How often have you felt anxiety grip you so tightly that you freeze and can’t speak?
What about anger, grief, shock, jealousy, resentment, regret, and shame?
How often have you felt these emotions overwhelm your entire nervous system to the point that you feel like (a) you’re going to explode, melt, or get sucked into a dark abyss (b) have a mental breakdown, or (c) go crazy … or die?
To the onlooker, these reactions to common emotions such as anger and shame might appear melodramatic.
“Stop being so dramatic” or “get a thicker skin” we might be told.
On the other hand, our friends and family may give us a sympathetic half-hearted pat on the back, but we can see out of the corners of our eyes their disbelief.
Being sensitive can be tough.
But it is tougher when you weren’t taught how to regulate emotions, making life often feel too big and too intense to handle.
You might resort to hiding away from people, giving up jobs, and putting up walls to shut people out. You might repress your emotions so that you become emotionally numb or find other ways to desensitize yourself through addictions.
If you have felt anger boiling so intensely within you that your entire body shakes, or sadness so strong that you cry for hours and hours, please read this article.
Also, I want to mention before we start that this article isn’t solely written for people who identify as “sensitive.” I am writing a “sensitive person’s guide” because I have personally struggled with this issue as a highly sensitive person. Therefore, although I write through the eyes of a sensitive person, I intend this article to benefit anyone, regardless of their neurological wiring.
Table of contents
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is a term that refers to our ability to manage our emotions in a healthy way. When we are able to respond to difficult situations using healthy coping mechanisms, we can handle strong feelings such as anger and fear. But when we have unhealthy (or an absence of) coping mechanisms, we feel overpowered by our emotions.
Why Does Emotional Dysregulation Happen?
Emotional dysregulation is the opposite of emotional regulation: it is the inability to manage or cope with strong feelings.
According to psychologists, emotional dysregulation starts in childhood and builds through repeated circumstances of stress and the absence of guidance from parents or caretakers.
Children learn by observing adults and their responses to stressful situations. When we don’t have good role models growing up (i.e. parents who struggled with their emotions), we miss out on learning important coping mechanisms.
Struggling with intense emotions also happens when we are exposed to too many stressful situations as a child, e.g. divorce, moving, travel, family drama, accidents, tragedies, etc.
When we don’t feel safely held, touched, seen, and helped to face these stressors, we lack resilience and develop poor “emotional immunity.”
Emotional dysregulation can also occur when we aren’t exposed to enough minor stressors as a child, i.e. if we are sheltered too much from the world.
Just like the body’s immune system, we must be exposed to minor sources of stress (e.g. having to wait our turn in the playground) to build up strong immunity.
Signs You Struggle With Emotional Regulation
There are two types of maladaptive behaviors when it comes to emotional regulation, and they are externalized behaviors and internalized behaviors.
Externalized behaviors occur when we channel our angst externally. Here are some signs:
- Explosive and uncontrollable anger
- Crying for hours
- Verbal or physical aggression
- Picking fights with others
- Destructive behavior (e.g. breaking things)
However, in my experience, these externalized symptoms tend to suit choleric types of people (i.e. fiery personalities) and are generally not expressed by highly sensitive people (although there are exceptions).
The other type of emotional dysregulation occurs as internalized behavior. For example:
- Obsessive worry
- Chronic intense anxiety
- Sadness and depression
- Emotional touchiness (becoming easily upset)
- Social withdrawal and self-isolation
General symptoms that are shared by both types of people (externalizers and internalizers) include:
- Feeling overwhelmed by everything
- Inability to handle pressure
- Unbearably strong emotions
- Constantly riding emotional roller coasters
- Tendency towards addiction
8 Simple Ways to Practice Emotional Regulation
If the ocean can calm itself, so can you. We are both salt water mixed with air.
— Nayyirah Waheed
As you read this list, don’t just skim through it. Reflect on it. Take it seriously. Plan to implement its advice.
Notice which suggestions call to you and commit to them.
I write this list from personal experience, so not everything will appeal or be relevant to you.
