You feel trapped, constricted, stuck, disconnected … You want to be your authentic self, but you don’t know how. You want to connect more with others, but you can’t seem to.
Maybe it’s just that you don’t feel safe. Maybe you still have a bunch of unresolved childhood trauma to process. Or maybe you don’t know what your authentic self would even look like if it danced in front of your face wearing a pink sparkly tutu.
Whatever the case, you desperately want to show up as the most grounded, centered, and real version of you as possible. But it’s just too hard. There always seems to be inner baggage you’re carrying that gets in the way.
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And the result is that you continue feeling disconnected and isolated from yourself, others, and yes, life as a whole. You don’t feel truly seen.
Can you relate to any of this?
If you can, chances are the problem isn’t a conscious issue, but an unconscious one.
Like a thorn buried in your side, this pattern is lodged in your psyche and through time it can cause you increasing pain until, one day, the desperation to find freedom may reach breaking point.
This unconscious pattern is what I call a false identity script, and it originates from the core wound.
Table of contents
What is a False Identity Script? (Plus My Own Experience)
A false identity script is essentially a role we play to be liked and accepted by those around us. Like an actor in a movie who memorizes her lines, the false identity script dictates what we can and can’t say, do, and be.
While this artificial role feels comforting on one level because we’re conditioned to derive self-worth from it growing up, it also becomes increasingly restrictive, isolating, frustrating, and lonely.
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In his book Healing the Child Within, physician, psychotherapist, and author Charles L. Whitfield describes how the false identity script (“false self”) is created:
“When our alive True Self goes into hiding, in order to please its parent figures and to survive, a false, co-dependent self emerges to take its place. We thus lose our awareness of our True Self to such an extent that we actually lose awareness of its existence. We lose contact with who we really are. Gradually, we begin to think we are that false self—so that it becomes a habit, and finally an addiction.”
In the field of psychosynthesis, the false identity script is another way of saying the survival personality, that is, the artificial personality that developed in order to survive early childhood primal wounding.
As a result of my own core primal wound of feeling unseen due to being exposed to religious fundamentalist indoctrination growing up, my ego developed a few false unconscious identity scripts through the years as a self-protection mechanism.
I’ve played the “good girl” role, the “bad girl” role, the perfectionist, and also the victim. Some of these roles co-existed, like the good girl and perfectionist roles. But all of them were leeches of my sanity and overall well-being.
7 Types of False Identity Scripts Hidden in Your Subconscious
I find that using the psychospiritual imagery of the tarot is helpful in illustrating and illuminating the various false identity scripts hidden in our subconscious. So that’s what I’m going to do below.
By the way, I’m curious:
Please note that the roles below are initially authentic parts of us in the sense that they each have a real, valuable function. But they’re not the whole of us. When they become the whole of us, they become inauthentic because they cannot encapsulate the entirety of who we are, and therefore, they become false identity scripts we live through.
Pay close attention to which you resonate with the most (all cards are from the Starlight Illuminated Tarot by Carol Herzer, by the way):
1. The Golden Child / Good Girl or Boy / Saint
“To be worthy, I must be perfect.”
Externally, the Golden Child seems to be able to do no wrong. The sun seems to shine eternally down on them. They are #blessed and like to make others believe that they have it all figured out and are living their best life. Others will think and talk about the Golden Child fondly, admiring their achievements, their contribution to society and the family, and their ever-giving nature.
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Internally, the Golden Child often feels immense pressure and stress to live up to the image of being “perfect” and “good.” They may suffer from low self-worth, deriving it from what others think of them, and anxiety from perfectionistic tendencies.
2. The Black Sheep / Bad Girl or Boy / Sinner
“To be worthy, I must be the rebel.”
The Black Sheep is the opposite of the Golden Child – they can’t seem to do anything right. Often, they are scapegoated in family dynamics and seen as being the weirdo outsider who makes trouble. Often, the Black Sheep finds themselves in the uncomfortable position of being the dislikable truth teller, the one that points out the hypocrisy and sometimes even acts out the shadows of their family or workplace environments. Paradoxically, being the disliked/rebellious one also gives the Black Sheep a level of freedom, identity, and power.
Internally, the Black Sheep often carries a wounded inner child who feels unseen, unloved, and misunderstood. They may deal with depression, anxiety, and addictive tendencies as a way of numbing and coping with a sense of inner and outer rejection.
3. The Rescuer / Savior / Sacrificer
“To be worthy, I must sacrifice myself.”
The Rescuer is related to the Golden Child, but with the distinction that they are heavily relied upon to fix, save, and rescue others from their issues. In social dynamics where others are immature, chaotic, and lack personal responsibility, the Rescuer is called upon to sacrifice their needs and save others, thus abandoning themselves in the process. The Rescuer is celebrated and admired for their martyrdom, giving them a sense of unhealthy and conditional self-worth.
