Conflict is not exactly something we enjoy …
UNLESS of course, you have a psychological addiction to creating drama. In which case you may want to seek therapeutic intervention.
No, in general, most of us seek a conflict-free life in which we are liked and accepted by those around us. Very few people like being disliked (unless you are some kind of anarchic masochist). Most people want to fit in, be validated, agreed with, and approved by others … which is all very normal.
But what happens when this desire to avoid conflict becomes pathological?
The answer is that we become people-pleasers; sacrificing our authenticity to fit into a cookie cutter mold that is given the tick of approval by others.
Not only that but when avoiding conflict becomes pathological we may even start to adopt a “good vibes only” approach to life.
Let’s face it: on the surface, this appears kind of cute and has a faux-spiritual-new-age ring to it. But adopting this “positive-attitudes-only” philosophy to life is actually one of the most emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually detrimental attitudes you can adopt.
Why?
Because when we are trapped in the cycle of seeking positive vibes and avoiding conflict, we are not actually growing as people. Not only that, but we can actually become what I call “negativity-phobic” meaning that we develop a phobia surrounding conflict that can result in some pretty extreme and ironically negative behavior.
Table of contents
The Bullsh*t of “Good Vibes Only”
I have met and seen my fair share of good-vibe-only people in my field of work. I also am the creator and admin of four Facebook groups, which at the time of writing, have a collective total of 300,000+ members.
One thing I have noticed that has popped up consistently, no matter the environment or context, is that people don’t like critical thought. Critical thought is generally perceived as something “negative” and unsavory. Questioning and pointing out flaws and logical fallacies is something generally frowned upon and is almost immediately shunned, along with the person, who is perceived as a “troll,” “trouble-maker,” “argumentative person,” or most unfortunate of all, an “unawakened person.”
Not only that, but most people in the “spiritual” and self-help communities tend to be highly reactive towards any form of emotional conflict – or at best, passive-aggressive and self-righteous. It’s as if the spiritual ego that people adopt adds an extra layer of difficulty in dealing with negativity. We develop these strong ideals and beliefs about life based on regurgitated spiritual rhetoric (such as “all is Love,” “Love and Light,” “Think happy thoughts”) that when someone comes along as shits over that, we’re shocked.
I think this shock is the result of fear and anger. Fear that we might be wrong. Fear that our spiritual beliefs are no longer pacifying or creating a comfort bubble around us. And anger because we instinctively want to defend ourselves – the ego doesn’t like to be challenged or disproved. The ego wants to feel spiritually righteous; it wants the laziness of “good vibes only” because there is no challenge and therefore no threat.
But wanting and desiring “good vibes only” means that we are in a constant state of resistance to reality. Trying to create a “good vibes only” life, while understandable (especially if you’ve struggled with a lot of sadness, loss, and self-hatred in the past), limits your growth on every single level.
Why is demonizing and avoiding conflict limiting to your growth? We’ll explore that next.
Why Conflict is a Powerful Teacher
I am not innocent nor am I immune to the struggles of the “spiritual ego.” As a person who was raised in a fundamentalist Christian environment, I was taught to defend my dogmas, resist others, while at the same time trying to avoid conflicts and convert others.
Fast-forward to meeting my partner and co-writer of this site, Sol. Or shall I say: Shiva, the destroyer of worlds. Entering a relationship with this man was an ego death, the most ego-destroying thing I have ever experienced – and I say that as a good thing. Getting into frequent conflicts in the early years of our relationship was the single most important thing that helped me to spiritually awaken.
Sure, it wasn’t pretty. I often felt a lot of self-pity, resentment, and anger surrounding my beliefs being systematically challenged and destroyed (hello Mr. INTJ). But it was keeping an open heart to this conflict and choosing to learn from it that transformed my life forever.
Without having someone call bullshit on all the ways that I lied to myself, I would never be where I am today. Without having someone point out to me where I was mistaken/wrong, it would have taken me years to develop the self-insight I now possess.
So here is why conflict is such a powerful teacher:
- Conflict helps you to actively develop more patience and forbearance around others.
- Conflict helps you to “see beyond the veil” of another’s actions and develop deeper insight and compassion for them.
- Conflict reveals your own areas of vulnerability and insecurity.
