You love them. You hate them. Your heart burns, and your gut churns in their proximity.
Welcome to the world of karmic relationships.
One second, you’re laughing, the next, you’re screaming at each other.
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One minute, you embrace, the next, you swear you could kill them.
And yet, despite the ups and downs, you always seem to get pulled back into the sticky honey-like spider web of your relationship with them.
We all experience at least one karmic relationship in life – it’s part of our spiritual calling.
But the question is, how do we know if a certain spiritual relationship is karmic? What’s the purpose of karmic relationships? And is it healthy to stay in one or not?
Table of contents
What is a Karmic Relationship?
Tracing its origins back to ancient Eastern philosophy, a karmic relationship describes a connection between two people that has rekindled in this life from a previous incarnation (i.e., past life).
For whatever reason, the relationship we had in that past incarnation carries “unfinished business” and unresolved issues. Thus, in this lifetime, we’re tasked with clearing that karma for the enrichment and evolution of the Soul.
Another way of putting it is that karmic relationships are bonds created between the Souls of individuals who, before being born into this world, agreed to work their shit out. (Also known as creating a ‘Soul Contract.’)
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Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, karmic relationships (at the very least) can be seen as opportunities to learn major life lessons.
And no, karmic relationships don’t just occur between lovers, they’re also found among friends, family members, children, and even colleagues!
Soul Mate Relationships = Karmic Relationships?
You might be wondering at this point whether soul mate relationships are karmic relationships.
My answer is that sometimes they are, but usually they’re not.
To summarize:
Soul mates are people in our lives whom we connect with on a deep level.
A soul mate connection feels gentle yet fierce, deep but easy. (As such, it’s unlikely to be karmic.)
It’s common to confuse karmic relationships with soul mate connections. Sometimes, the two go hand-in-hand. Yet, overall, a soul mate relationship is designed to help us more than harm us.
Again, there’s a fine line between help and harm. Sometimes, for instance, something that harms us can eventually help us, and vice versa.
But generally, it’s easy to tell the difference between soul mate and karmic relationships.
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A karmic relationship smells like musky tobacco while a soul mate relationship smells like roses and jasmine or frankincense and myrrh.
So, when it comes to distinguishing between these relationships, it’s helpful to remember that there’s a difference between a karmic lesson and a karmic relationship.
If your relationship is like a non-stop rollercoaster, it’s probably karmic. But if you have arguments and dramas from time to time (what relationship doesn’t?), it’s probably a karmic lesson you’re in the process of learning.
Spiritual Awakening and Karmic Relationships
There is a large glimmering red ruby hidden at the core of karmic relationships. The treasure to be found must be earned, and it can take time, patience, and tremendous humility.
The gift I’m talking about is spiritual evolution (involution) and soulful maturation.
Karmic relationships are the doorway to deeper growth, expansion, and freedom. As irritating and upsetting as they are, they’re an opportunity to return to the Truth of Who We Are.
But this chance to awaken doesn’t come easily. Who said it would?
The nature of life is that there must be friction to grow. A baby chick must peck its way out of the shell. A seedling must push out of the earth. A newborn is squeezed and screamed out of the womb.
We, too, must go through this process of tension and release, death and rebirth.
And yet, despite the blood, sweat, and tears, we eventually realize that our pain never diminished our essence, it forged it. Our egos may be shattered, but our souls can never be touched.
Perhaps that is the biggest spiritual lesson of karmic relationships: they open us to the power of Love through the gateway of letting go.
They remind us of who we truly are.
Read more: Spiritual Awakening: 23 Major Signs and Symptoms »
19 Signs + STAGES You’re in a Karmic Relationship
We’ve all seen karmic relationships play out in literature and mythology before.
Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Catherine and Heathcliff – all of these karmic stories teach us something.
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But it can be hard to know whether we’re in a karmic relationship or not. And if so, what to do next.
Here are some helpful signs to look out for written primarily for those in karmic romantic relationships. (But please note that not all karmic relationships are romantic.):
1. Irresistibly drawn to them
The moment you met, you both had an instant connection. It was as if you were magnetized to each other. It all felt so mysterious and predestined. You either hated or loved them at first – there was no middle ground.
2. They’re addictive
As you got to know them, you fell further down the rabbit hole. Something about them was intoxicating – like an addictive mixture of chocolate, wine, and heroin. You just can’t get enough of them. Staying away feels like going through drug withdrawal!
3. Experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions
The more time you spend around them, the more your emotional life is sent into a tailspin. You swing between love, hate, lust, disgust, laughter, and rage. The highs are very high, and the lows are very low.