Internally, the Rescuer feels exhausted, overwhelmed, and sometimes resentful towards those who call upon them to save them from the very problems they should have fixed themselves. The Rescuer may also feel a sense of inner emptiness, not knowing who they truly are, because they have lived their lives in a self-sacrificing mode for others.
4. The Fool / The Comic Relief
“To be worthy, I must entertain others.”
The Fool is the person who has been conditioned to gain self-worth solely from how much they can entertain others and lighten the mood. While being the comic relief can be an enjoyable and valuable role to play, when it’s the only method by which they can gain attention or validation, it becomes stifling and oppressive.
Internally, the Fool may feel a sense of loneliness due to not being truly seen beyond the limited role they play (ever heard the expression “sad clown”?). The Fool may also struggle to access more serious feelings like anger and grief, leading to a disconnection from self and repression of their emotions. This repression can lead to increased levels of anxiety and depression.
5. The Overachiever / Workaholic
“To be worthy, I must do and achieve great things.”
The Overachiever or Workaholic has been conditioned to gain their worth from how much they can do, rather than who they innately are. This false identity script is typically celebrated and normalized in society, leading to generations of people who don’t know who they are outside of their work.
Internally, the Overachiever often struggles with burnout, emotional numbness, disconnection from the body, and feelings of isolation. Working so much has the dual benefit of firstly repressing uncomfortable feelings and secondly gaining validation from others. This is the person who wears the “I’m so busy” label as a badge of honor.
6. The Victim
“To be worthy, I must be helpless.”
The Victim is a role many of us are familiar with, especially if we’ve experienced trauma of any kind. But while it’s important to acknowledge our victimhood, when we adopt the Victim as our entire identity, we lose touch with our inner power, self-sovereignty, and ability to heal and change.
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Internally, the Victim feels isolated, alone, misunderstood, helpless, and at times hopeless, as if nothing will ever be okay again. This false identity script is immensely draining, both for the person stuck in the Victim identity and those around them.
7. The Stoic / Strong One
“To be worthy, I must be strong all the time.”
The Stoic has been conditioned to play the “silent and strong” role – to uphold unstable and chaotic family systems and workplace situations so that things (and apparently others) don’t collapse. This false identity script often develops in unsafe environments where showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness and is mocked, ignored, or even punished.
Internally, behind the calm facade, the Stoic carries an immense load of unprocessed and unexpressed feelings that are repressed in the mind and body. Feelings of stress, loneliness, and anger seethe beneath the “together” exterior of the Stoic, and sometimes, they can erupt in fits of rage or self-sabotage.
How to Break the Invisible Script That’s Controlling Your Life
To varying degrees, we all adopt false identity scripts. But we don’t have to live our lives controlled by them.
If you want to break free, here are some of my suggestions:
1. Practice emotional processing – the SOAR technique
In the empath book I’ve co-authored, I explore a helpful technique for processing your emotions called SOAR.
It stands for: Stop, Observe, Allow, and Rest.
Learning to feel your feelings is important because, without knowing how you authentically feel, you can easily stay trapped in one of these false identity scripts.
For instance, if the Workaholic is your main role, you may internally feel tired and upset, but you may be suppressing these feelings with all the work you’re doing. This suppression causes the feelings to build and eventually explode, creating tremendous pain in your life.
To practice emotional processing, we begin by stopping. Take a moment to be here now. Then we observe how we’re feeling, both in our body and in our mind.
Next, we allow these feelings – we’re not wanting to change them, because doing so isn’t authentically holding space for them from a place of love.
Finally, we rest. We relax. We acknowledge what’s here and just let it be. You’ll notice that by simply meeting and befriending your feelings, often the edge and tension they contain begin to fade.
Try this a few times and see what happens for you! Here’s a YouTube playlist we both created ages ago with some guided instruction if you need help.
2. Ask these questions (+ a card spread)
Reflective journaling is a powerful way of getting to know yourself from the inside out. Start with these questions:
- What expectations did my parents or caretakers have for me that I tried to meet by adopting a limiting role?
- If my false identity self could speak, what would it tell me?
- What parts of myself do I only express when I feel safe?
- How has my false identity protected me? How has it hurt me?
- How would life change if I released this false identity script?
- What is one tiny rebellious action I can do today to reclaim the other parts of my inner self?
If you use tarot or oracle cards, here’s a reflective card spread you can use:
- What false identity script am I currently living from?
- Where did this identity come from?
- What keeps me attached to this script in the present?
