Do you have an inflated ego?
Ironically we cringe at this question so much that it instantly makes us go into denial mode. “NO … I have quite a normal ego thank you,” we are prone to think. Then, we might proceed to hunt for a person in our lives that we can feel angry and self-righteous towards and start ruminating on how much we detest their inflated ego.
Funny don’t you think?
The ego denies the existence of the ego, and the ego likes to find someone else to blame, which is precisely why we continue ending up in the same depressing emotional ruts over and over again. When we refuse to acknowledge the extent to which our ego runs our lives, we fail to ever authentically grow or find deep inner peace in life.
But to acknowledge that you have a humongous ego is very hard. Oh yes!
It takes humility, openness and radical honesty to get to a point where you can say, “YES, I have a MASSIVE EGO, and it sucks.” It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are wrong and that you’re not as great or as righteous as you once thought. Why? Because for many people this spells D.E.A.T.H., an ego death; death of stability, death of certainty, death of confidence, death of self-esteem.
But hear me now … you don’t need to hate yourself in order to admit that you have an inflated ego! On the contrary, admitting this to yourself is one of the greatest acts of self-love possible, and it is a direct gift from the Soul to be able to admit your egotism, and yet still respect who you are on a soulful level.
5 Tactics of the Inflated Ego That Keep You Asleep
When you are “asleep” you have not awoken to the truth of life – of your reality. When we speak of “waking up” or refer to a “spiritual awakening” we are referring to a person who has tasted authenticity of being – not the lies and half-truths of man-made existence.
So have you woken up, or are you mostly asleep? Perhaps you are in the middle, and exist in a limbo between truth and lie, reality and unreality. Find out below:
1. I need anger and fear in order to enact change.
I have heard this so many times – even from myself – that it is mind-boggling. Activists, in particular, suffer from this type of ego trick, believing that the only way to create real change is to approach people from a place of anger. I’ve seen and heard a lot of vegans, religious missionaries and animal right’s activists in particular use guilt, shame and fear to try and convert people to a “better way of life.” However, this often just results in ego-fueled arguments, resentment, and worst of all, denial.
The reality is that anger breeds anger. War breeds war. But love breeds love. Peace breeds peace. And love, true love in my experience, is not an inactive state of sitting in your own drool; it is active, and comes from a place of understanding.
Who would you most likely take seriously? A person who calls you a “sinner” or a “selfish murderer” who is “unconscious, unethical, and the scum of the earth,” or someone who teaches you empathy, true understanding, and compassion for not only yourself, but for all of life?
2. I need to be “more spiritual” in order to be happier.
When you think of a spiritual person, what do you picture? Perhaps you think of a yogi, or an energy healer, or a psychic. Images of crystals, chakra cleansing or meditation might arise. And while all of these things are very useful and extremely beneficial, it is not actually necessary for us to “be a spiritual person” in order to find deep, abiding joy.
Why is this the case? Because the act of pursuing an image of spirituality takes away from the act purely experiencing Being. When we are constantly desiring and attempting to be something other than what we innately are, we create an immense dissatisfaction and rift in our lives. We constantly feel as though we are “almost there”; almost the epitome of spirituality, when all along we are chasing our tails in circles. In reality, what we have desired all along is already here beneath all the layers of our thoughts, beliefs, desires, conditionings and goals.
How can you know this for sure? Take a moment to stop what you are doing right now. Stop your searching, stop your running, stop your resistance to whatever is happening in your life in this very moment. Allow everything to be as it is. This doesn’t mean being a pushover or doormat; it means being smart and not fighting with reality. Stopping everything is the best way to experience the innate joy that has already existed beneath everything all along.
3. I need to suffer in order to find fulfillment.
This mindset is similar to the Martyr complex way of seeing life. While it is undeniable that suffering helps us to grow and learn, to think that suffering is a prerequisite to experiencing fulfillment is like thinking that you must chop off your finger in order to have a really great day.
The reality is that you don’t need to suffer to find fulfillment, although finding fulfillment is often a result of suffering. Sound like a bunch of Dr. Seuss lingo?
Often we get extremely attached to our stories of righteous suffering. Why? Because they make us feel special and entitled. However, what we neglect to realize is that the ego is running the show here: you don’t need to be a martyr to experience the Soul. You don’t need anything but the cultivation of conscious presence, now.
4. That thing/that person is responsible for my suffering.
We are conditioned since birth to name, blame and shame. Essentially, pointing the finger at other people and situations for our misfortune and unhappiness is our heritage, and one we carry with immense burden.