- Conflict shines a light on your shadow tendencies.
- Conflict can point out where you’re genuinely going wrong.
- Conflict is a no-bullshit teacher that reveals how you can grow more.
- Conflict is a way to test your emotional and spiritual maturity.
Having someone say “no, you’re wrong, and here’s why” or “that is totally ridiculous” is an immensely valuable gift. Even if the person is NOT coming from a conscious or caring place, it is a gift to experience conflict for others, for it reveals the truth about ourselves.
The way in which we react to others speaks volumes about our capacity to practice kindness and understanding.
The way in which we react to others is a reflection of our own level of maturity or immaturity.
The way in which we react to others is a mirror of our own pain, insecurities, and fears.
There is a big difference between responding and reacting. Responding comes from a centered place of awareness and understanding. Reacting comes from unawareness and ignorance.
Do you feel mentally or emotionally threatened by another person who is “calling bullshit” on you or challenging you? Do you feel insulted by another person? GOOD. Find the lesson. Uncover the spiritual teaching. This person is your tough-love-boot-camp in the flesh.
Instead of reacting mindlessly to them, stop and be present. Be curious. Why is this person treating you in such a disrespectful way? Why does your ego feel so hurt? Do you secretly believe that the person might be right? Why is this a bad thing? What is the real cause of the other person’s aggression? What is behind their anger?
Ask questions and be open to accepting the truth. Ultimately your decision to learn from conflict comes from a choice: do you choose to use spirituality as a pacifier that bolsters your ego and makes you feel comfortable? Or do you choose to use spirituality as a way to pursue truth and authentic inner growth, which can be uncomfortable at times?
9 Signs You’re Negativity-Phobic
Ideally, all spiritual practices would help us respond with maturity, compassion, and understanding towards negativity. But that is not always the case.
Are you negativity-phobic? Read the following signs for some clarity:
- You avoid people or situations that create uncomfortable feelings in you at all costs
- You are attracted towards the lighter and more ‘higher-conscious’ aspect of spirituality, but feel repelled (and maybe also irresistibly drawn to) the shadow side or Underworld path of spirituality
- You can’t handle criticism well (even if it is a well-meaning critique) and feel upset
- You feel unusually defensive or on-guard around others
- You’re highly sensitive to people’s thoughts and opinions about you
- You intentionally try to block out all forms of negativity from your life
- You refuse to acknowledge your shadows
- You tend to be an idealist
- You feel intense and overwhelming emotions such as anger, fear, hatred, or disgust when you’re confronted with a negative person
How many of these signs can you relate to? Be honest. If you’re serious about consciously evolving, it’s important to face reality.
How to Embrace Conflict
Embracing conflict doesn’t mean enjoying it or seeking it out. Instead, embracing conflict is about adopting a mindful attitude that values the experience as something useful to learn and grow from.
From a hell-of-a-lot of experience with conflict, here is what I’ve learned:
1. Stop and take a deep breath. Catch yourself before you react. Walk away if you must. Take a few moments to gather yourself, and then respond.
2. Ask yourself, “What is this person or situation secretly teaching me?” Sure, the person might be acting like an asshole, but what message is being embodied through their actions?
3. Be curious and adopt an attitude of interested awareness when you feel triggered. Look at the emotions surging through your body. Examine the thoughts in your mind. Take note of how you’re feeling. To do this, you need to practice mindfulness.
4. Ask yourself, “What is actually hidden behind this person’s anger?” Stop taking emotions and apparent motives at face value. Try to think of all the possible reasons why the person is acting out or trying to hurt you. For example, maybe they have severely low self-worth. Maybe they are lonely and want attention (whether good or bad). Maybe they just went through a breakup. Maybe one of their loved ones just died. Maybe they’re experiencing a stressful day. Maybe they feel angry and sad about life. Be open to alternative explanations.
5. If you get emotionally triggered, reflect on the experience. What was it about the person that infuriated you so much? Instead of blaming them for how you feel, try to find the opportunity for growth that is being presented to you.
Shadow Work Journal:
Go on a journey through the deepest and darkest corners of your psyche. Embrace your inner demons, uncover your hidden gifts, and reach the next level of your spiritual growth. This is deep and powerful work!
