In a remote training camp, a squad of rookies had just returned to their billet after a day’s march under the boiling sun.
“What a life!” barked one new soldier. “Miles from anywhere, with a sergeant who thinks he’s Alexander The Great, no women, no booze, no leave – and on top of all that, my boots are two sizes too small.”
“You don’t want to put up with that chum,” said his neighbor, “Why don’t you request another pair?”
“Not likely” he answered. “Takin ’em off is the only pleasure I’ve got!”
Table of contents
Nothing to Lose But Unhappiness
We have nothing to lose but our misery and yet we seem so afraid to lose it.
I’ve noticed that there are generally two reactions people give to the advice given by friends, teachers, self-help guides, and articles such as this. The first response is that of gratitude and openness. Some people are, indeed, open to the idea of losing their unhappiness.
But the second response to being given advice/help is quite different: there are those who will criticize the altruistic advice given with such immense brutality, that you’d think they’ve just been given quick tips on how to murder their closest loved ones.
It’s a strange reality, but in many cases, misery is actually seen as a cultural virtue. For instance, suffering for your imperfect nature is a religious dogma all too common, and even modern romanticized subcultures like Goths and Emos jump on the same bandwagon. These people seem to enjoy a certain sense of living ‘deeply’ – deeper than the rest of superficial society – when in touch with their darkest and sorrowful feelings. The more tormented and gloomy a soul, the greater the sensitivity of that person.
Why We Get Consumed in Self-Indulgent Misery
It never ceases to surprise me how enthusiastically I hear many people speak of their problems. One could almost presume this zeal comes from some sort of pleasure they feel when telling and even competing with each other’s problems.
There seems to be an investment in misery in our culture. If misery only brought us purely negative returns like say, flatulence, then we’d endure it momentarily and forget about it once it is released.
So what is it that makes us cling to such a feeling and share it with others? Well, the return of our investment is, quite simply, pleasure.
People find it hard to let go of things that make them miserable because they also bring them some type of pleasure. This can come in many forms:
- Sympathy: Our society and social etiquette encourage sympathy as a form of virtue. If you complain about being sick, about struggling with a personal problem, there’s always a sympathetic ear to listen and offer you a “you poor thing” or “awww” that will make you feel special and indulge your egotistical need of acknowledgment and attention.
- Desires and Expectations: The fulfillment of our neurotic, obsessive, desires and expectations is the other reward we get for clinging to our misery. We believe that, on some level, if we don’t desire or expect anything life would be meaningless, dull, depressing. Actually it’s the opposite: being free of attachment to desire and expectation (as is one of the main principles of Buddhist philosophy), brings us freedom. Yet, in the West, we’re taught the “virtue” of grasping onto our desires and expectations for dear life, because that’s what will make us “happy,” achieve the “American Dream,” become “rich and successful,” and so on. We believe that it’s our anxiety-driven, adrenaline-fuelled quest for more that makes us happy when really, it’s what makes us miserable.
So now you can see that misery is encouraged, even reinforced in our society. Even the “pursuit of happiness” is driven by misery, and results in misery, because the more you are pursuing something, the less you can recognize it in the present moment.
The Truth is, Misery Makes You Special
As we’ve just seen, one of the rewards for being misery is being given special attention: this is something we need to explore a little deeper.
The fact is that misery makes you capable of attracting other people’s attention. When you’re miserable, you’re attended to, sympathized with, and loved. Everybody starts taking care of you because who wants to hurt a miserable person? Misery is a great investment.
For instance, if my partner is miserable and complaining about something, it’s much harder for me to neglect her. But while when she’s happy in her own world and me in mine, it could be much easier forgetting her. Misery makes you special.
Happiness is a universal phenomenon, there’s nothing special about it. Animals are happy, children are happy, trees are happy – so they can all easily be forgotten and abused. Perhaps, on some level, we are actually scared of happiness because it doesn’t satisfy our ego’s need to be the center of attention?
“I’m Extraordinarily Miserable!” Misery and the Ego
Unhappiness is so much easier to convey than happiness. When we are miserable, we are immensely more aware of our existence.
