Your heart sinks as you read the text, “I’m not in a great place right now. I need you. Please help.”
It’s been over a year now. You’ve cut off all ties and contact with your ex, and you’ve finally gained some semblance of mental health. But this … this random text throws you completely off. As you quickly type the message with shaking fingers “What do you need help with?” and click send, your stomach drops. There is a dark feeling in the pit of your chest. It’s the ominous and foreboding feeling you sometimes get before thunderstorms and tragic news. Deep down, you know that you’ve made the wrong choice.
You’ve just been hoovered.
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If you can relate to what I’ve just written, you’re likely experiencing a dangerously abusive manipulation technique known as hoovering. Hoovering is a technique that drags you into cycles of abuse, disrupting your entire life and those around you. In this article, you’ll learn how to prevent this abusive manipulation from fooling you.
Table of contents
What is Hoovering?
Hoovering is an abuse tactic frequently used by people who struggle with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic personality disorders. Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering is basically a way of “sucking” a person back into an abusive relationship. Hoovering is typically done after a long period of no contact between the victim and the abuser. In an attempt to regain control over their victims, hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim’s soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities. If they are successful, the hoovering abuser will use their victim until they are bored of them and discard of them once again.
3 Toxic Examples of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at what hoovering looks and feels like:
Scenario 1: Amanda broke up with Steven six months ago and has severed all contact. But one day, out of the blue, she receives a contact request on Facebook from Steven apologizing for all of his abusive behavior and that he wants to be given a second chance because he’s still “in love” with her. Amanda’s heart beats quickly as she writes a response, truly believing that Steven has “changed.”
Scenario 2: Ben managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship with his partner Robert almost two years ago. When he arrive home, he finds a lavish array of flowers on his doorstep with a note that says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and a phone number from Robert. Ben starts remembering how much affection Robert used to show him at the start of their relationship. Feeling lonely, Ben convinces himself that Robert must have matured past his paranoid and hateful behavior, and gives him a call.
Scenario 3: Ingrid has just left Scott out of a desperate attempt to regain control of her life. After managing to find solace for a few days from his gaslighting, infidelity, and outbursts of rage, he begins appearing on her doorstep. “You’re the only one I ever loved Ingrid,” Scott whines, “I want to marry you, I only ever wanted to be with you. You’re the love of my life, my soulmate.” After experiencing this behavior for a couple of weeks, Ingrid finally snaps, and rips open the door, “Get out of my fucking life!” she screams and starts to cry. Scott pulls her into a hug and she sobs on his shoulder.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
What’s the point of hoovering? To regain a sense of control over you. Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image.
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Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again.
Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you.
The truth is that narcissists couldn’t care less about you, and their attempts to win your trust are all fabrications that are part of their sick game. Because of their severe soul loss and inability to show any form of empathy, a narcissist will say any lie and go to any extent to get you back under their control.
8 Creepy Forms of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at some of the creepiest and most common forms of hoovering below. Please note that many of these signs are common among relationships that have just ended. So if you’re still being pursued by your ex, this might not necessarily mean that you’re being hoovered or that they have dark intentions. Hoovering is a pathological and manipulative form of behavior that is intended to suck you back into another cycle of abuse. When reading these signs, please be honest about your relationship and ex-partner.
1. Pretending that your relationship isn’t over
They will ignore your requests to cut off contact, continue sending you the same messages, will show up at your house, job, etc. They’ll continue harassing you as if nothing has changed at all.
2. Sending unsolicited gifts
In an attempt to get you back, they will send you lavish and unexpected gifts such as flowers, cards, tickets to movies and concerts, cakes, you name it.
3. “Apologizing” for their behavior
To try and engage you, the narcissist will appear to “own up” to their mistakes and will feign humility and remorse in an attempt to pull at your heartstrings. Their messages or words will sound very convincing, so be careful.
