When we start our healing paths, spiritual journeys, and inner quests for living a meaningful life, we’re often taught that the ego is our #1 enemy.
The ego is the source of our suffering. The ego is out to undermine us. The ego destroys our every happiness.
You’ve heard it all before.
Soul Work Compass Course:
Is a vague sense of emptiness lurking beneath the surface? It’s time to reclaim your life. The Soul Work Compass Course helps you break free from self-doubt and repetitive pain. Don’t just survive – thrive by creating a personalized map for your future. Start your journey to profound self-discovery and authentic life direction now.
And while that has some degree of truth, this teaching can actually be quite destructive.
Table of contents
The Trap Nobody Talks About: You Can’t Transcend a Self You Never Built
When I first started the inner path, I was totally convinced that my ego was the enemy – and it resulted in me trying, both actively and passively, to seek its ultimate destruction for about a decade.
I was taught that killing your ego was meant to be a “spiritual” and “awakened” thing to do. It’s something that’s supposed to make you enlightened or free you from all your trauma.
What I didn’t realize until much later was that we actually need our ego to survive, set boundaries, and stay safe in the world. Yes, it can be a pain in the ass. But when you learn how to be mindful, it doesn’t have to overtake your life.
I’ve written about the dark side of non-duality and other dissociating spiritual paths before. But I’ll keep things simple here.
In the words of counselor and teacher John Bradshaw,
A strong integrated ego gives you a sense of confidence and control … Paradoxical as it may seem, your ego needs to be strong enough to let go of its limited defensiveness and control. You need a strong ego to transcend ego.
Let me repeat this message in my own words again. You need a strong sense of self before you can transcend that sense of self.
Want to get LonerWolf at the top of your Google search results?
Stop Trying to Dissolve Your Ego – You Don’t Even Have One Yet
Self-alienation is a major issue in our world.
Not only is it created by early life trauma, but this inner estrangement is also brought about simply by living in our modern society.
Technology, endless notifications, addictive social media, and fast-paced lifestyles have a way of dissociating us from ourselves, causing us to live externally-driven lives.
What’s worse is when we experience a crisis and become lone wolves in search of meaning and clarity, we still come up against self-alienating teachings – those that place our power in the hands of others.
But without having a clearly defined sense of self, and without having access to Self (with a capital ‘S’, aka, the Soul), we won’t get very far. It’s no wonder we keep feeling stuck, lost, or as though something is missing.
What’s missing is our own embodied and grounded sense of self!
In her book The Hero Within, author Carol S. Pearson writes,
Without a self, it really is not possible to either give much love or take it in. In the latter case, when people play a role to get love or respect—and hide who they really are (which may well be a mass of neediness)—they never really feel loved for themselves. It is the role that feels loved.
Even if you feel that you have a strong sense of self, go spend a couple of hours with your extended family or a group of strangers. Do you still feel secure and grounded within yourself? Or do you feel insecure, overwhelmed, easily hurt, or immediately enter a false role or mask?
That’s a sign that your ego isn’t as stable as you think it may be.
The Ego Isn’t Your Enemy – Self-Alienation Is
Self-alienation is Soul Loss – the loss of connection with your deeper self, which is at the heart of the Dark Night of the Soul. It is the dark core wound simmering beneath all anxiety, depression, and emptiness.
Would you like to save this?
We'll email this article to you, so you can come back to it later!
Your information will never be shared.
It is also multifaceted. We can be both alienated from our little ‘s’ self (ego) and big ‘S’ Self (Soul). We can both lack a strong and healthy sense of “me and my boundaries” and be devoid of a sense of Greater Self.
Sure, the ego at first glance may appear to be the enemy. Those voices in your head saying mean things to you are unpleasant – no one would deny that.
But the deeper issue isn’t those nasty voices or even arrogance or stubbornness. It’s lacking a secure inner base. It’s never having a healthy or well-developed sense of self to begin with.
The real issue here is developing a false self in place of an authentic, or true self. And this all originates when we’re very little. I explore this more in my core wound post that explores the primal wound of separation.
Physician and author Charles Whitfield describes the process of self-alienation well,
When our alive True Self goes into hiding, in order to please its parent figure and to survive, a false, co-dependent self emerges to take its place. We thus lose our awareness of our True Self to such an extent that we actually lose awareness of its existence. We lose contact with who we really are. Gradually, we begin to think we are that false self—so that it becomes a habit, and finally an addiction.
How to Stop the Self-Alienation (and Develop a Healthier Sense of Self)
The older I get, the more deeply psychospiritual my approach to life becomes. We need both sides of the spectrum to thrive.
In psychology, developing a healthier and more robust sense of self is known as “ego strength.” This is the ability to maintain a strong sense of self and withstand stress, despite what life throws at you. Carl Jung called it “individuation.”
How do we develop a solid, grounded, healthy, and balanced sense of self? There are so many avenues – and this website is full of them:
- Commit to journaling every day. (Start with these inner work journals.)
- Take quality personality tests and learn more about yourself. (See these tests.)
- Discover your deeper core needs, values, wounds, and beliefs. (See the Soul Work Compass Course.)