4. Constant drama
As your emotions bounce up and down, so does the relationship. You both seem to attract or create drama and play unconscious games with each other.
5. Something feels ‘off’
Your gut instincts begin to kick in and a feeling of heaviness, discomfort, or dread sits in the pit of your stomach. Deep down, you can’t shake away the feeling that something is terribly off in your relationship. You try to ignore this feeling, dismissing it as paranoia or silliness.
6. You don’t feel safe
Being authentically vulnerable with them feels scary, genuinely. Can they be trusted with your precious heart? In truth, you don’t know if you can really trust them due to their track record.
When you do open up, they can’t hold space for you. They’re either too wound up in their own problems or they flat-out reject you. In the end, you don’t feel safe enough to be your full self around them.
7. The sex is amazing
Sexually, you have a hot, intense, and wild connection. You’ve never experienced such amazing sex in your life. And yet afterward, something feels lacking. The connection is deliciously carnal but also addictive as it keeps you stuck in the same old place.
8. Repetitive cycles and patterns
The same negative patterns keep popping up no matter how much you think you’ve “worked through” them together. Either they are not holding up their side of the relationship, or you aren’t.
For instance, if one of you has had an affair, chances are that it has happened multiple times, and will continue. Even small irritations keep emerging in increasingly provocative and infuriating ways.
9. Communication issues
Let’s face it, the two of you aren’t the best communicators. There are a lot of unspoken assumptions, prejudice, judgment, and skipping to conclusions quickly. When you’ve tried to communicate openly, it just hasn’t worked the way you intended, no matter how much you try.
10. Anger and rage
At any given time, the two of you are like matches just waiting to be lit. One of you will tend to bottle up that anger (which turns into rage), and the other tends to explode whenever irritations occur. You both have a special way of pushing each other’s buttons.
11. They bring out the worst in you
Your shadow selves (i.e., dark side) relish dancing with each other, and you’re often shocked by their behavior and your own. Sometimes you’re left wondering, “Who am I/who are they really?” Despite the fact that they bring out the worst in you, you can’t imagine life without them. You just don’t want to let go.
12. Energy drain and exhaustion
Being in this relationship is tiring. You feel mentally and emotionally drained around them, but chances are that you blame yourself for these feelings.
The truth is that if you feel perpetually exhausted, the process of letting go has already been initiated. The relationship just isn’t destined to last, and you’ll eventually feel compelled to leave.
13. Your morals and values are tested
You tolerate behavior from them that you would never stand for in another person. Perhaps you enable one of their addictions, or you adopt shady ethics. Whatever the case, your character is being tested.
What are you willing to put up with? Where do you draw the line? At what point do you say no?
14. Self-sabotage and self-destructiveness
Strangely, it’s as if you’re both drawn to try and sabotage each other’s happiness. It might be a sarcastic, off-handed comment or a full-blown act of malice.
The result is that you often feel like competitors, not a supportive team. There is an underlying darkness to your connection, and one (or both) of you tend to become more self-destructive.
15. One-sided codependency
Deep down, you feel that your happiness depends solely on their happiness. Whatever they say, think, or feel about you is immediately taken as the gospel truth. While you give-give-give, they take-take-take (or vice versa). And ultimately, your entire sense of self-worth is based on the way they behave.
16. Things begin to stagnate
At some point, you feel stuck. Your relationship feels like it’s stranded in a thick pit of tar. You try to take two steps forward but are drawn ten steps back. Anger, bitterness, anxiety, and depression soon follow. You are terrified of leaving this relationship, but it feels dead. You don’t know what to do.
17. Intense desire for answers
Fragile, exhausted, and disconnected, you begin searching for answers. Why does this relationship bring you so much pain? How can you resolve your issues together?
As you begin soul searching, you start evolving. You begin drawing back a sense of self-sovereignty. In many ways, you’re starting to evolve to the next level, yet this means you need to leave them behind. A split between the desire to stay and the desire builds within you.
Read more: Soul Searching: 7 Ways to Uncover Your True Path »
18. Struggle to let go
In all truth, you know that this relationship is unhealthy for you. Yet you can’t release the idea that you’re “destined to be together forever.” And besides, going out on your own feels frightening and overwhelming.
You may decide to leave, but again, you’re drawn back to them! The seductive and toxic cycle continues.
While some people can “cut the cord” and end the soul contract, others keep repeating the holding-on-letting-go cycle many times before emotional liberation.