4. Indirect manipulation
If they can’t get through to you directly, they will go a different route: your friends, children or other family members. For example, they might try to send you messages through your friends or say something slanderous about you to your family which you’ll then feel the need to correct. When you’ve been hooked, you’ll be lured into confronting them about their lies.
The narcissist may even try to use your children against you. For instance, if your ex has custody of your children, he/she might put the child on the phone asking you to come back home or get them to write letters to you. This is a powerful and highly manipulative hoovering technique.
5. Declaring love
Declaring undying love is perhaps the most common hoovering technique out there. Because love is such a powerful emotion, narcissists will not hesitate to use it to lure you back into their clutches. They will say things such as, “You’re my soulmate,” “We were made for each other,” “You’re the only person I’ve ever loved,” to tempt you into contact again. Do NOT fall for these tricks.
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6. Sending random messages to you and “ghost” phone calls
If you’re being hoovered, you’ll likely receive random messages from the narcissist asking for and commenting on different things. Expect text messages such as “Please wish (so-and-so) a happy anniversary from me,” “Did you take my (personal item)?” “Are you going to (so-and-so’s) dinner tonight?” “I’m standing in the place we first met. Thinking of you,” and so forth.
The narcissist may even send you “accidental” messages with the intention of putting a knife in your heart such as, “I love you honey, I’ll be home at 6” to their new partner with the intention of inciting a response from you.
Another creepy tactic is receiving ghost phone calls. For example, you might receive frequent phone calls from private numbers and receive long silences or soft breathing on the other end. This tactic is used to freak you out and get you to engage.
7. Faking vulnerability and the need for “help”
The narcissist will go to any extent to get your attention and sympathy. Faking the need for help is such a powerful hoovering technique because it preys on our natural tendency to show compassion to others. The narcissist might send you messages and leave you voice mails telling you that they’re sick, they need your help, they’re desperately in trouble and need you to call them back, or even that they’re going to kill themselves. I’ve heard of narcissists that have gone as far as faking serious illnesses like cancer and heart attacks, just to prey on others and reel them into abusive cycles again. (Note: if you think someone is going to kill themselves, please call your local police services.)
8. Baiting you with drama
If all other hoovering techniques fail, the narcissist will try baiting you with drama. They will send you melodramatic messages, create havoc in your social life through spreading rumors, use your children as an excuse to express rage and hissy fits, and put on scenes with the intention of provoking reactions from you.
How to Stop Being a Victim of Hoovering Narcissists
Firstly, it’s important to understand that hoovering is designed to trick you by playing on your emotional vulnerabilities. A narcissist knows very well how to manipulate you, and they will disguise their contact as an attempt to seek reconciliation, forgiveness, friendship, and even love.
Because hoovering is essentially about emotional survival for the narcissist, they will often go to extreme extents to get your engagement. They will lie, pretend, and coerce you in any way they can so that they can get what they’re truly craving: power, control, and validation. If you feel that you’re being stalked, don’t hesitate to contact the police. Narcissistic abuse is a very real issue.
Here are some of the best ways to end the cycle of narcissistic abuse:
- Change your phone number, email, and social media accounts (or block his/her number)
- Pay attention to the signs that you’re being hoovered and know these hoovering manipulation tactics inside out so that you can identify them when they occur
- Set a firm rule that you will NOT contact, acknowledge or respond to the narcissist in any way, shape or form
- Learn to love and take care of yourself (read this article on how to love yourself more for tips)
- Join a narcissist support group
- Develop mindfulness so that you can become aware of your emotional triggers
- Try google the ‘gray rock method‘ if you’ve been lured back into a relationship
I truly hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the narcissist’s hoovering mind games.
Eventually, the narcissist’s tactics WILL stop. The sooner you completely ignore every one of their attempts to lure you in, the sooner they will realize that they have no control over you anymore.
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Are you experiencing hoovering? Do you know someone who is? What advice can you share that can help others? Please share below.
