Jen from Canada asked earlier this week:
Do you have any guidance on how to heal the body and mind from severe trauma?
She goes on to explain:
I experienced verbal bullying as a child continuing from grade 3 until grade 10 mostly from boys. My life was turmoil with many of the side effects of trauma including repression, self-harm, self-hate, and a loss of trust in myself and others. At 30, I’m beginning to come out of the haze and have awakened to my creativity, sensitivity, compassion, and love for myself. I’ve encountered a sort of resistance in myself as well as with other people.
This question is particularly interesting because it speaks of an emotional and psychological trauma that many of us go through to varying degrees: bullying, exclusion and rejection. In this article I will draw from my own personal knowledge and experience of how to heal from severe self-hatred through the process of inner work.
Peeling Away the First Layer of Trauma
My childhood was turbulent but not on a physical level. Among bullying, alienation and other issues at school, I also faced the rigorous fundamentalist Christian conditioning imposed by my parents, and a chronic sense of emotional abandonment within my family structure. Everything seemed to point to the fact that “I was bad,” “unworthy,” and “deserved to be punished.”
These later became my core beliefs that have been hidden in my shadow self since childhood. As a result, I too became severely depressed and even went through a period of self-destructive intentional self-harm. When you believe you are irredeemably worthless, what other direction can you take?
But the good news is that at some point during our lives most of us become aware of our patterns of self-hatred and suddenly we desire to change, like I did. This is the beginning of bliss – but also a whole load of serious inner and outer growth.
When I first became conscious of my deep-seated trauma I began slowly peeling away the external layers of self-hatred I had accumulated across many years. For the period of about 2 years I systematically purged bad habits from my life, starting from the most basic and seemingly irrelevant daily routines:
- Unhealthy snacks and main meals
- Absence of exercise
- Absence of alone time
- Toxic skin, body and hair care products
- Tight or overly baggy clothing and ill-fitted shoes
- Irregular sleeping habits
- Unnecessarily stressful people and environments
I learned that rediscovering how to take care of yourself and learning how to nurture yourself has an enormous impact on your mental and emotional well-being. For example, buying only organic, natural products for my skin made me feel beautiful and respected. Getting enough sleep every night made me feel rejuvenated and emotionally balanced. Replacing my frumpy, depressing clothing with lighter, well-fitted clothing made me feel like a changed person – at least on the outside.
This beginning stage of peeling away the first layer of self-hatred is a period of joy and restfulness: finally we can learn what it feels like to love ourselves again. But here is the reality that most people don’t like to hear and certainly don’t like to face: you must go back into the gloom once again to truly become healed.
Peeling Away the Second Layer of Trauma
Before redirecting your focus from the exterior world to the interior world, you must be well prepared. Forcing yourself to go through this inner work stage will do nothing but create more trauma, so you must feel psychologically and emotionally prepared before emerging back into the inner depths of your core wounds.
You will know when you’re ready to peel away the second layer when you feel tired of focusing on purging, replacing and enhancing your outer world. Typically you will feel a sense of boredom or restlessness – this is your soul’s desire to continue the journey of healing itself. Listen to it carefully. Many people at this point unconsciously lapse into distractions (work, status, popularity, possessions etc.) in order to avoid the gaping void that is inside.
It’s also important to note that many people avoid the process of inner work because they have grown comfortable with their misery: it provides a false sense of control and protection against further suffering. But once you are conscious of this, you can proceed with courage, feeling a sense of pride in your determination to heal yourself. Learning to respect yourself is vital at this stage, for without it, it is very easy to scamper away and get lost in the external world again.
Peeling away the second layer of trauma is primarily about going on a journey to meeting your shadow self; that part of you that has been shunned, rejected, alienated and repressed both my yourself, your parents, peers and society at large.
Not only must you ruthlessly explore the deepest sources of your pain inflicted by others with absolute honesty, but you must also ruthlessly explore the deepest sources of pain within you that are actually perpetuated by you.
For this reason exploring your core beliefs and core wound is an essential part of recovering from emotional and psychological trauma, for by actively facing that trauma, we bring it to the light of consciousness to then be healed. Otherwise, how can you find wholeness without first facing the depths of your suffering? Without undergoing this painful journey your suffering still remains unconscious, hidden away and repressed, condemned to a life of darkness.
