One of the hardest truths I’ve ever faced is that you can’t always “cut” someone toxic out of your life just like that.
So much advice out there on dealing with toxic, narcissistic, or highly dysfunctional people is overly simplistic. “Just go no contact,” “Burn bridges,” “Never speak to them again.”
I mean, yeah, sure, this advice is great for some people who can do that. But for others, it can increase feelings of helplessness, entrapment, and despair.
(Please note that if you’re in a domestic violence situation where your life is in danger, please get the f*ck out of there ASAP and call a DV hotline or shelter.)
Here are some examples of situations where saying “see ya” forever may be unwise or extraordinarily difficult to do:
- Coparenting with a narcissistic ex-partner. When children are involved, going “no contact” may be extremely difficult or impossible to do immediately, as you’re often legally, emotionally, or logistically bound to that person for years. Cutting ties could result in things like the children being weaponized (and further traumatized), hefty legal fees, and more.
- A dying or seriously ill family member. In an emotionally intense situation like this, it can be hard to totally cut off that toxic parent, sibling, or relative, especially if you’re all they have. Many people in this type of situation find themselves unable to leave due to compassion and other deeply held values. They don’t want to be left with the guilt and weight of abandoning someone (even a destructive, toxic person) in their final days, weeks, or months of life.
- Being financially dependent or entrapped by that person. Maybe it’s a narcissistic boss who would destroy your career if you abruptly burned bridges or a spouse (or even parent) who is in control of your housing. Going no contact in these situations could mean risking poverty, homelessness, or professional ruin. If you don’t have the material resources yet to do that, it can be extremely risky.
If you find yourself in any of these situations (or others I haven’t mentioned), what does that mean if you WANT to heal, but are still stuck with a toxic person?
What does it mean for your own inner work and path of soul recovery?
Is it still possible to reconnect with your deeper Self – the one that was lost, silenced, or erased?
These are powerful and important questions, and my short answer is yes, to a certain degree.
I’ll share more about my perspective soon. But first, let’s touch on WHY I’m sharing this post right now.
Table of contents
- “Dark Triad” Toxic People and Why I’m Writing This
- The Art of Finding the Home Within Yourself (When You’re Surrounded By a Narcissist’s BS): 7 Paths
- 1. Understand the Dichotomy of Control.
- 2. Disengage and “grey rock”
- 3. Find the “glimmers” of joy in your environment
- 4. Create a physical cue for comforting your inner child
- 5. Spend quality time alone and with those outside the person
- 6. Heal in nature, find your soul mirrored back to you there
- 7. Making time to listen and connect with your soul each day as a habit and spiritual practice
“Dark Triad” Toxic People and Why I’m Writing This
(Note: the “Dark triad” is a psychological theory of personality that refers to people who display narcissistic, machiavellian, and/or psychopathic traits.)
The other week, we asked our newsletter subscribers to share some of their biggest “shadow issues,” and we received almost 300 responses.
One of the biggest issues our beloved community here shared was “dealing with toxic people” and the “internal rage, shame, and pain” that surrounds that. So I thought I’d write this post and offer my perspective.
Here’s an uncomfortable reality I rarely discuss … I have been regularly exposed to a malignant narcissist who shows signs of sociopathy for many years now. It’s not something I’ve explored much in my writings because the topic is extremely sensitive, personal, and complex.
But one day, I plan on writing more freely about this situation and identifying why “cutting ties” with them has proven to be out of my range of immediate options. However, all you need to know now is that said person is profoundly toxic. So much so that I have to be mindful not to disclose too much information right now (as this is a public post).
This is why I believe I have some level of authority writing about this topic. I’ve been there, and am presently there. I’m not speaking down to you from a high and mighty mountain of absolute healing and pristine perfection.
I, too, am in the messy, muddy muck of daily life that comes from dealing with a narcissistic “dark triad” person.
Like you, I’ve wondered how to heal myself and connect with my soul even whilst in such a crazy-making situation. Here are some of my thoughts and findings …
The Art of Finding the Home Within Yourself (When You’re Surrounded By a Narcissist’s BS): 7 Paths
“Nowhere you can go is more peaceful – more free of interruptions – than your own soul.” – Marcus Aurelius
One of my favorite discoveries of recent times comes from the ancient philosophy of Stoicism and is the idea of the Inner Citadel.
Essentially, the notion of the Inner Citadel is all about finding that place within us that is full of peace and contentment, no matter what is happening outside of its walls.
