Let’s face it: pretending to be someone you’re not is one of the most disturbing experiences in the world.
And realizing that you’ve pretended to be someone else is arguably even more distressing.
But what do we do once we realize we’re not being honest with ourselves?
All too often people make a big drama about expressing “authenticity,” when in reality, being true to yourself is quite simple. But it isn’t for the fainthearted. In order to be true to yourself, you need courage. However, thankfully courage is a source of energy we all have access to no matter how insecure we feel.
If you feel like you’re living a lie, forgive yourself. It’s OK! So many of us feel the same way. In fact, learning how to be true to yourself is all a part of the human growth experience. When we come into this life we are practically destined to live inauthentic lives at some point. Often, we need to first discover who we’re not being authentic in order to uncover who we truly are deep inside. So don’t worry. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. You aren’t at fault. But now that you have woken up out of the dream, it’s time to do some serious soulwork.
29 Signs You’re Living a Complete Lie
Almost every person in existence, at some point, has stopped and stared blankly at their lives. Sometimes this feeling of inner emptiness is accompanied by feelings such as surreal dissociation or the sense that “this isn’t my life.”
Others of us feel smothered by the weight of our social masks and responsibilities, resulting in states of chronic anxiety and insomnia. And sometimes, we feel a heavy numbness inside that swallows up our lives in depression.
Realizing that we’re not walking the right path can come gradually, like day fading into night, or all of a sudden, like an avalanche consuming everything around us. What did that realization feel like to you?
For me, the realization that I was living a complete lie dawned on me slowly, across the span of a year. I felt increasingly confused, disoriented, anxious, depressed, and my mind spiraled into a very dark place. Thankfully I managed to get out of that place (and I’ll share how I did that near the end of this article). Ultimately, my decision to be true to myself resulted in burning bridges with my entire fundamentalist Christian family– but the leap into the unknown was completely and utterly worth it. I have never felt happier, more whole or more fulfilled!
Think you might be living a lie? Here are some red flags to look out for:
- You feel trapped
- You feel unheard, unseen, and undervalued
- You feel alone
- Your smiles hide terrible pain
- You’ve tried to make your life “socially acceptable”
- You’re obsessed with pleasing others (i.e. flaunting empty praise, overextending yourself, gaining approval, etc.)
- You’re tired of putting on fake personalities
- You base your self-worth on how others perceive you
- You have sacrificed all of your desires and dreams
- You rarely feel true happiness anymore
- You constantly carry a feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach
- You have forgotten what makes you feel joyful and fulfilled
- You escape your reality through addictions
- Life feels bleak and dreary
- You’re constantly exhausted
- You feel bored with life
- You have a feeling that you’re living in autopilot mode
- You feel like you’re about to “snap”
- You carry a heart full of regrets
- You keep daydreaming about what “could be”
- Your mind is obsessed with the past
- You have trouble expressing your true self
- You’re surrounded by judgmental and unsupportive people
- You look at your life and feel like it’s “not yours” anymore
- You hide many secrets from others
- You’re scared to express your feelings and thoughts openly
- You keep self-sabotaging
- You struggle with self-loathing
- You feel like you don’t know who you are anymore
Stop and reflect on these signs. How many resonated with you? The more signs you said an internal “yes” to, the more likely you’re living an inauthentic life.
10 Ways to Be True to Yourself
It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. – E. E. Cummings
Each and every one of us has a destiny, a true life path, a deeply significant soul mission. When we innocently listen to others and try to conform our lives to their expectations, we come out of alignment with our ultimate life purpose. It’s not that we choose to deliberately walk the wrong path, instead, our fractured lives are the result of unconsciously conditioned autopilot living.
We are taught since childhood to listen to our “elders” and be obedient to society. But although fitting in helped us to learn the lesson we needed as children, pleasing others becomes an outdated pattern of living in adulthood. As adults, we need to learn how to stand on our feet and make decisions that come from our heart and soul, rather than from what others (our parents, friends, lovers or culture) tell us – this is true adulthood.
If you are craving to connect with your soul and be true to yourself, here are some good pieces of advice (and don’t worry, you can do these things even if you feel terrified):
1. Take responsibility for your happiness
Seriously sit down and think about this: are other people responsible for making you happy, or are you responsible for your happiness? When we aren’t being true to ourselves we tend to let others (or fate) take hold of our lives. This passive approach breeds nothing but unhappiness and disappointment. Don’t be a passive bystander: take your life by the balls and reclaim the reigns! No one is responsible for your life but you. No one is responsible for making you feel fulfilled but you! The moment you step up to the challenge is the moment you start to feel empowered again.
