What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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The last boyfriend I had was a narcissist sociopath. He delighted in dating women who were smart and successful so he could tear them down. He even told me how he tried to make his past fiancee believe she was going crazy. He was the catalyst and the kick in the butt I needed to go get help. I ended up in therapy and then in codependence recovery. This was three years ago. Today, I thank this experience because during this process, I discovered who I really am and how to restore my self esteem, and take my power back. I went thru many healing modalities for many things that I had buried and denied. Today, I am an intuitive healer. Today, I am a happy person and still open for healing…. smile emoticon
You are proof that it’s possible to heal and grow from such an experience. Thank you Sandra for sharing with us here!
Thank you Luna and thank you for this site. I’ve found the best articles for so many subjects that interests me and some that came as a surprise…wow! :)
I liked the “Marriage for the Solitary”
I recently “escaped” out of a 6 year relationship with a narcissist who left me emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I didn’t realize I was being gaslighted until I learned about it on an article in this site and had a huge aha moment. I have a lot of emotional repairing to still work on after leaving him over a month ago. He managed to convince me that I was a bad person, that I was crazy, and turn even some of my own family against me. I had to be strong and cut off all ties with this man. I had to move to a safe place and not let this person know where I live, work, or who I’m with. I had to realize that I wasn’t insane, that he was doing these things on purpose to make me lose my mind. He wasn’t a sweet, kind, and sensitive person like he pretended to be. If he could get violent with me, cheat on me, and call me every horrible name in the book for no valid reason yet never say sorry or show any remorse, he was definitely a narcissist. It’s much better to be alone than to be with someone who hurts you. In the long run the peace of mind I finally have is worth it and I will NEVER allow someone to treat me that way again.
Wow girl, this is a powerful read. I respect and admire your conviction and strength!
It’s all thanks to you and this site. If I didn’t “stumble” upon the gaslighting article, I would still be apologizing to him thinking I really did something bad. You gave me the strength and conviction to leave for good, and my life is already much better without him. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!
Great article! My feeling has always been one of; knowing where my sh*t stops and someone else’s begins. This requires being sensitive AND having good inter-personal skills as well as caring about my relationships with others. Here we can usually feel the tonality of that particular energy and respond to it, or not, from a place of understanding and compassion. I will add this; I’ve never been more hyper sensitive to this damaged breed as I am today and can spot them by a glance.. master teachers, personally… I can do without ;)
Master teachers … nice perspective!
I was married to one for 13 years…. year 13:getting out was my lucky one. Being an empath and caring and thinking, i could fix him..lead me to a really miserable existence. It did teach me tons…one…I deserve a heck of a lot better than that. I am strong..despite my kind nature. among many other lessons about myself! I kept letting him over and over treat me the way he did. I read a book on missing inner child parts….i was primarily missing the “inner bitch” and the key statement that saved me…made me wake up was this: “women that are missing their inner bitch…will be attracted to men that abuse them, use them, beat them up….etc and will ask themselves why is a nice person like me getting treated this way?…BECAUSE YOU LET THEM!” this was 2 years before i finally was able financially to walk away. During that 2 years i stopped letting him abuse me, i stopped letting him get away with his narcissistic behaviors…and he did NOT know what hit him. I realized years later that i was finishing my lessons of my mother…my mother was not kind to me at all as a child…she was extremely jealous of me in so many ways and still is. I could tell you stories!…and looking at your descriptions above..she fits 100% in the category of the Elitist Narcissis!! wow…. So now as a 50 year old…with the man of my dreams for 20 years. I am safe…i can be myself, i am protected, he understands me..and life is so so so so good! So do yourself a favor…only play out this lesson for so long..and realize there is SO MUCH BETTER out in life. It does not have to be tough..it is fun and amazing and so full of love! <3
Would you feel comfortable sharing how you lived the last 2 years… while preparing to leave?