- What part is being suppressed and denied expression?
- What step can I take right now to begin releasing this false identity script?
3. Reparenting your inner child
Learning how to meet, befriend, and heal your wounded inner child is at the root of learning to release false identity scripts.
I recommend starting a daily practice of meeting your inner child via meditation, journaling, or mirror work.
To go deeper, here are some guides and resources I’ve created for you:
- Inner Child Test: What Are They Trying to Tell You?
- Inner Child Work: 5 Ways to Heal Deep-Rooted Trauma
- Inner Child Healing Affirmations Meditation (For Healing Trauma)
For full-spectrum healing, I recommend the Inner Work Journal Bundle.
***
False identity scripts can cause us to feel exhausted, overwhelmed, isolated, and burdened to the point of breakdown if we don’t learn how to release them.
By learning how to meet, befriend, feel, and release the buried emotions and regain access to your inner Self, you can live from more of a place of wholeness, rather than via a small, constricted role.
I hope this guide has helped you find more clarity. If it has, I welcome you to share it with someone you think it may help or save it to return to later.
Tell me, which of these false identity scripts do you relate to the most? Have I missed any? If you’ve worked with any of them, let me know what has helped you below in the comments.
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Hi, this information is so helpful and life saving. Can you please share more.? Also which books to refer to
What would you like me to share more about, Sadaf? “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw is a great place to start (it’s indirect, but it deals with the topic of role playing excellently).
Thanks for this post. I got all of them. I literally live as a bunch of archetypes instead of as a huma. This was a great article but the work is so hard. Unlearning it all is really tough…
It is really tough. You’re not alone though, L 💜
Like yourself I was raised as a Christian fundamentalist; Protestant in my case. Which means I was started life with an utterly false self image, one of being a fallen and flawed human being that deserved an eternity in hell. A fate I could escape only by worshiping the one and only “true” god in the Church prescribed manor. I managed to shed that self image several decades ago after a long, difficult, and lonely inner journey. And I never really replaced it with a different self image. I started looking outward rather than inward, eventually realizing I am both part and parcel of the entire universe as it continues to evolve while, at the same time, being just a tiny and not a particularly important part of that whole. A paradox of being both an infinitely large and timeless entity and a tiny, short lived spark in the night. I have since come to understand that wisdom and understanding is almost always hidden in paradox, making it very hard to articulate. As a result I suspect that whatever self image I might have is inaccurate to the point of being misleading and burdensome. So I don’t bother. I don’t think of myself of being either a fighter or a peace maker, student or teacher. Each is appropriate or inappropriate depending on the moment. Something that is true of all of our self images. Most importantly, any “self image” I accept that comes from another person voicing their opinion of me is really likely to be misleading and burdensome. They are likely wrong about their own self image, something I think is true of every religious person on the planet. So what are the chances they are right about their image of me? There are those, very few, whose opinion I take seriously, whose understanding of me is likely better than my understanding of me. They are, inevitably, those who know me well and have known me for a long time. But that number is single digit small and they are all, in my opinion, far better and wiser me. And, just to be fair, one or two of them are religious people. Another one of those paradoxes.
Thanks for this nuanced reflection, Tj. What you say about wisdom being paradoxical is something I’ve discovered as well — it transcends logic and the mind, which I think is the point. Truth can’t be found in thought. That’s what makes this topic so multi-layered and meaningful — self is, after all, is a thought-construction, something the nondual traditions talk a lot about. I digress. Thank you for sharing here :)
Thank you. I really resonated with this information. I found that I identified with 3 false identities.. First the black sheep in my adolescence, as a response to my childhood trauma, not being heard, constantly shit down & not allowed to express emotions.
This then rolled into the Stoic (suppressing my feelings/emotions, as well as not showing them to others), people thinking I’m this strong person.. And the Rescuer (more in my 30’s/40”s), where everyone would gravitate to me to fix their problems, which hit me a couple years ago, leaving me absolutely exhausted & overwhelmed.
These are very interesting to read.. it’s given me a different perspective on my journey of healing (which I continually work on)
Thank you ☺️
The patterns you describe mirror very closely what I’ve experienced, Simone. I appreciate you sharing how these roles have evolved for you — it helps me to do the same on my own path. Brilliantly insightful, thank you!
