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ยป Home ยป Starting The Journey

12 Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend, Girlfriend or Partner (and What to Do)

by Aletheia Luna ยท Updated: Jun 1, 2024 ยท 80 Comments

Image of a tied-up woman in a possessive relationship
Image of a woman held captive by a possessive partner

There is a very fine line between having a protective lover and a possessive lover โ€ฆ

And yet many of us donโ€™t know the difference. What separates innocent possessiveness (as seen in the first few insecure stages of love) with aggressive possessiveness? At what point do we say โ€œenough is enoughโ€?

When left unexplored and unresolved, possessive relationships can amount to feelings of profound unhappiness, anxiety, anger, and even physical or emotional abuse.


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At first, it can seem adorable and even flattering to be on the receiving end of your partnerโ€™s intense love and devotion, but after a while it becomes smothering and even dangerous.

12 Major Signs You Have a Possessive Boyfriend / Girlfriend / Partner

Is your relationship healthy and supportive of your well-being, or unhealthy and destructive to your health and happiness? Although it can be hard to admit that you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, it is worth getting real about your relationship for your OWN inner peace of mind. After all, you have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.

Here are some red flags that you should look out for:

1. You must appease their wishes all the time.

Essentially, if you donโ€™t comply with, abide by, or fulfill what your partner asks of you, there is hell to pay in the form of nagging, demanding, threatening, and/or emotional blackmailing.

2. They control where you go, when, and why.

Whenever you want to go out, meet up with a friend or family member, or even do shopping, your partner breathes down your neck, wanting to micromanage every place you go to any person you see. Often they will discourage prolonged periods of going out and try to keep you confined to the house, typically in menacing or manipulative ways.

3. They stalk you.

Your partner keeps an eye on every little thing you do to the point of stalkingย you. This might include logging in to your social media accounts and checking your private messages, reading through your emails or text messages, checking your internet browser history, showing up unexpectedly while youโ€™re out of the house, and so forth.

4. They are needy and clingy.

One key sign of a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner is their tendency to remind you that โ€œyou are the center of their worldโ€ so much so that they need no other friends or social connections because they have you. While this is not always a sign of neediness or possessiveness, it is when they display anger or resentment towards your otherย friends, colleagues or family members.


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5. They try to sabotage your friendships.

A deep and dark kind of jealousy seems to boil under the surface of your partnerโ€™s faรงade as they try to dissuade you from spending time with your friends, colleagues or family members. They might criticize, character-dissect, bring up old issues youโ€™ve experienced, or even fabricate lies about those you want to spend time with, sometimes even turning you against those you care about.

6. They donโ€™t respect your personal boundaries.

In a possessive relationship, personal space is rarely a concept that is valued. If you have a possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, chances are they will impose themselves too much on your need to have time, space and objects that are exclusively “yours.”

7. They get extremely jealous and paranoid of โ€œother women/men.โ€

If you talk to a man or woman, they want to know why. If you get a phone call from someone else, they want to know why. If you get a friend request from someone at work, they want to know why. If you get an email from-so-and-so, they want to know why. And god forbid that you honestly reveal any kind of attraction you have to another person! This might spell severe guilt-tripping, emotional punishment, or even violence.

8. They control what you wear.

Going out? Better make sure that you get approval from your partner! The possessive boyfriend, girlfriend or lover will always openly assess what youโ€™re wearing to ensure that it is โ€œappropriateโ€ and to their standards.

9. They constantly message you when youโ€™re out.

For some reason, your partner always seems to โ€œcheck upโ€ on you when you are out, sending you more texts and calls than usual.

10. They want to be involved in all of your decision-making.

Every decision you make โ€“ your partnerย wants to be there. Period. Often you will even feel pressured to do whatย theyย want to do, even if the decision has nothing to do with them.

11. They are emotionally or psychologically manipulative.

Your possessive boyfriend / girlfriend / partner has a way of diminishing your self-confidence. They might be emotionally abusive, gaslight youย and make you feel as though you donโ€™t truly know what is best for you.

12. They say that โ€œitโ€™s all just love.โ€

All of their jealousy, all of their paranoia, all of their controlling behavior โ€ฆ โ€œitโ€™s all just love.โ€ Your partner justifies his/her toxic behavior by pulling the โ€œlove cardโ€ on you, thus paving an easy escape route to avoid responsibility and blame. In fact, you might have bought into the “love” excuse yourself, continuing to justify your partnerโ€™s destructive behavior because you are unconsciously too scared to face reality.

How to Handle Controlling Behavior

Possessiveness and any kind of controlling behavior in relationships is a clear sign of insecurity. And where does this insecurity come from? From the fear of abandonment, rejection and powerlessness. If your partner is possessive, it is very likely that they have a great lack of self-love and self-confidence, and this is because deep down, they feel that they โ€œneed youโ€ in order to be happy, safe, secure, and successful.

