Your heart sinks as you read the text, “I’m not in a great place right now. I need you. Please help.”
It’s been over a year now. You’ve cut off all ties and contact with your ex, and you’ve finally gained some semblance of mental health. But this … this random text throws you completely off. As you quickly type the message with shaking fingers “What do you need help with?” and click send, your stomach drops. There is a dark feeling in the pit of your chest. It’s the ominous and foreboding feeling you sometimes get before thunderstorms and tragic news. Deep down, you know that you’ve made the wrong choice.
You’ve just been hoovered.
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If you can relate to what I’ve just written, you’re likely experiencing a dangerously abusive manipulation technique known as hoovering. Hoovering is a technique that drags you into cycles of abuse, disrupting your entire life and those around you. In this article, you’ll learn how to prevent this abusive manipulation from fooling you.
Table of contents
What is Hoovering?
Hoovering is an abuse tactic frequently used by people who struggle with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, and histrionic personality disorders. Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering is basically a way of “sucking” a person back into an abusive relationship. Hoovering is typically done after a long period of no contact between the victim and the abuser. In an attempt to regain control over their victims, hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim’s soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities. If they are successful, the hoovering abuser will use their victim until they are bored of them and discard of them once again.
3 Toxic Examples of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at what hoovering looks and feels like:
Scenario 1: Amanda broke up with Steven six months ago and has severed all contact. But one day, out of the blue, she receives a contact request on Facebook from Steven apologizing for all of his abusive behavior and that he wants to be given a second chance because he’s still “in love” with her. Amanda’s heart beats quickly as she writes a response, truly believing that Steven has “changed.”
Scenario 2: Ben managed to escape an emotionally abusive relationship with his partner Robert almost two years ago. When he arrive home, he finds a lavish array of flowers on his doorstep with a note that says “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and a phone number from Robert. Ben starts remembering how much affection Robert used to show him at the start of their relationship. Feeling lonely, Ben convinces himself that Robert must have matured past his paranoid and hateful behavior, and gives him a call.
Scenario 3: Ingrid has just left Scott out of a desperate attempt to regain control of her life. After managing to find solace for a few days from his gaslighting, infidelity, and outbursts of rage, he begins appearing on her doorstep. “You’re the only one I ever loved Ingrid,” Scott whines, “I want to marry you, I only ever wanted to be with you. You’re the love of my life, my soulmate.” After experiencing this behavior for a couple of weeks, Ingrid finally snaps, and rips open the door, “Get out of my fucking life!” she screams and starts to cry. Scott pulls her into a hug and she sobs on his shoulder.
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
What’s the point of hoovering? To regain a sense of control over you. Narcissists begin hoovering when they want something from you such as attention, validation, money or sex. But the deepest reason why narcissists hoover is because they are completely internally empty. They have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless, so they do whatever they can to fill this empty void and sustain their false self-image.
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Narcissists are fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they starve. When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they seek to prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past – and that means you. This also means that they usually have many “backups” (e.g. other exes) to feed off when they begin to feel hungry again.
Like predators, a narcissist knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they have preyed on before. They will try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures which try to convince you how much they have “changed” and “care” for you.
The truth is that narcissists couldn’t care less about you, and their attempts to win your trust are all fabrications that are part of their sick game. Because of their severe soul loss and inability to show any form of empathy, a narcissist will say any lie and go to any extent to get you back under their control.
8 Creepy Forms of Hoovering
Let’s take a look at some of the creepiest and most common forms of hoovering below. Please note that many of these signs are common among relationships that have just ended. So if you’re still being pursued by your ex, this might not necessarily mean that you’re being hoovered or that they have dark intentions. Hoovering is a pathological and manipulative form of behavior that is intended to suck you back into another cycle of abuse. When reading these signs, please be honest about your relationship and ex-partner.
1. Pretending that your relationship isn’t over
They will ignore your requests to cut off contact, continue sending you the same messages, will show up at your house, job, etc. They’ll continue harassing you as if nothing has changed at all.
2. Sending unsolicited gifts
In an attempt to get you back, they will send you lavish and unexpected gifts such as flowers, cards, tickets to movies and concerts, cakes, you name it.
3. “Apologizing” for their behavior
To try and engage you, the narcissist will appear to “own up” to their mistakes and will feign humility and remorse in an attempt to pull at your heartstrings. Their messages or words will sound very convincing, so be careful.
4. Indirect manipulation
If they can’t get through to you directly, they will go a different route: your friends, children or other family members. For example, they might try to send you messages through your friends or say something slanderous about you to your family which you’ll then feel the need to correct. When you’ve been hooked, you’ll be lured into confronting them about their lies.