Since we feel no struggle when we are happy, no tension of pain between us and the rest of the world, we become more open and connected to everything. Man only becomes special, extraordinary, and gains an ego when he has problems and misery.
We create problems so we can feel that life is a great work, a growth, and you have to struggle hard to earn it. But the truth is, problems don’t exist. You create the problems. Your mind puts a filter over reality: it makes the simple something complex. And then, you go in search for the solution.
We make mountains out of molehills because the egocentric sense of self doesn’t want to be ordinarily miserable, it wants to be extraordinarily miserable!
If your own problems aren’t enough, you look for bigger problems to solve; you watch the news, listen to the radio, and read the papers to fill yourself with more worries. Not that you can do anything about a recent war, murder or rape that occurred, by the way. But knowing about it indulges your fears about the rest of the world, adds a boundary, and brings you more misery to keep you busy.
We need misery because without problems we feel empty, there’s nothing to do, nothing to fight with, and nowhere to go. The emptiness of our inner silence is so frightening, we become conspicuous and create the outlined boundaries of our identity through our problems.
Misery brings you pain which defines you as an individual: “this pain is mine and no others,” “this conflict and tension I’m suffering serves as a barrier between me and the rest,” “I am the only person experiencing this special type of suffering.” Happiness takes all of that away and in doing so, you lose your identity, you become nobody – you are free of the ego.
Yet freedom from ego is the beginning of peace, joy, love, and liberation – the very thing we are all searching for deep down.
3 Ways You’re Invested in Your Own Misery
Here are the most common reasons why we’re so attached to our misery:
1. You believe that you have to suffer to be happy
One very common core belief that a lot of us carry deep inside is the conviction that “I am bad, therefore I must suffer to be happy.” Other variations of this core belief include, “I am unworthy,” “I am unlovable,” and “I am sinful.”
At first, you might think that these core beliefs sound silly (surely you don’t feel this way!). But this is a very common response that I also experienced, later realizing it was a knee-jerk protective reaction. I encourage you to read more about core beliefs to uncover the central ideas you have about yourself that perpetuate your suffering.
One of the most common behavioral issues involved with believing you have to suffer to be happy (and connected to warped core beliefs) is the Martyrdom/Victim Complex. Martyrs believe that sacrificing their needs and desires will eventually pay off, but it doesn’t.
Common ways that the Martyr/Victim tends to invest in their own misery is by unconsciously attracting abusive and toxic partners or friends into their lives who they feel they must “fix” (to make these people love them). As we know, it’s impossible to change another person unless they are first willing to change themselves, and so the Martyr/Victim is stuck in a never-ending cycle of self-abuse as they continue unconsciously allowing their partners or friends to abuse them.
2. Suffering is exciting and stimulating
We grow up surrounded by drama and every day, we are surrounded by drama. Whether it be our choice of TV shows or movies, friends or companions, lovers or partners, or workplaces, we have the Drama Monster lurking in the shadows of our lives almost constantly.
Let’s face it, gossip and bitching can be exhilarating, shouting and screaming can be electrifying, and moping and mourning can be addictive. Why? Because it stimulates us and shakes us out of our conscious sleepwalking state. Misery makes us feel alive. It brings back excitement into our lives – even at the expense of sacrificing our own peace.
I once recall someone telling me that “peace is boring,” as though it is some kind of brain-dead state of decay. Which leads me to ask you, how do you feel about being completely serene? You might like the idea at first, but deeper than that, you might be harboring some mistaken beliefs about what “peace” really means, and thus might be unconsciously trying to “escape” it or avoid it in your life. Which leads me to the next point …
3. Without suffering you would be lost
I believe that the deepest reason why we are deliberately invested in being unhappy people is that without our misery, who or what would we be? We seem to feel, on an unconscious level, that we would be left with a big fat nothing if all of our dramas, problems, and complaints ceased. What would our lives look like? For most people, this thought is unimaginable and because it is hard to understand, it is feared. Thus we continue investing in our unhappiness because it prevents us from experiencing that big, scary unknown “hole.” But actually that hole is our doorway to wholeness or Oneness.
