One of the hardest truths I’ve ever faced is that you can’t always “cut” someone toxic out of your life just like that.
So much advice out there on dealing with toxic, narcissistic, or highly dysfunctional people is overly simplistic. “Just go no contact,” “Burn bridges,” “Never speak to them again.”
I mean, yeah, sure, this advice is great for some people who can do that. But for others, it can increase feelings of helplessness, entrapment, and despair.
(Please note that if you’re in a domestic violence situation where your life is in danger, please get the f*ck out of there ASAP and call a DV hotline or shelter.)
Here are some examples of situations where saying “see ya” forever may be unwise or extraordinarily difficult to do:
- Coparenting with a narcissistic ex-partner. When children are involved, going “no contact” may be extremely difficult or impossible to do immediately, as you’re often legally, emotionally, or logistically bound to that person for years. Cutting ties could result in things like the children being weaponized (and further traumatized), hefty legal fees, and more.
- A dying or seriously ill family member. In an emotionally intense situation like this, it can be hard to totally cut off that toxic parent, sibling, or relative, especially if you’re all they have. Many people in this type of situation find themselves unable to leave due to compassion and other deeply held values. They don’t want to be left with the guilt and weight of abandoning someone (even a destructive, toxic person) in their final days, weeks, or months of life.
- Being financially dependent or entrapped by that person. Maybe it’s a narcissistic boss who would destroy your career if you abruptly burned bridges or a spouse (or even parent) who is in control of your housing. Going no contact in these situations could mean risking poverty, homelessness, or professional ruin. If you don’t have the material resources yet to do that, it can be extremely risky.
If you find yourself in any of these situations (or others I haven’t mentioned), what does that mean if you WANT to heal, but are still stuck with a toxic person?
What does it mean for your own inner work and path of soul recovery?
Is it still possible to reconnect with your deeper Self – the one that was lost, silenced, or erased?
These are powerful and important questions, and my short answer is yes, to a certain degree.
I’ll share more about my perspective soon. But first, let’s touch on WHY I’m sharing this post right now.
Table of contents
- “Dark Triad” Toxic People and Why I’m Writing This
- The Art of Finding the Home Within Yourself (When You’re Surrounded By a Narcissist’s BS): 7 Paths
- 1. Understand the Dichotomy of Control.
- 2. Disengage and “grey rock”
- 3. Find the “glimmers” of joy in your environment
- 4. Create a physical cue for comforting your inner child
- 5. Spend quality time alone and with those outside the person
- 6. Heal in nature, find your soul mirrored back to you there
- 7. Making time to listen and connect with your soul each day as a habit and spiritual practice
“Dark Triad” Toxic People and Why I’m Writing This
(Note: the “Dark triad” is a psychological theory of personality that refers to people who display narcissistic, machiavellian, and/or psychopathic traits.)
The other week, we asked our newsletter subscribers to share some of their biggest “shadow issues,” and we received almost 300 responses.
One of the biggest issues our beloved community here shared was “dealing with toxic people” and the “internal rage, shame, and pain” that surrounds that. So I thought I’d write this post and offer my perspective.
Here’s an uncomfortable reality I rarely discuss … I have been regularly exposed to a malignant narcissist who shows signs of sociopathy for many years now. It’s not something I’ve explored much in my writings because the topic is extremely sensitive, personal, and complex.
But one day, I plan on writing more freely about this situation and identifying why “cutting ties” with them has proven to be out of my range of immediate options. However, all you need to know now is that said person is profoundly toxic. So much so that I have to be mindful not to disclose too much information right now (as this is a public post).
This is why I believe I have some level of authority writing about this topic. I’ve been there, and am presently there. I’m not speaking down to you from a high and mighty mountain of absolute healing and pristine perfection.
I, too, am in the messy, muddy muck of daily life that comes from dealing with a narcissistic “dark triad” person.
