This is an article for all those who have experienced regular grief and loss, and are struggling to move forward. And this article is also for those who have experienced grief so profound that it has become chronic and debilitating.
The latter variety of grief that is ongoing (for many years), is also known as complicated grief according to psychologists.
But complicated grief is not solely to do with the mind and heart, as those in the psychotherapeutic field would have you believe. Complicated and long-lasting grief goes much deeper than that – at its core, it’s to do with your Soul which is also known as your True Nature.
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Because complex grief is so deep-rooted, it also requires deep-rooted healing techniques and practices that are Soul-centered. Yes, it’s crucial to seek support from psychiatrists and therapists. But at the same time, it’s also essential to do some Soul-searching and work with yourself on a spiritual level.
Table of contents
What is Complicated Grief?
Complicated grief is what happens when a person, after experiencing a major loss, struggles to move through the natural cycle of grief and instead becomes trapped in their pain and devastation. Complicated grief is grief that never seems to go away, that continues for many years, and that cripples a person’s ability to function normally in the world.
15 Signs You Might Be Experiencing Complicated Grief
Pay attention to the following signs of complicated grief:
- You lost someone or something many years ago, yet you still feel the same amount of grief (or more) today
- You struggle to focus on anything else other than your sense of loss
- You feel emotionally numb and detached from reality at times
- You lack a sense of purpose and meaning of life
- You struggle to accept the death of someone and cling to reminders of them as much as possible (e.g., watching videos of them, listening to their voice, sleeping with their clothes, etc.) OR you avoid all reminders of the person as much as possible
- You have intense pining for the person who died that feels overwhelming
- You feel like a victim of life that has been punished cruelly
- You lack trust in others
- You feel disconnected from any Divine source
- You blame yourself or feel guilty for the person’s death (or the situation that caused grief)
- You struggle to live a normal life or function properly
- You isolate from others and avoid social activities at all costs
- You ruminate over how things could be different
- You struggle to see how life is worth living without your loved one
- You wish you had died along with your loved one
There is no right or wrong amount of time to grieve. Grieving is a unique process for everyone. But if you can relate to most of these signs and struggle to function in life, I strongly recommend reaching out to a trained psychotherapist or psychiatrist. Admitting that you need help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. Simply go to your internet browser and type in “grief counseling” and you will find many options.
Alternatively, if you feel suicidal, please reach out for support. There are so many skilled, caring, and compassionate people out there ready to help. Please hang in there. See this list of worldwide suicide crisis lines for help.
Causes of Complicated Grief
Complicated grief is an intense and prolonged form of grief that is experienced for a number of reasons. Common factors that increase the likelihood of experiencing it can include:
- The relationship you had with the person (i.e., how intensely close you were, how complex the connection was, etc.)
- How sudden, violent, or unexpected the death was
- Past history of trauma (for instance PTSD, C-PTSD) and whether it was resolved or not
- Personality type – that is, being an empath or highly sensitive person (HSP)
Does complicated grief only happen to those who have experienced the death of someone?
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No.
Complicated grief can also occur to those who have lost a partner (through a divorce), a house, a job, a friend, and so on.
Complex Grief and Being a Highly Sensitive Person
Those who have sensitively wired nervous systems (highly sensitive people) and deep feelers (empaths) are at risk of developing complicated grief simply due to their personality type/disposition. This is not to say that all HSPs or empaths will develop complex grief, but for some, there is certainly the possibility – especially if there has been a history of unresolved trauma.
If you think you might be an empath or highly sensitive person (or both), I’ll share some ways of moving through complex grief soon. But first, let’s examine how complicated grief is connected with an important spiritual experience known as the Dark Night of the Soul.
Complicated Grief, Soul Loss, and the Dark Night of the Soul
As we learned above, complex grief is caused by a variety of reasons, including previous unresolved trauma. But trauma is not just emotional or psychological – it’s also spiritual. In fact, in my perspective, all trauma, deep down, at a core primordial level, is spiritual.
Soul loss, or being disconnected from your Soul, is a pandemic we can see in society everywhere. We can observe it in the way we mercilessly use and destroy the earth, harm each other, and hurt ourselves. We can see it in our materialistic greed, our narcissism as a species, and our addictions that never seem to go away.
When we are disconnected from our Souls, our True Selves, our Higher Nature, we feel innately lost. Life loses its sacredness and meaning. We abandon reverence for brazen egotism. Our relationships feel empty and superficial. We don’t know what our life purpose is. Life feels mechanistic and barren. And we always carry a hole inside of ourselves that can never quite be filled.
