Your heart sinks as you read the text, “I’m not in a great place right now. I need you. Please help.”
It’s been over a year now. You’ve cut off all ties and contact with your ex, and you’ve finally gained some semblance of mental health. But this … this random text throws you completely off. As you quickly type the message with shaking fingers “What do you need help with?” and click send, your stomach drops. There is a dark feeling in the pit of your chest. It’s the ominous and foreboding feeling you sometimes get before thunderstorms and tragic news. Deep down, you know that you’ve made the wrong choice.
You’ve just been hoovered.
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If you can relate to what I’ve just written, you’re likely experiencing a dangerously abusive manipulation technique known as hoovering. Hoovering is a technique that drags you into cycles of abuse, disrupting your entire life and those around you. In this article, you’ll learn how to prevent this abusive manipulation from fooling you.
Table of contents
What is Hoovering?
Hoovering is an abuse tactic frequently used by people who struggle with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic personality disorders. Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering is basically a way of “sucking” a person back into an abusive relationship. Hoovering is typically done after a long period of no contact between the victim and the abuser. In an attempt to regain control over their victims, hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim’s soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities. If they are successful, the hoovering abuser will use their victim until they are bored of them and discard of them once again.
3 Toxic Examples of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at what hoovering looks and feels like:
Scenario 1: Amanda broke up with Steven six months ago and has severed all contact. But one day, out of the blue, she receives a contact request on Facebook from Steven apologizing for all of his abusive behavior and that he wants to be given a second chance because he’s still “in love” with her. Amanda’s heart beats quickly as she writes a response, truly believing that Steven has “changed.”
Scenario 2: Ben managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship with his partner Robert almost two years ago. When he arrive home, he finds a lavish array of flowers on his doorstep with a note that says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and a phone number from Robert. Ben starts remembering how much affection Robert used to show him at the start of their relationship. Feeling lonely, Ben convinces himself that Robert must have matured past his paranoid and hateful behavior, and gives him a call.
Scenario 3: Ingrid has just left Scott out of a desperate attempt to regain control of her life. After managing to find solace for a few days from his gaslighting, infidelity, and outbursts of rage, he begins appearing on her doorstep. “You’re the only one I ever loved Ingrid,” Scott whines, “I want to marry you, I only ever wanted to be with you. You’re the love of my life, my soulmate.” After experiencing this behavior for a couple of weeks, Ingrid finally snaps, and rips open the door, “Get out of my fucking life!” she screams and starts to cry. Scott pulls her into a hug and she sobs on his shoulder.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
What’s the point of hoovering? To regain a sense of control over you. Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image.
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Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again.
Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you.
The truth is that narcissists couldn’t care less about you, and their attempts to win your trust are all fabrications that are part of their sick game. Because of their severe soul loss and inability to show any form of empathy, a narcissist will say any lie and go to any extent to get you back under their control.
8 Creepy Forms of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at some of the creepiest and most common forms of hoovering below. Please note that many of these signs are common among relationships that have just ended. So if you’re still being pursued by your ex, this might not necessarily mean that you’re being hoovered or that they have dark intentions. Hoovering is a pathological and manipulative form of behavior that is intended to suck you back into another cycle of abuse. When reading these signs, please be honest about your relationship and ex-partner.
1. Pretending that your relationship isn’t over
They will ignore your requests to cut off contact, continue sending you the same messages, will show up at your house, job, etc. They’ll continue harassing you as if nothing has changed at all.
2. Sending unsolicited gifts
In an attempt to get you back, they will send you lavish and unexpected gifts such as flowers, cards, tickets to movies and concerts, cakes, you name it.
3. “Apologizing” for their behavior
To try and engage you, the narcissist will appear to “own up” to their mistakes and will feign humility and remorse in an attempt to pull at your heartstrings. Their messages or words will sound very convincing, so be careful.
4. Indirect manipulation
If they can’t get through to you directly, they will go a different route: your friends, children or other family members. For example, they might try to send you messages through your friends or say something slanderous about you to your family which you’ll then feel the need to correct. When you’ve been hooked, you’ll be lured into confronting them about their lies.