The narcissist may even try to use your children against you. For instance, if your ex has custody of your children, he/she might put the child on the phone asking you to come back home or get them to write letters to you. This is a powerful and highly manipulative hoovering technique.
5. Declaring love
Declaring undying love is perhaps the most common hoovering technique out there. Because love is such a powerful emotion, narcissists will not hesitate to use it to lure you back into their clutches. They will say things such as, “You’re my soulmate,” “We were made for each other,” “You’re the only person I’ve ever loved,” to tempt you into contact again. Do NOT fall for these tricks.
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6. Sending random messages to you and “ghost” phone calls
If you’re being hoovered, you’ll likely receive random messages from the narcissist asking for and commenting on different things. Expect text messages such as “Please wish (so-and-so) a happy anniversary from me,” “Did you take my (personal item)?” “Are you going to (so-and-so’s) dinner tonight?” “I’m standing in the place we first met. Thinking of you,” and so forth.
The narcissist may even send you “accidental” messages with the intention of putting a knife in your heart such as, “I love you honey, I’ll be home at 6” to their new partner with the intention of inciting a response from you.
Another creepy tactic is receiving ghost phone calls. For example, you might receive frequent phone calls from private numbers and receive long silences or soft breathing on the other end. This tactic is used to freak you out and get you to engage.
7. Faking vulnerability and the need for “help”
The narcissist will go to any extent to get your attention and sympathy. Faking the need for help is such a powerful hoovering technique because it preys on our natural tendency to show compassion to others. The narcissist might send you messages and leave you voice mails telling you that they’re sick, they need your help, they’re desperately in trouble and need you to call them back, or even that they’re going to kill themselves. I’ve heard of narcissists that have gone as far as faking serious illnesses like cancer and heart attacks, just to prey on others and reel them into abusive cycles again. (Note: if you think someone is going to kill themselves, please call your local police services.)
8. Baiting you with drama
If all other hoovering techniques fail, the narcissist will try baiting you with drama. They will send you melodramatic messages, create havoc in your social life through spreading rumors, use your children as an excuse to express rage and hissy fits, and put on scenes with the intention of provoking reactions from you.
How to Stop Being a Victim of Hoovering Narcissists
Firstly, it’s important to understand that hoovering is designed to trick you by playing on your emotional vulnerabilities. A narcissist knows very well how to manipulate you, and they will disguise their contact as an attempt to seek reconciliation, forgiveness, friendship, and even love.
Because hoovering is essentially about emotional survival for the narcissist, they will often go to extreme extents to get your engagement. They will lie, pretend, and coerce you in any way they can so that they can get what they’re truly craving: power, control, and validation. If you feel that you’re being stalked, don’t hesitate to contact the police. Narcissistic abuse is a very real issue.
Here are some of the best ways to end the cycle of narcissistic abuse:
- Change your phone number, email, and social media accounts (or block his/her number)
- Pay attention to the signs that you’re being hoovered and know these hoovering manipulation tactics inside out so that you can identify them when they occur
- Set a firm rule that you will NOT contact, acknowledge or respond to the narcissist in any way, shape or form
- Learn to love and take care of yourself (read this article on how to love yourself more for tips)
- Join a narcissist support group
- Develop mindfulness so that you can become aware of your emotional triggers
- Try google the ‘gray rock method‘ if you’ve been lured back into a relationship
I truly hope these actions can help you regain a sense of personal clarity, confidence, and empowerment once again as you recover from the narcissist’s hoovering mind games.
Eventually, the narcissist’s tactics WILL stop. The sooner you completely ignore every one of their attempts to lure you in, the sooner they will realize that they have no control over you anymore.
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Are you experiencing hoovering? Do you know someone who is? What advice can you share that can help others? Please share below.