it was rough. He mistreated me more and more.. I had to really stand up to him. I left the house as much as i could. that part was tough because i had 3 small children. But my escape was work. Fortunately we worked opposite schedules so my time was limited with him. and i did a ton of faking. I pretended to be okay..but in my head was preparing myself to leave. It was exhausting. By the time i left there was so little of me left. Funny that new song of late: “This is my Fight song”..with having one match to make the explosion..was sooo much what it was like at the time! Fortunately for me…and totally not planned. I met the man of my dreams as i was making my plans to leave…. I got a great job that was during the day so i could take care of my kids in the evening..and my boss at the time…well he is now my significant other of 20 years. When i was ready..right after i promised myself on my 30th birthday, that by the end of the summer, after giving it one more try..that i was going to leave. I saw a shooting star right before my kids went back to school. My cut off time. and i made a wish to God and the heavens that i was ready, please help me find the job i needed, gather the money up to be able to do this…and eventually lead me to the man that i knew i belonged with. (I had known every since i was a small child..4 or so that the man i was meant to be with would have dark brown eyes…a soul knowing…so those last two years..every brown eyed man I would encounter i would look intently into their eyes looking to see if i might find him) Any how…it ended up being Art….but that is a whole other story…there was a couple of crazy years at the beginning of that too….oh the adventures of life! *sigh* hehe….
All beautiful until we get into the crazy predictions. Still glad it worked out for you.
funny when you are in the midst of it all…it is all crazy and makes no sense…and realize after the fact that predictions were involved. It was a huge growth period for me…and believe me…it got even crazier and i felt like i went through the depths of hell to get to where i am today. Now looking back on it all..i can see what happened and how things all fell into place. I could write a book on it all! and i can say..that some times the damage that was done back then still haunts me at times today. Not just from my ex..but the ordeals I went through in the early parts of the relationship with the man i am with today..that is a whole other story..lol…So thanks :)
“Inner bitch” … I haven’t heard of this before. Research time!
Many thanks for sharing your experiences and perspectives about narcissism here Angela!
I’ve been wondering and searching for what is wrong in my relationship pretty much since it began 3 years ago. After reading this article …. I am convinced that I am a true Empath and he is a true Narcissists.
It’s so very hard… sometimes almost impossible.
But… I love him and I committed to him … I actually gave everything and everybody up in my life for him….
I want it to work… I hate reading that most of the time if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist that you have to end it to be happy.
I don’t want to end it… I would much rather either learn to live with it peacefully or fix it.
Any suggestions for me are greatly appreciated and thank you so much for the article.
i hate to break it to you…as the years go on..if you already gave every one up for him. You are going to get lonelier and lonelier in life..Please read my statement above..and Realize that you deserve so much more in life! It is yours to live but never cut yourself short! You are the only person that you can 100% count on treating yourself right..unless you allow some one to treat your poorly! and if you do…then you are the one to blame! Abuse comes in many forms. Emotional, mental and physical! Just keep this in mind and I am sure you are in this relationship for reasons…but do keep your head on straight about it and realize what is going on and just make sure you take care of yourself! Much love!
Thank you Angela, I appreciate your comments.
You can’t fix a narcissist. 12 years married to one. The day he finally left was like walking out of being jailed for 12 years. Confusing, my reality of life wadnt real, I had no clue who I was because he wasn’t there to tell me. Much like being freed after a long sentence, until you get back on your feet on the “outside” you will never realize you can do it. It feels foreign and your anxiety will likely be on high. I wish I had gone straight to a therapist when he left. Would have saved me a failed second marriage. Ask yourself if you would want for a child of yours what you experience with your significant other? Unlikely. So why do you want that for your inner child? Not judging you, I’ve been where you are likely. Just concern and hoping to give you another view of what you feel you want.
Thanks Dawn
I have learned that most of the time narciccist are unaware of their personality and the damage they do to people because they lack compassion and empathy so if you are a sensitive person and recognize selfish behavior and disregard for your feelings it’s best to simply stay/walk away.No explanation needed.
Yes, generally they lack self-awareness as well. Often it’s best to simply say “good bye” unless Life has different plans for you.
