What is a soul mate exactly and is it true that we all have one that we are destined to meet?
When most of us picture a soul mate couple, we tend to think of Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, and the intense, impassioned, and whirlwind romance that defined their relationships (and left us with painful throbbing hearts). But while these exhilarating and often tragic love stories gave us a glimmer of hope that our own love stories could be just as enchanting, in reality we struggle with romances that are lackluster at best and completely incompatible at worst.
While some of us have gone through as many relationships as tissues in a box, others of us have had sparse but long-term relationships that wound up ending, and finally, some of us have never had a relationship, ever. So what’s the deal with this whole soul mate thing? And why do so few of us end up with the “ideal” partner or soul connection?
What is a Soul Mate (REALLY)?
There are so many misconceptions about soul mates out there due to wishful thinking and idealism. For example, let’s do a game. Here it is: in the next few seconds I want you to pause and try to define what a “soul mate” is … one, two, three … pause … reflect.
What is a soul mate to you?
To most people (and most likely to you too), soul mates are generally thought of as people who stick by your side forever – we’re talking your entire lifespan. They’re also idealized as people who complete you and make your life infinitely better than it once was. While this may be true in some respects, in others it isn’t.
So what is a soul mate? In my experience, this is what really defines a soul mate:
- Soul mates are your best friends. They’re also your romantic and sexual partners. (You can also have very deep connections with friends, family members and animals – I refer to these as soul friends – but other people also refer to them as soul mates).
- Soul mates are your mirrors. They reflect back to you your own flaws, insecurities, dreams and strengths to help you grow to the fullest. You can rely on them to be honest with you, completely honest, even to the point of not sparing your feelings because they care about you that much.
- Soul mates are your spiritual catalysts. They don’t complete you, but they do help you to become the best version of yourself possible. Why don’t they complete you? Because you are already complete at your core, and throughout the course of your life you are in the process of rediscovering that.
- Soul mates are your confidants and teachers. Sometimes the lessons they teach are intentional, but often the lessons they teach are unintentional and are a by-product of your relationship with them. Because they understand you so deeply, soul mates also make powerful confidants, helping you through tough times and inspiring you to do and be your very best.
- Soul mates feel very “familiar.” This is possibly because you have spent many past lives with them. Something between the two of you just clicks, as though you have been friends and lovers forever.
- Soul mates often know you better than you know yourself. Therefore, they can empathize with you at a core level.
- Soul mates vibrate at the same frequency as you. This is just a fancy way of saying that soul mates not only share your likes, tastes and goals, but they also share your deeper life values, beliefs and dreams. You both “get” each other on a DNA level.
- Soul mates love you unconditionally. You also love them unconditionally. Although it may not be possible for soul mates to always stay together, it is impossible for soul mates to harbor feelings of hatred for each other for long periods of time. Despite what they do, you still love them, and they still love you.
- Soul mates aren’t perfect. They have their annoying flaws, gross habits and strange quirks, but they are still amazing people deep down.
- Soul mates aren’t always immediately recognizable. Love at first sight isn’t a myth, but it also isn’t the only way you can discover who your soul mate is. Often soul mates appear in various “disguises” in our lives.
- Soul mates don’t always stay with you for a lifetime. This is an extremely harmful myth that I’d love to squash once and for all! Soul mates don’t always stay until the end, but this is not a bad thing. We like to think that our lovers will be there forever because it is a comforting and sentimental thought. But sometimes life has different plans for us. Unfortunately the destruction of this ideal has wrought untold amounts of misery in people’s lives that I have witnessed firsthand. Sometimes soul mates are there for only a season, and sometimes they are there for a lifetime. But whatever the case, enjoy the ride.
- There is the possibility to find multiple soul mates – although most people only tend to find one person who they are deeply compatible with. I personally have never had more than one soul mate/twin flame, so I can’t speak from experience. But I have known other people who have claimed to have had multiple profound relationships.
