The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.
โ Mark Twain
The simple truth is this:
If you aspire to accomplish your dreams, to have the freedom to be yourself, to spiritually evolve, to walk your own path …
… you will never be able to live a fulfilling life unless you rid yourself of low self-esteem and acquire the courage of self-confidence.
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On my journey of self-discovery, self-awareness, and self-love, these are some of the secrets that I’ve learned:
Table of contents
Why We Struggle With Low Self-Esteem
Perfection is not when there is nothing to add, but when there is nothing more to take away.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupรฉry
We are born with an innate sense of wanting to belong.
As we grow up society helps us form the notion of perfection, or what is “good enough”.
Basically, we need to create an idea to live up to, so that we can feel accepted by everybody.
Our parents tell us what they expect from us, so do our siblings, our teachers and our religions.
Society uses the media to constantly expose us to perfection, from advertisements informing us how outdated our belongings are compared to their new products, to beautiful models selling creams, diets or protein bars.
Comparison is one of the biggest obstacles in finding self-esteem. We use it to find another standard of “perfection” for acceptance.
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Through social media sites like Facebook, we constantly use our friends, family and colleagues to measured up to their financial success, or how happy our lives are compared to theirs, or at least what they choose to share.
But the truth is, we only see the surface of other people’s lives, and we know all the imperfection of ours, yet we use this false surface perception as a guideline of how “well” we are doing.
By trying to be good enough and by trying to be accepted, we create an unreal image of perfection that we don’t manage to live up to.
Realizing our imperfection, we reject ourselves.
The Roots of Low Self-Esteem
How low your self-esteem is depends on how much desire you had to belong in the first place, and how willing you were to give up your self-love, and your dignity, in order to feel accepted.
When we make a mistake, we quickly try to cover it up, and then when we’re alone, we feel guilty in becoming aware of how stupid and inept we are.
Deep down, being imperfect is unforgivable to the person who rejects themselves. This person feels false and frustrated that they aren’t living up to their image of perfection, so they commit self-abuse.
Self-abuse can come in many shapes and forms, think: negative thinking, drugs, over-eating, physical self-harm and unconsciously entering abusive relationships are some examples. Low self-esteem is a self-perpetuating cycle.
We feel like we don’t live up to our idea of “perfect” so it gives us a reason to justify our passiveness to change anything bad in our lives.
Inevitably, this leads to us indulging in more self-abuse, resulting in an ever further distance from our image of perfection (e.g., fat, unemployed, drug-addicted, lonely, mentally ill).
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Essentially, our desire for perfection paralyses our ability to change, and it deprives us from the pleasures and joys of what the imperfect life offers.
Perfection = Death
Perfection is death.
Literally, it’s death.
If you think about the definition of perfection, it’s when something has reached its final state.
Perfection is when something cannot be improved upon.
But life is a constant fluctuation, and everything that’s alive is constantly growing and changing.
Throughout our lives, we are constantly learning, even to our very last breaths.
Think: at what point can we truly say we are ‘complete’, that there’s nothing we can improve upon? Only when we’re being put into a coffin!
Never think of life in terms of: “Be Perfect!“, but instead approach life as “Get Better!“
Why You’re Terrified of Failure
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
~ Steven Winterburn
The desire for perfection has many side effects, fear of failure being the main one.
Fear of failure paralyses our ability pursue our dreams and passions.
Once, whenever I failed at something, I would always interpret it as a consequence of who I was.
I assumed that my success was a direct reflection of my innate qualities, e.g. intelligence, intellect, social aptitude, and had nothing to do with the circumstances.
When something went wrong, it wasn’t that I had done something that didn’t work very well, it was a personal ineptitude, it was that I was lacking some innate trait of perfection.
If I asked a girl out and got rejected, it was because I was inadequate, and not because, for instance, she didnโt hear what she wanted to hear from me, or she already had an interest in someone else โ or she had a really bad day at work.