How to Be Free of Self-Indulgent Misery
There are a number of ways to free yourself from the trap of honing, reinforcing, and wallowing in misery.
Here are some of the ways:
- Understand the nature of the ego – also known as your sense of self (your “I am ___”) which is at the root of all suffering
- Practice mindfulness and meditation – these two paths will help you to enjoy living in the present moment, find more inner peace, and be aware of your mental traps
- Learn how to love yourself and practice self-compassion – instead of using misery as a way of gaining affection and love from others, learn how to tap into your inner source of compassion and nurturing
- Develop a skill – instead of basing how special you are on how miserable you feel, base it on how skilled you are at what you do
- Find the meaning of life – what is your personal meaning in life? What’s your true path? By focusing on this pursuit, you’ll be less likely to wallow in misery or use it to reinforce neediness, obsession, or a false sense of being “more special” than others.
***
Are you ready to let go of your prized dramas one by one and step into the unknown? Are you willing to stop feeling “special,” “victimized” and “separate” in order to welcome in peace, joy, fulfillment, and a greater, more expanded Self?
If you have the courage to put in the hard work – rather than expecting an immediate solution – you will build the foundations of a liberated life.
What are your thoughts and opinions on this topic? I’d love to hear below.
Hey :-), I’ve havent read all the comments, but just one observation – how often is a vivacious child being shouted at for her or his joy and aliveness, and comforted and shown love when hurt or sick or unhappy? And children crave for love and affection!… So, what do they learn? If you want to be accepted and protected, and not punished, be miserable! … And so they give up on their true selves, and the sad story begins… :-)
I appreciate this article, but I don’t believe you fully hit on what all can lead to self-misery. Your description of neuroticism and anxiety does not do it justice. People don’t become neurotic and anxious because it fullfills them, they are almost always trying to avoid fear. Our human mind clings to worry and neuroticism in an attempt to feel as if we have control over things we don’t have control over. Like a fear of failing, fear of being unloved, fear of losing control of life, etc… Our emotional, fear driven mind will always override our rational mind. We have to learn to embrace the discomfort in order to overcome fear and self-misery.
Write your own article then.
Well spoken, but it seems there have been millions of self help books and articles written and millions have diligently followed the prescriptions yet most remain stuck in the same mindset year after year!! I am convinced that the most effective way of dealing with our limited selves is to expand ourselves and our understanding with sacred plant medicines like ayahuasca.
Thank you Helena. It is true, the mindsets stay stuck because the ego’s are very much constricted and unwilling to change even if we have a mental understanding of why we need to change. Plant medicine is a great way of bringing about glimpses and insights and temporarily loosening the ego, though for a long term practice I’d recommend exercises such as meditation as they are much more sustainable and also less addictive (the substances are not addictive, but often the thrills/insights we get from those psychedelic trips can be.)
Great article. I also think that when people talk about good stuff it can be looked on as bragging. It sometimes feels wrong/impolite to talk of the positive things that are happening whereas it seems much more socially acceptable and comfortable to complain.
so true. if I feel l am at peace and walking around outside on a nice day, a part of me feels judgement of those who’d say “you’re so privileged!” “wow, must be nice!”—-i feel like I’m not allowed to enjoy a cafe break, a nice walk—i always have anxiety under surface and worries trying to ruin the entire thing.
“Find the meaning of life”
How ironic – I just yesterday recognized that deep-rooted belief that “it is my destiny to suffer, it is the meaning of my life”. I strongly identify myself as an artist and writing as my most important life mission, and I keep doubting that would there be any inspiration without suffering?
Given your comment, I’m genuinely interested in your art. Do you have a website or somewhere I can view your work?
For example, your experience in healing and expanding and gaining wisdom and joy? That would be a far less worn out topic than suffering, eh? :-) (Werthers we’ve had enough. :-))
This…
” The emptiness of our inner silence is so frightening, we become conspicuous and create the outlined boundaries of our identity through our problems.”