The narcissist may even try to use your children against you. For instance, if your ex has custody of your children, he/she might put the child on the phone asking you to come back home or get them to write letters to you. This is a powerful and highly manipulative hoovering technique.
5. Declaring love
Declaring undying love is perhaps the most common hoovering technique out there. Because love is such a powerful emotion, narcissists will not hesitate to use it to lure you back into their clutches. They will say things such as, “You’re my soulmate,” “We were made for each other,” “You’re the only person I’ve ever loved,” to tempt you into contact again. Do NOT fall for these tricks.
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6. Sending random messages to you and “ghost” phone calls
If you’re being hoovered, you’ll likely receive random messages from the narcissist asking for and commenting on different things. Expect text messages such as “Please wish (so-and-so) a happy anniversary from me,” “Did you take my (personal item)?” “Are you going to (so-and-so’s) dinner tonight?” “I’m standing in the place we first met. Thinking of you,” and so forth.
The narcissist may even send you “accidental” messages with the intention of putting a knife in your heart such as, “I love you honey, I’ll be home at 6” to their new partner with the intention of inciting a response from you.
Another creepy tactic is receiving ghost phone calls. For example, you might receive frequent phone calls from private numbers and receive long silences or soft breathing on the other end. This tactic is used to freak you out and get you to engage.
7. Faking vulnerability and the need for “help”
The narcissist will go to any extent to get your attention and sympathy. Faking the need for help is such a powerful hoovering technique because it preys on our natural tendency to show compassion to others. The narcissist might send you messages and leave you voice mails telling you that they’re sick, they need your help, they’re desperately in trouble and need you to call them back, or even that they’re going to kill themselves. I’ve heard of narcissists that have gone as far as faking serious illnesses like cancer and heart attacks, just to prey on others and reel them into abusive cycles again. (Note: if you think someone is going to kill themselves, please call your local police services.)
8. Baiting you with drama
If all other hoovering techniques fail, the narcissist will try baiting you with drama. They will send you melodramatic messages, create havoc in your social life through spreading rumors, use your children as an excuse to express rage and hissy fits, and put on scenes with the intention of provoking reactions from you.
How to Stop Being a Victim of Hoovering Narcissists
Firstly, it’s important to understand that hoovering is designed to trick you by playing on your emotional vulnerabilities. A narcissist knows very well how to manipulate you, and they will disguise their contact as an attempt to seek reconciliation, forgiveness, friendship, and even love.
Because hoovering is essentially about emotional survival for the narcissist, they will often go to extreme extents to get your engagement. They will lie, pretend, and coerce you in any way they can so that they can get what they’re truly craving: power, control, and validation. If you feel that you’re being stalked, don’t hesitate to contact the police. Narcissistic abuse is a very real issue.
Here are some of the best ways to end the cycle of narcissistic abuse:
- Change your phone number, email, and social media accounts (or block his/her number)
- Pay attention to the signs that you’re being hoovered and know these hoovering manipulation tactics inside out so that you can identify them when they occur
- Set a firm rule that you will NOT contact, acknowledge or respond to the narcissist in any way, shape or form
- Learn to love and take care of yourself (read this article on how to love yourself more for tips)
- Join a narcissist support group
- Develop mindfulness so that you can become aware of your emotional triggers
- Try google the ‘gray rock method‘ if you’ve been lured back into a relationship
I truly hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the narcissist’s hoovering mind games.
Eventually, the narcissist’s tactics WILL stop. The sooner you completely ignore every one of their attempts to lure you in, the sooner they will realize that they have no control over you anymore.
***
Are you experiencing hoovering? Do you know someone who is? What advice can you share that can help others? Please share below.
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This is an excellent article. I’m in the early stages of being hoovered. My ex has displayed all the attributes of a covert narc from start to finish of the 10 year relationship. So I think hoovering is a consequence of a toxic narcissistic relationship as opposed to a ” normal” ex who just can’t let go? BTW, I’m no expert, but by God, I’m Learning mighty fast what was preying on me. A human parasite, IMHO.
Folks, we are all just works in progress. Judging and labeling people is petty. Additionally, when there are children involved they must be considered. It takes a mature person to realize what’s happening, the work through it. Walking away is easy. Walking together takes courage. I have seen too many children’s lives ruined.