19. Reconnecting with love and letting go
Eventually, the lessons have been learned. The karma has been cleared. Through the power of love, forgiveness, and a solid dose of boundary-setting, you are able to surrender and let go of your karmic relationship. This process might happen in your lifetime or in a future one, depending on how much inner work occurs.
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$3Should You Stay?
My response is that it depends.
Firstly, is it a karmic relationship, or is it some other kind of relationship with karmic lessons?
As I wrote previously in this article, if your relationship is like a non-stop rollercoaster, it’s probably karmic.
But if you have arguments and dramas from time to time (what relationship doesn’t?), it’s probably a karmic lesson you’re in the process of learning.
Secondly, nothing is black and white. Not all karmic relationships are destined to end – but most are.
Is the other person doing the work? Are they committed to growth and change? If so, cautiously proceed. It might be worth staying.
If the other person isn’t growing or evolving or committed to change, it’s better to end that relationship.
How to Let Go of a Karmic Relationship
Here’s some guidance:
- Reach out to others for mental, emotional, and spiritual support – we are biologically programmed to seek comfort in the presence of others, so try to call in (or build) a support network
- Decide how you will say goodbye – what’s the healthiest and swiftest way of bidding them farewell?
- Practice self-love and forgiveness – this will enable you to love and forgive them
- Be thankful and resolute – reflect on what you’re grateful for learning and be solid in your conviction to leave
- Listen to some healing meditations for spiritual nourishment
- Some guided breathwork might help you to release the ‘karmic cords’ that connect the two of you
- Actively practice letting go and letting be
- Do some deep listening and let yourself feel your feelings
- Begin to build the foundation of your new life
And remember to be gentle with yourself and be proud of how far you’ve come!
***
Karmic relationships can happen between us and partners, parents, children, friends, or anyone, in fact, who is part of our life.
These relationships offer tremendous illumination and the opportunity for spiritual evolution. But growing the Soul is often an arduous and perilous adventure.
And yet, like many things in life, karmic relationships are both tragic and beautiful pointers to our True Essence that flourishes through the power of love.
I hope this guidance has helped you. Please feel welcome to share how your karmic relationship has ultimately enriched your life.
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OMG i am blown away reading this article about karmic relationship. i have 100% been in a karmic relationship for the past 2 years. all 19 steps i can relate to perfectly. reading this i felt as if you were sharing my EXACT life story the past 2 years. although my karmic relationship has recently ended (haven’t spoken to him in 3.5 weeks) i am still at that stage of scared to let him go. until today i had no idea i was in a karmic relationship. i honestly thought that maybe he was my twin flame b/c of the intense familiar connection. however, there is so much mixed info out there about twin flames that i realize now that twin flames are usually not toxic, correct? (im still learning). although, this article is SUPER helpful, i still feel left with questions and answers. mostly about the past lives i shared with my guy. what happened to us? why aren’t we meant for each other? does he feel (in this life) the same as i do in terms of this being a toxic / karmic relationship? it has felt that every single thing you listed out was happening to me… not him. i was the chaser, the giver, the nurturer, the one always feeling misunderstood, ghosted, left, frustrated, and addicted. he did profess DEEP love and admiration for me, but he was the one who was able to sleep well at night. he was the one who was less frustrated and worried. so what does all this mean? i am still confused and lost. what is the lesson that i am supposed to learn? is there a lesson for him as well? the thought of never figuring this all out haunts me. especially if we are truly not meant to ever live happily ever after. please help!!
I hope you don’t mind me commenting to say that my current situation sounds very similar to yours. How are you feeling about your decision now? Are the lessons becoming clearer with time?
Thank you got explaining those things i really didn’t understand.