6. Understand that all unkind, cruel, vicious and abusive behavior has its root in pain. When I say pain, I mean emotional pain such as sadness, loneliness, emptiness, and fear. Once you can truly understand this for yourself, you will be able to keep your calm. Instead of running away from or avoiding conflict, you will face it and understand what is behind it with compassion or at least understanding.
***
Conflict is one of those hard-ass, no-nonsense, and in-your-face teachers of existence that shines a light on your capacity to handle and understand human aggression. Your ability to sit with it without reacting to it is a sign of spiritually evolved maturity. Perhaps even more courageous is to use conflict as a lesson; a way to meet your own shadows and flaws with absolute honesty.
I hope this article has inspired you to stop avoiding conflict and instead perceive it differently.
I welcome you to share your perspectives and experiences with this difficult topic below!
very usefull article. thank you very much for everything
I think this is an interesting topic, it frightens me a bit. So many variables come in to play, regarding personal feelings and goals for each person, or situation, where conflict arises. I spent quite a few years working in psychiatry/mental health; inpatient, emergency department, outpatient. I learned some aspects of conflict identification and resolution there, because that was my job.
Problems arose after leaving psychiatry. I had to look at the man behind the mask. It was ugly, not about being a bad person, it was more akin to finding out that I was in a way fraudulent. I could not look at the rage, or insecurity that was woven through me. To identify them and think about them elicited such an unbearable despair. Yet I could watch,and be involved in conflict, without a moments thought or preparation. However, when I recognized the self in hiding, including the impact it had on those around me, I recognized how disgusted I was with myself, ashamed really.
It was arduous to begin to identify my own self abuse. I knew though I could never be truely compassionate in life, all of life, until I could adapt, and live in what I felt was a more authentic reality.
I suppose if I were going to make a point, it would be: I had to avoid conflict at times because I would feel the rage in me, where ever it sat, and I knew it wanted out. I feared it. At the same time, I am very sensitive to other people, and for some, who are devastated at the least amount of criticism, positively stated, I shied away. I felt guilt for their shame.
For me, this is where the heart of it all lies. Being truely compassionate, I am speaking only for myself, has been the most grueling thing I have ever done. I have been involved in my looking at myself, honestly, for five years. I know that it is important, because I am fighting for my life, or to be less dramatic, a real life. Each year spent in it, brings a more beautiful being out of me. Life without filters shows wonders, and magic such as I never would have believed. There is always more work, compassion is a tough business. I though your article was thought provoking at a deep level, and nicely done.
Hi Renee I never knew this approach to good vibes only. This article and your positive approach has got me thinking about things in many different ways. I get irritated when people don’t want to be criticized or helped on any level and on the other hand, I get irritated when people are so fixated on being hyper judgmental and confrontational. I think that the whole point of conflict should be to resolve the conflict, make compromises, learn new things, and be able to live and work together. But sometimes people get the pleasure out of debating constantly or from the other end, they want to have the approach of life and let live. I’m now learning that as a person who tries to become balanced and neutral, different people have different views and roles in life. I see myself as having a mediator role but I can’t expect everyone to want to attain neutrality. I must accept that some things just are and some things I should try to change. I want to explore the concept of things just being rather than things being right or wrong but in order to do that, I have to realize that some people’s ways of being are centered on right versus wrong. I see constant signs of duality and I feel that the being of my self wants to further explore duality and its complimentary and contradictory traits. Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts Renee. And I thank everyone for being part of the comments because this experience is helping me through my spiritual journey.
What would you do in a situation where you know the other person is a Narcissist and she is ruining the entire enviornment at work place, its just similar situation like how one rotten tomato rots all the tomatoes around them, in this situation you can not run or hide, cause all are rotten with her rotten mind and now you choose to stay calm, cause you first analyze yourself and then look at outer world, that is what i have learned from vipassana mediation, now after all that emotional abusing, namecalling, verbal bullying i have reached at a level where i simply dont react!!!
Cause if i react i know all the further consequences,, as few of these rotten heads are not mature enough to even understand the other sides story and totally believe in one narcissistic side..
I cannot run nor hide, i ignore and simetimes i leave the place as i cannot grasp the negative vibes..
I am an Empath..
