Let me start with the facts: I used to be really into the idea of twin flames.ย
In fact, I was so intrigued by the idea that not only did I write some of the most highly read articles on the internet about it, but I also created a 20,000+ member Facebook group on it, AND I co-wrote an entire book about it that accumulated over one hundred 4.5 star reviews on Amazon.
Someone the other week even commented that I was โyou know, the twin flame authority on the internet,โ for which I immediately cringed because thatโs certainly not what I want to be known for (but Mindful Shadow Work or the Spiritual Awakening Process? Yes please).ย

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Having started my romantic relationship before the whole twin flame craze back on the 11th of November 2011 (yeah, I know, 11.11.11, one of many โtwin flame numbersโ), on some level, it once felt like destiny for me to write about twin flames. Love, after all, has been such a transformative catalyst for me that I wanted to share my journey with others.
But very rapidly, I started to realize that not only did I have no passion for continuing down the twin flame road, but the path actually nauseated me, and I began seeing more and more how the idea could be toxic and easily misused.
While I attempted to provide some kind of grounded and psychospiritual understanding of this twin flame concept in the book I authored, the message just didnโt get through. Instead, I would witness over and over again how such an idea could be used to justify narcissistic, codependent, and otherwise toxic relationships.ย
And thatโs just the tip of the iceberg.
You canโt build a stable foundation upon an idea propagated by the new age movement that is defined by push-and-pull psychodrama dynamics, so Iโve had to let it go โ and all the many hours of work Iโve put into it through the years.
Needless to say, Iโve since taken this entirely off my plate, handed the twin flame Facebook group over to someone else,ย redirected all the articles on this website about twin flames, and unpublished the twin flames book.
As someone who takes pride in their work and wants it to be as helpful and healing as possible, this has been a big personal blow and a true lesson in humility for me.
In this totally rewritten and revamped article, Iโm going to explain firstly what is a twin flame (as I once understood it) and why I feel like the twin flame idea can be more harmful than helpful. Buckle up.ย
Table of contents
- What is a Twin Flame?ย
- 21 Twin Flame Signs
- 7 Reasons Why the โTwin Flamesโ Idea Can Be Toxic and Disempowering, aka., Why I Abandoned the Notion
- 1. The notion that your twin flame completes you or is the โother half of your soulโ is anxiety-provoking and disempowering
- 2. The idea of having a โtwin flameโ can cause people to stay in relationships that are unhealthy and blatantly toxic
- 3. The โrunner and chaserโ twin flame dynamic can lead to people feeling obligated to deal with bad behavior and trapped in abusive relationships
- 4. The belief that having a twin flame will solve all your problems is a lie
- 5. The twin flame idea has caused many people to abandon their healthy and functional relationships in favor of an illusory ideal
- 6. The twin flame notion misses the whole point of spiritual partnerships
- 7. There are scam artists and sharks who smell the blood of emotional vulnerability in the water and are using it to their benefit
- What Term I Use Now
- Final Words
What is a Twin Flame?ย
Hereโs the original definition I shared in the chapter I wrote on twin flames in the twin flame book that Iโve since unpublished:
Your twin flame, or twin soul, is a person with whom you are destined to feel connected on a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual level. A twin flame is a person whoโs your friend, lover, and teacher in this life.ย
21 Twin Flame Signs
Some signs of a twin flame that I later shared in the book were the following:
- You feel a strange, inexplicable sense of โrecognition” when you meet the person.
- You have a feeling that they are going to play a crucial role in your own development.
- Youโve established an immediate, intense connection.
- You feel as though youโve finally found a โhomeโ or safe place with the other person.
- You can be your authentic self.
- You both embody the yin and yang.
- You feel a sense of expansion with them, as though you are larger than your limited identity.
- They make you a better person, and you make them a better person.
- When together, you are both bonded but free, attached but unattached.
- You are finely tuned to their energy, and they are finely tuned to yours.
- You feel as though you have been waiting for this person your entire life.
- You both connect deeply and mirror each otherโs values and aspirations for life.
- Your twin flame is a mirror of what you fear and simultaneously desire the most for your own inner healing.
- Your childhoods were polar opposites.
- One of you is more spiritually mature than the other and often serves as the teacher, counselor, or confidant within the relationship.ย
- You are taught important life lessons such as forgiveness, gratitude, empathy, and open-mindedness by them and alongside them.
- Your connection is multi-faceted (they are your best friend, lover, teacher, and muse all at once).
- The most growth youโve ever experienced has been with them.
