At some point or another we’ve all heard these words before:
“Suck it up princess!” “Be a man!” “Stop being a cry-baby,” “Get over it,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Get thicker skin!”
While these words were likely spoken without consciously intending us long-term harm, they nevertheless point to a common and undeniably tragic truth in our society: that expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness, rather than strength.
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If you were born into an emotionally repressed culture that valued the “masculine” ideals of efficiency and logic, it is likely that you struggle with some level of emotional numbness.
If you were born into a family that shunned any form of strong emotional expression, it is even more likely that emotional numbing is an issue for you.
And if you experienced an extremely traumatic life event that was simply too overwhelming for you to handle (from which you haven’t recovered), I can almost guarantee that you suffer from emotional numbness.
So how does emotional numbness impact virtually every part of our life? And what advice can I share with you after going through my own struggle with this issue? Keep reading and you’ll find out.
Table of contents
What is Emotional Numbness?
Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism employed by the mind to avoid intense and overwhelming emotions such as fear, hatred, jealousy, and grief. When you go emotionally numb, you lose the ability to feel and experience your emotions on a psychological and emotional level. In this sense, emotional numbness is often clinically connected with dissociation, which is the disconnection from one’s memories, identity, environment, body, or senses.
What Causes Emotional Numbness?
As with most issues, emotional numbness goes back to childhood and the way we were raised by our parents. Being abused by our parents physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or spiritually can contribute towards our inability to self-regulate emotions, which results in emotional numbness. Feeling alienated or disconnected from one or both of our parents, or family at large, can also contribute towards emotional numbness. Being punished whether directly or indirectly for expressing our emotions in childhood also creates emotional numbness.
Numbing our emotions may also start after a severely traumatic experience, such as witnessing acts of violence, being assaulted, experiencing rape, suffering intense loss, or anything that we didn’t have the capacity to psychologically and emotionally handle in the moment. For this reason, emotional numbness is often a symptom of PTSD and various anxiety disorders. You can take our free emotional trauma test to explore this further.
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Emotional numbness is also influenced by our culture and wider social circles, particularly those that emphasize being stoic, rational, and emotionally invulnerable (e.g., British, Chinese, American, Russian).
The Danger of Emotional Numbness
If you even have the slightest inkling that you might be emotionally numb, it’s time to listen up. Emotional numbness is not a small character flaw or minor area of self-growth to improve in – it is a serious problem which needs to be addressed immediately.
Speaking from experience, emotional numbness has formed the root of many issues I have faced (and still continue to face) in my life. Due to my upbringing in an emotionally stunted, dogmatically religious family whom I felt disconnected from for the majority of my life, I never learned how to handle strong emotions. I was punished verbally, emotionally or physically anytime I expressed strong emotions, and freethinking or any form of dissent was rejected, resulting in being ostracized.
The combination of having a British father and a mother who was traumatized by her own emotionally unstable mother – on top of an oppressive fundamentalist religion – led to grooming me as a stoic and “stable” person who was taught that expressing emotions was not only bad but shameful.
As you can see, sometimes there are numerous factors at play that may contribute to your inability to regulate intense emotions, and therefore resort to unconsciously numbing them. In my case, I learned that strong emotions = punishment in one form or another, and so I learned that they were dangerous to experience.
The danger of disconnecting from your emotions is that it can lead to a host of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Such issues may include dysfunctional coping mechanisms (obsessive compulsions), mild to severe depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses (illnesses produced by the mind).
In extreme cases (and I’m talking about situations where emotional contact is nil), emotional numbness can lead to acts of cruelty.
Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?
I call emotional numbness the secret illness because it is so pervasive in our society, and so socially acceptable, that it often flies underneath the radar. In a society that largely doesn’t know how to handle strong emotions in healthy ways, being stoic and “level-headed” is valued – yet this very same calm and collected facade often conceals unhealthy detachment from one’s feelings. Thus, emotional numbness is a secret illness because so many of us struggle with it, yet don’t even realize that we have it until chronic issues start emerging.
