The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.
– Mark Twain
The simple truth is this:
If you aspire to accomplish your dreams, to have the freedom to be yourself, to spiritually evolve, to walk your own path …
… you will never be able to live a fulfilling life unless you rid yourself of low self-esteem and acquire the courage of self-confidence.
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On my journey of self-discovery, self-awareness, and self-love, these are some of the secrets that I’ve learned:
Table of contents
Why We Struggle With Low Self-Esteem
Perfection is not when there is nothing to add, but when there is nothing more to take away.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
We are born with an innate sense of wanting to belong.
As we grow up society helps us form the notion of perfection, or what is “good enough”.
Basically, we need to create an idea to live up to, so that we can feel accepted by everybody.
Our parents tell us what they expect from us, so do our siblings, our teachers and our religions.
Society uses the media to constantly expose us to perfection, from advertisements informing us how outdated our belongings are compared to their new products, to beautiful models selling creams, diets or protein bars.
Comparison is one of the biggest obstacles in finding self-esteem. We use it to find another standard of “perfection” for acceptance.
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Through social media sites like Facebook, we constantly use our friends, family and colleagues to measured up to their financial success, or how happy our lives are compared to theirs, or at least what they choose to share.
But the truth is, we only see the surface of other people’s lives, and we know all the imperfection of ours, yet we use this false surface perception as a guideline of how “well” we are doing.
By trying to be good enough and by trying to be accepted, we create an unreal image of perfection that we don’t manage to live up to.
Realizing our imperfection, we reject ourselves.
The Roots of Low Self-Esteem
How low your self-esteem is depends on how much desire you had to belong in the first place, and how willing you were to give up your self-love, and your dignity, in order to feel accepted.
When we make a mistake, we quickly try to cover it up, and then when we’re alone, we feel guilty in becoming aware of how stupid and inept we are.
Deep down, being imperfect is unforgivable to the person who rejects themselves. This person feels false and frustrated that they aren’t living up to their image of perfection, so they commit self-abuse.
Self-abuse can come in many shapes and forms, think: negative thinking, drugs, over-eating, physical self-harm and unconsciously entering abusive relationships are some examples. Low self-esteem is a self-perpetuating cycle.
We feel like we don’t live up to our idea of “perfect” so it gives us a reason to justify our passiveness to change anything bad in our lives.
Inevitably, this leads to us indulging in more self-abuse, resulting in an ever further distance from our image of perfection (e.g., fat, unemployed, drug-addicted, lonely, mentally ill).
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Essentially, our desire for perfection paralyses our ability to change, and it deprives us from the pleasures and joys of what the imperfect life offers.
Perfection = Death
Perfection is death.
Literally, it’s death.
If you think about the definition of perfection, it’s when something has reached its final state.
Perfection is when something cannot be improved upon.
But life is a constant fluctuation, and everything that’s alive is constantly growing and changing.
Throughout our lives, we are constantly learning, even to our very last breaths.
Think: at what point can we truly say we are ‘complete’, that there’s nothing we can improve upon? Only when we’re being put into a coffin!
Never think of life in terms of: “Be Perfect!“, but instead approach life as “Get Better!“
Why You’re Terrified of Failure
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
~ Steven Winterburn
The desire for perfection has many side effects, fear of failure being the main one.
Fear of failure paralyses our ability pursue our dreams and passions.
Once, whenever I failed at something, I would always interpret it as a consequence of who I was.
I assumed that my success was a direct reflection of my innate qualities, e.g. intelligence, intellect, social aptitude, and had nothing to do with the circumstances.
When something went wrong, it wasn’t that I had done something that didn’t work very well, it was a personal ineptitude, it was that I was lacking some innate trait of perfection.
If I asked a girl out and got rejected, it was because I was inadequate, and not because, for instance, she didn’t hear what she wanted to hear from me, or she already had an interest in someone else – or she had a really bad day at work.