Here is how I recommend dealing with possessiveness in relationships:

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  • Re-establish your self-confidence and self-respect which might have been crushed or depleted in your relationship. For instance, explore self-assertiveness, how to love and take care of yourself, and if you are quiet by nature, learn how to rediscover your voice.
  • Set aside an appropriate (not busy) time to talk with your partner. Open the conversation by letting them know how and why you appreciate them, and then merge into the problems you are facing with their behavior. Always talk in terms of โ€œtheir behaviorโ€ not โ€œthemโ€ as this removes unnecessary finger-pointing negativity.
  • Provide specific examples of what behavior is disturbing or upsetting you, and what you would like to change.
  • Be aware that your partner might get very offended, angry, dismissive, or upset. Prepare yourself for this beforehand to ensure that you keep your cool. It is vital that you keep your cool at all costs.
  • Be very clear about what you want to change in the relationship, e.g. you want more equality in decision making, you would like them to stop speaking harshly about your family, etc.
  • Remember, if you emotionally react (with anger, tears, shouting) the conversation is over as all valuable communication ceases once egos get involved.
  • If they agree to change, help them out by drawing attention to any possessive behavior in the future and setting โ€œtime outโ€ periods where you sit together and talk about the progress being made.
  • Be patient. Possessiveness canโ€™t be cured overnight.
  • Give an ultimatum (if necessary).

If you canโ€™t carry out these recommendations (e.g. due to domestic abuse, cultural expectations, egotism, etc.) it is best to consider ending the relationship, and build a support network for yourself.

Is Your Lover Protective or Possessive?

Being in a smothering relationship can be really hard and stressful. Remove some of that stress and burden by sharing your problems and proposed solutions below. And if you have any advice โ€ฆ please feel free to lend a helping hand!

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is a prolific psychospiritual writer, author, educator, and intuitive guide whose work has touched the lives of millions worldwide. As a survivor of fundamentalist religious abuse, her mission is to help others find love, strength, and inner light in even the darkest places. She is the author of hundreds of popular articles, as well as numerous books and journals on the topics of Self-Love, Spiritual Awakening, and more. [Read More]

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  1. Sam says

    January 18, 2017 at 4:59 pm

    I have been in a relationship for just over a month and I have been seeing red flags recently. He doesn’t tick all of the points but some of them. He checks my phone when I am sleeping, fights with me over a ex colleague sending me Facebook messages. Has picked out clothing and bought it for me even when I was not sure about the items.. He constantly asks me if something is wrong when I get a message and is always asking if we are ok… What should I do? I am a firm believer of people being in capable of changing and I definitely don’t think he will… Any advice?

    Reply
  2. Lost says

    December 25, 2016 at 3:48 pm

    I am currently having issues with my boyfriend again already warned him of he’s behaviour but now it appears to be worse then ever before. Getting upset with my text messages because I don’t put the right things in like calling him Hun or babe or saying I love him. And gets upset if I don’t message him Im busy working and accusers me of been on Facebook while I’m at work . I just want hi to stop making me justify myself .

    Reply
  3. Grace says

    October 01, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    I have been in a controlling and manipulative relationship along with many complications like cheating. It ended 4 years ago and i found myself in the same relationship but without the cheating part. I dunno how come i let it take place and continue but it did and i found myself trapped until i felt like i cant take it anymore i shut myself out even from my partner and decided to leave and end it just yesterday after 2 years.I am feeling unstable and depressed also, guilty for hurting someone who loves me this much i don’t know what to do or how to adjust all i know is i am hurting. I blame myself because i am a huge contributor to what has happened and where we have reached. Now the problem is we go to the same university and he is going through a lot in his personal life and education i want to help i feel terrible for walking away i have no idea what to do stick to my decision or fix things again

    Reply
  4. distraught says

    August 22, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    Son has a possessive girlfriend out of the country. She searched his wallet and suitcase when he went to visit her. She picked out clothes for him to wear.. Now she calls me and wants to know my business(son’s mom). I recently wrote her and told her this is an invasion of privacy. Son wants to live in my home with her after marrying this girl. I don” like how she is manipulating him.

    Reply
  5. Umair says

    August 16, 2016 at 7:48 pm

    Nice article.. exactly what situation i m facing, can i call it possession if she is constantly asking me for more time and due to my job nature and social circle i cannot manage more time? The matter is just about time nothing more she needs..
    Please suggest.

    Reply
  6. Lagoon Music says

    June 29, 2016 at 10:37 pm

    Wow this article is such an eye opener, I was in a 3 year relationship and all 12 of those pointers were everything she was, Delighted she is gone, Psychopath

    Reply
  7. ken says

    June 03, 2016 at 10:45 am

    my patner of 12 months is fretening me she will end are relationship if I see or soeak to my xwife over my daughter it seams she wants me to not see my daughter I don’t know what to do I love my daughter very much .

    Reply
  8. Audrey says

    March 08, 2016 at 8:08 am

    Me ex was just too possesive and jelous in my regards! In my situation it was better to leave him and let him go although i loved him! Learn the fact that some people can’t change

    Reply
    • Aletheia says

      April 06, 2016 at 11:16 am

      Good choice Audrey. If a person is unwilling to change themselves for their own benefit and the relationships, the best choice is to leave.

      Reply
  9. Chuck says

    September 13, 2015 at 1:24 am

    It’s all about respect. When one matures, they should know all of this.

    Reply
  10. Sandra says

    September 12, 2015 at 11:59 am

    Thank you for your article. I just recently ended a long-term relationship where my partner clearly showed signs of possessiveness. But more than once ever since, it seems like I am forgetting why I decided to break up. Your article was a honest reminder of why it was best to do so. Now I am trying to recover by paying attention again to my inner voice. I consider myself a very independent, self-confident and strong woman, but somehow I got sucked into this without realizing it. Sometimes I feel so sad when I remember about how much I stopped trusting myself and how miserable I felt in the end about myself and about my “flaws”. At some point I think I almost lost myself completely. But well, there was this deep down energy that started rebelling, grew stronger and finally got me back on track.

    Reply
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