Emotional Abuse: The Quiet Killer

My father has done about 10 things on this list to me ever since I was a child and it’s never stopped. I’m 32 still living at home with no career. The effects have been utterly devistating to me. It resulted in me being sexually molested at a young age due to my inadequate self esteem. I’ve never really had any friends. I’ve never had a girlfriend that I actually wanted or was attracted to in the slightest. I am hopelessly addicted to nicotine, caffeine, marijuana, alcohol, and I would probably take anything honestly. I have not saved a penny in over 10 years. My physical health is failing and I will not last much longer. Then he will have succeeded in what he has been working on- to kill me. I have firmly established that he is a terrible person and that he hates me. It has culminated in today me finally telling him that I hate him and it’s over. Death will come for everyone.. and some people have mostly suffering their entire lives.

Thank you for your articles; they are thoughtful and I can see and feel your sincerity. I grew up in the Mormon faith and see that many unhealthy patterns of thinking and self-doubt still exist. I’ve always deferred to the leaders for truth; I was never right if they were right. I just left a very emotionally abusive relationship. The woman accused me of cheating for texting female friends and colleagues. She would turn on a dime as far as moods and anger. Being fine one minute and then angry and accusing me the next. I felt constantly attacked and was blamed for her anger. After 7 months of this pattern of behavior, I could no longer stand it. I told her off and let out all my pent-up anger toward her for constantly blaming me for her insecurity. When she would leave my home and go to her home in a different state, we would both start talking with other people. Here’s the difference – it was justified by her, and I was the one who had ‘many women’ in my life. She would do the same things and I was to blame. My esteem to a huge dive and I have to admit that I’m feeling very low. Finally, it was all my fault and she abandoned me, not even telling me, just removing all her remaining cloths from my house without telling me her motives of never seeing me again. I believe she was borderline personality. She was the most controlling woman in my life, ever. I knew I should have left her 6 months ago, but she had a very sweet side to her. I feel a deep sense of being used, betrayed, and worthless because of being with this woman. She also left another man, prior to me, and told everyone he was abusive. She manipulated my emotions and used me. I know I need to heal. I tried to help her with her depression, get her life together, and she would tell me how much she loved me but turn on me the minute her insecurities screamed that I was cheating (I wasn’t – just talking to females I know). I felt like a child. She wanted to check my phone, social media, and I was always the one wrong. She never saw her side. I am guilty of getting extremely angry and telling her off about her inequality of rules. She messed with my head by telling me she loved me, wanted to spend New Year’s eve. together, and then had no intention of doing so (she took all her belongings). My head is rattled; I blame myself for my angry venting of her double standards (i.e., it was ok for her to talk to ex boyfriends; but I was cheating if I talked to a woman). She attempted suicide or had ideations on more than one occasion.

I’ve been estranged from both of my parents now for over one year. I only just turned 21. My relationship with my father was always toxic and I knew that; my mother, though, came as a complete surprise. It was like all at once I realized her own toxicity and control over me. I dismissed it all before as my mother just being a mother…protective, over-bearing, intrusive, stubborn. But then everything changed. I saw her standing outside my bedroom door when I spoke on the phone, listening in on my conversations. I suddenly felt the invasion of her insisting I leave my bedroom and bathroom door unlocked at all times, often coming in while I was changing or completely naked. I realized she never let me drive not because she just wanted to do my a favor, but because she didn’t want me learning how to do it on my own (I didn’t actually learn how to drive until I was 19 after I separated from her). I thought her encouragement in school was because she wanted me to succeed, but soon I felt that she only showed me affection when I did something academically spectacular like a show pony. I felt like she grew increasingly jealous of my boyfriends…I never understood why. Then things all just hit a breaking point. She went insane. Started accusing me of doing drugs, stealing from her, etc. Started taking my phone for long periods of time and not letting me have contact with anyone. Which might be an acceptable if you’re a teen, but I was in college…and oh yeah, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I was literally the most goofy two shoes kid ever. She verbally berated me every day. It got to where I wouldn’t even leave my room. I had dishes piled up by the door because I knew I’d I went outside she would start attacking me again. I became depressed, and she yelled at me for that, too, because she said I was “only acting like that” because I knew it would hurt her. It went on and on and on…until I snuck away and got a dorm in college. Things just fell apart after that. She started following me around on campus, into my school buildings to “talk” to me. She kept putting things on my car and trying to find me. I was afraid of her. One day I just cut it all off, and I haven’t spoken to her since. Everyone tells me I should be over it by now and just go home to my “mommy” because she “misses” me. I just can’t. With the holidays getting closer, I feel so confused like I SHOULD go back to her because she’s my mother. But I just remember what she did to me (and what I’ve listed is the PG stuff…it was so much worse…). I appreciate reading stories like this online, from people who are also estranged from their parents so I know I’m not crazy for doing this. It makes me feel less alone.

Thank you so much for explaining what I could not put into words that happened to me. I wish you eternal happiness. My father never called me a whore but it was passively implied. My mom was cold and distant and didn’t see any problems. At 16 they sent me to therapy because OF COURSE I WAS THE FAMILY PROBLEM. I couldn’t put into words to the therapist the exact problem. I’m 50 yrs old now. I hope younger people get help sooner.