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What you do, and the outcome of what you do, shapes the image of who you think you are, or in other words: your self-worth.
But the great news is, regardless of who you think you are, what you do is something you have control of, that you can change and improve with practice. And if you can change it, it will change who you think you are.
I thought I’d never be able to write for an audience. English, for example, is my second language and I didn’t have the patience.
But regardless of who I thought I was, I designed this website and began writing articles, and I became someone who writes for thousands of readers.
How to Gain More Self-Confidence
People measure their esteem of each other by what each has, and not by what each is… Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
~ Ralpho Waldo Emerson (Essential Emerson)
The word ‘Courage’ comes from the Latin ‘Cor‘ meaning heart.
These days we use the word to describe heroic actions, but in its purest origin, it meant “to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart,” or in other words, to make yourself emotionally vulnerable.
Self-acceptance is an instrument of Self-Love, which is to be forgiving of your imperfections, to accept that you’re not a perfect person and that you don’t have to be, and that you’ll never live up to that image of perfection you’ve unconsciously created.
Low self-esteem originates from self-abuse, from an unconscious and inherited lack of self-acceptance of who you are, of who you really are. The opposite of self-abuse is self-love.
The more self-love we have, the more we forgive and accept who we are, mistakes and blemishes included, and the less we will judge ourselves so harshly.
We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally, they fall short of our expectations.
If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.
If you can’t love yourself, which is where your love is coming from, how can you truly love someone else?
And the only way you can experience self-love is to be your genuine self – to respect and accept whoever that is.
Most of us are all too willing to sell our integrity, the pride we have in ourselves, to be someone more acceptable to others by gossiping, embracing silly cultural trends of fashion, drugs, gangs, and negative mentalities.
To gain more self-confidence, start with self-love. Here are some resources that may help you:
- How to love yourself (article)
- Self-Love Journal (guided step-by-step prompts)
- How to practice self-care (this goes hand-in-hand with self-confidence)
- Learn how to increase your self-worth
What is your experience with low self-esteem? What has helped to empower and uplift you?
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im 52 now,…my parents had me put into a forced marriage to someone i had never met before, we had absolutely nothing in common. ii no longer was allowed to have any form of contact with my parents or any of my 5 siblings, was treated terribly by this mans family and used as a slave and to produce a son for him, my 3rd child was a boy. but things just went from bad to worse. after 8 years when i realised my sister was having an affair with him behind my back and my dad refused to believe me, i packed a bag and walked out. leaving everything behind including the children, i was 28 years old. i lost everyone, i was an outcast now, i took various drugs, started smoking , basically self harming to release the bad thoughts in my head about life. i still struggle to know where i belong. i believe im not worthy of happiness, but i wake up every morning and thank god for my freedom, its all i ever wanted but have no family and find it difficult to make friends.
Kind Regards
Deesha
Join some nice classes like yin yoga.. or zumba…take a hot sauna afterwards then a cold shower and exchange fun stories with your co dancers…family is everywhere.
I love your name Deesha Briarna,. I feel for you, it must have been hard to go through so much at such an early age. We all go through difficult things with family or friends. The practice that mentioned in my sharing earlier, taught me that the reason we are all here on earth, is so we can remember who we really are, pay our karma, and go back home to heavens! When I first read this book (called Zhuan Falun: which reveals the truth of this universe and the truth about who we really are, I felt that all that I had been looking for all these years, was laying right in the front of my eyes. There is a good nature inside of us: when we are willing to dig out the bad parts, and come naked in a front of God: God watches over us and gives us a new chance to make our lives worth living :)
All is free in this practice called Falun Dafa. You deserve another chance… a way from drugs and all that keeps you in feeling bad about yourself. God loves you, and has never stop loving you with a benevolent heart. :)
Thanks for this post Mateo Sol. You are a young person with an old soul.
In Scotland when a child is very smart, bright, very knowing , the older people say
“Oh, he has/ she has been here before” I guess this goes way back to the old Celtic culture.
