You love them. You hate them. Your heart burns, and your gut churns in their proximity.
Welcome to the world of karmic relationships.
One second, you’re laughing, the next, you’re screaming at each other.
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One minute, you embrace, the next, you swear you could kill them.
And yet, despite the ups and downs, you always seem to get pulled back into the sticky honey-like spider web of your relationship with them.
We all experience at least one karmic relationship in life – it’s part of our spiritual calling.
But the question is, how do we know if a certain spiritual relationship is karmic? What’s the purpose of karmic relationships? And is it healthy to stay in one or not?
Table of contents
What is a Karmic Relationship?
Tracing its origins back to ancient Eastern philosophy, a karmic relationship describes a connection between two people that has rekindled in this life from a previous incarnation (i.e., past life).
For whatever reason, the relationship we had in that past incarnation carries “unfinished business” and unresolved issues. Thus, in this lifetime, we’re tasked with clearing that karma for the enrichment and evolution of the Soul.
Another way of putting it is that karmic relationships are bonds created between the Souls of individuals who, before being born into this world, agreed to work their shit out. (Also known as creating a ‘Soul Contract.’)
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Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, karmic relationships (at the very least) can be seen as opportunities to learn major life lessons.
And no, karmic relationships don’t just occur between lovers, they’re also found among friends, family members, children, and even colleagues!
Soul Mate Relationships = Karmic Relationships?
You might be wondering at this point whether soul mate relationships are karmic relationships.
My answer is that sometimes they are, but usually they’re not.
To summarize:
Soul mates are people in our lives whom we connect with on a deep level.
A soul mate connection feels gentle yet fierce, deep but easy. (As such, it’s unlikely to be karmic.)
It’s common to confuse karmic relationships with soul mate connections. Sometimes, the two go hand-in-hand. Yet, overall, a soul mate relationship is designed to help us more than harm us.
Again, there’s a fine line between help and harm. Sometimes, for instance, something that harms us can eventually help us, and vice versa.
But generally, it’s easy to tell the difference between soul mate and karmic relationships.
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A karmic relationship smells like musky tobacco while a soul mate relationship smells like roses and jasmine or frankincense and myrrh.
So, when it comes to distinguishing between these relationships, it’s helpful to remember that there’s a difference between a karmic lesson and a karmic relationship.
If your relationship is like a non-stop rollercoaster, it’s probably karmic. But if you have arguments and dramas from time to time (what relationship doesn’t?), it’s probably a karmic lesson you’re in the process of learning.
Spiritual Awakening and Karmic Relationships
There is a large glimmering red ruby hidden at the core of karmic relationships. The treasure to be found must be earned, and it can take time, patience, and tremendous humility.
The gift I’m talking about is spiritual evolution (involution) and soulful maturation.
Karmic relationships are the doorway to deeper growth, expansion, and freedom. As irritating and upsetting as they are, they’re an opportunity to return to the Truth of Who We Are.
But this chance to awaken doesn’t come easily. Who said it would?
The nature of life is that there must be friction to grow. A baby chick must peck its way out of the shell. A seedling must push out of the earth. A newborn is squeezed and screamed out of the womb.
We, too, must go through this process of tension and release, death and rebirth.
And yet, despite the blood, sweat, and tears, we eventually realize that our pain never diminished our essence, it forged it. Our egos may be shattered, but our souls can never be touched.
Perhaps that is the biggest spiritual lesson of karmic relationships: they open us to the power of Love through the gateway of letting go.
They remind us of who we truly are.
Read more: Spiritual Awakening: 23 Major Signs and Symptoms »
19 Signs + STAGES You’re in a Karmic Relationship
We’ve all seen karmic relationships play out in literature and mythology before.
Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Catherine and Heathcliff – all of these karmic stories teach us something.
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But it can be hard to know whether we’re in a karmic relationship or not. And if so, what to do next.