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Read through the comments hoping to stumble across similar situation to mine, as I DESPERATELY need some advice. Only 1 comment.. but no luck there. What if this monster is your mom? Through a series of fortunate events , I came across the GASLIGHTING article and then this .. I’ve been literally checking every box… and feel the utmost shame and the biggest sucker. Problem is, after 20+ years of this ‘rinse & repeat’ cycle, the damage is done and I have not a single person left to turn to. Now, shortly after reconnecting with my estranged dad, he passed away & through that ordeal my mom found a way back in. With nobody left, it’s hard not to want any form of connection even knowing now what I do. I fear I broke somewhere along the way. Can such a person ever maybe change? Is there a way I can facilitate this knowledge into building some semblance of relationship with her? Is it even worth it to try? I’m just so tired & doubt I can break more or hurt more, but can I maybe hirt even a little bit less?
JD, I’m sorry to hear of the struggle you’re going through. If you don’t have a single person left to turn to, I strongly recommend that you seek out a counselor/therapist. These are trained individuals who can help you get through the damage that has been done. You can find many affordable therapists/counselors online. It is important that you speak with someone who can genuinely help you. In the time being, try joining a narcissist support group online (there are many, and you can look on facebook as well). I hope that helps. Lots of love
I am in a narcissist relationship. Everything I read describes my ex. I am not married to him. He hovers me just the way you described it.
My ex was and I believe still is an undiagnosed borderline. Still being in the narcissist range, his hoovering has been somewhat different than a covert narcissist, for example. After a few years of his raging over simple things, he’d leave me for a few days ( I eventually caught onto the fact that this would happen thurs-sundays, his days off), and would eventually come home, say he’s sorry and asked how he could “make it up to me”. I always said, “stop leaving”. He left one too many times. I stopped texting, calling and emailing him as I used to so he didnt come home for 3 months. Do you see the game he was playing? I packed up and left.
As he was a borderline, they can’t believe they are loveable and fear being abandoned. They can be dangerous. I have no problem with gun ownership but he had taken his magnum hand gun with him. Always being the drama king about wanting to kill himself, I knew I was in danger as he still had a key to the rented apartment which his name was on the lease. They are entitled- they can leave but the partner can’t. So he only alluded to missing me one time because he loved me.
He sent a text that he was so sad that I left. He was beside himself in pain. I responded and wanted to meet in a public place to talk. Nothing. He ghosted me. Ok, I get it.
He would call and text all hours of the day or night with statements of why I thought I knew everything. When he’d call and leave a message, he’d growl like a demon, telling me that I never loved him and that love is in the eye of the beholder. Ah, that is “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. I never said he was a literary giant! I never responded and I blocked him every way I could.
Before I blocked him, he told me that he couldn’t give me money as usual because he needed to spent $300 (only a portion of what he agreed to give me) to buy supplements because he was going thru something that could be very dangerous to his health and he just didnt know what was going to happen to him. I didnt bite nor did I argue for the remainder of the money he should have given me.
He eventually divorced me and wanted to give me nothing. He found out where I lived and put a nail in the tire of my work car, got into the car and removed the headrest and threw it into the back seat. Nothing was taken so it was in order to harass me and he was my only enemy. Then he was anonymously calling my workplace to tell them I was using my work car for personal errands. The office told him that that was fine. He then told my office, wording that was his rell-tell words he used when he was found wrong. I couldn’t prove it was him that messed with me but I put this all on the record at the police department.
So after the divorce, he called my attorney’s office because he found some of my things still at his place. He stated that he did not know where I lived (ha!) so he wanted to know how to get them to me. Through my attorney’s office, I gave him my PO Box address. He sent the box. There was a little note inside. It said, ” Why do you hate me so much..
.. I’ve sent your things. I sent the picnic blanket, but if the want the basket, you will have to come get it off the porch.” The basket is not that important to me. It’s just a way to make me crawl back to get something that he is holding to prove that he’s in control.