Thanks for all you great and inspiring posts. The world need more like you, Mateo.
Thank you Lauren for those kind words.
The Celtic culture is beautifully laden with much wisdom the lost art of interconnection with life. I’m happy to hear it still lives on in some form.
Fantastic read, thank you. You have your ways with words.Very admirable even though English is your second language :)
Thank you Jessi. I’ve always communicated better verbally than through writing but it’s joy to be able to reach so vastly through this internet medium so well worth the effort.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Well, this kind of writing is nice, but I’ve always had trouble finding a way to put it into practical use.
Maybe you know the answer to this, but I don’t understand:
If you try to be yourself, there’s always someone who will not like it and will try to put you in a lower place, and punish you for it.
I am a doctor, and whenever I try acting like myself, people leave me. Like my last boss, who didn’t like the way I dressed (fancy, while she wore the same shirt all year round) and made me cover myself. Or my family, that whenever I say ‘I do what I like’ they start telling me I’ve been cursed, or I have mental problems.
My living depends on other people’s acceptance, so how can you be yourself and yet have the acceptance of people?
It’s not I really care about them, but if they don’t like me, I don’t eat.
Hola Wut,
Thank you for sharing your concerns. I usually try to avoid the practical aspects of approaching some of these issues as it varies from person to person as you illustrate in your experience as a Doctor and I don’t find ‘general advice’ is very helpful.
Much of the work of Self-Love and Involution is to learn ways of being truly yourself whilst create the least amount of friction in your environment. In your case; if you’ve decided to work for someone else then you have to find someone who is comfortable with the way you dress even if that means changing jobs. If you are really confident in who you are and are aware of all the ‘laws’ governing your workplace; you can choose to confront your boss and make it clear that there’s no contract that stipulates how you should be dressing. The other option if there is such ‘dress code’ laws in place, is to compromise and wear the clothing you like outside of your workplace while dress whatever ‘standard uniform’ ideals is required from you at work.
We aren’t islands in life and we are all interdependent of one another. If you truly seek to be able to be authentic even in your work place then you have to work for yourself otherwise you’re going to rely on others who may have the power to limit your authenticity.
A big part about being authentic with anyone, especially your family is to know how to communicate with them and express your feelings. When you tell them “I do what I want”, then you sound like you’re defensive, stubborn and not willing to listen to their opinions at all. If however you approach the conversation with: “I know you may feel I should do ___ with my life because you care about me or fear for my future but I feel that in order to be happy, to make life worth living, to be truly who I am, I need to do ___ instead.”
Authenticity is making it clear who you are while trying not to get in the way of others if you can avoid it. If you can’t avoid it, it will be necessary to take responsibility for who you are and stand up for your rights. I’d rather live poor but find fulfillment and passion from life in knowing I am being true to myself, than live a life of stepping on egg shells, pretending to be someone else, and enjoy comfort and luxury.
Wow, I didn’t think you’d reply in such a detailed way! I was just giving a couple of examples, but thank you for such a deep analysis on such scanty data. Yeah, like I said, last boss. I went freelance after that. I’ve tried the subtle approach to family too, but they are the kind that won’t listen unless you make a scene, and are always right. (Like I told you, if they can’t rebut me, they start saying bad things about my character.) I used to think like you, until I actually became poor and hungry, with literally having not enough to eat. So I had to go back to the old ways, head down, as my own physical survival was at stake. I don’t want to go through that again.
So, what you’re saying is to find a way to be who you are within what the others accept. Which means complete vigilance over your own boundaries so they don’t step on them, while not stepping on others either. Which also means you can rarely– or never– be 100% yourself as others are around. And in my case, I need to learn to love myself a lot more, so I can really establish these boundaries. It’s a job in itself, isn’t it?
I knew there was no easy path on this… Thanks a lot, don Mateo.
Hi Sol, great article. Firstly I would just like to praise you for how good your written English is, I really enjoy your style of writing too.
