This article is part of the Childhood Trauma hub, a single thread within the broader practice of inner work.
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Emotional exhaustion. Resentment. Invisibility. Self-erasure.
Let’s be frank. People-pleasing is a special kind of hell – a habit that so many sensitive, empathic, and deep-thinking people fall into. I bet you know the feeling.
It’s that sickly sweet I’m going to bend over backward to make you feel good no matter what kind of sensation.
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And for those reading this thinking “nah, that’s not me, I’ve matured out of that” … yeah, maybe. But people-pleasing can show up in surprising ways. I’ll get to that soon (hint: you may be a “resistor” type).
I have always been something of a people-pleaser. Growing up, I took pride in being the “good girl,” getting good grades, and being helpful. As an adult, I still occasionally overgive, overdo, and worry too much about how others feel, taking responsibility for their feelings.
A couple of days ago I bumped into someone I know unexpectedly at the shops, and it brought up that old pattern again. For me, it’s an automatic habit of masking (something neurodivergent folks know well) or trying to appear “normal” because let’s face it: I’m still a little insecure around people I don’t know well. I still care what others think about me. Maybe less than I did before, but I still do. That’s part of being human.
After the painful trying-to-appear-normal smile faded from my face in that conversation (which was actually lovely), it got me thinking about people-pleasing. Why does it happen? Why do we do it? What’s the deeper current underneath – the core wound that triggers this behavior? How could this be an inner work opportunity? Because when all is said and done, people-pleasing is a product of unconscious fear, fear that usually has its roots in childhood trauma.
Table of contents
The Four Types of People-Pleasers
In her book Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live, psychotherapist Emma Reed Turrell defines the four types of people-pleasers. Pay special attention to which one you identify with the most:
- The Classic People-Pleaser: this is the stereotype we usually think about when we hear “people-pleaser.” It’s someone who feels a sense of pride in their ability to endlessly put others first, often basing their self-esteem on how good those around them feel. If others aren’t happy, they interpret it as a personal failure.
- The Shadow People-Pleaser: this is the quieter cousin of the classic people-pleaser. It’s someone who carries a fundamental belief that others are simply more important than themselves, and they don’t make a big deal about chronically seeking to please those around them.
- The Pacifier People-Pleaser: this is a more self-protective type of behavior. It manifests in people who are terrified of displeasing others and rocking the boat, so they push aside their feelings and placate people instead.
- The Resistor People-Pleaser: this is the type most don’t know about. It appears in those who don’t identify with the people-pleaser label because they don’t show many of the same behaviors. But this is only because they’re so concerned with being judged and displeasing others that they keep everyone at arm’s length to prevent that from happening in the first place. Resistors are generally aloof, avoidant, and overly self-sufficient because deep down, they secretly care a lot about others’ opinions. The logic is that if they opt out, they can’t enter the people-pleasing game to begin with, but this still limits their freedom because they’re living in reaction to a deeper fear.
Let me know which one you relate to the most. Also know that these aren’t rigid categories: we can and do shift in and out of them depending on the context and people around us.
The Core Wounds Beneath People-Pleasing
The ‘core wound’ is a term sometimes given to describe that tendency we have to believe ourselves unworthy at some deep, hard to define level … Everyone experiences the ‘core wound’ differently.
– Robert A. Johnson
I am shocked by how absent the discussion of core wounding is in the healing field. Perhaps “trauma” comes the closest. But this term doesn’t describe the why behind the pain, only the what.
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Core wounding explains why we often think the way we do, why we feel certain disturbing emotions, and the resulting behaviors and habits that come as a result. It is the most unconscious and painful belief we carry about ourselves, others, and the world.
For example, we may have been raised by a narcissistic or emotionally neglectful parent. That creates trauma. But why? Because of core wounding.
(Incidentally, understanding this topic was a huge unlock in my personal life and healing journey. It helped me to develop self-compassion and nurture my inner child in ways I couldn’t do previously.)
So what are the core wounds related to these four people-pleasing types? To clarify something important: I’m giving you a “flavor” of what the core wound may sound like. Your core wound may be entirely different. This is just a “hint,” not the indisputable truth. This is why finding your own core wound (the precise language that illuminates its true nature) is so important. Words can be walls or windows to healing. More on that later.