If you can relate to these feelings, you might be experiencing soul loss, which is what inevitably leads to something known as the Dark Night of the Soul. The Dark Night is what happens when we feel totally disconnected and cut off from the Divine. Life may feel hopeless, desolate, and totally void of meaning. We may carry the sense that we’re like the living dead, dragging ourselves through an existence that leaves us feeling nothing but pain, disappointment, and sorrow.
But as horrible as the Dark Night sounds (and it is), it is a crucial part of the spiritual journey – the journey to reconnect with the loving, wise, and Divine part of us that is our Soul.
Complicated grief can serve as an initiation onto your spiritual path through the Dark Night of the Soul.
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The feelings of loss, longing, emptiness, and sorrow that you’re experiencing mirror exactly what those undergoing a Dark Night experience. The only difference is that those experiencing complex grief are seeing all their hope, freedom, and happiness bound-up in the lost person. On the other hand, those that enter the Dark Night who have no previous experience with complex grief see all their hope, freedom, and happiness bound-up in the Divine.
While one is longing for the person (who mirror’s your own Soul qualities), the other is longing for Divinity/God/Enlightenment. Both are due to Soul Loss. As such, complicated grief is a spiritual malady.
How to Move Through Complex Grief
Firstly, there are no magical instantaneous cures (although miracles can and do happen). So the guidance below is meant to help you rather than immediately cure you.
Again, please use this advice as a supplement to seeking professional psychological help. Sometimes the nervous system is so inundated that it needs intervention by a trained therapist or psychiatrist.
Also, please be gentle with yourself, as much as is possible. Go slowly, and if at any time you feel that any of these suggestions are too much too soon, stop immediately and take care of yourself.
Here are some paths for moving through complicated grief:
1. Practice basic self-care
Set a regular bedtime. Make at least one healthy meal per day. Get some sunshine. Take a walk. Drink enough water. See our self-care article for more guidance and a free printable self-care checklist.
2. Journal about how you feel
Journaling is a simple but powerful way to process your grief and get it all out in a physical, tangible form. Try journaling first thing in the morning when your mind is at its freshest (but any time during the day is totally fine). Feel free to vent all your feelings and let it all out. Read our article on how to start journaling for more help.
3. Give yourself permission to scream, cry, and let it all out
How would you like to physically process your grief? Does screaming into/punching a pillow, crying, laughing, or doing intense and intentional exercise appeal to you? Perhaps you feel driven to roll around howling and clawing at the ground. Whatever way you wish to process your grief is totally fine and important to honor. (Just make sure that you don’t hurt yourself.) If you are emotionally numb and struggle to feel anything, start little each day. For example, you might like to punch a pillow for ten minutes and see whether anything stirs within you. Physical catharsis is an important way of processing grief, so give yourself permission to let it all go – even if it looks/feels odd, ‘silly,’ or melodramatic. You have the right to let it all out.
4. Do some art therapy
You don’t need to be an artist to benefit from art therapy. Simply pick up some pens and a piece of paper and draw however you feel. To hell with the inner critic! Art therapy is a surprisingly simple but powerful way of processing grief. You can even celebrate your deceased loved one by creating a piece of art in honor of them.
5. Try mirror work
Please approach this activity gently as it can release a lot of emotions. Find a mirror in your house, close the door to ensure privacy, and gently gaze at yourself. If this is too painful, feel free to stop and try this a little bit every day until you’re comfortable with looking into your eyes. As you stare into the mirror, enfold yourself in a hug and cradle yourself. Eventually, as you practice this activity, you may like to say something compassionate but powerful to yourself such as, “I’m here for you,” “We can do this,” “I’m getting there,” “We’re strong.” See our list of morning affirmations for anxiety and depression sufferers for inspiration.
6. Reach out to someone
If you’re not ready to talk to friends or family members, reach out to a support group or supportive person. There are many support groups/people online and you might also find a few locally. Simply type in “grief support online” in your internet browser and see what comes up for you. If you are on social media, you can also find many groups and pages that are dedicated to grief. Simply look through grief-related hashtags (such as #griefsupport #griefjourney #griefrecovery) or search up grief-related pages. In fact, sometimes it’s a wiser choice to reach out to those who are intimately acquainted with grief and can adequately hold space for you. If you have a complicated relationship with those in your life, you might feel unsafe with them, which may be preventing you from reaching out. So the key here is to find a person or group of people in which you feel safe around. Feeling safe enough to open up is a crucial part of grief work.