So you see, his kind of hoovering was to act the victim and prey on my heart strings that I just never did enough to love him and besides that, leaving him was even more proof of that. NOTHING was ever offered as an apology from him (remorse is more of what is needed here) or the recognition of his entitlement or lack of love given to me. That is immaterial to him.
Why would I ever go back? Especially now that I know our life together (3.5 years until I left) was about and for him only? I am so better off being in a non-crazy world. I once loved him dearly. But now I know he wasn’t who I thought he was.
This is exactly what happens to me now. I decided after a ten-year relation to leave my partner. All of a sudden he couldn’t be nicer. He called one of my best friends to find out whether I really had the intention to leave him. Now he couldn’t be more considerate. After years of blame shifting, where I took all the blame of what went wrong, he suddenly starts to say he acknowledges that he was the one that was wrong, and that he realises this now. He starts to express admiration for some of my capacities, those who he was downrating at first.
I realise this is an attempt to hoover me back in, but I am quite happy to read all about the techniques here, as a confirmation, and an affirmation, not to be drawn back again. Thanks a lot for sharing.
Well i been married for 19 yrs never in my life have i seen narcissist in him but in 2018 i have statred figuring it out what he was doing was minipulating everything around what was said and i computed everything in my head got his family involved which my feelings about his mom was never good main minipulator but they started minipulating mind games started trying to make me think im crazy andbi know i wasnt. I told him i know what you guys are doing minipulating my mind forbyour own gain. For something that was said about him of what he had done. He started to tell me my cousins want me dead. That we have to stay together in order for it to work. His mom mentioned was i pulling rope wth does that mean
Then when i called him out on what i thoughtbhe was. His attitude was diffrent. Meaner. Silent treatment. Now i suspect hes been having affair
Denys it which thats stupid of me to ask
I have a long-time friend who I have recently identified to have narcissistic behaviour. After going no contact recently (I was tired of being the only one trying to maintain the friendship), she has just texted me claiming to be a victim of domestic violence.
I don’t know what to do – I haven’t seen her for over six months and the majority of contact was initiated by me. I can’t ignore this claim – if it’s true I would never forgive myself for ignoring it.
In an effort to try and maintain boundaries, my response was “who is abusing you?” I don’t want to get pulled back into her drama if it’s not genuine.
My ex would go into a massive rage over something ridiculous and suddenly with no warning walk out, disappearing for a week, a month, or sometimes as long as 6 or 9 months. Then out of the blue one day he’d show up (magically appearing in front of me at the store, for example) with a pathetic violin story usually involving an illness or crisis that he supposedly was facing or had recently experienced (always a major exaggeration of the truth). He would act like he had intense regret and desperately needed to be with me. He finally went too far the last time (about 2 years ago) and upon exiting tried to rip me off for thousands of dollars. I think he figured he had pretty much used me up so he might as well see what else he could get from me on the way out. Now when he occasionally sees me in a public place he stares at me and psychologically manspreads, standing near the exit and trying to find an attractive woman to schmooze with while I have to walk past. He has no shame.
I don’t know why I didn’t “google” my situation earlier. I could’ve figured this out years ago.
I have been in a constant on/off relationship with a man for 9y. The last two, we actually made it official and met friends and parents. He started talking about marriage and kids within the first few months surprising, and somewhat flattering me, but I knew deep down none of this was actually going to pan out. One thing that’s been consistent in our relationship is the part where he left leaving me in total and utter devastation. Then the “hoovering” would follow in a few months.. a silly email or text asking for advice or a simple reminiscing hi that includes a topic that is related to my interests.
The last two years I’ve felt like I’m stepping on eggshells around him. He was always angry or annoyed. At first, I thought it was my fault. He had given me instructions/rules to follow to become a “real adult” and be an marriage-life-ready. I tried so very hard to meet these demands but my efforts were either ignored or counted as silly. Everything I did out of consideration of his schedule or condition soon became taken for granted and also something to be judged by.