Thank you, I was in 3 relationships dealing with narciccists. They made me feel my emotions are irrational, that I can’t justify anything, I’m not logical and i am going crazy. I hit rock bottom because my victimhood was tied to childhood trauma. Once I realized I have to love myself first and it’s OK to not please everyone everything was clear..I’m going back to my true authentic self.Learning to love myself too, that was the profound lesson from those relationships. I had to meet them, the suffering helped me grow so once I learned my lesson ,I can recognize those energy vampires before they have sucked me back into that horrible cycle. They lack expression of emotions at times,so they need other peoples emotions to process their own. Hope they learn to open their heart and be genuine someday.
My narc insists that I “overthink” everything. And never does he accept ANY form of criticism! Unless he gets a happy cheer from me about everything, life is difficult. Even if I nicely suggest something, like let’s say, deep frying tortilla chips instead of baking them for better results, he gets upset and sulks. Seriously. I don’t understand…I’m constantly feeling responsible for his glass feelings. And it hurts me to think I upset him…but it seems more like anger to me.
What if you have a fear that you are an empath, but maybe you’re an empath because you’re actually a narcissist trying to overcompensate for being a narcissist? Does that even make sense? Like a highly self-aware narcissist? Can you identify as both?
Great query, JessiCan! I would share that I can identify as both. This awareness has only recently become clear to me, yet when I tell myself the truth, I have the traits of narcissism and am indeed an empath. I’ve re-entered a relationship with a narcissist who has some empathic capacities. Like Gitte shares below, the issue of balance is huge. I also perceive that we attract into our lives those with whom we are both meant to dance between being teacher/student…all for the purpose of healing and learning. I know I actually love this man. Deeply. I’ve loved him in other lifetimes as well. I’ve also evolved significantly since we were last involved, as has he, and we’re in the getting-to-know-one-another stage at this point. I recognize some of his dark shadows are indeed hidden parts of myself I’m only now accepting and loving. I recognize some of my light is one of the reasons he’s drawn to me. I know not how it shall unfold. I do know we have unfinished business.
This is actually a possibility JessiCan, so thank you so much for raising it here. I entertained the thought of raising this in the article, but I thought it would complicate the subject too much. As Suzy mentioned below, we attract into our lives “mirrors” — in other words, people that reflect the most desirable and undesirable traits of ourselves. I do think you can be a narcissist AND an empath. Being an empath is not the same as having empathy after all. Empaths feel and absorb the emotions of others, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they actively put themselves in the shoes of others and feel compassion for them. When I first started on my spiritual path I soon realized that yes, I was an empath, but no, I had very little active empathy for others. This is extremely hard for the overcompensating empath to admit to. In fact, this subject itself would make an excellent article.
Very intriguing.
Last year, I met a man with whom I connected like no one before or since. I have often connected with and “heard” animals, but never with a person, until I met him. I can hear his thoughts, feel his feelings, and I became sick when he was being treated for cancer (unbeknownst to me). In the past few months, we have becomes much closer, but if I were to analyze much of his behavior, I would classify it as narcissistic. Based on his history, though I almost classify his behavior as introvert/repressed empath with previous emotional trauma that brings out narcissistic behavior. Does that make sense? I am like a moth drawn to a flame–he is irresistible to me. How much emotional danger am I in? I don’t know.
Makes a lot of sense. Hurt people hurt people. I would say build your sense of worth and have a strong network of friends before helping him, if you’re looking to do so. Let them know what’s up. Just “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” – Nietzsche
Thanks JessiCan, having same thoughts in mind, being able to relate to both.
Does an empath, after being burned by narcissism, start adopting such traits ?
I wonder if all of us show one aspect or the other, depending on circumstances and the personality of people we deal with, varying only in degrees.
I believe narcissism can be reformed by self-awareness. It is important for them to always keep an open eye and ear to their inner chatter and imagination, and continuously work on filtering delusional, self-aggrandizing and dangerous thought-patterns from rational/caring ones and intentionally seed and grow the latter.
