When we start our healing paths, spiritual journeys, and inner quests for living a meaningful life, we’re often taught that the ego is our #1 enemy.
The ego is the source of our suffering. The ego is out to undermine us. The ego destroys our every happiness.
You’ve heard it all before.
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And while that has some degree of truth, this teaching can actually be quite destructive.
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The Trap Nobody Talks About: You Can’t Transcend a Self You Never Built
When I first started the inner path, I was totally convinced that my ego was the enemy – and it resulted in me trying, both actively and passively, to seek its ultimate destruction for about a decade.
I was taught that killing your ego was meant to be a “spiritual” and “awakened” thing to do. It’s something that’s supposed to make you enlightened or free you from all your trauma.
What I didn’t realize until much later was that we actually need our ego to survive, set boundaries, and stay safe in the world. Yes, it can be a pain in the ass. But when you learn how to be mindful, it doesn’t have to overtake your life.
I’ve written about the dark side of non-duality and other dissociating spiritual paths before. But I’ll keep things simple here.
In the words of counselor and teacher John Bradshaw,
A strong integrated ego gives you a sense of confidence and control … Paradoxical as it may seem, your ego needs to be strong enough to let go of its limited defensiveness and control. You need a strong ego to transcend ego.
Let me repeat this message in my own words again. You need a strong sense of self before you can transcend that sense of self.
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Stop Trying to Dissolve Your Ego – You Don’t Even Have One Yet
Self-alienation is a major issue in our world.
Not only is it created by early life trauma, but this inner estrangement is also brought about simply by living in our modern society.
Technology, endless notifications, addictive social media, and fast-paced lifestyles have a way of dissociating us from ourselves, causing us to live externally-driven lives.
What’s worse is when we experience a crisis and become lone wolves in search of meaning and clarity, we still come up against self-alienating teachings – those that place our power in the hands of others.
But without having a clearly defined sense of self, and without having access to Self (with a capital ‘S’, aka, the Soul), we won’t get very far. It’s no wonder we keep feeling stuck, lost, or as though something is missing.
What’s missing is our own embodied and grounded sense of self!
In her book The Hero Within, author Carol S. Pearson writes,
Without a self, it really is not possible to either give much love or take it in. In the latter case, when people play a role to get love or respect—and hide who they really are (which may well be a mass of neediness)—they never really feel loved for themselves. It is the role that feels loved.
Even if you feel that you have a strong sense of self, go spend a couple of hours with your extended family or a group of strangers. Do you still feel secure and grounded within yourself? Or do you feel insecure, overwhelmed, easily hurt, or immediately enter a false role or mask?
That’s a sign that your ego isn’t as stable as you think it may be.
The Ego Isn’t Your Enemy – Self-Alienation Is
Self-alienation is Soul Loss – the loss of connection with your deeper self, which is at the heart of the Dark Night of the Soul. It is the dark core wound simmering beneath all anxiety, depression, and emptiness.
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It is also multifaceted. We can be both alienated from our little ‘s’ self (ego) and big ‘S’ Self (Soul). We can both lack a strong and healthy sense of “me and my boundaries” and be devoid of a sense of Greater Self.
Sure, the ego at first glance may appear to be the enemy. Those voices in your head saying mean things to you are unpleasant – no one would deny that.
But the deeper issue isn’t those nasty voices or even arrogance or stubbornness. It’s lacking a secure inner base. It’s never having a healthy or well-developed sense of self to begin with.
The real issue here is developing a false self in place of an authentic, or true self. And this all originates when we’re very little. I explore this more in my core wound post that explores the primal wound of separation.
Physician and author Charles Whitfield describes the process of self-alienation well,
When our alive True Self goes into hiding, in order to please its parent figure and to survive, a false, co-dependent self emerges to take its place. We thus lose our awareness of our True Self to such an extent that we actually lose awareness of its existence. We lose contact with who we really are. Gradually, we begin to think we are that false self—so that it becomes a habit, and finally an addiction.
How to Stop the Self-Alienation (and Develop a Healthier Sense of Self)
The older I get, the more deeply psychospiritual my approach to life becomes. We need both sides of the spectrum to thrive.
In psychology, developing a healthier and more robust sense of self is known as “ego strength.” This is the ability to maintain a strong sense of self and withstand stress, despite what life throws at you. Carl Jung called it “individuation.”
