There is a very fine line between having a protective lover and a possessive lover โฆ
And yet many of us donโt know the difference. What separates innocent possessiveness (as seen in the first few insecure stages of love) with aggressive possessiveness? At what point do we say โenough is enoughโ?
When left unexplored and unresolved, possessive relationships can amount to feelings of profound unhappiness, anxiety, anger, and even physical or emotional abuse.
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At first, it can seem adorable and even flattering to be on the receiving end of your partnerโs intense love and devotion, but after a while it becomes smothering and even dangerous.
12 Major Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend / Girlfriend / Partner
Is your relationship healthy and supportive of your well-being, or unhealthy and destructive to your health and happiness? Although it can be hard to admit that you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, it is worth getting real about your relationship for your OWN inner peace of mind. After all, you have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.
Here are some red flags that you should look out for:
1. You must appease their wishes all the time.
Essentially, if you donโt comply with, abide by, or fulfill what your partner asks of you, there is hell to pay in the form of nagging, demanding, threatening, and/or emotional blackmailing.
2. They control where you go, when, and why.
Whenever you want to go out, meet up with a friend or family member, or even do shopping, your partner breathes down your neck, wanting to micromanage every place you go to any person you see. Often they will discourage prolonged periods of going out and try to keep you confined to the house, typically in menacing or manipulative ways.
3. They stalk you.
Your partner keeps an eye on every little thing you do to the point of stalkingย you. This might include logging in to your social media accounts and checking your private messages, reading through your emails or text messages, checking your internet browser history, showing up unexpectedly while youโre out of the house, and so forth.
4. They are needy and clingy.
One key sign of a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner is their tendency to remind you that โyou are the center of their worldโ so much so that they need no other friends or social connections because they have you. While this is not always a sign of neediness or possessiveness, it is when they display anger or resentment towards your otherย friends, colleagues or family members.
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5. They try to sabotage your friendships.
A deep and dark kind of jealousy seems to boil under the surface of your partnerโs faรงade as they try to dissuade you from spending time with your friends, colleagues or family members. They might criticize, character-dissect, bring up old issues youโve experienced, or even fabricate lies about those you want to spend time with, sometimes even turning you against those you care about.
6. They donโt respect your personal boundaries.
In a possessive relationship, personal space is rarely a concept that is valued. If you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, chances are they will impose themselves too much on your need to have time, space and objects that are exclusively “yours.”
7. They get extremely jealous and paranoid of โother women/men.โ
If you talk to a man or woman, they want to know why. If you get a phone call from someone else, they want to know why. If you get a friend request from someone at work, they want to know why. If you get an email from-so-and-so, they want to know why. And god forbid that you honestly reveal any kind of attraction you have to another person! This might spell severe guilt-tripping, emotional punishment, or even violence.
8. They control what you wear.
Going out? Better make sure that you get approval from your partner! The possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or lover will always openly assess what youโre wearing to ensure that it is โappropriateโ and to their standards.
9. They constantly message you when youโre out.
For some reason, your partner always seems to โcheck upโ on you when you are out, sending you more texts and calls than usual.
10. They want to be involved in all of your decision-making.
Every decision you make โ your partnerย wants to be there. Period. Often you will even feel pressured to do whatย theyย want to do, even if the decision has nothing to do with them.
11. They are emotionally or psychologically manipulative.
Your possessive boyfriend / girlfriend / partner has a way of diminishing your self-confidence. They might be emotionally abusive, gaslight youย and make you feel as though you donโt truly know what is best for you.
12. They say that โitโs all just love.โ
All of their jealousy, all of their paranoia, all of their controlling behavior โฆ โitโs all just love.โ Your partner justifies his/her toxic behavior by pulling the โlove cardโ on you, thus paving an easy escape route to avoid responsibility and blame. In fact, you might have bought into the “love” excuse yourself, continuing to justify your partnerโs destructive behavior because you are unconsciously too scared to face reality.
How to Handle Controlling Behavior
Possessiveness and any kind of controlling behavior in relationships is a clear sign of insecurity. And where does this insecurity come from? From the fear of abandonment, rejection and powerlessness. If your partner is possessive, it is very likely that they have a great lack of self-love and self-confidence, and this is because deep down, they feel that they โneed youโ in order to be happy, safe, secure, and successful.
Here is how I recommend dealing with possessiveness in relationships:
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- Re-establish your self-confidence and self-respect which might have been crushed or depleted in your relationship. For instance, explore self-assertiveness, how to love and take care of yourself, and if you are quiet by nature, learn how to rediscover your voice.
- Set aside an appropriate (not busy) time to talk with your partner. Open the conversation by letting them know how and why you appreciate them, and then merge into the problems you are facing with their behavior. Always talk in terms of โtheir behaviorโ not โthemโ as this removes unnecessary finger-pointing negativity.
