Traditionally, the media has been known to equate loners with mentally ill psychotics who go on murderous rampages.
And while, yes, sure, there are some disturbed ‘loners’ out there, the reality is that …
most loners are totally normal people!
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If you find yourself alone and without friends or family to rely on, I want to assure you that you’re actually in good company.
In the age of social media, global pandemics, and increasing disconnection, being a loner is becoming more common.
But there is a deeper meaning behind this solitude.
And I’ll explore that in this post.
Table of contents
9 Signs You’re a Loner
Being a loner sounds self-explanatory. But for clarity sake, here’s a list of signs that you’re a loner:
- You enjoy spending time alone more than with other people.
- You can’t connect with (or don’t have any) family members.
- You can’t connect with (or don’t have any) friends.
- You’re introspective and tend to be an introvert.
- You like to take life slowly, and the world can feel overwhelming.
- You’re a free spirit who loves independence.
- You tend to have interesting quirks.
- You have the strong desire to walk your own path as a lone wolf.
- You’re the black sheep of the family.
We also have a loner test that you can take if you’re still unsure.
Myths About Loners
Here are some common myths about loners:
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- “Loners hate people”
- “All loners lack social skills”
- “Loners are secretly plotting your death”
- “Loners are lonely people”
- “Loners are creepy”
- “Loners are all mentally ill”
Sure, while some loners might possess some of these qualities, these are not blanket statements or truths that apply to all loners.
Why Being a Loner Can Be Empowering
It’s true that as a species, we require some level of social connectedness.
Don’t worry, that will come with time!
Sometimes we’re in a space in life where we just need to retreat from the world. We need to process our thoughts and feelings, and figure out our ‘true north.’
So to counteract the previous section (those myths are widely spread and can make lonesome people feel horrible), here are some ways being a loner actually helps you:
- Being a loner helps you to develop more self-awareness
- Being a loner supports you in finding the meaning of life
- Being a loner helps you to recover from social overwhelm
- Being a loner gives you space and perspective
- Being a loner helps you to figure out your passions and interests
- Being a loner helps you to develop more independence and self-reliance
- Being a loner makes you a deeper and more interesting person
- Being a loner helps you to find your self-worth within
Can you think of any more ways that being a loner is empowering? Share in the comments!
The Deeper Meaning Behind Being a Loner
There’s a reason why this website is called ‘lonerwolf’ – it has a deeper meaning that is directly related to being a loner. And that is …
At some point in life, we must all leave the herd and find our own paths.
We must become lone wolves.
We must listen to the calling to reconnect with our Souls.
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The world can be a busy, overwhelming, pressuring, and confusing place. For those who feel a deeper spiritual calling emerge within their being, solitude is natural and needed.
In many cases, loners are empaths and old souls who are on the soul searching path. Being alone is, quite simply, a crucial part of their life path.
So in a nutshell, that is the deeper meaning behind being a loner: it’s a sign that you’re on the spiritual journey and you need the space to figure out who you are and what you want out of life.
***
If you’d like to read more about inner growth, walking your own path, and spiritual evolution, keep digging into this website. There are so many free resources and guides for you to benefit from. One related article you might enjoy is our introvert article.
Tell me, why are you a loner? What is the deeper meaning for you?
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im a loner and love it my brothers a loner and loves it i couldnt imagine being pretend freinds with the usual pretend BS at work and so called social areas of life
i like watching people developer these needy pretend freindships its so sad, i am now living in a totally new place were the culture is small mindedness and everyone knowing each others bizniz A ISLAND IN THE SEA with 60k people on it
dont get me wrong having friendly thoughtful types around is lovely BUT IM STILL A LONER thru and thru
i started at a new job here and so did a rather posh university graduate in the office,she has become one of the gang at work thru pure fakness like getting up and joining in with people she only new 3 minutes LOL to sing at the xmas work party, watching this i need to be accepted thing unfold before me was funny as i like to study people im a person watcher like to see there mask slip….
