We can learn to be our own best friend. If we do, we have a friend for life. We can buoy ourselves up, give ourselves comfort and sustenance the times when there is no one else. ~ Mildred Newman & Bernard Berkowitz
Every great sage, guru and Spiritual Master has pointed to a great, life-shattering truth: other people, including your wife, husband, partner, friends, parents, siblings, daughter, son, grandchild and grandchildren will never make you happy and whole. Never. EVER.
Your occupation, retirement, hobbies, dreams, aspirations and socio-economic status will also NEVER make you complete. Why? You probably already know the answer, but I will restate it nevertheless. Without first learning how to enjoy, appreciate and respect ourselves, we will never truly be able to enjoy, appreciate and respect the other people and things in our lives.
If we fail to put in the painful and strenuous effort of making peace with our hypocritical, deceptive, weak and sickly selves towards the cultivation of self-love and understanding, we will forever be like everyone else in society: running about like headless chickens trying to gain love, acceptance and validation in an endless futile cycle of chaos, confusion, disappointment and perpetual emptiness.
If you want to stop wasting your life seeking for something you wanted – and had – all along, you need to wake up. You need to realize that becoming your own best friend is not simply a bunch of fluffy, feel-good self-improvement talk, but an actual life and death matter. Sound a tad drastic and dramatic? It is.
If you don’t wake up and truly assimilate the importance of becoming your own best friend, you will continue to suffer dreadfully in life. Without taking charge of your life and becoming your own best friend, you will continue to feel the pain of rejection, the pain of loneliness, the pain of shame, the pain of self-disgust, and the pain of abandonment.
You will continue to unconsciously believe yourself to be terrible, to be unworthy, to be an unlovable person. And as Sol mentioned in his previous article, how can you love another person wholly and truly without first learning how to love yourself? Learning how to become your own best friend is an excellent start.
12 Ways to Be Your Own Best Friend
The longest relationship you will ever have in the history of your life is with yourself. Therefore, it’s up to you to labor over and cultivate the strength and depth of connection you have with yourself. Don’t think it will be easy, however. As psychologists Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz explain in their book “How To Be Your Own Best Friend“:
When you decide to take care of yourself, to take charge of yourself, there is still a big job ahead. It takes thought and effort to shake free of bad habits. A part of you may well be quite indignant at the changes you’re trying to make. That part of you that is quite comfortable in the old ways and has no desire to see things or do things differently can put up quite a fight.
We cling to what is most comfortable to us, even if that means perpetuating our own self-destructive cycles of misery and pain. Be aware of this: you must possess courage, determination, will power and persistence in order to break old habits and firmly establish new ones. Even something so simple as admitting that you’ve made a mistake in the way you’ve treated yourself can be a large mountain to climb. As Newman and Berkowitz comment:
It’s an awful blow to the ego to feel you’ve made a mistake. That’s why people don’t want to change. It would mean admitting they were wrong.
So even though the following list may seem commonsense and straightforward, I assure you it’s not. If you do decide to adopt these recommendations you will unconsciously – and maybe even consciously – be at war with yourself. The key is to not fight or resist, but to accept. It’s normal to feel a bit weird, or a bit unsettled or uncomfortable when establishing new thoughts, mindsets and behavioral patterns.
1. Praise yourself, rather than waiting for others to do it for you.
As Newman and Berkowitz point out: “when you do something you are proud of, dwell on it a little, praise yourself for it, relish the experience, take it in.”
2. Realize that you are fundamentally worthy.
Most of us equate failures in our lives with us personally being failures. We need to remember that if we outsource our self-worth and self-esteem, we will always wind up feeling like miserable failures. Why? Because the thoughts, opinions, beliefs and expectations that we use as yardsticks to measure our success and worth are outside of our control. They constantly fluctuate and change often causing us to feel like failures because we never cultivated an inner and innate sense of worthiness.
3. Laugh at yourself.
Not in a mocking or self-derisive way, but as a friend would. Be good-natured towards yourself and find humor in the little strange things you say, think and do. When you stop taking yourself so seriously, you open yourself up to more inner harmony and wholeness.