2. Get out of your mind and into your heart
We need both the mind and heart to work in unison with each other, yet we are taught to worship the mind and trivialize the heart. If your mind is constantly racing and full of thoughts, take a step back. Find some way to relax your mind so that you can listen to your heart again. Remember that your heart is the doorway to your soul. Whatever your soul wants to communicate will be felt in your heart. Some great ways to relax the mind include breathing techniques (like pranayama), meditation, qigong, yoga, guided visualizations, and mindfulness.
3. Deliberately remove unsupportive and toxic people
It’s important that we show compassion to negative and judgmental people, but we don’t have to keep them around. Think about people who you would prefer not to be around, and experiment with distancing yourself from them. If you discover that you life is much lighter with certain people gone, make the decision to cut them out of your life, with kindness. Be thankful for the role they played, but move on and find new friends or family members.
4. Stop avoiding yourself
Rediscover who you are. Sit down and explore your thoughts in a journal or find a way of expressing your feelings through art, movement or some form of creativity. You don’t need to be a perfectionist: just allow yourself to reconnect with your inner self. Make sure you set a clear amount of time every day to do this or you might find ways of procrastinating or conveniently “forgetting.” Try to set aside at least ten minutes, but aim to increase these self-discovery sessions to half an hour or more.
5. Accept yourself and stop trying to be “likable”
If you feel that being hated or disliked is one of the worst things that could happen to you, you’re likely a people-pleaser. People-pleasers have a very frail sense of self as everything they do is centered around gaining approval and recognition from others (look into the topic of enmeshment for more background information). In order to move past people-pleasing, you need to learn how to find self-worth within yourself, rather than from others. When you love and accept yourself, you have no need to please others and pretend to be someone you’re not. In order to love yourself, you need to show kindness, forgiveness, compassion, and genuine care towards yourself. Remember that you, just as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and affection.
6. Learn how to say “no” and walk away
When we base our self-worth on the opinions of others, we tend to struggle with being assertive and drawing boundaries. Saying “yes” to people and commitments when we want to say “no” is one of the most depleting and disempowering choices we can make. There is nothing noble about self-sacrifice, especially when it’s fuelled by fear. The more we sacrifice our needs in place of others desires, the more we become bitter. Don’t let this anger build up. Learn how to say a respectful and firm “no” in the kindest way possible. Negotiate if you must, but don’t allow people to walk over you. If assertiveness is a big issue for you, read a book like “Where to Draw the Line” by Anne Katherine or attend a workshop to help you build this invaluable skill.
7. Connect with your feelings more
Do you have a habit of repressing your emotions? If you feel a sense of inner numbness or disconnection from yourself/others, pay attention. The more you bury your emotions, the more they fester within your unconscious mind and manifest as illnesses, nervous breakdowns, explosion of rage, and even mental illnesses. In order to be true to yourself, you need to connect with your heart. If you believe in the chakra energy system, you might like to explore heart chakra healing. Otherwise, try some form of catharsis to cut through the wall of emotional numbness. Try screaming, shouting, crying, laughing or anything that actively works with your body (one great technique is called dynamic meditation). When your emotions start to come out, be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed at first, realizing that emotional expression is healthy and vital to your well-being.
8. Forgive yourself
Does a part of you feel like you’re unworthy of living a completely full and happy life? Forgive this self-loathing part of you. If you find it hard to forgive, forgive your lack of forgiveness. Letting go of any anger that you hold towards yourself will help you to find the freedom to make real change and live a life that feels authentic. Don’t blame yourself for the predicament you find yourself in: you were simply doing the best you could with the knowledge and level of awareness you had. Mistakes are a normal part of life. And really … are there any mistakes? Or are there just opportunities to learn and grow? Now that you’ve woken up you are blessed with the ability to make conscious decisions. What a relief!
9. Be honest with yourself
Tell the truth: are you really happy? Is this how you pictured your life? Learning how to be true to yourself is all about honesty and transparency. You might be able to deceive yourself for a little while, but eventually the truth will come out, so you might as well be honest. Even though truth can be hard, it is like an elixir for your soul. As the proverb goes, “the truth shall set you free.”
(Bonus) 10. Dare to dream
Throw all social respectability out the window! Beyond what every intrusive voice in your life has ever told you to do … what do YOU really want to do with your life? What is calling your heart? What do you feel passionate about? What secret dream have you had since childhood? Even if you can’t answer any of these questions, experiment a little! Give yourself the permission to be unconventional and try new things. Don’t let other people’s opinions tie you down – only you can ultimately discover what your ultimate life path is. Only you can listen to the call of your soul. So dare to dream a little. Spread your wings and take the plunge. Yes, you will probably make “mistakes.” But each mistake you make helps you to learn and mature. Nothing in your life is pointless if you see the soul lesson within it. Connect with your true Self and trust your strength. Enjoy the feeling of flying free!