Yes, your son might not be talking to you; yes, your partner might not be accepting your goals and dreams; yes, you might have been diagnosed with a terrible illness, but in and of themselves these people and events in your life are not responsible for your suffering. Your resistance to them is. Your desire for them to be anything other than what they are is.
Of course, this doesn’t mean giving up and letting people and situations walk all over you. It doesn’t mean not doing the best for yourself and making the very most of your life. But it does mean taking responsibility for your reactions, thoughts and feelings. It does mean accepting that your happiness is a direct reflection of your decisions.
5. I need THAT to give me THIS.
Here are some common examples:
I need lots of money to give me security. I need your love and acceptance in order to make me feel whole and complete. I need to lose this much weight in order to make me confident and sexy. I need to rebel against what they do in order to make me a better person. I need to be successful in order to feel fulfilled in life. I need to be likable in order to be acceptable.
Is this all true?
The reality is that nothing outside of yourself can genuinely give you what you can’t give yourself from the inside. This is because whatever is out of your control is subject to being destroyed or taken away from you within seconds.
Your Turn …
What ways has the ego enslaved or dominated you throughout life? Perhaps you have lost touch with your Soul as a result of listening to the voice of your ego too frequently. Finally, can you provide any more examples of how the inflated ego overtakes our lives?
I disagree that other people are not and cannot be responsible for our suffering. If we are all connected, then that means anything I do affects another.
If I am texting on my phone while I am driving and slam into the back of someone’s car, killing their infant on impact… then I am responsible for that person’s suffering. And not only have I caused someone else suffering, but my own suffering as well.
I think teaching spirituality on the basis that no one but us is responsible for our happiness, completely goes contrary to the teaching that we are all one and completely negates the fact that our actions most certainly do have an emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, societal, economic, global impact on others.
I am breaking up my 5 years long love relationship because I just couldn’t handle my ego I am too adament to accept my flaws and what I do is blame him.
My ego is so severe that whatever I do now, I introspect and think of it as an act arising out of my evil egoistic intentions. I cannot trust myself anymore. What do you think I should do in such case? Should I sever all my bonds and give myself some time to bring my pieces together?
Omg, I have that 400yr thing too, its so annoying. My ego just chews through everyone I care about :( in a really bad way…. n people wonder why I like ego destroying drugs.. I wish I took some before destroying relationship.
HAHA! Me too! LOL. I only tell my husband when that happens…lol.
The good thing, Adam, is that you recognize it. And that is HUGE! Not many people out there recognize when their ego is at work. The fact that you do, shows you are a step ahead :)
My ego pushes me again and again. I always have to try harder… Nothing is good enough. I have to heal myself quicker, I have to be kinder, wiser, more spiritual, “perfect”. I think it’s the one thing that is preventing me to become the real me and to live fully and in this moment. Because really I don’t have to try anything. Just live.. It’s so simple but so hard. My ego is telling me that don’t accept your flaws and your negative sides.. It’s telling me to be perfect. When in fact there are no people who are completely free of negative traits or thoughts or people who are perfect. And that’s ok! We have to accept ourselves completely and that means with all the “negative traits” which aren’t even negative. They are just personality traits and completely neutral. There shouldn’t be any need to label our personality traits at all. We just have to accept that we are human… And that we are perfectly fine like this. Even if we are at this moment filled with so called negativity. That’s what we are at this moment in our life.. If we agree to be part of the change then we grow naturally without trying and thinking too much.
Yes, that’s the way Laura!
I feel living in the past or future causes the ego to run your life. Living in reality and accepting it for what it is gives you some peace of mind. Always being in the past causes depression of either wishing you were back in your old days or wishing you had done something else different. It stops you from focusing on the now and what you can do to improve your situation of bettering yourself. Living in the future causes anxiety of what could happen which causes fear since you can’t control it, it’s a vicious cycle. We will always have some ego since it is where our personality comes from. The only way to tame the ego is to be fully present in the now. Sometimes I pretend nothing happened before today, that I only have this day and have to do the best I can. It centers me. Also realizing everyone is precious and special. Nobody is better than another and we all have our own special gifts and talents that matter equally. It makes no one special cuz we all are.
I notice when my ego pops. It’s popping right now because I’m trying way too hard to elaborate the circumstances that I feel stroke my ego. Just trying to look cool I guess with a smart sounding reply….lol.
Hmmm…an example of my ego….well, people called me condescending before….while discussing gardening. I might be OCD when it comes to growing things. Give me the opportunity to talk about growing stuff…and I will happily ride my ego filled high horse.