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I was ghosted almost 10 months ago after a 22 year semi-intimate relationship and some very private pictures of us got revealed to a friend we know and it freaked her out. Anyway I think I recieved my first hoover last week but I think I scared her away by sending two voicemails yesterday and the day before, which was foolish of me, to her iphone even though I’m blocked. The first voicemail was me thanking her for the twenty two wonderful years I got to spend with her and the second one was of me apologizing for my carelessness and allowing her to be humiliated in front of our friend which by the time I finished my apologizing, I was bawling like a baby because I felt so guilty and I had to hang up before I was done. I really hope she didnt listen to either of them and just deleted both. Her iphone still shows unread voice mails but it does’nt ring or show any alerts from that blocked caller, About my Hoover, if it actually was that. My ex works at a hospital in Orlando, Fl in an area called Winter Park as a BSN charge nurse. Her and I both moved from miami to the east coast, me to Daytona beach and her in Cocoa beach about 35 miles apart but we still saw each other quite often. She would drive the 30 or 40 miles to the hospital where she works 3 or 4 days a week since she has 12 hour shifts and is usually “off” 3 or 4 days a week. My incident about the supposed hoover is strange. I went no contact for 5 months and I get a “FaceTime” call from a nurse I didn’t reconize wearing a face mask and the background looked like a hospital setting but I’m not sure. She asked to speak to a person I didnt know and we hung up 20 or 25 seconds later. What got my attention is her area code and the first 3 degits of her number is in an area within 6 or 8 miles from the hospital in winter park and how did she get the Miami phone number. It’s an odd number and is a number I’ve had for close to twenty years. I don’t know area codes and prefixes from other cities and states. Is this just a coincidence??
After reading many comments here, remember we wake up and grow and learn when we do. Its true nobody does anything to you you do it to yourself by putting yourself in the situation. When we take responsibility for where we are what we do what we say etc then we can look at our self worth and pick it up and walk away, out of the line of the fire. Yes some situations are complex and some women need a lot of support and legal advice. Most of us are playing out childhood trauma and repeating patterns until we are aware enough to break them and take responsibility
What a fabulous article, I read it whenever I doubt myself and to remember the hoovering tactics that my ex continues to try to use. I met him after 10months of little contact to discuss why he wasn’t signing divorce papers, and also to face my fear of seeing him. He begged pleaded said how how he had changed etc etc, yet I went to listen to my inner voice and feel my body in his presence and the surprising thing was I felt neither strong repel or pull which was good just able to sit and observe and
I realised he was hoping for me to fall into him, he tried to hug me and I put my hands up and said no. If he had changed he would have tuned in and respected my boundaries so I realised In the first 30seconds he was there for what he wanted.
My ex I would say was a covert victim narcissist and with a porn addiction and I gave him several. opportunities to come clean and change, 3 strikes and you’re out. When I realised what hoovering was I got it and when you see it you flee it and when you know you go. I also got the most valuable lesson for myself in this relationship and I’m grateful for that, so I don’t ever make the same choices and mistakes again.
Wow. You’re generous! With me, it’s 1 strike and you’re out!
I very much relate to this, unfortunately. As well as sympathize. going through this right now. Being exploited , it seriously sucks.
Its’ been seven months since I was cruelly discarded. The hoovering has been nonstop… seven months! Calls, emails, texts, came by my house a couple times. I’ve ignored everything.
Contact law enforcement. In many states, there are laws to protect you from unwanted contact.
Don’t feel sorry or decide this is too extreme. Take some action while you can.
Go no contact. I felt like I couldnt so in order to set boundaries I kept saying: “you cannot force me you have no right to force me. Yes you are forcing me. You cant go against my will. My lawyer knows everything I told her everything.” Tell your story to somewhome you trust or a lawyer. They need to know that a higher authority knows your story. Try to protect yourself from these evil human beings. I went through hell and now… I AM FREE.
I would say I am highly sensitive person, and also that I have been in some narcissit-empath bad relationships. But, I do recall doing some of this things to a friend. I mean, some, not all. After having a great fight (the fault was, in my opinion, maybe of both of us), I was the one calling and texting her, apologizing (which doesn’t mean I take all the blame, just that I apoligize for MY part) and telling her that I have changed MY bad behavoirs, learned from them and that I truly care about her.
Can that be consider as hooving?
Later on, I realized I cannot have any human relationship or pretend to have it, nor even a friendship, where I take my part of the blame in a conflict, apologize and forgive for her bad behavoir, if that person won’t even admit what they did wrong, and even would treat me as if I were the one acting crazy for just wanting to fix things, talk as adults and for just saying “hey, I care about you, I would like to fix things”. I also said that if after all of this she just doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, I would understand, that maybe I don’t want to be her friend also if we fight so much, but after almost 15 years of friendship, I just wanted to end things on a more mature, peacefull way. Is that hoovering, did I deserve to be treated badly for saying that things to her, as if I was crazy?
To be honest, I’ve had some relationships in my life with people I can now easily relate as narcissist or energy vampires (even tough, I take of course part of the blame for that toxic human interactions, because it was of course my fault to allow that! Also would like to add that I don’t think I am the victim in this, I would say a narcissist wouls suffer too in this process, is bad for both), and I am happy because I’ve learned a lot and hope things like this won’t happen to me in the future.
