An outsider is a person who quite simply does not fit in with existence-as-we-know-it.
Such a person is a fringe dweller, a dropout of humanity, a social oddball, and an alien endlessly coexisting in a society that doesn’t feel like home. On this website, we refer to the outsider as the “lone wolf” who walks through life with a feeling of inner isolation and disconnection. This isolation often gives birth to the longing and search for freedom, acceptance, and a true place to call “home.”
Can you relate to this feeling? Have you begun this quest?
There’s a reason why you feel this way, and it’s not because there is something defective or “wrong” with you. In fact, despite what you may feel about yourself and the world, being an outsider looking in is actually a huge advantage. I’ll explain to you why.
Why Do I feel Like an Outsider Looking In?
I have asked myself this question ever since I was about 10 years old. This sensation of being an outsider was originally triggered by my social rejection at school and religious condemnation at church.
In fact, I was practically raised being taught that I was an “alien on this earth,” and that Jesus could come back at any time and take me to my “true home” in heaven. So since the time I was born I have been indoctrinated with this idea.
Yet the feeling of being an outsider runs much deeper than religious brainwashing or being classed as one of the “unpopular kids” as a child. This feeling of being an outsider looking in is intrinsic, subterranean, and seemingly fundamental to my experience as a human.
And I know that you feel it too …
… otherwise, why would you be reading this article?
You have also carried this unshakable feeling with you. Sure, at some moments and periods of life you feel contented — but this feeling of not belonging always returns. Sometimes the feeling is subtle like a softly lapping lake at twilight. Other times, the feeling is overwhelming and makes you feel trapped in a never-ending desert of complete nothingness.
But it’s always somehow there in the background: in your interactions with people, in your observations, in your dreams, desires, and motivations, at the beginning and end of your day, and when you’re surrounded by others.
I know that you know what I mean. And this very feeling was why I decided to write in the first place. In fact, the feeling of being an outsider was the very catalyst for this entire website.
There are many reasons why you could feel like an outsider, but the most significant reason is that you were either born with or developed, an awakened soul.
We were all born with souls, but not all of us continued to feel that connection as we grew older. If you have felt like an outsider for most of your life, you are almost certainly a highly sensitive and spiritually receptive person. You have experienced first hand how isolating the ego can be. You know how unnatural it is to live in a society that is obsessed with fame, status, money, and power. You know how superficial, senseless, and insane living an ego-centered life is.
But you can’t quite verbalize this. You can’t quite understand what you’re going through because you’re inundated with feelings of being “strange,” “weird,” “different,” and “unworthy.”
You long for a home that you’ve never even experienced; a place to feel completely understood, loved, and cherished.
This place is your soul.
It is your soul — the true you — that seeks to experience itself again.
In other words, deep down, what you’re really craving for is truth.
The 10 Benefits of Being a Social Outsider
Every form of soul-searching starts off with the sensation of being an outsider. In fact, it is impossible to start the spiritual journey without this feeling. Without feeling like an outsider, what would motivate you to search for a true home or sense of belonging?
The very fact that you feel like an outsider indicates that your soul is trying to guide you towards true love, understanding, and freedom.
Almost every person I’ve spoken to in my time mentoring others has identified with this feeling of being an outsider looking in. All of these people have expressed a level of soulful maturity that surpasses the average person. In other words, these people saw beyond the pretensions of others, the rat-race of daily living and felt like there was much more to life than meets the eye.
Instead of unquestionably accepting what they had been taught, these outsiders were inquisitive and curious freethinkers.
Unfortunately, we’re often taught that being an outsider is a “bad” thing, and no wonder — biologically we are made to stay within the safe confines of our species’ groups. But there comes a moment in life where “playing by the book” is seen to be a miserable and unfulfilling absurdity. (Just look at all those people who followed the rules, got a good career, wife, children, solid salary, socially-approved status … and ended up miserable, empty, lonely, killing themselves, or dying prematurely due to stress-related illnesses. I’m sure you know one, or a dozen.)
So while being an outsider may seem isolating, it is actually profoundly beneficial for your life. I wish everyone had the opportunity to feel like an outsider because being an outsider is a catalyst for self-fulfillment, self-mastery, and self-realization.
If you have ever read the archetypal story of The Hero’s Journey from Joseph Campbell (that is repeated in every culture, time and period), you’ll realize that being an outsider is actually necessary for finding your true meaning and purpose in life. So the very fact that you feel like an outsider is actually a good sign: you’re on the right path!
It’s important that we learn to think of being a lone wolf as a good thing. Many indigenous cultures, such as those in Africa and Australia, actually encourage the younger members to go out alone in the wilderness to find themselves as a rite of passage. Without accepting that isolation is part of experiencing true connectedness, we get lost very easily. We start believing everything is wrong with us, when in fact, we are simply being driven to pursue something of more depth and spiritual significance.
If you are receptive to your soul, it is only natural that you will feel displaced in this world. But that is not necessarily a bad thing.
