Early in life, I learned a critical truth: our families can either make or break us.
They can inspire, support, and uplift us. Indeed, our families can be a second womb, hearth, or safe space in which we grow and transform. On the other hand, they can demoralize, oppress, and smother us. Depending on where you are on the family spectrum, you’ll be a relatively well-adjusted individual or a person plagued with problems.
Our experience of ‘family’ forms a large part of the foundation of our self-worth, feelings of belonging, and psychological/emotional well-being as adults.
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So what happens when you’re the black sheep of the family?
What happens when you are rejected, outcasted, marginalized, and even disowned from your birth family?
In this article, I’ll help you discover (1) if you are a black sheep, (2) how to heal the trauma associated with familial rejection, and (3) the profound opportunity for spiritual growth and transformation inherent in being a reject!
Table of contents
- What is a “Black Sheep”?
- Black Sheep Are Often Scapegoats (aka. ” Identified Patients “)
- 9 Signs You’re the Black Sheep of the Family
- 12 Mental and Emotional Wounds Caused By Being a Black Sheep
- Why Being the Black Sheep of the Family is Spiritual Opportunity Par Excellence
- 7 Ways to Heal the Wounds of Being a Black Sheep
What is a “Black Sheep”?
The “black sheep of the family” is a term that refers to a family member who is considered peculiar, strange, unconventional, eccentric, or not aligned with the family’s persona and values. Sometimes “black sheep” has strong negative connotations as it can be used to refer to a person who is considered a “misfit,” criminal, addict, or overall troublemaker.
Black Sheep Are Often Scapegoats (aka. “Identified Patients“)
On top of being considered weird, black sheep are often scapegoated and blamed for the majority of a family’s problems. This tendency to scapegoat is known in psychology as the “Identified Patient.“
The “Identified Patient” or IP, was a term that emerged in the 1950s to describe the actions of sick and dysfunctional families and their tendency to assign one person in the family as a scapegoat to their problems.
Essentially, the Identified Patient is said to be a way that families avoid their own internal pain, disappointments, and struggles, by pointing the finger at another family member as the cause for all the problems they experience.
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If you were the Identified Patient in your family, you were most likely chosen as the “trouble maker” or “problem child” due to your status within the family (e.g., young, naive and abusable, or older, headstrong and threatening), or your differing Soul Age and personality, which drew attention to your contrasting likes, tastes, and habits. Naturally, these qualities placed a big bullseye on your head and were used against you throughout your life.
Symptoms that you were chosen as the Identified Patient of your family include the following:
- Your parents were more strict with you than they were with your other siblings
- Your mistakes were blown out of proportion and/or punished disproportionately
- You always carried the feeling that you “didn’t fit in” with your family, and you didn’t develop strong connections with them
- You were mocked, ridiculed, and/or made fun of on a constant basis
- Your family seemed intent on making you feel “deficient” and as though you were always fundamentally lacking
- Whenever you got stronger, more confident, or happier, your family seemed intent on bringing you down and/or convincing you that you weren’t getting any better
- You developed mental and/or emotional disorders, and/or substance abuse problems as a result of being scapegoated and overburdened
- Your family didn’t show any interest in who you really were as a person
- You were criticized, completely ignored, and/or emotionally manipulated if you rebelled in any way
It’s important to note that families who assign scapegoats or Identified Patients often go to great measures to keep the member of the family they’ve unconsciously chosen that way, otherwise, they are forced to face their own inadequacies.
So if you’re stuck in a pull-tug relationship with your family where they treat you like crap, but cry and mope when you back away, this is why.
9 Signs You’re the Black Sheep of the Family
If you’re still wondering whether you’re the black sheep of the family, let’s zoom in even more. Pay attention to the following signs – how many can you relate to?
- You are blamed for most of your family’s issues (whether directly or indirectly)
- You feel like most of your family members completely misunderstand you
- You’re left out of the loop on your family’s news
- You’re not invited to gatherings, celebrations, etc.
- You don’t have much in common with any of your family members in terms of likes, tastes, and preferences
- You struggle to emotionally or mentally connect with your family members
- You’re made fun of, belittled, shamed, or bullied (either directly or indirectly)
- You often feel like you’re adopted or were raised in the wrong family
- You’re a contrarian or eccentric individualist by nature (i.e., you know who you are and what you stand for)
Have I missed any? Please share them below in the comments if you think so!
12 Mental and Emotional Wounds Caused By Being a Black Sheep
Being cast as the black sheep of the family is not a comfortable role. (However, it is a great doorway of opportunity, which I will explain soon.)
The pain of being rejected, scorned, and even flat-out disowned cuts deep to the core.
As a person who is the black sheep of my birth family, I know how terribly lonely being a black sheep is. All of the following wounds I’ve personally experienced and learned to deal with throughout time.
Here are the main mental and emotional wounds you may develop/experience:
- You feel alone in life
- You struggle to relate to other people
- It’s extremely difficult to trust people in relationships, friendships, work situations, etc.