4. Accept, rather than punish yourself.
Does a good friend punish you with an onslaught of verbal criticism for hours? No. A true friend accepts both the good and bad in you without passing vicious judgement. They realize that no one is perfect, and everyone has some kind of monster, whether large or small, within them. Not only is acceptance the healthier option, but it also opens doorways that allow you to solve your problems, rather than wallowing in them.
5. Spend a lot of time discovering more about your character/personality.
What are your deeper drives and motivations, what things do you like and dislike, what are your greatest strengths and weaknesses? Often times people look outside of themselves for the formation of their tastes, ideas, goals and pursuits because they haven’t spent enough time developing a strong sense of self. The more you understand yourself truly, the easier it will be to like and respect yourself for who you are, rather than who you think you are according to external people, trends and circumstances in your life.
6. Cultivate self-awareness.
This is similar to the last point, but differs in that it doesn’t necessarily involve becoming conscious of your personality, but rather your inner workings, e.g. your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, assumptions, motivations, etc. Paying attention to what goes on inside of you is the first step to discovering why you think, feel and behave the way you do, promoting self-understanding; an essential ingredient in any healthy friendship and relationship. And without being aware of who you are and what you do, you will never be able to develop a genuine bond with yourself.
7. Seek out Solitude.
In order to develop a good level of awareness and understanding of yourself, you need time alone, away from the distractions and dramas of the world. Learning to value the restorative powers of Solitude is essential in developing a strong bond with yourself. If you can’t stand being by yourself and enjoying your own company, you will quite simply never be able to be your own best friend.
8. Learn how to support and comfort yourself.
A genuine best friend is supportive and comforting in times of need and distress, often knowing exactly what to day or what to do to make us feel better. When it comes to supporting ourselves on the other hand, we often drown out our pain by indulging in food, sex, gambling and other addictions including self-pity and other self-destructive behaviors. Learning how to face our hurt, instead of escaping from it, is one of the most essential (and most difficult) ways of developing self-love. When we listen to our emotional needs, and open ourselves up to the vulnerability of experiencing shame, anger and grief, we can then take the appropriate steps to help assuage the hurt we feel in a healthy and productive way.
9. Learn how to have fun alone.
When most of us think of enjoying ourselves, we usually equate it with other human contact. Going to the movies, playing sport games, attending interest groups, booking a table at the restaurant … it’s a sad truth that many of us have learnt to enjoy life in the company of others, but not solely in the company of ourselves. Try developing an enjoyable interest that you can pursue alone. Doing so will help to deepen your bond with yourself.
10. Do a random act of kindness for yourself each day.
A nice warm bath, a relaxing hour in the sun, a delicious smoothie … there are many kind things we can treat ourselves to each day. We just need to take the time and put the effort into doing them. Doing so shows love and respect for yourself.
11. Listen to your body.
A true best friend treats you kindly and motivates you to be the best person you can possibly be. The sad truth is: many of us treat our bodies terribly. We neglect them, ignore them, and consistently abuse them, creating a host of physical, emotional and psychological sicknesses. Listen to the needs of your body. If you’re constantly tired, try to sleep more or research sleeping supplements. If you’re fatigued, stop drinking that Red Bull and seek healthier stimulants. If you’re overweight, start reassessing your diet and physical activity level. If you have chronic pain, look exhaustively into possible remedies. All too often we ignore the aches, pains and demands of our bodies, being caught up in the circus of worldly chaos each day instead. When we put the needs of our bodies above the other perceived needs in our lives, we show ourselves immense self-respect, as a best friend would.
12. Learn to focus on positive things about yourself, rather than negative.
This sounds simple – well it’s not. Shifting your focus requires you to essentially reprogram your entire mind – especially if you have the tendency to berate, criticize and put-down yourself every day. You may be thinking “nah, I don’t treat myself that badly”, yet most of the time you are actually unaware of the unconscious dialogue that constantly chatters away in your brain (referred to as “self talk”). In order to treat yourself more kindly by opening yourself to the good things about you, you need to develop a number of strategies. For instance, you could try taking time out of the day (e.g. whenever you wake up or go to sleep), to say nice things to yourself. Sounds cheesy, but it’s a proven way of boosting your self-worth and happiness. Effective self-talk examples could include: “I forgive myself”, “I let go of my past”, “I treat my body well”, “I love being myself”, etc.