This article applies to me a lot in the past year, constant comparison and negativity. However it is this process that enabled me to find this website, for which I am grateful.
I feel what you have written here is very important for everyone to understand, especially children. As you have said life is about the desire and passion to improve and get better always, to fulfill *your* potential. (not somebody else’s or societies idea of your potential) Aiming for perfection is damaging in many ways, but worse is to conform to the expectations of others and to mould yourself ‘out of yourself’ and into others, and their ideas of perfection.
I once read a very eye opening passage about what it truly means to be an amateur. Generally speaking people use the word amateur in a critical sense, essentially that an amateur is below professional standard and unskillful in comparison.
I now understand and prefer to view an amateur as someone who engages in the pursuit of a subject for the love of it, for the passion. If we apply this to how we think about the world we should all be amateurs in everything, seeking to get better, and to gain understanding through passion. Capping everything with the idea of professionalism sets a limit to our growth, and holds us back from the enjoyment of the continual pursuit.
Hola John,
Thank you for your kind words, English is not my first language but I do my best with it.
If only our childhood educations were aimed at helping out spirits grow rather than filling our minds with useless knowledge. Sometimes I ask some of our readers or students to think back as to the choices they’ve made and why they have made them. Why do they live where they love, they study what they do and have the friends they do.
Most of the answers usually help people realize how haphazard and unguided their decisions were. We pick jobs based on what our parents want, or what we think we want because we’ve seen our friends do the same. We live in the city we do because we were born or grew up there and our friends are the result of school, friends of our friends or our work place instead of actively going out of our way to find others who will challenge us, and provide us new perspectives of growth.
When a person is not centered in their being, any path looks like the right direction, and when it comes to standards we feel we should live up to (by society, religion, parents and friends) this is not exception. It is unsurprising how easily we can lose our self-esteem along with our authenticity.
I love that interpretation of amateur. To be a professional in anything has already killed the amateur, the wonderful, curiosity, alertness that comes with being new to a field. I have always been against specializing in anything simply because it kills your creativity, it gives you tunnel vision to know a lot about a single subject. To be an amateur is to mix and match knowledge, create something hybrid and unknown because of your lack of desire to be ‘specialized’.
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Hi, Mateo!
Thank you for this article and for the website in general. It’s been so helpful to find such insight that resonates so deeply.
I do have a question though. How do you balance self-love/self-acceptance with self-improvement? When I strive to “change and improve with practice” what I do as it does indeed shape my self-worth, I have trouble “forgiv[ing] and accept[ing]…[my] mistakes and blemishes” when I inevitably fail in my journey to “get better.” And the cycle back to self-abuse continues…
Thank you!
Hola Christy,
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
That’s a great question. I am not a supporter of ‘self-improvement’ but rather of ‘self-growth’. Modern forceful and willful individualistic lessons teach us that we have to strive to become better, to become richer or smarter. You are ‘improving’ toward a goal, standard or an expectation of yourself; that of becoming a millionaire, more efficient at work etc etc..
Self-Growth on the other hand has nothing to do with improving or reaching any goal. As the name implies, you grow day by day with the self-acceptance you develop for yourself. When you plant a tree, it grows up to whatever potential it was made to have; some will be bigger, others will be thicker, others greener and some will bare fruit or flowers but they all grow toward an uncertain end.
It is our “improvement” attitudes that are so prevalent in a society that wants to make you machine like productive and ambitious; that fools a lemon tree into thinking he can aspire to become a willow tree and the lemon tree ends up frustrated. Complete Self-Love is not to strive toward a certain goal (as you’ll only develop guilt and again you enter the ‘perfection’ cycle), but to day by day cultivate a deeper understanding of yourself and see that as a goal onto itself.
I hope this sheds some light on the matter, let me know if you’d like me to expand.