There is a difference between applying a healthy sense of discernment (which allows an individual to recognize, define, accept and embrace the truth of what is going on and what one is up against), and shaming/guilting someone for who they are (i.e. aka judgement = telling people they are either good/bad, wrong/right, good/evil for being a certain way & with no consideration for who a person is in their entirety; their upbringing, their cultural background, their experiences, their basic personality, etc., …).
When our ability to judge is expressed in a detrimental manner, we are really coming from a place of duality and black & white thinking, where we fail to see or take into account any nuances (i.e. different facets of an individual’s personality, or an idea or a concept).
There is an inability to feel ambivalent about people and things and conjoin the positive and the negative in everything we see or experience.
Applying a healthy sense of discernment (aka healthy judgment) and labeling is what we do for purposes of communication, clarification & exactitude.
It is a way of setting boundaries.
It is the very nature of exactitude that makes it possible for or us all to comprehend a concept, an idea or a phenomenon, a thing.
Defining something as it is, makes it possible for us all to understand what we are discussing and talking about.
Labeling is what we do define something clearly.
Example: a pencil is a pencil, a glass is a glass, a book is a book, a tree is a tree, a f****** narcissist is a narcissist. For crying out loud, get a grip and get real. A narcissist is not a tree. A narcissist is a narcissist.
There is such a thing as a narcissist, narcissistic behaviour, parasitic behaviour and latching onto others (for purposes of personal supply/gain due to not being a source to self).
A narcisstically disordered being is not a work in progress, they’re a ticking timebomb, ready to explode in your face if you let it happen. If anything they are the very example of arrested emotional development, stagnation and rigidity.
A narcissist is a human parasite – end of story. Why? Because they energetically latch onto you and suck you dry till there’s nothing left but a mere shell of who you once were, and then they move onto the next victim.
They take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take. Did I say “take”? Wait, let me repeat – they take.
And they do this in a boundless and lawless manner. They believe themselves to be omnipotent beings above the law.
There is such a thing as physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse and even material/financial abuse.
And what you are doing is sticking your head in the sand. This comment is a fine example of spiritual bypassing. “Everything should be love and light and accepted. Abuse should be accepted. It should not be defined. It should not be pointed out. It should not be labeled.”
“We should just let it happen and accept it.”
There is a f****** ugly & raw side to life. There are despicable things that happen in this world, and denying that is like denying reality and deluding ourselves.
People steal, lie, cheat, manipulate, control, etc., …
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse I feel the need to speak up on this matter, because spiritual bypassing is life-threatening and can get a person killed.
Trying to work things out with a narcissistic being is like signing a death wish, for the simple reason that a narcissistic being is not interested in self-reflection, progression, resolution, peace or taking responsibility for themselves and their life.
These destructive beings thrive on discord & drama. They need it to feel alive/significant/worthy/powerful, because inside they’re dead.
We aren’t talking about typical marital issues here (where there is a difference of opinion/perspective on a specific issue). We are talking about abuse and energetic vampirism.
It is not okay to stalk. It is not okay to harass. It is not okay to intimidate. It is not okay to violate another individual’s personal boundaries, it is not okay to apply subversive tactics to get what you want.
True teamwork takes two people who are intimate to take responsibility for themselves and their life, health & well-being.
It’s a two-way street. Commitment is not the same thing as unhealthy attachment to people who are no good for us.
Healthy relationships are not unconditional. Setting standards (and enforcing boundaries) is essential.
Wow! Insightful, intuitive, fair and quite succinct explanation of what it’s like with a narcissist. Thank you for commenting back to the person above with you wisdom and knowledge!
