What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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In my experience with elitist and or invulnerable narcissists, a stoic way of dealing with them is the Gray Rock method.
Dear Loner Wolf:
I really enjoy your website and have probably read it several times over the last several years of transformation.
I was married for nearly twenty years to a narcissist, but did not understand it, because my mother was also a narcissist. And, because of that, I directed everything inward – believing if I could only make myself invulnerable and perfect and accept blame for all problems, then I could make the relationship work.
About four years ago, I developed an intense overwhelming crush on a young man, 24 years my junior, with whom I worked closely. I believe, at the beginning, he reciprocated. I was so obsessed with him and pleasing him that I went to therapy because I was unable to focus on anything else.
Since we were part of a larger community, many of our co-workers noted to me how selfish and arrogant he came across and how much I sacrificed myself for his career. I also noticed that he did not have many friends, but I thought that meant he was choosy and had chosen me. At first, I did not see any faults. I thought he was the most special wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. But over time, it became more apparent. I noticed his “friends” were much like myself – desperate and insecure people pleasers. And over time, after the intense attention that he showed me at the beginning of our relationship wore off, he checked off every box of narcissistic/psychopathic behavior – triangulation, inability to apologize, gaslighting, deflecting criticism back to me, projection, extreme self-centeredness. And since he was so young, he was not skilled at veiling it. After a prolonged and painful period of devaluation (we worked together for 2 1/2 years) he discarded me as if I was worth less than a piece of used tissue.
It was never an affair, always a work relationship, but after the discard, I started couple’s therapy with my husband. I entered therapy believing all of the problems in our relationship were my fault because I had become so obsessed with this young man. I was also struggling with a complete lack of physical attraction to my husband – even deeper, an absolute revulsion to him – but I also felt this was my fault and that I should try to fix it. But, with help from my therapist and, surprisingly, the couple’s therapist, I saw that my husband had these same narcissistic behaviors as the young man, he was just far more skilled at manipulation. I realized that my ex had found my Achille’s heel, motherhood. While I outperformed him in work, achievements, health, and friends, I had always felt vulnerable in the area of motherhood because I had such a poor relationship with my own mother. My ex was constantly putting me down and making fun of me with the children, which I eventually realized is an extremely damaging abuse tactic called parental alienation. He was trying to create an us against them dynamic in the family. He would buy the children a lot of gifts and provide almost no supervision, but then get very angry when they acted out.
After six months of marriage counseling, and after my ex decided not to go because I had “poisoned” the counselor against him, I left. It was the hardest decision I ever made. And it has been and continues to be extremely difficult to share parenting with him as he lies to lawyers about me. (But, as a godsend, he has been in therapy for over 7 years due to his “anger” issues, (which he says are totally better though I never saw any change) and I now know that his therapist knows what’s up and has been helpful in curbing the worst of some of his behaviors).
It has now been a little over a year since I left. I have had many short-term relationships, some painful, some fun. I am dating under the mantra of DON’T CHASE. If someone does not appear fully into me, I won’t chase. I am definitely a chaser and have had a few challenges with that (still a little hung up with the first person I was with after leaving, who went back to what I believe is his narcissistic ex – but after a few poor decisions of checking up on him, I have finally let that go.)
And here is where I am now. About six months ago now, at a festival, I was wandering about and saw a man my age that I felt an instant energy connection – attraction. I gave him my phone number (first time I have ever done that) and he called a few days later. We went out for dinner on what would have been my twenty-year anniversary. I had just learned from old friends who felt like it was finally safe to tell me, 6 months after leaving, that my ex had been cheating on me for years. So, looking back, I was in a rash and angry place, and so celebrated by sleeping with this man on the first date. And we started hanging out together.
On Christmas Day, I realized this guy was absolutely a narcissist. He started distancing, projecting, and triangulating. I saw it and left. I told him I needed space.