How do we develop a solid, grounded, healthy, and balanced sense of self? There are so many avenues – and this website is full of them:
- Commit to journaling every day. (Start with these inner work journals.)
- Take quality personality tests and learn more about yourself. (See these tests.)
- Discover your deeper core needs, values, wounds, and beliefs. (See the Soul Work Compass Course.)
- Regularly spend time in solitude to get to know yourself.
- Set boundaries and learn how to say no.
- Lay off mind-altering psychedelics (aka, LSD, psilocybin, mescaline, cannabis, DMT).
- Do grounding and embodying meditation, like focusing on your breath or body scans (skip the “ego killing” kinds).
- Spend time around safe people/pets with whom you feel relaxed – those who can mirror you.
- Avoid dissociating spiritual paths (aka, astral projection, neo-advaita teachings, holotropic breathwork, kundalini yoga, etc.)
- Work with somatic and nervous system healing-oriented paths.
- Try bibliotherapy (reading to rediscover yourself) and using the tarot as a form of therapeutic self-discovery (non-divinatory).
- Learn how to practice self-care and take time to slow down each day.
Let me know if I’ve missed any and suggest them in the comments. ;)
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For further reading on this topic, I recommend the following posts:
- What is the Ego? Should it Be Destroyed?
- Why You Need to Forget Positivity, Keep Your Ego and Embrace Your Darkness
- The Silent Trauma of Self-Alienation: Why You Feel Like a Stranger in Your Own Skin
Tell me, what is your experience with “ego killing” and self-alienation? If you have a weak sense of self, what makes the experience worse? I’d love to hear in the comments.
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Without a doubt, this is the best place I have ever been in all these years (the writings are wonderful). With all due respect to the various spiritual traditions — and I won’t name them, since my intention is not to create controversy, and everyone should adhere to whatever best suits them — I must say that this idea of dissolving the ego feels surreal, especially nowadays, when people no longer follow pre-established social rules faithfully.
I can say that I was also misled, and even harmed, by this notion of ego dissolution and union with the Whole. I ended up suffering even more and felt lost, believing that I simply could not be myself. All those years of suffering were caused precisely by the lack of self-knowledge and by trying to adapt to others. This led to insecurity and doubt about my own abilities, which consequently generated my sense of inadequacy (something that would harm me greatly in later years).
To believe that the ego is the root of our problems is to ignore the fact that we are different selves, with distinct genetics, life experiences, values, and beliefs. Even though it sounds beautiful to speak of Oneness or the Whole — as if our personal sufferings were mere illusions, and that renouncing ourselves would allow us to live fully — it is a dangerous trap. It is obvious that there will be people who dislike us, that traumas will occur along our journey, and that we will also have our own preferences and worldviews, often misunderstood by others.
Perhaps the real issue lies in contemporary problems: the “isms,” such as egotism, but not the ego itself. Although today there are many criticisms of Modernity — and indeed there are contradictions and points to be challenged — the self, that is, the possibility of being yourself and affirming yourself as such, is one of humanity’s greatest achievements. You no longer need to blindly follow everything external, but rather, through your own eyes, discern what is good for you and what is not.
I believe there is great confusion today around concepts such as freedom, power, self-confidence, vulnerability, and so on. Power is often mistaken for the absence of vulnerabilities, as if it were an unshakable ideal of perfection. In reality, power is precisely about embracing your vulnerabilities — what Carl Jung would call integrating your shadow — as part of your Self, and moving forward with courage and resilience, even in the face of criticism and the hardships life imposes. It is not about being aggressive or invasive, but about having confidence in yourself, knowing that your vulnerabilities are simply traits that make you unique.
Perhaps what some call ego dissolution should be reinterpreted as what the Stoics referred to as ataraxia — the imperturbability of the soul (something like not allowing ourselves to be dominated by external events, while practicing inner serenity, without ceasing, of course, to express our feelings). It is precisely this inner healing that leads us to the fullness of ourselves, as we learn to accept and love ourselves unconditionally, without external validation, and to live with greater peace of mind.
That is why the search is individual, without ready-made formulas: because our Self experiences and lives situations that do not make us One with the Whole, but rather, it is our Whole that makes us One — unique.