I was married to a narcissist for 16 years. The discard was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I forgot who I was. The confusion of being discarded and then finding out the one you gave your heart to ran a smear campaign on you while you sat at home waiting for them to come home. It’s so difficult for the brain to accept this disorder as a reality. I got lucky and saved myself from even more years of horrible garbage, that I didn’t even realize was happening to me. I was so in love with my wife. I began to accept her lying, cheating,lying more lying. I wouldn’t believe it. I was so bewildered by what I witnessed and heard from other people I thought. Surely not my wife. I spent 17 years all together with her. The covert is by far the master. The longer your with one the hardest it is to believe. I was trying to figure out what was going on with the “love of my life.” I decided that it was a midlife crises. I decided to see what a midlife crises was and how long they generally last. I was going to wait until it was over and then we would get back to our old but new selves. I have 2 children with her and I wasn’t going to be a quitter and have my children be a product of a divorce. So after deciding it was a midlife crises, I decided to research what a midlife crisis entailed. Now this is where my luck started and my life was turned completely upside down. It was luck and it was good luck. Saying that sounds crazy because that Good luck took me to the darkest place ever and the darkest place in my life. Sounds crazy, huh. I searched on the web about midlife crisis. One title out of God knows how many about midlife crisis stood out. It was titled (Midlife crises or narcissism). I thought to myself what the hell is this. A narcissist to me was an arrogant personality, full of themselves with a better than thought mentality. I opened the web page and started reading. Then I read it again and again. I was blessed to find it. Once I read it. I don’t even remember if it was an article or a thread or what, I can’t remember. Previously I had read on other sites about a midlife crisis but when I read the article midlife or narcissism. She kinda fit more into the narc personality than a midlife. I decided to do more investigating on narcissism. The more I read the more I had to read. I had already been ghosted and hoovered. The silent treatment was the worst party of my life. Then the hope began when she needed supply. I didn’t know all this was happening to me. I was completely unaware what was happening to me. I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was. I was totally in the cycle and being just beat down over and over and over and didn’t have a clue. I read the five stages of grief to try and figure out when I would be normal again or at least have an understanding where I was and at what stage I was in. Still being just getting my assistance kicked. There was no acceptance. The cycle I was in wouldn’t allow acceptance that my marriage was over. The hoovering and hope played out again and again. She ghosted for a long period of time. I would say four months. In that time I read and studied narcissism. She had ghosted me too long. That was her biggest mistake. I had been such an easy victim I guess she figured she could just come back any time. In that period I figured out from all the research and reflection of our years of marriage. That she was a covert narc. I was totally screwedbup now. No way I thought. I have been with her 17 years married for 16. She knew me inside and out. I gave her everything she needed all them years to own me. After all the research I did she needed supply from me again. This time I went along with it. All of it. I had to prove to myself she was really a narc. I had sex with her, I give her money, I fixed her car. I played the victim rather than being the victim. I would go back to my place and journal everything happening. I had to read my journal from the day before everyday. They are that good. I knew she was a narc and hope would screw me up. I knew I was playing a role but she was so ingrained in my brain. I would literally forget that I was playing a role. I would go back to my love for her and forget. Reading the previous days journaling was the only thing that would prepare me for that day. It saved my life. I was brainwashed. When a period of time had gone by I was convinced she was a narc. A covert, a chameleon, there are other terms for it. I prefer chameleon. After figuring it out I was so mad. We all have the ability to manipulate people. If we think about it long enough and plan it. We are all capable of doing it. We don’t because we have empathy. We don’t because in our souls we know it’s wrong. We don’t because we understand how it would feel to the other person. We feel dirty thinking about it. Let alone doing it. God have me the ability to do damn near anything I want. He trusted me with this gift because he knew in my heart I wouldn’t use the dark side of the knowledge he gave me. I could but I can’t. I won’t gods gifts are not to be played with. I have searched for wisdom throughout my entire life and God has protected me in all my journeys to acquire it. This was the final piece of the journey in which I set out to find years ago. I have been all over as a younger man. I been around people who did horrendous things. I was in prison in my twenties. It wasn’t a day camp either. It was a big boy prison. I met so many people in there and so many different personalities and studied them. I prayed for wisdom. I wanted it more than anything. I went places most people wouldn’t dare tread. I had no fear of where I went because I knew God was with me. I met so many people. I enjoyed all of them. The murderers, the rapist, the thiefs. I lived with every color of people. One of my favorite experiences was living in a basement underneath an apartment building with six undocumented mexicans. I couldn’t understand a damn thing they said. We had the only communication we needed. Beer, food, and laughter. I lived with them for a month it was in Chicago. I loved them guys. They were so awesome. I went and stayed in a homeless shelter for 2 weeks. We had to