When we were young it was kind of cute when we threw tantrums as toddlers, not getting what we wanted. People would coo at us, maybe even pick us up and hold us, telling us in ooey-gooey tones that “you’ll get it later” or “you’ve got to wait a little while“. Then our tears would be mopped up, our snotty little noses would be wiped, and we’d be placed gently to the ground again.
As we grew older, some of us would learn to wait our turn, be patient and show consideration for others. Some of us, however, didn’t. We’d continue throwing tantrums, but in more mature and sophisticated ways. We’d continue to demand our fair share from others, but more subtly, and often without screaming or rolling around on the floor crying. And last of all, we’d continue to expect special treatment just because … well, just because we’re us and it’s because what we deserve. Naturally.
Well here’s the thing … you’re not so special. And this article will explain why.
Me! Me! Me!
Linked with narcissism in the world of psychoanalysis, having a sense of entitlement can easily be mistaken as natural, and even healthy. After all, don’t our parents and societies constantly tell us that “we’re unique”, “we’re special”, and “we’re number one”?
The truth is, having a sense of entitlement is a malignant form of Self-Love, because it often harms the people around us, which indirectly harms us in the long term. In essence, a sense of entitlement is established and upheld by the belief that we are the center of the universe, and if the universe doesn’t meet our needs and desires, all hell will break loose.
This narcissistic mindset is often the result of failing to learn as children and young adults that we are not so special, and other people don’t merely exist to serve our needs and wants.
Some typical examples of narcissistic sense of entitlement behaviors, include the following:
- Tim and Estelle are in a long term relationship. Tim works full time to support Estelle and their child in a small two bedroom apartment. Estelle spends a large portion of Tim’s money on dresses and fancy accessories. When confronted, Estelle screams that she never wanted to live a “poor and lonely life”, and Tim never treats her anyway.
- Antonio shows up unexpected at his mother’s house drunk one night expecting to receive a bed, and a meal. When his mother refuses, telling him to call his girlfriend to pick him up, he argues with her and drives away in a drunken rage, not talking to her for the next 6 months.
- Katie and Xiang are best friends. But when Katie doesn’t respond to one of Xiang’s texts within half an hour, Xiang blocks her and doesn’t talk to her for the next week. Xiang fights with Katie accusing her of “not caring” and “forgetting about her”.
- Alex and Ben are a gay couple who are about to get married. While Ben wants a humble and modest ceremony, Alex wants it to be extravagant and expensive. Meeting with the wedding adviser while Ben is sick one day, Alex raises the budget from $5,000, to $20,000. When Ben finds out he demands angrily why. Alex says that he “deserves more than a measly little wedding” and guilt trips Ben into going through with it.
These are only a few illustrations, but there are countless stories out there that exemplify both passive and aggressive disregard for others.
Sense of Entitlement Symptoms
By now you may be wondering: do I have a sense of entitlement? Like anything in life there is a spectrum, and while you may not be a full-blown narcissist or have a borderline personality disorder, you may exhibit a certain level of selfishness that makes other people’s lives hard. If you have a sense of entitlement, symptoms include the following:
1. You impose unrealistic demands onto your family, children, friends, acquaintances, lovers, employees, and/or employers.
2. You tend to feel sorry for yourself if things don’t work out the way you wanted (self-pity), and openly advertise this in melodramatic, attention-seeking ways.
3. People have called you a “bully”, “manipulative”, “ruthless”, “egotistical”, “vain”, or a “liar”.
4. You believe that you deserve happiness and go to great, sometimes extreme lengths to ensure that happens, often at the expense of others.
5. You punish people when they don’t do what you want either passively (e.g. silent treatment, gossiping, spreading rumors) or aggressively (e.g. shouting, verbally/physically abusing).
6. In order to “succeed” in life, you believe in going to any lengths.
7. You constantly see other people as competition or “threats”.
8. You tend to exhibit many double-standards in the way you behave/interact with other people, e.g. I can be late and forget my duties and commitments, but YOU can’t; I can treat myself, but YOU can’t; I can abuse or disrespect you, but YOU can’t to ME.