Studies on emotional regulation have found that “one size doesn’t fit all” – in other words, play around. Adapt, merge or change the techniques mentioned below. Find what suits your style, your personality, your source of pain.
By doing this, you will develop the tools you need to navigate through the choppy emotional waters you experience and feel safe again.
Here are my suggestions:
1. Get lots of sleep
Poor sleep reduces your ability to deal with stress. Ensure that you are getting a good 8+ hours of sleep. If you can’t sleep for that long, consider purchasing a herb like valerian or applying magnesium oil to your body before sleeping to encourage deeper and longer rest.
2. Journaling
If you tend to internalize your emotions like me, try to express them in a journal. Ensure this journal is private and for your eyes only (this will encourage full and uninhibited self-expression). Don’t be afraid to write down your deepest and darkest thought or feelings. Just let it all out. Treat journaling as a form of catharsis.
Learn more about how to journal.
3. Physical catharsis
Emotions like anxiety and anger tend to get trapped in the body and energy field. Through time, when not released, they cause us to become hypervigilant and emotionally unstable. In order to purge this old stagnant emotional energy, try some form of catharsis. My favorite catharsis at the moment is boxing (which translates to punching the wall with boxing gloves on). Other forms of catharsis involve screaming (in a private place), crying, laughing, or doing intense physical workouts such as running, jumping, or doing fast-paced vinyasa yoga.
4. Self-soothing words
Our self-talk plays a huge role in our wellbeing and ability to cope with difficult circumstances. If you struggle with emotional regulation, try to pay attention to your thoughts. What is your mind telling you? Likely, you will hear things like “this is too intense,” “I can’t handle this,” “I’m going crazy,” “I’m embarrassing myself,” “this is scary,” and so forth. Obviously, this type of self-talk makes whatever you’re feeling one hundred times worse.
In order to manage your emotions, try creating a list of self-soothing words that you will turn to when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Examples may include:
- I’m doing well.
- I can do this.
- I take one step at a time.
- Calmness.
- Peace and serenity.
- It’s OK to feel scared.
- I go slowly and steadily.
- Breathe in. Breathe out.
- Compassion.
5. Ground yourself
Grounding yourself means staying connected to the present moment, or the “Eternal Now.” My favorite way to stay grounded is by practicing mindful awareness, i.e. paying attention to the environment around me. Read more about mindfulness exercises. Here are some techniques:
- Notice your feet touching the ground; how does it feel?
- Breathe in and focus on the scents wafting into your nostrils.
- Look at the colors, movements, shadows, textures, etc. around you.
- Carry a crystal or object in your pocket and touch it whenever you feel triggered.
- Wash your hands and feel the cool water run over them.
- Focus on the movement of your feet as you walk saying “right … left … right … left” when you walk.
- Drink a warm beverage like tea.
- Clench your fists or toes tightly.
- Sit down somewhere in nature. Enjoy the sights, sounds, and smells.
- Breathe deeply and focus on your in-breath and out-breath.
6. Draw boundaries and take breaks
Don’t overextend yourself unnecessarily. When you feel tired, take a break. When you feel anxious, take a moment to pause and practice a grounding, self-care or self-soothing technique mentioned in this article. If someone is overstepping your boundaries, let them know either verbally or non-verbally. Practice being assertive and knowing your rights. You have the right to say “no” and relax. It’s okay to set clear boundaries.
7. Practice self-care
Self-care is self-love in action. What is self-love? Self-love is understanding, accepting, embracing, and looking after yourself. In the context of emotional regulation, self-care is doing anything that feels loving and beneficial for your well-being. This may include, for example:
- Wrapping yourself up in a warm blanket.
- Making yourself healthy comfort food.
- Taking care of yourself when you’re feeling sick and inundated.
- Playing soothing music.
- Getting out in the sun and taking a walk.
- Recharging in nature.
- Eating nutritious food to strengthen your body and mind.
- Talking with a friend or loved one.
- Seeking out a therapist.
- Walking away from toxic people.