leave every morning at 5:30 but we could come back in the evening. I stayed in my car in east St. Louis Illinois. I lived in Seattle for awhile. I learned the trade of being a pump in Virginia Beach. I never pumped anybody. I was taught the game from a friend of mine. How could you be friends with a pimp you ask? I understand that people do certain things in our heart’s we know is wrong. What people do and who they are inside at there core is totally different. We all have more than one personality. We act different and conduct ourselves in different manners for different people. You wouldn’t act the same way around the pope as you would your good buddy. This is where most people lose in life. By judging other people and they don’t really know them. They only know this side of someone or that side of someone. A serial Killer can raise children and the children never know the other side or personality of there father. He isn’t a monster to them. Only to the one’s he murders or to an outsider. Someone who reads about him in the paper or see on the news. Dennis Rader. The infamous BTK. Serial killer raised his daughter well. She never knew he was a serial killer nor did any member of the congregation of the church he attended. Only when he got caught did anyone realize he had a very evil side. Now back to my biggest life lesson. My narc was an amazing person. I hate her because I know what she is. Her family loves her dearly and they don’t know she doesn’t give a shot about any of them. A narcissist doesn’t care about anyone. No one. Only themselves. That is the amazing part. The selfishness, the entitlement they have we can’t even force ourselves to have. I had to let her know that I knew what she really was. Your not going to get away with this. At least not to me. I was posses at first. Then I used my abilities to rip her mask off. That is the worst thing you can do to one. You can call them a narcissist. They will just brush that aside. You really have to get in there head. It’s very difficult. It became a mission. There was no way I was going to let this personality beat me. I have seen too much and been too many places and met every persona you could imagine. This was my pinnacle. The sadness in my heart was gone. I prayed to God to harden my heart towards her. I would have never stood a chance. When God did this. The lessson I was to learn became clear. God blocked all my cherished memories of this woman out. I didn’t or couldn’t think of any. Sixteen years of precious time to me were just blocked. Like a wall. Even today I can’t really remember or God won’t let me remember. If I try hard enough I can. I don’t though. They were never real. It was all an illusion. Now we come to the good part. A narcissist knows that they are a narcissist. If you get them to admit it you beat them. They are so cunning and truly void of emotions. They believe they are more intelligent than us. They mirror our behaviors. They don’t really have any true personality or you could say they have everyone else’s they use and adapt them. That is why we fall prey to them. They become us. They mimic us. It’s hard to believe let alone understand. My mind and my feelings had to expose her. I had to use all my emotions or you could say all my personalities to do it. We have a different personality for each occasion in life. If we’re happy we use this personality, if we’re jealous we use this personality, if we’re sad we use a different personality. The only thing that would be a real personality for them would be arrogance. The rest is borrowed from you and I. I hate arrogance. It is the ugliest thing in the world. My turn to break your ass. After 17 years of being manipulated it was my turn. I started with thing like who are you today? When she would call me. I learned all about these people. When I was done I knew more about her than she did herself. I slowly pointed out everything about her. I force fed her the narc manual. I would say how long are you going to give me the silent treatment this time. In occasion I would say. I know what you are. I wouldn’t elaborate. That’s all I would say. I would say thing to her in a suttle way. I made her see slowly that she was done. I would say wow do you think you deserve that. There sense of entitlement is unreal. They think they deserve everything. I used every piece of there hidden self against her and she didn’t know what I was doing. This took time. In the meantime I still played the victim. I still had sex with her even though I didn’t want to. I still acted upset when she would lie. I wasn’t upset though. I had to play a role. It was horrible. I had to do it though. I wasn’t going to let her get away with this. My emotions were all over the map. How dare you purposely and falsely make me love you and then find joy in my pain. They are evil. I never knew real evil until her. Well when I got to the end I knew I was playing with the devil.The devil wasn’t going to win. No fucking way. God was on my side. After about 4 months of pointing out to her all these horrible behaviors and traits. I had in a way brainwashed her. Then it all came down to the final round. I let her have it all over a text message. I pointed out everything She was. I didn’t cuss her out. I did it in a manner to where she would have to realize I knew that jezebel spirit was what she was. I got a response from her. It was in classic narc form. She sent me a simple text. It read. “And Scene” with the emoji of Thalia and Melpomeme. I just started laughing. I exposed her true self and she exited stage left. I have two kids with her and I protect them dearly. The narcissist is what is known as being in a class called Cluster B personality disorder. There are 4 disorders in this cluster and they generally overlap with one another. If you read about the Clusters in the DSM-5 manual you will understand them way better. You won’t like it. You’ll know though if you suspect your with one by this manual. It’s called the dramatic, emotional, erratic. Cluster. Now when I talk to her I refer to her as my little cluster B. That’s my enjoyment. I guess there must be something wrong with me or I’m still in a great deal of pain and disbelief.