- Trusting yourself and your instincts is hard, so you often feel lost (and without an inner compass)
- Emotional commitment is scary and triggering
- You carry big and oppressive core beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” and “There’s something wrong with me“
- Deep down, you feel that if someone truly got to know you, they wouldn’t like you anymore
- You feel fundamentally unlovable
- You’re either overly dependent on your friends for emotional validation or you prefer to go solo and bypass friendship altogether (as a loner)
- Social anxiety is a regular issue you battle
- Your life feels like one big existential crisis
- You grapple with depressive and/or addictive tendencies
This list isn’t exhaustive, but I hope I’ve painted a clear picture.
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Being the black sheep of the family ain’t no ‘walk in the park.’ It’s traumatizing and destabilizing. But you’re certainly not alone, and this experience isn’t a curse, it’s a pathway.
Why Being the Black Sheep of the Family is Spiritual Opportunity Par Excellence
Certainly, it’s crucial that we come to terms with how traumatizing being the black sheep is – we need to mourn this fact.
But I also want to offer a unique perspective on being the black sheep of the family.
It’s a tremendously important pathway to spiritual transformation.
Why?
When we are rejected by our birth family, we are given a gift many others in life aren’t: the doorway to unfettered freedom. While others who are embraced by their families still need to play by certain rules, black sheep have the chance to walk their own paths.
While accepted-family-members might benefit from being validated, they also tend to be trapped in limiting roles that make it difficult for authentic Soul growth and expression to occur.
Black sheep, on the other hand, have a clean slate. The doorway to trailblazing their own destiny is open, they aren’t held back by other’s opinions because the judgment has already been made: they are rejects, oddballs, and outsiders.
Sure, there are cases of perfect families who lovingly uphold the dreams and aspirations of their members. But these instances are the exception, not the rule. The truth is that most families are dysfunctional – they are products of our wider fragmented society. And thus, they tend to have a stifling effect on one’s spiritual path and evolution.
As a black sheep, you are gifted with the chance to do some authentic soul searching, free from the suffocating confines of your family’s expectations and desires. You have already been cast in the role of Distaste and Disappointment. There’s not much else your birth family can do to harm you – the wound has already been inflicted. Now, your job is to break free and find your true meaning in life.
What you have experienced is, in reality, a spiritual initiation!
Read: What is the Meaning of Life? (In-Depth Answers) »
7 Ways to Heal the Wounds of Being a Black Sheep
There are only three options for black sheep: live authentically and get kicked out of the community, have the courage to move out on your own and rebuild from scratch, or hide your true self and desperately try to fit in (which you never will).
– Ben Crawford, 2,000 Miles Together
When I embraced my role as a black sheep, I felt a sense of profound sadness but also exhilaration. Yes, I have been outcast from my birth family – seen as a defiant and condemnable intruder – but oh, what freedom!
However, I don’t want to make light of this situation. It is deeply traumatizing. On some level, it is akin to death. After all, our biological survival is dependant on being accepted by those who raise us.
So to help you embrace the gifts inherent in being the black sheep of the family, I have some advice. Here are seven ways to begin healing the wounds of being the family’s outcast:
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1. Create healthy boundaries that preserve your mental health
Sometimes we may still wish to visit our family of origin. Others of us may choose to communicate only through email, text, or phone. And still, for some, it may be necessary to totally cut ties with their birth family.
Depending on how toxic your family is, you can choose between the above three options. Do keep in mind, however, that keeping your distance from people who reject your authentic being is healthy. To constantly be reminded of your ‘deficiencies,’ ‘shortcomings,’ and ‘inadequacy’ is not good for your mental, emotional, or spiritual wellbeing. Such people only tend to hold you back in spirals of self-abandonment and self-loathing.
2. Understand that you are not the cause of your family’s dysfunction
Consciously you may know this, but deep down there’s probably still some doubt in you. Sure, you may have made some pretty serious mistakes in your life, but so does everyone. Just because you are imperfect does not mean you are the source of the dysfunction in your family.
If you were the Identified Patient (or still are), you must realize that the cause of suffering in your family of origin is their own repressed anger, insecurity, fear, and personal trauma which they project onto you and haven’t taken responsibility for.
3. Create your own authentic soul family
After being accustomed to a certain role and way of being for our whole lives, it is strange and daunting to consider moving onto other roles. But please know that you can have a family of your own and step into a new role that is relational (i.e., connected with others), not isolated. You can move on with your life, find your own friends, make your own soul family, and redefine who you are as a person. The only thing stopping you is clinging to the past, and not opening yourself up to being more. Practicing the art of letting go will help you tremendously.
Read: 42 Powerful Ways of Letting Go of Anxiety + Toxic People »
4. Contemplate your birth family’s pain
Why on earth would we want to do this? Well, the answer is that contemplation often leads to understanding, and understanding breeds compassion (which results in emotional freedom!).
Once you are at a stable point in life, turn your mind onto your birth family. Exploring the “why?” of what happened can help you make peace with your past and close that chapter.
Reflect on what causes a person or group of people to reject or demonize a person in the first place? Sure, they may be narcissistic or stupid – but that’s a surface judgment. What’s below the narcissism or stupidity? Usually, the answer is fear and pain.