Here are some helpful signs to look out for written primarily for those in karmic romantic relationships. (But please note that not all karmic relationships are romantic.):
1. Irresistibly drawn to them
The moment you met, you both had an instant connection. It was as if you were magnetized to each other. It all felt so mysterious and predestined. You either hated or loved them at first – there was no middle ground.
2. They’re addictive
As you got to know them, you fell further down the rabbit hole. Something about them was intoxicating – like an addictive mixture of chocolate, wine, and heroin. You just can’t get enough of them. Staying away feels like going through drug withdrawal!
3. Experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions
The more time you spend around them, the more your emotional life is sent into a tailspin. You swing between love, hate, lust, disgust, laughter, and rage. The highs are very high, and the lows are very low.
4. Constant drama
As your emotions bounce up and down, so does the relationship. You both seem to attract or create drama and play unconscious games with each other.
5. Something feels ‘off’
Your gut instincts begin to kick in and a feeling of heaviness, discomfort, or dread sits in the pit of your stomach. Deep down, you can’t shake away the feeling that something is terribly off in your relationship. You try to ignore this feeling, dismissing it as paranoia or silliness.
6. You don’t feel safe
Being authentically vulnerable with them feels scary, genuinely. Can they be trusted with your precious heart? In truth, you don’t know if you can really trust them due to their track record.
When you do open up, they can’t hold space for you. They’re either too wound up in their own problems or they flat-out reject you. In the end, you don’t feel safe enough to be your full self around them.
7. The sex is amazing
Sexually, you have a hot, intense, and wild connection. You’ve never experienced such amazing sex in your life. And yet afterward, something feels lacking. The connection is deliciously carnal but also addictive as it keeps you stuck in the same old place.
8. Repetitive cycles and patterns
The same negative patterns keep popping up no matter how much you think you’ve “worked through” them together. Either they are not holding up their side of the relationship, or you aren’t.
For instance, if one of you has had an affair, chances are that it has happened multiple times, and will continue. Even small irritations keep emerging in increasingly provocative and infuriating ways.
9. Communication issues
Let’s face it, the two of you aren’t the best communicators. There are a lot of unspoken assumptions, prejudice, judgment, and skipping to conclusions quickly. When you’ve tried to communicate openly, it just hasn’t worked the way you intended, no matter how much you try.
10. Anger and rage
At any given time, the two of you are like matches just waiting to be lit. One of you will tend to bottle up that anger (which turns into rage), and the other tends to explode whenever irritations occur. You both have a special way of pushing each other’s buttons.
11. They bring out the worst in you
Your shadow selves (i.e., dark side) relish dancing with each other, and you’re often shocked by their behavior and your own. Sometimes you’re left wondering, “Who am I/who are they really?” Despite the fact that they bring out the worst in you, you can’t imagine life without them. You just don’t want to let go.
12. Energy drain and exhaustion
Being in this relationship is tiring. You feel mentally and emotionally drained around them, but chances are that you blame yourself for these feelings.
The truth is that if you feel perpetually exhausted, the process of letting go has already been initiated. The relationship just isn’t destined to last, and you’ll eventually feel compelled to leave.
13. Your morals and values are tested
You tolerate behavior from them that you would never stand for in another person. Perhaps you enable one of their addictions, or you adopt shady ethics. Whatever the case, your character is being tested.
What are you willing to put up with? Where do you draw the line? At what point do you say no?
14. Self-sabotage and self-destructiveness
Strangely, it’s as if you’re both drawn to try and sabotage each other’s happiness. It might be a sarcastic, off-handed comment or a full-blown act of malice.
The result is that you often feel like competitors, not a supportive team. There is an underlying darkness to your connection, and one (or both) of you tend to become more self-destructive.
15. One-sided codependency
Deep down, you feel that your happiness depends solely on their happiness. Whatever they say, think, or feel about you is immediately taken as the gospel truth. While you give-give-give, they take-take-take (or vice versa). And ultimately, your entire sense of self-worth is based on the way they behave.