Deep down narcissistic characters too want love, respect and recognition; but suffer from poor social skills or from a self-imposed ignorance to acknowledge the importance of making others feel equally loved, respected and recognised. In this process, they need a lot of help from those with empathic traits.
Narcissists do have some good character traits that one can learn to emulate. They also possess high degree of self motivation, although mainly ego-driven. But if they could learn to channelize that monstrous energy and use conscience to choose fight the right battles, instead of pulling others down, then they’d lead a good life
and be a good role model. They are among the ones who dare put their head and hearts in larger-than-life problems.
We may possess a god-complex, but can we transcend it by recognizing a life will be better if we recognize the god in every life form ?
Wow, what an insight. I truly agree and appreciate these points. Our partners mirror a lot of what is in us. We see so much of their truth and experiences as empaths as well as our own selfishness as those who identify as empath/narcissist. That aspect of narcissism is indeed present even in those who has are empaths and have a high level of empathy. This narcissistic-empathic complex is so true for me, however my level of self-introspection and self-awareness allows the narcissism in me to stay in check, as best as I can. Your point on narcissists needing self-awareness and need to listen to ‘their inner chatter and imagination, and continuously work on filtering delusional, self-aggrandizing and dangerous thought-patterns from rational/caring ones and intentionally seed and grow the latter’ is very spot on. I agree with much of your points and a new point I raise is how does one make the narcissist more ‘self-aware?’ The self-imposed ignorance rings loudly. I found in my experience my partner found my need from more intimacy and communication from the relationship as a critique on one’s self-worth and self-esteem. If one can step outside of the their self for a second and consider the needs being expressed, forward progression in the relationship can slowly be achieved.
I have learned that I need to 100% accept that they are the way they are. I have recently begun that process by taking a good hard look at them with honest truth so that I can accept it instead of resist it. Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerance. It means that I don’t live with the illusion that they will be different. Once I accept them, I can be honest with myself about needing to respect my own boundaries not wait for them to honor them. I let my inner guide be in charge and not the narcissist.
Excellent advice here!
Thanks! This article is very informative regarding narcissistic personalities. In my dealings with this types of people I have learned that the setting of boundaries is a must. Sometimes the very act of boundary setting terminates the relationship, however that is not always the case with others. Also, I find it helpful to “see” them as they truly are: just a wounded human being. I feel very fortunate to have grown up with a mom who suffered from narcissistic borderline personality disorder. I learned a tremendous amount through that relationship. Thanks for availing yourself, through your writings, via this website. I stumbled upon it quite by accident….or maybe it was not by accident? ;) Take care!
“I feel very fortunate to have grown up with a mom who suffered from
narcissistic borderline personality disorder. I learned a tremendous
amount through that relationship.” <– I admire you Laura!
Thank You for this article! I agree completely that it is a matter of finding BALANCE… It is not black and white or good versus bad… Just like in all other aspects of life! As an empath I have found that I can cope with narcissists close to me… after I have learned to respond emphatic and straight from the hart to any kind of blame and criticism… Since I got wrid of my feeling of victimhood I can see and respond instantaneously without fear of hurting or making things worse….
In that flash second I feel the “pain” from a feeling of being unworthy (or stupid, slow, lacy etc). I catch it and throw it out again and with a complete good conscience… That’s the important part GOOD CONSCIENCE !!! If you are used to please others and don’t feel worth loving, then stay away from narcissist… If you can love yourself with good conscience and put a mirror to the narcissist then you can heal you both and have a very harmonious relationship with one…. I do think that it is kind of our “job” to heal one another…. but remember only to take RESPONSIBILITY for your own healing not others!! You can only show an example…
Gitte, do you mind sharing how you dealt with your victim hood mentality? I’m right on the verge of realizing what it is that keeps me from building, setting and supporting my boundaries. I have been reading on this site for a few months now and so much is becoming clearer to me. The key is still missing or a few pieces to the puzzle if you will. I see a bunch of behaviors and am becoming more aware of why I do or have done them. Boundaries have always caused issue with me because I pay more attention to what others need than what I need to be whole and healthy. Guilt is a huge trigger and I seem to wear a flag that tells men that I am victim, prey and weak. Recently I have become aware that I was near to not setting a boundary again when I realized I have a right to have boundaries. Unfortunately or fortunately the setting of this boundary is going to mean losing someone I had come to treasure. I realized though that he had set his boundaries and held no remorse or explanation or apology for them. I felt hurt by some of his boundaries but somehow was understanding of them and his right to set them. I realized in that moment I don’t give myself that understanding. Perhaps out of fear of loss, judgement, rejection. .. I’m so close to a pretty huge break through and I just wondered if you mind sharing what helped you?