Here are some major benefits of being an outsider:
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- You are no longer constrained by the rules and beliefs of society as you can easily see through them.
- You are no longer brainwashed to think and act in a certain way.
- You have more freedom to listen to the voice within yourself more often.
- You have enough solitude to hear and understand what your heart really wants to do.
- You can see the bigger picture and not get lost in the details.
- You can connect with your soul more easily than others.
- You have been given the space and room to grow in whatever way you like.
- You have the opportunity to experience greater connection by finding a like-minded group of people, or soul group.
- The ability to observe others gives you a greater capacity for wisdom and also compassion.
- You have the necessary catalyst to experience self-fulfillment and self-realization should you choose that path.
Although being an outsider can be terribly lonely, it is a privileged position. Leaving the herd of humanity allows you to flourish and blossom in ways you never could experience while being “normal” and socially “acceptable.”
Finally, here’s a quote from Eckhart Tolle’s book (The Power of Now p. 173);
Being an outsider, to some extent … makes life difficult, but it also places you at an advantage as far as enlightenment is concerned. It takes you out of unconsciousness almost by force.
What does being an outsider looking in mean to you?
My dear friend committed suicide because he was alone on the inside. After his sister told me this it really bothered me because I didn’t know he had the same issue as I deal with daily. I didn’t understand what my issue was until I layed off the heavy drinking. My friend just kept drinking, you can’t drink excessively with this and survive. As far as this being spiritual, this has robbed me of my religion. No higher being would allow me to suffer all these years . I feel that I am an experiment for someone or something. They sit back and throw everything negative at me betting on when I will break. Jokes on them, I live to proof people wrong. No one can break me, but me . It hurts to watch a happy couple enjoy each other’s company, knowing that I am not allowed to do the same. I March to the beat of my own drum, and call cadence to that beat when I am all alone where I am most happy. For those of you who deal with this like I do, keep your head up. The one song that I really relate to is Tom Petty’s Running Down A Dream. That’s what my life feels like. Anyway, enough of my rambling. Smile big people, they will never know how you really feel.
I was a very strange and misunderstood child. I never fit in with my classmates and feel I did not fit in with my co-workers as an adult. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Although I make more of an effort to be friendly and approachable as an adult, I still am considered different. I have felt like an outsider all my life and probably feel this until the day I die.
I’m an outcast who belongs in the arms of my soulmate who I haven’t found yet.
Hi, thanks for the lovely words on outsiders. I,be just joined your site and wondered how normal it is to feel when you simply cannot relate to a group of like minded people? In brief I recently had psychic counselling with a truly beautiful woman who told me I was an old soul, after which I did my own research and was astounded by how much I can relate to the characteristics. The medium I saw mentioned she was running a six week course for people interested in crystal healing, numerology etc. It seemed I met her at the right time as I look after my very sick mother and time is mostly taken up with her care. At the point of mentioning I had an interest in what she was covering she told me about the course which was advertised on Facebook which I don’t,t have, so this was serendipity in my view. Yesterday evening I went along and the ice breaker was to share spiritual experiences with guides etc. I was the only person there who doesn’t,t have a guide who,s appeared to me! In the meditation part, everyone felt their guide in angel or bird form, some even named them. Again, I had nothing to contribute! Furthermore I spent the whole two hours in tears which I passed off as having been gardening too long. VI worry now that even in this environment where there are no ego,s that I am missing something?
I wonder if you could throw some light on this experience please?
Finally your life stories and experiences and how you have found each other and coped are truly inspirational and a gift to me at this difficult time.
Kind regards
Maggie
A much needed insight Aletheia ! Thanks for presenting it so simply and beautifully . Even though I have come to terms with my being an ‘outsider’ within family , friends and society I loved to know and read about it .I think I am in a twin flame relationship so that probably explains a lot . Keep writing and sharing .Lots of kove to you and Sol . Be happy , be blessed !
Well, this was very enlightening, and explained a lot about who I am.
Growing up I always felt disconnected, isolated. Not ever a part of the bigger whole.
I have long wondered why I always feel this way. Thanks for this.
Is this called “introvert”?
No, not all introverts are outsiders, or experience what is mentioned in this article.
Thanks for writing this. I needed it. I need advice though. I grew up in a very strict Christian (Apostolic) family and they don’t get me at all. They tell me I’m going through a phase, I’m a rebel without a cause and overall it has been very difficult for me.I tend to react negatively to them.Sometimes I make rude snarky comments ( which is not really me) and I want to find a better way to deal with them. I literally have only two friends that understand me and I rarely see them. I am left to live and work with people who do not understand me…and this makes me bitter. Nowadays I’m angry alot and I hardly have anything positive to say.The only time I feel like myself is when I’m on my own or around my two friends that understand me.I have to work and live with my parents so the only solution is to find a way to be myself while still living and working with them. My siblings see me being myself is me being disrespectful to my parents. I’m 24 and still have to attend church every week and find it hard expressing any of my beliefs without it turning into an argument. Also, I’ve always been very talkative. However, it really doesn’t feel like me. I’m usually very exhausted after talking to people, but I find I tend to do it to either explain/prove myself or I try to form a connection. I feel no connection whatsoever to my family. They do not feel like my family and where I live doesn’t feel like home.In a nutshell, most of my time is spent around people who reject me….How do I find a positive way to deal with this. Any advice?