16. Things begin to stagnate
At some point, you feel stuck. Your relationship feels like it’s stranded in a thick pit of tar. You try to take two steps forward but are drawn ten steps back. Anger, bitterness, anxiety, and depression soon follow. You are terrified of leaving this relationship, but it feels dead. You don’t know what to do.
17. Intense desire for answers
Fragile, exhausted, and disconnected, you begin searching for answers. Why does this relationship bring you so much pain? How can you resolve your issues together?
As you begin soul searching, you start evolving. You begin drawing back a sense of self-sovereignty. In many ways, you’re starting to evolve to the next level, yet this means you need to leave them behind. A split between the desire to stay and the desire builds within you.
Read more: Soul Searching: 7 Ways to Uncover Your True Path »
18. Struggle to let go
In all truth, you know that this relationship is unhealthy for you. Yet you can’t release the idea that you’re “destined to be together forever.” And besides, going out on your own feels frightening and overwhelming.
You may decide to leave, but again, you’re drawn back to them! The seductive and toxic cycle continues.
While some people can “cut the cord” and end the soul contract, others keep repeating the holding-on-letting-go cycle many times before emotional liberation.
19. Reconnecting with love and letting go
Eventually, the lessons have been learned. The karma has been cleared. Through the power of love, forgiveness, and a solid dose of boundary-setting, you are able to surrender and let go of your karmic relationship. This process might happen in your lifetime or in a future one, depending on how much inner work occurs.
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$3Should You Stay?
My response is that it depends.
Firstly, is it a karmic relationship, or is it some other kind of relationship with karmic lessons?
As I wrote previously in this article, if your relationship is like a non-stop rollercoaster, it’s probably karmic.
But if you have arguments and dramas from time to time (what relationship doesn’t?), it’s probably a karmic lesson you’re in the process of learning.
Secondly, nothing is black and white. Not all karmic relationships are destined to end – but most are.
Is the other person doing the work? Are they committed to growth and change? If so, cautiously proceed. It might be worth staying.
If the other person isn’t growing or evolving or committed to change, it’s better to end that relationship.
How to Let Go of a Karmic Relationship
Here’s some guidance:
- Reach out to others for mental, emotional, and spiritual support – we are biologically programmed to seek comfort in the presence of others, so try to call in (or build) a support network
- Decide how you will say goodbye – what’s the healthiest and swiftest way of bidding them farewell?
- Practice self-love and forgiveness – this will enable you to love and forgive them
- Be thankful and resolute – reflect on what you’re grateful for learning and be solid in your conviction to leave
- Listen to some healing meditations for spiritual nourishment
- Some guided breathwork might help you to release the ‘karmic cords’ that connect the two of you
- Actively practice letting go and letting be
- Do some deep listening and let yourself feel your feelings
- Begin to build the foundation of your new life
And remember to be gentle with yourself and be proud of how far you’ve come!
***
Karmic relationships can happen between us and partners, parents, children, friends, or anyone, in fact, who is part of our life.
These relationships offer tremendous illumination and the opportunity for spiritual evolution. But growing the Soul is often an arduous and perilous adventure.
And yet, like many things in life, karmic relationships are both tragic and beautiful pointers to our True Essence that flourishes through the power of love.
I hope this guidance has helped you. Please feel welcome to share how your karmic relationship has ultimately enriched your life.
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My last relationship was exactly like this, minus the sex. She was intoxicating. Our relationship was both heaven and hell, but also numbness and nothingness at the same time (when I couldn’t feel anything because I had felt too much). I first thought we were some type of soulmates because it felt like we connected with each other on a deep level (childhood trauma makes some kind of bond between empaths and narcissists), but as time went on, it became apparent that she was using, draining, and manipulating me. I didn’t know how to resolve it, so I just left. She contacted me via email and when I set down boundaries, it didn’t take long for her to show her true colours.