i have 3 kids and was a dedicated dad but still a loner but family wise not,my family broke down because there mother was mentally ill and a secret gambling addict she stole thousands from me and my mother,even defrauded her eill when she died and stole the funerwl funds SHE WAS VERY SICK
after i ended up alone my kids have turned out rotten to people have said how do you shrug it all off and just live on I REPLY I WAS A LONER THEN I AM NOW BEING ALONE DOESNT BOTHER ME
i have a partner and step kids but live as tho alone everyone accepts it my misses loves the way i am a happy go lucky kindly soul with out a single friend I COULDNT GIVE A TOSS im happy being a jurk to others
nothing bores me more than PRETEND HAPPINESS like new years partys and that kind of FORCED ON ME BS…
give me hard power walks exercise movies a games console a tv and some great sex I COULDNT CARE LESS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS the most amazing inteligent loving people iv ever met are loners
my brother has one freind and me his brother he lets say makes his living a wee bit noughty he helps people lets say get a smoke wink wink
he interacts with these people to make his living then is totally alone AND COULDNT CARE LESS he likes nothing better than being alone counting his money GOOD FOR HIM
he isnt mean or selfish he does huge fire work nights every year and invites familys and kids they turn up or they dont HE IS A NICE PERSON if no one came he would happily dobthe fire works for his own entertainment and couldnt care less
us loners are great people
Loners are often some of the most genuine people — that is often why they prefer to be alone. Thanks for sharing getagrip.
Well, I favor them over social people, especially since I have a hard time trusting others sometimes.
I really liked this article, and this is only one of many very good ones on this site. I think I like your writings also because they seem to come from a place of peace and calm, which (or the opposite of it) I usually tend to sense when I read stuff :)
I really resonate with this, I think I could say I’m a loner, but the description of involuntary vs. voluntary made me think a bit, because there had been times in my life when I was convinced that what would make me happy is to go and meet people, and I felt a some kind of obsessive urge to do this, blaming myself constantly of “doing the wrong thing” when not going out and choosing to stay alone.
But actually a few weeks ago it came to me that when I was a child, it used to be quite natural to me to play alone, do stuff alone. Yes, I’d been playing with other children as well, but I was mostly the “silent observer”, and it didn’t seem to bother me back then. But I also remember that my parents were constantly telling me that I should go out to play much more with other children, I should be more sociable, that it’s not good if I am a loner etc etc. So my wild guess is that this might have somehow programmed it into my mind that being alone = not good, and it might have been the source of later self-blaming, and suffering when I actually did something that would have made me happy (doing stuff alone), but there was that underline programming of something is not right, I should do things differently.
I’m very sensitive as well, and maybe also an empath, not sure – spending a long time with people gets me exhausted, emotionally and physically.
Lately I started getting in touch with myself more and more, and I would say that now I am in a phase of internal fight between some old values/programming and my true desires. So this makes spending time with people even more exhausting lately. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy their company, but I need to have “escape” plans :)
It sounds as though you are in the stage of duality and uncertainty Andrea, but I’m really happy that this articles, and the others I have written, can help you on this process of self-discovery. To me it does seem like your parents had a major influence in your perceptions towards being alone — most people’s parents influence them in such ways unfortunately. It’s amazing how these beliefs stick with us for a large portion of our lives, and sometimes for our entire lives if we are not aware. Fortunately you are becoming aware and are well on your way to healing and self-acceptance. I hope this site can help you in whatever way possible!
Thanks for replying. Yes, I’m in a stage of duality but the beautiful part is that I am starting to appreciate even the internal fight I’m having, as it helps me (re)discovering myself. And it is amazing how allowing yourself more and more to be who you are gives you a boost of energy and makes you feel really alive. I think I’m starting to discover this hidden life energy inside me, by releasing parts of me which I have been busy keeping below surface and this required some huge efforts. It is a really exciting journey :)
It is! Invigorating, and full of ups and downs. Best wishes. :)
im in a similar situation like james, a black male, getting ready for college, but the difference is that I goto a Christian school, a baptist christian school. I find it to be hard for me because the very people who goto church, and claim Jesus, act so fake the rest of the week, and when you call them out on it, they gang up on me, and tell me their doctrine ,without the bible and wont listen to any other side. When I first came to that school, I was a lone, and i tried to be a loner here, they forced me to socialize, and now, my senior year, theyre now saying im talking to much, and when i do speak, i just speak brutal truths to them. i dont understand my generation….. please help
Hamtaro, I grew up surrounded by Christians — I went to 2 Christian schools, and I went to a Christian church every.single.week. Through all the years I accumulated, I realized that believing in Jesus doesn’t make you a better person — it simply gives you hope and a sense of security in this life that if anything bad happens, you will go to a nice place after you die.