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This above all: to thine ownself be true … – Shakespeare
Coming out of the closet, revealing your true colors, and listening to the call of your soul can all feel terrifying at first. But in the end, the longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You are with yourself 24/7, so learning how to be true to yourself is vital if you’re to live a vibrant and fulfilling life.
Finally, don’t forget to laugh. Be playful. Laughter is good medicine. When you stop taking yourself so seriously, you can enjoy the dance of life just as it is, without all the drama. So don’t forget to enjoy the ride!
If you have any more suggestions on how to be true to yourself – or life-changing stories – please share in the comments!
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. – Richard Bach
I am dating a woman who is a little bit older than me.She has a child.I love her so much but she comes up with excuses of age.She has been with older guys but none of them appreciate her.I am willing to be serious with her to the point of marriage but she has this mentality of what other people think of her.I feel she loves me but she hesitates too much it’s like she’s ignoring her feelings.I don’t hide my feelings from her.She’s not being honest with herself and that means she’s hiding somethings from me.I am not going to judge her even if she has done some things in the past that were unacceptable.I believe her past does not define her future.What matters to me is love and not what others think of us.Life is too short to spend on what others think.I am in my 30’s now.I make her happy.She wants me to come to her country.She tries to avoid me by calling me her brother.I don’t like that at all.It’s like I am being undervalued.Here I am being true to myself.I am not playing games at all but she’s so cold.She’s denying herself of the opportunity to be happy till death.If she looses me then she’s the unlucky one.
Still struggling with this one, it is a heavy load to bear.
Thanks to your articles I am on my way of leading the life I want and it feels amazing. I can be proud of myself, be content with the life I have. I still care about what other people think, but way less then I did before. Before I lived for others, now I live for myself.
I am now a 64 yr. old woman and have lived my life according to the norms of yesterday. We were not allowed the freedom to even consider most of your points in this article. Even as a young adult, because of my gender and where I lived, I couldn’t even open a checking account without a man co-signing. Most of the items on your list were not realistically available. We had to be ‘likable’, had to conform to what was expected, or we lived in poverty and abusive situations. We couldn’t remove the ‘toxic’ people from our little lives, as those were the ones who were our bosses at work. If we didn’t ‘obey’ and follow what was expected, our survival was at risk. Unfortunately the recent movies ‘Loving’, and ‘Hidden Figures’ accurately portray my youth.
Thank You for continuing to encourage the changes that must be made in everyone and thus to society at large, to make it possible to achieve being true to oneself. Keep speaking out, the necessary changes won’t come any other way. But please also be compassionate to those who truly do not have opportunity of these choices. Too many are just doing the best they can to survive, even if that means not being able to be true to yourself because you have kids to feed. Many have willingly sacrificed our own truth, to give truth to our kids. Many of us moving into our senior years face so many true obstacles that limit our choices. We’re doing the best we can, with what we have.
I am from the USA and I live in the North East. I do not know where Maria is from? Is she from another country? Why couldn’t you ever consider Aletheia Luna points in the artical? Are you from Iran or a similar country to it. Personally I never lived with abuse but there are several people here that do.
It does bother me when I see a child abused and even an adult, my heart goes out to them.
I made a lot of mistakes in my life that I regret. I was also afraid to stand up for what I thought was right. My mother would holler and scream if she couldn’t get what she wanted the time she wanted it. For this reason I was not brought up to face my problems the way I should have. I can’t go back into the past to correct everything. I am going to be 69 this month.
I am doing the best I can in the situation that I am in. Maria my heart goes out to you.
the connect with your feelings part resinanted like nothing ever said to me before. I am often repressed in m feels and i feel numb until i emplode. it felt good to read this to know there’s hope. Thank you i actually want to cry tears of joy
I can’t say that i am not satisfied to have read this. The topic makes me feel much relieved. All the fear and doubts i have carried to be true to myself for so long suddenly gone. I am positive to take my life back on the ground. This article helps me to rebuild my true-self. Thanks
Oh btw, much love to you and your website! :)
This is interesting. I felt out of my life path when I was pushed into attending school. It just felt wrong for me. However, I always feel lost now at 22. I have massage therapy qualifications, a steady practise of yoga and experience in shamanism. Yet, I feel like I need to focus on worldly materialism to find balance. What is your opinion on university degrees? I am thinking I could study naturopathy or something. They are so expensive and time-consuming…
I struggle to be myself !