Leave the pack. I grew up Apostolic as well and my father was a Pastor. What confining religious sect for a mystic like myself. I tried as best I could to fit in and the church and everything I grew up in made sense for awhile.Until. I experienced a profound existential spiritual crisis and eventually the cocoon burst and I couldn’t deny my new insights and questions if I wanted to. It caused at first, much dismay in my family and church and I doubted myself for a long time and wandered for awhile. I had to dig deep for the underground wells that would sustain me during that time. But I was determined to keep going until I found my way home. I encourage you to read Mary Oliver’s poem “Journey”. Beloved, sometimes you have to risk it all and take flight. The angels of Love will help carry you. Fear not.
Thank you so much. This article has really resonated with me. I’m so glad I stumbled across your website. Your insights are invaluable. Rochelle.
Yeah….the loneliness…..it is real. But I think we are born knowing it is going to be a lonely life. It helps that we are prepared from the time we are children to face it.
Still, in a strange sort of way, I feel so connected to the universe that I don’t feel as lonely when I stop and acknowledge it.
Connection to the universe helps with the isolation, because it shows that isolation stems from the egoic perspective only. :)
Hi,
…But as a “loner wolf” how do you live amongst others in society? We’re “working to survive … killing ourselves to breathe … following the mold… How to we get total freedom from other’s thoughts, financially (hey – we need money to survive on this Earth), and to breathe without feeling pressure ? I know it. I don’t believe in it (society in general) but I have to live here anyway. Any suggestions?
I feel the same way Valerie. Everything in the article really resonates with me, but how do we survive, or rather thrive, in this world that just makes no sense but we have to live in anyway? Some days even survival feels like a real struggle. It’s like you wrote: “killing ourselves to breath,” and forcing ourselves into a mold just so we can have a roof over our heads and food to eat. Most days just “working to survive” takes so much out of me there simply isn’t the time or space to be my lone self and really reflect and I feel stifled. I don’t have any suggestions, but I can relate. :-)
What can you do other than accept and work with what you have? Acceptance isn’t passive and lazy acceptance, but acknowledging what you cannot change. All you can truly change is your attitude and approach to life and living with others. Seeing the underlying humanity of all of us, and that which connects us all helps to get rid of that sense of separation, which after all, is a product of the ego.
Remember to ‘work to live’ rather than getting caught up in the ‘live to work’ crowd. Spend the time necessary and interact with others to the extent that you need to in order to meet sacred duty of feeding yourself and keeping a roof over your head. Beyond that, your time, thoughts, energy, and focus are yours to do with as you please. Deal with society when you have to, feel free to divorce yourself from it when you don’t. Unless you live like a hermit in the woods it is impossible to escape all human/societal interaction.
This article is love! ^.^ I am PROUD and HAPPY to be an outsider, I rewrote the script to my brokenness, despair and pain and turned it into enlightenment and purpose. And Lonerwolf played a huge part in this transformation, so thank you guys soooo very much for creating this website and helping us outsiders find ourselvs again :) :) :) :)
It is such an honor Tasha. <3
It feels like both a blessing and a curse, but the latter wins I guess, especially the loneliness, and the pain too.
I’ve been through the past few weeks in struggles. Stark, godforsaken loneliness flooded. It’s like I’m made up of it, every single particle. It never leaves. I’ve always been lonely in my life.
When it’s really really bad, loneliness is my only company. I learned to accept and understand, I mean it’s been years, but still… Even after I read this article.
I’m running out of words to describe
I know that anguish Ika … it feels soul-sucking. It helps to know that others feel this too … but the ego tends to adopt a myopic perspective believing that it is all alone on the planet. Sometimes the only option is to take joy in your own company and learn to distance yourself from the mind, recognizing that the truth of who you are goes deeper than thought or identity, but exists as eternal and unchanging Presence. Other times it helps to take risks and follow one’s intuition which opens new dimensions and introduces new, like-minded souls into one’s life. But the loneliness is very real, yet when we identify with it as “my loneliness” instead of simply a feeling that comes and goes, we suffer.
Soul sucking loneliness is an understatement
It’s the _aloneness_ which is what I notice the most. In an intellectual way, mostly…
Oh, I can grok why someone would be lonely, per se–but there a subtle but significant difference between aloneness and loneliness. The latter is an emotional feeling associated with the former, which is purely a state of life. I can perfect what I call my Buddha Mode (nonattachment) all day long, and thus there is no loneliness, but it doesn’t change the fact that I remain alone, no kindred spirits to be found, anywhere.
As one of my favorite song goes, can you find me a Witness amongst these Shades…
Great article. Thank you!!! I can totally relate.
I’m glad to hear that Tatiana!