Do We ALL Have Soul Mates?
This is a difficult question to answer because it depends on your level of soulful maturity. Can a reactive, materialistic and self-hating person stuck in old patterns of dogmatic belief and fear-driven world perceptions find a soul mate? It isn’t likely. Why? Because in order to authentically give love, you must first have some amount of self-love. And in order to welcome the unsettling changes and ego-dissolution that soul mates bring, you need to be in an open-minded, receptive, and trusting place.
I believe that everyone has at least one soul friend in life, and we all have many soul teachers (discover what soul friends and teachers are here), but soul mates …? Attracting a person into your life who is genuinely compatible with you requires soul work. How can you discover who your soul mate is without firstly knowing who you really are and what you really want out of life deep down? You’ll always be scrambling around in the dark.
This is the precise reason why so many people struggle to find “The One” in their lives: because of their abject lack of self-knowledge, understanding and love. So many of us carry this belief that someone or something else outside of ourselves will “complete us” when all along the answers lie within us. Soul mates just help us to realize this by opening our hearts through the power of love.
So my answer is this: we all have the opportunity to find soul mates, but we don’t always have the capacity. How can I understand what a soul mate is if I don’t yet have any understanding of the soul? How can I experience the unconditional love of a soul mate union when I continue to hate myself and other people?
Of course, I’m not saying that you have to be perfect or enlightened to find your soul mate, but you do need to be actively undergoing the process of spiritual evolution. Our mindsets and our values determine our reality. If I have the mindset of being poor and destitute, my emotional life will reflect that. If I value fame, status and money, my reality will reflect that whether it be through my big million dollar mansion or my impoverished relationships – or both.
Conclusion
You may or may not have the capacity to find a soul mate at the moment, I don’t know. But if you’re pretty confident that you do have the capacity – keep holding on to that confidence. Sometimes life makes us wait for reasons beyond our comprehension, but the reasons are always wise and for our own good. On the other hand, if you don’t feel as though you have the capacity to find a soul mate at the moment, don’t fret. As I said above, you can soulfully mature through the process of cultivating self-love, understanding and acceptance. This will open the door to many exciting possibilities in your life.
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Finally, don’t overlook the possibility that you may have already found your soul mate! I have known quite a few people who for many years were completely oblivious to the fact that they had already found “The One.” Unfortunately, they were continuing to chase useless, unrealistic ideals that blinded them to the beauty of what they had. So remember to investigate whether your soul mate is already in your life right now, right underneath your nose!
Why don’t you share with me below your own experience of finding – or not finding – your soul mate? Do you have any tips or recommendations of your own?
If you would like to continue reading about soul mates, feel free to explore below:
I found my soul mate in high school, we dated for 4 years before branching off on separate paths, but continued to love each other. Both of us agreed we would get back together when the time was right after a year of separation And tho we both attempted relationships with others, but there was only ever us. I could feel our time to reunite was close, I guess he had other plans. On the 11th of November I started experienced great chest pains and an empty feeling inside my gut. Being sad for no reason is common for me but this was a hole nother feeling. The next day I awoke to a message informing me he was dead. He was found in his yard leaning peacefully against the tree looking out into the lake with a smile on his face. It has left so many unanswered questions, especially so with there being no note. Though I almost feel as if we are together now.