- Provide specific examples of what behavior is disturbing or upsetting you, and what you would like to change.
- Be aware that your partner might get very offended, angry, dismissive, or upset. Prepare yourself for this beforehand to ensure that you keep your cool. It is vital that you keep your cool at all costs.
- Be very clear about what you want to change in the relationship, e.g. you want more equality in decision making, you would like them to stop speaking harshly about your family, etc.
- Remember, if you emotionally react (with anger, tears, shouting) the conversation is over as all valuable communication ceases once egos get involved.
- If they agree to change, help them out by drawing attention to any possessive behavior in the future and setting โtime outโ periods where you sit together and talk about the progress being made.
- Be patient. Possessiveness canโt be cured overnight.
- Give an ultimatum (if necessary).
If you canโt carry out these recommendations (e.g. due to domestic abuse, cultural expectations, egotism, etc.) it is best to consider ending the relationship, and build a support network for yourself.
Is Your Lover Protective or Possessive?
Being in a smothering relationship can be really hard and stressful. Remove some of that stress and burden by sharing your problems and proposed solutions below. And if you have any advice โฆ please feel free to lend a helping hand!
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Any of you who CAN leave these type of relationships get out now before it’s too late!!!! If you’re like me where all you can do is put up with the crazy person because they wont move out of your house and you have kids with them and they are insane and own a bunch of guns you will regret every day of your life that you didn’t leave them when you still had the chance. Once you have kids with an insane person like this and they wont leave you no matter how much you beg, you’re screwed and your life is over. This morning I had to send a picture of a used pad to prove I’m still on my period because when I denied him he went crazy and kept me up all night screaming like he ALWAYS does. This happens ALL the time. You have to give them what they want the FIRST time they ask or they will make your life a living hell and make SURE you regret crossing them. I’m constantly kept up or woken up all hours of the night by screaming after he goes through my phone. Even though he finds NOTHING I’m told that I deleted whatever I “did” before he could find it when I didn’t do ANYTHING to deserve it. I feel completely helpless because the only way out would be to go to the courts and beg them to not allow him to see our kids unsupervised. I’d have to move out of my own house and start eviction proceedings in court too. And who knows what the courts will decide about custody. This right here is exactly why people choose to stay with the abuser. Because if you’re afraid he’s going to kill you and your kids to get you back for leaving him you’ll just continue to be miserable and PRAY that you find him dead and can finally be free some day in the future. So I’m telling you if you have the chance to leave, LEAVE!!!!! If your bf/gf calls you names constantly, talks bad about your family, goes through your phone, makes you block anyone of the opposite sex, constantly accuses you of lying when you’re not doing anything wrong, intimidates you with weapons, LEAVE before you end up like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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My girlfriend is the type who always wants me to ask her several times about something before she tells me.i did same recently and she said am been over possessive because I asked her where she was going to.
Am I been over possessive?
So if girls do it, its not possessive but if we guys do it, automatically its possessive? Asking for one person whereabouts is not possessive.
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I am the possesive one! The article helped a bit. It gave me some points I can think about. It is really annoying to feel so sick, because my partner wants to do things without me. I know it is wrong to feel this way and I try not to act on it, but it is hard. And I feel really bad in my stomache and head. :(
I hope you get and feel better soon. I wish you a lot of luck and strength with this. It takes a lot of courage to admit this to oneโs self and have the will to change. I wish more ppl were like you about this. :)
I have been dating a guy for about 3 months and we just became official on Monday (this week). We saw each other this Wednesday for a concert and had dinner beforehand where I mentioned my upcoming trip to Montana to visit my parents and will happen to see a male friend of mine from college who lives in Montana now. He gave me the complete silent treatment the entire evening and then when we did finally talk, he said he was extremely uncomfortable with the situation and felt I was being inconsiderate by hanging out with this friend, even though I asked him what I may have done to make him not trust me thus far and reassured him that I chose to be with him and wasn’t looking to be with someone else physically, emotionally, or otherwise. He said that he didn’t feel like I understood why it was so wrong of me to hang out with my friend and that he doesn’t see his feelings on the matter changing, but didn’t want to break up or continue discussing the issue to find a compromise. I’m hurt, upset, and disappointed in him as this is the first time he’s showed jealousy/possessiveness since we’ve been seeing each other, and everything else with us has been wonderful! Do I bail now, try to talk to him more, or let it slide this once? Thank you for your input.
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Iโm in a relationship since 2015
I know Iโm more possessive..I love my girl to the core..I canโt even think of loosing her..but once she lied to me..I never wanted her to talk with my enemy but she did and she didnโt inform me..but after when I came to know..she said that she hid that coz if she said that to me Iโll feel bad for that..itโs been 3 months since that happened..but I canโt even forget that..I love her..but Iโm more more more more more possessive..and I love her a lot..canโt even describe..
So what can I do now ?
study the books you like&leave all these.