In his words..I wasn’t a real adult, clumsy and noisy breaking things all the time, complain about everything, always wants to win, mostly wrong, unhealthy, lazy and superficial. I believed him. At first. I asked my friends, colleges, family and even strangers. None of them had the impression of me that he had. I also knew myself. That’s not me. I have a full time job, appreciated at the office, always find silver linings, run 5miles 3days a week, and work on personal projects on the weekends. Also, I never ever asked for him to pay for anything. I was the giver of random gifts. I always paid for my flights to his place.
I started catching onto his gaslighting. He blamed everything on me. Even the fact that he cheated on me was my fault. I suggested an open relationship at one point to accommodate his needs. Honestly was more important that fidelity in my intimacy scale so I asked if he would like that. He said no because he didn’t like the idea of sharing me with other men. We moved on from the subject. Few months later he came clean about an affair and said “I knew it was wrong even though you said it was ok.” as if we had agreed to be in an open relationship.
I started talking back making logical points to him when he got angry or made snarky comments. I also started planning to break up with him. I ate sweets and snacks disregarding his comments on how it stresses him out thinking how unhealthy it is for me. He broke up with me over the phone 4days after I’ve spent two weeks with him at his place for Christmas and his birthday near NYE. He said he doesn’t want to resent me for the time he has to spend with me. That he cannot be the person I want him to be. All I could think of was how he ran into the shower to have sex with me the last day I was with him. How he knew that was his chance to get off one last time. How he chose to break up with me a month before my birthday when I had given him a pricey gift for his just a week ago. How I always took my weekends and leaves from work to see go see him every other week while he came down to my location twice in two years of our relationship.
I have a feeling he’ll want to poke at me again in a few months or maybe in a year with an email or text or even a letter. He won’t be able to.
I leavebhome because my husband seems to get an attitude out of no whete like he wants to fight so i can leave and he can bring who ever in my house then when hes done hell keep blowing my phone up texting weird stuff to get me home. Then it seems like its all about sex thats why he wants me home but getting tired of it all i feel he has something up his sleeve
My jaw dropped, reading your comments, as your experience with your narcissist so closely mirrors my own! We were together for several years — “engaged” for one — and I was given a written list of rules and requirements that I had to comply with before he would even consider marriage. Of course, the goalposts kept moving, as he had no intention of ever following through and actually marrying me, because he was a future-faker and the only thing he wanted to lockdown was a constant supply of sex. I didn’t suggest an open relationship, but he told me he wanted a Big Love relationship (like the tv show where the guy has multiple wives) only I had to stay faithful to him and never even look at another guy. And the money thing — I paid for everything, sacrificed my time and energy and love to make him the priority, even though it made no difference, and just made him treat me with even less respect.
I broke my No Contact so many times thanks to his hoovering. He tried every trick in the book, but the future faking was what got me each time. The only thing that got me to finally stand my ground — and not let him back into my life despite him threatening to kill himself, saying he has Cancer, promising me marriage, etc. — was that I envisioned my own death (sorry to be morbid, but it’s true) and how he would once again make it all about him — a giant “poor me” pity party — where he got to throw down the sympathy card (which would be taken the next level thanks to the smear campaign he’s worked so hard on for the past few years). I envisioned myself laying in the casket and hearing: “Oh, you poor baby. Come here, let me comfort you. She was SO lucky to have you/so lucky that you put up with her/you deserve some happiness, finally/can’t believe what you had to deal with”. After that, he’d throw me in a grave me next to a busy highway, then head out to the bar. I think if you think logically and envision what’ll realistically happen long-term, it makes things clearer, at least it did for me.
It’s not easy, but stay strong!