The problem with Christian doctrine and teaching is that it doesn’t teach you how to love and respect yourself — it teaches you how to deny yourself, become a martyr in life at the expense of your well-being, and teaches you to be sad for all the sins you constantly commit but hopeful that you will be forgiven. It is impossible for the people at your school to be kind, just as what Jesus teaches, because the modern interpretation of Jesus’ message does not teach self-love. How can we love others if we first don’t learn to love ourselves first? The kids in your school are just a product of this.
Many people avoid the truth because it is so painful. Therefore, when you speak brutal truths, you are constantly positioning yourself as the “dislikeable person who makes everyone feel uncomfortable.” The reality is that you can never ever change another person unless THEY first decide to change themselves. You can’t force anyone to do anything. So it is better to stop trying as you will save yourself from wasted effort. The only person you can work on is yourself.
what about being betrayed, by your so called friend at that school?
i did like the pastor daughter but she got my friend to manipulate me because he liked her, and she like him. she knew that i liked her. but yet she chose my friend who was much more atheletic than me, and more popular than me. i didnt treat her bad, nor did i do any wrong to her. he even kissed her twice in front of me(sneaking around the teachers and pastor, and reverend). what to do? and thank you for your reply.
What can you possibly do? You can get angry, start drama, and create chaos, but that will do you no good. The best thing is to learn to accept what happens — as hard as that is. Can you change other people? No. Can you change the way you see life? Yes. We are all betrayed by people in life, and often times we betray other people as well. No one is perfect, and that is good to remember. If you friend is deliberately trying to make you feel bad, you should consider trying to make other friends.
*Fair warning, this is long*
I just get quite confused with all the different terms people use and oft find many similarities in my own behaviors and personality and habits among all of them. I’m introverted, artisan-composer, shy, also have social anxiety … what’s the difference between being a ‘loner’ and introverted, or is there any at all?
When I’m at work I can operate, I suppose you’d say, more extroverted, perhaps because I /have/ to. We’re constantly busy and most of the time there’s always someone there and it gets stressful. So I’ll be more talkative and joke around; they know if I’m quite quiet there’s something wrong. If I had my choice I’d probably /always/ be quiet and not talk with any of them, but I want the work day to go by more smoothly for all of us and I know they enjoy my banter.
But by the time I get home, I’m done. I’ve found these days-more like these past two years- (and found this article by searching why do I never want to be around people, haha >.>) I’m done. Even if family is home, I don’t even want to talk to them for a few seconds. I’m just done with social activity. If-and rarely-I feel up to it, I’ll go to lunch with someone. Someone who ‘gets’ me more. And that’s every … six months, though I’m trying to be better about it. Because family pressure. I mean, it makes sense. They’re family. But I find any social activity at all really drains and bores me; especially when it comes to family or church dinners/outings/’events’.
I even made myself fall asleep one night two weeks ago because otherwise my parents would make me attend a Young Adults group. I love the people there, they’re great, I’m a member of the church … and yet I can’t stand being around them o.O. For two or three hours, I’m /stuck/ there while they play board games, have a message, and then talk about cars, babies, or guns. I have nothing to contribute and nor do I wish to. I guess perhaps I’ve lost my patience with events and activities I have almost nothing in common with that would drain energy I don’t have. I’ve probably been running on fumes now for several years. I love to make friends and meet new people (online … meeting people irl consists of … church … and I only see them for two minutes on sundays) and yet without fail after a few months of bonding, all of the sudden, I drop off the face of the earth. As in, that’s enough socializing now, we know each other, they’re awesome, and my brain just turns to something else; and any other time we might talk it turns to small talk. I don’t do small talk. >.<
I did/am attempting to take vitamins because I thought that would help, for a couple months now, and it hasn't. I'm still more tired than I've ever been and quite tired of people and my parents attempts to get me to 'go out and share my gifts with people' (aka people from church with whom the only commonality is really God, which is everything, but also … nothing). I still enjoy being alone and watching movies and reading and playing games and having debates about certain issues in my mind (because when it comes to actually /debating/ or discussing, I couldn't get words out to save my life).
Certainly there are some underlying issues concerning myself (social anxiety-probably brought on by my parents just shoving me wherever-, chronic tiredness or whathaveyou), but for the most part, I don't understand why my being alone is so bad. Sometimes if I'm reading something particularly amusing, I do wish there was someone there I could share it with, but I doubt it will be happening any time soon; and aside from those moments, I love it. Even if no one else gets me, /I/ get 'me'; and I'm still a 'functioning' member of society. I pay my damn taxes (scuse the language); I have a job, I go to church-on Sundays, the rest of the time I can't stand it, unfortunately-and, just.