I still miss her. She was truly intoxicating. We would roleplay with characters we invented and it was the most fun I’d ever had in my life, even if it was interwoven with manipulation. I caught on to the fact that something was off with us from very early on, but for a while, I just didn’t care. I wrote a poem about how I felt in the relationship, like a puppet/marionette, “an actor on your world and stage,” “a performer here for your entertainment.” I wrote that I felt like she was addicted to me, like I was her drug, but I couldn’t see until now just how addicted I was to her.
I mean seriously, when you become suicidal after ending the relationship and you start trying to undo whatever the hell that was…yeah, I think it’s safe to say I was addicted to her.
I think for the longest time, I thought I didn’t care. I leave the cult I was raised in, my parents, my siblings, my entire family and community, my now exhusband, a few therapists, every single friendship I’ve ever had (except one soulmate that we’re both making work from a distance) — all this time I try to convince myself that I don’t feel like it will tear me apart if I acknowledge the loss, but everyone that has ever meant something to me I’ve lost. I even fear losing my soulmate, I feel like it’s only a matter of time before she loses herself in the cult too.
I know I’ve gained myself by losing everyone else, but at what cost? Am I really worth it? It’s just so hard sometimes. When you live your whole life telling yourself you’re fine when you’re not (because you’ll break down if you don’t), you get in the habit of lying to yourself until you can no longer tell when you’re fine or not. The show must go on, right?
Micaiah, that relationship you found yourself in sounded like the definition of bittersweet. Have you sought out help and support from others (you mentioned that you were suicidal)? There’s no need to be stoic and carry the world on your shoulders like a martyr. I did this once, but then I realized the importance of asking for help. Take good care of yourself ♡ thank you for opening up here. Much love to you
Words cannot express the gratitude I have for this article! It hits home in every way. Especially, the part about whether to stay or go.
Much love
Monica
:) beautiful
wow, just wow.. I cannot believe the universe sent me this message at the peak of insanity during my trip back down the rabbit hole with my karmic relationship_ it always starts off so amazing, he gets me hooked each time.. the sex is truly like heaven, we get along and I wonder why I ever left …but it never takes long for heaven to turn into hell and now I am right back standing in the midst of the flames.
the part that describes how you would never allow the same treatment from anybody else blew me away_ I felt like I was telling my exact story!!
reading all of the comments made me realize that I’m not actually alone, which is so comforting to know!
Yes, they’re so addictive and tempting. If you’re familiar with tarot, this topic embodies the Devil card!
I’m so glad you’ve found a bit more clarity, though, and that you’re comforted in knowing you’re not alone. Thanks Amyjo!
Very well done…you provided a road map for deep introspection offerings an oppounity to accept truth…without judgment or resistance…accepting the what is…..peacefully…calmly….with an expanding loving heart……Wolfe
♡
Thank you for the beautiful article. I’ve been drawn back to the memories of the intense relationship I had with so called my “psycho-ex”. I met him when I was 19, we had a long distant relationship then lived together which was like a living heaven and hell at the same time. We were together for 5 years and separated 6 years ago, but he remains present in my heart as I go through times of thinking about him. It’s been especially noticeable this last couple of weeks, then I get your newsletter about Karmic relationship and I think this was a sign. I’m amazed how absolutely every single detail in your article summerizes the relationship I had with him. I loved him like I wouldn’t mid if the world ended at that moment of high for no apparent reason, really, at the same time I hated him very deeply. Our connection seemed to release every emotions inside of us, spinning out of control yet capturing us closer ever more strongly. Reading the article has somehow brought me peace as I can really understand what happened then. But I’m also feeling as if the “business” is still unfinished. We never had a closure. It was so dramatic towards the end I had to literally kick him out of my life. He came back, I welcomed him, then I had to cut him off. I think, maybe it’s time for me to verbally forgive him for everything and let him go for good. I’m just not sure if this may potentially invite him back into my life, which I do not want.