This seems to be a pretty much common path as I’m finding out. I can also relate to it and I also believe there could be a similar reason for this to be happening over and over again. As I’d been growing up, I got emotionally wounded by many many people in my life at that point. That’s why I turned my attention inwards and started creating an image of a world full of suffering and cruelty. So I started defying this world, stopped talking to almost everyone (my classmates, my parents etc.) and suffered from a long term life hopelessness. As I got older, I realised this is not the way I want to continue living my life and that I HAVE to heal. That’s when my stoic and workahopic role came in. I don’t know exactly how it happened but I somehow felt guilty for not being good enough for my parents so instead of actually starting to heal I started faking the “I’m okay with everything” personality. It was probably because life got even harder at that point than it was before. I started attending high school which is a lot more demanding than primary school here. I saw the majority of my classmates had so much more freedom in their life than I had. So I started fighting for myself against my parents, trying to survive their neverending demands for how I should behave and also the school. I never really had a time to stop and breathe. I think that’s what turned into the workaholic behavior – because I was never really given the choice between my freedom and their demands. I had to do both because I wanted the freedom but was never able to break free from the guilt.
Right now I’m breaking free from all of the toxic shit that had been happening in the past but I’m still struggling with the workaholic and stoic role. Because even in the healing process you can always try to do too much or repress emotions because of the fear of not being strong enough to do the choices that are good for you. I’m currently facing the lie of the strong Tery and realising I don’t have to be like that because I’m moving to a safer place.
As the oldest of four siblings with an abusive alcoholic stepfather, and a mother trying to pick up the debris field, I was often thrown into the role of taking care of the other 3. I put myself in two false identity scripts; the savior, rescuer, and, the stoic, strong one. Still working through inner child and core wound stuff. Hoping I can drop the false identity pieces down the road. I find much guidance from your relatable articles and turn to Loner Wolf often! Thank you!
You highlight something important, Kathleen: these false scripts aren’t our fault. We adopt them due to painful life situations that demand that we put on a role in order to survive. May your inner child find the love and healing she needs from you. Thank you for your vulnerability 💜
Thank you. I deeply appreciate this article. I found almost all of those roles mentioned to be applicable to me. I am a childhood trauma survivor, had more exposure to violence and war and psychological trauma in mid life and now in my later years I’m learning so much about myself. Thank you most sincerely for this opportunity to learn, grow and understand myself better
Thank you sincerely for opening up here, Elizabeth. Lots of love to you 💜
Thank you for writing this and sharing it. It was immediately obvious that I was the Golden Child/ Good Boy/Saint according to my mother. I was born on the day of The Feast of the Archangels (September 29) and I had a birthmark in the shape of an Angel. At the same time, I was a failure and disappointment according to my Father. Being the first born, he expected me to be perfect. Though I tried, I was not perfect. At one point in my life (17 years old), he placed a 100 dollar bill on the kitchen table and told me to get out and never return. I always felt responsible for the fights/disagreements that my parents had with each other. When I graduated from college and became a high school mathematics and science teacher, I adopted the Overachiever/Workaholic personality and to my colleagues and superiors, I was the Golden person. I never learned how to say no. After 45 years of teaching, I was exhausted and retired. Shortly thereafter, my wife divorced me because once again, I was not the perfect husband or father. It was depressing to go through life feeling like I never took care of myself and that I was a loser. At the age of 72, I am now a lone wolf. There is a lot of loneliness in my life but it is balanced by being free to live the life that lives inside me– a very simple life.
I appreciate your vulnerability, Donald. Thank you for taking the time to share this. Releasing these false roles can be disruptive – using tarot language, it’s like the Tower card being hit by lightning. But clearing it all away brings about such refreshing freedom. May you find a way to befriend and transmute some of that loneliness.
Wow, this article came right on time!!! I’m currently working on reprogramming my subconscious with healthy positive beliefs, and I’m encountering a few uncomfortable situations where my false identity is coming to surface and I have to sit with the emotions that rise and allow myself to feel the discomfort; because I understand that it’s coming from a false self and needs to be released. So this article was extremely helpful. It helped me realize that I have been ascribing to many false identities (golden child, savior, workaholic). I definitely feel more compassion for myself and my subconscious – cause sheesh she has been carrying a lot. I am excited to relieve myself of the pressure and stress. Thank you for this article and the journal prompts!!! I truly appreciate it 😄
I love that you’re compassionately doing this work, Renee. That’s the most healing approach!
While the subdeck of 7 types is a mix of personality I deal with daily, shifting constantly to meet the situational demands. I resonate with all in some way over weeks when I have to be resilient as well as play the victim or rescuer, or escape into a fairy world
I feel the same Hussain. I can see myself in each of these identities as well. Maybe our card would be The Magician. To feel worthy, I must adopt a role. Thanks for sharing.
-Anand
Thanks for sharing this, Hussain. It’s not uncommon to experience all of these false identity scripts at different times. They’re all necessary roles depending on the life circumstances, but it’s when we solely live through them and don’t know how to shed that skin, that the issues arise.