When I first learned that one of my greatest fears was the fear of being completely alone and abandoned, my every instinct was to run away from that discovery. What a painful, desolate and terrifying experience! But only by stopping and facing this discovery face-on was I then able to freely experience my deepest fear and be liberated from it, discovering the truth of what always remains.
At this point in your journey it is necessary that you have a trusted partner, friend, counselor, guide or shaman with you to confide in. Otherwise, going through such a journey might be too straining and isolating.
The Trap of Dramatizing Your Pain
We all carry a series of stories with us about who “we” are and what we are composed of such as past memories, experiences, sensations, beliefs, assumptions, images, sounds and other mental, emotional and physical input. All of this ebbing and flowing information is formed into an identity, or ego – and we all carry one.
One of the greatest traps of recovering from trauma is the tendency to dramatize your pain. Once upon a time I used to identify as a “victim” and “black sheep” because of my experiences as a child. I would then take a strange interest in using this story to give myself a false sense of righteousness and entitlement. I really took a toxic form of pride in these identity labels.
The same can be said for all of us. When we cling to the story, “My name is ______ and I have suffered from severe trauma all my life” as though it is some badge of honor, we limit our ability to truly heal. We also limit our ability to truly experience our pain and move on with our lives.
So being conscious of the storylines we repeat over and over to ourselves and other people is imperative on the path of healing.
In the end, recovering from trauma is really a two-step process, of changing the outer and then changing the inner. But although the process is long, often complex and demanding, it is truly the most powerful and meaningful journey you can ever go on.
I’ve been away for a while because I haven’t had internet access (long story). But I just caught up on some of the more recent articles and I LOVE your new logo! It looks so good!
Also, thank you for this article, I will likely find myself referring back to it a lot in the future as a lot of it is applicable to me. Thanks :)
AFTER MY POST I READ ALL YOURS AND I WAS THINKING DID I WRITE THAT??
BECAUSE ITS SO MUCH OF WHAT IS ME AT THIS PT. IN TIME.
I IDENTIFY WITH YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH. I WAS AFRAID I WAS DECENDING INTO MADNESS BECAUSE I WAS NOT BEING MY TRUE SELF.
ANGER IRRITABLE SO ON AND ON HAS BEEN MY WAY FOR ABOUT 2-3 MTHS NOW. I DO NOT LIKE ME THIS WAY BUT GIVING ME SOME COMPASSION HAS HELPED AND JUST LETTING MY SELF FLOAT A BIT HAS HELPED AS WELL. NOT BEING SO STRICT ABOUT WHAT SHOULD BE DONE AS I WILL KNOW WHEN AND WHAT TIME THINGS WILL BE DONE IN THEIR PROPER TIME NOT MINE.
FAMILY IS TOUGH BECAUSE I ADORED MY SISTER..I RAISED HER FIRST 12 YRS OF HER LIFE. I DID A GOOD JOB. THEN WE MOVED AND SHE BECAME INVOLVED WITH OTHER CHILDREN AND THE PARENTS REGAINED RULE OVER HER AND I MOVED OUT AND SHE BECAME SO INCREDIBLEY MENTALLY ILL AND CREATED HER FAMILY TO BE HER WORK FORCE A KIND OF VILLAGE OF MENTALLY ILL CHILDREN SO SHE WOULD NOT BE ALONE. I COULD NOT HELP HER ANYMORE. SHE TOOK DRUGS HATED HER ONE CHILD AND TRIED TO BE RID OF HIM BEFORE HIS BIRTH AND HIS BIRTH ONLY MADE HER MORE ILL. HE BECAME ILL.BADLY MENTALLY ILL ALL FOR THE MUCH NEEDED LOVE OF HIS MOTHER. I DO NOT KNOW IF HE IS DEAD OR IF HE HAS KILLED SOMEONE YET BUT THE SIGNS WERE ALL THERE. MY HEART BROKE FOR HIM. SISTER MADE IT PLAIN HER FAMILY. I AM NOT A PART OF.