When a person or group of people need to subconsciously elect someone else to personify their own pain and distress – someone to point the finger at and pin their problems on – these are very unhappy people indeed. They haven’t yet learned how to consciously handle their feelings of guilt, insignificance, embarrassment, or disappointment with themselves and their lives.
By not accepting their inner strife they are continuing to build a cocoon of hurt and resistance which prolongs their pain. So essentially, these are people who are deeply and consistently miserable human beings.
While we usually can’t awaken our families from their destructive habits, we can develop compassion and forgiveness for them, understanding why we were treated the way we were. It was actually nothing personal. This is extremely freeing.
5. Learn to love yourself and embrace your wounded inner child
We all possess an inner child, the part of us that sees the world through the eyes of innocence, wonder, and spontaneous joy. Our inner child, however, also cops the greatest amount of wounding growing up – and it’s for this reason that we need to learn to listen to and nurture it.
Signs that you have a wounded inner child include addictive tendencies, sudden unexplainable fears, anxiety and depression, and the unshakable feeling of being worthless, “not good enough,” and empty inside. Read more about the wounded inner child.
If you find that no amount of self-improvement helps, chances are that you aren’t going deep enough. Your inner child must be sought out, embraced, and nurtured through the practice of consistent self-love.
We have an amazing guide on how to love yourself and also an Inner Child Work Journal that will help you begin this profoundly healing work.
6. Treat this as a rare opportunity to do some soul searching
As mentioned previously, being the black sheep of the family is both a curse and a gift. Now that you are largely free of the fetters of your family of origin, you can walk your own path and be a lone wolf. You can turn inwards, listen to the whispers of your heart, and plunge the depths of your soul.
Those who are embraced by their family of origin often struggle to get to the place where they can turn inwards. They are beset with the pressures of having to live up to expectations, having to project a consistently acceptable self-image, amongst other soul-constricting burdens.
Thankfully, you don’t have to deal with this any longer. Once you embrace being a black sheep and no longer fight against it, you are initiated onto your own unique spiritual journey. What could be more precious than that?
Read: Soul Searching: 7 Ways to Uncover Your True Path »
7. Connect with your heart and listen to your intuition
Finally, to heal the wounds of being the black sheep of the family, you need to reconnect with your heart. I know this may be scary. I remember how terrifying it has been for me to do this. But I’ve learned that slowly tuning into my inner Center helps me to make wise decisions and live a wholly authentic life – the kind that many people dream about.
When being outcast by our family, it’s common to close the heart and totally shut off from life – this is a wise self-protection mechanism. But eventually, you need to learn to open back up. To feel your pain. To do your grief work. To practice letting go. To blossom into your truest Self.
Many people overly rely on their family members for guidance. However, because you won’t have that, you’ll need to rely on the wisdom of your own intuition. While this is harder to do, it is a wiser path. No one can live your life but you. No one can do the inner work of intentional spiritual alchemy but you.
Here are a few guides and resources I recommend checking out to help you with this work:
- How to Trust Your Intuition to Make Big Decisions (intuition help)
- The Ultimate Guide to Heart Chakra Healing For Complete Beginners (heart-healing)
- How to Find Yourself When You’re Lost in Life (9 Steps) (path-finding guidance)
Also, feel free to poke around the rest of this website – there is so much mental, emotional, and spiritual guidance freely available here!
***
In the words of outcast winemaker and author Andre Hueston Mack,
We’ve all been in positions where we felt out of place or not accepted for whatever reason. For me, that’s been my life. I’ve always been that person that stood out. And what makes you an outcast is what makes you unique, and you should harness that. Being a black sheep gives you creative license to do sh*t differently.
Being a black sheep, while painful and lonely, can be a tremendous opportunity and path to personal freedom and transformation. I hope this article has inspired and given you hope!
If you’re the black sheep of the family, let me know how that feels for you. What lessons or pearls of wisdom can you share with the rest of us?
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I feel like my family’s projections onto me have come true for me internally by virtue of my belief in them, insofar as my internal state. My father was severely abusive in every way to our family, but after he left they began to subtly and overtly point out similarities between me and my father; in our family my father was completely demonized. The way I dressed or held myself I don’t know. I was constantly verbally abused by my Mom after he left while my other siblings were praised, not entirely all the time. When I was a child I would reach out to my family members for advice on how to deal with the feelings after the fact. The lone piece of advice I seemed to receive was that abuse victims would turn into abusers, so I set about a plan to completely isolate myself from other people, normal people in order to protect them. I did protect others from myself at the cost of a deep sense of envy and bitterness toward the world. Truth is though there’s only so much alienation in life a person can take and I feel like a ticking time bomb. I watch Teal Swan also I think it’ll get better hopefully after doing a lot of personal work that I’m very reluctant to do.
I am 32 years old.
I’m the black sheep of my family.
It has led me to the verge of alcoholism and destroyed my self esteem.
I find it difficult to make friends and connect with people, so i always find myself running back to them.
When i keep away from them, its like i dont exist. When im around them i can see the irritation on my mothers face.
