Personal responsibility isn’t really a topic we hear much about these days. We read about the values of self-love, forgiveness, compassion, and empathy, but we rarely read about self-responsibility.
I wonder why? Perhaps the word “responsibility” conjures up one too many associations with parental rebukes or stiff-lipped ideologies.
In fact, clicking on this article was probably a sign that it’s time for you to actively re-examine your feelings towards accountability.
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So stop now and ask yourself the following question, “How do I feel about the word ‘responsibility’?” Here, let me provide you with a blank space so you can stop and think: ___________________________________
What did you find? Maybe you associate taking “responsibility” with dogmatic Christian teachings like I do. Or maybe you link the word to bigotry or patriotism, or perhaps it just feels like a cold, dry or murky concept? If so, that’s OK. You aren’t alone.
But while the concepts of accountability or self-responsibility may seem unglamorous and dull at first, they are actually extremely vital companions on your journey of self-growth.
When we lack personal responsibility, we lack the ability to truly move forward with our lives. When we lack self-responsibility we become permanently stuck in the poisonous patterns of self-victimization and martyrdom. However, when we become accountable for our thoughts, feelings, and wellbeing, our lives are literally revolutionized.
My life was transformed when I realized that I was running away from taking personal responsibility for my health and happiness. This happened to me quite recently. I had always assumed that taking care of others was the same as taking care of myself.
WRONG.
By trying to take responsibility for other people and their happiness I was draining the life and vitality out of myself. No wonder I felt constantly fatigued and over-burdened… I was neglecting to take responsibility for my own welfare. I had nothing left for myself. Self-responsibility is only really another face of learning how to love yourself.
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Why Do We Deny Personal Responsibility?
We deny personal responsibility for a number of reasons. These can be broken down into two different categories: conscious and unconscious self-denial. In other words, we either intentionally or unintentionally bypass responsibility for ourselves in life. But we can also overlap both categories.
The most common reasons for avoiding self-responsibility include the following:
- Lack of self-awareness resulting in feeling disconnected from our deepest needs, wants and values
- Low self-esteem and the belief that we aren’t really “that important”
- Mistaken beliefs absorbed through our religious, cultural and parental environments, e.g. “You must care for others before you care about yourself,” “You have no control over life,” “Let religious faith cure all ills,” etc.
- Habits formed as children that haven’t been surrendered in adulthood, e.g. taking care of your parents or siblings as a way of maintaining harmony
Denying personal responsibility can range from a very subtle habit to a deeply entrenched conscious belief about life. So, the question to ask now is: do you take personal responsibility for your health, happiness and wholeness? If the answer is “yes” … how? If the answer is “no” … how? I can assure you that stopping to genuinely ask this question will help you immeasurably on your inner path.
How to Be Accountable For Your Life (and Why)
As I mentioned previously, taking personal responsibility is a deep form of self-respect. Not only that, but self-responsibility is true wisdom; it is knowing that the only person you are accountable for is yourself. All other effort squandered on others is worthless and in vain. When all is said and done, the most good you can do for another comes in the form of self-responsibility.
Being accountable for yourself means that you have an unlimited repository of humor, patience, kindness, love and energy at your disposal. Who wouldn’t want that? And yet so many of us lack these qualities and wonder why. The answer could very well be that you need to take more self-responsibility.
Here are some pointers that will help you reclaim your self-responsibility or accountability:
1. Realize that the only person you are truly responsible for is yourself
Strangely enough, I always consciously understood this truth, but never absorbed it deep into my unconscious mind. This resulted in me constantly playing out old patterns of behavior without even knowing it. If you find it hard to integrate this realization, I recommend exploring visualization, mantra or self-designed rituals. These will help you let go of your need to erroneously take responsibility for others.
For example, I find it much easier to integrate this truth through the use of ritual and chanting more than visualization. If you’re serious about self-growth, be open to exploring all of these techniques (and even ones I haven’t mentioned) to see what suits you. This is such an important task and I can guarantee that you will benefit from such a practice.
2. Pinpoint the ways you are bypassing self-responsibility
You will find it useful to narrow down the places, situations and people in your life that trigger self-denial and martyrdom. You can do this through writing, introspection or even artistic expression. Personally, I like to journal and make bullet point lists which organize my thoughts and inner discoveries (it’s an invaluable part of shadow work). I encourage you to take at least 10 minutes today (preferably more) to sit with the question: “In what ways am I taking responsibility for other people’s wellbeing and not my own?”