If you want to forgive and release, but not open the doorway for him to enter back into your life, have you explored any letting go rituals? You could even write him a letter (without sending it) and burn it. There are more ideas here: https://lonerwolf.com/types-of-rituals/ I hope this helps and I wish you the best, Sunrise ♡
I am going through a tough marriage , addictions etc , I can’t leave or at least I think I can’t cos we have kids and I’m financially dependent on him as I quit my fancy job for motherhood / trailing spouse .I know in my heart I rather walk alone than walk with someone who disrespects me , is emotionally unavailable , has no moral values . But then what if this relationship is for my higher good ? And I’m wanting it gone ? I don’t know what to do , I can’t live with the guilt that I ended it when it was meant to be , what is your advice ? Why am I experiencing so much anxiety when it comes to my relationship
Dear M, I’ve just left (finally!) a karmic relationship – I cannot tell you how G_R_E_A_T it feels! Love yourself and never look back! :-)
This is my life what you described. Trailing spouse with a husband emotionally unavailable, cheating history, me financially dependent, two kids I love and cannot rob of a father.. I am working on my career now and see where it leads but first step is sovereignty. Good luck..
I think I just got out of a karmic relationship from what I just read.
It is barely up to a month and I still feel empty,sad,angry,frustrated and even physically sick. I find it difficult to even stay present and focus
Having this clarity on what it was that I was in is such a blessing, as well as the tips on how to move forward.
Thank you so much.
I agree. in a wonderful relationship now and still struggle sometimes. You’re not alone. Healing does come, and little by little, life gets better. I wish you the best on your journey
Dear Anita, do some energy work, get it out of your body, be very gentle, very loving to yourself – yes, and connect with your soul, ask her to heal you! <3
I’m sorry to hear that darling, I hope you feel much better soon. Sending the cyber-equivalent of warm tea and hugs ❤
I was in a karmic relationship without knowing what was happening. I was shocked with the changes I was going through, I did not recognize myself. I wish I knew then what I know now, because I felt really, really lost and confused. However, I got rid of that relationship after few years, because he was not ready to learn and grow, and everything I tried was in vain – I was destroying myself and just decided not to do it anymore, he was not worth it. He helped me to know myself better, and he activated my Shadow, I am thankful for that, since he was really significant for my path of learning and growth, but there is no space for him in my life anymore. He was like devil to me, led me to my personal hell, and I do not want to go back there again.
“He was like a devil to me”…that is a brilliant statement and one with which I can relate, as I have a similar devil. He brings out everything that is terrible in me, and I have even changed physically (for the worse) in our time together. When we met I was already in hell, and he seemed at first to be some sort of saviour because I was nearly suicidal. It was like a message of hope, his coming into my life. And it was great for a short while, spectacular even. We felt like we had known each other forever, which I guess is the point. We probably did, maybe many times over the eons, and we are just repeating it until we finally learn and evolve. It surely is painful though.
Thank you for this. I am in a karmic relationship. 100%. I realized it very early on. I feel the signs that you mentioned (that we have unfinished business from other lifetimes). Now, after six years of living together, we are separating physically. Many of the things you mentioned in the article are very, very true for us.
hank you for this most wonderful topic that came in its time
I think that I went through exactly these signs in my previous relationship to the point that I left the person and got married and then divorced and head back to the same person and the same relationship was repeated. I think that I had a satisfactory attachment and that he was a narcissistic person who just gave me a block of information and messages began to pour in to me in order to understand what happened, but I am still unable to Getting rid of thinking about him and from all the memories I am still unable to decipher the attachment and promise to observe him or think about it even though I am completely convinced that he is inappropriate and that he is narcissistic and toxic relationship and I am still unable to differentiate Is this a karmic relationship or is it a karmic lesson?
It’s hard for me to say whether your relationship was karmic or a karmic lesson was being learned. But if you were, as you say, in a relationship with a narcissistic person, it *may* have been a karmic relationship. Again, I can’t say for sure. I’d seek out advice from others who know you and your situation better ♡