It's rather ironic because I have an urge to travel but can't stand the actual /travel/ part. So I travel in my head. I echo what someone else said much earlier, I can watch movies and go places in my mind and I'm sorry to all those of you who love sports and more strenuous activities, but watching a movie in your mind and making up stories, exploring someone else's world (game), inner debating is so dang FUN. o/
I guess, aside from some things, I like my life. If there were a couple people I could actually permanently share it with/talk with still; while I lived alone (or with one other person) in a small cabin in the woods with modern amenities, away from people. It'd be perfect. It's always hard to say because there is always that pressure, because everyone around me is vastly, vastly different. "You're not around people often enough, you don't talk often enough, you won't talk to /us/" … (because I can't). But if that was removed, finally, if certain people just stopped it, my life would be awesome. I love art, I love drawing-ALONE-I love reading and writing-ALONE-I love playing games and having debates, listening to music and thinking about life. When there's a nice wind and it's a good day, I love just going outside and letting everything be carried away. There's no one to compete with, no one to make irritating noises and annoy the sheet out of me, no one in my /space/, getting in my face, demanding things of me that aren't ever going to happen. No one forcing me into anything.
… thinking about it makes me happy. If only I could get my family to understand.
Aherm. Sorry. Got that all out now. o/ I know this post was months ago, it seems.
Thank you for sharing Rose. I like to think of being a ‘loner’ as being on the very extreme of the introvert + extrovert scale. In my mind, the scale looks something like this:
Loner ——– Introvert ——- Ambivert ——- Extrovert
I think of this as the ‘energy spectrum’ – extroverts have a very high tolerance for people, and loners have a very LOW tolerance for people. At least in my own mind this is the difference between being a loner and introvert.
Your lack of energy is probably because of anxiety. I experience this as well, and have found that going to the root of my thoughts and challenging/replacing them helps a lot (though is much less of a quick fix solution, but ultimately the most powerful.)
I don’t have any close friends, though when making friends I tend to share quite a lot (until after those few months go by), all the rest of the time my tolerance for people is very low.
When I’m not working, I generally don’t talk with anyone unless I absolutely /must/ and find it quite exhausting.
I did end up, after refusing to go to YA last Thursday, having a good long talk with my mother, though it was more a jumbled up utter mess of … words, and I think she understood *some* of it. Some. But it’s a start right? Although honestly I’m rather pessimistic about it.
Definitely some of it is because of anxiety; people having expectations or not being those who get who I am and such and then being told I /have/ to be around them. Of course, the world is made up of people not similar to us at all in many respects. I’d just rather be able to actually choose who I am going to be around when not at work, even if it’s almost never (and thus not at all satisfactory to what my parents /think/ I need) at least I know it’s what I can handle and I can be around people whose company I enjoy.
I went out for lunch the other day with a friend from work who actually gets me, we were there for about 45 minutes and when I returned, my mother remarked something to the effect of, “back already? That was quick.” It seemed quite a long time to me.
I suppose I won’t ever fully understand why many can’t understand something so simple and it’s “oh dear God you’re not around people enough!” And throw you to the wolves (force you to do social stuff), as I think of it sometimes. What exactly is so horrible about being an introvert/loner? Why do you HAVE to interact with people so much?
Although I guess part of it could be because of movies and the like portraying us as they have…
It is good that you take the time to try to honestly communicate with your mother. I remember how hard it was to talk with my own mother — we were so different and on completely different wavelengths. But I find that it helps to maintain a level-head and to see that the annoying tendencies of parents to push us into doing things we don’t want to do comes from a misguided sense of wanting to “help” and ensure that you’re “happy” — often with the best of intentions.
From what it sounds like you are in your teenage years (?) and these can often be hard — especially when under the “power” of parents. Above all, it’s good that you communicate as clearly as you can without pointing fingers or blaming. I’ve found this to be the best way to let others know that I am a quiet person who likes the peace of solitude rather than the chaos of people.
Best wishes!
ROSE YOU SHOULD SHARE THIS POST WITH YOUR MOTHER. SOMETIMES ITS HARD TO ARTICULATE OUR THOUGHTS WHEN SPEAKING. DESPITE MY OWN INTROVERSION /LONER TENDENCIES, I HAVE NO TROUBLE SAYING EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OR FEEL MAYBE ITS BECAUSE I AM OLDER (45) AND A MOM IN FACT MY SON SAYS MOM WOW YOUR SO OUTSPOKEN I CANT BE FAKE AND I THINK BEING HONEST WITHOUT BEING HURTFUL IS IMPORTANT.