The Awakened Empath eBook:
Written for the highly sensitive and empathic people of life, Awakened Empath is a comprehensive map for helping you to develop physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance on every level.
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Becoming your own best friend takes a lot of persistence and effort, but when consistently striving to apply the above recommendations, your life will gradually become happier and wholer. The best thing about becoming your own best friend is that it’s a gift you will have for life, a gift that no one can ever take away from you.
Your thoughts, experiences and recommendations are welcome below!
im so lonely please send advice on how to become my own bestfreiend.
OMG one of the most powerful and insightful articles I have ever read. I never make comments but this just rang a empowering truth. Its exactly what I needed and it confirmed many things I new but was to afraid to face as fact.
Thankyou
Exactly what I need to read right now. Knowing that there are kindred spirits in this world gives me so much hope and energy… thank you!
It takes looooong time for me to befriend myself. Holy moly.
Me and myself is sometimes like two suspicious friends who look at eachother and wonder “why are we really friends?” still knowing that we need eachother so sometimes hug. Then we start a huge fight and both end up hurt. I HAVE SEEN IT BEFORE.
We try to communicate though. One day we will be true friends!
Well, I am ready to fight, I got my head skrewed back on and ready to rumble ;) No more headless chicken chaos for me anymore!
I sometimes give myself a pack on the shoulders when I succeed in something and tell myself ‘well done you’.
I stop myself when thinking negative thougts and replace them with positive ones. I struggle with feeling weak, especially when reading about peoples succes stories, but now I know that somebody elses life is not mine and if somebody is succesfull it does not automatically mean I am not. When these feelings come up, I take a moment, take a breath, think about what I feel and remember myself I am good the way I am and let the feeling go.
Thinking about the good things that happened that day is also a relaxing method, I do it when I go to sleep.
Due to the fact I am a HSP I have always had the need to be on myself. Therefor I have no problem entertaining myself. Fridays I have a day off and my husband goes to work and I have the house all to myself! I love it. Doing excersises, cleaning, drawing, some organizing and then I am all reloaded for the weekend!
Also I take some time in the evenings to pamper myself. Paint my nails, beauty mask on my face and relax.
Maybe these tips will also help others on the path of self love <3
I certainly hope they do Rachel. <3
Wow, such an article really does make it sound easy. I for one find it very difficult to act upon my needs. I have a rather annoyingly nervous tick that I can’t seem to get rid of. I also read a lot of romantic novels and dwell on characters who undergo great misfortune which in turn makes me feel bad about myself. If you feel sorry for people other then yourself would that be an aspect of having a guilty complex?
I just wrote a similar post! :)
https://happycareerista.wordpress.com/2016/04/28/how-to-become-your-own-best-friend/
So true! Very Useful!! :)
Immeasurably!
Hi Aletheia, thank you for your article. It is so true that self-compassion, forgiveness, and stopping self- flagellation changes your perspective of self to a more positive light. Here is a poem I wrote a while back on how it changed my life, to become more authentic and loving of myself, which caused immense feelings of freedom. Tess
Running Free
It feels like a storm but it’s the sun shaded by the clouds of change.
The knowing of something good that’s unraveling,
feeling most unusual in first breath.
Inner joy of freedom from constraints, real or imaged, feeling utter
weightlessness in a world full of strife, but remembering who you
really are, under constant chatter and false beliefs.
Feeling lifted by conversation of truth, feeling warmth and curiosity,
wondering where we’ve met before or possible when we’ll meet again.
Loving despite the distance, feeling the omnipresence of love circulating,
moving in a direction that penetrates the soul, and brings a lightness
of inner connectedness between my hand and yours.
Sweet isolation, opening your mind to self-actualization, and being willing
to have the courage to share your heart with others,
brings tears to my eyes, laughter from my mouth, and song to my ears.
“brings tears to my eyes, laughter from my mouth, and song to my ears” – a very powerful reflection of your inner awakening Tess! Thank you for sharing these words with us!