The above examples are by no means exhaustive and they only list a few common examples. Try to think about what self-care means to you. Ask yourself, “what feels most self-loving right now?”
8. Connect with your inner mother/father and child
We are all multi-faceted. The inner child is one of those inner facets that we carry around – and he/she can be a source of tremendous insight and healing. When we get in touch with our inner child, learn to listen to him/her, and provide comfort, we are initiating a profound form of soul retrieval. As it was our child self who never learned how to deal with strong emotions, we can benefit a lot from teaching this innocent and vulnerable place within ourselves healthy coping mechanisms.
The inner mother or father is a less known inner character that we all carry, but one that I feel is vital for true healing to occur. Your inner mother or father is that place within you that emanates love and compassion. As a female, I choose to seek out my inner Mother when I am suffering from overwhelming emotions. Depending on your childhood, and which parent was most physically/emotionally/spiritually absent, you might differ.
The Awakened Empath eBook:
Written for the highly sensitive and empathic people of life, Awakened Empath is a comprehensive map for helping you to develop physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual balance on every level.
Some of the best ways to contact your inner Father or Mother (I tend to refer to them as the “Divine Parent”) include dialoguing with them in your journal, doing mirror work (i.e. looking into a mirror and waiting for their presence to emerge), visualization, and meditation.
I wrote a great article about initiating contact and beginning your inner child work.
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What is your experience with emotional regulation? I’d love to hear your story in the comments.
Finally, I encourage you to re-read through the advice above and genuinely consider what advice you plan to implement this week. Which practices sound the most promising to you? Try one out and let me know!
But what happens when my Inner Child doesn’t accept my soothing words? It feels like it does not want them. It pushes them away and gets mad.
I was taught since childhood , that I sould be a strong male. In a very “toxic masculinity” way. That means false independency and refusal of many things like soothing/loving words, compliments, hugs etc.
How can I show to my Little Monkey that it’s okay to calm down and that the bad and overthinking thoughts we’re having are not necessarily ours?
My father left before I was born and my mom was physically and emotionally absent the majority of the time. I was raised in large part by my older siblings. Which inner parent would you look for in my case and what, exactly am I looking for from them?
I feel sad,empty,alone,suffering,numbness,emotionaly in pain,miserable. Also what should I do about me seeing and hearing things when my parents also don’t care they would just put me in the nut ward and doctors keep brushing it off and So It’s been driving me nuts and I am at my breaking point and don’t know what to do about it. Does any one have any answers for me.
Hi Josie. I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering so much. What you’re going through (seeing/hearing things) might be a spiritual emergency – but I encourage you to do your research and if possible find someone you can speak to who can help you. <3
Sometimes I worry I’m one of those people who are being overly sensitive. I mean it’s okay to be sensitive sometimes, but what if I’m being the type to be overly sensitive? I mean, it’s like that one case where someone got angry over a Starbucks showing non-religious Christmas decoration and flipped over at that. What if my sensitivity is like that?
I mean, I worry sometimes. What if I’m being oversensitive? What if I am? I just. . . what if it’s being unprofessional to be hurt like this? Shouldn’t I have moved on already? I must have tricked everyone around me that I’m a good person. Everyone.
The thing is when you’re sensitive, you have to be sensitive over other people’s sensitivity, right? But what if you’re sensitive and the other person is also sensitive over an issue? What do I do? What counts? What’s not? I don’t know.
I just feel this constant lingering thought in my mind that I’ve done something wrong, I don’t know what it is and other people are not going to tell me what I’m doing wrong.
I just don’t know. Something just must be my fault.
Hi Michael –
I know you wrote this comment a while ago, but I just saw it today and wanted to respond because I can relate to what you are saying 100 percent… I also feel that I am sensitive in an “unprofessional” way, as you said, and that people are not going to tell me what I’m doing wrong. In my case, it’s a bit scary, because I don’t feel that I can handle even constructive criticism right now. I know what you mean about feeling like you’ve tricked everyone into thinking you’re a good person… I have that experience all the time. People tell me I’m kind, but my sensitivity has caused me to do some destructive things, so I feel like a bit of a fraud. I like to think that in my heart I’m a good and loving person, but I’m not always sure anymore. Anyway — I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your feelings. I hope you find some relief from the uncertainty and the feeling that things are your fault. I know it can be painful. Please take care of yourself. I can hear in your words that you are deeply caring person.