- Your twin flame doesnโt try to change you. They accept you for who you are and what stage youโre at and encourage you to do the same for yourself (and vice versa).
- You can be truthful with each other about anything.
- Together, you both feel driven towards a higher purpose.
Now, most of these signs seem pretty innocent, right?
The problem with the twin flame idea is not so much the signs (although depending on the voice behind detailing them, it can be a problem) but how the concept is applied to everyday life.
7 Reasons Why the โTwin Flamesโ Idea Can Be Toxic and Disempowering, aka., Why I Abandoned the Notion
Now, hereโs the thing: if you love and have found benefit in the idea of having a twin flame, thatโs wonderful. You do you. Iโm not here to try to change your mind because I trust in your ability to make the right decisions for your own life.
Hopefully, something I wrote about this topic in the past helped you, and I wish you all the best in your relationship with yourself and your partner moving forward.
But personally, as hard as I tried to make the twin flame idea work for me, and as much as I tried to make it a viable, down-to-earth reality, it became increasingly obvious through the years that I had to extricate myself from it completely.
Here are seven reasons why the twin flame idea can be toxic and disempowering and why Iโve decided to move on from the notion altogether:
1. The notion that your twin flame completes you or is the โother half of your soulโ is anxiety-provoking and disempowering
Firstly, can you imagine how humungous a burden it is to place on someone elseโs shoulders the responsibility of โcompletingโ you or even being the โother halfโ of your literal soul? Thatโs an immediate recipe for dysfunction and horrific codependency in my book.ย
The twin flame notion is an anxiety-provoking idea that disempowers us because it makes our wholeness entirely dependent upon someone else and what they do or donโt do. Can you see how messed up that is?ย
Besides, it is my deep experience and realization that the Soul is innately whole and complete; itโs just the fragmented mind that believes otherwise. As such, how can someone else be the โother halfโ of your Soul?
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2. The idea of having a โtwin flameโ can cause people to stay in relationships that are unhealthy and blatantly toxic
Hearing from a friend of mine that the twin flame idea caused her to stay in a toxic relationship long past its expiry date because she believed โhe was her twin flameโ made me want to scream and cry at the same time.ย
The reality is that Iโve seen this happen a lot, particularly on the twin flame Facebook group I used to be an admin of for about five years. There were so many people in that group claiming to have twin flames, but when they described their connections, they were clearly one-sided or else utterly toxic and harmful.
When we get into our minds the idea that someone is our twin flame due to confirmation bias, it can be an extremely hard belief to shake. After all, it makes us feel special and shrouds our relationships in a kind of holy glow that weโre less likely to want to give up.
3. The โrunner and chaserโ twin flame dynamic can lead to people feeling obligated to deal with bad behavior and trapped in abusive relationships
The push and pull experience in relationships is common, aka., things are normal, we get into an argument, then we make up. Fairly typical, right?
The issue with the idea of twin flame relationships is that theyโre largely defined by something known as a โrunner and chaserโ stage, where one person is pulling away from the relationship, and then the other is pursuing that person and trying to bring them back. Perhaps things work out for a while, and then again, the runner and chaser pattern happens.
Now, I have heard of people getting into some pretty blatantly abusive relationships and yet saying things like, โOh, she totally ghosted me and pretends I don’t exist: weโre in the runner and chaser stage,โ or โheโs behaving in such a controlling way because he’s the chaser and I’m the runner.”
In psychology, this push and pull dynamic is known as the Cycle of Abuse where tension builds, thereโs an incident of abuse, reconciliation occurs, and then a period of calm before the cycle starts again.
So what abuse do people tend to justify in twin flame relationships? Some of these abusive tactics can involve things like:
- Being overly controlling (restricting what you do, who you see, where you go)
- Shaming and blaming you
- Criticizing and putting you down
- Guilt tripping or emotionally blackmailing you
- Humiliating you in front of others
- Controlling your finances
- Displaying extremely possessive or jealous behavior
- Ridiculing and dismissing you
- Accusing you of unfaithfulness
- Neglecting you (e.g., emotional withholding, silent treatment)
- Spying on or monitoring you
- Gaslighting and hoovering you
- Playing mind games with you
- Abandoning and ghosting you
You get the picture. What I’ve shared above is emotional and psychological abuse โ but physical abuse can and does enter the picture as well.