I AT ONE TIMR HAD TROUBLE SPEAKING UP THOUGH BUT CAME OUT OF THAT I USE TO WRITE LETTERS IT WAS EASIER TO GET OUT WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID. SO PERHAPS IF YOUR MOTHER READ THIS BLOG AND READ ABOUT HOW YOU AND MANY OTHERS FEEL SHE MIGHT GET IT AND BACK OFF A BIT. I AM ALMOST CERTAIN THAT YOUR MOTHER MAKES THESE COMMENTS BECAUSE SHE IS ANXIOUS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR HAPPY OR NOT AND IS CLUELESS ON THE FACT THAT YOUR JUST BEING YOURSELF. I REMEMBER WORRYING ABOUT MY KIDS TOO THINKING ARE THEY HAPPY DO THEY HAVE ENOUGH SOCIAL CONTACTS ARE THEY LIKED BY THEIR CLASSMATES ETC I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THEIR POSSIBLE REJECTION AND HURT FEELINGS I WANTED THEM TO BE OKAY MY DAUGHTER WAS SOMEWHAT POPULAR AND MY SON WASNT AT ALL. DESPITE THIS I DID STRESS TO BOTH KIDS ITS NOT QUANITY BUT QUALITY OF FRIENDS AND THAT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL YOU PROBABLY NEVER SEE THESE PEOPLE AGAIN OR CARE TO. I HOPE THIS HELPED IN SOME WAY. GOOD LUCK!
Thanks for this article, Aletheia Luna. I just came back yesterday from a blind date setup by my parents (traditionally/commonly done by Korean parents). Specifically, and this is a Korean cultural concept, the blind date is called a “suhn” (pronounced like sun), which is a blind date specifically for the purpose of getting to know someone as a potential marriage partner. I know, crazy, right? I’m Korean-American (born and raised in the US), so it was a bit strange for me.
The woman I met was really nice, very intelligent, and beautiful. We had a good conversation, although things did get sort of quiet and awkward near the end as we ran out of things to talk about. During our conversation she asked two questions that any person would ask on a date: “What do you usually do when you hang out with friends?” and “What do you usually do on the weekends?”
I didn’t want to lie like I had done in the past. I wanted to be honest about who I was, to respect her and myself since this was about trying to find someone you would spend the rest of your life with. I told her that I usually stay home on the weekends, and that I tend not to hang out with friends as they always go drinking/clubbing and it was not my thing (I wish I had added that I have nothing against drinking/smoking/clubbing, as it made me look judgmental). Her reaction seemed to be one of worry and/or disappointment. I couldn’t help but think that maybe she thought I had some serious issues because I gave the correct impression that I was a loner. I kept thinking about the following question on the long drive home…”is there something wrong with me because I like to be alone?” I mean, I know there isn’t, as I’ve in the past embraced my loner nature, but it’s hard not to have those thoughts creep up again when they confront you in the face from time to time.
It doesn’t help that in the past, I’ve heard my pastor say, in the context of relationships, that “you should be wary of people who don’t have any friends or close friends.” To be fair, I think what he meant was that you should be wary as that might be a sign that that person is abusive and/or has some deep emotional issues, but because he didn’t clarify what he meant, I’m not so sure (FWIW, I believe my pastor to be a good and well intentioned person, even though I don’t agree with him on everything).
Anyways, thanks again for this post and for everyone who commented and shared their story. It was a good reminder that being a loner is OK.
It definitely can be hard when you are confronted face-to-face with the reality that you like to be alone – and other people don’t accept that. But I’m happy that you could find support in this article and the comments here Alex! I appreciate your comment. :)
Fuck normal people and the extroverted.
First of all, extroverted people are bad. Second of all, being abnormal will earn you many enemies. So why not be normal in your way? After all, I believe that normality’s in the eye of the beholder.