Peace –
Louisa
The last year I struggled with depression, which is nothing new. I have had it the majority of my life, in varying degrees. This was different. 9 years ago I lost my husband to suicide and I realized my life had become about survival and not living. In trying to make it through the grief, I found myself deeply unhappy with who I was… so I promised myself that I would do whatever it takes this year to find my true sense of self and heal wounds. What I wasn’t expecting as I began to peel through the layers, all the weight I had been carrying. Stuff that wasn’t even mine. As an Empath, I had absorbed so much there was no room to take anything else in. No wonder I was so miserable. I have been doing shadow work and practicing some serious self care, creating a space for myself to open up. I have found the past couple months that I am able to still be sensitive and my empathic abilities are stronger, but I am not overwhelmed by them. I have uncovered some very real revelations about myself and drawn some healthy boundaries. My hope is to learn how to release the toxic shame from childhood abuse and heal those wounds, so I don’t have to carry them anymore. I really appreciate articles like this one so I can explore new ways to heal and care about myself.
Blessings.
J.
Thank you for creating this article. It has struck a cord with me, I think today was the day that I was finally ready to ‘hear’ that I need self love. I’m super sensitive and I’ve been seeing a counsellor to discover ‘my’ voice instead of doing and being for others. My lady encourages me to practice self care all the time – I’ve just realised that I go home and do it because she’s asked me to.! Today I’m ready to start doing it for myself, your article has somehow given me the permission and to see myself for who I really am (meanwhile grateful tears are streaming down my little face).
I love your work – thank you for all that you do. xoxo
I live today through my past life’s my clothes my spirit my souls through that i m very happy n I’m happy to say I’m not n average person like those that r today
How appropriate this article is on this Sunday morning with the rain pouring down and me fretting about the animals in the field and how I would love to bring them all indoors to stay warm and dry.
My sensitivity about animals and the world in general is
threatening to undo me. I am isolating myself because most people cannot deal with my acute sensitivity to life in general. I long for open spaces and peace, concrete and toxic energies defeat me. I didn’t realise how vulnerable, alone and down I was feeling until I wrote this. So thank you for that. I have a yearning to change everything but seem stuck in a miasma of low energy , fear and doubt.
I totally relate to what you’ve written. Thank you for sharing. I don’t talk about my feelings that lead me into anxiety spiral. For decades I felt alone in this type of anxiety. Thank you for sharing. Today, I don’t feel all alone.
I don’t now why I feel the need to share this (perhaps it’s one for my journal) but this article couldn’t be more timely. I went to breakfast with my Mum and she started talking at me as usual (this time about a boy who used to bully me with his brother, and how he feels bad and his brother has so much going on) I felt so angry at them, at her for what I felt was making excuses because (and I understand behavourism, they were just doing what their dad did) But I felt angry. And I bursted out “Mum! I don’t care! I don’t want to hear it, i get he feels bad but I don’t care!” And I meant it, I still don’t. They’re not in my life and i’m not i theirs, we’re not friends, I understand why they may have acted cruel as they did from winessing cruelty. But like I said to my mum “I don’t give a s***” I’m still angry about it. I’d love to forgive but I don’t. And that’s where I’m at. Maybe this can help others accept their own feelings because I was surprised at how much anger I had. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t think of or feel much about it. Until today. I suppose telling my Mum I didn’t want to hear about him was self-care, and that’s the most important in my eyes. Self-care before caring for others because otherwise what use are we?
I often experience intense bouts of emotions that are triggered by transient circumstances. What I mean by that is, it isn’t something that comes from me, but rather something on the outside that makes me upset.