All of the above abusive tactics, and more, have been suffered yet justified in the name of being in a โtwin flame relationship.โ But there’s a big difference between a healthy and satisfying relationship and one that is mentally, emotionally, or even physically toxic.ย
4. The belief that having a twin flame will solve all your problems is a lie
The notion of having a โharmonious twin flame unionโ that will provide you with utter peace, fulfillment, and unending joy sounds magical on the surface. But the reality is that we are all imperfect beings with flaws, annoying quirks, and traumas to work through.ย
We will inevitably feel a lack of peace, an absence of fulfillment, and other uncomfortable emotions at times, and that is totally normal. Itโs part of being human, and we donโt need to pathologize and run away from it into a romantic fantasy.ย
The โhappily ever afterโ and โeternal unionโ story is one of the best marketing gimmicks. But the honest truth is that we donโt know if our love will last forever. We donโt know if our relationships will be our “happily ever after,” even though we may desperately need and want them to be.
This doesnโt mean we become cynical and denounce love and relationships completely, but it does mean that we become more grounded and realistic. In my experience, the more realistic and down-to-earth we are in our relationships, the healthier and stronger they become.
5. The twin flame idea has caused many people to abandon their healthy and functional relationships in favor of an illusory ideal
This is one of the saddest parts of the twin flames nonsense. So many good, mutually respectful, and healthy relationships have ended because one person within the couple has found someone else who they believe is their โtwin flameโ โ and therefore, they feel the need to abandon their current relationship in favor of their ideal one.
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Positioning the supposed โtwin flame relationshipโ above other relationships as superior is harmful, toxic, and life-destroying for many people.ย
Imagine this: everything was harmonious in Jane and Bobโs relationship until one day, Bob discovered the twin flame idea, and BOOM. Now, Bob is no longer happy because his relationship doesnโt meet his fantasy spiritual ideal. He realizes that the crush he has at work on the receptionist must be his โtrue twin flameโ because they have such a โfiery sparkโ โ and so he abandons his wife in pursuit of this newer, more ideal twin flame relationship that will apparently fulfill his every need, make him whole and complete, and give him eternal happiness.ย
It sounds crazy, but this shit actually happens. And it breaks my heart.
6. The twin flame notion misses the whole point of spiritual partnerships
As Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote,
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
The twin flame idea promotes this kind of sickly preoccupation with the other person, what theyโre doing, and how much happiness theyโre bringing you โ and whether theyโre your โtrueโ or โfalseโ twin flame.
But this is all a distraction, in my opinion, as the point of a spiritual partnership isnโt to obsessively fixate on the other but to work towards making this world a better place.
Perhaps the twin flame notion is just a result of our hyper-individualistic narcissistic society that elevates the individual and their happiness above everything else. Perhaps thatโs just a cynical observation.
Either way, the unhealthy preoccupation and obsession with another idealized person who is the โmissing half of your soul,โ to the exclusion of everything and everyone else, is self-absorbed and missing the point of love-centered spirituality.
7. There are scam artists and sharks who smell the blood of emotional vulnerability in the water and are using it to their benefit
As documentaries such as Escaping Twin Flames and Desperately Seeking Soulmate: Escaping Twin Flames Universe have come out, it has become increasingly clear that the twin flame idea has caused many to get sucked into disturbing and controlling cult-like groups.
Being raised in a fundamentalist religious cult-like environment, this is extremely disturbing to me and something that triggers feelings of anger and regret that I got into the whole twin flame thing in the first place (although, with self-compassion, I can understand why).
The highly emotional nature of the twin flame idea has led some scam artists who claim to be twin flames to charge huge amounts of money to access their services โ Iโm talking in the thousands of dollars range.
There is so much I could say about this, but I want to keep what I write simple and direct and encourage you to please exercise caution.
Paying thousands of dollars for courses and coaching packages that promise you to find your twin flame is not just ridiculous but, in my opinion, unethical to a criminal degree.
Keep your money and find someone whoโs actually trained as a licensed relationship counselor โ youโll be much better off in the long run, financially, emotionally, and psychologically.
What Term I Use Now
As much as I dislike the twin flame label, I do appreciate the value and power of relationships as a spiritual catalyst. I have an article dedicated to the many soul ties we experience in relationships.
Since Iโve dropped using the โtwin flameโ term, I much prefer the term โspiritual relationshipโ or even just soul mate, as that feels more accessible and available to everyone, not just a select few who pay $7777 in a workshop to be matched with their โtrue twin flameโ โ or through divine cosmic intervention happen to find โthe one.โย
Final Words
If youโve got this far, congratulations. I hope you feel more liberated from the twin flame idea by now โ since dropping the label, I certainly have! And Iโm never looking back.