Thank you so much for these insights. I’ve learned a lot today. Do you have an article that addresses this issue with respect to how parents of a narcissist can protect themselves from their child’s gaslighting and hoovering?
This article came to me at exactly the time I refused to get back with the ex narcissist… He left me 10 mos ago which was a blessing. His new victim died if a drug overdose in January. He saw my car and came into a thrift store where I was shopping…. Then came to my apt and I did discuss things I needed closure on. Then I realized a WK later…I wanted no contact w him…Luna I feel so better and then I read the article and it was confirmed that he was hoovering and am empowered as never before… Thank you so very much for your insights.. Love, Deb
Deborah, I’m so glad this article could come to you at the exact time you needed support the most. This is precisely why I write these articles. May you continue to stay strong, resolute, and grounded. <3
Hey there!
What I can say, after just exiting such a relationship, is that after you experience such abuse there is little place for wondering whether it’s a narcissist or just a tendency. Really.
I am currently trying to get rid of all the hoovering ‘attacks’ you mentioned. And yes, I have been lured back into the relationship few times before and I guess that is one of the reasons he’s so persistent still, because he knows it’s worked before.
And thank you, Teddee, that is a very good idea, to keep a list of the things he’s done, which are not few. For later, because for now it’s recent and I still remember everything vividly.
I’ve lost friendships, self respect, for a while also all contact with anyone else. It has been traumatic in so many ways.
And what I also learned is that people judge so easily (of course, myself included) comments like “why didn’t you put an end to it?” or “you get what you deserve for staying with him”. And I understand, like I said, until you’ve experienced it, it’s hard to get how they can make you feel like you’re you’re the one that’s crazy or has issues, you’re the one that’s wrong and so on. :)
Well, it’s been three months now since I broke up with him and I have started to feel like myself again.
Aletheia, I had a concern when I was reading this.
I think it may be a good idea to mention once again that this technique is so awful and dangerous partly because it’s hard to tell the difference at first. Unless you can see through good liars you may not be able to tell the difference between an abusive narcissist and say a genuine recovering person at first.
I think that the key is to watch for their behaviours more than their words. If they don’t stick to their word, give them a gentle push, and if they react by blaming you or appeasing you without actually doing anything, then you most likely are dealing with genuine abuse, not a true call for help. They may actually try for a short time to help convince you, then revert. The bottom line is if they treat you poorly, there is no redeeming quality for that.
Not that you should help every person who asks you every time but it’s a good idea to remember that people are people, we all make mistakes, the important thing isn’t to point fingers, but to move forward.
I like your comment. Actions speak so much louder than words. It is also so vital to decide on personal values, what you will and will not accept from others, to set proper boundaries. Deciding I was actually worthy of boundaries was my first step in healing from a childhood of abuse.
Yes, you bring up a good point Shady, I think I’ll add a little bit to the article to clarify that.
There’s a bird called a killdeer that does something interesting when you get too close to her eggs/ chicks. She will fake having a broken wing and start running away from the nest, hoping you (a predator) will follow. When you get near, the killdeer suddenly recovers and flies away. This is how I view the narcissists in my life: they pull a fake out act from their bag of tricks to distract you and get your eyes off the prize.
My mother is a narcissist. I have cut off contact other than a lovely Christmas card I send to her and dad each year. This past holiday she used my sister to try to get to me by requesting my social security number to provide to her life insurance company. In my humble opinion a 60 year old woman really ought to rearrange her priorities in life, but garbage about life insurance or a will is just a lure to try to draw me back in. I refuse to play along.