7. Get to know your needs as an empath or highly sensitive person
If you are a deep feeler who has always been sensitive, you might be an empath and/or HSP. Consequently, you feel pain (and joy) to a greater degree than others. If this is the case, it’s important that you learn about your needs, in whatever way possible. For example, do you feel too stimulated by your environment (and is that distracting you from processing your grief)? Perhaps you need to take a vacation or create a space in your living area that is free of clutter. Does watching the news or going on Instagram stress you out? Perhaps you need to take a break in order to work through your complex grief first. You can read our articles on being an empath and a highly sensitive person for more guidance.
8. Reconnect with your Soul through prayer
First thing’s first, let’s put aside the religious connotations of prayer (you don’t need to be religious to pray). Secondly, there are many ways of reconnecting with your Soul, but prayer is one of the most simple and immediate paths. And for those experiencing complicated grief, there’s not much energy to do anything else.
Through prayer, we tap into the ancient practice of communing with something deeper within us. Even if you feel nothing at first, prayer helps you to access a glimmer of hope, a hint of light on the horizon. Prayer is also a way of reaching out for help and guidance, which is an act of self-love and healing in and of itself.
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You can pray in whatever way you like, as long as you like, to whomever you like. See our article on the power of prayer for more guidance.
9. Tap into your inner source of power and keep moving forward
Strength and the ability to overcome anything that life throws at you is your Divine right. You have a place inside of you that is imperishable, wise, and flowing with power. Please trust this and know that if you tap into your inner Spiritual Warrior, you will be able to handle anything that comes your way.
In my article on how to keep moving forward for those suffering alone, I list ten ways to tap into your inner source of power:
- Say to yourself: if you throw me to the wolves, I’ll come back leading the pack
- Take every day one step at a time
- Scream or ROAR
- Be a warrior, not a victim
- When it all gets too much, BREATHE
- Listen to empowering / emotional music
- Give your struggles a PURPOSE
- Find the lesson/gift in your circumstance
- Take care of your basic needs
- Be courageous and share your feelings with others
To delve into each of these points, keep reading this article on how to keep moving forward.
You might also like to pore through our article on how to access your inner strength during traumatic times for additional support.
***
Before you go I want you to know something: the strongest Souls are forged out of the most painful experiences. The deepest Souls are reborn from the ashes of the most excruciating pains.
What you’re going through has meaning: it has initiated you onto the spiritual path, whatever that looks like for you. Going through a Dark Night of the Soul is painful, but it is temporary. Eventually, you’ll be regenerated and resurrected to a new life of hope, direction, love, and happiness. The scars of your grief may never fade, but they will cease dominating your life. May you rediscover the light within your life.
If you have anything to share about your experience with complicated grief, please comment below. Let others know that they aren’t alone in their suffering.
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Thank you for another mind- blowing article. I have struggled a lot in the past. I am an HSP/empath. I guess my complex sorrow started when I was a child. We moved a lot of places and ended up in a place which didn’t suit us as a family. Our family culture contradicted the culture in which we lived. I have professional help and in addition I find a lot of resources on the internet that really helps, like this community. Thank you again for all your precious insights and work!
Thanks Bridget, it’s a pleasure to help. :)
My grief happened many years ago. It is complicated in the fact that my feelings and emotional values were so controlled and squashed by a dominating Mother and Passive Father. Mother controlled everything over all three of us. By ruling everything in a feminine but Narcissistic manner. I became just like my Sisters, experiencing everything in life through a gentle feminine approach,and ended up with a feminine personality.
I grew up with my two older Sisters, and being the youngest and third child, with about 6-7 years between myself and my eldest Sister. I was a very quiet child, sweet but naive to the ways of other children, fear filled at times. My early learning experiences were with held, due to personal fears, and retarded by strong views and ways of my Sisters and Mother. Father was often remote after his life experiences as a Prisoner of War left him quiet and often in pain.
I was a sweet fear filled child often. Much early learning experiences granted others were with held, due to the fact I was not allowed as I was not deemed ready to experience them according to my family. As they were on the surface ordinary people, but often secretive and saw others in negative ways, alien to family life. So I saw myself as not fitting in to family much, not living up to other people’s ways and means of doing things in life either. I became manipulative, cunning, spiteful, and would tease my Sisters as a way of releasing angry feeling. So half my early life was lived in a fearful way attempting to make sense of the fearful world away from Home . The other attempting to find ways of being deviant, and a little destructive.
As I was fed negativity and had constant doubts of how to do things the right way, I leaned heavily on every word from my Mother.. Which were often wrong negative and did not help!