Please be mindful and careful when navigating these murky waters.
Yes, there may be many well-intentioned, ethical people out there who talk about twin flames. But there are also many unethical and money-grabbing snakes out there ready to sink their teeth into the most desperate and lovesick among us, promising them fantasies and castles in the clouds.
Remember that twin flames wonโt and donโt complete you. Your wholeness doesn’t depend on finding another person โ this belief is a recipe for suffering, so let it go. True happiness and wholeness originate from within you.
You are the one youโve been waiting for.ย
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I’m 20 years old and have recently recognized my twin flame. We’ve known each other for a while now but have both just recently accepted that we’re twin flames. I cannot begin to explain the feeling. I am more than ecstatic. It’s the most euphoric heavenly feeling I’ve ever had. I’m more than on cloud9.
Great article!! Just came across the idea today and I’m wondering if my partner is my twin flame. He’s been there for so long and I always ended up coming back to him. When we began dating I had my doubts like you mentioned above but even when he’s not around I can feel his presence. He’s definitely the yin to my yang, all our friends describe us that way but we never judge our differences, we learn a great deal from each other. I can’t wait to research more in this topic! Thank you!
I don’t believe in this. I think everyone is unique, so there are similar souls and very different souls. And each has their own purpose in your life and you and only you chose whit whom you want to be in a relationship. It is that simple.
well what to say about me then? I have felt a strong connection with one person, and we had all the best things together, there was a lot of fighting cause he is unstable and yesterday he told me that he ALREADY has a twin soul, so how should I feel then if the experience with him has never happened to me before. wtfk I think this twin soul shit just is a story nobody can confirm and I am pissed cause it’s killing me, m’kay?
or should I just go for ”oops, already taken” mood or what? should I just move on even tho it feels like a HUGE part of me is already taken or should I be happy for him
Hi ksenija
I have a similar situation…
I believe someone to be my twin and he believes someone else is his…or at least that is what he says..
We have been friends for almost 2 years…sometime crossing the line…lived together like we were in a relationship for 6 months though neither of us acknowledged that it was a romantic relationship…always just saying friendship…I feel very connected to him almost magnetically…we seem like opposites though extremely comfortable in eachother a presence….
She (his supposed twin) came back into his life after 4 years about 5 months ago….I didn’t cope with the feeling of being pushed aside and he didn’t cope with my anxiety that I was losing him… but we managed to maintain our friendship after he moved out and had some time to himself…
He came and stayed with me for a month around Christmas….he’s now moved out again and is ignoring me…has shut me out completely with no real explanation…
Hello, My name is Lizzy and I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months. I have checked marked all of the twin soul signs mentioned above. It’s a bit ironic since I had been in a 12 year relationship previous to meeting him. And even though I loved this previous guy I never quite felt myself. I always hid my truest self for fear of rejection. It’s the complete opposite with the new guy. When I first met him, I had a nagging sensation I’d met him before, I thought real hard about where I had seen his face and couldn’t pin it down.
We truly complement each other, he’s outgoing and loves to constantly share via media outlets. Me on the other hand prefer to keep the shares to a minimum. He has some feminine aspects and I have masculine ones. It’s as if we are both whole and hence the reason we are ready for each other.
The other day he confessed that even though sometimes I don’t stay connected to technology something that would usually irritate him, he accepts me because he sees that being organic and in the moment also has its benefits. I couldn’t agree more.
Hi,
I have a great book suggestion ‘The Barn Dance’ written by the well known Author ‘James Twyman.
According to my understanding this is a twin flame story. I have read this book 4 times already. Here is my review:
https://wordpress.com/post/mirrorsouls.wordpress.com/105
I have met my twin flame. He knew me 5 minutes into our first interaction and had been waiting for me his whole adult life, knowing his mirror soul was out there. I was sidetracked by a different relationship at that time and it still only took me 2 e-mails to feel the connection. Two very innocuous emails… Once we did connect we couldn’t stop connecting – like a magnetic force was drawing us together on all levels (still is).
I have often wondered whether I was somehow deranged… the emotional and spiritual leaps I’ve made both because of being with him and in order to be with him would be deemed insane and unhealthy by almost everybody. But this is who I am and who we are… he is the single most important relationship in my life. I love my children to death and would gladly give my life or give him up even if I felt it was necessary for their health and happiness, but I don’t feel that kind of connection with them. My children are separate people, separate souls who I need to nurture and protect so they can become who they were meant to be… he is the sun and the moon and the earth (yeah, insane – told you). With him I understood and was able to empathize with women who leave their families and children to be with their lovers. I would not do that myself, but I get it. I feel for them where I used to condemn them. My relationship with him has given me empathy and understanding that I never knew I was capable of.