- Regularly spend time in solitude to get to know yourself.
- Set boundaries and learn how to say no.
- Lay off mind-altering psychedelics (aka, LSD, psilocybin, mescaline, cannabis, DMT).
- Do grounding and embodying meditation, like focusing on your breath or body scans (skip the “ego killing” kinds).
- Spend time around safe people/pets with whom you feel relaxed – those who can mirror you.
- Avoid dissociating spiritual paths (aka, astral projection, neo-advaita teachings, holotropic breathwork, kundalini yoga, etc.)
- Work with somatic and nervous system healing-oriented paths.
- Try bibliotherapy (reading to rediscover yourself) and using the tarot as a form of therapeutic self-discovery (non-divinatory).
- Learn how to practice self-care and take time to slow down each day.
Let me know if I’ve missed any and suggest them in the comments. ;)
***
For further reading on this topic, I recommend the following posts:
- What is the Ego? Should it Be Destroyed?
- Why You Need to Forget Positivity, Keep Your Ego and Embrace Your Darkness
- The Silent Trauma of Self-Alienation: Why You Feel Like a Stranger in Your Own Skin
Tell me, what is your experience with “ego killing” and self-alienation? If you have a weak sense of self, what makes the experience worse? I’d love to hear in the comments.
Whenever you feel the call, there are 2 ways I can help you:
1. The Soul Work Compass Course: Ready for deep transformation without the fluff? The Soul Work Compass provides a step-by-step path to finding your inner truth and life direction. Heal core wounds, clarify your values, and walk away with a concrete guide for living. Get started now!
2. The Inner Work Journal Bundle: Stop surface-level healing. Dive into the depths with 150+ journaling prompts designed to help you face your demons, heal childhood wounds, and embrace your shadow. Three sacred journals, lifetime access, print as many times as you need. Real transformation starts here.
Hello Luna and Sol, actually the email about ‘Intuitive Spiritual Guidance for 2026’ is meant for me.
However, there is something that I need enough clarity on about.
‘Don’t let the inner child take over the reins. You are a self-sovereign individual with the power to choose your perception of reality. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.’
What does this mean exactly? And can you give me an example of this?
“Shrinking The Judge – Freeing the Inner Child” – by Rick & Rosalie Malter can be of great help while trying to figure ourselves out – it did for me. This book gets right to the point, is real, a great worthwhile read.
Also, we get lost outside of ourselves when those moments of preoccupation with others possesses us – someone driving in a nice $$expensive car – someone with a wonderfull upbringing/great Brady Bunch Beaver cleaver parents while we come from dysfunction – being alone while others enjoying exciting social lives – etc.
These things can trigger those riding that delicate path back to themselves negatively, and if they do, it’s perfectly normal, and tell yourself you can get back up on that horse.
Also, is anyone here familiar with Ayn Rand?
Her writing style is abit too much & excessively too long – but some of the gist of her characters have to do with those whom have eaten up their egos due to political and/or societal pressures.
I so appreciated your take on this, Aletheia! While I suppose our sense of self evolves naturally over the years, I’m finding that I want to go deeper in my forties and unearth who I really want to be in this life. It’s amazing how much we can get thrown off our natural ways by life…but I guess that’s part of the adventure!
What you write reminds me of what Dante wrote in the Inferno: “In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods where the straight way was lost.” Sounds like you’ve entered an inner journey of self-illumination, Freyja!
Hmm killing your ego seems to me like killing an integral part of yourself. It’s just another part of you, so why would you do that? Spirit is the real you. It includes ego. Let it out. Let it ‘be.’
I acknowledge Religion, but it’s not for me. It always felt wrong, when I was a kid I asked why there wasn’t just one Religion instead of all these & all I got was “now be a good lad & don’t ask so many questions!” Sound familiar? This kid likes sensible answers, so off I went fact finding.
I heard about Universal Law when I was older & ready to bend my head around it. Some call it Karma, but I found it far more. The phrase “you get out of life what you put into it” worked for me, except I found that you got far more good back when you give selflessly.
I just try to be kind, but be nobody’s fool. Seems to work!
If I want reassurance, I can look at the stars at night for grounding. I’m looking at Eternity & at Infinity at the same time. No ‘big bang’, but an ongoing multitude of smaller bangs – remember it’s in Infinity, it has no beginning, no end.
You pass, that most definitely is not the end of things!
Powerful stuff, tip – just accept – with our finite minds it’s sometimes hard to imagine…x
I love stargazing, it’s such a profound practice. Want a mystical experience? Go look at the stars every night for a week. :) Thanks for sharing Charlie
Attempting to destroy an inborn part of oneself is self mutilation. People who attempt that are both psychologically and spiritually immature. It is akin to the oh so holy men in India who twist their genitals around a stick in order to escape desire and live solely in spirit. The only state they achieve is one of pain and regret.
No, do not throw away a piece in your own puzzle later to complain there is something wrong with the puzzle since you can´t see the full picture. It is obvious you have to merge both what could be called your ego and your soul, i.e spirit. Your Self consists of ALL you attribute to God Almighty which is obvious since you yourself is the divine consequence of your creator.