As you can imagine, this is easier said than done! But it can be slowly cultivated and uncovered.
If you don’t like the phrase “citadel” or “castle,” replace that with the word home instead – a sturdy home protects us from the external elements while keeping us warm and safe inside. This is what we need when we’re dealing with toxic people.
While connecting with our Souls, our deeper essence, can be tricky while still having a narcissist in our life, it’s not out of reach. Sure, in an ideal world, we would be totally free of them – and there might still be parts of us that need to hide for the time being while they’re in our orbit. But we can still connect with that wise, wild, warm, welcoming, and whole place within us privately. Getting grounded in this inner space will also make dealing with the narcissist easier.
The art of finding the home within yourself – aka, soul recovery – can happen in many ways. I’ll share with you some ideas below that have helped me:
1. Understand the Dichotomy of Control.
This is an idea from the ancient philosophy of Stoicism (note that Stoicism is different from lower-case ‘stoicism’ in meaning – it’s not about having a stiff upper lip, but about developing strength of character).
Essentially, the dichotomy of control points out that all external people and events are outside of our power. But what is within our power is our own judgments and decisions.
This teaching reminds me of Nazi death camp survivor Viktor Frankl’s famous words,
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
That’s the dichotomy of control in action, folks. We might not be able to control the behavior of the toxic, sociopathic, or narcissistic person in our lives, but we can know what is in our control and what isn’t. In that, there is more power and peace.
2. Disengage and “grey rock”
I absolutely adore this method. It has saved me from so much stress and trauma. Essentially, with the grey rock method, the goal is to be so dull and uninteresting to the toxic person that they eventually get bored with you and lose interest.
The trick with narcissistic folks is to avoid getting sucked into their drama triangles and the shit storms they regularly stir up. I often do this by sticking to short responses (“oh okay,” “wow,” “yeah fine”), avoiding eye contact as much as possible, sticking to neutral topics, and relaying boring facts (like talking about the weather).
If you struggle with emotional reactivity, carry an actual smooth stone in your pocket. This can serve to both ground you and remind you that you don’t have to engage with their bullshit – just grey rock baby.
3. Find the “glimmers” of joy in your environment
The two previous methods help set the foundation for dealing with a toxic person while trying to heal and recover yourself. This “glimmers” technique is one I’ve borrowed from complex trauma specialist and polyvagal theory expert, Deb Dana.
Glimmers are the opposite of triggers – they are tiny, fleeting moments that bring you joy, peace, or relaxation. It’s a beautiful way of grounding our nervous systems, which tend to enter fight, flight, or freeze response around toxic people.
Examples of glimmers could be looking out the window and appreciating the beautiful trees outside. Looking at a pretty painting or sculpture in the house. Noticing how the evening sun streams through the front door. Appreciating the warmth of a cup of tea. Enjoying the sound of music playing in the distance.
All of these ‘glimmers’ of enjoyment remind you that there is joy to be found in this moment, even when confronted with a manipulative predator.
4. Create a physical cue for comforting your inner child
Inner work can happen while being exposed to toxic people. It’s not something you only have to do when alone. Often, challenging experiences have the benefit of ‘stress testing’ our inner work, helping us to quickly learn what works, what doesn’t, and what needs to be tweaked or increased.
One practice I enjoy doing is comforting my inner child right before and during situations with triggering people. What helps me find more inner security and my internal home is placing a hand subtly over my stomach. I do this to reassure my inner child quietly that I’m here, I know this sucks, but you’re not alone in this.
This simple action reminds my body, nervous system, and psyche that (1) I’m not a child, I can stay in my adult self, (2) I have my own inner support and care, and (3) the situation is indeed tough – having that internally validated is extremely important because offer we suffer alone without truly seeing ourselves in our own pain.
So find some kind of subtle physical cue that feels warm, comforting, and safe, such as placing a hand over your stomach, crossing one arm over your chest, rubbing your legs, squeezing your arms, and so on. This will help to ground you, validate the experience, and remind you that you’re an adult, not a child in this circumstance (because it’s easy to be made to feel small and helpless by toxic people).
5. Spend quality time alone and with those outside the person
If you have others outside of the toxic person whom you feel safe with (children, friends, colleagues), spend time with them. Remind yourself that not everyone is manipulative, malevolent, and selfish.
