The Deeper Meaning Behind Being a Loner

I used to be a very talkative person; but then I moved to school in different area and my life completely changed; people were so hostile to me when I talked; im a talkative person and I enjoy talking, but …. I don’t know… when I talked I faced so much hostility; I remember I was doing some training and I was on a post with two other guys; the wholllleee time they were insulting me and degrading me; It was mind boggling to me at the time and I had sooo many things running through my head; why are they treating me like this? what did I do to deserve this? why are they being so hostile to me? is it because I refused to do what they told me to do a couple weeks ago during training? why? eventually I moved on and went to a different location for school; I was still recovering from the hostility I faced at my previous school but I still had a desire to talk.
the next school sealed the deal; I used to live in a common room with 5 other people; I remember one day, like 2 or 3 of them ganged up on me and told me they didn’t like me and they wanted to switch to another room because they didn’t like me; im not sure why they didn’t like me; I don’t remember instigating anything hostile to them so I couldn’t understand why they didn’t like me; the next day those 2 or 3 guys left the room and moved somewhere else and I felt soooo bad because I felt like they left cause of me. I never had so many people gang up on me and tell me they disliked me at the same time. and why? because I talked to them? what did I do to deserve this? I also had another guy randomly walk up to me and say he wanted to kick my ass.
after that, the deal was sealed. I stopped talking to people, I didn’t associate with others, and I was quiet and alone. life still went on; I met other people throughout my life and became friends with them but I was soooo much more quiet; there would be days where I would just keep to myself and talk to absolutely no one. everyone would be in their groups, talking to each other, and I would be the only one alone. after my past experiences, I just didn’t want that any more; I would rather be alone than face that hostile behavior again.
to this day im still scarred, and ive been reading loner posts if to see if others felt the same way I did.
also, people just got nothing interesting to say, so I have no reason to talk lol

I can’t believe that I found this article just now. I could write a book on the ostracizing that I went through throughout grade and high school. Not to bring race into it (I’m only using this as an example), but if you think being a Caucasian male/female loner is hard? How about a primarily African-American male who doesn’t speak slang or prefers university, books and computer games over sex?

I’ve had a Christian upbringing, and wasn’t truly exposed to pop culture and other things until high school, and I’ve been labeled as the dreaded Class Fall Guy from minute one. Back then (and this still rings true today) African-American children in Philadelphia and possibly everywhere else weren’t exactly known for making bi-weekly trips to several libraries, going on walks through Center City, researching public transportation history (I loved public transit history and networks as a hobby) and other things; the latest things at time were sports, girls, Married With Children, West Coast hip-hop, rap and New Jack Swing. Back then, as an African-American male, if you didn’t speak a certain way, act a certain way or follow everyone’s perceived stereotypes of what you were “supposed” to be, you were a “faggot” or “gay” even though one’s behavior had nothing to do with sexual orientation. As you can guess, I was doomed the minute I opened my mouth, because the words “ah-ight”, “nigger” and “yo dawg” just WEREN’T in my vocabulary. You can imagine the fights I was forced to defend myself in back then, including an ice ball fight that sent me to the hospital. Everyone just hated me because to them, I wasn’t anywhere close to what their view of an African-American is; instead I was a quiet, black nerd who didn’t want to be with others (gee, I wonder why)?

High school wasn’t the first time that I acted preferably as a “lone wolf”; in middle school I also got into fights simply because my peers found me as easier prey. Back then I responded with violent verbal outbursts and the school district ordered my single mother to take me to psychoanalysts. They found that my desires to be left alone “not reasonable”. I eventually lied to them just to get it over with, stating that I needed more time with my mother (boy, city school district employees were inept), and I was eventually left alone by the teachers, but not with the kids.

My adult life as a lone wolf has NOT helped in the real world, at least not with my peers. As a former Accounts Payable Team Lead for a large medical university in Philadelphia, I was given a middle-management position but was absolutely abhorred by my peers because of it. The women of the office would joke constantly about my sexual orientation and about how ugly I was (we’re talking about DANGEROUS, foul-mouthed Amazons, here); meanwhile I’d be slaving away on tasks that no one else wanted to do. Mandatory office parties were the bane of my existence, especially since people would watch and comment on what food I was eating (once I actually brought something in as a social gesture but when people found out that I had baked it [a Vegan Chocolate Cake] they backed away from it).

I kept asking to be transferred to other departments but the director of operations knew that once I left, he’d have no “office wallflower” to heap the unwanted tasks on, so they kept adjusting my pay when all I wanted to be given another position and to be left alone. My only breaks from the back-stabbing, ladder-climbing HELL that was the office were my four hours of commuting each day to and from work and my out-of-pocket Paralegal Studies classes at night. They were the only times that I could truly be left alone to think, enjoy the music that I liked and (in class) intelligently express myself.

The more I avoided office politics (at one point I openly stated that I simply wanted to be left alone and even demanded a demotion that would remove me from any office politics or social interaction altogether). Right after my request was granted, an employee left the department and the director stated that I had no choice but to accept the position. When the others found out, even the ACCOUNTANTS joined in on the comments and jokes. After I finally lost it and shouted one swear word towards an employee that had been insulting me to my face for seven years (I just took it because I had been enduring stuff lie that all my life), the director ordered me to see the company therapist, stating that there was something wrong with ME and my anti-social behavior. Five months later, after that same woman and two of her friends launched false allegations against me (they claimed that I stated that guns should be allowed in the office…!?) I finally got up and walked out without a single word after meeting with the department heads, thinking that (it was 2010 and the economic downturn and unemployment rates were in full swing) I would rather be unemployed than take the abuse, simply because I refused to follow the herd and put on a false face like everyone else.