One day I became interested in my Father’s new black motor bike, parked in the drive and wanted to sit upon it. I would have been 9-10 years of age at the time. My Father disregarded my Mother’s negative warnings an took me for a short ride up the side street. Sitting me in front of him, yet behind the handle bars. At first the experience was exhilarating, with wide eyed wonder, until a black dog jumped from the curb side, straight in front of us both. As there was no helmet or seat belt rules in those days, I flew over the handle bars, face first towards the bitumen. I can still recall seeing the road coming up at me…then I blanked out, awakening later in my Father’s arms, as he rushed me to the local Surgery across the main road from home. I had a cracked skull and needed to be fixed and bandaged.
It was never fully explained to me what had happened. As I was slower at learning and development after this accident. Plus this was perhaps the start of difficulties and fears that have bugged the hell out of me since that time.
Thank you for sharing this John Ambrose – the experience of flying off the motorbike and face-first onto the road must have been a tremendously confusing and scary experience. Coupled with having a very controlling mother, I can see how these all lead to complicated grief. Have you read the book “Iron John: A Book About Men” by Robert Bly? I feel like this book would be a very inspiring read for you. Thank you for sharing here <3
Thank you Aletheia – your work (Luna and Sol) is always so helpful. I always refer to your wisdom as I am experiencing this Dark Night of the Soul because you’ve been there and I appreciate your validation, empathy and hope.
I too have experienced much unresolved trauma and complicated grief and my life literally fell apart 4 years ago. I had been both a healer and emergency first responder for 40 years (I am now 62), running away from my grief, loss and trauma while helping everyone else.
I believe that my soul finally said, “enough” literally forcing me into this healing journey and dark abyss. I’ve been going through the symptoms of Complex PTSD, major depression, anxiety and an immune disorder now for 4 years with little relief. Thank goodness for Luna & Sol to help put words to my experience that I can’t articulate for myself.
I too am both an Empath and HSP and although I’ve known this my whole life, it’s finally sinking in. My nervous system has taken a beating especially having been an EFR (Wildland Firefighter) in Fight-flight-freeze most of my life.
No doubt that I’ve experienced soul loss and now I am working diligently with help from a great trauma therapist and grief support group, to do my ‘inner work’ and piece myself back together again.
It’s not an easy journey and many days, I just want to die but yet I keep putting one foot in front of the other and your work helps me have hope that this too shall pass in time.
Thank you for your honesty and support …… bless everyone who is going through this journey.
Sending so much love your way Bequi, you have the spirit of a true Soul warrior. Thank you for sharing part of your story here. <3
The timing of this article couldn’t be more appropriate. I am currently in what I believe, to be the middle of a dark night of the soul & have experienced a great deal of complicated grief. Although a more abstract form compared to a direct loss of someone, in this instance, I believe in my case initially stems from a great fear of abandonment & loss experienced by the fact I was born to a mother that did not know she was pregnant until she was giving birth resulting in a missing bond between a mother & unborn child followed by the subsequent adoption at only weeks old. The fear of abandonment & the undertone of loss has haunted me my entire life & led me to be a people pleaser putting others needs in place of my own for fear of losing them. It has been compounded & brought to the fore as I battle cancer for the second time at age 38. Something I believe to be a catalyst for great change in my life. This along with the recent passing of my father has, at times, resulted in feeling a great disconnect with my soul. I am also an INFJ & test highly & consider myself a HSP & an empath which Is both a blessing & a curse. I must say that finding this site has been a great source of help & has assisted in not only understanding myself but also lead me on a path to reconnect with my soul. I have a long way to go with the inner child & shadow work beckoning which I will undertake in time when the time is right. Others know that you are not alone in your suffering & there are more of us out there going through their own unique & challenging path.
Thank you for your courage and vulnerability, Carlos. The fact that you were born into such difficult circumstances (and carry such haunting wounds) is a testimony to the tremendous opportunity for transformation available to you in this lifetime. The most extreme heat and pressure forge the most beautiful diamonds. Lots of love <3
I’m grateful you specified that complicated grief doesn’t only happen to those who have experienced the death of someone, but that complicated grief can also occur to those who have lost a partner (through a divorce), a house, a job, a friend, and so on. That is the case with my own. (+ I’m working through a lot of unprocessed grief – such as earlier in life and even other lifetimes.) In some ways, grief related to divorce or similar losses feels more complicated and difficult to navigate bc the person is still around which creates all sorts of perceived possibilities of resolution that one typically can’t entertain when the person has transitioned.
