Trapped With a Narcissist? Here’s How to Recover Your Soul

One of the hardest truths I’ve ever faced is that you can’t always “cut” someone toxic out of your life just like that. 

So much advice out there on dealing with toxic, narcissistic, or highly dysfunctional people is overly simplistic. “Just go no contact,” “Burn bridges,” “Never speak to them again.”

I mean, yeah, sure, this advice is great for some people who can do that. But for others, it can increase feelings of helplessness, entrapment, and despair. 

(Please note that if you’re in a domestic violence situation where your life is in danger, please get the f*ck out of there ASAP and call a DV hotline or shelter.)

Here are some examples of situations where saying “see ya” forever may be unwise or extraordinarily difficult to do:

1. Coparenting with a narcissistic ex-partner. When children are involved, going “no contact” may be extremely difficult or impossible to do immediately, as you’re often legally, emotionally, or logistically bound to that person for years. Cutting ties could result in things like the children being weaponized (and further traumatized), hefty legal fees, and more.
2. A dying or seriously ill family member. In an emotionally intense situation like this, it can be hard to totally cut off that toxic parent, sibling, or relative, especially if you’re all they have. Many people in this type of situation find themselves unable to leave due to compassion and other deeply held values. They don’t want to be left with the guilt and weight of abandoning someone (even a destructive, toxic person) in their final days, weeks, or months of life.
3. Being financially dependent or entrapped by that person. Maybe it’s a narcissistic boss who would destroy your career if you abruptly burned bridges or a spouse (or even parent) who is in control of your housing. Going no contact in these situations could mean risking poverty, homelessness, or professional ruin. If you don’t have the material resources yet to do that, it can be extremely risky. 

If you find yourself in any of these situations (or others I haven’t mentioned), what does that mean if you WANT to heal, but are still stuck with a toxic person?

What does it mean for your own inner work and path of soul recovery?

Is it still possible to reconnect with your deeper Self – the one that was lost, silenced, or erased?

These are powerful and important questions, and my short answer is yes, to a certain degree.

I’ll share more about my perspective soon. But first, let’s touch on WHY I’m sharing this post right now.

“Dark Triad” Toxic People and Why I’m Writing This 

(Note: the “Dark triad” is a psychological theory of personality that refers to people who display narcissistic, machiavellian, and/or psychopathic traits.)

The other week, we asked our newsletter subscribers to share some of their biggest “shadow issues,” and we received almost 300 responses. 

One of the biggest issues our beloved community here shared was “dealing with toxic people” and the “internal rage, shame, and pain” that surrounds that. So I thought I’d write this post and offer my perspective.

Here’s an uncomfortable reality I rarely discuss … I have been regularly exposed to a malignant narcissist who shows signs of sociopathy for many years now. It’s not something I’ve explored much in my writings because the topic is extremely sensitive, personal, and complex. 

But one day, I plan on writing more freely about this situation and identifying why “cutting ties” with them has proven to be out of my range of immediate options. However, all you need to know now is that said person is profoundly toxic. So much so that I have to be mindful not to disclose too much information right now (as this is a public post).

This is why I believe I have some level of authority writing about this topic. I’ve been there, and am presently there. I’m not speaking down to you from a high and mighty mountain of absolute healing and pristine perfection. 

I, too, am in the messy, muddy muck of daily life that comes from dealing with a narcissistic “dark triad” person.

Like you, I’ve wondered how to heal myself and connect with my soul even whilst in such a crazy-making situation. Here are some of my thoughts and findings … 

The Art of Finding the Home Within Yourself (When You’re Surrounded By a Narcissist’s BS): 7 Paths 

“Nowhere you can go is more peaceful – more free of interruptions – than your own soul.” – Marcus Aurelius

One of my favorite discoveries of recent times comes from the ancient philosophy of Stoicism and is the idea of the Inner Citadel. 

Essentially, the notion of the Inner Citadel is all about finding that place within us that is full of peace and contentment, no matter what is happening outside of its walls. 

As you can imagine, this is easier said than done! But it can be slowly cultivated and uncovered.

If you don’t like the phrase “citadel” or “castle,” replace that with the word home instead – a sturdy home protects us from the external elements while keeping us warm and safe inside. This is what we need when we’re dealing with toxic people.

While connecting with our Souls, our deeper essence, can be tricky while still having a narcissist in our life, it’s not out of reach. Sure, in an ideal world, we would be totally free of them – and there might still be parts of us that need to hide for the time being while they’re in our orbit. But we can still connect with that wise, wild, warm, welcoming, and whole place within us privately. Getting grounded in this inner space will also make dealing with the narcissist easier.

The art of finding the home within yourself – aka, soul recovery – can happen in many ways. I’ll share with you some ideas below that have helped me:

1. Understand the Dichotomy of Control. 

This is an idea from the ancient philosophy of Stoicism (note that Stoicism is different from lower-case ‘stoicism’ in meaning – it’s not about having a stiff upper lip, but about developing strength of character). 

Essentially, the dichotomy of control points out that all external people and events are outside of our power. But what is within our power is our own judgments and decisions. 