Like you, I’ve wondered how to heal myself and connect with my soul even whilst in such a crazy-making situation. Here are some of my thoughts and findings …
The Art of Finding the Home Within Yourself (When You’re Surrounded By a Narcissist’s BS): 7 Paths
“Nowhere you can go is more peaceful – more free of interruptions – than your own soul.” – Marcus Aurelius
One of my favorite discoveries of recent times comes from the ancient philosophy of Stoicism and is the idea of the Inner Citadel.
Essentially, the notion of the Inner Citadel is all about finding that place within us that is full of peace and contentment, no matter what is happening outside of its walls.
As you can imagine, this is easier said than done! But it can be slowly cultivated and uncovered.
If you don’t like the phrase “citadel” or “castle,” replace that with the word home instead – a sturdy home protects us from the external elements while keeping us warm and safe inside. This is what we need when we’re dealing with toxic people.
While connecting with our Souls, our deeper essence, can be tricky while still having a narcissist in our life, it’s not out of reach. Sure, in an ideal world, we would be totally free of them – and there might still be parts of us that need to hide for the time being while they’re in our orbit. But we can still connect with that wise, wild, warm, welcoming, and whole place within us privately. Getting grounded in this inner space will also make dealing with the narcissist easier.
The art of finding the home within yourself – aka, soul recovery – can happen in many ways. I’ll share with you some ideas below that have helped me:
1. Understand the Dichotomy of Control.
This is an idea from the ancient philosophy of Stoicism (note that Stoicism is different from lower-case ‘stoicism’ in meaning – it’s not about having a stiff upper lip, but about developing strength of character).
Essentially, the dichotomy of control points out that all external people and events are outside of our power. But what is within our power is our own judgments and decisions.
This teaching reminds me of Nazi death camp survivor Viktor Frankl’s famous words,
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
That’s the dichotomy of control in action, folks. We might not be able to control the behavior of the toxic, sociopathic, or narcissistic person in our lives, but we can know what is in our control and what isn’t. In that, there is more power and peace.
2. Disengage and “grey rock”
I absolutely adore this method. It has saved me from so much stress and trauma. Essentially, with the grey rock method, the goal is to be so dull and uninteresting to the toxic person that they eventually get bored with you and lose interest.
The trick with narcissistic folks is to avoid getting sucked into their drama triangles and the shit storms they regularly stir up. I often do this by sticking to short responses (“oh okay,” “wow,” “yeah fine”), avoiding eye contact as much as possible, sticking to neutral topics, and relaying boring facts (like talking about the weather).
If you struggle with emotional reactivity, carry an actual smooth stone in your pocket. This can serve to both ground you and remind you that you don’t have to engage with their bullshit – just grey rock baby.
3. Find the “glimmers” of joy in your environment
The two previous methods help set the foundation for dealing with a toxic person while trying to heal and recover yourself. This “glimmers” technique is one I’ve borrowed from complex trauma specialist and polyvagal theory expert, Deb Dana.
Glimmers are the opposite of triggers – they are tiny, fleeting moments that bring you joy, peace, or relaxation. It’s a beautiful way of grounding our nervous systems, which tend to enter fight, flight, or freeze response around toxic people.
Examples of glimmers could be looking out the window and appreciating the beautiful trees outside. Looking at a pretty painting or sculpture in the house. Noticing how the evening sun streams through the front door. Appreciating the warmth of a cup of tea. Enjoying the sound of music playing in the distance.
All of these ‘glimmers’ of enjoyment remind you that there is joy to be found in this moment, even when confronted with a manipulative predator.
4. Create a physical cue for comforting your inner child
Inner work can happen while being exposed to toxic people. It’s not something you only have to do when alone. Often, challenging experiences have the benefit of ‘stress testing’ our inner work, helping us to quickly learn what works, what doesn’t, and what needs to be tweaked or increased.
One practice I enjoy doing is comforting my inner child right before and during situations with triggering people. What helps me find more inner security and my internal home is placing a hand subtly over my stomach. I do this to reassure my inner child quietly that I’m here, I know this sucks, but you’re not alone in this.