They never ever call to see how im doing, and quite frankly i could die in my home, and they wouldn’t know.
I have decided to cut the line now…. its been about week. Its hard as hell, and i am totally alone.
I am trying to sort out my life, and actively looking for online self help programmes.
I dont know your views on CBT, but ive found a self help course that im trying out.
Im hoping to cure my anxiety and social disorder, so that i can mix freely with people and hopefully find truly supportive friends.
If anyone reading this is planning on having kids- please let me advise you to think before you do. Its a lifelong commitment, and even as adults they need your love and support- not your emotional blackmail and hatred.
Nobody should ever be subject to being victimised by their folks and their sibblings- NOBODY!!!!!
If I died in my home today, my family probably wouldn’t know for some time. They’d probably find out via Facebook, I’m rarely on it, but do have a couple friends that’ll post and one of my sisters and her husband are active on that site.
I have anxiety as well-well, a few anxiety disorders- generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (actually diagnosed, not where I just organize nicely). With anxiety disorders, depression tends to be there and I have been depressed. I went to my university and signed up with the psych department for therapy, they did free and sliding scale, and you kinda get two therapists (student studying and their teacher- you never see the teacher. You are recorded). It changed my life for the better. I had both CBT and the thinking therapy. It took a good four weeks before I realized how much I was changing. Even after I completed the 2 month depression therapy, I wound up back there several months later for the anxiety and that helped sooooo much with my social and general anxiety. The therapist always challenged the way I thought.
Even to this day, Almost four years later, I can still hear his voice. “How often do the things you worry about happening actually happen? Can you give me a percentage of the amount of times your worries became reality?” When I said I wasn’t sure, he still pushed. “Well, like 75%? More than half the time, less than half?” When I said less, he pushed more. “So, closer to half, or closer to a quarter? 25% maybe?” I said probably closer to a quarter. And then, “what percentage of the time you’d say you worry? How often are you anxious about what others are thinking? If what an outcome might be? Would you put that around 25% of the time?” I said, no, more like 75% if not 95% of the time. Then he pointed out, “That’s a lot of worry for being right to worry about 25% of the time. How often does the worry help the outcome?” It never does, I said, and that is a way higher percentage of worry vs actual outcome. Hope it made sense, it was like an epiphany for me. He also talked about all the ways of thinking, how you can change thought processes.
And, I also saw a gp for depression as well, which helped.
Anyway, good luck to you, much love!!
How insulting to argue that the only thing holding a person in this situation back is them not replacing their value system with one that revolves around forgiveness that should not be given. How about allowing people to deal with what happened to them on their own terms? They’re not the ones holding themselves back and they are not to blame for their problems. If anything, the writer is. She and others like her are doing the same thing these families are doing: not only is the writer ONCE AGAIN blaming these poor people for their situations by demanding that sympathy be given to the families, once again making it all about how the family feels and not about them completely invalidating their emotions, she is perpetuating the idea that these black sheep kids are lacking in some way and will only be fulfilled if they adopt her belief system — if they forgive, drop a grievance or stop feeling resentful, no matter how justified their grievance or feelings are or how unethical and dangerous forgiveness is. Forgiveness is the kind of attitude that gets abuse victims killed. It has no place in modern society and the writer has no business pushing it on people. When people like her do this, they invalidate the emotions, experiences, and interpretations of victims’ lives and when they try to replace a victim’s belief system with their own, they display a deep and fundamental lack of respect for them. And it is wrong.
It seems to me that the writer is just sharing what has worked for her. I don’t sense she is pushing anything on anyone. She is just trying to offer some suggestions to help others in the same situation.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we condone how our families treated us. It doesn’t mean they were right in treating us the way they did and it certainly does not mean that it is okay to treat us that way in the future! Forgiveness is for our benefit, not the families that made us outcasts. It’s a way to let go of the hurt and release the chains that hold us back, so we can move on. I actually prefer the term letting go instead of forgiveness, but that is just something that works for me. This is easier said than done, but I do believe it is achievable and something to work towards. The writer also mentions that sometimes this may mean separating ourselves from our families. But everyone needs to choose their own best path for healing and moving forward. I do hope that whatever path is taken, that it leads to being free of the pain and limitations that being the black sheep brings.
