This article is part of the Belonging hub, a single thread within the broader practice of inner work.
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“Moyers: Do you belong anywhere?
Angelou: I haven’t yet.
Moyers: Do you belong to anyone?
Angelou: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much.”
– Interview between Bill Moyers & Maya Angelou (1973)
We are so concerned as a species with fitting in and finding a sense of belonging with others. With groups, organizations, movements, and collectives.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a primal human desire to be held in high regard and accepted by those around us.
But the problem with craving for nothing but external belonging is that it’s always sourced outside of ourselves. And as we know from the mystics and philosophers of centuries past, everything external can be stripped away from us at a moment’s notice.
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That’s the beauty and power of self-belonging: it’s a lifelong relationship we cultivate with ourselves, first and foremost. It can’t be bought, sold, given, bargained for, or taken away.
No priest can bless you with it, no self-appointed guru can transmit it to you, and no person of any status or authority can manipulate it in any way.
Because the reality is that true self-belonging is an act of defiance. It is deliberately an internal process – one far away from the noise, manipulations, and opinions of the outside world. That is the beauty of inner work.
I would say it’s a big cosmic middle finger to all the BS out there that tries to convince us that we’re “not good enough.” But it’s not even that.
Self-belonging is defiant in the way a wolf or a tiger is indifferent to the squawking birds in close proximity. They’re just there, and they’re of no consequence.
Self-belonging says I am my own sovereign being. I belong to myself, am loyal to myself, and enjoy my own company. How I feel about myself isn’t based on you, but on my own hard-won insight about my true value.
You can tell that someone has done their self-belonging work (which all starts with self-love) with the kind of energy they bring – their presence. People who belong to themselves don’t loudly proclaim themselves as right. They don’t have inferiority complexes. They’re not egotistical, slimy, or flaky. They’re not out to convince, convert, command, or condemn.
People who belong to themselves carry an exquisite quality of quiet groundedness. There is a solidity to them, a lack of pretense, a down-to-earth beauty to them.
They are honest without wielding the truth as a self-righteous sword, gentle without being weak or watery, and compassionate without being martyrs.
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Someone who embodies self-belonging, above all, knows that they are enough. In all their weirdness, flawedness, ugliness, awkwardness – underneath it all, they are whole beings. Their authentic Self (with a capital ‘S’) doesn’t need anything added or taken away from them.
Like the sun, trees, or ocean, they are complete.
***
I hope you enjoyed my musings. If you want to begin learning the art of self-belonging, begin with the art of learning self-love. It sounds sugary and sweet, but it’s actually one of the most genuinely transformative paths I’ve ever walked (from someone who used to hate themselves to now treasures themselves as their own best friend).
Tell me, what does a person who belongs to themselves look like to you? Share in the comments, I read every one. ;)
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In answer to your question someone who doesn’t have to surround themselves with a story when interacting with others?. Their beingness is enough. Also someone who knows themselves so well that other people can’t ‘rattle’ them! ( I live in hope! ) .
I was turned to “Eternal Echoes” by John O’Donohue, because of something I recently read in one of your newsletters. I don’t remember exactly what the quote was bit it hit me at a soul level, so I bought the book.
I’m going to share a bit from that book that hut hime for me. This is from the section, “The Wander”.
Firstly, “the wanderer is one who gives priority to the duties of longing over belonging”. What came up for me after reading this passage is that, this is how I’ve lived my life. My longing took me out into the world to look for a sense of belonging, only to bring me back into myself after many years of meandering through the vast landscapes of life. Self-belonging is what revealed itself to me. With this new found awareness of being, a weight has been lifted. Feeling lighter and more free just to be me and that is enough. Coming back home to the unchanging eternal Self. No where to go, nothing to do, just be is the whisper of the still small voice within.
Lastly from the Eternal Echoes, ” The soul is full of wanderlust. When we suppress the longing to wander in the inner landscapes, something dies within us. The soul and the spirit are wanderers; their place of origin and destination remain unknown; they are dedicated to the discovery of what is unknown and strange”.
I feel I’ve been fighting this inner knowing for most of my life. My passion for wandering through this human condition out weighs my desire to belong. What I feel is that when we come back to this place of self-belonging you speak of, we realize that we have always belonged right where are own two feet are at any given moment in space and time.