Hi
I just lost my father 3 months ago over the summer. I am 20 a girl and a junior in college. All my life I’ve been told by spiritual readers that i am very old for my age and i am very mature and i see life differently. And i do, i feel like i am 26 rather than 20. I flip through friends because i feel like I’m choosing friends in the wrong direction. With relationships I’ve attracted men who i feel like I’ve needed to “help” them emotionally. My mothers side of the family is very spiritual, we talk to readers all the time. After my fathers death i am finding it excruciatingly hard to open up to the friends I’ve made who don’t suit my personality. I have 1 great friend in college who i spend a lot of time with. A guy who i was dating before my father died stopped talking to me. I miss intimacy. I have a hard time opening up to others during my grief right now in fear of rejection. I am barely opening myself up to anyone except for my therapist, the school grief counselor, and my friends from back home and my family. How do i learn how to love myself and be my best friend and open up to people? I don’t want to get hurt. I miss being in a relationship, and i feel like a lot of kids my age in college have no idea what i am going through and I’ve limited my friendships to one person who gets me right now because she’s very genuine and i can’t handle fake friendships anymore after my fathers death. How do i open up and be the sweet nice girl that i am to others to show them i need love and help. I am very sad.
You are placing too many expectations on yourself 20yearoldsoul. To truly show love and care for yourself you need to give yourself the gift of time and space. Listen to what your soul needs, your soul is the best guide. You expect and desire yourself to be the same way you were before your father passed away, but life has a way of molding and shaping us. Your needs and wants will evolve and change through time, and at this point in your life it sounds as though what you need is a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, both internally and externally.
Forcing yourself to open up to people might overwhelm you at this point in time, so you need to take your time, and respect your needs.
On the outside people your age look as though they know nothing of what you are experiencing, but this is an assumption you make. It’s important to remember that many people share with you the journey of grief and loss, and while some have completed their journey, others are still walking it silently with you.
But it is good that you are speaking to a counselor, and are in contact with your friends and family. It’s important to keep these connections so as to prevent yourself from getting isolated. It is also good that you are facing your sadness, and feeling it. This is a powerful act on your part, as many people run away from their sadness, and thus prolong it. Face your loss and know that the pain will not last forever, but the memories will. New joys will arise, and you will be able to smile genuinely again.
You speak straightforwardly and with so much wisdom. Thank you for creating this website and all that you do. You have surely helped to change many lives for the better. I am going to use the insight and tools you have given to try to finally turn my life around. Again thank you, you have truly helped me.
Gabrilelle, thank you for your kind comment. It excites me to see such a response to this article, and I’m glad that I can help in some way. It truly is self-fulfilling.
Best wishes! I hope these words can continue to guide you,
-Luna
I’ve spent the better part of my life being highly self-critical, barely acknowledging my successes and dwelling on my perceived failures and shortcomings. Naturally, I’ve sabotaged many relationships and endeavors. I’m in therapy and on meds and they do help me. This was an eye opening article and as difficult a process as it will be, I am going to diligently put these methods into practice. Thank you for the article.
Paul, it’s excellent that you acknowledge these darker traits of your character. Acknowledgement is a big step towards acceptance and self-love. I wish you all the very best in your endeavors, and hope this article continues to help.
-Luna
I love this article. There were times of depression as well as suicidal thoughts that roamed through my mind. It wasn’t until my senior year in highschool that got me thinking, “Do I want misery, or do I want freedom from these dark thoughts of needing someone to make me happy?” And when I said that out loud, it was a wake up call. What is it that Amber really needed? Simple, it was self love. Now that I’m in college, my life has changed tremendously, it was all because I became my own best friend. Sure it was rocky first time around, what friendship isn’t. But I’ve became an even better person than before all thanks to my inner being. For the first time in my life I am free. So yes, this article spoke to me a in many ways and I’ve been visiting you guys’ blog. And I thank you for everything that is posted.♡♡♡♡
Amber, it’s not often that I receive comments from people who have actually accomplished what I write about. Your comment is very encouraging and I thank you for sharing it here. I also like how you mention talking out loud – somehow that seems to solidify and validify what we feel inside. I haven’t given much consideration to this before. Thank you for the new thought!
-Luna
Thank you Aletheia.
You’re most welcome Michael. Thank you for reading!
-Luna
This article is beyond extremely helpful! Self-love is extremely difficult and I am in the middle of it right now. I know it is a constant process and having a few points to start with and refer back to if I become lost, is the most helpful thing!
