Self-Belonging as an Act of Defiance

“Moyers: Do you belong anywhere?

Angelou: I haven’t yet.

Moyers: Do you belong to anyone?

Angelou: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much.” 

– Interview between Bill Moyers & Maya Angelou (1973)

We are so concerned as a species with fitting in with and belonging to others. With groups, organizations, movements, and collectives.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a primal human desire to be held in high regard and accepted by those around us.

But the problem with craving for nothing but external belonging is that it’s always sourced outside of ourselves. And as we know from the mystics and philosophers of centuries past, everything external can be stripped away from us at a moment’s notice. 

That’s the beauty and power of self-belonging: it’s a lifelong relationship we cultivate with ourselves, first and foremost. It can’t be bought, sold, given, bargained for, or taken away. 

No priest can bless you with it, no self-appointed guru can transmit it to you, and no person of any status or authority can manipulate it in any way.

Because the reality is that true self-belonging is an act of defiance. It is deliberately an internal process – one far away from the noise, manipulations, and opinions of the outside world. That is the beauty of inner work.

I would say it’s a big cosmic middle finger to all the BS out there that tries to convince us that we’re “not good enough.” But it’s not even that. 

Self-belonging is defiant in the way a wolf or a tiger is indifferent to the squawking birds in close proximity. They’re just there, and they’re of no consequence.

Self-belonging says I am my own sovereign being. I belong to myself, am loyal to myself, and enjoy my own company. How I feel about myself isn’t based on you, but on my own hard-won insight about my true value.

You can tell that someone has done their self-belonging work (which all starts with self-love) with the kind of energy they bring – their presence. People who belong to themselves don’t loudly proclaim themselves as right. They don’t have inferiority complexes. They’re not egotistical, slimy, or flaky. They’re not out to convince, convert, command, or condemn. 

People who belong to themselves carry an exquisite quality of quiet groundedness. There is a solidity to them, a lack of pretense, a down-to-earth beauty to them. 

They are honest without wielding the truth as a self-righteous sword, gentle without being weak or watery, and compassionate without being martyrs.

Someone who embodies self-belonging, above all, knows that they are enough. In all their weirdness, flawedness, ugliness, awkwardness – underneath it all, they are whole beings. Their authentic Self (with a capital ‘S’) doesn’t need anything added or taken away from them.

Like the sun, trees, or ocean, they are complete.

***

I hope you enjoyed my musings. If you want to begin learning the art of self-belonging, begin with the art of learning self-love. It sounds sugary and sweet, but it’s actually one of the most genuinely transformative paths I’ve ever walked (from someone who used to hate themselves to now treasures themselves as their own best friend). 

Tell me, what does a person who belongs to themselves look like to you? Share in the comments, I read every one. ;)