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People-Pleasing: The Hidden Dangers of Always Being “Too Nice”

by Aletheia Luna · Updated: Mar 1, 2025 · 32 Comments

Image of a person holding up two happy masks that represent people-pleasing

You feel the pressure throb in your veins. A lump rises in your throat as your colleagues watch you closely. They are expecting an answer. They are expecting you to comply. Every fibre of your being wants to scream “NO I CAN’T.” But as if possessed, you automatically smile sweetly and say, “Yes, I’ll do it, thanks for asking.”

WTF is going on here?! Why can’t you just say “no,” and walk away?

If you’re like me, people-pleasing has run havoc in your life. It has crushed your spirit repeatedly. It has robbed you of peace of mind, personal empowerment and the courage to follow your goals and dreams. It has hit you while you’re down and dragged you through the dirt. It might have also contributed to chronic issues in your life such as anxiety disorders, depression, addiction or co-dependency.


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So what exactly is people-pleasing … and how can we heal the root cause of it?

16 Habits of People-Pleasing Personality Types

Image of sad and happy balloons symbolic of good vibes only and toxic positivity

At some point or another, we have all struggled with people-pleasing. After all, as social creatures, we are prone to peer pressure and the desire to fit in. But there is a big difference between the desire for acceptance and people-pleasing. People-pleasing is not just a once-in-a-while foible: it’s a daily struggle.

Here are 16 common habits:

  • You struggle to say “no”
  • You find it hard to be assertive and voice your opinions
  • You’re hyper-vigilant about perceived rejection from others (always on the lookout)
  • You’re an emotophobe (you fear negative emotions)
  • You’re excessively altruistic/philanthropic
  • You often suffer at the expense of doing a favor for others
  • You have a weak sense of self and poor interpersonal boundaries
  • You become emotionally dependent/co-dependent when in relationships/friendships
  • You’re addicted to approval from others
  • You have a neurotic desire to be liked no matter what
  • You feel shattered for days or weeks when someone criticises you
  • You have low self-worth
  • You act based on what “other people think” of you
  • You always put yourself in other’s shoes, but you rarely show compassion towards yourself
  • You blindly believe in other people’s “goodness” even if they are clearly abusive towards you
  • You fear losing control of yourself because you repress so much

It’s also said that people-pleasing can form a bridge to other conditions such as borderline personality disorder and social anxiety disorder.

Why Being “Too Nice” Can Be Harmful

People-Pleasing

Obviously there is nothing wrong with being nice. But having the neurotic desire to be nice is harmful for a number of reasons. Here’s why:

1. You suppress A LOT of emotion

Inevitably, wanting to be loved and needed by others all the time results in suppressing tons of uncomfortable emotions. I’m talking rage, hatred, bitterness, annoyance, grief and stress — anything that is contrary to the altruistic image you crave to portray. You might not be conscious of repressing these types of emotions, but rest assured, it comes with the job description. You can’t give yourself entirely to other people, deny yourself, and expect to feel fine and dandy in the longterm.

Suppression of emotions eventually results in physical or psychological breakdowns. Many chronic mental and physical illnesses are fuelled by the neurotic desire to please others.


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2. Extreme pressure to “keep up appearances”

One of the worst things about constantly being nice is the extreme pressure you feel to constantly maintain your self-image. It feels good constantly being on people’s “good” sides. It feels good to avoid negative feelings and get the spotlight for being a saint. But this addiction comes at a price: chronic stress. Often that stress is imperceptible, but it’s always there, always demanding that you keep your mask strapped on even though it might be suffocating you.

3. People use you

When you’re a people-pleaser you open yourself up to abuse. Narcissists, energy vampires, bullies and other types of wounded people are drawn to you like fresh meat. Having weak boundaries, low self-esteem and the insatiable desire to please makes you the perfect “use and abuse” target. And unconsciously, you like feeling needed and wanted, so you unwittingly continue the toxic cycle.

It’s just like what the famous Eurythmics song “Sweet dreams are made of this” says: “Everybody’s looking for something. Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused …”

4. You have the intense need to be in control

At first, people-pleasing might come across as a selfless act. But people-pleasing is actually a selfish act because you’re trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way.

In fact, people-pleasing is more about the desire to be in control than it is to please other people. Wanting to be liked by others is just a symptom of the desire to be in control because deep down you feel powerless or worthless. This is why people-pleasing is so exhausting — it goes against the flow of life, and takes so much effort to maintain.

5. No one really knows the “true” you

Keeping so much locked inside of you for fear of being disapproved of makes you extremely guarded. In fact, if you’re a people-pleaser you might fear for instance, getting drunk, because all of the secret thoughts and opinions you have might come to the surface. In other words, you’ll no longer be in control of yourself.

When you’re a people-pleaser no one really knows the “true” and authentic you — they only know the facade that you present them with. Unfortunately, this desire to be loved and approved often backfires, making you feel more lonely and disconnected as time goes on. Eventually, you wind up feeling “invisible” and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.

How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Image of a woman putting a hand over her heart

Naturally you might be wondering right now, “What can I do to stop this?”

Let me tell you, there is so much bad advice out there. And the solution to overcoming this addiction (because it is), is NOT pulling the middle finger at everyone.

I don’t condone the “fuck you” approach because it’s immature and reactive.

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Instead, I recommend the harder-but-wiser approach of:

  • Taking responsibility for your happiness
  • Learning to be assertive
  • Actively feeling and accepting negative/painful emotions
  • Learning to find self-worth WITHIN, not without

I have linked an appropriate article to each of these four points. Click on whatever point you feel that you most need to work on.