HER FIRST BORN LEFT HER TO GO BACK TO ORIGINAL FATHER AND HE HAS MADE A GOOD LIFE FOR HIMSELF. SHE KEEPS HIM AWAY FROM ME. DAUGHTER BECAME ILL SOON AFTER SHE MARRIED AND HUSBAND WANTED TO CONSUMATE MARRIAGE. KNEW THIS WAS COMING. I HOPE SHE WENT TO THE THERAPIST OF HER CHOICE AND NOT MOTHER’S CHOICE AS SHE NEEDS TO CONTROL EVERYONE IN HER VILLAGE SO TO SPEAK.
I HAVE SHARED A BIT MORE THAN MAYBE WAS NECCESSARY BUT WANTED TO SHOW YOU ALL I AM IN THE SAME BASKET OF BALLS YOU ARE. IT AIN’T NO FUN AT ALL!!!!
I FEEL FOR YOU ALL. I REALLY DO.
WE HAVE SO MUCH TO GIVE AND YET FEEL STOPPED AT THE GET GO LINE.
OH YUCK!!!
GO GENTLEY INTO THE NIGHT. USE A FLASHLIGHT.
WENDY
ON MY JOURNEY BUT I GET IMPATIENT BECAUSE OF TIME(AGING)
AFRAID THERE WILL NOT BE ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO COMLETE WHAT NEEDS TO BE COMPLETED.
BEEN JOURNEYING SO LONG I AM POOPED!
MADE TREMENDOUS HEADWAY SOME TIME AGO. WAS GREAT TO BE FREE NON TRAPPED, ETC. THEN WHAM PTSD TRIGGERED AND ITS BEEN MONTHS I HAVE BEEN IN SELF HELL.
I FEEL SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I WAS MONTHS AGO. I AM ON DEFENSE MODE QUICK TO BITE BACK WITHOUT THE WISDOM I POSSESS. FEEL I HAVE LOST GROUND. DISSAPPOINTED TO SAY THE LEAST.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WRITE. I UNDERSTAND WHAT U WRITE. I HAVE YOUR BOOKS FOR MANY MONTHS NOW PLUS OTHERS. CAN ONLY WORK ON MY INNER SELF A LITTLE AT A TIME. USING WALKING AS MY THERAPY. CONSTANTLY CHALLENGING HOW FAR HOW FAST I CAN GO WITH MY LIMITATIONS. IF I STOP I FEEL THE PAINS FROM THE PUSH. BUT I AM CALMER AND CAN REST DURING THE EARLIER A M WITH MY DOG ON MY LAP. I KNOW WHAT IS COMING. I EMBRACE IT WITH SOME HUMAN FEAR.
FAMILY MEMBER HAS EMERGED WANTING TO RE CONNECT. CAN NOT SEEM TO DO IT. TOO MUCH TROUBLE AND I HAVE DECLARED MYSELF FREE OF FAMILY SINCE I REALIZED ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED . CAN NOT AFFORD TO BE DRAGGED DOWN AGAIN. WAS TOLD I AM NOT IN THEIR FAMILY AND I CAME TO AGREE. SINCE ALL OF THEM ARE EMOTIONALLY COLD, SELF CONSUMING, COWARDLY, THEIVES, PATHOLOGICAL LIARS, BI POLAR, SCHIZO EFFECTIVE,ADDICTS, ALCOHOLICS, SELF RIGHTEOUS, EGO MANIACS, AND EMOTIONALLY LIKE THE POLAR ICE CAPS! AND SO MUCH MORE THAT I CAN NOT SEE THE POSITIVE OF ME GOING BACK INTO SOMETHING SO DETRIMENTAL TO MY SELF. I AM WITH SOMEONE WHO CHALLENGES ME DAILY BUT HAS BECOME MORE OPEN AND COMMUNICATIVE OVER THE YRS WHICH IS A MIRACLE IN ITSELF. BUT WHEN WE GET INTO IT WHOA ITS REALLY STEAMED UP AND I REFUSE TO LISTEN AND LEAVE THE ROOM AND JUST TALK TO THE AIR. NEVER REALLY GAVE IN TO ANGER OR RELATED UPSETS. SWALLOWED EVERYTHING BECAME SILENT.CAN NOT BE BERATED, SO I THOUGHT, BUT WAS ANYWAY. WHEN IFIRST BEGAN TO TALK AND REVEAL MY SELF IT CAUSED A GREAT UPHEAVAL WITHIN THE FAMILIAL UNIT. THEY REMINDED ME OF A BUNCH OF ANTS SCURRYING FOR SHELTER BECAUSE OF MY CHANGING. BUT I BECAME HAPPY AND MY TALENTS BLOOMED AND NOW AT THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE I AM UNBELIEVABLY ACCURATE ABOUT SO MUCH AND I THINK WHAT FOR? PROTECTION MAYBE. I HAVE DECLARED MY LIFE MY OWN. MADE DECISIONS TO HELP ME DECLARE MY RIGHT TO SPEAK TO MANY PEOPLE. THEY DO NOT LIKE IT. KNOW WHAT? I EARNED NOT TO GIVE A DAMN.
