What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
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I have a long history with narcissistic types. At first I was drawn to unstable and dramatic types (borderline cases), and I kind of figured out the reason why this kept happening. Personally, I was an ultra-shy, emotional and sensitive girl from a safe but emotionally cold home. So, I have always been really stable but my attachment style was avoidant and I mostly suffocated my feelings, because expressing them (especially the negative ones) was practically forbidden. So, there was this attraction of opposites: stable/unstable, emotionally inhibited/overemotional. The other party was looking for stability from me and I was looking for an outlet for my feelings. For me, it worked, but I also realized that I didn´t want to go to the other extreme of the emotional spectrum, I wanted to find a balanced and mature way to express my feelings. However, my journey with these borderline cases was not over and I especially when I went through my spiritual awakening/metamorphosis and healing, I started to attract seriously disturbed and dangerous people. I didn´t feel attracted to them, they just found me and started their typical love-bombing followed by devaluation. Most of these people had some sob stories to tell… Read more »
Hello all, I had experienced the truly profound and debilitating callous and manipulation of a narcissist first in a long term relationship, and then as a sibling. I had an estranged sister who I had gotten involved with that I hadn’t known for many years. (She was ten years my senior). At the time I did not understand that I am an empath, and assumed everyone felt the same depth of emotion that I do. I often felt the need to heal those wounds in these narcissistic personalities, and as a result opened myself up to a world of hurt and pain. (although I did not even understand that drive until now.) I believe what helped me come to terms is a closer look at theology, and the ideals of spiritual warfare. The overlapping traits in a “Jezebel” spirit and narcissistic personality disorder were mind boggling to me. Six years after my sister tried to ruin my life, much of her webs of libel, defamation, and generally morally bankrupt dealings have come to the light even within the court system (which she used to terrorize me). Whether or not you are a believer, knowing that a higher power always delivers… Read more »
I learned on LonerWolf about twin flames and how our twin flames are opposite of ourselves. I’m an empath and my bf is a narcissist. We have a strong connection, but our relationship is toxic and draining. I care about my bf, but I don’t how to handle his narcissistic and gaslighting ways. I’m starting to think my twin flame connection is fading or becoming non-existent. Is there anyone going through this type of situation? How does one manage to be in a twin flame relationship when you’re an empath and your significant other is a narcissist? Please help. :\
This article is so helpful! I just learned that I was in a 2.5 yr relationship with a narcissist! I’m an empath and I too have been brought up in a family where my parents and sibling were selfish and self-centered. I’m always caring for others but never receiving care or love. I had dated narcissists before and I have been working to change my patterns. I thought my current boyfriend was a nicer person but I’m realizing he’s narcissistic and he fits the profile of the vulnerable type of narcissist. I didn’t know about the different types of narcissists out there but this article really helped me learn the different types. Now I realize I have some more work to do on trying to spot narcissists and finding people who are more loving and caring.
I’m currently in a relationship with a narcissist, it was on/off again for years but now we share a child so we’ve been sticking it out for 3 years solid . My best advice is to maintain as much independence as possible and to get comfortable with that. I have no expectations for our relationship other than keep our child under a roof with food and not too much toxicity. No relationship is perfect.
I was not aware of Narcissist and their habits until about 4 months ago. I had heard the word years ago but did nothing to find out what they were. A friend gave me some information to read, and since then I have been on the Internet listening and reading different individual’s insight. What I have discovered about myself is that I am an Empath, and was from the beginning of life on earth. My parents were drunks or alcoholics, and as a small child, I thought it was my duty to take care of them. I had things happen to me, and when I would try to tell my parents they shrugged it off as nothing but imagination. That made me hold on to anything happening to me as I could not handle not believing in me. As I grew older, I found I was vulnerable to those who wanted to hurt me, and I said nothing. Now it seems not only do I attract narcissists to me, but I have a problem being an Empath. Strange, but a couple of years ago, I started seeing things and rebelling. I like sex, and feel the need to involve myself… Read more »
This has been an amazing topic for me. I’ve been going through an experience for the past 7 months with an ex-boyfriend who is going through a divorce. We became friends again through email and at the time, I naturally was concerned, and was kind, caring, and tried to help any way I could. I’ve only recently started to discover that I would characterize myself as an empath. I LOVED this article. As my natural self, I devoted my heart, my emotions, love, and energy to him – and he recently just disappeared without a goodbye, without an explanation, nothing. This article helped me to understand I believe he really is a Vulnerable Narcissist or Amorous Narcissist. He is, what I believe, to be highly attractive (and I’ve asked others – they do to)…. but he’s also decorated military and a senior exec in his employment. I believe he has a significant need to feel special as he’s had this the majority of this life. His wife cheated on him, BUT I only have one side of the story. I, of course, felt sympathetic, just as he wanted me to, and gave him all the attention he wanted. (Let me… Read more »
I am an empath, and have fallen in love with a man who is a vulnerable narcissist. I had no idea about this condition until he discarded me because he thought that I was going to leave him for someone else, no matter what I said he wouldn’t believe it.
Two months later, I agreed to see him and his behaviour is worse towards me , no phone calls and only wants me when it suits him.
I am so hurt by his behaviour especially when I showed him love and he told me how he loved me spoiling him. I am on the verge of just cutting him out of my life without giving him another chance, or should I try again ?
I hate to admit it, but I believe that I am a VN married to an empath. I never understood why I wasn’t ‘socially accepted’ in many social situations. I grew up in a very abusive and neglectful family. I had no idea that my survival techniques would lead me to become what I have become. I am deeply ashamed! My empath partner deserves so much more. I don’t deserve her but, at the same time, crave her company. It’s hard to explain, but recently, she told me that she is done-emotionally with me. It make me nauseous to think about life without her. At the same time, I see the damage I’ve done to her emotionally and I want what’s best for her. It’s given me great motivation to change my thinking and to become more present of my thoughts and ego. I will transform because I truly love her, I just hope it’s not too late.
After discovering the man I was in love with was a Narcissist, and probably of the worst kind, I initially blocked any contact with him. Still, after a while, I felt cured. I felt I didn’t love him anymore and so I unblocked him, because I wanted to prove myself I still had control. Soon after unblocking him, he sent me a message. Since then, I have started a strange game, manipulating him as he did with me. I wonder if I am a true empath, like I have always thouoghts, or maybe I am a narcisissit as well… Thank you for your very interesting essays!