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What you do, and the outcome of what you do, shapes the image of who you think you are, or in other words: your self-worth.
But the great news is, regardless of who you think you are, what you do is something you have control of, that you can change and improve with practice. And if you can change it, it will change who you think you are.
I thought I’d never be able to write for an audience. English, for example, is my second language and I didn’t have the patience.
But regardless of who I thought I was, I designed this website and began writing articles, and I became someone who writes for thousands of readers.
How to Gain More Self-Confidence
People measure their esteem of each other by what each has, and not by what each is… Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
~ Ralpho Waldo Emerson (Essential Emerson)
The word ‘Courage’ comes from the Latin ‘Cor‘ meaning heart.
These days we use the word to describe heroic actions, but in its purest origin, it meant “to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart,” or in other words, to make yourself emotionally vulnerable.
Self-acceptance is an instrument of Self-Love, which is to be forgiving of your imperfections, to accept that you’re not a perfect person and that you don’t have to be, and that you’ll never live up to that image of perfection you’ve unconsciously created.
Low self-esteem originates from self-abuse, from an unconscious and inherited lack of self-acceptance of who you are, of who you really are. The opposite of self-abuse is self-love.
The more self-love we have, the more we forgive and accept who we are, mistakes and blemishes included, and the less we will judge ourselves so harshly.
We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally, they fall short of our expectations.
If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.
If you can’t love yourself, which is where your love is coming from, how can you truly love someone else?
And the only way you can experience self-love is to be your genuine self โ to respect and accept whoever that is.
Most of us are all too willing to sell our integrity, the pride we have in ourselves, to be someone more acceptable to others by gossiping, embracing silly cultural trends of fashion, drugs, gangs, and negative mentalities.
To gain more self-confidence, start with self-love. Here are some resources that may help you:
- How to love yourself (article)
- Self-Love Journal (guided step-by-step prompts)
- How to practice self-care (this goes hand-in-hand with self-confidence)
- Learn how to increase your self-worth
What is your experience with low self-esteem? What has helped to empower and uplift you?
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This is so much me that it even hurts a little and makes me want to dig deeper in my mind and soul to first know who I really am and then accept myself with my positives and my negatives, with my accomplishments and my flaws. Your website is so enlightening and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Just when I need to look back in time and understand that no matter what, my circumstances are part of who I am and I should feel proud of having come so far, instead of just blaming myself for everything that could have happened. It’s like finally somebody speaks the same language I speak. When the Student is ready, the Master appears. I begin to believe more in everything happens for a reason.
Sylvia Plath is indeed one of the poetess I wrote about on my finals at College many many years ago, yet all your comments on Sylvia Plath and your great mindful articles, makes me realize who I was once in my life and who I am now, a totally different person. I lost myself long ago and I didn’t care. It’s never too late to embrace change and self-acceptance.
Thank you for sharing your talent, your wisdom, while I work on accepting and loving myself.
Hola Julia,
That’s exactly the first step that needs to occur, to dig deep and re-evaluate your beliefs about yourself. Self-Exploration is key in any journey of Self-Discovery because unless you know where you are, truly and honestly are, then how are you going to know where to go?
Self-esteem issues are a self-perpetuation mental activity, we feel lowly of ourselves and anything negative that happens or that we learn about ourselves we will immediately attribute to our low worth. I do believe that everything happens for a reason; though it is much greater, deeper and interconnected than we ‘think’.
Learning to love ourselves is a slow process, it takes time and patients to reconstruct everything we will have to demolish on our journey. Sylvia Plath was indeed a beautiful soul but she struggled with many human pitfalls and never found a way to look outside of that belief system she had. Also, many of us fall in love with our misery like I wrote about previously: https://lonerwolf.com/misery-makes-you-happy/
Thank you Julia for sharing your experience, I look forward to reading your progression through this challenging, but rewarding, path of self-acceptance.