9. You tend to take more than give in friendships and relationships.
10. You tend to look out for yourself, your needs and desires more than anyone else almost 100% of the time.
11. You have a hard time negotiating or compromising.
12. You have a deep-seated conviction that you have priority and should always come first, even at the expense of stepping on others.
13. People always seem to be offended or upset by what you do or say.
14. You generally think that you are better, or more important, than other people and other people should see this and unquestioningly respect you.
15. You crave admiration and adoration.
16. You like to assert your dominance or superiority over other people, finding it second nature.
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It’s important to remember that we all suffer from personality flaws. While some of us are stingy or deeply insecure, others of us have sense of entitlement complexes. If you tend to show this narcissistic trait, there are many ways to slowly work through it to improve the quality of your life, and the lives of others. Examples include:
- Developing more Self-Awareness. Without being aware of what you think, feel and do, you won’t be able to progress very far.
- Identifying your inner expectations about the world, as well as deep-seated beliefs and ideals. Often a sense of entitlement stems from unhealthy or unrealistic perceptions that you may not even be aware of.
- Work to accept life as it is without imposing your beliefs, ideals or expectations. This includes practicing forgiveness, and allowing people to be the way they are naturally.
- Concentrate on developing compassion and empathy. Asking “how does this affect others?”, “how does he/she feel right now?”, “how would I feel if I was her/him?” helps to broaden the mind, and open it to new, and beneficial, ways of thinking.
- Celebrate with other people, and celebrate other people. Pay attention to the happiness and joy of others: happiness shared is happiness multiplied. Also, being thankful for the people in your life allows you to place more importance in them, seeing how truly special they are.
- Slowly work on cultivating true Self-Love, not the malignant kind.
Change won’t come overnight, but with dedication and will power your life can take a permanent turn for the better.
If you would like to share any thoughts or experiences you have on having a sense of entitlement, please do so below in the comments area!
I am a self-entitled woman. I exhibit most of these symptoms, but it is totally ok and I will tell you all why.
For every lid, there is a pot.
I may not be several people’s cup of tea, but I may be so dear and special to some people that I may not even come off as draining, demanding, or self-entitled to them. Those are the people that are worthy of my love and friendship.
Treating me the way I want will come naturally to them and it will, in turn, motivate and prompt me to treat them with tenderness and love too.
I am 36 years old now and for MANY MANY years, I was told I would remain forever single because of my selfish, self-centered ways.
I have been happily married for almost 3 years now to a man whom I met almost 4 years ago. He loved every aspect about me and I loved every aspect about him: He was tall, had nice biceps, pecs, had gorgeous eyes, treated me like a princess. He voluntarily told all his friends whenever they called that he had met a girl he loved and would be spending all of his free time with her without me even asking him to.
In reality, for 32 years, I was dumping all the ugly unworthy losers I did not like and keeping my heart open for the one who mattered and he, as sure as the sun rises in the morning, came into my life.
Guess what? For all the love and appreciation he showed me, I treated him like a prince and our love has only grown day by day despite all the horrible things people tried to tell him about me, about how rotten and spoiled and selfish I used to be, or hey (I still proudly am). Despite how jealous so many men and women were of me when they realized little selfish, stuck-up bitchy old me had found quite a catch, they didn’t succeed in ruining my reputation in front of him.
From the day we met, it took him only 27 days to buy me a ring and propose with a gorgeous ring because, guess what? I am totally worth it.
Ladies, if you are spoiled and self-entitled, don’t let any of these other women or butt hurt men tell you to lower your standards. Your sense of entitlement probably comes from knowing you are beautiful and have A LOT to offer that you won’t necessarily waste on the wrong people.
Be your own best self for yourself. Do whatever you need to for yourself and don’t give too craps about how others feel about it. You only live once. Get whatever you want out of this life just for yourself.
Sonja, you mean “don’t give 2 craps” not “too craps”. Spent all that time writing to sound so educated and you end like that. FAIL!!! 36?.. enjoy the last few years of riding on your high horse!