New age is not for me. Never will be.
Jesus Christ is. Always will be.
But I think people misunderstand Christ, especially so called Christians. They honestly do not follow Christ. They follow their petrified ego. This path leads not to liberation neither does it lead to salvation. It leads to mutilation.
As someone who is still suffering the impacts of religious trauma due to a fundamentalist Christian upbringing, I’ve come to realize there are many valid paths. There are many perspectives. Christianity can be warped by immature minds who are convinced of their own self-righteousness, or used to be genuinely helpful to self and others (the mature mind). I’ll leave it at that.
thankyou, Ego is A “f” ING bitch yet it Can be A useful one too Guide Us Deeper , depends How we Connect with our Inner Spirits guides … Have fun with it Though… it’s a tool for Growth & Directions too the Next Path… I know I Am on this Journey for the Right Reasons… Meditation & Smell of The Ocean & sounds of Water Nature Will Heal Me too the Core… Be blessed All this Given Day will help My Journey, God Bless Us All & Thankyou 🥰 for Spirits “Inner Wolf ” , be Well & Safe you guys Love TRUEN 🌈🥰🌈 & Trax
Thank you, Darryll. Lots of love 💜
Why stay away from kundalini yoga?
For someone with a fragmented, wounded or underdeveloped sense of self, kundalini yoga can be particularly dangerous, especially if the “serpent fire” energy is awoken.
So true. once unleashed, it can’t be put back into its basket. it literally burns itself a way forward. This is what lands people in mental institutions or worden. Kundalini rises on its own account when the person works selflessly in the world, thus practicing Love. This is what clears the path for Kundalini naturally.
Early on when I just got on this path I also thought that the ego had to go… That’s a very dangerous teaching say that the ego must go in order to ascend… I came to realize that the ego is needed for certain things such as bathing, wearing clean clothes, cleaning my house etc… I fully get it that my life isn’t to be ego driven… I was created with an ego so it does play a part but not a dominating role…
I like this balanced approach, Mark. And I agree. :)
I experienced a transient “ego death” during a spiritual awakening, however you define that.
Fortunately I was in a situation where I could take time out and let the process unfold. It was frightening and disorientating, and if I had have been forced to negotiate the occupational and social world at the time, it would have totally destabilized and devoured me. So yes, in the real world you need an ego, you need a certain amount of armour, because otherwise you’ll end up prey.
Just witness the psychological and sexual abuse inflicted on “ego-free” religious cult devotees. Or even in ostensibly benign Christian contemplative and Buddhist groups.
Humanity has a dark, predatory and sadistic side. No amount of toxic positivity will evaporate that brute fact. Love means an expansive awareness and feeling for beauty and connection, but also disabused critical awareness. There’s nothing spiritual about willful naivite.
WARNING: this got embarrassingly lengthy!
I LOVE this! It resonates so deeply!!!! Like you, I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian church that bordered on being a cult. I am an empath, a free spirit, an Enneagram 4. This religion was a terrible fit for me. Everything I wanted was a sin. I was wrong for questioning and doubting. I felt so much fear, shame, and confusion. I also had an alcoholic abusive tyrannical dad (who wasn’t part of the church). I lived in fear of sinning or of displeasing my dad and was a total people-pleaser, always focused on others and what they were feeling and what they wanted me to be. I wasn’t allowed to have a self or a Self. I left the religion at age 22 but it took YEARS for me to feel truly free and to feel I was allowed to be myself. But I had no idea HOW to be myself or who that self really was. I latched on to others to anchor me, usually a romantic partner. I was totally dependent emotionally. My whole identity and sense of self was wrapped up on others, in external roles. In 2014 my partner of 5 years (with whom I had a young child) left me after lying to me for years, gaslighting me, emotionally and verbally abusing me horribly. I was 44 and it was the first time since age 17 that I hadn’t been someone’s partner. I didn’t leave a relationship until I had another lined up. I felt absolutely unmoored and adrift. it was terrifying!!! I had a mental health breakdown. All the childhood trauma I had kept pushed down came rushing up and out, as well as the more recent trauma.
Fast-forward. I am 56 now. I’m single and have been for several years. I have no desire to have another relationship at this time. I want to finally fully discover my true self. I want to have a strong anchor within. Also, I am newly sober after numbing my pain with alcohol for 9 years. AA doesn’t resonate with me and actually makes me feel disempowered, with its emphasis on ‘character defects’ and smashing the ego. I am cobbling together my own recovery program, and it’s working. And Loner Wolf is one of my main resources:). So thank you and thank you for letting this loner wolf express herself to like-minded souls!
Thank you for taking the time to share here, Stefanie. There’s no need to apologise – I enjoy getting a glimpse into the lives and stories of those who read our work.
What a journey you’ve been on! Religious trauma is no joke … its effects are deep and wide ranging. I am actually reading a book on the topic right now that you may be interested in (if you haven’t already read it) . It’s called “When Religion Hurts You” by Laura E. Anderson. Highly recommended for your healing toolkit. It’s an honor to be included 💜