But, with this person I am so confused,I cannot relate her exactly to any of the behavoirs you describe. It would be easier to move on from this chapter in my life If I could acknowledge what was exactly, what happened. But, with her leaving without any answer or closure, full of anger and bad intentions towards me;and me not being able to identify her as anything in particular, I feel lost. We were Friends since school and all the way through college. She was sometimes a bit weird (searched for example on the Deep web for live crimes,ilegal videos of bloody abortions…) and did “weird” things like if we were meeting somewhere, cancelled without telling me and then never pick up her phone… I have more Friends, and went to parties, organized parties… She only had me, because when people tought she was nice and tried to be Friends with her, she was weird with them and made them go away. She told me she had social anxiety, so I tought let’s be patient with her cancelling plans and things like that. But, does having anxiety justifies being so inconsiderate? I wasn’t her friend because I needed her because I didn’t, but because I truly appreciated her. And I understood her (at least, tried), and I was patient with her behavoirs because I could understand how she felt and I didn’t wanted to think she was a bad person. Anyway, I am probably not perfect too, nobody is. I always apologize if I think I acted badly, always try to talk about things that upset us. But she never apologizes, and she doesn’t accept me the way I am. She always complains about everything I do or like, that I talk too much, that I party too much, I like clothes and make-up and im a bit “stupid” for that. But she is obsessed with death and dark things, and I never juzged her for that, I just wanted to understand her and accept her. We had a very stupid fight over whatsapp, and then she blocked me. Was not the first time, and that is why I tried to contact her after a few weeks and talk about what happened in a more mature way, but she was way too mean with me, that now I really began to think that maybe all this years she was never my friend at all. But what kind of person is she then? I would need to understand it better in order to move on, and not no be treated like that in the future or not to do things wrong myself as I probably did here. Is her behavoir narcissist? What did I do wrong?
I know this is a long message, I didn’t know how to write it shorter since the story is long, but I bought the book about empaths, and it helped me a lot with a lot of things in my life, but with this in particular, I can’t seem to find the right answer. Would love to see it from other perspectives. Thanks so much! I really love the energy you create and how you help people. Honestly, now I understand my self better :)
Your friend might have been autistic or something like that (socially clumsy and inaproppriate, lacking empathy, detached from emotions, socially disintegrated), but I’m no expert (although autistic myself). Constant picking on you and complaining looks like a really sadistic behaviour (although maybe just blatantly insensitive and straightforward, autists do happen to have that), and to me it does look like there has never been a lot of sincere friendly feeling on her part, because such disregard as she showed you is simply not possible if you truly care about someone and are able to empathise with them. That said, I don’t think she just wanted to be mean with you, maybe she had a very vulnerable self-esteem and sensitivity to rejection, and felt too offended (and didn’t have the capacity or self-reflection to care what you felt). I don’t think she was a truly narcissic predator, and it’s never that straightforward and simple with all these personality types and disorders, all’s mixed. I really advise you to read “Neurosis and Human Growth” by Karen Horney (and her other books backwards from the last), if you want a deeper understanding of human psychology, of yourself and others. Yes, that book is old and it does not operate in modern terminology (but these personality types are more of a formality if you understand the common currents underneath), and it’s ingenious and incredibly deep and enticing. You can even read if for free in an on-line library (site is called “archive”). Hope it will be enough to give you some closure.
I am autistic also, but I think that sometimes it is not that we lack empathy, but rather that we have too much. This makes it easy for narcissists to manipulate us. I have tried to combat this by focusing upon symbiotic relationships as healthiest. The first step seems to be acknowledging one’s abilities and potential,before significantly embracing support of others. Then recognize whether you are supporting their development or ongoing victim identity.
When you want to change the ending of the past, you are hoovering. When you say you take part of the blame, you are deflecting your role in this sad repeat of a relationship. Stop contacting this person and get some help.
You are an abuser and you will need help to stop. You don’t need to understand anything better, except that you will not stop contacting this person without help.
But do keep in mind, also autistic people can have NPD. Just like BPD where 39% has also NPD. Same goes for ADHD, they recommend to have a therapist around 50 cause they are vulnerable to create a personality disorder next to it. Everyone ‘especially when they didn’t learn with themselves/petted on unhealthy socialization next to it, can develope NPD
Second of all: Some need closure due to cognitives reasons. I have a hard time with ‘no closure as well’ especially when this has happened already several times.