LIKE I SAID AM ON MY JOURNEY JUST AFRAID I WILL NOT GET BACK THE PEACE CALM AND TRANQUILITY I HAD ESTABLISHED BEFORE THIS LATEST TRIGGER THREW ME INTO WHAT SEEMS A FATHOMLESS HOLE…..
JOURNALING IS LTD.
I DID WRITE LETTER TO ONE FAMILY MEMBER AS HE WAS DIRECT RESULT OF ABUSE AND I TOLD HIM WHAT I REMEMBERED ALL OF IT. PROBABLY SCARED THE HELL OUT OF HIM AS HE REPRESSED HIS OWN BEING AND TO SEE THAT I REMEMBER ALL OF WHAT HAPPENED WELL I FEEL PURGED OF IT AND THE TRUTH BE KNOWN HE KNOWS THAT I REMEMBER ALL I AM FREE AT LAST OF SO MANY YRS OF LIES AND REPRESSION. AND I AM STILL ALIVE AND THINK AND SPEAK AND DO NOT NEED FAMILY PERMISSION TO FEEL OR SMILE OR ANYTHING.
AT FIRST WAS TERRIBLE.THIS WAS ABOUT 40YRS AGO MEMEORIES REPRESSED SURFACED. I NEARLY DIED FROM IT ALL. PTSD WAS NOT KNOWN THEN. I WAS SO LOST AND ALONE IN THE NEGATORY SIDE…MANY FACTORS SUDDENLY REVEALED WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. THE N I QUESTIONED IF I MADE THEM UP!!! NO I DIDN’T.
I TRIED TO DRIVE OFF A CLIFF FEELING THAT IF I SURVIVED THAT CRASH THE TRAIN BELOW WOULD BE MY BACK UP!!!! BUT AT THE LAST MOMENT SOMETHING GRABBED THE STEERING WHEEL FROM MY HANDS AND JERKED MY CAR COMPLETLEY AWAY FROM THE CLIFF AND STOPPED THE CAR!!!! I WAS AMAZED!!!!! AND SINCE THEN I TRULY BECAME A BELIEVER IN ANGELS AS I WAS YANKED BACK TO LIVING. I HAVE HAD MANY ANGEL ENCOUNTERS. I DO HOWEVER FEEL I HAVE DISSAPOINTED THEM BY FAILING MY COMMISSION. BUT DEEP INSIDE I FEEL THEIR COMPASSION FOR MY SELF AND DO NOT HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST ME FOR FAILURE.
SO I WAIT NOW. TILL THIS LAST PHASE OF THE DARK KNIGHT GOES IT’S MERRY WAY AND I AM FREER THAN EVER TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE TO DO NEXT. I HAVE A TENDENCY OF FORCING THINGS AWAY FROM MY SELF BECAUSE ITS TOO OVERWHELING TO CONTINUE ON THE PATH. I GUESS A SORT OF REBELLION . BUT I ALWAYS TURN BACK AND LISTEN AS YOU CAN TELL FROM THIS POST AS COMPARED TO OTHERS.
I DO APPRECIATE YOU BOTH AND FOR NOT LETTING ME GO DOWN THE TUBES..