♡
Wow, I read the comments by all these beautiful people and suddenly know I am not alone living this half life. I’ve been in a relationship in this lifetime with my husband for 20+ years. We have two amazing teenagers – one at college/university and the other finishing school this year. This is my third life with him – in one, we were ‘friends’ in a monastery where I lost my belief and left, the second as husband and wife where he became ill and I was left to tend the farm alone whilst he was bedridden and the third is still hazy but was one where I was left ‘wearing the pants’. In this lifetime, we have faced so many life changing hurdles (not as many as some, but a little more than most) – only in this lifetime I feel I am aware of everything going on and now I have made the decision to cut the cords on this and end our karmic relationship. We are toxic together – we don’t argue or fight, instead he gaslights me and has a forked tongue. I am left feeling weak and useless with no backbone. I am isolated from family and friends and even when I’m fighting my own demons (from childhood and my twenties), he says I’m weak and pathetic. Our marriage ‘ended’ five years ago (when I ‘died’ for him – literally – I decided this had to end) and we have been living a platonic marriage – we live under the same roof and share the same bed. I am regaining my sovereignty, I am regaining my financial independence, I am constantly working on my own misgivings and darkness, I am beginning to love myself and respect myself and honour myself again. I am taking back my life. This article ‘reinforced’ what I needed to clarify – I can end this so we can both be happy and we can pass each other in the street and feel no animosity. That’s where I’d like it to go. Thank you for this, the information has only reinforced my foundations. med ære Raven
Thank you for sharing this with us! I feel I am on a rollercoaster that I’m not being let off of, a karmic relationship that I ended romantically 4 years ago. The difficulty here is three things; I have a child with the person, he wants to be back together with me and won’t let go of me emotionally, and I also suffered emotional abuse from this person for years. I feel I’ve learned my lessons from this connection, which has led me to self growth and learning how to love myself after going through such a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist. I’ve been reading on how to end these relationships. Is there anything I should be doing spiritually or otherwise to break this bond? How can I break the tie between the two of us? I know many other people that have children and do not go through this and are able to simply co-parent. What can I do to push this lesson along for maybe both of us? I just want to be free and feel free from this cycle that he is desperately trying to continue
Karmic relationship definitely sounds like it pretty fucking closely expresses what it is that I am in. And I don’t know if I’m patient or stupid, but I’ve been married to this person for 20 years and we have four beautiful and awesome unique children together.
Aside from the financial aspect of things, at times it definitely feels like it would be a lot easier for just me to be on my own. I feel like I would be able to grow faster and expand faster in some ways on my own. I would be able to explore more of my expresso side. I wouldn’t feel so restricted and contained in my own home. I think the point that was made about not feeling safe to be an Express oneself hit home the most because I think that’s the part that frustrates me beyond belief and honestly it’s probably a lot of past life should I’m working through. I’m pretty sure my life has been ended multiple times for expressing myself and therefore I have a fear of expressing myself that I’m in the process of working through. But that being said, I ask myself why I keep waiting and trying to work on it. And just about then the statement you made about karmic relationships not often working out but some might. Automatically my I presume Souls answer was because you like to prove people wrong and you like a challenge. So that’s where I’m at. I still feel like in some ways things to be a ton easier on my own. But at the same breath much like you mentioned throughout your article especially in your list… I literally feel magnetically pulled to him and as much as I can now imagine portions of my life without him oh, I just don’t fucking want to. I want to have my cake and eat it too God damn it. And I want to be able to be myself and grow and be supported by the person I am with. And I don’t want it to be anyone else. I want to be him. And I think perhaps the most frustrating part of this whole thing, is that I do he can do it. I know he’s capable of it. If I didn’t see the light within him I would not be here. I just want him to embrace his light. It’s be the person that I know underneath his soul is both capable and probably craving. And I don’t know is the purpose of this relationship which I seriously wonder if it’s possible to have a karmic relationship with your soulmate. Because that’s what it feels like if I can’t be with him, I’m not really interested in being with anybody. And I see that on all levels even sexually. I’m not interested in doing this with anyone else I’m either going to do it alone or I’m going to do it with him. So I really want to do it with him but we’ll do it alone if I’m forced to. So I don’t know if part of this experience is for me to be patient and still learn to be authentic Within Myself despite external forces no matter how internal they may feel. I feel like this is a lesson that I been working on for many lifetimes. To be able to be myself with the people in my family and that I hold closest and most dear. Thank God I have friends that can allow me to be myself without ridicule and rejection. Otherwise I probably would have left long ago LOL. But I feel like part of the point in being here and it being in this relationship, is to not only learning how to be myself within myself it was in my surroundings. But to also give him space to feel safe enough to learn how to be truly and fully himself. Because I don’t think he trusts the world enough to do that. And I don’t think he has embraced the shadow aspects of himself in a way. But it’s almost like he’s afraid or an able to on his own embrace the light of himself. I’m going to stop talking now because I’m rambling, but good luck to all those and karmic relationships. Especially those who could potentially be in karmic relationships with their soulmate.
I just had a reading where I asked if a former partner was my twin flame, and I was told no, but that he was a karmic connection. Having heard the term but not knowing what it meant, I came to my favorite website on spiritual topics (this one!) and found your lovely article.