Just, wow.
How can you say that man! This is so true. I am in tears because this is it. I was reading my Existential theory’s notes and our teacher quoted a line from Spike in The Vampire Slayer. It says “You’re addicted to the misery. It’s why you won’t tell your pals about us. Might actually have to be happy if you did. They’d either understand and help you, God forbid … or drive you out … where you can finally be at peace, in the dark. With me. Either way, you’d be better off for it, but you’re too twisted for that. (pauses) Let yourself live, already. And stop with the bloody hero trip for a sec. We’d all be the better for it.”
I felt it so badly because I am actually going through something and my friends ask me to get over it already so I stopped telling them anything anymore because I don’t know, they don’t get it. I feel like I don’t know how to be happy or maybe this BAD feeling is the only thing I have. So I looked the quote up on internet and I found this article. Its a masterpiece. Being a graduate with Psychology major, I have never seen someone talk about misery so truthfully. I am currently reading Rollo May’s “The Courage to Create” and it is very authentic too. I’m just trying to help myself because right now, I can’t work so can’t afford therapy. This line below this box says “your email address will remail private” so I am just venting, lol. Somebody I loved since my childhood left because of his personal reasons and I can’t get over it. It been exactly a year now and I am as miserable as,… I don’t know. He has been within me for so long that even my earliest memory is about him. I don’t know how to let go of this pain because, at some point it feels like this is how I am keeping him with me but I can’t work, can’t study and just cannot pay attention. Well, I hope it gets better. I am a fan now, loner wolf. Gonna read a lot of your stuff! I hope you don’t use Rollo May kinda 20th century’s or shakepearan vocabulary. I am not a native English Speaker. Have a good day!
I agree, if I became happy achieving all the things which make me miserable then I would have to seek out better problems. But being miserable makes me seek happiness in small irrelevant things which most people take for granted. There is true beauty to misery. I can even compare my past misery with the current progress I have made and that brings next level of satisfaction in achieving those small irrelevant things.
I was searching for a certain quote on misery and stumbled upon your site. I agree with you, as I have been there myself. Keep spreading your wisdom so the world can be a better place
I feel what you have quoted.. You understand all about this, so Can you please also write an article on how to overcome this.
I disagree with u . I do not get anything good because of my problems or illnesses. I find that people don’t believe me because of the way I look. And most people are quite cruel about it all.
I needed to read this and will read it several more times. I court misery. I have not need to miseriable, I have a good life however I find myself looking for faults and attacking when I find them. I want to love and when love comes I drive it away by finding something to complain about. I have loving misery. I drive all the good things and people out of my life, the people that I want to stay and to love, I make miserable. I need to stop. How do I stop?
How can we get rid of the misery, the problems, and so on. Being happy, yourself, and normal is becoming so outdated.. and knowing how to get out of the fog that is causing you to be unaware most of the time, not being in touch with yourself and your surroundings, and the feeling that you’re alone all the time is just so exhausting. It makes you just want to sleep all day or be lazy. When, in your mind, you WANT to go out and explore by yourself. You WANT to really know who you are. You WANT to be in touch with the world and yourself so that you can be truly happy and NOT rely on other people to MAKE you happy. How can we make ourselves happy for once? How can one live a life with such sorrow, loneliness, sadness, and being so overwhelmed in a fog of depression, stress, and anxiety?
Hello, Do you think other people with depression, etc. might have this infection that can cause mood disorders and is often undiagnosed/misdiagnosed in immunocompetent people?
My coworkers and I, all immunocompetent, got Disseminated Histoplasmosis in Dallas-Fort Worth from roosting bats, that shed the fungus in their feces. The doctors said we couldn’t possibly have it, since we all had intact immune systems. The doctors were wrong.