3. Learn to let go of your need to “baby” others
Taking care of our children is our responsibility, but being a martyr isn’t. The same applies to the adults in our lives. No matter how helpless, weak or lost they may seem, the ultimate responsibility for their wellbeing comes from THEM, not you. You can do your best to help, but at the end of the day, your primary responsibility is your wellbeing.
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You really do require a no-nonsense approach to self-responsibility (perhaps another reason why it’s perceived as unglamorous). Sentimentalism and mollycoddling while disguised as caring traits, are actually harbingers of self-sacrifice and objectification. I say “objectification” because we don’t truly see the person as they are — we see what we want to see. We don’t understand their true needs, only the needs that we assign to them needing. (I discovered this hard truth while trying to caretake Sol.)
So while it is important that you show care, concern and love to others, you must understand that there is a limit. You must accept that you can only do so much to help. The bulk of the work must be done by the other person, not you.
Reclaiming the Joy of Self-Responsibility
Let me tell you, it’s such a profound reprieve to finally take responsibility for yourself. Suddenly you realize that the only person you are responsible for is yourself. *Big sigh of relief.* You no longer have to drain yourself to give to the hundreds of others around you because you give to yourself first — THEN others benefit. This is not selfish: it’s realistic. Do you really think that you can change another person? Yes, you can manipulate, nag, pressure or spoon-feed another person to act. But in the end, the deepest change, the vital change, comes from deep inside the person.
Typically, reclaiming the joy of your self-responsibility can come with great pain. What will happen to others if you aren’t there to baby them you might wonder? It’s so painful to witness others self-destructing — especially if it’s someone very close to you.
I’ve been there.
As the Buddha once said, “Pain is certain, suffering is optional.” We must accept this pain, this pain of uncertainty, frustration and helplessness with others. We must accept that others have the freedom to act, as we do, or not to act, as we do. That freedom is their birthright, and in their power to utilize or not.
You might also be met with resistance if you fully reclaim your self-responsibility. All of a sudden the dynamics in your house or relationships could shift. And this can ruffle feathers, especially for those who are used to being spoon-fed by us. But know this: true relationships will reveal themselves by the level of support they offer us. The more resistant a person is to your inner changes, the more unhealthy your relationship was with them in the first place. This is a cause for celebration: your life will be stripped down to its pure basics. Only those who support your growth will remain close by your side.
Have courage.
***
So now, you might like to share with me your thoughts about personal responsibility. Are you lacking it? Or perhaps you’re in the process of retrieving it, but you’re having a hard time. Comment below to start a conversation.
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After reading this article, I realized that I am lacking as far as personal responsibility. I have always put others needs and happiness before mine. It has been about 40 years since my needs and happiness mattered. Looks like I have a whole lot of work to do.
Wow! Last week I had a total revelation when my 11 year old son asked me “Mom what’s wrong you look so stressed. ” This was on our way to drop him to school. I replied, I just have a lot to do before this weekend. I want to make sure everyone has a good time. His response was profound. He looked at me and said “What about you Mom?” Without thinking I said I don’t worry about me I just want you all to be happy. Later I thought about our conversation and it really got to me. He was right. I don’t ever take time for me. I’m too worried about making our children’s lives magical. My husband happy and my full time job. No wonder I’ve been depressed. I have been called a people pleaser before and this is why I came across your article. I’ve done counseling before and hell I think I even tried to please the counselor. Thank you for this article. It helps me know I am looking in the right direction to get back to me.
I feel when we are on this sort of journey, the more growth we have then there also comes more responsibilities because we have more light. So this to me means that we have to be aware of our actions and also not let anyone try to take our light. So awareness to me is our number 1 responsibility.
I am currently a senior citizen with time to stop, think, and look back. I see where I was so “busy” working and subconsciously pleasing others that I totally “lost” years of “me”! Being “retired” from my last job, the death of my last parent, and being single has given me time and opportunity to reflect. study, and come to the realization of how much of “me” I have given away! Does this make sense? I feel sadness to my depths. My desire is to overcome that and fill the balance of my time on this planet truly knowing me and the courage to live that! Thank you for your website and sharing.
Its funny how much I resonate with your experience. I feel grateful that I realized this earlier in life, at about 30 & I still sometimes fall back into giving myself or ‘me’ part away. I hope with time and practice it will be less frequent.
Thank you for sharing!