I am a young woman, 19 years old, and I have never had a good relationship with my parents. I have been the black sheep/ IP of the family my entire life. I was also adopted, but I have never thought that has had much to do with it. I faced constant verbal abuse and still currently do that has resulted in my long-time depression and newly acquired anxiety. Fortunately, I have been able to heal over the past couple of years, but I find it increasingly difficult since my parents have complete financial control over me. I am honest and unbias, and see things for how they are. On the other hand, my parents are close-minded and believe what they want to believe about me, there is nothing I can do to change their perception. I recently discovered that my parents know nothing about me and are making my life decisions based on information that is not true or exaggerated or made up. I know this is not right, but I can’t do anything more than what I have done which is try to give them the facts. But because they lack empathy and understanding, they quickly jump to conclusions and assume the worst. My father has an ego and my mother has anxiety (that she used to tell me it was “because of me”). I’m a conscious human being and I have been trying to make this work. I keep myself accounted for anything I have done in the past or things I have said, I consciously accept my flaws and work on improving myself for me. But, when my parents refuse to acknowledge how they treat me, I can’t stand it anymore. I’m 19 years old. Life shouldn’t be this hard for me when I have so much to appreciate. I can only change my reactions and what I do, but I shouldn’t have to. And it’s been so long, I am finally content and confident in myself, but I cannot stand the constant arguments because they refuse to listen or understand. I could list of millions of examples but frankly, the things I have done are not bad. But because my parents are extremely conservative and assume the worst, anything reminiscent of deviant behavior is considered the absolute worst. My one, hidden, small tattoo is an entire sleeve in their eyes. My mom has this thought that I have sex frequently and with a variety of people, she has no idea that I am demisexual and physically cannot be intimate with someone unless we have a strong emotional connection. When my found out I was a smoker, everytime I went to the bathroom she checked on me to see if I was “smoking in there” because she “heard a beep” and “thought it was the fire alarm”. I don’t know where my parents come up with these crazy thoughts but they do, and 100% of the time my mother shares these thoughts with my aunts and sisters closest to her. This causes loads of drama and more verbal abuse, they gang up on me and criticize me for the littlest things. I’m not bothered as much by these little things, but when my father, a businessman, is making decisions without concrete information about my life, I get concerned.
I know this is not super relevant to the article specifically, but I have been looking for advice since I am having a hard time gaining respect from the people closest to me. I m am away at college but constantly receive abuse from them through texts and phone calls. Even 650 miles away, I cannot escape their grasp.
This is a great Article thank you , I watched my sister become the black sheep , coming from a large violent dysfunctional family in constant upheaval around the globe my sister was the scapegoat , I too joined in judging her for all her wrong doings until two of my siblings commit suicide , then I sort of woke up to what was really happening in my family , I reached out to my sister in support and then I became ostracised , I used to feel guilty at not missing my family at all, after all the things that had happened .I even told myself I must go and see them if only to build bridges , but that was short lived , because I faced a truth , families are all diverse , not all are functional , not all parents are parents or encourage their children in life to become good adults , I had run away from home aged 16 because it was a living hell , I look back with nothing but reality it was a period of my life , my journey that has brought insight to a realisation we are who we think and what we think and also if abused what the abuser thinks , It came to a realisation that only I myself have the ability to create a good life for myself , also a realisation I was created in the flesh by two human beings and raised the only way two dysfunctional people knew .I had never had love shown or told I am loved along with my siblings , I struggled to understand why some siblings turned on my sister and myself , this article helped .I think facing the truth and becoming aware of ones whole being not just the biological body has made myself look at life very differently . I genuinely have no feeling for my family ..no hate , no love only the thought that they are on a journey through life the same as everyone else , I cant miss what I never had and I feel I have no desire to start creating something that will be only a mask to wear because its said family come first..do they ? I have my own family , I watch them as they journey through life , I have a good relationship with them all .I see my past as something that I had no control over , it wasn’t my fault my parents fought and drank and cheated repeatedly on each other , my sister turned to drugs and all fingers pointed at her , when in fact all arms should have been around her . ..sadly I was a finger pointed until I became aware .some of my friends think I have no heart because I do not wish to see my family or they I , I feel unless someone has gone through a dysfunctional violent childhood there never will be true empathy , my friends father died and I witnessed her on the floor heart broken , its taken years for her to come to terms with his death . I look at my friend and hug her but I will never have that empathy because I have never had such a loving supporting father that would cause such devastation at his loss. unfortunately some families are just a product of dysfunctional people from dysfunctional families themselves . maybe I am hard hearted by not wanting to be involved in their lives , but I do know I feel better away from them and I have not repeated the pattern in my own family .