Hi there, I think I may have already found two soul mates and possibly just found a third. The first was my ex, together for three years, perfect in every way except we had to split because he didn’t want children and I couldn’t rule them out, since this spilt (7 months ago) I have realised that I did want them but I am waiting for the right person. 5 months ago, I meet someone at a music festival, instantly we click and I bear my heart and soul to him in a way I never thought possible, we knew each other for 2 days. 3 months pass and we are back at the same festival we met at, he makes it clear that he doesn’t feel the same way. I leave the festival feeling good, and then it clicks, I had fallen unconditionally in love with him in those two days, but it took seeing him again to realise. I only felt the love once I knew he didn’t feel the same way which was odd. I wrote him a love letter and he confirmed what I thought, he was a good friend and that it is. Then the very last day of the same festival mentioned above, the second time, I meet another person, no instant connection that is intense but we seem to get on and he says s few things that resonate with me, we are now seeing each other sort of, it’s very early days but I already feel a connection growing and some of the similarities between us, it’s like he’s drawing the real me out of me, and the synchronicities! So many! What is happening I don’t know, if anyone out there would like to kindly offer me some reflections or comments I would be very grateful, thank you.
Very nice article. Where is the follow-up on how to actively find the soul mate? Can’t wait.
“…in reality we struggle with romances that are lackluster at best and completely incompatible at worst.” bingo
It’s hard to put into words the description of my soul mate. The one word that comes to mind that describes our relationship is comfort. I really feel like we are one person, like a bird with wings and we are the wings. I have never felt so comfortable with someone in my entire life. I can’t think of anything that we do separately. We love doing life together, side by side. Even the both of us are loners, which to me was hard to find. To me, we are soul mates and hope and pray that this relationship will continue after we die.
“I have never felt so comfortable with someone in my entire life” — definitely sounds like a soul mate Scott. What a wonderful connection it sounds like you have :)
I personally believe that a soulmate will always be there, even if you dont see them in years. But I also dont believe there is a specific ‘purpose’ for anything or anyone so the theory of someone leaving your life do to the fact that they served their purpose and you both learned a lesson doesnt apply to my original opinion.
I understand Jennifer. Purpose is of the mind, but I also believe that Life supports growth which is why I believe that soul mates help us to grow profoundly in many different areas. Thanks for reading. ;)
I would add one other definition. A soul mate can be an ‘honest enemy.’ By this I mean, someone with whom you share part of your current life’s journey who seems to be constantly at odds with you. This ‘conflict’ isn’t necessarily about destroying you or tearing you down but one that presents such challenges as would, IF we face them honestly, help us learn and grow. As I see it, this could be someone who has experienced a particular journey/challenge, learned the lesson and has now, through prior soul with you agreements, entered your life to ‘antagonize’ you in such a way you learn. Because of our resistance to not always hearing what we want, we might perceive them as an enemy.
In general I personally refer to these as soul teachers, particularly if we are constantly at odds with them and there is an underlying thread of antagonism in the relationship. Soul mates do challenge us, but never in deliberately negative ways.
I am just coming out of a relationship with a partner that seemed to be the closest to a Soul Mate that I have experienced…. The thing that baffles me though, is that I felt so much of what you describe above, especially regarding the Unconditional Love bit, but I don’t believe that she felt the same. It was soooo easy for me to love, respect, and accept EVERYTHING about her. However, most of it didn’t really seem reciprocal. Do you believe it is possible for a Soul Mate connection to be one-sided because one of them is still caught up in the web of unconscious conditioning?? She ended up being so triggered by me (just being myself) that she left the relationship without much of a word or trace… was/is emotionally devastating for me.
I’m sorry to hear that Satya. Could you connect on a very deep level, past surface likes, similarities, goals and tastes? If so, she was your soul mate. But if the connection was only one-sided and superficial it sounds as though she could have been a soul teacher/friend.
Unfortunately I am on the other side of your story, I can say that I had felt the connection but was too caught up in my unconscious web, as you described it.
The several reasons were because of personal past failures, hurt and imbalances in heart relationships that I had to start working on myself and release the suffocation. I was not able to love and solve at the same time even though he offered great help. After sharing my feelings with him he thought that the relationship was superficial.
Part of me still wanted to feel that I am not bounded, ‘free’.