I believe we attract what we our ourselves. I decided recently to stop dating and to pour all the love I have for others onto myself. I build daily habits of keeping my home clean and body healthy. It is never too late to become the parent we always wanted to have. I am my own parent now.
“It is never too late to become the parent we always wanted to have. I am my own parent now.” — While my parents weren’t narcissists, I find this deeply touching. So many of us never felt as though we had “true” mothers and fathers, and learning how to be your own parent is so important for recovery. I am working on this myself and it is revolutionary! Thank you for sharing your story A Sun. I wish you all the love in the world. <3
This article really hit home. Literally all of my family members. All of my friends & boyfriends start out normal, then drop the mask. I notice that narcissistic behavior is encourage in the US. Why have any desire to be around anyone if it means being abused? I heard narcissists target lightworkers because we have the self-love & fuffillment they don’t, dam leeches. Seems to be all I attract. Can you write an article on how to attract mentally healthy people?
How do you define mentally healthy? Do you mean positive people? Caring people?
I can assure you I am a ways away from mentally healthy, but I know very few people as genuine and patient as I am. Aletheia Luna and I are both narcissists, and as far as I can tell we are very patient and mature. But it’s my hunch that we both discovered our love for life in a journey filled with pain and temptation and selfishness, like many other people.
The first step to finding people you can truly connect with is understanding what is important to you, and realizing that getting to know people is the only way to really get to know people.
Maybe try meeting people in less extroverted placed, like maybe… book stores or libraries or, the mall. Places you wouldn’t usually go to meet new people, but to enjoy yourself.
Are you sure you both are narcissists, or is it that you just have some narcissistic tendencies? Because true narcs have no empathy for anyone, & try to destroy others to cover up the fact that they truly hate themselves inside. Are you sure that is you two? Anyway I am in isolation because every person I meet turns out to reject me if I don’t kiss their asses, or seems to be threatened by my genuine self love. Literally everyone.. I’m not cruel to others, but I set healthy boundaries. I see them treat others well, but I seem to bring out other’s insecurities. I’m always self improving, but it seems no matter what I do, my choices are to either accept emotional abuse & put downs or be alienated by others, or both.
Well all anyone has to go on is what you’ve shared, so it’s hard to make a catch-all answer.
Making a small difference (it’s hard/impossible to change people) could be as simple as changing the way you communicate. Do people read you the way you intend to be read, or misunderstand you?
If you are confident you have clear and effective communication with people, then you might have to just remove negative influences from your life. Everyone is negative sometimes, but if someone is insistent in blaming and pointing fingers, then you should probably not spend time with that person if they don’t show genuine caring and respect for you.
Remember also that it’s okay for people to have different opinions and views, you might meet lots of people in your life whom you just can’t agree with on some things. Know what’s important to you and who you want to have in your life, and who you don’t.
You touched on something I’ve actually begun to work on. Coming across the way I intend to. I can only guess until I figure it out because I have been to a counselor and they could find no real issues with me. Also people I considered friends at the time could give no constructive criticism, I’m fine in their eyes too, but they still turn on me or disappear. Someone’s not being truthful here and I’m trying to get to the bottom of it. As I stated earlier, I am surrounded by narc family who continue the cycle on to their children & scapegoat me for trying to do what’s right, so there are some scars there. I put up walls & have become somewhat of a misanthrope, believing everyone is like this, but I never stop trying. I may just be attracting these types by my subdued behavior due to all those years of emotional abuse. I have my flaws but consider myself to have a healthy balance of light and dark, I’m just trying to break my habit of not conveying my truth to others. Wow actually talking to genuine people is making me realize how valuable it is to have the right people around. Please pray for me that I can figure this out.
One of the commenters below makes an interesting observation: there’s a difference between narcissism and narcissist tendencies. Unfortunately it seems that in the West, narcissistic tendencies are more common and even acceptable, so it helps to be discerning. Even we “lightworkers” have narcissistic tendencies, so people are usually not “black or white.” In fact, many lightworkers I’ve met are actually unaware of their self-centeredness exclusively because they identify as “spiritual” people and are thus not willing to admit or face the darker sides of themselves (spiritual bypassing 101). But yes, narcissists are attracted to empathic types of people, but not because of their self-love, usually it’s because of their absence of it and the empath’s need to care for other people.