Nearly 6 years with a narc with the last 2 him using the hoovering technique. With the understanding of hoovering/gaslighting I feel powerful enough to play him at his own game without destroying my own self worth by feeling I am to blame for his problems. Answer his texts saying you are sorry this has happened but don’t give him any current info on yourself. Let him text speak about the weather anything but get into how you feel. Narcs in my experience feel good when you feel bad so simply don’t let them know you feel bad and they will get bored. Cutting them off telling them how they made you feel only makes them feel powerful and coming back for more each time. Little by little they will pull back and you dont need to feel distraught about it because you gave them no info to use against you for the 100th time. It confuses them and they will give up, discarding is a word often used in these articles but if you give them nothing but polite conversation they cannot discard they can only give up in my opinion.
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Hoovering…hmmm….interestingly enough how strange it appears to be more affective when you can “Label” it…nothing is out the ordinary, it’s the process that one goes thru upon dealing with an individual that has no confidence and therefore seeks those out whom they have either an “sense” of an emotion that they particularly found appealing not only one they are able mould, work with…manipulate, use, control, whatever it is they need to feel that “sense” or emotion that they thirst..til another, better more useful comes along….like we all have intuition that screams whether it reveals to us in anger or self pity..eventually you must realize that the person you were before this individual entered your life, is fighting with you by means of …..
1) IF YOU MAKE EXCUSES FOR HAVING THIS PERSON IN YOUR LIFE, THEIR BEHAVIOR, THEIR FEELINGS/ACTIONS….AND IN THE END YOU BLAME YOU….
2)FEAR AND ANXIETY AWAIT THE SHOE TO DROP
3)WHY DIDNT THEY MEAN IT BEFORE, DIDNT ENRICH YOUR LIFE THE FIRST TIME, IF NOT WILLING TO CRAWL…SEE YA..RUN THERWISE…
you’re doing to yourself….everyone is allowed to wear the victim badge…not a soul who hasnt suffered…but…only you can respect yourself enough to stop the abuse..period..so do the work, go thru the process and respect who you are if you back….only you’re to blame
lol another freaking Label…guess its means something now eh, haha how many are going to say “forgive the hoovering for they have been traumatized and its “learned behavior ” and it’s the only way they know how to love…yup away my ass rolled my eyes so far back..keep labeling people need the excuses to combat the syndromes….
all the best…truly…
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I am being hoovered and it is a very scary ordeal. It would take too long to explain the relationship I had with this person so I’ll start at the end. She left me in 2018 and actually married someone. She contacted me a year later and claimed he was abusing her etc. We ended up together and got a place with the plans of her divorcing him and marrying me. While we were living together they started texting and talking and she left me on Christmas Eve. Unbelievable. I spent thousands of dollars on her….so I go no contact. I can’t block her on the phone. If I do she can still leave messages. So I was in so much shock that I left my phone in my van and basically went no contact with everyone. Then the calls started coming in. I did hear from her best friend saying that she wasn’t happy and wanted me back. So she started calling Jan. 2 and she has left 12 long voicemails and basically filled up my voicemail. I have not listened to them but haven’t erased them either. Then she showed up at my work and put a basket of things in my van including a note saying she was so damn sorry and that there is now a hole in her heart that only I can fill. I didn’t respond to anything. This is April and I have been in counseling for years because of this person. So last week I had the courage to look at my text messages and wouldn’t you know it. On Feb 3 she texted “I know I made a huge mistake. We are it! You are my lion…..” and on Valentine’s Day she texted “Happy Valentines Day I miss you so much. I wish we still had our place…..” THEN on Feb 24 I found a card under my windshield at work and it was the most beautiful card in the world. It said you make me feel like the person I was meant to be the one who loves and is loved by you. And in her handwriting This is why I love you…..then the hoovering stopped. Until a few weeks ago. She has called since Mar 26 and left 3 more voicemails. The last one on April 4 for 3 minutes. I am scared to death to listen to them. But it is also tempting to hear them. And I struggle with this whole thing. The card said things like we are at home in each other’s arms and we can work anything out as long as we listen to each other and that she misses my smile etc. Anyway since she went back to him I have had to rebuild my life from scratch. I had basically no money and have had to move 3 times. The last place I lived, my roommates shot the windows out of my van with a gun and I have been fighting for my life it has been pure hell and it is because of this person. I have thought about texting her but I just can’t do it.
Only a heartless person would do to you what she did. The only hope for your survival is to maintain no contact, that means STOP listening to messages, don’t read texts, don’t go anywhere near her. These people will find a way back in to start abusing you all over again if you don’t stay far away from them. Cut off communication with her friend as well. Move on with your life and make her a thing of the past. You can do it. Prayer and meditation helps. Focusing on securing a safe place to live should be paramount and will keep your mind occupied on doing something positive for yourself. The right woman is out there and when you are healed and ready to love her, she will appear. God bless you.