What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundlyย manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
Spiritual Wanderer Course:
โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "I started the Spiritual Wanderers Course a short while ago and for the first time in twelve years I have started to experience love, acceptance and compassion for myself and within myself. Thank you so much." โ Vivienne S.
Why is it that empaths and narcissists โ two diametrically opposed types of people โ feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Lifeโs way of restoring balance.
For example, letโs examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, letโs examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centeredย and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their โinverted/reverseโ selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesnโt always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it isย important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives โ any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Shouldย Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about โprotectingโ yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that โother people are out to get you.โ Theyโre not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a โvictimโ of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable youโll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously youโll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VNโs)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VNโs overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VNโs have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VNโs are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus donโt have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally,ย VNโs use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (INโs)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. INโs, unlike VNโs, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. INโs often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else โ and they have a pathological need to make that known.
Shadow & Light Membership:
โญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ๏ธโญ "Receiving these messages is a beacon of light and hope for me in currently very challenging times. The words of wisdom speak right to my soul, guiding and encouraging me further on my path. I highly recommend Shadow & Light to everyone who seeks to develop and cultivate a relationship with the Inner Self." โ Karin
Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, โgold diggersโ and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common methodย of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the โtop,โ win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the โbestโ and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths andย those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in โoutsmartingโ others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage toย run afoul of the law.
***
Now that you have read through the different โflavorsโ of narcissism you might be thinking, โwhat next?โ
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself moreย for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
Would you like to save this?
Your information will never be shared.
On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what youโve discovered below. You never know โฆ your comment could help to salvage anotherโs life.
Whenever you feel the call, there are 3 ways I can help you:
1. The Spiritual Wanderer Course: Need "big picture" direction, clarity, and focus? Our Spiritual Wanderer course is a crystallization of 10+ years of inner work, and it can help you find your deeper path and purpose in life as a spiritual wanderer. You get 3+ hours of audio-visual content, workbooks, meditations, a premium test, and more!.
2. Shadow & Light Membership: Want weekly intuitive guidance to support you on your awakening path? This affordable membership can help you to befriend your dark side, rediscover more self-love, and reclaim inner wholeness.
3. Spiritual Awakening Bundle: Looking for a collection of all our essential transformative resources? You get five enlightening ebooks, seven in-depth journals, plus two empowering bonuses to help you soul search, heal, and awaken.
My mother is a malignant narcissist and my first partner also was one. I didn’t know the word narcissist or empath back then. I just knew she and he were opposite sides of the same coin. Because of my traumatic childhood I had no self-esteem or self love. I was being a martyr and if they loved me then I’d be happy. I needed their validation. After 5 years of marriage I had to run. He was going to kill me and I didn’t want to die. My mother tried to kill me when I was 14. The cycle repeating.
I’d gone back and forth between him and my mother. Once that self preservation kicked in I had him arrested. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. Not only because I was always told if I get him arrested when he’d get out I’d have it worse, I also felt I was betraying him!
It took 2 years before I felt strong enough to see him and serve him with divorce papers.
I got stronger and grew up after that. I never saw myself as a victim. Instead, if I was dating someone and they did the things he did that hurt me I was out the door. I forgive but I never forget. I learned from it and wasn’t going to go through it.
In the beginning I faked being confident and put together. I wasn’t going to show fear or let anyone bully me again. I treated people the way I wanted to be treated. I didn’t blame them for what I went through. I don’t think we empaths are capable of holding grudges lol.
I began to meet people that admired me for just being me! I did have good qualities! Eventually I really had a self-esteem and self respect.
I started boxing in my 30s and I loved it. People were amazed at how quickly my body changed. I was always athletic but boxing made me more muscular. I liked how I looked. Then one day my boyfriend at the time said I looked better before.
I thought of my ex-husband and how I would change my appearance however he wanted even if I didn’t like it and I laughed inside. I looked at my boyfriend and said “I like how I look. If you don’t, then look somewhere else.” I meant it.
I no longer needed anyone’s validation or approval. I’m not perfect but I knew I wasn’t less than or better than anyone else.