That makes sense, I will continue to work on exuding self love, confidence & authenticity, in the hopes I will attract more balanced people. Thanks.
This was my ex-wife. She did and still attempts most of these things. She’ll never change as there appear to be zero consequences for her actions. Tons of friends, guys hitting on her never single more than a few weeks. I take the high road as much as possible and all my friends left and single for 2+ years without a single bite or interest. Narcis seems to come out on top despite their mis-treating of all those around them. It’s backwards.
A bit off-topic here
For the past few years, I have started awakening starting a form of a severe existential crisis with symptoms such as demotivation, tiredness, laziness etc. because the thought of our life being destined to end puts so much of everything I had fought for, such as fame, money and everything ego-related to no avail; I am also being stressed out also by the thought of it, think of it like Existential Anxiety gone wrong. Both of these are making my life a living hell as of the moment.
I am also in a band but my lead singer is emotionally abusive such as I can’t make decisions for myself and I think I am being gas-lighted as when he insults me because I almost was late for a gig, on the way to a gig he was messaging the band group (Facebook Messenger) of how stupid and inconsiderate I was etc. the gig turned out to be successful and he was happy about it, when I confronted him of how his insults hurt me he then calls me overly-sensitive with no guilt or remorse for calling me that. Could it have been my fault and not his? He accepts some parts of me but rejects others such as my sensitivity and my anxious tendencies such as worrying often but I accept him as he is, good or bad. My point here is that, I believe that he can change and as a matter of fact, I am trying my best to make him change, what is the line between believing in someone and leaving the relationship?
I know I’m not Luna but I am talented at resolving conflict.
He likely doesn’t understand your need to be sensitive because he’s sculpted his world view into
one that helps him. Let him know calmly that you are going through a difficult time and need patience, you’ll keep trying to do better. If he continues to respond with negativity, you can either choose to be extra patient as a show of seriousness, or (and if that doesn’t work) you need to distance yourself from this person.
Remember, the line between a reasonable person and a stubborn jerk can be quite blurry sometimes. He likely thinks he’s right, or is at very least trying to convince himself he is so that he doesn’t have to feel something. That or he actually is a stubborn jerk. If he refuses to care about how he treats you, you do not have to tolerate that, nor should you.
Thanks Shady, but I’m not as talented as you might think, haha
Oh, my name is Shayd, and in my opinion you share meaningful and well thought out advice with people, and that’s a talent.
I don’t think it’s any stretch of the imagine to say you help to make people’s lives better. I needed something like Lonerwolf when I found it; your words and Sol’s have helped me to have faith in myself despite confusion, frustration and uncertainty.
Panda, maybe ask yourself, “what’s so wrong with not enjoying or searching for the things I once liked?” Spiritual awakening is all about the mentality you approach it with, and it can definitely be disturbing, but also exciting as more depth and Soul connection emerges in your life. I understand the anxiety, and I felt that too, especially when it requires that you ACT rather than sit around. Have you joined a local or online group dedicated to spiritual awakening? There are many empathetic people in these circles. You can also hang around lonerwolf and get more support and guidance if you like. Empathy from others goes a long way.
As for your band, I can feel how being criticised and name-called is very upsetting, particularly if you’re emotionally sensitive. I think it’s awesome that you tried to stand up for yourself in the face of this unkindness. It seems typical for many men to treat each other roughly, especially when it comes to emotions. There are many things to consider: perhaps the lead singer was stressed out and said nasty things in the heat of the moment or perhaps he’s just an insensitive or self-centered guy. In any case, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, your emotions, your needs, and draw a line when it needs to be drawn.
It’s futile to “make” him change, so please stop trying.
I feel so sorry for him though, the band is a way to relieve himself of his self-hatred, I could sense it as he hides it in a mask of smiling and joking which all the more makes me pity him, that’s all.
but yeah, I get your point. Thanks