Here are the core wounds beneath each type of people-pleasing:
The Classic People-Pleaser = believes that their self-worth is derived from how good they make others feel. “I am worthless.” “I’m not good enough.”
The Shadow People-Pleaser = believes others are fundamentally more important than they are and lives in the shadows. “I am invisible.” “I am lacking.”
The Pacifier People-Pleaser = believes that angering or upsetting people directly reflects on their self-worth and value. “I am unsafe.” “I am dislikeable.”
The Resistor People-Pleaser = believes that others are fundamentally unsafe to be around and fears judgment, so isolates and becomes hyper-independent. “I am a failure.” “I am bad.”
Honestly, while I can see myself in many of these people-pleasing types, historically I tend to fall into the Resistor type the most. If I can avoid having to please people, I will – and that means keeping many people at arm’s length. If, for some reason, I do find myself in a situation where I feel obliged to please others, I’ll gravitate toward the Classic mixed with the Pacifier people-pleaser.
What about you? Let me know below.
Naming your core wound is a strange kind of relief. It’s the moment the mental fog clears a little, and you go, oh, so that’s what’s been running the show this whole time. But naming it isn’t the same as healing it. I know that firsthand. I could tell you my core wound in one sentence, and still catch myself acting out the behavior it triggers days later, without noticing until it’s happened.
This is actually part of why I ended up building the Soul Work Compass Course with Sol. It’s not that understanding your wound isn’t valuable. It is, as a starting point. But most stop there. We read the self-help books, we have the “aha” moments, and then… nothing changes. The course exists for those ready to stop avoiding or managing the wound and start living from a different inner place entirely.
We help you go past the anxious, over-giving self the wound built to keep you safe, and find the deeper one underneath it. This is the Soul-Self whose values, needs, and beliefs are actually your own. That’s what co-creating an aligned and authentic life really means: you go beyond performing it for the approval of others and start building it from the ground up instead. Check out the course here.
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Healing Begins With Security and Clarity
In my experience, people-pleasing starts to lessen when you begin to feel more secure and clear inside of yourself. That security comes through inner work and its four pillars:
- Embodiment – learning to be more grounded and regulate your nervous system
- Self-love – learning to be your own best friend and quietening the voice of the inner critic
- Inner child work – caring for your inner child and learning to reparent them
- Shadow work – befriending your disowned parts and integrating them into a whole self
Two powerful ways to start I’ve found are:
(1) Getting grounded by intentionally deepening your breath in situations where you find the people-pleasing arises. This embodiment aspect of inner work also works by looking around your environment for something safe (a plant, tree, painting, cozy spot) to get out of tunnel vision and orient you to the present moment.
(2) Internally reassuring your inner child that you are safe, lovable, and worthy, especially when you feel the urge to abandon yourself in pursuit of excessively pleasing others.
Those two practices help in the moment. But honestly, moment-to-moment coping was never what actually changed things for me long-term. What made the difference was going deeper and getting clearer. This is not just about “I have a core wound” in the abstract, but knowing precisely what it is, what beliefs it creates, what I actually need instead, and what values I want to be living by rather than the ones fear handed me.
That’s the whole process the Soul Work Compass walks you through. Twelve lessons, a workbook, spiritual alchemy as the map, and at the end you walk away with an actual document: your core wounds, your values, your needs, your rewritten beliefs, all crystallized into one thing you can return to whenever the old pattern creeps back in. Because it will creep back in. That’s just how life is. ;)
***
“Stress, anxiety and depression are caused when we are living to please others.” – Paulo Coelho
Hidden within people-pleasing tendencies is a morsel of light. It shows that you care for others – sometimes so much that you need to isolate yourself to recover. But that care becomes muddied when it’s tied in with self-worth and core wounding.
I hope you’ve found some healing insight or clarity here. ♡
Tell me, what type of people-pleaser are you? How has that impacted your life? Share in the comments. You never know who may be able to relate.