Your above post helped me a lot but still for this siuation..
What do u suggest..
Pls help!
Hi, I agree that the good vibes only mentality can be harmful but I also think that sitting in and accepting every conflict for the sake of learning is harmful too. Sometimes it is better for a person to avoid conflict to prevent unnecessary damage to themselves. Sure pain and suffering can make you stronger but at the same time, it can set you back and impede you from your journey if it is an unnecessary conflict. While I realize that my belief that everything should be purpose-driven is not a universal belief, I feel that aspiring for balance in all things is healthy and helpful for the spiritual journey. Another thing that I feel is important to point out is that sometimes people are not receiving of criticisms and while that can be harmful, sometimes it’s better not to judge them and allow them to figure out things for themselves. If you genuinely care about them, sometimes you need to be patient enough to let go of the no bs, tough love, in your face approach to instead give a compassionate and gentle advice. I have found that this is true with my mother, my spouse, and myself. It’s not that we can’t take criticism or only want to hear pleasant things about ourselves. We just want to feel completely loved and accepted by the people that matter to us. We aren’t the type of people who say good vibes only and don’t want others to challenge or have conflicts with us, however, we don’t want to be antagonized and mistreated because we have flaws or things about ourselves that bother other people. We want to be loved unconditionally for who we are and allowed room to grow and improve while we hear negative feedback. So I say all this to make the point that while everything is not all rainbows and sunshine, not everything has to be pain and suffering either. Aspire for balance. If you care about someone and want them in your life, be patient and compassionate with them. Accept them for who they are while challenging them to be better. Don’t withhold care or be abusive towards them until they be better or act they way that you think they should. That will cause unnecessarily destructive conflicts and push people away.
I’ve been there with critical thought not being well-received. On a Facebook group discussing one “channelled” writing I pointed out a clear error of fact – the channelled text clearly assumed the Myth of the Flat Earth (that people in Medieval Europe believed the earth was flat until Columbus’ voyages) – and therefore the channelled text had a verifiable error.
This did not go down well, and I was patronizingly told to open my heart. One thing I do admire about Marianne Williamson, although I don’t agree with all her political views, is she doesn’t try and do this avoidance of conflict at any cost thing. As she says, sometimes love needs us to say “no”.
Thank goodness someone else sees this. People look at me like I’m nuts, but I prefer authenticity over what I call “toxic positivity”. It’s great to be positive when you can about what you can. And gratitude goes a loooong way towards achieving that. But I’m tired of the “ghost of you’re uncomfortable or someone gets mad at you” philosophy which seems to generally be the actual thing hiding behind “good vibes only”. Relationships require open communication and hard work, which means being uncomfortable sometimes. Let us all attempt to be more brave and address things directly!
To be honest, I personally have more trouble accepting the love and light side of spirituality than the other way around. I was the type of kid who didn’t believe in Santa growing up, natural cynic I was, but I just wanted to share my own frustration.
The overly love and light attitude doesn’t just anger me, it really. . . just worries me. People say ignorance is bliss, but that’s only in the short term. Knowing the truth is not just an intellectual necessity in a decision, it’s also something that could prevent danger. By lying, you take away people’s ability to make their own decision about the issue, so I tell the truth, whatever, because I fundamentally understand what that feels like.
It’s just “overly love and light” people don’t think of the negative consequences of what they’re doing as much. They don’t think long term, I mean, while I personally have trouble being present. Honestly, there are always conflicting philosophies when it comes to time, but I believe there’s a balance. Learn from the past, enjoy the present and prepare for the future. The problem for about every spiritual obstacle is that someone only focuses on two of these, or worse, only one.
People who only want to learn from the past become staunch traditionalists who maintain the status quo. People who only enjoy the present become hedonists prey to all kinds of addictions. People who only prepare for the future end up becoming worriers who can never seem to relax.
Sigh, if only it was just taught more often to appreciate all those perspectives if you ask me.
I want to thank you, Aletheia Luna, once again for an informative article, written with heart, mind & soul with ego that is in check. It is rare, first of all, to read something that is useful in my daily life, and secondly, it is written in a way that does not talk down or preach. So many articles on this type of subject matter come off as “author knows best”, even from those authors who seem to have the best of intentions. I don’t know how you do it, but your articles always inform and provoke deep reflection; and as argumentative as I am getting as I grow older, I haven’t felt anything but admiration when I read your work, as well as the desire for introspection on the topic.