PLEASE BE EXTRA PATIENT WITH ME FOR DONATIONS..I AM IN FINANCIAL BAD WAY AND SQUIRMING TO GET A FOOT HOLD.
THANK YOU
LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR OWN DARK NIGHTS
WENDY
This post resonates greatly, both with the lady introducing her plight and with your story and repsonse. As an Aspie I have difficulty in expressing my emotions and forming a response. I too have suffered from isolation and rejection. I have felt very much alone for much of my life. At 67 I still feel very much alone.I have suffered most of my life, in spite of working hard to fit in, to be a good mother and to be a productive member of society. I am so very tired of the ego explanation. I struggle to know what is normal, what is ideal to be striven. I do my best and sometimes I learn that this is too much and so need to adjust. This is very hard and difficult work. So I have now decided that to be alone and somewhat isolated is best for me. I find satisfaction in breeding ragdoll cats. I maintain a friendly relationship with some in the family and have disconnected from others. Best for me.
When my repressed childhood trauma (alcoholic father & autistic mother) hit me in 2014, the pain was unbearable, flashbacks and depression then a year later Complex PTSD were all labels that I was given, I found your site after watching a few videos about self actualization on the site actualized. I was looking for help to rid the negative thoughts from my mind as prior to 2014 I had always put a positive spin on things despite my past experiences of life.
Nothing helped with the darkness that took over my heart and mind and now with hindsight I believe that was my shadow self. The trauma my mind forced me to re live, daily due to me throwing myself into motherhood and pretending for years (20!) it hadn’t affected me, brought out the very worst in me and turned me into the type of person I avoided, critical, negative, irritable, no interest in life or people an all round nasty person, it was awful.
Long story short after a lot of life stress and birthing 3 children in 5years my mind shut down I wasn’t just reliving my childhood in my mind but in my reality also. I pushed my partner away as I felt him going to work and leaving me to care for our children alone was wrong when I was struggling inside. I felt like he was abandoning me and held contempt for him because of it, but couldn’t understand why I felt like that when my logical mind told me he has to provide for us. I’ve since realised he was triggering my inner child’s pain (I was left to care for my siblings as my mum has learning difficulties). Unfortunately all the realisations didn’t come until after I was diagnosed with brief reactive psychosis early in the summer, it was the scariest illness I have ever been through and I am determined to not go through it again. There is a part of me, probably my soul that tells me it isn’t mental illness but more a spiritual thing to make me fulfil my true purpose as before it hit me I held a lot of beliefs that didn’t serve me and what makes me happy but others instead. It has taught me that only I can give myself what I need not my X partner, I was constantly looking for him to fill the void inside of me, ” if he just did x y or z, we would be fine” but I didn’t know what x y or z were and when I thought id found out it turned out I still wasn’t happy, so frustrating at the time, but I felt it was my reality a its what I was feeling since the psychosis the mental chatter is quieter and the void I felt deep down has gone. I wake feeling a happiness that I have never felt ever, I go to sleep with a smile on my face but have no explanation for it.
It was during recovery, without meds that it hit me, that it is I that has to be what I expected from my partner, everything I looked for and expected from him and others, to fill me up already exists in me, only I can take care of me like I need and I shouldn’t expect that from anyone else.
That realisation alone made me feel the bliss you talk about but I once thought it was non existent to someone with my past.
I’m not sure which stage I am at above but I feel great and am learning new beliefs that make my old ones look silly and foolish. Its hard to believe now that I was a door mat for so long and I am enjoying getting to know the real me and not the me I was forced to become to survive that hell on earth.
To anyone experiencing childhood pain, I feel you xxx don’t give up, keep going, keep feeling the pain, cry until you can’t cry no more. Avoid repressing or numbing out with substances. Its easy for me to say now I’m out the other end but the substances slow down the process and only serve your suffering for longer. Journaling helped me, and the will to carry on despite waking often with the thoughts of ending it all.
Sorry if I’ve rambled on, I just wanted to share and its been a long 3 years and the first time I’ve been on here without actually looking for help/answers.
Also feel free to edit or shorten. I only got educated up to Yr 9 because of home life commitments so there are probably lots of grammar and punctuation mistakes. Love to all xx its an amazing feeling once the hate has gone xx
Thank you so much !