Craving to Be Seen, But Fearing Being Known

“When I look I am seen, so I exist.” – Donald Winnicott, Pediatrician & Psychoanalyst

One of the biggest things I’ve observed in many other highly sensitive souls (including myself), is the strange paradox of craving to be seen, but fearing to be known.

There is this maddening desire to be witnessed, understood, seen, and valued. But also the opposing pull of wanting to hide, avoid, and fade into the shadows.

Yes, we can obviously tie this to earlier trauma. To emotionally immature and narcissistic parental figures who didn’t mirror or hold space for us properly.

The less obvious cause, however, is struggling to be a safe haven for ourselves. Not witnessing ourselves. Not meeting ourselves from a place of authentic intimacy. Perhaps even, self-objectification.

Self-Objectification – Seeing Ourselves as “Things”

Self-objectification is the opposite of self-acceptance. It is making ourselves into an object or a thing. It’s gazing at ourselves through the imagined eyes of outsiders, rather than witnessing ourselves from the inner eyes of curiosity and kindness.

This is where self-loathing and other toxic core beliefs come from – where the critical inner Judge takes up prime residence. Where our minds become a police state of self-surveillance. Why did you say that? You don’t make any sense. Your body looks weird. Stop standing like a constipated turkey.

In the words of John Firman and Ann Gila in The Primal Wound,

… we are treated as “It’s” rather than “Thou’s.” Here we are wrenched away from experiencing ourselves as feeling, thinking subjects and thrust toward experiencing ourselves as soulless objects. Our intrinsic, authentic sense of self is plunged into the experience of annihilation and nonbeing.

That last sentence is a real slap in the face, isn’t it? Annihilation and nonbeing. That’s what we experience when we don’t belong to ourselves. When we treat ourselves as objects. When we are treated as objects.

Logotherapy: The Will to Meaning

Now, I don’t say all this to point the finger of blame. We are the products of our environments, and our self-concepts are formed, or malformed, through our childhood experiences. 

We can’t control what happened to us. But we can control our relationship to what we went through, and who we are today. 

That is the whole premise behind Nazi death camp survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl’s logotherapy: the will to find meaning in whatever circumstances we face in life.

In his famous words,

“…everything can be taken from man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstances, to choose one’s own way”.

Why the Paradox?

Let’s tie this back to the strange paradox of craving to be seen, but fearing to be known.

Craving to be seen is a normal human desire. In fact, I would go deeper than that and say it’s a desire of the soul, the deeper, authentic self.

After all, to be seen is to be mirrored, to be acknowledged, to be valued, and therefore loved. It’s an affirmation that we exist; a fundamental, non-negotiable need of every human being.

Fearing to be known, on the other hand, is the result of being treated as though we don’t exist – by others first, and then by ourselves. 

It’s the consequence of being treated as an It, as an object, as an idea, as a thing by another person. Usually a caregiver initially, then internalized as a message about our own worth as individuals.

The Lone Wolf Path as the Healing Phase

I believe this is why so many sensitive souls become lone wolves: because solitude allows us to truly meet ourselves. Silence and stillness allow us to hear the inner voice that was silenced years prior. 

Walking the path of the lone wolf, that is, moving away from others to find out who we are, to become real again (versus objectified “things”), to finally belong to ourselves, is a healing path.

Of course, we can take that to the extreme and turn solitude into isolation, self-healing into self-obsession, and so on. But that’s not a discussion of this moment. (You can read more about toxic individualism and the lone wolf if that tickles your fancy.)

As a liminal and transitional phase, “lone wolfing” as I’ll choose to call it (thanks Mateo Sol, for that terminology), helps us to transform our relationship with ourselves, especially when done as a form of spiritual quest. 

To be seen, after all, we must truly learn how to see ourselves. How can we truly feel at home wherever we go if we’re always trying to source that home in others? What a precarious and scary position to be in. Our home can be taken away at whim, any moment!

Self-belonging is what allows us to be authentically seen, and also reduces our fear of visibility, freeing us to be known. Self-belonging is what allows us to be true to ourselves and therefore bridge the gap between craving to be seen and wanting to be known.

Again, this is why inner work: self-love, inner child work, and shadow work are so important (I’ve harped on about them for years). They help us to see and accept ourselves in our fullness.

Before, during, and often after comes embodiment work – that is, learning to calm the nervous system and get grounded, such as through yoga or energy work like Reiki. It’s what helps to integrate this work on a physical and energetic level.

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This post has been more contemplative and exploratory than usual. But I think it’s an important topic to discuss. It goes to the heart of why so many of us feel like outsiders looking in. 

I hope you’ve found any of your unexpressed feelings mirrored back in a clearer, kinder way. Self-awareness, in this day and age, is everything.

Tell me, what makes it hard for you to truly see yourself? Do you have any blocks? I’d be curious to hear in the comments.