If you don’t have anyone close, spend time in nature. Go to the public library and be around mostly “normal” people in a calming environment. Cuddle a pet. Do things you enjoy doing alone. Keep asserting your right to exist without that person in ways that feel relaxing and fun.
6. Heal in nature, find your soul mirrored back to you there
We are not separate from nature. We are nature. On the deepest level, we are life itself. There’s a reason why we feel so regulated, grounded, and connected in nature, and that’s because, in the words of eco-depth psychologist Bill Plotkin,
“Your soul is part of the soul of the world.”
So spend time gardening. Sit underneath trees. Go hiking. Sit on your porch and watch the sky and clouds. Grow flowers and nurture life. Soul recovery comes easily and effortlessly when we’re in the embrace of Mother Nature.
7. Making time to listen and connect with your soul each day as a habit and spiritual practice
Toxic people have a menacing way of overshadowing our lives. Their chaos, drama, and manipulations can overtake our entire reality if we aren’t careful. That’s why it’s so crucial to take back the power and reconnect with our inner selves each and every day.
Whether you do this via meditation, heart-centered prayer, visualization, journaling, or any other method is up to you. You have the power to choose and listen to what calls your heart. So make it a daily habit, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes. Rebel internally and keep connecting to your Inner Light.
Other honorary mentions:
- Learn as many grounding techniques as you can
- Learn as many energy-clearing techniques as you can
- Reframe the experience: find the ‘higher lesson’ in it from a detached perspective
- Focus on nervous system regulation as a foundation for all your inner work
- Find/create your “spirit family” of helpers (you could think of this archetypally or as actual spiritual entities, depending on what level of woo you are)
- Process and express your rage as often as you can through catharsis, art, etc.
- Stay as connected to your heart (the doorway to your soul) as you can
I shared 40+ tiny ways of reconnecting with the soul in my post “Soul Recovery: The Art of Building a Healing Nest For Yourself” if you’re interested in some more healing ideas.
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Obviously, there are many more aspects of this complicated topic I could explore. But I’ve done my best to share the essentials and what has helped me in these stressful situations.
I hope you’ve found this article helpful and it offers you a light if you’ve been drowning in the darkness.
Tell me, how do you stay connected to yourself in the midst of toxic people? I’d love to hear in the comments! You never know who you may help.
Thank you for this article, I really needed to read this today. My father is the narcissist in my life; with the help of your inner child journal and many articles I found the courage to sever ties with him finally for good in 2023, he was in the beginning stages of dementia which made it really tough because he was alone, nobody in his life. I started getting my power back and feeling really good about myself, working on myself and seeing a therapist. Dad called me in March 2025, he sounded terrible, he could barely speak, I felt like his health was at risk and I suspected he was suicidal. I called the police to do a welfare check. I was right, he was in bad shape mentally and physically, he was hospitalized, his blood sugar was 500+, he has kidney disease and heart failure, he almost died, not by his own hands but I knew that was on his mind. His dementia was really bad, his sweet dog was taken to the animal shelter. I got on the next flight to his bedside, picked up his dog. Then I got pulled right back into his drama, selfish self centered attitude and narcissistic ways again. I felt like that scared, powerless child again, and now currently for I could not walk away from him being 79 yrs old with dementia, late onset Alzheimer’s and poor physical health. I adopted his dog and brought her and him to the state I live in last October 2025. I am his caregiver and power of attorney now. I had him admitted to a Veteran skilled nursing home recently, I could not care for him in my home. Now I am struggling to get back to where I was mentally and spiritually more than a year ago before his hospitalization. Yesterday he had me on his roller coaster of drama again, I’ve been in a nightmare since last year. He makes it look like I am not caring for him properly to the people at this facility. Nothing is ever good enough for him, he complains about me to them so I look like the bad guy because I am enforcing my boundaries even though I have bent over backwards for him. His narcissistic behavior is worse bc of the dementia & Alzheimer’s, I never thought it could get worse but it has. They think he’s the nicest, kindest guy and they feel sorry for him while he’s taking me to hell and back again. I’m trapped with him and the situation unfortunately. I am grateful for this article, all of the tips and suggestions! I will start doing those things, I’m so afraid of going down the tubes again myself because of him, I am working on taking my power back. Thank you! 💛Love & ✨Light 🪽
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m currently getting out of a relationship with a narcissist and this information was helpful in supporting me.