At the age of 1 1/2 I was placed back into my biological families home. I do not know my mom, stepdad or siblings. It was frightening. I have memories of that fear. I was just a baby. My mom did not want me nor have loving feelings for me, I did not get hugged or kissed, no bedtime stories, no idle talking or anything like it. My siblings were not too keen on me either, I know it’s because mom didn’t like me. I played alone. I went to bed quietly. I did my best to stay low key, the attention I did get was always negative. . Always, it was best to go unnoticed. I slept alone, cryed myself to sleep literally for years, I was always sad, felt alone, unloved. But, being alone was safe. No one to mock me or scold me when I was alone. I grew up cherishing my time alone. I was a very poor student, teachers didn’t care for me. I failed first grade one because of being hard to teach and second, I didn’t and wouldn’t sleek to my teacher. She scared me, wasn’t nice, so I simply would not reply or ask a word. Sure she thought I was mentally challenged. Part of that is true. Little vocal interaction with babies will ultimately lead to a low iq in a person. That’s me. Today I am a restaurant manager in a 5 .5 million dollar a year company. I am consistent and thoughtful in my work. I am mostly, liked. I am 42. Certain tasks are very difficult to me but I find ways to figure it out and succeed. Being a loner is only obvious to the two most social people that work with me, the general manager and assistant gm. Those are the two people that don’t like me. Popular people. I feel and see in their eyes that they think I am a freak. They have no respect for me or my incredibly hard work. But, this year, I don’t care. My oldest son and boyfriend constantly tell me the negative about myself. They tell me I am selfish and self centered. I just love being alone. I am nice to people, I just don’t spend a lot of time outside of work with people. I have to spare my energy by being alone. It’s a recharge thing. But they refuse to understand. They won’t listen to me, they just tell me to change. I hate it. I have to analyze myself every single day. Again, alone means quiet, no voices, safety in several ways. I sleep alone. In darkness
and silence. It is safe. I listen to. . Silence. . It’s so soothing. Unfortunately, those closest to me think I am pathetic. I don’t know how to be anymore. I try to be more social but then I feel fake, I hate fake. I don’t know how to be. The violence that comes from my lack of change and my son and boyfriend is killing my sole. Good thing I have my baby, Vance. He is 16. The best teen I have ever known. He is so loving and non judging. He mends my broken heart.
My truth,
Teresa Ann
Teresa, it can be a heartbreaking experience to have those closest to you criticize you and bring you down. Although it is comforting to hear that you have a source of comfort in your life – your son Vance. Your other son and boyfriend sound emotionally abusive, something that you might like to read more about: https://lonerwolf.com/emotional-abuse/ When that happened in my life, I cut off and broke away from my family members who were bringing me down and polluting my life with their negativity. This was the best decision I ever made.
Thank you for opening yourself up to share here, and I truly wish you strength and healing.
As a kid, I never got into the age-specific fads (in my day they included carrying around a Walkman to listen to the World Series–6th-7th grade; getting all hyped up about the latest hot cars–Jr. High and High School; etc.). Later, of course, the other kids moved past those fads (ones that I had moved past before I even go into!), but I was by then branded as the geek who didn’t fit in. And new fads took over, and the same thing happened. So I moved on, and moved away, and made many friends of various kinds over the years.
A few years ago, I retired moved back to my hometown. I looked forward to getting back with my old high school and college friends. But it didn’t take long to realize that although I had changed (i.e., grown up) they hadn’t. I cut off most of the connections by choice. Most people just keep playing the same little games they played in school (from grade school on) and never really grow up. I can’t see much reason to want to hang around people like that.
There’s a great line in the classic Italian movie, “Cinema Paradiso.” A guy who doesn’t talk much says, “I found out that it doesn’t really make much difference if you talk or you don’t.”
The same thing often applies to hanging out with other people. So much of group life is posing, jockeying for position in the pecking order, and so on. (When I taught at a Japanese junior college, I had my students write an essay on stress. The majority said the most stressful thing was the daily struggle to fit into the group.) There are better ways to spend one’s time.
“So much of group life is posing, jockeying for position in the pecking order, and so on” – such an astute observation. Watching nature documentaries about animals is a good way of learning about mankind, stripping it down to the essentials: social hierarchy, alpha and beta males and females, desires to attract the most attractive mate, and all the games that comes with that. It is true that most people don’t grow up, but seem to remain stuck at the mental age of about 18, even well into their forties and fifties. Mostly, it’s not worth getting wound up in social life as it causes too much drama, and takes you away from doing what fulfills you the most. This is what I’ve learnt anyway.