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13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness
Emotional detachment is not always a bad thing. It comes in handy when you need to maintain boundaries, avoid undesired energy overload from others, and even help others in crisis situations. But emotional detachment turns into its unhealthy twin (emotional numbness) when it becomes an automatic inner defense mechanism.
“What’s so great about feeling strong emotions?” you might ask. The answer is that without feeling our emotions, we don’t have the capacity to live and learn from them or experience the beauty and depth of life.
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Here are some of the most significant signs of emotional numbness that you should look out for:
- Inability to express strong negative or positive emotions
- Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e., feeling like you’re a passive observer)
- Feeling that life is like a dream (a sense unreality)
- Living on autopilot
- Lack of interest in activities others find enjoyable
- Feeling distant from others
- The tendency to withdraw from friends and family members
- Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind (or else are completely muted in the body and show up only as illness)
- Dislike of people who express strong emotions (both positive and negative)
- Not feeling anything in situations that would usually generate strong emotion
- Panic or terror when strong emotions eventually breakthrough
- Feeling empty inside
- Physical and emotional numbness or “flatness”
In extreme circumstances (such as in PTSD sufferers), emotional numbness may even influence the desire to commit suicide. If you are considering suicide, please seek out support immediately (click here to locate your country’s suicide hotline).
How to Overcome Emotional Numbness
Like any psychological defense mechanism, emotional numbing can be complex to deal with, and often requires support from a trained professional such as a therapist.
If you feel that emotional numbness is significantly impairing your life, please do an act of self-compassion and seek out support either locally or online (there are even free counseling services online such as 7cups).
For the time being, here are some helpful practices which I have personally found to increase my ability to feel, cope with, and express strong emotions:
1. Anchor yourself to your body
As mentioned above, emotional numbing is connected to dissociation (mental disconnection from one part of yourself). In my case, whenever I experience strong emotions, my automatic response is to either (a) only feel the emotions in my body, not my mind, or (b) to have a complete meltdown. In both cases, one of the best self-soothing mechanisms I’ve learned is to anchor myself to my body through mindfulness and physical contact. Similar to what a mother does with her child, I tightly but gently hold one area of my body – usually my hand or stomach. This method helps me to feel contained and grounded in my body.
I also recommend using shapewear or a pressure vest to help you in extremely emotionally turbulent periods to anchor yourself to your body (here is a good example of shapewear). Shapewear is used by women and men to keep “love handles” and other body parts slim and defined. For our purposes, shapewear is like a hug to the body that will help you feel safe and ‘held together.’ Pressure vests are a little more expensive and they are used by people with sensory integration disorders (such as autism) to relax.
2. Deep breathing
Whether used alone or in conjunction with the above-mentioned technique, deep breathing is a simple and easy way to help you mindfully move through whatever you’re experiencing. This practice is particularly useful when intense feelings such as fear or rage break through. There are many books out there that talk about the importance of deep breathing (such as this one), and there are many online tutorials with breathing techniques. I recommend sticking to something simple, something you don’t have to think about too much, and something that doesn’t feel forced. The point of deep breathing isn’t to follow someone else’s technique perfectly, it is to use your breath (in whatever way suits you), to calm your mind and body. Also, I recommend breathing slowly, deeply, and softly instead of forcing deep breaths (which can increase anxiety) – let your breath be natural. Read more about how to relax using deep breathing.
3. Keep a journal of sad thoughts
I realize this suggestion may sound a tad bit melancholic, but it’s a practice worthy of your time and effort, particularly if you’re wanting to feel and express your emotions. Journaling is also a powerful form of shadow work (a way to express what you would usually suppress).
In a physical journal or online diary, spend five to ten minutes every day writing down something which triggers even the slightest pang of sadness in you. For example, you might write down a memory of your dog who died, an issue in the world, something someone said to you, a scene from a movie, a daily struggle … or virtually anything that is upsetting (or what you imagine would be upsetting).
Creating a sad thoughts diary has two main benefits. One, it helps you express your emotions, even if in an indirect way at first. And two, it acts as a catalyst for feeling and letting out your emotions, particularly when you need momentum (I’ll elaborate more on this soon). Learn more about how to journal.
Always try to finish your sad thought journalling with something uplifting, like reading the uplifting news subreddit, spending time with someone you love, playing with a pet, or watching something entertaining on youtube or Netflix.