For years I have put on a posh voice so people think I come from a good family. (I didn’t; lots of abuse)I am embarrassed by this now and what to learn what my real voice is?
I very much like the bit in your article that says forgive yourself, thank you Aletheia, I, like the lady who commented above have also gained so much from your writings.
yvette x
This topic resonated with me so much. I found myself seeking professional help in order to deal with the pain I felt in my heart. I am glad to say it’s been working and reading your articles has quadrupled the results Sol and Luna and the entire Loner wolf pack I appreciate your earnest and true gift of soul work.
Mogomotsi, I so appreciate your comment. Reading comments such as yours is precisely what drives and motivates me to keep going. Thank you so much for sharing your progress. The road can be long and hard, but there is always help along the way!
Hello and thank you for this article. I am in the process of letting many masks go. I was in such emotional pain and so lonely for myself. Yes it does take courage to step out and be myself, create healthy boundaries and just enjoy life and who I am. But I am willing and I have felt a energy being restored in me and a playfulness. Sometimes I feel like I am double talking to myself. What I mean is I can hear what my words are saying to other people. Sometimes I am real and sometimes I want to people please. But the great news is that I am becoming aware of all of this. I am growing and getting to know the “real” me. It has been a long time since I have felt good about myself deep down. So this article really hit home and I am grateful it came my way.
I find it interesting how you mention your ‘energy being restored ‘ in you because this is a clear sign you’re making inner progress. When we learn to understand, accept, and integrate the many sides of our nature, more and more energy is released and freed up within us because we’re no longer repressing certain things in the unconscious. This is great news Carolyn and you should be proud of yourself! You are definitely not alone in wearing masks — I’m a big people-pleaser as well, so it takes a lot of courage to become aware of these patterns and break free of them.
Hello! I deeply appreciate the step by step approach to forgive, opening my heart, learning to be my true self, taking time to listen to my heart without criticizing myself as I often do. Thank you so much for your loving guidance.
Thank you Liz. <3 I hope the advice here continues to prove useful for you!
These advice articles always feel like they’re written for people who haven’t faced true hardship and have lived a relatively privileged life. To me, what I really want is to be in a different reality and to die. But no advice given ever supports that choice even though it coukd very well be the right one. Too much stigma surrounds those who want to die. If life itself makes people unhappy telling them to “just find happiness” is the most useless thing ever. For those of us who don’t lived privileged lives, happily ignoring the suffering around us, these advice article are alway bs. Here’s a question. How to find happiness in a world full of narcissists where infants can be raped, murderers get short time in jail and have actually been let free, people get abused on a day to day basis all the while knowing there’s nothing you can do to stop it?
The fact that you are writing about your feelings is that you want help to get out of the narcissist world you live in. There is always a way to find your true self.
I agree with Ursula
Mids, I know what it feels like to think the world is a dark and horrible place to live in; the feeling that you don’t want to live here or exist in this realm anymore. The loneliness, the horrors everywhere … and to deny that these horrors exist is just another form of spiritual bypassing so often seen in the ‘spiritual community.’ But to say that articles such as this are written for people who haven’t experienced “true hardship” is sorely misguided and shortsighted. How can you possibly assume to know what the people here have experienced or seen? Yes, there are different degrees of hardship, but all degrees of hardship are legitimate, no matter whether you have gone through a breakup, or you have witnessed a baby getting ripped in two.
Here’s an answer to your question: “How to find happiness in a world full of narcissists where infants can be raped, murderers get short time in jail and have actually been let free, people get abused on a day to day basis all the while knowing there’s nothing you can do to stop it?”
A: Don’t avoid or bypass this reality by escaping into spiritual delusions that are created to conveniently ignore other’s suffering. Furthermore, be careful of developing a melancholic and lopsided perception of reality that doesn’t allow the presence of good and purity to enter into the dance of life. Life is full of both horror and beauty. By focusing only on one side, we suffer, and fail to see the whole picture. Go to the root of the suffering you see: why are babies raped? Why are people tortured, and why is there so much injustice? Why is there constant suffering? Does the suffering originate “out there” or does it originate “in here” in our minds? If you explore this question deeply enough you will realize that the best any person can do in life is to master themselves; to do their soulwork, to mature instead of stagnating in the psychologically puerile mindsets that have created all the issues in the world in the first place. You will then understand that an article such as this has its place in the scheme of inner development. True change doesn’t come from changing any external system but changing our inner selves. The more we can love and accept ourselves, the more we will love and accept others — and that will spread like wildfire.
Thank you, Luna :)
It feels so good to be home :)
<3