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Being one helps me a lot. Previously I was approached by people with ulterior motives and I was always worried about what others thought about me. Yes they used to like my new extroverted attitude but I didn’t find any people I can trust around me. This is maybe because once I was an introvert and people didn’t feel like approaching me much. When I opened up it was nice to have fun with people, tell them about myself, etc. But I have seen some taking this as an opportunity to help them in things they can easily manage, and as for the opposite sex testing the waters about how I feel about them and then become aloof (sounds exaggerated but its true). Anyway back to my shell again.
Rubaya, I think you confuse being a loner with a fearful avoidance of people. People serve as mirrors: they reveal our imperfections and insecurities, which is why many of us hide from people. For example, if we don’t have much faith or trust in ourselves, we likewise don’t have much faith or trust in other people. If we have low self-esteem, we perceive others as always “out to get us”, and we are shattered by their negative comments (which are always a reflection of THEM rather than US).
You & I are alike. I slip into the extroversion life then, the needy people slip in & try to loot something from me. Not money or material things, but part of my soul. I’ve been told my values & standards are to high & that I’m rigid. I just see it as them lacking in that area. They cheat on significant others & manipulate others.
It’s sad that the term loner is given such a bad wrap. I love being alone and I truly treasure the moments when it’s just me with my books, or my games, or my tv shows and nobody else. I hate that some ppl can never take the time to understand that perhaps a person enjoys being by themselves more than going out to a crowded, noisy place listening to a bunch of ppl talk stuff.
I’ve always preferred my own company. And i’m actually perfectly capable in social situations in fact i’m so easy to talk to that after ppl spend some time chatting to me they invite me out thinking ‘this is a guy I want around in social situations.’ And while I am good at talking to ppl, the truth is, I only talk to you b/c my job permits that I be around ppl 8 hours a day so if i’m at work and you’re there i’ll talk to you b/c i’m there for my job to earn an income. But if given a choice at the end of my shift on whether I want to go home and spend a night to myself or whether I want to go hang out at some pub or whatever and continue engaging in social interaction when i’ve already JUST spent 8 hours of my day surrounded by ppl… Thank you very much but i’ll go home.
But it really is the worst when they don’t understand your temperament and automatically associate being alone to being sad, lonely or depressed. And unfortunately this is even true among friends who are supposed to have clue of the person you are but yet when the conversation dies down, the ice breaking line is always “so how’s your love life?” or “seeing anyone special?” with a twinkle in the eye and a coy smile. And then you tell them ‘nah’ and you get that look of pity in their eyes as if to say “don’t worry you’ll find someone soon”. ARGH it’s that look of pity that is just so infuriating! Whose to say I even WANT to find someone? A relationship to me is just a hassle. If I don’t have enough time throughout the day to do everything I want to achieve, how much less time would I have if I were committed to somebody? And so what if you’re in a relationship? Spending all those hours and hours and hours getting to “know” someone when 3 years down the track their personality might change. Or worse, 20 years down the track you’re acclimated to having being with them even tho you don’t “love” them anymore and all you do is argue and compromise about how you live your life when in reality you would rather sit at home and watch that game of football instead of go out to spend the day with your partner’s family. In fact I actually pity those who are in relationships or need to go out every week. Why? B/c these ppl NEED to be around others to be happy and content. They rely on other ppl to make them happy whereas a loner such as myself never needs to rely on anyone to enjoy my life.
I’m not afraid of dying alone, i’m not afraid of having no children to comfort me on my deathbed and i’m sure as hell not afraid of becoming attached to a person and having them leave me. Or going even further, being married to them for 50 years and then watching them die before you do and then being FORCED into a life of alone-ness after you spend the majority of your life never being alone.
I’m reassured when I go online and see these kinds of articles that are trying to educate the ignorant on understanding ppl’s different personalities. I never tell an extrovert how to live their life, they sure as hell shouldn’t tell me how to live mine.
Binyaminb, it’s admirable how confident and firm you are in preferring to be alone. Just as it is hard for you to understand what exactly is the attraction extroverted people feel towards talking and constantly socializing, so too is it hard for them to understand life through our eyes. It’s true that many of the greatest, most accomplished and skilled people in life have been loners – and why? Because most of their lives weren’t wasted in trivial social duties or pursuits, but were spent dedicated to cultivating skills, talents, or simply enjoying what life has to offer, alone.
At the end of the day there is no point getting frustrated (it’s wasted energy). We can’t change people and their perspectives, but hopefully articles such as this can reach such people and educate them better.
well said my thoughts precisely