Wow, this resonates so much with me. I have always felt that my family has made me to feel wrong and sick for no reason. For many years through my childhood the incidents, as I would call them, could be so distressful, and I was incredibly confused about what was right in the world. Currently I am at an okay place, even though this role of mine still is enforced. Mostly it shows In subtle ways, so much a habit it’s almost like a tic, jokingly, so that if I react to it, it is just me being sensitive. I also notice it in the way, that if I bring attention to underlying intentions/meanings in some comment directed towards me, how significantly I am able to change the entire mood of the room, and how all focus will be directed towards me, like I am being put under a magnifying glass. Also when I call out something “seemingly innocent” that may strike deeper in me than is “intended”, the reactions from my family can make me feel like I have done something completely inappropriate and exaggerated. The more serious nature of this role shows when I have disagreements with family members. It is not uncommen for me to be insulted, belittled and generally having my knowledge or opinion regarded as negligible. I am not very close emotionally, to my family, and I never have been. For many years I really hated them. I have always been held to much higher expectations than the rest of my siblings, in the sense that I was expected to show much more responsibility, and I have reaped much more severe consequences, than any of my siblings, for anything. I remember some degrading “punishments” for mischiefs as a child. This naturally has to be weighed against the fact that I remember nothing about any of my siblings ever recieving any degrading or devaluing punishments as children. As well the accomplishments I, after all do have in my life, has never been given much value. At least not enough that I’ve never not been worthy of an insult during the slightest disagreement. What has always been what made me feel the worst of all, is how blame for virtually everything even remotely connected to me, has always been put on me, in full. There is no doubt that if I allow it, then everyone else is fine with blaming me, no matter what the reality may be. I have to “earn my innocence”. I struggled for so many years with this, I am at a point where I have had so many victories by argument that I have much more say in how incidents are interpreted. I am usually still always blamed a little, no matter what my own part in any incident is. Calmly disagreeing with something and then being insulted and belittled, by someone who immediately becomes visibly aggressive, can easily be considered my own fault. Also I see a great difference in the severity in which my “indiscretions” are regarded as opposed to particularly my brother’s, but also anyone else’s. A big thing is, I am the smartest one in my family, so I am able to, depending on my mental energy at the given time, argue my perspective, but if I don’t spend the effort to show how a conflict, or whatever, isn’t my fault, then my perspective will most likely be completely overlooked. If I am able to keep my composure and find the right words to describe my perspective, I will be able to completely flip how, for example, a confrontation is viewed. I used to feel so shitty when this happened during my childhood, before I developed this capability, because I had to eat the injustices against me, time and time again. This ability to logically argue and, to this way actually win the understanding from my family has helped me a lot. Because of this, I at some point became able to trust my own perception despite it being in contrast with everyone else’s. When being so alone, I really felt so wrong and like I was no good for anyone. My family has often made me feel like the only sane person in the world, or the complete opposite, depending on how well I was able to mentally manage the given situation, at the given time. It has gotten better because of my own effort, I remember incidents as a child that were really bad, and just destroyed my confidence and made me feel so wrong and sick. Along with many other complicating issues during my upbringing, it hasn’t been easy to say the least. I know that, for example my mother’s role in this, is because of her own dysfunction. I realized this some years back. At that time it wasn’t enough to make me stop hating her, even though I told myself that that was what was the right thing to do, I still could only hate her for all the bullshit I’ve endured, further making me feel like a petty, unsympathetic person. Even though I don’t nearly feel the negative consequences of this role like I used to, it is incredible how pervasive this behaviour still is amongst my family members. My mother married another man she met some years back, when I was already a young adult, and he has certainly put me in this role same as everyone else in the family, and is obliviously teaching it to his 11 year old son, whom I have hope to still be able to influence in another direction. Or maybe I am being too optistic. It really pains me that he (my stepbrother) makes the same comments as the rest of the family. He only just started some months back, even though, apart from his faher, I am actually the one he is the closest to, amongst my siblings, mother and me. One thing that is still really prominent, is calling me and things I say or do, crazy. It is like a buddhist mantra for them, or so it seems at times. It can be really absurd what will trigger this comment. Repeating, REPEATING a joke from a Louis CK comedy routine is more than enough. And naturally similar behaviour, coming from anyone else, is considered completely normal. Something that really shows me the power of this role is, and I realize this as I am writing this, how my mothers husband has gotten comfortable with this “family constellation” of me being a target and actually is the one who, on occasion, treats me the most poorly. He can’t handle me disagreeing with him in any way, it is unbelievable how little it really takes, and he is the one who also can be the most verbally abusive towards me. And no one defends me or calls him out for it. Ever. And what is most unfathomable about it is, and this really is the truth, the reality is whay it is, no point in calling it anything else, that I am sooooo much smarter than him. So basically I am ALWAYS right when we argue. I really am, but it doesn’t matter, because I am not allowed to be right. I don’t think that it is anything I say that is the problem, it is merely the facts that it is coming from me. And he will become increasingly irrational and petty the more I am able to argue solidly. I love knowledge and pretty much everything interests me, so I often have some sporadic knowledge relevant to specific topics. This can cause fury if it opposes previous remarks. And the insane reality is that no matter how shitty and absurd the treatment of me becomes, from belittling name calling, to yelling, to having my life and existence made fun of and degraded, no one backs me up, or validates me, or even acknowledges that I have been treated unreasonable. And this particular aspect actually seems to be getting worse. I have actually just now after reading your article Aletheia, realized why I am treated this way by him. I actually hadn’t realized that this wasn’t happening to anyone else but me, which again until now, made me feel like I had a part in being verbally abused for something as innocent as providing logically solid arguments to random trivial topics,,, jesus