I have always been involved in everything I could to help other people. At work I’m a trade unionist, health & safety representative, first aider. Both inside and outside of work I’m a sucker in volunteering to help. At home I feel like a servant to my husband and 3 kids, doing everything for them instead of pushing them to do for themselves. I end up arguing and nagging at home when it is me who has to clean the kitchen again but instead of getting somebody else to do it, I do it myself. I seem to spend a lot of time these days resenting my family for taking so much from me and not giving anything back. This article has helped me to understand that I am not helping them to grow, I’m just hurting myself. Thank you.
In the past I used to said that “you have to take care of yourself before you can help others” and I apply it very well. I started to live alone months before I turn 21 and I thrive through challenges and enjoyed so much the process of growth, maturation and improvement.
And then, a couple of years back, “life happens” and I found myself without my own place, losing the majority of my belongings and what I have left , is spinning around in different places.
I started to take care of people at the expense of myself, even when I tried consciously to not doing so. And I couldn’t stop until I helped to make good improvements in the lives of others, only to see more delayed my own recovery.
At one point, I started to not realize when I was hungry, so I had to do it mentally.
It was all so strange and new for me.
Recently this year I started more willingly to retake my self responsibility, and a huge inspiration are these articles.
I found myself waking up of a dream like state, and very inspired in remember my lost capabilities. I’m so thankful for that.
Thanks Aletheia & Naila for your kind comments. :)
It’s strange how sometimes we don’t even know we have hidden reserves of strength until our backs are against the wall. I still get my bad moments, but I’m still here.
Marie – you’re right how some people will understand & others won’t, the latter are usually those with their own selfish agenda. (Like my brother.)
I like this quote …“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”(Bernard M Baruch)
It’s something that doesn’t come easy to many of us as it can take a long time to completely undo the damage from our younger formative years.
Mr Apparatus – you’re right how we arn’t taught about taking responsibility for ourselves & that does us no favours. A dear friend of mine (who has been hugely instrumental in helping me) believes that as children we should be taught ’emotional intelligence’ & also taught how our expectations can often cause us much pain.
A feeling that has always been with me is a sense of not totally belonging, of being ‘different’, not in a superior way, not in a good way, more like I was borne out of time, almost as if I’m on the outside looking in. Not sure why?!
Thanks to you both for this wonderful site & for providing us with so much food for thought!
“It’s strange how sometimes we don’t even know we have hidden reserves of strength until our backs are against the wall” — so, so, so true!
Thank you. <3
Usually I do not have problems with my self responsibility, but some point catch my attention. It is about the resistance of your environment (all the people around you) to your change, from being helpful with everyone to help you first and then others. It is really important to be conscious about that resistance will be there and may be should be really strong against your change, and may be you will need to explain some important people that you are not able to carry his/her troubles anymore. Some people will understand; some others will not, and we have to be prepared to his/her angry and continue with our way. Be strong and think that is for the good of you and she/he (and everyone around you).
A good reminder. The hardest bit about taking responsibility for your life is the peer pressure to remain the same. You have to be strong, courageous and determined to take absolute accountability for your happiness.
Thank you for this site, it is inspirational, as are you two wonderful souls! How I wish I had as much wisdom when I was your age, my life might have been very different! I’m 57 & over the last 4 years I have been learning about how important it is to take responsibility for yourself. I have learned the hardest way possible that the only person I can truly rely on is myself! That I matter! That there won’t be a white knight galloping to my rescue, because the only person who can rescue me, is me!
Life events have forced me to rebuild my life from scratch & people need to be aware that in extreme circumstances, taking on too much responsibility for someone else can end up with you losing yourself – in them, their needs, their life. I spent my life putting everyone else first, especially my mum, a lovely, kind but damaged woman (she had an awful abusive childhood) her marriage to my dad was deeply miserable & from the age of 13 I became her full time confidante (which sadly coloured how I felt about my dad) I was also made to feel responsible for her emotional wellbeing, for her happiness & she wasn’t averse to using guilt trips on me. But eventually her emotional dependency ended up suffocating me, it left me emotionally stunted in many ways, a woman-child. Then, after 14 years of caring, (the last 5 spent caring for mum 24/7 – in one room in her house) I finally had a breakdown.