As someone who has struggled with a people-pleasing personality (MBTI: INFJ by the way), I know how self-destructive this trait can be. Because of this need to be accepted by others, I have suffered intense periods of anxiety and chronic pain, not to mention tons of repressed emotions for years.

But the first step to overcoming this problem is to shift your focal point from the outside world, to the inside world. Eventually, with time and practice utilizing the points above, you will be able to say sincerely and openly “I am enough unto myself” as I now can.

Any tips or advice that you have about this issue are welcome below.

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is a prolific psychospiritual writer, author, educator, and intuitive guide whose work has touched the lives of millions worldwide. As a survivor of fundamentalist religious abuse, her mission is to help others find love, strength, and inner light in even the darkest places. She is the author of hundreds of popular articles, as well as numerous books and journals on the topics of Self-Love, Spiritual Awakening, and more. [Read More]

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  1. AnonymousPerson says

    June 20, 2023 at 8:50 am

    I’m no INFJ or INTJ like the founders of this website, but people pleasing is kind of a very common issue to face in general for a lot of types. I suggest looking up these phrases/terms if you want to research this issue further. 1. Psychology of people pleasing 2. Books on people pleasing 3. Books on boundaries 4. Assertiveness training 5. How to say no / Ways to say no 6. People pleasing in women 7. People pleasing in men 8. Conflict resolution skills 9. Conflict management skills 10. Codependency books 11. Codependency psychology 12. Verbal self-defense 13. Verbal aikido 14.How to deescalate a situation 15. Nonviolent communication

    Reply
  2. Estelle haskell says

    May 12, 2022 at 4:54 pm

    I am everything you have just written about, I know where it stemmed from – from the trauma of my dad leaving when I was 3 years old, it has now in my early 40’s caused me to be clinically depressed and on medication- life is a daily battle with my own mind and the daily fear of upsetting someone is real and exhausting! My husband has always said I’m too kind and struggles to understand! Do you have a book, that I can purchase and follow to help make life a little easier?

    Reply
  3. Tony says

    December 02, 2020 at 6:58 am

    My best friend fell out with me around six weeks ago and has ghosted and blocked me on all social media, Whatssap and messenger. We’d been friends 21 years and had become extremely close over the last ten months in our mutual trust and depth of connection. We had spent so much time together, even though I’d never viewed her romantically before (I’m male) feelings began to develop at least on my side, the last few months. I had begun to sense a romantic shift from her side too and although I questioned it in my mind instantly, eventually I came to believe the feelings were mutual.
    She has always considered herself to be a people pleaser and has had some recent issues with men treating her very badly! We spent an evening together where as usual I felt we were totally opening up to each other, sharing our deepest vulnerabilities and the mutual warmth and love were wonderful.
    Anyway, when we next met a few days later, she suddenly, inexplicably became very unpleasant towards me in a way I found quite humiliating. She then asked for space which I understood (given the nature of her recent bad experiences) and I left for a holiday on my own. During this trip I began to question whether she was perhaps trying to halt our relationship developing further, possibly because she didn’t realise I had feelings for her! So it seems I did the wrong thing, I let it slip out over message to her and her reply made me feel so discarded and humiliated I did the only thing I could, which was to try and salvage the friendship, but I told her on message I needed to speak to her – just for reassurance I hadn’t damaged things permanently. I have BPD (which she knows about) and the panic was like nothing I’d ever experienced as I kept trying to call, but she totally refused to either answer or message me back. Unfortunately, I began to dissacociate and felt myself fading in and out of reality, I could see shadows surrounding me and I kept losing consciousness, as had taken too many painkillers as I’d lost count. I truly felt I was about to die and she never answered. Anyway, eventually I came back to my hotel room and was able to see clearly again. I was angry that I felt she hadn’t cared about my life and told her so. Her response was to block me and cut me off from all forms of communication.
    I have been in the most severe emotional pain over the last six weeks I have ever endured. I’ve turned it over and over in my head, developed a stomach ulcer and at times seem to fade out in my mind, where I lose long periods of time, disconnected and lost. I still feel our love (platonic at least!) was genuine and we cared deeply for each other. I cannot emotionally process her disconnecting me though,no matter how hard I try and every attempt I’ve made to reach her (maybe two or three calls and three text messages over the last six weeks) have been ignored and it now seems she will never talk to me again.
    Every time I think I am recovering from this experience, some small trigger will send me into episodes of severe depression and there is a sense I destroyed myself by trusting her and opening myheart to the love I was beginning to feel.
    I am 45 (she’s 38) and good friends are not made easily as you grow older. Why has she behaved with such callous indifferenc towards me? I no longer feel any trust towards the world or the people in it and just want to sop hurting so much inside!

    Reply
    • Aletheia Luna says

      October 29, 2021 at 10:35 am

      Dear Tony, I know this is a late response and I apologise for that, but I hope you still read and receive it. I hope there’s a little bit more clarity on your side now, but if not, I’d say that it sounds like your friend got majorly triggered. Some intense core wound within her must have been activated, and that is *no fault of your own.* From what you describe, you came from a place of love and respect for her. Her response is here responsibility and unfair to you. If you’re still struggling with the pain from this, I highly encourage you to seek out a counselor who can help you through this depression and confusion. You might also benefit from reading more about emotional triggers and core wounds: https://lonerwolf.com/emotional-triggers/ + https://lonerwolf.com/core-wound/ Much love and healing to you ♡

      Reply
  4. Cristy Runck says

    November 07, 2020 at 7:26 pm

    hi!,I like your writing so much! share we communicate more about your post on AOL? I need a specialist on this area to solve my problem. Maybe that’s you! Looking forward to see you.

    Reply
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