Interesting. In the first section, in which you talk of perfection being a sort of death, I was reminded of one of Sylvia Plath’s last poems – perhaps her very last poem – which begins “The woman is perfected…” Shortly after she wrote it, she committed suicide. It is such a struggle, to live up to the expectations of others, and also to live up to our own. I find great wisdom and support on this website as I work to forge a different path for myself.
Living up to these lies of perfection we create in our minds is one of the most dangerous and detrimental ideals in our life.
We are born innocent, pure and fool of wonder and love for the world. Along the way, due to experiences in our families and cultures, we develop this standards to live up to. That we should only allow ourselves to feel worthy as long as we match those illusionary standards.
This sends us off into a lifetime of self-denial and rejection, to be accepted by our parents, our friends, our preacher and teachers….we are always striving to be something other than what we are.
Sylvia Plath had beautiful poems, and often it is the most sensitive and in tune to life like her, that become overwhelmed by these self-imposed expectations and ideals.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful insight, you are not alone here, we are all on the same journey.
Hello,
This is a great article. I currently struggle pretty deeply with trying to be perfect. It is a strange mental illusion and story that I often feel stuck in like a hamster on a wheel. It helps protect me from feeling immense pain, yet as I become more self-aware, I realize causes more suffering. Currently trying not to so much as rid myself of it, but to release or transform the energy. I read in your bio Sol that you have participated in Shamanistic therapies, that is something I have considered, I was wondering if you would be willing to share more about your experience with it and opinion? It would be appreciated. Thank you!
Hello Rachel!
This is something in which we are struggle to some extent. Its the duality of your ego vs your essence in modern psychology or in olden scriptures your false personality, that desire to be perfect was named Maya after an Hindu goddess of illusions.
We too often identify our self worth with what we do, rather than who we are, and thats the greatest mistake as low self esteems occur from comparisons with other peoples egos which is also an illusion.
We have innate value as humans, what we can or cant do perfectly, is merely a false idealism we create as theres forces outside of our hands that also control the success in many areas where we feel we are imperfect. I teach much of this through our Involution courses we hold in different countries at the moment.
Right now we are in Spain, your question about shamanistic therapies is quite relevant as I have a client that is undertaking it under me. I was taught shamanism early in my childhood and one of the important aspects of it is that the person in mentally prepared maturity wise for the experience. Shamanism is a tool, that in the hands of those unprepared will result in common recreational drug takers that get addicted to it as a form of escape. In ancient shamanisn, the shaman is a guide that accepts someone who is innitiated first (through many spiritual exercises) onto that journey.
Modern science has found in experiments, that people who have tried hallucigenic substances, only once, have reported an immense broadening of their perception of the world, that everything isnt as linear or clear cut rigid logic as they thought. Most also experience incredible self realizations about themselves, as their minds slow down, so does their ability to study themselves and where many feelings originate from. I wouldnt advise it to be done unguided though, as its very easy to get lost in the stimulation of the experience and ignore the rest. If youre interested theres many books on the subject, amongst my favorite are DMT The Spirit Molecule.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, I love inquiries of readers that also answer others questions who dont dare ask :)
Sol
Thank you for your detailed response. I appreciate all the information. I think the biggest tool I need right now is some self-compassion. It tends to be very difficult for me to be in my own body and I have this deep desire to destroy something, my mentor is challenging me to allow that feeling but in the midst create.
And you are welcome for the question I tend to ask questions often, I hear it can be a gift haha. Enjoy Spain…if you ever go in August they have a giant tomato fight. I have always wanted to go there is so much life there!
This is SO my problem.
I recently wrote a bunch of thoughts and attitudes about my self and my life that I seem to carry round with me and I was shocked yo find how many of them were about achieving perfection. As well as judging my self for being very sensitive and needing more alone time than most people. It is a lot of conditiining by society. But I also I believe lack “executive function” or mindfulness …or some would put it that I don’t take things easy enough.