4. Catharsis (let it all out, baby!)
When emotionally numbing ourselves becomes our default defense mechanism, we tend to have a huge amount of suppressed emotion lying just beneath our conscious awareness. In order to safely and effectively express your suppressed emotions, try some form of catharsis. Catharsis may involve screaming into or punching a pillow, using your sad thoughts journal (mentioned above) to stimulate sadness and crying, intense emotional-fuelled exercise, impassioned dancing, or an active meditation.
Regular catharsis should be a must on your journey. Without regularly ‘letting it all out,’ you run the risk of experiencing the repercussions of festering emotions (i.e., depression, emptiness, chronic illness, etc.).
5. Yoga and self-massage
Yoga is a well-known way of helping to clear and balance your energy. Not only that, but yoga often has a way of releasing emotions stored in the body. I recommend doing slow and gentle forms of yoga such as Hatha yoga for at least ten minutes a day. Remember, the goal isn’t to become some Instagram-perfect yoga star; it is to connect with your body, mind, and heart.
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The truth is that our unexpressed and repressed emotions are often stored within our bodies. I like to think of our bodies as being reflections of our unconscious mind: they are maps that help us to figure out what we are keeping locked away, and what unresolved issues we need to face. In my article about chronic muscle tension, I list the nine types of emotions trapped in different areas of the body. In order to release these emotions, I regularly use something called the ‘Acuball’ to introduce fresh blood flow and energy into these tense areas. I like the Acuball because it gives me a deep tissue massage, while also helping me to stay grounded in my body, relax, and release pent-up stress. (You can get the Acuball here).
6. Creatively express your feelings (or lack thereof)
Write a song, doodle in a journal, paint a picture, create a collage, find some way of expressing what emotion you last felt. If you struggle to feel anything at all, express that artistically. Grab those greys and blacks and turn that damn page into your own work of art. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. Does even the slightest feeling of satisfaction enter you? Journal about these emotions.
7. Take care of your inner child
As it was your child self that likely copped the trauma that caused you to default to emotional numbing, take care of this part of you. Practice inner child work and find ways of comforting and nurturing this vulnerable place within you. You may even like to create empowering affirmations for your inner child to help him or her access emotions. For example, you might repeat to yourself when you are in a difficult circumstance, “It is OK for me to feel,” “It is safe for me to feel sad,” “My anger is valid,” “Being vulnerable is being strong,” and so forth.
8. Dedicate space and time to feeling
In our busy lives, it is very easy to numb and distract ourselves with social media, the TV, shopping, food, social commitments, and other things that constantly cause us to look outside. Looking inside is much harder and requires far more self-discipline, hence why most people don’t do it. If you are serious about overcoming your emotional numbness, you will need to dedicate space and time to all of the activities I have mentioned in this article. If you struggle with self-discipline, I recommend making yourself externally accountable by joining a spiritual meditation group or other practice to help you turn inwards. Please don’t skip this step, it is imperative that you spend time exploring your inner self, and in particular, what you are repressing and why.
Emotional Numbness Q&A
Here are some commonly asked questions about emotional numbness. Hopefully they’ll answer any remaining concerns or thoughts you may have about this topic:
The simple answer is trauma. Usually, emotional detachment (or numbness) can be linked to early childhood experiences such as being abused mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. However, not everyone who experiences emotional detachment had tough childhoods. Sometimes, other traumatizing experiences later in life can trigger emotional detachment as a protective mechanism (such as divorce, job loss, rape, illnesses, war, etc.).
Yes, emotional numbness can mask intense feelings of anxiety – it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from being flooded by overwhelming emotions. Numbness is a primal reaction to fear and is also known as the freeze response. There are three main reactions to anxiety-provoking situations that we have: fight, flight, and freeze.
To fix, or rather regain the ability to feel again, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Try reconnecting with your body, practicing deep breathing, doing some catharsis, journaling, and creating a safe environment for yourself. Seeking out professional support is usually crucial, as emotional numbness is usually a major sign of a traumatized nervous system. To regulate your nervous system, you need a safe holding environment, which a professional therapist/counselor can provide.