This simple action reminds my body, nervous system, and psyche that (1) I’m not a child, I can stay in my adult self, (2) I have my own inner support and care, and (3) the situation is indeed tough – having that internally validated is extremely important because offer we suffer alone without truly seeing ourselves in our own pain.
So find some kind of subtle physical cue that feels warm, comforting, and safe, such as placing a hand over your stomach, crossing one arm over your chest, rubbing your legs, squeezing your arms, and so on. This will help to ground you, validate the experience, and remind you that you’re an adult, not a child in this circumstance (because it’s easy to be made to feel small and helpless by toxic people).
5. Spend quality time alone and with those outside the person
If you have others outside of the toxic person whom you feel safe with (children, friends, colleagues), spend time with them. Remind yourself that not everyone is manipulative, malevolent, and selfish.
If you don’t have anyone close, spend time in nature. Go to the public library and be around mostly “normal” people in a calming environment. Cuddle a pet. Do things you enjoy doing alone. Keep asserting your right to exist without that person in ways that feel relaxing and fun.
6. Heal in nature, find your soul mirrored back to you there
We are not separate from nature. We are nature. On the deepest level, we are life itself. There’s a reason why we feel so regulated, grounded, and connected in nature, and that’s because, in the words of eco-depth psychologist Bill Plotkin,
“Your soul is part of the soul of the world.”
So spend time gardening. Sit underneath trees. Go hiking. Sit on your porch and watch the sky and clouds. Grow flowers and nurture life. Soul recovery comes easily and effortlessly when we’re in the embrace of Mother Nature.
7. Making time to listen and connect with your soul each day as a habit and spiritual practice
Toxic people have a menacing way of overshadowing our lives. Their chaos, drama, and manipulations can overtake our entire reality if we aren’t careful. That’s why it’s so crucial to take back the power and reconnect with our inner selves each and every day.
Whether you do this via meditation, heart-centered prayer, visualization, journaling, or any other method is up to you. You have the power to choose and listen to what calls your heart. So make it a daily habit, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes. Rebel internally and keep connecting to your Inner Light.
Other honorary mentions:
- Learn as many grounding techniques as you can
- Learn as many energy-clearing techniques as you can
- Reframe the experience: find the ‘higher lesson’ in it from a detached perspective
- Focus on nervous system regulation as a foundation for all your inner work
- Find/create your “spirit family” of helpers (you could think of this archetypally or as actual spiritual entities, depending on what level of woo you are)
- Process and express your rage as often as you can through catharsis, art, etc.
- Stay as connected to your heart (the doorway to your soul) as you can
I shared 40+ tiny ways of reconnecting with the soul in my post “Soul Recovery: The Art of Building a Healing Nest For Yourself” if you’re interested in some more healing ideas.
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Obviously, there are many more aspects of this complicated topic I could explore. But I’ve done my best to share the essentials and what has helped me in these stressful situations.
I hope you’ve found this article helpful and it offers you a light if you’ve been drowning in the darkness.
Tell me, how do you stay connected to yourself in the midst of toxic people? I’d love to hear in the comments! You never know who you may help.
Dearest Athethia,
On this Easter Sunday (2026), I find myself written this message as a way of comforting my soul through this release of what I have been carrying now for the past year. Thank you for the offering of Soul Recovery and this platform space to share, witness and be supported in so many ways through your work and compassion. I find my life right now has been turned upside down and I feel I am just in a holding position….it feels more like a trap honestly, as I am now living back home with my elder Mother (age 91 yrs) who has been Dx with Dementia and she experiences bouts of Hallucinations, Delusion and Paranoid episodes. As an empath, healer, intuitive, and clairaudient being, I am deeply challenged daily with keeping my energy grounded and often I am triggered by my Mother’s confusion, disturbing patterns of confabulation, deception, manipulation and negative talk every day. As a holistic wellness practitioner, I practice self-care tools Ive learned along my journey with grounding to regulate my nervous system (i.e. butterfly hug, humming, getting out in nature, drumming, coloring in inspirational coloring journals, meditation, breathwork, Yoga, Shamanic journeying, rituals that nurture my deep desire to give honor to my ancestors and getting a lot of sleep here I can be in my dream state.) Believe it or not, my AI chat has been a major resource for helping me to ground and connected to my reality but in ways that keep me moving forward with my life. Thank you for allowing me to share with you in this beautiful space. You are such an inspiration and dear support. Peace and blessings to you and may this season bring you joy and wonder in all the ways that are meaningful to you and your family!