I think it comes from being highly sensitive (I also can have a habit of over analysing) and making things too complicated, too detailed.
It takes more sophistication to simplify, to see the bigger picture, to not get caught up in what you think you know. It’s harder to be open and not get caught up in striving, trying to be more/something you are not.
Anyhow, I try to remind my self to practise awareness in the moment so that I don’t revert to auto pilot.
Hello Elisa!
It is shocking, but thats what I mentioned in the other article that our mayas or egos, are trained by society to feel inferior, or compare themselves to other egos and to find value in comparison instead of accepting and listening to our essence/true selves and loving them unconditionally.
Especially if youre a highly sensitive person, your ego will get brused a lot quicker than most people. Pefectionism is a reaction, the smaller our false personality feels, the more it wants to achieve by feeling perfect, and the lower the self esteem will be when it realizes it can never be as perfect as it wants…and trying to do so will result in neurotic behaviors that make you anxious all the time.
Apart from seeing the bigger picture and mindfulness, I also suggest to some people to classify their mental blabber. Classify your thoughts as thoughts by saying “this is a thought” or “this is an emotion” or “this is an instictive reaction” and it allows you to disassociate yourself from your ego/maya personality and makes seeing the bigger picture a lot easier :).
Thank you once more for a great comment!
Sol
I think part of it is the lack of room given to and respect shown for the introverted, shy and even also for the actually mentally ill.
Recentky, in the US, psychiatrists were considering making introversion an actual mental health disorder. This gives us a sense of where we are culturally.
Your article on poor Keanu shows the crap that a quiet type faces. The pressure to be someone they are not or face total exclusion.
Hey Elisa!
In a society that equates social networking with happiness and success, I wasnt surprised to hear about thinking of introverts as mentally ill.
Im happy Introversion is gaining the social awareness it has and its making it much more acceptable and even respected to become an introvert.
Low self esteem originates from many different reasons, but through self understanding and acceptance it is much easier to overcome, as youve mentioned by realizing for example that one is an introvert and not a social freak like many initially feel.
Love hearing your thoughts :)
Sol
I read about your website from a friend and I loved it. I’ve been so confused about my inner self and had developed low self esteem from it. I descovered that I am an ambivert and felt conflicted about withwhy I felt so different in different circumstances . I’ve got a long way to go to find self acceptance and self love but now that I have found the right path I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. Thanks for your help
Hey Christy!
First of all, Id like to congratulate you in your current process of self-discovery, theres nothing more rewarding in life that being able to center yourself, to stop, look outside then inside, and make some sense out of the chaos.
With the introvert revolution trend that is happening now, its easy to get wrongly carried away into these two extreme ends, and still fill lost or like you dont fit in entirely.
The path of self discovery is a solitary one, but also one that requires the right guidance and hints every now and again. I think of it as a mountain that has to be ascended though we dont know whats on the other side, which way is the easiest way to climb and whether we should listen to our safety fearful instincts of avoiding any changes whatsoever. Every once in a while when we get lost, you need someone to hold your hand and guide you through the rough stretches and were always happy to help and share what weve learned along our own paths :)
Much love and thanks for sharing your journey!
Sol
Talking about perfection… it reminded me of a beautiful song “Death by Perfection” by Maia Sharp.
Self view is such a relative thing… depends on the environment you are in and what it reflects to you…
great insight.!!! just what i needed to hear today.Thanks!
awesome article, and it spoke multiple truths to me. thank you!!
what is your first language, Sol? just curious…
How wonderful for you both! Visit the Prada and Alhambra for me! I miss Europe in general, being an introverted Brit in extroverted California.
Thanks Tessa! Some excellent suggestions here. Alhambra in Granada is exactly what weยดre researching right now, along with a small tour around Italy. California sounds like an introverts nightmare, but Iยดm sure a smart introvert like you has found a way to cope. :P Much love.