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I hope this article opens up new possibilities for you – or at least inspires you to take emotional numbness seriously.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to face this issue because avoiding it will only prolong your suffering.
If this article has helped you, please let me know. It brings me a sense of satisfaction to know that I am helping someone out there somewhere. Also if you struggle with emotional numbness and have other techniques or tools to recommend not mentioned in this article, please comment below. You never know how far throughout this world your advice can spread. :)
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This article came just at the right time … I’ve read a lot of articles treating the same problem … But this was so beneficial … As if i was talking especially when you described the problem … I suffer from extreme emotional numbness and i didn’t know what’s my problem until this very moment … So thank you very much <3
I’m 13 years old and this has been going on for only a few hours now, I have never felt anything like this before because I just feel nothing right now… I don’t feel any emotion and I can’t for some reason you even if I try I tried deep breathing Etc but it didn’t work I am not depressed nor have I been depressed a few hours ago I was perfectly emotionally and physically healthy at first before my emotions went dad I noticed my blood pressure is very low but I feel healthy and I don’t feel anything emotionally it’s like my soul’s soul just shriveled up and died the only emotion I can still have is love which I can’t feel I can only know it in my head but it’s still there but I can’t feel it anymore, I understand this is probably hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it, but this is really hard for me to explain also my physical body is pretty cold but I don’t think I’m about to fall over and die lol
I feel the exact same way. Except I can’t feel anything and I haven’t for months. I can only feel love too lol
All of your solutions are the Anti-Christ to true crusaders against themselves.
Thank you. My husband sent this article to me to help me understand him better, to help me to not to take his distance and emotional cruelty so personally, to show me what he has discovered about himself and the actions he is now taking to grow. My mind and my heart are blown wide open. Your words have expanded my access to love, compassion, courage, strength, faith and hope. Thank you.
well I’m 13 years old rn and i was abused at the age of 2 i had a deadbeat mother that drank all the time I witnessed her beat up my family such as my sisters and I got put in foster care at the age of 3 and I was the only one and I didn’t get to say goodbye to my sisters but they were in foster care together and I was Alone, I was abused even more in foster care and it stopped when i was 6 because my grandmother got custody over me and I’m experiencing emotional numbness rn because I developed PTSD at a young age and I’m seeing a counselor about it but it seems I have no Hope and I feel Alone I sometimes think feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all but now I have a better understanding of it thank you
I’m so sorry Braiden that you have gone through so much at such a young age. I too went through abuse when I was a child. I have seen a lot of cruel people in this world but I’ve also seen good loving people too. Take what has happened to you and use it to do good in this world. Don’t let it make you bitter and angry. My brother did that and now he has become a abuser.
You have the power to stop the cycle of abuse in your family. That’s what I did. I had to walk away from my family. I have 2 healthy adult children now. You have the power to rise above your adversity.
Something that helped me was to realize that the people who hurt me were also hurt by other people. I’ve forgiven them for me. I won’t let them have any power over me. Let them go.
I love and care about you. You are worthy of love. Please always remember that.
Thank you so much for this article. I became numb when I was around the age of 15. I spoke to numerous psychologists about my problems and my inability to feel joy or to feel connected. There were very clear signs of dissociation and depression. Instead they went for autism. The sessions were horrible. I always came home even number than before. But as a kid and as someone not knwing how to deal with emotions, I just thought this was normal and I just had to pull through. Oh how wrong I was. I’m so glad to have come across your article. I’m 24 and still dealing with the same problems. I quit seeing psychologists 2 years ago since I was able to ‘cope with autism’.. but I always felt so wrong about it. To read all this, recognize myself in your words and to acknowledge that I’m in fact not autistic, making this up or just plain crazy means so much to me. Thank you.