I was suicidal, I felt nothing but despair, I was dead inside. It felt like my soul was dying inside me, day by day & I ended up empty, I had nothing left to give. What began from best intentions, doing what I (we) thought was right, what was borne out of love, ended up causing despair, resentment, huge amounts of guilt & very nearly ended up killing me. I felt like I had been sucked dry from 40 years of trying to please/appease, be peacemaker, & somehow make up for her horrible childhood & marital problems & the caring on top became the final straw. I also lost sight of who I was. I lost myself in her & felt like I didn’t exist as a separate person with my own needs. My brother had never wanted to know, didn’t want anything interfering with his selfish bachelor existence, even when he knew I was suicidal he turned his back on my cries for help, over & over. His life always more important than his family. (I finally severed ties with him after my mum died.) To cut a very long story short – I ended up being used, abused, played & betrayed by my long term partner of 22 years, my ‘kind caring friend’ of 20+ years & my brother. I was taken to an area far from home where I didn’t know a soul (under false pretences) then after 5 hellish weeks alone, I was thrown away like garbage, aged 53 & I had to deal with all this agony alone 24/7. Talk about being thrown into hell. But … despite being suicidal for the first two years, I somehow held on & have rebuilt my life from scratch. But a warning to other people – don’t do what I did. If you take responsibility for other people to extremes, without healthy boundaries, without understanding you have to nurture yourself, first & foremost, you could end up like me, because it ended up costing me everything.
Now 57 I am finally growing up, taking responsibility for myself, finally self reliant & independent. The last two years in particular have been a huge learning curve & I am (still) discovering who I am & learning to set boundaries, how to say no (a bigee!) but as a result I am a very different person now to the one who was thrown away so callously 4 years ago. I am on this journey of self discovery & trying hard to find my ultimate path in life. I still have a long way to go as I still carry a lot of sadness, grief & anger within, the wounds run very deep on so many different levels & I feel broken inside, but … I continue to move on & one day, with some luck, I may end up being the best most authentic person I can be, albeit via baby steps! Sorry for the long post but thanks for listening!
Please, have my token of care, hug and kiss. That must had been a horrible life :’)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is profoundly inspiring and revealing. To me the most beautiful thing about your experience is that despite your deep suicidal depression you STILL managed to hold on. That is strength right there, true strength. You have exciting times ahead!
Very sad, reminds me of my own childwood. But because i dont want that life for my kids i made the mistake to baby them and because of that if i get stressed i smoke and tried so many times to quit… very unsuccessfully.. i also use to get hyperventilated, thank GOD thats under controll now and thats all because i do everything for them and then i get stressed if i’m tiered or running out of time. Great tips and advise on this side and will start to use them.
I hope you are better…
oh love, i’m 39 and i’m living your exact story. i’m sorry. so so sorry. i’m in that suicidal mind frame and trying to figure out what to do for myself. my stomach is in anxiety 24/7.
I know you posted this a few years ago but I wanted to let you know that I think you’re incredible and so so strong! I hope you are happy.
Taking responsibility for your life is one of the most difficult things you can do. Sometimes our lives are not always aligned as we would see fit. And sometimes circumstances make trying to just be yourself a challenge. But the simple truth is that no one can change any of that accept you. The power to become who you desire to be is in your hands, and yours alone.
It took me years to finally realize that others actually can’t cure me. My condition is mine to bear. And if I don’t choose to change, I will forever be at the mercy of my circumstances.
The hardest part about being yourself is realizing that your road is long, and that much of it will be walked alone. Taking responsibility for your happiness, your health, and your character is essential in order to grow as a person.
But they don’t usually tell you that. They tell you that the situation, that your circumstances, and that your life will resolve. But they don’t unless you consciously decide to take action for yourself. The most important battles are almost always fought alone inside the battlefield of our minds. You just have to keep going to win the war.
Thank you for posting. This reminds us all of how of lives are what we make of them. It’s not our fault, it’s our responsibility.
“It’s not our fault, it’s our responsibility” so well said. What you write about going alone is very true. But even our solitude is what we make of it. I take comfort in knowing that countless others have been, currently are and will be on the same path probably as long as time continues. But there are so many gifts to find along this solitary path, so much gold.
Thank you for responding. Your constant work and effort has proven to be a wonderful aid in my life. I appreciate this community that you have put together and the time you’ve chosen to dedicate to this.
Your posts helped me to realize that the loner is not always alone in their hearts. After reading your posts on ‘what’s wrong with being a loner’ I learned that those who choose to walk their own paths are not strays, they are independent.
Your whole website is a testimony to your independence. And I can’t thank you enough for pulling all of this together.
You helped me realize that solitude is a powerful thing. I was finally able to overcome my fear of not being like everyone else.
I can be myself, by myself, independently.
God bless you.