fucking christ. I am having a moment of awakening here right now, I hope that is okay.. To doubt the validity of your own emotions is the worst, and I have felt so for all of my life. I have actually always known that the solution to my situation is independence, but you have just confirmed it for me. Sadly though, I am the one in my family who is struggling with mental ilness (the self fulfilling prophecy, eh) and I don’t always have enough mental energy to get by on my own. Not that I am the only only with mental problem in my family, I am actually the most emotionally healthy of us all, as well as the most emotionally mature, I just happen to be the one who is “confirmed” mentally ill. I have learned to utilize several small verbal tools to counter the “inexpediencies” i experience in daily life, and I have hope that I will be able to lose this role, if not completely, then just a bit more, and that my stepbrother won’t follow the same path as everyone else. Am I delusional for hoping this? It is amazing how every commenter on this article has so much to say, and I feel that I will be spending some time over the next few days soaking up as many words and stories from all of you who have experienced the same, or similar, as I have. This, I can already tell, is really a blessing for me to have written, as well as reading some of the other stories in here has been. Being in this position has often made me feel like there has been a plot going on around me, which there actually has in effect, although the ‘plotters’ are not aware of it themselves. It is a real relief to learn how this completely obvious reality, can be hidden from anyone but me, i really feel validated in something that has caused me pain all my life, which is incredible, but at the same time it makes me furious that I have to take this shit, simply because they can’t be bothered to deal with their own issues. And the fact that they all have serious personal issues is not something that is new to me. I have noticed several times in the past that my lack of presence in my parents home, had a significant impact on the rest of the family, although I didn’t know what it meant, or knew to trust it. I know now of the power I indeed possess, and I really feel that knowing this will benefit me from here on. All I want is to be treated fairly and with dignity, and not be constantly punished for every single one of my human imperfections. I previously have comforted myself, when being called crazy, with the Stephen Hawking quote: “The thing about smart people, is that they seem like crazy people, to dumb people.” I now know that the reality is that I AM a good and kind person, who derserves the best and whom there is nothing wrong with, and that the horrible treatment I endure from the ones who are supposed to treat me the best, is only a testament to my kindness and decency, and not evidence of my lack of value.
Thank you so much for this. I feel really odd, but good right now. Hopefully I will be able to carry this incredible feeling of lightened chest, with me tomorrow when I wake up. I have spend so long writing this, and it is really late.
Sorry for any horrible punctuation, it’s not my strong suit :)
What I have found is it is generational in my case. Someone has always been “bad”. Then they stay away and someone knew becomes “bad”. Generally when boundaries are set. For me it was when I finally said, “you can’t act violent around myself or children if you are going to be here.” I had just gone through a rough time and divorce, while trying to get myself on my feet and said, ” I just got that abuse out of this hourse DON”T, bring it back in.” This resulted in the onslaught of complete blackballing not just within my family but extended family as well. Including calling the new relationship I had just begun at his workplace to encourage him to leave me. The actions were so heartbreaking to the children that witnessed it that many years of counseling have been utilized at great expense to get them over how hurt they felt.
Even years later when I became remarried to the relationship I had begun earlier, only 2 of many family came to our reception and spoke of how they were told “not” to come. It has been over 5 years here since regular contact but with children life events come up that having their grandparents at is natural. For example they were invited to confirmation and while during my first marriage could not get along with my ex nomatter how I begged made a point to converse the whole event as if they had always been great friends. At least now they have something in common. Their hatred for me. What I have found is that while I was in my darkest hours as a single mom of 3, needing help but having these great Christians act in such an unchristian way it was a blessing. I knew I was strong BUT never would I have believed how strong. I learned that I had come to crave the acceptance of people that didn’t care whom I was nor cared to know anything about me. It has made me a better mom and more aware of what my own children think, feel, and has helped me teach them values of caring about others and working to understand other points of view.
Occasionally there will be some form of “guilt” communication from extended family such as maybe facebook comments about, “I sure hope we will be able to see the children again one day”. I respond politely to these, “the doors always open, stop in anytime.” We are hours away and I have not barred my parents from seeing the kids either BUT I have set healthy boundaries such as their dad, myself or my husband has to be with. They were never allowed to be alone with them before so nothing has changed but this has not been the version spread to family. I will continue to respond politely and keep boundaries for all of us and encourage the kids to follow their counseling to rely on their instincts and know they can love people even at a distance but not all loves are good for a person.
In the end it may save them hurtful relationships or help them spot healthy vs. unhealthy things in the future.
Isn’t it wonderful that the most extreme and difficult of times have a way of bringing out our true, deep strength? I have realized this personally over and over. There comes a point where your suffering is so extreme that you surrender, and in that surrender you discover some amazing things about yourself, others and life. Thank you for sharing your experience, it is inspiring!
Surrendering is difficult. It is the only thing you know and as warped as it is one has been raised to believe they are nothing without the very people that say they love you but continue to criticize and antagonize. In truth surrendering to being the “selfish” label was freeing. I found that for the first time I could think about ME by embracing the label and maybe being “selfish” wasn’t so bad and it was what they were afraid of me figuring out. By being selfish it allowed for the one thing that was never allowed to think of myself and my needs. That was not just freeing but empowering. A blacksheep that is empowered nolonger cares what the alienators say. It doesn’t have power and when they know that. Now after not seeing them in so long I realized when I did see them how personal growth was not possible with the expectations of staying in their expectations of my life. It was also very pitiful to see what bully family looks like stripped of the right to hurt.
To follow others is not respecting yourself. I follow me first then my wife and kid, as far as I’m concerned I don’t mind being the black sheep. I’m better at heart and soul.