Thank you for such a wonderful article.
Thank you for such a wonderful comment Ms. Blue. :)
Remember that your quest for self-love may take an entire lifetime. It’s not simply a resolution you can make one day, and complete in a year. This is perhaps one of the hardest things to accept, but being aware of it will help you along your journey.
-Luna
Thank you for this article! I in reevaluating my life and looking for ways to boost my resolve And self worth after falling into depression. I have been “hiding” myself in netflix marathons, binge eating etc to try to dull my feelings. This article is wonderful because it pinpoints the areas where one must strengthen their own self love. Focusing on what I can control and appreciate about myself is a great plan – and what I like about it most is that this acceptance will likely lead to self improvement and steps towards mental/physical/emotional health. :-) bookmarking and printing this!
Betty, this is wonderful to hear! I hope the ideas in this article really do make a long-lasting impact on your life, far beyond the computer screen. :)
All the very best,
-Luna
This was a great list to read. I thought number 5 was something that most people get screwed on. Outside influences play such a big roll, they can be the hardest to break. The acts of external forces can put people in to education/jobs/careers and many people will do them, never feeling right. The world can keep people so busy, they never have time to figure out who they are, or what they really like or don’t like. I’ve known so successful people who were not really happy. They have money, nice things, but they drink a crap load, get divorced, or will just put up with it and some how make it work, but you can tell, they are not really happy. Deep down, they did what they were told to do and what was expected of them, not matter how much it might go against ones personal thoughts or desires. I myself have been in good paying jobs that I hated. The western influence that we should all work hard for money so we can buy things has trapped so many people. Some of the people I’ve known in life have had the nerve to say, the only reason I work so hard is because I have too, but no matter how much money people make or don’t make, many generally end up in the exact same situation. They end up working till 65 so they can retire. Some might live in nicer houses and drive nicer cars, but almost everyone is in the same boat, never questioning why or is it the only way.
This might seem a little off topic, but how can anyone discover who they are if they are kept busy bee workers all day long and the only personal time is over a drink to mask the crappy day one just had?
William, these are my thoughts and queries exactly.
The machine that we live in doesn’t give us the time to discover who we really are, and what we really want in life. Many speculate that this is deliberate: as in, the powers that be in society create such a structure as to prevent people from “waking up”. Imagine if the majority of America for instance, realized that what they really want isn’t a big house or car or social status, but simplicity, connection to nature and peace? Everything would collapse! People would sell their cars and houses and paraphernalia, and down-grade to much smaller and simpler lives. That means working less, the loss of jobs, and the inability to power many of the massive companies and corporations that chew up the most income and possess the most power.
The good news is that slowly and steadily, people are waking up to their empty, meaningless, poisonous lives.
I’ve always thought: instead of getting to know yourself and your needs in retirement, why not reverse the way we live life? Retirement first, then a few years working, then teenage/childhood years before we die?
-Luna
Exactly. I’m one of those people “waking up to their empty, meaningless, poisonous lives.” It is a wonderful feeling~ appreciate your insight.
It sounds a bit airy-fairy and American-style “let’s all love ourselves”. I can’t buy into this, sorry.
This is nothing like American style or culture. The American way is to work many hours, drink light beer, watch sports, buy the flashiest car you can afford, or not really be able to afford, show up your neighbor and the few weeks you do get time to yourself, continue being a consumerist and spend thousands of dollars that you saved up to go to take the family to Disneyland.
The last thing the American corporate culture would want, is for you to think for yourself and try and get to know yourself. You might just realize how much money you have pissed away buying things that don’t make you happy, or on a house that you hate to clean, or a yard you don’t like spending money on to keep green.
William – you nailed it!
Yup, nailed it!
Hello Charis. There is no need to apologize. If you read the article thoroughly you would realize that becoming your own best friend is not a fluffy feel-good task, but a demanding and painful one.
-Luna
I really enjoyed reading this article and I feel like you know what I’m going through thank you and I will work to put these ways into practice.
Kerilyn, that is terrific to hear! I’m delighted that this article could be of some use to you, and I commend you for your motivation to make such an important difference in your life.
All the best in your journey towards self-love,
-Luna