What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
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In my experience with elitist and or invulnerable narcissists, a stoic way of dealing with them is the Gray Rock method.
Dear Loner Wolf: I really enjoy your website and have probably read it several times over the last several years of transformation. I was married for nearly twenty years to a narcissist, but did not understand it, because my mother was also a narcissist. And, because of that, I directed everything inward – believing if I could only make myself invulnerable and perfect and accept blame for all problems, then I could make the relationship work. About four years ago, I developed an intense overwhelming crush on a young man, 24 years my junior, with whom I worked closely. I believe, at the beginning, he reciprocated. I was so obsessed with him and pleasing him that I went to therapy because I was unable to focus on anything else. Since we were part of a larger community, many of our co-workers noted to me how selfish and arrogant he came across and how much I sacrificed myself for his career. I also noticed that he did not have many friends, but I thought that meant he was choosy and had chosen me. At first, I did not see any faults. I thought he was the most special wonderful thing that… Read more »
The last 13 years I’ve been with the same woman. It was great in the beginning. Seemed like nothing could stop us. We had kids and everything was peachy. Then things changed. She started isolating me from family and friends. Then the threats started coming. She started using the kids against me, with lines like “I’ll take my kids and leave” everytime we had a disagreement, and I would give in because it was easier then arguing. I always tried to help her, wanted her to address the problem but everytime I asked her to seek help, I was the problem. She was the victim. Then we separated and the “please can we make this work, I’ll change I promise “ started. But that’s as far as it ever went. And still to this day I try to help her. Is there any hope at all?
Thank you for posting this!! I was dating someone who for months seemed the loving and doting boyfriend. But as soon as he had me hooked the mask came off and the cold, ridiculing, insensitive self came out. He broke up with me because he didn’t like me addressing behaviors I didn’t approve of. I was stunned and grasped to understand how he went from loving me to discarding me with little to no warning nor reasoning. I read the classic narcissistic signs and fits him to a tee. He did me a huge favor. It now makes sense!
I’m positive that one of my co-workers, with whom I had a brief romantic fling, and who, up until very recently, I considered a friend, falls into the category of a Vulnerable Amorous Narcissist. His ticks nearly all the criterion on the list. It got to such an extreme point where our work environment was so toxic and hostile, that I had to go to our supervisor and request that we no longer work together directly. I’ve forgive him time and time again for the horrible way he speaks to, takes advantage of, and gaslights me, but I’ve finally wisened up that the only way to protect myself is to sever ties completely. There is no scenario in which we can ever have a healthy and functional working or interpersonal relationship.
I’ve generally found that a quickish way to figure out if someone may be a narcissist is to identify if you have that “walking on eggshells feeling” around them you shouldnt have to watch what you say if you’re a kind hearted person speaking to another person who is capable of empathy. Another quick thing is just to try to set a boundary. if the other person gets angry with you instead of trying to find a happy middle/accept the boundary, then they likely have low/no empathy. I find it best to just remove all contact with these people, we are too understanding and will get suckered back in with even small amounts of contact.
I have a parent who I believe to be a narcissist. It’s like he only needs me when best suited for him & only talks to me when best suited for him as well. He has constantly thrown me under the bus to multiple family members & outsiders. He was never there throughout my life bc he was caught up in criminal activities & always locked up. I find trying to mend a relationship with him exhausting & honestly I want nothing to do with him. Really I just want some advice & wanted to share my situation in short.
I never noticed for 3.5 years that I was being lied to, mindfucked, and cheated on, while raising her kid and our baby. Mainly cuz I was a naive Taurus that had no reason to not take anything she said at face value. I would get a bad feeling sometimes and I would ask if she was cheating on me, and be like you’d tell me if you were right? Like an idiot. And go back to thinking all was fine, but she accused me of oddly specific scenarios like I know you cheated on me with Sarah last Wednesday at 1142 PM in apt. 113! And I worked till 12 pm the whole 3 years lol. Constantly isolated from family and friends while told we never go anywhere then ridiculed every second when we left. I slept on my couch for the last 8 months we lived together while she already had a new boyfriend. She turned my own family against me won custody of my daughter who’s now a 4 yr old diabetic, and got me thrown in jail for stalking after she kidnapped my child from me. To the point of being homeless and jobless she found… Read more »
I know that you must grey rock them and love them from a distance me as a an empath I cannot help but love them so it must be this way they will always come back and try to keep you as a good source of supply. We are actually the best. They feed and we give. Leaving us exhausted and drained. You must go no contact for a while and heal or atleast that was my personal experience. Having been raised by a malignant narcissist. Me being the way I am saved me plenty of times and wouldn’t change it for nothing. But you must educate yourself to understand what your up against and understand rather than expect to be understood itll never happen especially for someone who’s truly narcissistic. Thank you for your time.
It took me more than a few gems (narcassists) for me to finally recognize quickly when I am not respecting exactly how I feel around someone. . Previously I knew every time but let it slide, played it cool, gave more time or chances. Therefore getting deeper in it and hurt more when it ended.
Now the first time I feel the uncomfortable feeling about something they say or do I wrapt it around my head. Ask myself am I okay with it, if not I bail, no explaining, no conversation. If I decide I did not like the way I felt when the narc did xyz I do not second guess my own feelings.