On Valentine’s Day, after very kindly giving me space, he asked if we could meet for closure. I agreed, intending to give him closure, like I had done for several other people I had dated and left after realizing I did not want to be with them. And he looked so sweet, and contrite, and apologized for all the right things in the right way. And I still had a pretty intense attraction. And I went back.
And now its Easter. And I have all the information I need. I realize that I am choosing the narcissists. I am feeling energy off of people, and I realize that their energy reminds me of my mother, my most primal relationship, and it is a primal attraction. There is an absence in their soul, filled with pain and hurt, that I can feel in them. And I want to soothe it for them, as I did for my mother from the age of 2 to probably around 12 when I rebelled. And as I realize I did for my ex for the first 10 or so years we were together, until I was utterly spent.
And one difference this time, is that I am totally aware. I know I should leave. And I am telling myself I deserve a relationship where energy goes in both directions, not me sending my energy into a void. But I realize now, that I seek and am attracted to these voids. I am, in a way, comfortable with being invisible in a relationship.
And another difference is, the power differential goes in the opposite direction. (It actually always did, I just refused to see it.) I am self-sufficient with a wide group of friends and colleagues and have achieved professional success in several arenas. This person is lucky to have me and I feel I can leave whenever because there is nothing holding me to this relationship. But for now I am enjoying having attraction and enjoying spending time with someone with similar interests. I see the crazy narcissistic behaviors, and for the first time, instead of desperately seeking approval, I see how others must find the constant need to demonstrate superiority extremely irritating. And, as I look in myself, I see I find it soothing.
I also see that narcissists in their need to impress and feel superior, are also quite open to being manipulated – and I am feeling less wrong to use that to protect myself and erect boundaries – around my personal space and time, and around what I will say or do.
And finally, I see something that I never saw before. That I am excellent narcissistic supply. I was raised to be so by a narcissistic mother. I constantly praise and reassure others. And my hard won successes reflect well on those in my company.
So I guess my biggest realization is that, while narcissists may be attracted to me because I am excellent supply and had inappropriate boundaries, I am most definitely primally attracted to narcissists and that gaping hole inside them. For now, I am going to see where an aware relationship goes. If it gets painful once this time of idealization has run its course, as I expect it will, I will move on. But in the meantime, I am experimenting with watching my feelings, being honest about my feelings with myself and with this person, and erecting boundaries of protection around my soul.
Wow, incredible story, PJB. Your writing is riveting. I feel impressed and proud, reading about your journey of self-realization. My story is bizarrely similar. Even down to the work relationship with the younger guy. I had just watched an interesting video this morning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSX-2lsU8cY and actually, it was the search for that video that led me to this website. I’m looking forward to exploring this amazing website as well. But in the meantime, check out the above video. It’s entertaining, and it was just the message I was in the mood to hear today. It may resonate with you as well? It helps you chuckle at the narcissists in our lives, and observe them from a less emotional perspective, as you seem to be doing at this point in your life. I wish you the best. I wish you to find a normal, stable, non-narcissist person to partner with! It may be more boring, but it will be a whole different kind of rewarding. It will be peaceful.
The last 13 years I’ve been with the same woman. It was great in the beginning. Seemed like nothing could stop us. We had kids and everything was peachy. Then things changed. She started isolating me from family and friends. Then the threats started coming. She started using the kids against me, with lines like “I’ll take my kids and leave” everytime we had a disagreement, and I would give in because it was easier then arguing. I always tried to help her, wanted her to address the problem but everytime I asked her to seek help, I was the problem. She was the victim. Then we separated and the “please can we make this work, I’ll change I promise “ started. But that’s as far as it ever went. And still to this day I try to help her. Is there any hope at all?
I am no specialist so take my thoughs with a grain of salt. I’ve been reading a lot and what everybody says/writes is that you cannot help them. They must realize this by themselves, accept it and then ask for help or start working on themselves. A genuine self reflection.