I can get all egoed out when discussing philosophy.
I think my cookies are better than yours…lol..
My family tree goes back to year 400 (no joke) I let that stroke me ego. It’s cool.
Being intuitive is the worst…cause you always think you’re right by trusting your gut. And when I trust my gut, I am right…lol (hi ego!)
The philosophical details regarding the ego are quite deep and fascinating. We all have one. Can’t truly “live” without it. I try to let it dangle loosely around my soul, instead of choking it. Lol.
Yeah, this article really resonates with me. In a point of my life i believed all of this things, one at that time (number 4 was just “overcome” recently), and even though you can actually blame other people, or try to become spiritual or get tons of material objects, you’ll never be truly happy until you accept yourself and what you’re living.
I’m not sure if this applies, but what happens to me is that I mistrust others very often, not because I want to but because of past experiences I have had (very bad experiences), so I believe is my ego trying to survive; after all that is what ego wants, surviving no matter what. I’d love to be closer to people around me, but I’m not quite sure how that can be achieved, although I’ve became better on talking, expressing and listening to others too, still feel like a connection is missing, and I’m scared that I’ll become dependent (as I’ve always seen myself as independent and self-sufficient but according to others I’m kind of selfish). I’d like to change that. Not sure how to be just open to people and things and simply expect the best, embrace uncertainty instead of expecting some result and see all possibilities (this is probably the ego talking, but I actually tend to do that very often). As I’ve heard read and be told embracing uncertainty is the “best” way to be happy. I’d like to know tough I think it’s not something that can be known, but probably is something that need to be felt, and that’s where I’ve no enough skills. Do you have any advice for me? It’d be very much appreciated. :)
Great read. I must admit I have a big ego too,as I usually see the causes of people’s afflictions from a mile away,and more often then not I am proven correct. It is very difficult getting a hold of this ego,even as I practice much self awareness.
I almost get the sneaky feeling that there’s a big universal joke going on that once you succeed in dealing with a particular desire, you get granted it! This could be seen as a reward …but also perhaps a fortifying test…?
I could add, our ego always need to be right…right?….;-)
RIGHT!
That was one of your best articles yet and i plan on sharing it. Thank you so much for what you give to help others.
Thanks Sandra <3 I'm happy to hear that you benefited from it.
My ego problem is that I am a mature soul and my husband is an old soul. I have one young soul in my life (my son) and the rest are baby or infant souls. There are too many times I feel superior to the baby or infant souls in my life, and I am really working hard on getting over that. I understand why they are the way they are and that should be enough. I should be there to help them, but my ego gets in the way. #3 also resonates with me. I am a compulsive worrier and if I don’t worry about something I find something to worry about. I see an awesome hypno-therapist who has helped me with self esteem issues, and next visit she is going to hypnotize me for the worry thing. BTW, hypnosis works well for me, as long as it is something I really want to change.
I so have to agree with Carson. One of the sneakiest things the Ego shows his nasty little head in my mind is when I truly do feel superior and right. Specially as a HSP and Empath because my soul knows that “I know that I know without knowing how, it just is” I constantly have to remind myself to separate my mind’s whisperings from my soul’s whisperings. Thanks you so much for this article!
Thanks Lielu!
Hahaha agreed!
You might also like to try self-hypnosis (which we’ve written about) — it has helped me a lot in the past with anxiety issues. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability here Carson!
it’s funny you mention hypnosis, I am seeing a therapist who does hypnosis and she has really helped me with self-confidence and we are going to do a session next week on worry issues. To me the most important quality to have when going under hypnosis is the desire to change.
I can now confidently affirm that nothing is more deathly to my growth n awareness than my own EGO. I live in Africa- Gambia to be specific. i have suffered all my life from my own self. i never had a clue of what and why was suffering so much. until one day when i stumbled on this site. Brother mateo and sister Aletheia- or should bring the A before the M. I owe you my greatest and humblest gratitude. i wish i had the means to look into faces, shook your hands and said THANK YOU. since the day i discovered this sight my life has never been the same. from that day each day i hav keep on moving n growing form the inside. this has been the most wonderful think in my life so far.
its not posible for me tell how my entire sense of live or being has been transformed thanks to you for my freedom. i finds difficult to perfectly express my thoughts at this moment but one thing i can a certain is my EGO was the leading cause of all my problem: fear, sadness, discouragement, anxiety n the list can go on an on………..