I ended up seeing my ex-husband over 2 decades after I left. I suddenly started having recurrent dreams with him. Seeing him triggered my 1st spiritual awakening. We had unfinished business. I had a lot of repressed memories that resurfaced. I had to confront these things.
When I saw him I wanted to laugh. He’s grandiose personality hadn’t changed. I was a completely different person and he was the exact same person.
He asked for a kiss twice! I said no twice. Then he kissed me! I slapped him in the face ๐. No means no! He was shocked. I wasn’t that little girl who couldn’t make eye contact and just a change in his voice had me trembling.
I’d already confronted my mother and made peace with the fact she was never going to love. She was still intimidating my siblings and we’re all grown ups. She couldn’t do it to me anymore. I called her out on her cruelty. How she kept us divided. I said a lot until I lost my voice. She called me an alcoholic (a complete lie but my dad was). I told her “no wonder my father drank. To deal with you who wouldn’t!”
She had no words. I spoke the truth and for the first time she didn’t have anything to say.
My mother and my ex-husband were the only people I ever feared and wanted their love at the same time. I no longer feared them. I saw them as my equals like everyone else. I’m a nice person but I can be brutally honest and most people can’t deal with that. To a narcissist telling them you see them for what they really are is the worst thing you can do to them.
I learned what they were and what I was. They didn’t love me because I wasn’t worthy. They weren’t capable of loving me because they don’t even love themselves.
All I endured made me a better person. Pain is growth, they say. I actually pity them. They are stuck in their ways. They had trauma in their childhood and instead of thinking this hurt me so I’m not going to do it to anyone. They’re thinking is I suffered so you also suffer.
I broke that cycle. I gave what I wasn’t given as a child and young adult. Other people hurt me throughout my life because I attracted toxic people being an empath and not aware of it. That was a struggle. I always forgave but never forgot the lessons each person taught me. No matter how dark things get you can find the light and meaning. It just takes a little longer in some situations than others.
I was always stubborn. Even when I was beaten by my mother I refused to cry because I knew that’s what she wanted. I hadn’t done anything wrong so I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction. I was that stubborn at age 3! Of course she always got what she wanted. I could only endure so much pain. I’d let a single tear fall so she’d stop and that was it! (She literally has bragged how I can take a beating in sadistic pleasure! I was walking and potty trained by 1 and she hated that! She’d say how I was always so independent with contempt even when I was an adult! She was already losing control over 1 year old me and holds a grudge forever. Pretty twisted.)
I guess they didn’t break me despite everything because of that stubbornness. I was always being falsely accused by both of them and that was something I couldn’t tolerate. For some reason that bothered me more than anything else, That’s when I’d get angry. That “righteous anger” gave me strength.
Now I don’t care what anyone thinks or says about me lol. I’m true to myself and others. I have nothing to prove to anyone.
I wrote a lot! I don’t know if anyone will read all this. I wrote this because I went through all these things alone. I had to learn everything on my own. I hope that by sharing this anyone going through something similar won’t feel as alone. If I made it so can you.
Life can be unfair and cruel and we have to accept it. What we do with our suffering is on us. We can get up everytime we fall and keep going or we can remain on the ground. I refuse to stay down. That’s what victims do. They don’t grow, learn or let go. Instead they give their power to others.
Never let anyone take your power. Maybe you don’t see it now but one day you’ll see how strong you truly are. It took me 45 years for all of this to sink in because I was alone. Hopefully, you’re younger and believe my words and get there earlier than me.๏ปฟโค๏ปฟ
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. There are many similarities with my own story. Iโm 33 now, and finally learning that itโs okay to let go of people who are crushing you. I still struggle with feelings of guilt though. Itโs hard because they tell you how much they need you, while also being disrespectful. Then when youโre tired of the contempt, you are apparently at fault for abandoning them! They are not capable of love, and that is very sad! I hope theyโre able to learn how to love, itโs a wonderful feeling. I had to shut down my emotions for many years just for protection. But now Iโm free and able to love the new people who are coming into my life. Enjoy your boxing ๐ I am loving walks in the forest with my dogs. And I have a loving boyfriend now, we are a tan and he makes me feel so safe to communicate any of my needs with him. Itโs still difficult for me to speak up at times but he is patient and kind. Xx