Thank you for posting this!! I was dating someone who for months seemed the loving and doting boyfriend. But as soon as he had me hooked the mask came off and the cold, ridiculing, insensitive self came out. He broke up with me because he didn’t like me addressing behaviors I didn’t approve of. I was stunned and grasped to understand how he went from loving me to discarding me with little to no warning nor reasoning. I read the classic narcissistic signs and fits him to a tee. He did me a huge favor. It now makes sense!
I’m positive that one of my co-workers, with whom I had a brief romantic fling, and who, up until very recently, I considered a friend, falls into the category of a Vulnerable Amorous Narcissist. His ticks nearly all the criterion on the list. It got to such an extreme point where our work environment was so toxic and hostile, that I had to go to our supervisor and request that we no longer work together directly. I’ve forgive him time and time again for the horrible way he speaks to, takes advantage of, and gaslights me, but I’ve finally wisened up that the only way to protect myself is to sever ties completely. There is no scenario in which we can ever have a healthy and functional working or interpersonal relationship.
I’ve generally found that a quickish way to figure out if someone may be a narcissist is to identify if you have that “walking on eggshells feeling” around them you shouldnt have to watch what you say if you’re a kind hearted person speaking to another person who is capable of empathy. Another quick thing is just to try to set a boundary. if the other person gets angry with you instead of trying to find a happy middle/accept the boundary, then they likely have low/no empathy. I find it best to just remove all contact with these people, we are too understanding and will get suckered back in with even small amounts of contact.
I have a parent who I believe to be a narcissist. It’s like he only needs me when best suited for him & only talks to me when best suited for him as well. He has constantly thrown me under the bus to multiple family members & outsiders. He was never there throughout my life bc he was caught up in criminal activities & always locked up. I find trying to mend a relationship with him exhausting & honestly I want nothing to do with him. Really I just want some advice & wanted to share my situation in short.
I never noticed for 3.5 years that I was being lied to, mindfucked, and cheated on, while raising her kid and our baby. Mainly cuz I was a naive Taurus that had no reason to not take anything she said at face value. I would get a bad feeling sometimes and I would ask if she was cheating on me, and be like you’d tell me if you were right? Like an idiot. And go back to thinking all was fine, but she accused me of oddly specific scenarios like I know you cheated on me with Sarah last Wednesday at 1142 PM in apt. 113! And I worked till 12 pm the whole 3 years lol. Constantly isolated from family and friends while told we never go anywhere then ridiculed every second when we left. I slept on my couch for the last 8 months we lived together while she already had a new boyfriend. She turned my own family against me won custody of my daughter who’s now a 4 yr old diabetic, and got me thrown in jail for stalking after she kidnapped my child from me. To the point of being homeless and jobless she found a.way to take everything. In just now able to manage my life again 1 year later. Even when my daughter was in critical condition her mom couldn’t stop the mindgame or be genuine at all just found little ways to fuck with me like making the nurses think I’m a deadbeat. So messed up and still seeking psychological help after this life grenade.
I know that you must grey rock them and love them from a distance me as a an empath I cannot help but love them so it must be this way they will always come back and try to keep you as a good source of supply. We are actually the best. They feed and we give. Leaving us exhausted and drained. You must go no contact for a while and heal or atleast that was my personal experience. Having been raised by a malignant narcissist. Me being the way I am saved me plenty of times and wouldn’t change it for nothing. But you must educate yourself to understand what your up against and understand rather than expect to be understood itll never happen especially for someone who’s truly narcissistic. Thank you for your time.
It took me more than a few gems (narcassists) for me to finally recognize quickly when I am not respecting exactly how I feel around someone. . Previously I knew every time but let it slide, played it cool, gave more time or chances. Therefore getting deeper in it and hurt more when it ended.
Now the first time I feel the uncomfortable feeling about something they say or do I wrapt it around my head. Ask myself am I okay with it, if not I bail, no explaining, no conversation. If I decide I did not like the way I felt when the narc did xyz I do not second guess my own feelings.