Hi, this was really fitting for me at the time. Currently stuck with a toxic/highly dysfunctional/possible narcissist person. And I love them a lot and have struggled a lot with codependency. It’s hard to not lose myself when I’m with them. I’ve been thinking lately that creativity would help. Spending time creating things on my own, for myself, that I like and express my feelings. Like writing a song, or painting, or even knitting or some other craft. Thanks, L
Hello Aletheia & Mateo!!
This article struck a chord with me….in the past I have been trapped with a narcissist(s), however I have been fortunate to have been able to go no or low contact with all of the toxic people in my life with exception of the one toxic person, who has “played the game” back with me and ignores me and tries to go no contact with me, yet always manages to slip the odd humorous “text” message in now and then. The classic “Hoover maneuver”…lol! I simply respond to the texts with “lol…too funny” then proceed to forget about it and go on about my day. With that said…in the past, I have found that the “don’t go as often and don’t stay as long” has worked really well. It establishes a personal boundary without the narcissist realizing it. You remain in control without setting off alarm bells to your toxic person. Simply make it seem like you have something else to go to, work, an appointment, distraught friend or even grocery shopping but you’re “making time” for the toxic person in spite of your busy schedule. You can also stop reaching out to the toxic person and simply let them contact you. As we all know, narcissists need to be in control and by letting them contact you all of the time then they are lulled into that false sense of security of feeling like they still have power over you. Simply agree to “squeeze them in” somewhere in your schedule and it should go fairly well. NOW…having said that, IF they show up at your home unannounced….make like you’re getting ready to head out somewhere anywhere, grab your coat or car keys and state that you’re on your way out but can catch up soon. In the past, a toxic person showed up and knocked on my ground floor window instead of being buzzed in in the lobby. I had no choice but to let him in but said that I was just getting ready to leave to go grocery shopping, I grabbed my coat, and told him he could walk with me and proceeded to leave, he followed, we made some conversation while walking and then he headed in a different direction once we rounded the corner. He got bored I guess….yay! for me!! Sometimes we do need to do some fast acting, unnecessary things in order to get away from toxic people. After awhile, you become quite adept at “blowing off” a narcissist that THEY lose interest and leave you alone….kind of like the Grey Rock method but more like Grey Rock behaviour….like walking to the grocery store…lol!! I hope this helps someone out there….if no contact is not an option then don’t go as often and don’t stay as long. Peace, Love and David Cassidy…your forever friend Terri✌️❤️☮️🥰💖
Thank you so much for this. My mother is a narcissist & I find it so deeply upsetting that at my age, 58, I still fall for her “it’s all about me” routine. I always end up in tears, after the event & punished for ‘being the one in the wrong’ even though her original nastiness & complaint, has nothing to do with me. She allows my younger sister to run rings around her & will throw money at her to fix any problem, & let her speak to her like sh*t. But with me, she walks all over me & when I try to offer her solutions to her issues, problems, complaining & moaning, she turns on me & blames me. I’m a retired nurse by profession which means I care & will always try to help someone. I try not to engage with her selfishness & negativity but I had no choice at a recent meal out. She behaved like a child & ruined what should have been a wonderful catch-up with my daughter who I hadn’t seen in 2 months. Did I mention that she walked out on us for another man when my sister & I were 5 & 3 yrs old? And even still today, shes never apologised or ever taken on board any wrongdoing or responsibility for the damage that her absence, abandonment & betrayal has caused. How do you ever heal from this mess?
I have developed an understanding that what others do or say doesn’t define or diminish who I am. If I have to be with a toxic type, I keep responses very brief and use their bad behaviour as a lesson of how not to treat others, I let it strengthen my sense of self by feeling grateful I have found an inner serenity in my life and don’t have to live with the turmoil they have in theirs . Gratitude works for me.