I’ve had hard times since then as well. One temporary assignment was about to hire me as a permanent staff member but the employees of the company hated the parent company of which one of the supervisors there was one of my superiors. The office people hated ME as a result because I wouldn’t join in on their child-like protests against the parent company. I eventually told my supervisor that I didn’t want the job.

In another temporary job, the office women were calling me “gay” and stating that “well, from the way he talks and the way he acts, at least he won’t be picking any of us up”. WHAT!? I was simply doing what my temporary supervisor was asked and was following orders; I didn’t have time to trash-talk or use “pick up lines; I WAS A TEMPORARY EMPLOYEE! I immediately called the temp agency and in less than than five weeks they found something else for me.

Today, African-American males at age 36 aren’t exactly known for STILL preferring to visit libraries, having large book collections, using Macintoshes, fixing PCs and slaving at coursework (maintaining a 3.8 GPA) over drinking, sports, having sex with everything in a skirt (or with ANYONE, I just think that the actual act of sex is just…). Anyway, even as an adult student at a Midwestern liberal arts university (I gladly left Philadelphia and will never see it’s dirty, gritty streets or it’s dirty, gritty, racist people again) I still face animosity because I just can’t stand the idea of working or socializing in a group, though when I work alone, my grades tend to be higher. Even as I type, I’m struggling with the notion of joining a club which will guarantee a internship to fulfill graduation requirements even though I can’t stand groups.

I’ve been ostracized by groups, called names by groups, been singled out in mandatory social group settings…I just can’t stand groups. But when I’m alone, I have inner peace. 80s music sounds better, term projects gain more satisfaction, and my hobbies are more satisfying when it’s me and me alone working on and completing them. Yet the world hates me because of it.

Am I selfish? Perhaps. But it’s not selfish when people refuse you for YOU, so instead of changing to suit THEM, you keep YOU to YOURSELF.

A great blog and once I’m free from the stress of courses I intend to subscribe and follow it.

James M. Wallace
The Lone Wolf
Springfield, OH

I am very confused with so much of my life. I have been alone for most of my life, being rejected by society. Yet, I enjoy the time I have alone. I enjoy thinking for myself and not making decisions based on others. I enjoy the silence and how everything I can do is within my grasp.

I’ve been alone for so long that I cannot understand the mindless and ridiculous ways that most people my age live by today. Yet, when people are with their friends, they are happy and show it. I do not know if I wish for friends just to have happiness just like this or for the need to be accepted. I have many friends online and I’m widely accepted in numerous sites. I enjoy the time I spend with them and feel good when talking with them. I don’t understand why I seek real life friends when I can not tolerate the ways many people live by today.

The most recent example was an event at my college yesterday. People were playing sports with each other and having a BBQ together. When I joined in the sport, people did not take notice of me and I felt invisible. When I joined people to eat in the BBQ, I was all alone and ate alone. I felt depressed being alone while other were so happy to be with their friends. But then I went back to my room and spent the remaining 8 hours of the day alone. I enjoyed that and was happy with it.

I am so confused to the extent of not knowing what I’m confused about. I enjoy my time alone. I do not what to be profane or idiotic like most people my age. Yet, I am attracted to the happiness they have. But I have my own happiness when I’m alone and I forget about the outside world. I feel depressed when I’m alone in public. But I am ok when I am alone in my room doing my usual activities. I do not know if this is just society trying to change me to be a sheep like everyone else or what.

I think society confuses those who prefer to be alone, with those who are alone because they don’t have sufficient empathy to get along with others. Empathy = mental illness such as sociopathy.

I really don’t have a problem with my loneness. I didn’t realize others had a problem with it till I heard my neighbor talking outside the other day saying how they don’t understand how someone can be alone so much and it isn’t natural. I laughed. For one, this person suffers from NPD so I don’t ever expect them to understand when they have to rely on the perceptions of others. Plus they don’t know that my apartment is too tiny to have visitors, and I go out for my socializing.

I think loneness is a threat to others. When you don’t need the opinions and input from others, you don’t have any weaknesses. Someone not having weaknesses don’t have any threats. I truly don’t care what others think. Not in a goth/emo rebellion to society sort of mentality, but I really don’t care.

But to equate the lonewolfe as not having empathy or caring about people is a misconception. At least to my friends and myself, many who are lonewolfs. In fact, we care about people very much. We care about their health, wellbeing and safety. It is the individual we can have problems with. All of us work in fields that directly help people.

I do have some socialization. It is not a rejection of society. I get my social needs met at work. Because I have friends there who I don’t have to fake being around. I can be myself, so it isn’t as draining.

And that is what it comes down too. Loneness is a freedom for us, not a constraint. I find that having to fake to conform to social niceitees, to watch everything you say or do and to behave in a way that gets along, to be very, draining. The loneness is my decompression.

I find that among my friends and I that are loners, we are all highly intelligent. So I think we preceive more of the fakeness, the behaving for the approval of others, to be artificial and demanding. We need the loneness to be who we are. Except when around other like minded people.

In a nutshell, people’s need to get along, be social, and seek approval in social interactions, is below that of lonewolfs. It is something that we perceive as a weakness, not the other way around. And to not have that need, is a threat and a reminder to others that they do.