As usual your article has come at the perfect time. I am stuck in a living situation which has seriously affected my mental health, particularly as I have a child with additional needs. We are both autistic and very sensitive to the world around us, which is just chaos. I’ve long suspected that my family member is a covert narcissist, but it’s so confusing when she seemingly does nice things for others. She has that superficial charm that has people believing she’s so kind and benevolent, but she treats those closest to her like dirt under her feet. She’s so manipulative and doesn’t listen, takes information you’ve given her at a weak moment and exploits it later.
I’m trying so hard not to become bogged down in her toxicity, but the effort is becoming harder to maintain. I wish I could leave, but there’s nowhere to go.
Thank you for reminding me of the ways in which I can protect myself 🙏🏻
I had a narcissistic parent and used alcohol for many years as an “escape” – NOT recommended.
(I now have long-term sobriety – journalling has been one of my major tools for recovery.)
Thank you so much again for your support. I too have been suronded by narcs from a young age into the men I chose to share my life with. Unfortunately I was 63 by the time I even knew about the behaviour being anything but normal. I excepted it was just my lot in life. During my time,I lost my freedom,my autonomy, my ability to live authentically,and almost my life. Not to mention my wealth of dollars and self. I walked away only after sitting in my back yard try to find ways to end my life. I was saved that day by my overwhelming love for my kids and grandchildren. I walked calmly up to the house and though I had no idea about what it ment , I walked into the house and told my latest narc of 26 years to leave. He did. Not thinking I would be able to live with out him. He had moved on I felt it . I knew it. He had grey rocked me for 18 months b 4this only speaking to me to give a command to do for him. When I sought help through this situation I turned to grey rocking him. No contact. After the first month when he retrieved his gear from our home and I no longer had a need to converse with him. I had nothing of a monetary value. I lost my home and he took everything I worked so hard for all my life. I was broke but happy inside I had my life back. I have worked hard to get a resemblance of normalcy in my life. Hard to restore my faith,my family and the trust in myself that I had lost by being controlled by a covert force of evil..
Don’t get me wrong now thes words are not the words of an angry woman hitting out at a man who has been not up to her expectation. On the contrary I think 26 years of trying says it all and. I tried so hard to please him so he could love me ,only to realise I was nothing more important to him than a payday and and his live in maid. I am grateful for the lessons I have learnt from this experience and have no doubt that he is the best person he knows how to be. Knowing that he’s is who he is and the other narcs in my life were who they were is what they learned and become. What I still struggle with is this. THEY ALL KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING
THERE BEHAVIOUR IS CALCULATED.
Once again thank you so much for your support.
I send you all my love. RHON 😇❤️
I can see how far you’ve come, Rhon. Your resilience, inner strength, and journey of transformation is so inspiring. Thank you for sharing it here 💜
I can’t measure how fantastically great this article is for me, and how I resonate with it. Not only to know that others suffer as I do (I truly wish they didn’t have to) but to have the courage to write about it, and to provide some antidotes. That is a powerful list of antidotes – one can cling to the apparently small things (which are actually big, because they give hope). I am so grateful to read this.
So true, J. The little things are actually big things. The tiny moments of joy can carry us through an entire day filled with more of a sense of inner wellbeing. I’m so glad you found this list powerful. I wrote it as a kind of ‘lifeline’ for others in these types of situations. <3
My narcissistic parent recently passed away. Sitting there with them in that dying process was profoundly spiritual and healing for me, especially since they were no longer able to speak (and couldn’t say anything negative anymore). At the end, thankfully, only love mattered.