It’s very liberating and peaceful to finally get to this stage isn’t it, Maz? It certainly takes awhile though, so much self help and so much self love but it IS possible to get to this level of self healing…..been there! Thank you for your insight, Terri ✌️❤️
I can relate to this article a lot. For almost 10 years I’ve been going through a nasty custody exchange with my child’s other parent. I have been on state assistance for years due to having to work part time jobs and be on standby as my child is a special needs child. I have been harassed, stalked, and followed by my child’s other parent. I have been lied about, bullied, and threatened all while the firm statement being told to me that “You need to do the right thing and no I will never give you any child support.” I have been made to feel that I have to comply with all requests or be threatened with court while I am the sole provider for my child and my child gets weaponized against me in a reverse fashion by forcing my child to do overnights against their wishes and attempting to force my child to do an overnight while severely sick and being told that I can only come to the house to bring medicine but my child will stay no matter what illness is going on. There have been so many times when I have tried to create schedules for visitation, I have asked for child support, I have asked for structure and asked just to be respected. I’ve been rebutted at every moment. At this time all I want is peace, boundaries and respect. I have been willing to make a visitation schedule, I have made three actually and all were denied. We finally reached a space of agreeing to an every weekend visitation with every other weekend overnights, I still receive no child support. He gives me money maybe 1 time a year when he chooses to. Every time I am assertive, I’m threatened with court. Every time I just try to stay out of his way and give him respect while still advocating for what makes sense for structure for our special needs child, I am threatened and made fun of. I’m tired. I’m now accepting that there is nothing I can do to prevent him from taking me to court and having to prove that I am a good parent and try to be a good co-parent and I only have asked for structure and some help financially. I can’t stop this from happening and I feel that this is my biggest hurdle to “accept” since having to “accept” my Dad’s death. He hasn’t let up at all knowing that my Dad died. There’s no concern or empathy for me so I stopped expecting it, I only want it for my child now.
I hope you find that peace and those boundaries, Sarah. I’m sorry to hear of all the suffering you’re experiencing – this is a truly exhausting situation. Best thing to realize is that such toxic people will NEVER change. Lose hope. Find freedom. Emotionally detach and find as much distance as you can. May you find success and peace <3
Today is my completely alienated child’s birthday. She turns 24. Her mother was very narcissistic and left me back in 2005. Have for the most part not seen the child since. Her mother launched horrible smear campaigns against me. It was so horrible that I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. The child ended up falling through the cracks. Do I desire reunification? Not really. I know it sounds horrible. During the child’s first two years, I was a most wonderful father. Even took her home from the hospital nearly 24 years ago. Cared for this infant alone until days later. She slept on my bosom at night. Now I look back realizing that this child was used to villianize me for life. Due to the fact that her mother was a good liar, I knew that I had little chance of getting anywhere in a potential custody battle. I had two other teenagers at the time as well, so I did not want this person back for that reason as well.
I’m sharing something in this public comment that’s very difficult for me to swallow. I wrote a letter and sent a handmade card to my oldest childhood friend regarding why I have trouble being around them. I tried to be as compassionate as possible about my problems with their narcissistic behavior (without saying those exact words). I revealed to them that I’m controlling, too (similar yet different) with my own immediate family after long contemplation and finally fully admitting to myself that I need to change asap. Now they want to meet me in person to talk through it not wanting to lose our long-term friendship, but I have anxiety about having to deal with them face-to-face. I feel like I have to wield my invisible shield to protect myself from their slippery games. I don’t know if our situation is compounded with us both being neurodivergent and extremely empathic. Thank you for writing this post, and I appreciate everyone else’s comments as well.
Thanks for your vulnerability Nancy. If this person is truly a narcissist, meeting them again is dangerous for your wellbeing. There’s a difference between having self-centered characteristics and having a full-blown personality disorder. I’d carefully examine the difference if I were you. Going back to a legitimate narcissist is a recipe for chaos, pain, and suffering. Tread wisely and choose carefully.
Hello Luna,
I saw this the other day and reading it some more now. What a synch! You and I were just talking about my situation recently in the comments here in your last article.
It is very timely and I love what you have written here and others sharing there feelings and experiences too. It gives some comfort to know we are not alone. There is indeed real evil and darkness in the world.
One thing I am learning is that on the spectrum of darkness the dark types of people, they are great teachers of the worst of the human condition. For me in my situation i am learning more about my own shadow from my family and also who/how NOT to be. I am not saying that my pain and suffering at their hands has to “mean” something but a part of me wants to understand the reasons so I can have more purpose on my healing journey as I move forward on my path.
Narcs are great at teaching us what not to become or be and the necessity of being a “good”, honest and healthy human being for others.
Yes, it freaking sucks and it is deeply painful but these days I am trying to find whatever “lessons” from the abuse and family situation I can without bypassing the pain and trauma either.
Thank you, as always <3
“One thing I am learning is that on the spectrum of darkness the dark types of people, they are great teachers of the worst of the human condition.” – Well said, Jamiel! Learning to reframe the experience is another thing powerful tool when dealing with these darker types of folks. I think I might add that to the article in the ‘other honorary mentions’ section. Thank you for sharing your experience 💜