I have bursts of emotions that make me feel very ashamed afterward. I don’t say or do anything particularly bad, but the storm of vulnerability leaves me feeling very embarrassed. Controlling my emotions has always been a very big challenge. Now that I think about it, none of my family members were very good at handling their emotions. They were either storms or deserts; bursts of strong emotions or very obvious repression. I’ve never thought of working with my inner mother/father. I guess that’s a very good place to start. I’m really glad that this article was able to bring that to my awareness. I suppose a new journey is about to start!
Continuation: It is reassuring that there are others who are waking up to the truth of who we are. I am not alone. Thank you for the breath of fresh air. Thank you for reminding me that I am not the crazy one, the world is.
Thank you for being there. I have been doing the inner work for decades, alone. Most people I associate with prefer to remain in the ‘moan & groan’ society. I am still learning and growing, but it is reassuring
Thank you for the enlightenment. I need it most. I did not know before about emotional dysregulation. Now I understand better why i feel the way I feel. And know now how i would handle myself the nest time i get lost in my emotions. Thank u, angels!
Thanks Lei, I’m so glad this helps. :)
Thank you for the enlightenment. I need it most. I did not know before about emotional dysregulation. Now I understand better why i feel the way I feel. And know now how i would handle myself the nest time i get lost in my emotions. Thank u, angels!
#8 is similar to Internal Family Systems. I’ve had issues with dysregulated emotions for over ten years due to a traumatic event (on top of an abusive, emotionally cold childhood) and IFS is the first thing that has enabled me to feel emotionally stable at times, and no longer feel as enmeshed with passion emotional states–I don’t see emotions as my identity in my Core Self anymore, but rather, different subpersonalities that have a purpose: to keep me safe and happy. The problem is, they all have different beliefs and methods, some of which hurt other parts or the whole, so they clash regularly.
It’s been tough, and a consistent daily effort that frustrates the inner “managers,” but has helped greatly already in taming the inner feuds, and I haven’t had meltdowns in a couple of weeks, even with plenty of triggers. The key is to take rationality out of it: I used to think my way through emotions. “I want to do this to X because I’m angry. Is my anger justified? What does it mean? What does it say about me?” I’ve taken that out of it, and instead, name my emotions and listen to the part that’s holding them. It’s surprising the things I’ve dug up, just by letting it be and listening.
I’m a firm believer that IFS, or any kind of parts work, is key to emotional freedom. You can do all sorts of other things to help yourself, but in my experience, it doesn’t have the same effect if, like myself, you don’t even know what’s going on inside and feel constantly pulled from one part to another without knowing.
I’ve heard internal family systems mentioned before but have never explored it myself. Now that I’ve done a quick Google search it looks fascinating! Thanks for mentioning it here Pearl. And I appreciate what you’ve shared. Identifying the different archetypes (subpersonalities) within us and how they influence our thoughts and feelings is such a powerful approach. I can’t wait to dive deep into this topic more, both personally and also on this website. Much love <3
Thank you so very much for this article..It is the first time that I can relate whole heartedly…I am that child ..who grew into an adult with no understanding of self or emotions….and today(50)later I believe I am starting to understand them(a little)just recently..something has awakened inside as if it is time to move forward-have been on a quest to grow is how I can explain it..this article is needed and thank you for revealing it…it is one step at a time and I am looking forward to implementing the techniques you have suggested….I am grateful to have found you and I will write more after I practice these….Mel
Melanie, it sounds like you’ve been initiated into the inner path. Some exciting (but also challenging) times are ahead – but it’s all worth it! Do let me know how you go with the exercises. Much love. <3
I always enjoy the articles from you and Sol, but this one especially hit home for me. Throughout my life it has been a constant struggle to deal appropriately with strong emotions, and being highly sensitive makes it just that much more difficult. Also struggling with anxiety, depression, and PTSD makes it downright impossible sometimes. I literally came upon this article in my inbox just a few minutes after once again dealing poorly with a powerful emotion. Thanks so much!