However, I recognize the traits and am leaving my country, as it is largely being controlled now by unchecked dark triad personalities.
It’s beautiful that you were able to connect with that sense of love in the end, Press. 💜
Yes, dark triad personalities have a tendency of getting into high up positions of power. I’m hoping that more ‘philosopher kings’ like Marcus Aurelius rise to power after people start getting sick and tired of sociopathic and short-sighted behaviors of many of our leaders.
for 3 years I worked with a narcissist psychopath. first he was my co-worker and we were on level ground so I could easily ignore his antics. over time I learned how violent and abusive he was when he spoke of other people/events in his life; to the point I was secretly afraid of him. and just like another reader said, you fear from looking like the bad guy if you speak out because he has others fooled into thinking that he is so great and has established his false identity. Then, THEN, he became my boss! I kept my head down, focused on “glimmers” and avoided alone time with him at all costs. This made daily work life tolerable (for me), there were other workers who had let him get the best of them, and I feared for their safety outside of work because he was able to learn where they lived, their pets and family, etc… luckily for me I was wise to not speak of such things to him, ever, so he really didn’t know enough about me to have that kind of control over me. this was daily work existence for over a year until he finally found another job. Only then was I able to speak to a supervisor about the truth of this guy. and they actually listened to what I had to say, not doubting me. It was such a relief to be heard and for that guy to be gone. I can only wish for other people it can be so easy. I realize how fortunate I am if that is my only encounter with a person like that. thank you guys for the great article.
Thanks Erin for sharing this. Yes, the best course of action if you’re somehow stuck with a narcissistic psychopath is avoidance, detachment, and grey rocking as much as possible. Don’t let them in. Be aware of the signs of manipulation and love bombing. Keep a healthy distance. It was wise for you to be extremely cautious around such a type of person.
I suppose I was raised by a narcissistic parent. I don’t believe my other parent was. However, I have been most affected by my siblings. I also get into relationships with narcissists. I didn’t know anything about this until I was well into adulthood. I was an unhappy kid and an unhappy adult. My spouse passed away after 36 years of marriage. It was then that I realized it wasn’t all me. I didn’t cry when my spouse died. I cried myself out during my childhood and as an adult have been unable to expose that feeling to myself or others.
It’s now been almost four years and am just starting to be functional again. Still can’t cry, still dealing with one sibling. Have a new toxic person in my life through an organization that I can’t avoid.
I’ve always been introverted and competitive only with myself. Taking myself out of competition with others helps me stay connected with my ‘home/citadel/castle.’
I also have pondered my own level of narcissism and stay aware of how I affect relationships, being raised in that environment.
‘Functional freeze’ is the state I think you’re describing here, Kim. It’s related to the nervous system and how it processes stress, threat, and trauma. Worth looking into if you’re not aware of it already.
Thank you for sharing your experience here 💜
Great article. I am married to a covert narcissist. I have made the decision not to leave for financial reasons. I know the sacrifices I have made. I have autism and am a quiet, thoughtful person. He is very different to me. He will interrupt and talk over me even when someone has asked me a question. He tells lies; they just roll off his tongue. This is completely alien to me. He doesn’t have a lot of integrity, this also doesn’t align with my values. He needs constant validation and praise. This can be hilarious as although he is 70 he shows off like a 5 year old – look at me! I try to find different ways to be myself away from him. It is difficult as we are both retired. I go swimming, play computer games, colour, listen to music and read. I often dream about having a secret hideaway somewhere but that’s not possible.
“although he is 70 he shows off like a 5 year old – look at me!” – oh, yes. I call these types of people “petulant children” because that is how they behave. I hope you find that secret hideaway at some point, Rebecca <3
Another excellent topic—very difficult to address, yet absolutely necessary—congratulations on your courage!