This teaching reminds me of Nazi death camp survivor Viktor Frankl’s famous words, 

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

That’s the dichotomy of control in action, folks. We might not be able to control the behavior of the toxic, sociopathic, or narcissistic person in our lives, but we can know what is in our control and what isn’t. In that, there is more power and peace.

2. Disengage and “grey rock”

I absolutely adore this method. It has saved me from so much stress and trauma. Essentially, with the grey rock method, the goal is to be so dull and uninteresting to the toxic person that they eventually get bored with you and lose interest. 

The trick with narcissistic folks is to avoid getting sucked into their drama triangles and the shit storms they regularly stir up. I often do this by sticking to short responses (“oh okay,” “wow,” “yeah fine”), avoiding eye contact as much as possible, sticking to neutral topics, and relaying boring facts (like talking about the weather). 

If you struggle with emotional reactivity, carry an actual smooth stone in your pocket. This can serve to both ground you and remind you that you don’t have to engage with their bullshit – just grey rock baby.

3. Find the “glimmers” of joy in your environment

The two previous methods help set the foundation for dealing with a toxic person while trying to heal and recover yourself. This “glimmers” technique is one I’ve borrowed from complex trauma specialist and polyvagal theory expert, Deb Dana.

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers – they are tiny, fleeting moments that bring you joy, peace, or relaxation. It’s a beautiful way of grounding our nervous systems, which tend to enter fight, flight, or freeze response around toxic people.

Examples of glimmers could be looking out the window and appreciating the beautiful trees outside. Looking at a pretty painting or sculpture in the house. Noticing how the evening sun streams through the front door. Appreciating the warmth of a cup of tea. Enjoying the sound of music playing in the distance. 

All of these ‘glimmers’ of enjoyment remind you that there is joy to be found in this moment, even when confronted with a manipulative predator.

4. Create a physical cue for comforting your inner child

Inner work can happen while being exposed to toxic people. It’s not something you only have to do when alone. Often, challenging experiences have the benefit of ‘stress testing’ our inner work, helping us to quickly learn what works, what doesn’t, and what needs to be tweaked or increased.

One practice I enjoy doing is comforting my inner child right before and during situations with triggering people. What helps me find more inner security and my internal home is placing a hand subtly over my stomach. I do this to reassure my inner child quietly that I’m here, I know this sucks, but you’re not alone in this. 

This simple action reminds my body, nervous system, and psyche that (1) I’m not a child, I  can stay in my adult self, (2) I have my own inner support and care, and (3) the situation is indeed tough – having that internally validated is extremely important because offer we suffer alone without truly seeing ourselves in our own pain. 

So find some kind of subtle physical cue that feels warm, comforting, and safe, such as placing a hand over your stomach, crossing one arm over your chest, rubbing your legs, squeezing your arms, and so on. This will help to ground you, validate the experience, and remind you that you’re an adult, not a child in this circumstance (because it’s easy to be made to feel small and helpless by toxic people).

5. Spend quality time alone and with those outside the person 

If you have others outside of the toxic person whom you feel safe with (children, friends, colleagues), spend time with them. Remind yourself that not everyone is manipulative, malevolent, and selfish.

If you don’t have anyone close, spend time in nature. Go to the public library and be around mostly “normal” people in a calming environment. Cuddle a pet. Do things you enjoy doing alone. Keep asserting your right to exist without that person in ways that feel relaxing and fun. 

6. Heal in nature, find your soul mirrored back to you there

We are not separate from nature. We are nature. On the deepest level, we are life itself. There’s a reason why we feel so regulated, grounded, and connected in nature, and that’s because, in the words of eco-depth psychologist Bill Plotkin, 

“Your soul is part of the soul of the world.” 

So spend time gardening. Sit underneath trees. Go hiking. Sit on your porch and watch the sky and clouds. Grow flowers and nurture life. Soul recovery comes easily and effortlessly when we’re in the embrace of Mother Nature.

7. Making time to listen and connect with your soul each day as a habit and spiritual practice

Toxic people have a menacing way of overshadowing our lives. Their chaos, drama, and manipulations can overtake our entire reality if we aren’t careful. That’s why it’s so crucial to take back the power and reconnect with our inner selves each and every day.

Whether you do this via meditation, heart-centered prayer, visualization, journaling, or any other method is up to you. You have the power to choose and listen to what calls your heart. So make it a daily habit, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes. Rebel internally and keep connecting to your Inner Light.

Other honorary mentions:

• Learn as many grounding techniques as you can
• Learn as many energy-clearing techniques as you can
• Focus on nervous system regulation as a foundation for all your inner work
• Find/create your “spirit family” of helpers (you could think of this archetypally or as actual spiritual entities, depending on what level of woo you are)
• Process and express your rage as often as you can through catharsis, art, etc.
• Stay as connected to your heart (the doorway to your soul) as you can

I shared 40+ tiny ways of reconnecting with the soul in my post “Soul Recovery: The Art of Building a Healing Nest For Yourself” if you’re interested in some more healing ideas.

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Obviously, there are many more aspects of this complicated topic I could explore. But I’ve done my best to share the essentials and what has helped me in these stressful situations.

I hope you’ve found this article helpful and it offers you a light if you’ve been drowning in the darkness.

Tell me, how do you stay connected to yourself in the midst of toxic people? I’d love to hear in the comments! You never know who you may help.