Pretty much everything here was spot-on and described the relationship I had with this person to a T. I had to pause when I read the part about trying to take two steps forward but being drawn 10 steps back, because those were the EXACT words I used when I sent him a goodbye message a few weeks ago. I said to him, “I knew our relationship wasn’t healthy. We would constantly take 2 steps forward, and then 10 steps backwards. It was like that for a while. I think we both played a part in that, even if we had good intentions, and it’s best to separate.” It’s crazy how the universe works sometimes haha, but I was definitely meant to have that reading and to read this article.
I feel much better now about us ending the relationship. I miss him still, but I know I need to take the lessons learned from that experience and use them in my journey of spiritual growth and healing. Thanks for writing such a moving article, Aletheia. Much love <3
Dear Aletheia,
This is an amazing article. It rings true in so many ways to my current situation (and from the comments , to so many others as well). Exhausting, volatile, inappropriate – like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. The weird thing is that we both recognise this – that we both push each other’s buttons and bring out the worst in each other. We’ve both worked hard to evolve – draw clear boundaries around unacceptable behaviour, remain true to ourselves, deepen respect and love. It’s hard and we have discussed leaving each other. But we can’t escape the feeling that we are each other’s most important teachers. And that there is an irony that if we can both learn the lesson then it doesn’t need to end.
Some of the examples from others in the comments are more one-sided in comparison and my heart truly goes out to the souls caught in or recovering from such a relationship. You mustn’t blame yourself. Remember that this was a soul contract that you both entered into before this current reincarnation. You both agreed to learn from it. You must try to find yourself and your inner strength and beauty again. Practice some letting go rituals to clear yourself of the karma. It will be ok, both now and in the afterlife.
Much love and light x
Thank you for sharing Luna ♡
Thank you for this article. Every single point is exactly spot on with my current relationship. We’ve been together for almost 6 years now and we have 3 daughters. From the start, we have been completely addicted to each other. We can’t let go. I have found messages to other women on and off since we met. We both have a fair amount of childhood trauma leading to fear of abandonment and self-worth issues. Every time I try to talk about how his actions make me feel, it’s met with deflection so it becomes my fault and he just wants to pretend nothing happened. In the past, I allowed these cycles create bitterness and rage inside of me. I have since evolved spiritually, mostly in the past 4 months or so and have accepted complete responsibility of everything in my life instead of being the emotional codependent that I have been in this relationship. Funny enough, as I practice Tarot, I had asked my sweet guides to show me a card to represent my partner and it gave me The Devil. I knew then that he was my addiction. He still is. I’m getting close but I’m still allowing myself to remain trapped in this life-zapping cycle. I wish it were as easy as just walking away. This is more than spiritual for me however, since I’ve come to completely financially depend on him as well. I am starting my own bookkeeping practice to become self-sufficient. Then I’m walking away.
Interesting that you said that the card you pulled for your partner was The Devil! Financial independence is crucial and I hope you take back that power. Wishing you great success and freedom, Kayla!
Hi, I have also experienced the same dependence/addiction patterns as Kayla and relate to many of the points mentioned in the article… I literally have goosebumps reading Kayla’s comment because I have done Tarot 5 times in the past 4 years and every single time I ask about him and I, I get the Devil card! Even my astrologer pulled a Tarot card for him and I and got the Devil card as well. Could you please elaborate on what this card means? Thank you.
Have you ever seen the movie, “Hancock”, with Will Smith and Charlize Theron, in which two superheroes who are in love with each other over many past lives meet again and realize they can never be together because of the existential violence that builds every where around them and within them. That is the epitome of a karmic relationship, and I know I am in one now with my current husband. I am not quite ready to leave because I need to shore up my own self-sovereignty. Initially, he brought out the best in me, but over time his actions and words have made me into the worst person I have ever been. I say things to him I would never have said to another person and it shocks me. Every day is a trial with this person, yet somehow I still need him. It is unhealthy and wrong. This was the perfect article for me to read today because it gives me a starting point and hope for my own future.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, Fenris. May you gather all the strength and self-sovereignty you need ♡ (and I haven’t seen that movie, but now you’ve made me want to!)
Wonderful article, I’ve been through such a karmic relationship and all the signs match.
I’m happy this helped, Crina!
My first time experiencing this type of relationship. It still hurts but doing to work to heal. Articles, books, therapy, sound meditation has helped tremendously. Understanding the reason and accepting the purpose. It’s kind of hard to let go completely when he’s still trying to contact me. Almost agreed to just friends but it set me back. Anyhow Thank you for your site. Helps in every way. I’m open to evolving and serving my purpose once fully understood.