Then again unfortunately most women today have a very mental problem which really speaks for itself.
I like the Gesalt Theory Mary referred to. I am guilty of an entitlement mentality. I try to be self- reflective but fail. I have a close relative that is a covert narcissist an a child on the autism spectrum. I feel that too often in society we are inclined to be self- indulgent and therefore entitled. Last night I gave a ride in my messy car to a homeless man who was headed to a warming shelter. Instead of an initial reaction of embarrassment, fear or that I was somehow entitled to warm transportation and he wasn’t. I decided to allow myself to be motivated by grace and an open heart. I found out he is a Vietnam Veteran (like my dad) He was there during the same years as my dad. He is affected by seizures from his exposure to Agent Orange. “Tennessee” is 63 but he looked 78 plus. I initially thought he was drunk because he was slurring his words and so difficult to understand. His seizure disorder is just part of the price he’s paid as a casualty of service to our county. He said he hadn’t been back home (Tennessee) in 46 years. He had on 4 “coats” as he called them and a pair of ripped jeans. And I nearly missed the opportunity to give this man a ride. He taught me a lot in those 6 or so blocks as we drove in the 29 degree temperature. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
This article is taking time away from me I don’t want to read anymore haha
Thank you very much…I enjoy the information on this site very much…helps one learn, grow, understand and accept ones own path.
So to take this a step further, it may benefit readers to look into “tools for developing emotional intelligence ” as well as reading more fiction. Apparently developing the ability to relate to the story of others helps folks learn to walk a mile in another’s shoes.
Though there are many great articles on this site and gifted writers that share their views that many shy away from mainstream. This is one I do not see as useful but more of a search, to understanding how thought and perceptions lead to beliefs which are contrary, to our actions. I also believe that it is informative, but lacks the connection of personal experience. I get the sense of notes from a psychology class. For me personally, this reads as it was write by psychologists or a person who has just been given this as a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. To find enlightenment one has to focus on themselves. It’s a journey of self discovery, to not only connect with the universe as a whole, but to not be moved mentally & emotionally by the world outside of our human shell. It’s more of a hunger driven by the soul, to reach a state that is harmony between, what is physical and metaphysical. See I know it to be fact that I am unlike most of the population. For my limitless belief in my ability and who i am, allows me to excel in everything I do. See unlike most, I believe my ability, is only limited by my will!
WOW if I dared to throw a tantrum as a child I got my butt beat. I do feel I deserve respect from those I give respect to.I do try to respect every one and be thoughtful of their feelings even when they do not reflect my own. Anything else I want just for me I go out and earn it. Why should any one else provide it for me if it is my need or want only? OTOH I also try to give myself respect and take care of me do nice things for me if only to sit and read a book with a cup of tea. I feel I deserve this some times as long as all my chores and obligations are taken care of first. OR if I just need some time out to re-charge my energy. Very good article. I SMH on so many that feel so entitled.
http://ecourse.psychalive.org/overcome-your-inner-critic/#sthash.XO5EV6b5.dpbs
We all need to be more compassionate with ourselves
Great article! in my opinion, the most extreme case of an entitled person that I have come across (from personal experience) is what I came to know as a ‘covetous sociopath’. The basis of the MO of these people is that they have a very deep seated feeling that life has denied them certain privileges that other people have honestly worked for, so they therefore seek to either take those perceived privileges away from other people, or else destroy them, along the “if I can’t have it, you can’t have it either” mentality. Life for these people is a constant competition with other people, even so-called best friends, where they will suddenly betray people in the most hurtful of ways and then turn around and justify their actions with childish logic. While covetous sociopaths and narcissists both have an outrageous sense of entitlement, they are differentiated in that regard according to the extent that they will go to get their way. Narcissists hurt the people around them and destroy the relationships in their lives as a result of being too concerned about themselves to care about other people, while covetous sociopaths actively go out of their way to wreck the good things in the lives of others. I highly suggest reading up on it. Very interesting stuff.
This article resonated with me immediately as that is exactly how most celebrities behave.
9 &10 ring true with me