From personal experience, this is one of the hardest situations a human being can face. Dealing with toxic people, especially narcissists and psychopaths, is exhausting—both emotionally and physically. These dark personalities can push us to our absolute limits, as they will stop at nothing to achieve their goals. The level of manipulation, lies, and defamation is surreal.
The worst part is that introverted or highly sensitive individuals often become their prime targets. Because of their vulnerability, authenticity, and sensitivity, they are seen as easy prey. Only those who have gone through similar experiences can truly understand and describe the suffering caused in these circumstances.
And here’s the most insidious aspect: such people are often above suspicion. They are charismatic, charming, eloquent, and well-liked, which makes it even harder for victims to defend themselves. They are passive-aggressive, cynical, and deceitful—masters at turning others against you while portraying themselves as innocent victims and casting you as the villain. They lack empathy and remorse entirely, and their sadistic nature drives them to inflict pain just to feel good about themselves.
It’s an extremely complicated situation to handle because the chances of being perceived as “the wrong one” are very high. Setting boundaries is nearly impossible, as they know how to reinsert themselves into your life and trap you in a corner. The “grey rock method” can work in some cases, but once they realize they’re being ignored, they escalate their attacks. In severe cases, they don’t give up—their sole objective is to cause suffering.
Even though it may be difficult, especially in close relationships, distance and cutting off contact often remain the only viable ways to protect your mental health from being completely destroyed. Documentation and taking action are essential, because in extreme cases, legal measures may be the only way to safeguard yourself.
If you suspect you’re in an abusive relationship, trust yourself and your perception. Don’t be deceived or dominated by the other person’s behavior. Reaffirm your values, don’t depend on or be swayed by others’ opinions. Living in such a situation feels like “walking on eggshells,” and it can lead to anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, PTSD, and other disorders.
Remember: your mental health and peace of mind are priceless. If you’re in a complicated situation, plan for change—even if it seems daunting at first. In the long run, change will demand far less of you than enduring endless manipulation, which will only push you beyond your limits.
Thank you for that Hans! And Althea of course! Having literally ended a four month ‘relationship’ with a manipulative, selfish addict this morning…it is synchronistic that I am directed to read this now…to remind me…..don’t go back …again! I have given this man 4 or 5 second chances in four months! I am a shamanic energy practitioner (for the last two years. Woke up and answered The Call when my husband died 2021) so I should know better but, when you love someone, it’s very difficult to leave! But I am aware I am even more vulnerable, simply because I understand why they are like they are, even though I know it’s not my place to rescue them of course! But when we a love….and light….and just naturally loving….it is very hard to leave someone you love. But, that does seem like IT this time, and your comment is just reminding me! Thank you and best wishes to all that read this post, and these comments! Lisa ‘Sunya’
Stay strong, Lisa. Get a mental health professional or other close trusted person on your side, if you can. <3
“The level of manipulation, lies, and defamation is surreal.” – I couldn’t have said it better myself, Hans. Perfectly said.
“And here’s the most insidious aspect: such people are often above suspicion. They are charismatic, charming, eloquent, and well-liked, which makes it even harder for victims to defend themselves. They are passive-aggressive, cynical, and deceitful—masters at turning others against you while portraying themselves as innocent victims and casting you as the villain.” – ABSOLUTELY. Yes. I recently learned of the manipulation technique called DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim-offender. This is one of the highly dysfunctional/toxic person’s most used tactic. And the shapeshifting, pretence, lying, and sheer malevolence … wow. It truly leaves you speechless, and if you’re not careful, in a highly dysregulated state (fight/flight/freeze/fawn).
Thank you for sharing this. There’s so much valuable insight here 💜
Hello Hans, can I become your friend? I want someone to listen to my pain and my personal struggles. You can take your time to listen anytime you can. First, I will prepare to collect my thoughts to turn it into words that describe how I feel. I appreciate your consideration and thank you for taking your time. I will wait for your reply. If you want to know, I will always be only online from 20 pm to 00 am.
If you agreed, my Instagram account is @rjtata_21.
If you’d prefer on another platform, I will sign up an account to chat with you.