I was put into foster care at the age of 3 after being found wandering the streets in a smallish city. From 3-5 I was placed into over 12 different foster homes before relocating to what would eventually be my own home legally 6 years later. At the age of 7 I was being babysat by an older eldery neighbor when she ended up passing away while my foster parents were watching their own biological daughter at a Christmas event downtown. I was with her for about 2hours before they came back and realized she had passed while she was supposed to be babysitting me. From there after my foster parents had multiple foster children in and out of our homes. When one child they had on a semi long term basis ended up molesting me for 4.5 years before it ended. Not before he managed to turn my foster father now adopted father against me and shun me. A few years after that happened my father ended up getting cancer and my mother ended up having an affair. My father passed away and after that my relationship with my mom became strained to the point where she ended up enrolling me in a drug rehab program under the pretense I would be trained to become a counselor to those in that drug rehab program. Despite the fact I had never done any drugs at anytime. I ended up leaving the program after it became unsafe for me and was on my own for 7 years before moving back for 2. I didn’t realize that behavior I had to be numb would become so distructive
I lost my dad when I was 10. My family had much dysfuntion. I married at 20 and suffered emotional abuse for 29 years, finally having the courage to divorce 20 years ago. I cried so much during that period, expressed anger often and was miserable. Now, I live a pretty good life, as a successful business owner, mother and grandmother. It was not until I read your article that I recognize my emotional numbness. I rarely cry, my joy feels weak and I have been unable to find success in any male relationship. I wanted to share with others that your advice is excellent. I might add one more thing to your list.
I have done yoga (and of course deep breathing), meditation, journaling and long walks, tai chi, retreats, treat myself to monthly massages, and deep thinking.
I was raised as a strict Catholic and guilt was my constant companion. Since I quit attending church I have felt very guilt free. This is something that helped me more than anything else. I do not miss it at all. That is my addition to your list. If any area of your life produces guilt, do not continue to engage in it.
Thank you for your insight. I do plan to add a sad thoughts journal to my writing, as previously I always tried to stay positive in my journaling. I think this will be helpful.
I put my name as anonymous because i dont want my friends searching my name and seeing this. Idk why i feel this way i just do and I kinda feel ashamed. But for the past months I’ve been feeling so distant from everyone, I lost my happiness, and I went and am currently going through depression, although it’s not as bad right now. I constantly repress how I really feel and I think that is one of the reasons why I became depressed in the first place. I feel so empty, although it is getting better thankfully. I’ve tried to realize that I do deserve to feel emotions and that the things I feel don’t have to be verified to be real. Growing up, my dad used to physically and emotionally beat me and hurt me. My mom would just stand there idoly, since I was rude to her and felt abandoned, although she did know it was wrong and told me later that It’s one of the reasons that lead to my parents divorce. I’m not even mad anymore- I know that my dad was physically and verbally beaten by his dad too and he didn’t deserve what happened to him, no matter what he said. I repress my anger and frustration constantly by making jokes, some of them coming out more passively-aggressive then I would want them too. It feels good to let this all out, even though I’m in class right now struggling not to cry in front of everyone. I constantly think about how I wish I could just be like how I was as a child, before I was abused and neglected. I constantly want to just be the soul that I was and now all i have is self-loathing and depression towards myself since I can’t become that person and I feel as if I’m living a fake life. i feel as if I’m not close to anyone anymore and as if no one truly understands me. I just want to be truly happy again and I’ve read almost everything on here but still don’t know what to do. I’m not self-motivated enough to find a free therapist and show up to the sessions, especailly since I’m studying architecture and time to do that seems scarce. I guess I just want to feel as if others understand what I’m going through. I’m not really sure what triggered it I guess going to college and realizing that there’s more to life that I can tap into and my parents depression and feeling as if I’ll always be alone. I constantly feel as if someone can pull me out of this, but at the same time I want to be able to do it myself to show myself that I truly am powerful and have strength. I feel as if this is good to go through and I have hope that this is good for me and eye-opening. I feel as if I’m wiser than I was because of this and know more about myself and my weaknesses than I did before that I probably was hiding. So thank you for this! <3
Brought up in a home where stoicism was valued, it was a learned thing to not express any emotion. Having learned over life to feel, and exoress emotion, it has been a major change. In times of upheaval, the old patterns come back, holding in, not feeling. Recent death of my Aunt and the unwanted job of having sort of like executor, (no will) has really stressed me out and having lost my full time job as well. This article came at a timely time for me to remind me to feel, not repress. The fatigue is getting me though.