I HAVE AN EX ON WHICH I SHARE A CHILD I RECENTLY FOUND OUT HES BEEN CHEATING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN BEHIND MY BACK FOR QUITE SOME TIME WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM HE SAID YES I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND PROCEED TO TELL ME SHE IS BETTER THAN ME AND HOW IM BORING AND THROWING RANDOM THINGS IN MY FACE HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME HES THE ONE THAT LOOKS FOR HER AND WANTS HIM TO MEET HIS MOM AND MARRY HER AND HE THREW ME AND HIS DAUGHTER OUT FOR THIS WOMAN IN THE CRUELEST WAY THEIR WAS PHYSICAL ALTERCATION BETWEEN ME AND HIM SO I RELIED ON A FRIEND THAT SHOWED ME THIS NOW I WENT ON NO CONTACT HE REACHED OUT TO ME IF HE CAN SEE HIS DAUGHTER I WENT BUT THE WHOLE TIME IT WAS ABOUT ME IF I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND BLAH BLAH BLAH ONCE AGAIN BRINGING UP HIS GIRLFRIEND I WENT NO CONTACT AGAIN AND LATE AT NIGHT HE SENT ME ANOTHER TEXT IT SAID HI FOR ME TO COME OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND A BUNCH OF EXPLICIT STUFF I FELL FOR IT SO WHAT I DID IS FORWARD ALL THE MESSAGES TO HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND HE GOT MAD AND GHOST ME THE GIRLFRIEND STILL STAYED WITH HIM BECAUSE HE WAS CONSTANTLY BEGGING HER AND LIED TO HER THAT I WAS CRAZY AND NOTHING EVER HAPPENED PLEASE TELL ME THAT AFTER I DID THIS AND SHOWED HIS GIRLFRIEND ALL THE MESSAGES HE WILL LEAVE ME ALONE I WENT ON NO CONTACT AGAIN THIS TIME IM STICKING TO MY GUNS I CANT GET HURT I FEEL LIKE I CANT BREATH ITS HURTS BUT AFTER THIS PLEASE TELL ME HE IS GOING AWAY BECAUSE I DID THAT TO HIM…
My ‘Voldemort’ stayed away for months until a mutual ‘friend’ of ours started working part time at a place I also work part time. He and other ‘flying monkeys’ now show up EVERY.SINGLE.WEEKEND. She knows my schedule and obviously there could easily be attempts to not show up when I am working. Nope, quite the opposite. After a few missteps the first couple times it happened, I now pretend none of them exist, including any ‘friends’ that are present with him. He also showed up at a Halloween party that I assumed he would be at, but of course, appeared somehow pretty much within minutes after I arrived. And of course, I was only even there for a matter of a couple hours… coincidence… perhaps… but his costume was EXACTLY the half of a couples costume idea I had come up with last year that he REFUSED to dress up as. This is also a very unique idea, so it could not be easily explained as something that a ton of people would have also dressed up as or suggested. None of our mutual ‘friends’ seemed to have remembered or have said a word to me. Though of course, people have short memories and probably would not even remember, and there is no way I would bring it up for fear of sounding ‘crazy’ or ‘paranoid’.
Hoovering and gaslighting in one go … well played Voldemort.
I just read your article on narcissism, and linked over to this one.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about one of my ex’s lately. He is very convinced that I was gaslighted… but it is hard for me to tell. Even though he did a lot of the signs, and I felt unheard and too crazy for someone to love, I negate it by thinking about how I could have caused it… I just keep feeling like, “He might have been mean, but you were mean back, so it’s fair” . Then I feel like I’ve just demonized him, when it was probably really his fault.
What do I do?
Put the matter far from your mind. What has passed is no longer the case. Let laying dogs lie in their beds.in order to prevent future indiscretions it’s important to gain some sort of insight and acknowledgement, but dwelling on it will not solve anything. Let it be.
I went through the same blaming-myself process after my ex broke up with me. Think of it this way.. your actions were a reaction to his. If he had not been mean, would you have ever been to him first? Why did you become to think you are crazy and silly? Your opinions were valid, your needs were valid, your emotions were valid. Even if they were silly, they were still your and they should have been heard by someone who claims to have loved you. That’s what I came to. Hope that helps.