Warmly,
Sol
Hi Sol
I’ve come to this site after really feeling like I’ve hit rock bottom in my life; the feelings of self hate, guilt and disgust at myself result in me becoming very self destructive, including the things you mention such as over-eating, substance abuse and over-spending. My life is a menagerie of excess and one which to outsiders seems like an endless whirl of excitement, parties, hectic social life and beautiful possessions. But inside I am dying. I could not be less happy with my life and my decisions. Thanks to you and Luna for this site; I hope to make a real change to my life and I believe that your inspiring words can help.
Anthony
Hola Anthony,
The reflection and acceptance of your inner self with all its shadow qualities is the first step toward making any significant change. Unless we know where we are, how can we know where to go from here?
That is why we’ve focused on Self-Awareness as the first step in the Involution system, to create that initial distance of realizing that something is not right in our life and it requires further exploration is the key to developing further.
Though it may seem hard now, know that many of us have been where you are; living inauthentic lives, self destructive behavior and not knowing where to start or how. Although it is a struggle, it is also a great gift to realize we can at least try to change while there are many people who are so trapped in this habitual behavior they don’t even know they can.
I look forward to hearing more about your journey, the success and failures, but most importantly, the attempts. :)
Hi Loner Wolf,
Low self-esteem is a major problem in my life. It affects me in my daily life and it affects me in pursuing my dreams. However, a big part of me recognizes my soul, accepts it, loves it and respects it. So, in general, I’m not so miserable deep down in my soul. I’m not judgmental and jealous with others. In fact, I often feel the opposite. I feel compassion and love towards others. I often speak to others gently and encourage them because I know deep down in my soul how it feels like being judged, criticised, ridiculed and abused for who I am.
On the other hand, I often find myself craving for other people’s approval because I cannot approve myself. When I feel like I don’t have this approval, I feel so miserable. I’d spend more time trying to get me out of the emotional state than doing things that make me happy. I feel guilty more than feeling at peace. I’m learning to approve myself and accept myself step by step, so I went to Google and did research about low self-esteem, and found your article.
I have had low self-esteem and Obsessive Compulsory Disorder since I was a child. I still can go to school, go to work, have fun with friends, take care of my animals, enjoy nature and do things a normal person would do. The only difference is that there seem to be an invisible power that constantly weighs me down.
Thanks for your article. I think I have found Loner Wolf a new site to read :).
Hola Linh,
It’s very easy to become accustomed and even function with a low self esteem; we build a world around us according to the feelings that reflect ourselves. The esteem and self-love you have for yourself will guide your decisions for work, friends, relationships and everything else; at some point in our lives we embrace this misery as we have grown use to it (I’ve previously written about it https://lonerwolf.com/misery-makes-you-happy/) .
The decision to change low self esteem is a drastic one, often we have to hit rock bottom or reach a point where we find it unbearable in the way it hinders our lives. Until that moment comes we will either continue on the same path, or attempt changes in a lukewarm way.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it’s a great insight into different perceptions of the same problem.
you know, everything that is written here has been my life. I have never had the time or the resources to give my self some attention, and when I do have time, I spend it in self loathing, lying on my bed and binge eating. A loner with extremely low self esteem seems like a dangerous combination, but I feel I’m in so deep, It’s just too late to get out now.
Hola Mubeen,
It’s never to late to change your habits in life, unless you’re about to die…there is plenty of time to enjoy and make it worthwhile the struggle of change.
The question is more about whether we have the will power to change. Why would you trust the thoughts that pop into your head trying to put you off from changing if these are the same thoughts that also create the self-loathing ideas?
Both ideas are false, but it is easier to listen to illusionary false ideas than to push yourself through the struggle of wanting to change.
The truth is you’ve come to LonerWolf and read an article on Low Self Esteem, which is the first step toward opening yourself up to change. Otherwise, most people who truly have no interest at all in change little completely oblivious to the possibility and never read anything on the topic.
The right time will come where you’ll be receptive to it, in the mean time accepting your self-discovery of low self-esteem is enough :)