We don’t have to do or be anything, we all are enough to belong in the great tapestry of life. How could we not, we’re all made of the same substance.
Much love and gratitude.
Peace ❤️🙏
Wonderful article just at the divine time I needed it most. Thank you.
Thank you Ayse 💜
💙
yes – I love this term. Self sovereignty and belonging is the most resilient place! An infinite inner resource. it’s something I’ve spent this year embodying after being under considerable spiritual pressure. thanks for sharing.
This is inspiring, Rohan. And if you ever see this or get the chance, I’d love to hear how you cultivate that (I’m always learning new approaches). ;)
That was so lovely and exactly what I needed to read. I don’t comment often enough but I so appreciate your beautiful spirit and your wonderful writing, which somehow always resonates. So glad you are here on this Earth and doing what you do. x
What a beautiful comment and compliment, Anna. Thank you for being here and sharing this 💜
This hit me like a train!
I was constantly told as a kid that “Children should be seen & not heard”…
Looking back, that made me rebel & be defiant.
I got into live music rock, blues, rock & roll) & it gave me that high feeling when you see the audience jumping up & down enjoying it all.
Life got in the way, but still there was a huge music shaped hole left unfilled. It was an itch I had to scratch, the feeling was so strong. I left music very reluctantly but as I’ve said before, she never let go my hand.
I’m back now – starting up again with live music & the engine’s revving like a formula 1!
Getting back to your point, I never understood in my earlier life why I could walk in a room & literally everyone would look at me, then want to talk. I’d say to my partner ‘have I sprouted 2 heads or something?!’
Cue your article, guess I always owned myself but never realised till now! Thank you!
Keep rocking!🤘
I’m so glad you’re following your deeper calling now, Charlie. Rock on! 🤘
It may sound repetitive to say it, but I cannot help doing so once more: marvelous, you were truly inspired — in spirit! And what a powerful dialogue in the opening, huh? Look, it wasn’t a long text nor filled with scattered quotations, but you literally wrote with the soul, or, better said, with the Self. It is a blessing, not in the religious sense, but in the spiritual one, how you manage to put into words what I thought only I perceived in myself and in my observations about the world, which, however, I rarely see in many authors, even those I like the most. Well, praises aside, this idea of self-belonging describes exactly what I see as the most precise, or closest, so to speak, description of how I perceive the Self. Even reading Carl Jung and some other authors, it seems that many connote the Self as something rather idealized or with complex concepts, which often make it seem like something you will pursue indefinitely, always believing you are on the path, but which, in fact, is not fully within you. Yes, being yourself, and here I mean Being in the sense not of completely undoing who you are, including your ego and persona, almost like a Buddhist state or enlightenment, or a divinity, but rather of being able to embrace even the darkest of your imperfections. Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No. Even if it is painful to face criticism, rejection, unsolicited advice, being labeled with all sorts of names, embracing who one Is in essence — which does not mean becoming hardened — this feeling of sovereignty over oneself — yes, over oneself, without imposing anything on others — is something few are able to achieve, not because they are chosen or anything like that, but because it requires courage. It is not about despising others, far from it; rather, it is the ability to say to oneself and to the world: “I participate in the whole, but I do not feel bad in its absence or in the absence of its parts.” We are relational beings, but I believe there is an overrated definition in the idea of socialization, on the part of Psychology, which often sounds superficial and artificial. In fact, I see people saying that this idea of self-sovereignty is something narcissistic. However, if we deeply analyze the myth of Narcissus, there is no sovereignty of the self there, no living in depth, no acceptance of vulnerabilities; in truth, there is a tacit need for validation of the image, something superficial, not essential. There is passion, not self-love. This idea of self-belonging, on the other hand, is something much more transcendental, a cry of freedom, unconditional acceptance, and consequently, inner peace for something greater than mere social conventions or excessive idealizations.
Thank you, Hans. Your kind words have truly made my day 💜 And I love the differentiation you make between narcissism and self-belonging. There is a warmth and closeness to self-belonging that isn’t there with discussion of the Higher Self (what you point out about it being idealized is so true). I believe it’s about time that we notice how immanent, not just transcendent, the Deeper Self is.
These are fascinating points I will reflect on more!