Insightful point: take care of your own healing first before others! This follows the same precept as love: to love others you must first be able to sincerely love yourself. Thanks Gitte!
Well it’s nice to see you have learned so much and have a strong since of self worth. I myself am very compassionate, forgiving, and understanding to a fault. In addition my narcissistic husband is very intelligent and extremely manipulative. I may not be as smart as him or his is so good and his game that it has taken me along time to catch on to his lying and staging everything very perfectly. I’m frustrated, hurt/damaged and cannot seem to break away from him. I really love him and on the one hand understand he is unaware of some of his game, he really has come to think that there is nothing wrong with how he gets his needs met because he’ll make up with the use of money. He so good at this because he pin points a huge need that either I or my sons have and fulfills it no matter what it costs. His timing is always unconnected with his latest narcissistic invasion that you don’t see what his is doing till much later. Very unhappy, very stuck and I mean very stuck! Please HELP anyone. KIM
Hi Kim
It’s horrible to feel stuck!! Try to wrist yourself free…what is it that makes you stuck? You need to concentrate on you only…”brake the rules” demand what you need and don’t fear hard reactions (except if its violence) then get out!! Don’t fear hash words, silence or anger that’s just his problem not yours!!! Tell him what you need to do to feel better (not what he needs to do)!!! He can NOT help you!! Cut the cord, don’t expect anything from him, and do what YOU need to get back on track! Use your friends not him… If you love each other then you will grow closer if YOU are able to break free… First wrist yourself free! It’s ok!! It will be ok!! ❤️
Yes, be a narcisist. That will help you fight narcisists.
Gitte, I think it’s great that you’ve found balance and love for yourself! Your words that struck me the most were “cope with narcissists” and “I do think that it is kind of our “job” to heal one another” because this mentality is still very codependent. Why would you want an intimate partner in your life who you have learned to “cope” with? Why do you feel it’s anyone’s job to heal their romantic partner and have them heal us? We are all reaponsible for our own healing. Attempting to fix or heal your loved one is codependency at its truest. We are only in control of ourselves and ought to seek sufficient healing outside the context of our relationships before we can take the training wheels off to be in a healthy relationship. Seeing narcissists as wounded children in an adult’s body is definitely an appropriate perspective. Becoming immune to their behavior by seeing it for what it is and not taking it personally is wonderful for situations where one must engage with a narcissists (co-parenting, work, etc.); however, enabling their behavior by continuing to give them unconditional love and not holding them accountable (because you’re immune) just perpetuates their mal-adaptive patterns that range from harmful to profoundly abusive. This continues to give them the message that they don’t need to do their own work to heal their own wounds because they don’t have to as long as you (and other forms of supply) remain. Yes, they deserve love. One of the truest acts of love is to not be their safety net. As long as you are, they never have the incentive to do their own work outside the context of their relationships. My last comment/question to all of you who love yourselves enough that you are no longer hurt by the narcissists in your life and strong enough to stay with one is: if you love yourself that much, why would you remain in a relationship with someone who has a different definition of love, who is perpetually acting out, who needs to be be coped with and is so different from you? I know they are charming and lovable in many ways, which makes it very easy to justify the “good” with the “bad”, but why not find a partner who speaks your same love language and who is deeply invested in their own healing, honesty, integrity, compassion and empathy?