Thank you for sharing that Sandra. That puts a much better perspective on it for me and it makes sense that to “love and solve” at the same time could be quite a challenge! The part that was most painful for me was that there was no communication about ending things or resolving things. Nothing.. It just ended. Not a word. Not an email. Simply gone. I was unfriended from Facebook and blocked from instagram. And this was after more than of a year of exploring, discovering and sometimes traveling together. Nothing has ever brought up my fear of abandonment issues more than this relationship! I have finally let go, and am moving on with my life, now believing it was fear-based action…
Thanks again for sharing your perspective! It really helps to see the “other side”.
I always felt there was something missing in my past relationships and I never felt complete, until I became a mother. I finally felt whole and when I saw this tiny human look at me with love in his eyes I finally began to love myself. I have now found the right man for me, I’m engaged and pregnant with baby number 2. Although my partner is my romantic soul mate I still feel my soul is most spiritually connected to my son.
Susie, I feel the exact same way!! I always felt something was missing in my life until my son came into my life….
I haven’t had a child yet, but you guys certainly make it sound appealing. :P x
First of all. I really love this article, Luna. I need one of this. Really.
But i want to ask something. Is it weird if i finally found that i don’t need another “human” to be my soulmate or my partner, instead of me, myself and i?
Cause, i’m lately have been thinking, that somewhere, in the future, that i’ll be okay and fine if i live alone and with several pets.
Please correct me if i am wrong, but is it all about self-love? Why do i have to get some loves from the other, when i think that i’ve got enough loves from myself?
I just realize that by the way. This take times for me to figure it out.
Oh, I missed the enlightenment from you and Mr.Sol. Want to feel that insightful feeling again.
Wish you guys the best!
Iqbal, this is extremely good news! If you don’t feel as though you need the love of another to be happy you have truly managed to find self-love and acceptance. Not all of us have a soul mate, but not all of us NEED a soul mate. It is far better to be content with your own company than pining for the love of another — although this is natural as most of us are social creatures. The more you are happy alone, the more genuine love you will be able to give to others.
I totally agree, 100%.
I also like the clarification of Carla Gadyt.
Great post!
Ta Lauren!
This is a hypothetical question. What if your soulmate is your therapist and both of you want to be with each other?
I definitely like the idea of multiple soul mates, the ‘ONE’ concept is just too exclusive, what about your parents? friends? the people in the cashier line to chit chat with? the girl that I have spent 3 years chatting with on Twitter about anime series? don’t they exist? aren’t they relevant connections?
I think Altheia was referring to these connections as “soul friends” rather than “soul mates”. All are very relevant connections and you can have many. But “soul mate” is one that you would have a life/sexual connection with as well.
Yep, as @callumbridgeford:disqus said, these are no less important than soul mates, but I would personally refer to them as soul friends because they touch something deeply in you, but they aren’t necessarily your “mates” (sexual/romantic partners). Of course, nothing is black and white and many times our connections with others overlap many categories.
being asexual panrromantic, these overlaps indeed confuse me
only recently I was able to conclude what I really want in a relationship, my life has gone in a fog of going with the flow, pretending to have things in common with people in front of me whether at school or in college, when in fact I have none, that was the reason all my relationships failed.
“others of us have had sparse but long-term relationships that ended up failing”. I like this article but don’t agree with this. No relationship “fails”. They happen for a purpose and when that purpose ends, the relationship ends. It fulfilled the purpose that it was meant for and yes it was successful in that respect.
I like your approach and agree with it Carla. I’m speaking from the perspective of other people I have met who suffer so much because they perceive their relationships as “failing” or being broken. Everything in life is a lesson for us and I believe that is a much healthier approach.
I love this article. It really is a fantastic description of what a soul mate is and what this all means. I have recently learned the difference between infatuation, and a deep soul connection. The part about the person seeming familiar to you, perhaps from previous lives particularly resonates.
Learning the difference between love and lust … a biggie! Also learning the difference between idealism and realism is hard as well. But I’m really happy you gleaned some useful insights from this article Callum. Thanks for commenting!