I particularly like what you said about a loving, healthy & soul mate relationship bring on the welcome death of the ego, including the healthy arguing/fighting that ensues in the beginning of such a relationship. My husband and I often laugh about this phase of our union. Sometimes other people found us a bit scary…but we instinctively felt in our souls that we were right where we needed to be–individually and as a couple. I haven’t read much about that phase of a great relationship, though I’ve known several people who have had the experience.
Please keep your loving and lovely articles coming!
Blessings…
This was a very interesting article, and I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I am learning to embrace conflict. I never enjoy it, but some of the greatest lessons I have learned about myself have been due to conflict, either with another person, myself, or circumstances. I have become mindful enough that, most of the time, I am able to respond instead of react. I am so grateful for this! My sense of calm wellbeing doesn’t depend on how others behave anymore. It depends on my own sense of comfort and ease within myself. I feel like the “Good Vibes Only” mentality only leads to dishonesty, where people are only saying and doing what they believe others want them to. I am into Truth nowadays, and if confronting the Truth means a conflict of some sort, so be it! I am so much happier now that I am not living my life according to how I think I need to be perceived.
I just joined your community here this week, and I am loving it! I literally feel like I’ve “found my tribe” here, and I look forward to learning and sharing more. Thank you for everything!
I have been trying self improvement for over 20 years now with not many positive results. I have been to this site before,but have been overwhelmed by the things that I must do. I keep coming back to this site because I see all over the place in one way or another that I do need to be mindful and aware in order to stop being so angry and negative. I need to learn from my CONSTANT conflict with my wife and kids and maybe things can get better.
In response to this excerpt, I just think that people who are into spirituality and self-help are generally very sensitive souls. It is this sensitivity that enables one to believe in the very essence of spirituality itself, to begin with. However a sensitive is also very reactive since they feel a lot more compared to most, sensitives get triggered easily and are easily offended. A sensitive who is untrained in dealing with this negativity and emotional discomfort will most probably have a negative reaction towards emotional conflict, and it is up to them really whether they want to work on it and improve themselves in being more “responsive” rather than “reactive”..It’s no easy feat though. It’s very uncomfortable for a sensitive, which is why many seek this “good vibes only” shiz…only cause it’s easier.
But I agree. The good vibes only thing is flawed. Humans are humans, erroneous and wayward in nature, hence emotional conflict is 100% inevitable..it’s all about having a good grip on conflict resolution and learning to get along.
Hi Anthea. Thank you for these thoughts and reflections.
I think you’re right in saying that sensitive people tend to choose the good-vibes-only approach as it’s the easiest path for them due to their sensitivity. However, I also believe that sensitive people are just as capable of adopting the self-righteous spiritual ego as other ‘normals.’ I don’t think it’s either-or, but both are potentials.
-Luna
Francisco, I think what Aletheia means about embracing conflict is not to avoid it but live it. The more we do this, then the more self-awareness and compassion will ensue. Not just towards others in many cases, but as importantly to ourselves. I have lived a lifetime of very deep sadness and toxic shame but am absolutely not afraid of conflict when it arises. I embrace it. Many years ago, I could not have imagined getting to this point. Every good wish. Paul Z.
When I first heard “Good Vibes Only”, I felt annoyed and angry. Then I kind of shifted into liking it. As I understand it, everything in your article is “Good Vibes Only”. It’s not about avoiding conflict, it’s about cultivating mindfulness and using challenges to grow.
That’s an interesting approach Renee. :) This comment shows that ultimately good-vibes-only is a label that *we* define – so we’ve got to take responsibility and ensure that definition is healthy and not destructive. Thanks for commenting. ;)
What an excellent article. I’ve recently been exploring the path of ‘Be Curious, Not Judgmental’ and this article kind of reaffirms this. My previous partner and I had a heap of conflict during our relationship and I always tried to understand what my part in it was but felt that they did not look to themselves and instead pushed away from conflict, it would appear that that may have been the case. Thank you. This has massively helped me on my current path of exploration.
I’m so glad, Wulf. :D