I was the black sheep of my family. I live alone in La now and am 21. When in deep distress I always have come back to the thought ” What is wrong with me ? ” . My family treats me like I must be fixed. I am very much so a lone wolf. But there is light. I am surrendering, I am opening. Although my circumstances are currently challenging I have hope. We are warriors, leaders, healers. We are game changers, and truth seekers. My mother messaged me this morning asking me to teach her yoga and meditation. she has made fun of me and ridiculed me for doing these things and yet the power of love and light flows through me and she is inspired.Even though she is someone who tries to keep me in my role of identified patient, even though she tries to bring me down the power of light continues to uplift her and guide her towards her own healing. For this I am grateful always. I am grateful for all of you reading this article, and for the writers. This isn’t easy work, thank you all for your strength.
“It was nothing personal.” I cried a little at these words.
To some extent, after I grew up and got out of my parents’ house, I worked through a lot of my anger. I’m 27 now. But last year, when I graduated from a local community college (higher education was something my parents insisted on when I was a child), my parents didn’t attend my graduation which was less than ten minutes from their house. They claimed that “They didn’t do large crowds” although they had attended my graduation from a technical school a few years earlier. My mother told me the day of my graduation they wouldn’t be there. I was so hurt. I *am* so hurt. All the old anger and hate and rage came out again after that, and I have been acting like this horrible person for over a year now.
I stopped speaking to my parents this past Christmas, when my mother accused me of lying (yet again) over something trivial. I started to write her a long text to explain my feelings, but I realized before I sent it that she’s never listened to me (or understood me) and she’s not going to start now. I waste so much breath and so many words and she doesn’t get it. Our relationship was similar to that of two strangers or mere acquaintances, where we make small talk and never touch on anything controversial, deep, emotional, or potentially upsetting.
Her relationship with her mother (my Menaw) was bad as well. My mom was raised by her grandparents and took every opportunity to throw this fact into Menaw’s face. She constantly insulted her to her face and talked down about her at home to my brother and I. I realized that to have a relationship with my mother, I would either have to downplay myself and put on the mask that hides everything about me she doesn’t like and “be nice” or I was going to be hateful to her in an effort to “get back at her”. Basically either be someone I’m not or be the way she was to Menaw. Neither of those should be an option in a mother-daughter relationship.
There’s also the fact that my parents are *very* codependent and my mother never had any time for me if Dad was around. She would get angry at Dad for helping me with homework or college applications because I was taking time away from her. There were many times I was whipped, not for breaking rules or hurting someone, but for being too argumentative or headstrong, which basically pissed them (especially my dad) off. There were times I was whipped for reacting to something my younger brother had done to me. My last whipping came at 16 with a switch, and I had welps from my lower back all the way to my ankles, and I remember looking in the mirror and hating my father. The whippings I got were not just a few licks with a belt or a switch. When my dad would whip me he would be so angry, his face was red and his eyes scared the hell out of me. Sometimes there would be a set number of lashes (but more if I screamed), but most often he would just swing in fury until he got tired and until I was bawling, shaking, and hyperventilating. [Wow. I had to pause for a minute and cry. I didn’t realize how that still affected me.] These whippings started when I was elementary age. What made it worse (more unfair) to me was the fact that my brother rarely got whippings. I remember him getting a few, but there were times I’ve seen or heard my mother stand up to my dad and stop him from whipping him, and other times when my mom would not tell my dad stuff my brother did so he wouldn’t get a whipping. Dad never hit Mom, and he rarely whipped my brother. So I was literally the whipping “boy” (girl).
Now, neither of them work (another point of contention) and still, everything is a big secret with them as far as their finances and life go. Depression runs in my dad’s family (and probably other mental illnesses as well) so if that’s why he’s not working and if he’s getting a disability check, there’s no shame in that. But I’m left to speculate. I don’t see my family and I ever really talking again. There’s so many mental and emotional issues with my parents. My mother is obsessive about my dad not being in the presence of any other women and she cannot function outside of her home without calling my dad every so many minutes. My brother still lives at home and is disrespectful, hateful, unsocial, and has an extreme superiority complex because of his perceived intelligence. He is book smart, but he is also spoiled and takes no responsibility for any of his actions. He’s very ignorant about himself and his emotional/mental issues, the same way my mom and dad are.
Well, this is longer than I intended, but you did ask your readers to share!
Thank you for your work with this blog. I enjoy reading the articles on this website and they have been very helpful. They have gotten me to not react as much, and to experience my thoughts as they arise instead of reacting every time.
You’re welcome to vent Hidef … you need it! I too was whipped as a child with a riding crop, it scared the hell out of me as well. It takes a while to heal from these wounds, but it helps to realize that these people are in pain (you can only appreciate this fact after the anger subsides). This helps you to forgive them and move on.
@hidef I went through the same things. My father a brother are malignant narcissists. They endlessly try to destroy my life in every way…so it is important to know these personality disorder becos knowledge empowers. I am trying to get out of this completely. No contact is still hard becos they won’t let go. @alethia There is a big difference between getting beaten by a riding crop once and getting beaten usually I mean most of the days or everyday….it is not comparable…