Hassan, this is very beautiful for us to both hear, and we are honored to have you as a reader. It’s powerful to realize that who “We” truly are is not what we have been taught since birth. We are not our names, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or memories; we are something infinitely vaster and more eternal. Thank you for coming on this journey with us! I’d love to hear more from you in the future.
What a beautiful description of surrendering to what is. Although I don’t believe in a soul, I have been able to realize the pure awareness that we really are below our thoughts, emotions, preferences, et al. even when the ego tries to creep back in & my daily practice (after running) is to contemplate the qualities of awareness so when I need to recall them in a moment of forgetfulness. Those qualities are clarity, peace, non-judgement (important one), trust, creativity, nourishment, kindness & space.
Number 2 resonated with me. When I first began my journey into self-discovery, I looked towards alternative religions and belief systems to find a sense of fulfillment and to feel as if I were discovering my true self. I realized this method wasn’t working and have since done my best to not give in to the illusion of what I should be, and rather let myself simply be. It can be difficult at times, especially as I am prone to creating ideal versions of myself that I must aspire to be. However, I’m hoping to reach a point where I no longer need to indulge in these illusions.
Number 4 also resonated. Since I began learning about myself, I have realized many of the problems I face today are a result of the way I was raised. It has been so easy to blame my suffering on my parents and circumstances within my family. I allow myself to give in to my martyr complex. This is what I tend to struggle with the most.
Number 5 is another struggle. I tend to think such things as, “If I had more money, I’d be able to live a more natural lifestyle,” or “If I had a job, I could be more authentic to my beliefs by buying natural products without judgement because it’s my money.” Most of these have to do with money and it’s hard not to use it as an excuse not to change. However, I know that money cannot solve everything. I have had to take the much more difficult path and talk to my mother (who provides the money) about my financial choices and my changing lifestyle. Though it was difficult, in the end it proved much more worth it. She was understanding and has slowly grown used to the ways in which I’m changing. I have also learned to be patient and focus more on changing myself inwardly than focusing on outward appearance.
I love this exploration of yourself Ms. Blue; kind of like a written process of introspection. I’m glad this article could help with that and on such an important topic.
Thank you for reading and sharing here!
Cutting through spiritual materialism by Chogyam Trumpa disused similar isdues. Highly recommended.
I’m going to go a bit backwards.
Number 4- this resonated with me. When I was younger I used to always say, this or that person drives me crazy, makes me mad or upsets me. As an adolescent I struggled with so much because of how I was treated or mistreated so to speak. Until my boyfriend told me one day, “You can’t feel any way you don’t allow yourself to feel”. I know. Mind blowing. But it made sense and to this day Ive tried to remember that. Some times it harder than others to remember this but it’s always in the back of my head 15 years later.
Number 3- When going through dark places it’s so hard to know there can be a radical leap forward spiritually if you can just get through the muck and mire. Often times having wallowed because the darkness can become familiar and comfortable. But oh, after the break through… And it isn’t always the “ripping of the veil” or the hallelujah chorus. Sometimes it’s gradual but those things that once haunted you are replaced by an equally powerful and undoubtedly more fulfilling peace or a sense or normalcy you didn’t think you could have. Yes, you dont have to make yourself suffer to move forward. Life will do that all on its own. Embrace the experience and learn as much as you can from the marrow of life.
Number 2- This spoke to me. I have done lots of work starting with meditation, affirmations then moving on to crystals, moon meditations depending on phase, herb baths, years of dream work, as well as, other ritualistic type of work. Then, I had my baby. This beautiful soul I was graced with that has shown me love I never knew possible. Then there was, of course, this inability to follow through with the way I had been living. As much as I love my darling baby girl a part of me missed all the ways I had helped myself to grow spiritually. I knew if I could just get back to it I could progress again. Then in a short meditation I was presented with this- this is my now. This is where I will grow the most spiritually because this is where I am supposed to be. Bring her with you and the synergy created by bringing her into your practice will be greater than you ever thought possible. So whether it’s chanting with her dancing around the kitchen or picking her up her up in the middle of a meditation because she just wants to be with mom- all of this is part of my journey. The dynamic has changed but the journey is my own. I need to embrace it as it is now.
Thank you for then gentle reminder.
Celia, I think it is beautiful that you can make peace with the current reality of your life, that you can be flexible enough to flow with whatever changes come. This is true spirituality in my opinion.
Thank you so much for sharing your reflections here! I haven’t had a child myself yet, but the way you speak of it is certainly inspiring.
Love, Luna
Thank-you for sharing Celia. What wonderful insight. :)