Divine timing. :-D
I can relate to what you write and I’m glad there are other sensitives out there who can benefit from the above advice. Thanks for reading and also sharing here, James. I appreciate so much when people take the time to write – it creates this little bubble/environment of being understood and seen, which is so valuable and precious. Much love
I wish I could verbalize how much I adore your articles. I have struggled my entire life and the rough patch I have been moving through over the past few years has been even worse. I feel connected to no one, really. Very relationship feels superficial. Part of it has to do with just going through this transformation where I am realizing how “surface” things have been and craving deeper connection. But another part of it is simply me either sabotaging or avoiding relationships and situations because of my poor emotional regulation. I grew up with a mom as a single parent who battled with her own depression and emotional dysregulation/immaturity so it’s not realizing surprising that I have thus far been incapable of figuring out how to combat this. Things I read online either kind of resonated, but not really, and they never seem to provide insight to help move past it other than changing your thinking which just shows that those who write the articles don’t truly understand how this works and why alternate thinking patterns in themselves are not enough. We know very well the ways we are reacting are disproportionate to the situation. We know very well that we are largely the ones contributing to our own stress and the destruction of relationships in our lives. We simply don’t know how to turn down these raging emotions inside. It’s not a question only of logic. Even if it were, you wouldn’t be able to see the logic when it is clouded by emotions anyway.
Your articles are one of the biggest tools of assistance to me in my life right now if for no other reason, than to just feel like I am not alone in what I feel and what I go through with my emotional dysregulation and sensitivity. When you don’t have that in your personal life, it’s nice to be able to find it online. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude to you for your work. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your affirming words, Winter. And I know what you mean about reading/hearing advice that doesn’t really come from a place of understanding. I’ve gone looking for help in the past with serious struggles and not finding what I needed felt isolating and depressing. Just knowing that we aren’t alone in what we experience can be tremendously healing. So I’m glad you feel that way about what I share here. Much love <3
This was a timely article. Being a sensitive person and struggling to regulate emotions has defined most of my life. It stemmed from childhoold trauma and stress overload. The negative emotions, when not dealt with or expressed in a healthy manner, accumulate until I have an outburst or meltdown. This has cost me jobs, relationships, friendships. I’ll be doing good with plenty of sleep, proper nutrition, regular exercise, plenty of time for relaxing & fun activities. Even occasionally talking with friends or hanging out. Trying hard to have a balanced life.
But the bad mental habits and inner dialogue can sabotage that. Anxiety, paranoia, obsessiveness, negativity from depression, frustration with lack of progress in life – it all piles up. That accumulation can burst out at very inopportune times and sabotage everything. And then the ensuing negative consequences add to the pile and create vortex of misery and negative energy, it compounds itself.
I’m really sick of emotional volatility. I envy people who go about their lives normally, happily, seemingly without a care in the world, all smiles and laughter and enjoying themselves. Meanwhile I’m having a battle in my head every day for peace and sanity and normalcy. Sometimes I lose. Badly. Then have to fight again just to build myself back up to semi-normal, semi-healthy. To try and undo the wreckage that got caused in my personal life from it.
I hear you, Coldbringer. It is a real struggle and can be so frustrating watching others who have seemingly ‘normal’ lives – it’s upsetting and can feel isolating. But then, I always wonder whether others who are less sensitive can experience life as deeply as we can? I think that is also the blessing of being a sensitive person: life has so much more vibrancy.
I am the implosive type, so I tend to get extremely sick when I don’t release emotional energy. But the best way I’ve found of releasing it is through some form of catharsis. Perhaps try actively releasing the emotional energy within you through intense exercise, dynamic meditation, screaming (into a pillow), crying or laughing. This seems to be the best way (I’ve found) to release that energy.
Great article! Where were you when I was growing up? I wish I would have had this article way back when. So much sense. Thank you.
Haha, I second you Geralyn. If I had known this growing up, I wouldn’t have experienced the suffering I had gone through. But that suffering gave me the willpower to discover what I know now and share it here. Thanks for reading! x