Also, as someone who test high as an Empath and HSP, it also makes sense that this makes one more susceptible to complex grief bc of the capacity and tendency to feel so deeply. I’ve been struggling with profound and persistent grief for several years now. This grief has been recognized and worked with by spiritual teachers, intuitives, energy healers, shamans, and a psychotherapists. But it remains and always resurfaces. And it can be devastating when it does. I’ve been really frustrated and hard on myself for not being able to move through it already. I’m generally a very upbeat and positive type who doesn’t cling, values freedom, and understands the natural ebbs and flows of life. So it’s been really hard to understand why the hell it keeps resurfacing and I’m surprised at the ongoing layers of it. I think I get it now. No ones ever talked to me about complex grief.
This awareness increases my capacity for some self love and compassion and gives me hope it won’t always be so persistent. The tips are helpful, too. Great article. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing here Rushia. I can see how sincere and dedicated you are in working through this grief (with your mention of all the teachers, healers, shamans, and so forth that you’ve been to). What you might be interested in reflecting on is that sometimes the desire to heal is paradoxically a way of escaping/running away from what we feel. Perhaps the grief is resurfacing because it’s asking to be met and felt fully. In my experience, this is often the case. Perhaps the same goes for you too? I’m glad this article and understanding this term ‘complex grief’ helped. Much love <3
The timing of this article is both mystical and magical. I have been feeling a longstanding and profound fear around loss. As this article has said, it is rooted in unresolved trauma. I have recently, like literally three days ago, articulated this feeling to some sisters. This article has put a name to this feeling, giving me insight and some practical solutions. I appreciate every single word in this article and want to go on at the significance of it. I am grateful…scared…grateful…scared and hopeful. Thank You.
I’m so glad this article could give a name to what you’ve been experiencing Tamika, that is so important. Feeling the ups and downs of fear and hope is completely normal. Thank you for being open to feel what’s inside of you. <3
Uhh still in the dark night going on 8 years now! Yes it’s initiated me on to the spiritual path so I wouldn’t have it any other way. Suffering is medicine in this way and a tonne of karma is cleared especially through human suffering so it’s ultimately great. The longing for enlightenment and spiritually bypassing has been real so I’m just focusing on self care and inner child and shadow work now before spiritual practice..keep going!
Yes, the dark night can come and go in waves. But there is always, always hope. Thank you for sharing what’s been going on for you Lachlan. This path requires courage, and it’s inspiring to hear from others like you that are willing to dig into the depths of themselves! Much love
I believe I am an old soul brought back into time and space. I have experienced freedom from space-time, a slowing, an opening into the eternal. I have experienced what others describe as a near death experience, but have never died and been brought back in this lifetime. I know the great Light and the silent darkness beyond the Light that is nonetheless vibrant with creative potential. This lifetime has held not one but numerous encounters with spiritual darkness and void. Each time I am carried and healed by the Light and Love and Truth-boundless beyond imagination. I am just now coming out of another dreadful time of challenge. I have said over and over again that I want to go home, but now know I am still here for a purpose not yet revealed to my soul. I wait and heal while observing a very dark time descending on the earth, a reluctance for humans to notice and act, a denial, a deadening of our collective soul. I don’t know if I am in existential crisis or just waiting for the still, soft, gentle voice of the spirit. Any insights would be received with an open heart.
Perhaps you are experiencing both, Deb (existential crisis and waiting for voice of the soul). After all, our Soul is connected to the Soul of the world, so what we see going on around us impacts us on a deep level. It sounds like you would benefit a lot from the healing qualities of solitude, reflection, and down time (if you aren’t already during this crisis). Take good care of yourself. Sometimes the answers are revealed when we temporarily take our minds off seeking an answer. <3
I do not wish to say much. It is spirit loss, the loss of the incarnated spirit within me, that is my concern. My experience has given life to my understanding of the notion. I knew nothing of it before experiencing the return. It is puzzling. Either I was not able to perceive the unapparent spirit, or it was not there, for 57 years. When my spirit returned, now I know her, describing the difference in my life, and perception of being part of life, is beyond me, and most likely would be tedious to read. Rebirth is as painful as birth,I think, but leads to wonders again.
“Rebirth is as painful as birth,I think, but leads to wonders again” well said Isil. I think what you’re speaking of here is Soul Loss – and it too can be a source of complicated grief, especially amongst those who have no idea why they feel such a way. It’s like the longing to return to a home that never existed within you … at least that’s how I would describe it. I’m so glad you have experienced this spiritual connection returning to you. <3 much love
I really needed this. Thank you. <3
I’m glad this could help Lagi <3