We are best friends and lovers, although distance and age separates us. We can be completely ourselves with each other. He tells me I’m the only person in his life with whom he is who he is, not playing a role. He takes care of me and I take care of him in whatever way is possible. We often think of or do the same thing… we seem to read each other’s minds a lot.
He doesn’t feel that he would be a good partner for me to share my life with. At 20 years my senior he feels old and set in his ways. I disagree, but I accept that this is who he is and how he feels. In time I know I will forgive him, too – once I stop wallowing in self-pity and feelings of loss and regret. :) It’s been too soon I guess – we just recently had the conversation where I finally accepted and acknowledged his choice and he confirmed it. I now know that if I do find someone to share my day-to-day life with someday, he will be there for me every step of the way. So there’s that.
I find this whole Twin Flame/Soulmate thing very fascinating…I always had a sense of emptiness, I never really understood it, still not sure if do but everything I am reading on this subject is making more and more sense. About 9 months ago, I met a guy, at first meet we hugged ( I immediately felt my blood heat up and charge through my body). It was a feeling I only dreamed about…and reading these 20 signs and numerous other articles that list signs are pretty consistent and my experience I would have to say I have met him. Anyway from the start he made it a point to tell me he wasn’t looking for a relationship or commitment, funny thing is I wasn’t either. We both had major breakups years before…and I’m pretty sure we broke up with our exes in the same year and they both cheated on us. Our stories were pretty similar but neither of us got into the major details. It was funny because months before I had a dream I didn’t understand until I actually met him. But that is getting way off my concern…I’m still ok with not having a conventional relationship, we still have somethings we need to work on separately but instead of him just seeing what is in store, he said his feelings aren’t growing (I’d say this, if you don’t spend a lot of time together nothing can grow). We have both talked briefly and at no length that we have a connection, things feel familiar, we get on, we like spending time together, we like each other as people, blah blah, but he wants to remain close friends. Its bizarre, like some force is tearing us apart but he isn’t aware of it. Anyway…I’m hoping the time apart will help him realize things, and he gets closure of the things he is still looking for closure for. He wanted to give me time to get over the pain and allow me to process it all, and see if I can remain friends with him. Well, duh, he thought I would hate him, I’m just really confused and sad but I would never hate him. I’m taking the space, I am trying to still process, and work on those things that he had brought my vulnerability out and I hope that he realizes when I would bring out his vulnerability it was coming from the most loving place and I was always there to support, help, guide, and love. My insecurities make me Scared As Hell!!! I hope this post makes sense, I get a little rambling.
I think I have just met my twin flame. The first few months with him were complete bliss despite us knowing that he would have to leave in the summer. He is planning to ordain as a Buddhist monk in Thailand for a minimum of 2 months with no intentions of returning to the states and even with this knowledge we couldn’t stay away. We’re incredibly young and ended our sexual relationship months ago but the fire is still there and I wonder if it will ever go. I’ve tried to branch out and date other guys but it all feels so fake in comparison. I’m sure that I will be over him soon enough but something deep in me says that we will meet again.
This is the most beautiful and painful experience that I have ever had and the only thing I’ve been so unsure of is what to do romantically in the time being. I don’t want to cut myself off from other connections and opportunities but everything else feels like a waste.
Thank you for this article. I am sure I have met my Twin flame, but didn’t recognize it for what he was at first. We have known each other for 3 years. I was in a relationship when we met. Something about him struck me. I could feel his energy. I could feel his emotions and I would mirror them. We couldn’t stand each other at first. Then about a year ago, not long after my relationship ended, we mended our fences. But the connection was still there. I told him about it. He never acknowledge on his part, but I think he feels it to. We are so comfortable around each other and joke about how we used to hate each other. We are able to work through our differences because we recognize our limitations. We work better as a team and we have both changed for the better. Our connection has gotten stronger. To the point that when we are apart I can feel him as if he is standing next to me. Often I can just think about him and will get a call or text from him. Recently he has said things that lead me to believe he can feel my energy as well. We know each other so well. We are not romantically involved, but there is attraction. He is my best friend. I have this overwhelming desire to always wanting to be 100% honest with him. Which is a good thing!!! Anyway…I just wanted to share my story.