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I acknowledge all these types of people pleasing in myself. I had a very traumatic and painful childhood where heavy religion suffocated life. There was ongoing violence, alcoholism and neglect and abuse and sexual abuse. Life is absolutely exhausting but I’m a work in progress. I’m slowly learning boundaries, to pause and acknowledge when the people pleasing pattern arises but I admit it’s a huge challenge to undo 65+ years of a people pleasing default setting. There’s so much to work through whilst dealing with overwhelming guilt and shame and most recently the revelations of what I went through bubbling to the surface after a lifetime of numbness and disassociation. Most days it’s one step forward and then two steps back but I won’t stop working on myself. Thank you with all my heart for your wonderful work. I am learning so much about myself from your weekly articles and I thank you again with heartfelt gratitude.
“Most days it’s one step forward and then two steps back but I won’t stop working on myself” — I love the strength of your spirit, Elizabeth. Thank you for walking this path 💜
I bet Resistor is my style as it saves me the stress of the other styles. But I consider myself an introvert, and though I enjoy my own company, I wonder if it’s more motivated by not having to deal with people pleasing.
Also have dealt for years w chronic GI issues that exacerbate insecurity around people.
Thank you, Lonerwolf, for being a safe, kind, relatable place for my emotionally/mentally messy self 🩵
Thank you KS for taking the time to share and for your presence here 💜
I probably have a hybrid people pleasing approach. I was severely neglected as a child and I wanted connection desperately. If people liked me then I was safe and they would hopefully not leave. I also was conflict avoidant and worked to keep someone from getting mad at me. I would try to fix what ever it was the other person was upset about. If someone got mad at me, I blamed myself and felt inappropriate guilt and shame. Always looking for something I never received.
Big hugs, Chris. Thanks for your vulnerability 💜
I would say I was/am a people pleaser but over time have you dominant trait is a resistor.
i dont bend over backwards as much as I used to as it has bsckfired at times as I find the receiver wants more and more of me and I end up baffled as to why I even bothered. Its very tiring.
So now its easier for me to back off and choose who will get my attention or just give out little snippets now and then.
Keeps my mind safe.
That makes sense Kat. Thank you for sharing. :)
Oh, definitely A ‘Resistor’! I didn’t know the term existed, but after reading your description, I instantly knew it was ‘me’ and it explains a lot of my behaviours. Because I didn’t know the inner power I had, I tended to keep away from friends and even members of family….. at great sacrifice to my self and what I could ‘have’. I feel more in charge now, that I’m starting to speak my truth: ‘let the dice fall where it will!’
But its fucking scary sometimes because there are people out there who will NOT face their own ‘truth’, so will point the finger at others who try to speak from their ‘truth’.
“But its fucking scary sometimes because there are people out there who will NOT face their own ‘truth’, so will point the finger at others who try to speak from their ‘truth’” — people around whom the strongest boundaries need to be set!
I’m more of the “no self-worth” people pleaser. But I have a question: In doing soul work and trying to heal from childhood traumas and such – what about past-life traumas? Those are still your soul. How do you cut ties or try to heal those happenings as well?
Past life work is not my area of involvement as I prefer to keep inner work ‘this life centered.’ (I find this more empowering, grounding, and present-moment centered.) I believe whatever issues we may/may not have inherited from a past life can be dealt with in this life. ;)
Aletheia– I have been a Classic People-Pleaser since I was a young child. My father wanted me to be the perfect person– especially in my education and athletic endeavors. Every time I failed to be perfect, I suffered some sort of punishment. So I tried harder. When I became a high school teacher, for forty five years , my people pleasing grew stronger. I had to please my students; the parents of my students; my colleagues; my friends; and the school’s administration. With two exceptions, I completely lost the idea and feeling of self love–the exceptions were my successes as a highly ranked runner and racer and a highly lauded teacher. Only after retiring from teaching and suffering an injury that ended my running career did I think that I no longer had a purpose in life. As you wrote, it felt like a special kind of Hell for me. It was not long after retiring that I was diagnosed with a brain disease that put me on the path of Alzheimer’s Disease. I decided that I was not going to wait for the Angels to guide me to the other side of life, so I thought about how I could learn to love myself and enjoy what life offered during my remaining years. I took several Expeditions with National Geographic (Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Teton Mountains and the Canadian Rocky Mountains); taught myself how to draw and to paint with watercolors ; to play the piano; to volunteer with the National Alzheimer’s Association and the local Dementia Association to teach caregiving to those who cared for their friends, family and loved ones who suffered from Alzheimer’s and Dementia; and to participate in Senior Olympic Games each year. I am so grateful for the writing that you and Sol have done with Loner Wolf that has taught me and motivated me to make my life a better and more joyful life. Being a very sensitive and empathic person, I still find pleasure in pleasing people but not to the extent that dominated my life for sixty years.
What an inspiring change of course in your life, Donald. Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with us 💜
Oh dear, the resistor type definitely fits the profile. I would rather avoid people completely than give in to them. After bringing up four children I am very resistant to people pleasing, I have sacrificed much of my time, self and resources. I feel that now it is my time, my turn, ergo I avoid others more often than not. I feel I have earned some peace and look after myself much more nowadays. As a woman in my fifties I have found practicing self care and self love is now my new priority.
I’m glad you’re taking that well-deserved time for yourself now, Yve. ;)
First time seeing the Resistor defined but relate to it more than the others. Have always tried to be not offensive as opposed to people pleasing. Never flatter or fawn or over-serve. Think it stems from really nasty, trashy parents that, even as a kid, I did not respect. Want love but will not beg for it. It’s related to power, trust and self-protection. The downside is it reads aloofness so always a bit of disconnection.
That makes sense, Hannah. Thank you for sharing. :)
Well, I think I nailed all four types. Like I’ve mentioned before, since I grew up in a home with strict social rules and demanding parents, I ended up absorbing those traits into my personality. Honestly, I’m not really into psychoanalytic concepts, but there’s definitely some interesting stuff to think about there. And yeah, childhood traumas stick with us along the way. Still, I don’t believe they’re the only thing that defines us. I believe more in essence — we’re as unique as fingerprints.
That said, I’ve gotten way better at dealing with the whole “people pleaser” thing, but it’s still there, like social psychology points out. Since we’re social beings — or “social animals,” as Aristotle put it — we naturally want to get along and seek some validation. Most people live like that, because those who stand out too much often get rejected, and that feeling of isolation can be scary for anyone.
This really impacts our lives. Sensitive people are more likely to avoid conflict or saying “no.” Sensitivity drives emotions, so we end up wanting the best for others and putting them first, while we stay in second place. It’s exhausting, emotionally speaking. When we’re dealing with kind people, it’s not such a big issue. The real problem is manipulators. Once they realize you prioritize others’ well-being and avoid discomfort, they take advantage and drain your energy.
Since we’re natural empaths, we need to be aware of this so we don’t lose ourselves completely. What I had to change in myself was understanding that saying “no” and disappointing someone doesn’t make me a bad person — it’s actually a way to protect my own well-being and balance. If the other person can’t handle that, then they need to deal with their own emotions.
It might sound selfish, but when you dive into yourself and the real causes of human conflict today, you realize frustration and resentment often come from people taking on things that aren’t theirs to carry. If people just accepted themselves and stopped trying to control others, we’d have healthier relationships. And people need to understand: peace isn’t external, it’s internal.
Of course, some won’t accept you cutting ties, and you’ll face situations where you’re tested. But once you realize that prioritizing yourself means you don’t have to carry the burden of being a martyr — it’s freeing. And honestly, being a martyr or a saint is overrated anyway.
“saying “no” and disappointing someone doesn’t make me a bad person — it’s actually a way to protect my own well-being and balance. If the other person can’t handle that, then they need to deal with their own emotions.” — Makes me think of the quote about how if someone rejects a boundary, it means that they’re the precise type of person boundaries need to be enacted with. ;)
Hi Hans,
So much of what you’ve written here resonates with me and my experiences.
My parents were very strict too and I wasn’t allowed to experiment with different ways of living, or rebel at all, or voice opposing (political/religious/lifestyle) opinions to my parents, so I mostly shut down emotionally and just tried to keep the peace as much as possible until I was old enough to leave home. It felt like my “relationship” with my parents was a total sham 😥
I became a Pacifier people pleaser, trying to keep the peace while quietly finding a way to live a life which felt true to myself and my core values. I’m mostly succeeding, but vulnerable to people pleasing when my guard’s down.
What resonated most strongly in your piece is the bit about the Manipulators. I still tend not to see them coming and I can allow them to take advantage of my generosity and kindness (if I let them). I’m getting more aware of them though, so that’s progress! 😁
Thanks for your wisdom and insight.