This pathogen causes many idiopathic diseases and conditions, including hematological malignancies, autoimmune symptoms, myelitis, myositis, vasculitis. etc. It causes hypervascularization, calcifications, sclerosis, fibrosis, necrosis, leukopenia, anemia, neutrophilia, pancytopenia, thrombocytopenia, hypoglycemia, polyps, stenosis, and perforations, inflammation of various organs, GI problems, hepatitis, etc. More than 100 outbreaks have occurred in the U.S. since 1938, and those are just the ones that were figured out, since people go to different doctors. One outbreak was over 100,000 victims in Indianapolis.
It at least “mimics” autoimmune diseases, cancer, mental illness, migraines, seizures, etc. It’s known to cause rheumatological conditions, inflammation, and precancerous conditions. It causes hematological malignancies, and some doctors claim their leukemia patients go into remission when given antifungal. My friend in another state who died from lupus lived across the street from a bat colony. An acquaintance with alopecia universalis and whose mother had degenerative brain disorder has bat houses on their property. It’s known to cause delusions, wild mood swings, and hallucinations.
I believe the “side effects” of Haldol, leukopenia and MS symptoms, are not side effects but just more symptoms of Disseminated Histoplasmosis, since it causes leukopenia and MS symptoms. What about the unknown reason why beta blockers cause tardive dyskinesia? The tinnitus, photophobia, psychosis “caused” by Cipro? The hypersexuality and leukemia “caused” by Abilify? The fungus is an Oxygenale and therefore consumes collagen. Fungal hyphae carry an electrical charge and align under a current. It’s most potent in female lactating bats, because the fungus likes sugar (lactose) and nitrogen (amino acids, protein). What about female lactating humans…postpartum psychosis? The bats give birth late spring/summer, and I noticed suicide rates spike in late spring/early summer. A map of mental distress and some diseases appear to almost perfectly overlay a map of Histoplasmosis. The bats eat moths, which are attracted to blue and white city lights.
Apparently, even the CDC didn’t know bats CARRY it and shed it in their feces, although they knew it could grow in bird and bat feces. Researchers claim the subacute type is more common than believed. It is known to at least mimic autoimmune diseases and cancer, and known to give false-positives in PET scans. But no one diagnosed with an autoimmune disease or cancer is screened for it. In fact, at least one NIH paper states explicitly that all patients diagnosed with sarcoidosis be tested for it, but most, if not all, are not. 80-90+% of people in some areas have been infected. It can lay dormant for up to 40 years in the lungs and/or adrenals. It causes RNA/DNA damage. Other doctors are claiming things like sarcoidosis IS disseminated histoplasmosis.
My coworkers and I had GI problems, liver problems, weird rashes, plantar fasciitis, etc., and I had swollen lymph nodes, hives, lesions, and started getting migraines and plantar fasciitis in the building, and haven’t had them since I left. It gave me temporary fecal incontinence, seizures, dark blood from my intestines, and benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. I had symptoms of several autoimmune diseases, including Fibromyalgia, Sarcoidosis, ALS, MS, etc. that have disappeared since leaving the area and taking Itraconazole antifungal.
And your writing of this article where you talk about how this set of people are just serving their own ego that set is not yada yada. When your agenda is hidden underneath this.. doing just that, by talking about it all in your article. I could say the same thing.
Great article! Very insightful, honest and real. Thank you!
My misery is a barrier to keep people from getting too close to me, I don’t want to let that wall down. To quote Misery by Gallows, ” misery fucking loves me, and I love her too.” I hate the things I do, I hate myself sometimes, I do and say things that are vile, but all in response to something else, trust me it doesn’t take much sometimes. I love feeling down on myself, because nothing I do is good enough, and it works vis versa with others. I am hard on myself and everyone around me that matters. I don’t feel this way all the time; right now I do, eventually I will talk to myself about what a pussy I am being and maybe in few days I will snap out of my childish shit fit, but it should a “fun”, quiet few days at casa de me. Sometimes we just need to kick our own ass. Unfortunately, this will happen again. ” No inspiration left to do you best when, nobody hates you more than your reflection.’ Slug from atmosphere.”
Thank you for sharing your struggle Danny. Misery is a very self-centric business, if you feel self-loathing for yourself it’s going to be very hard to have any motivation to heal and learn to love that which is the source of your loathing. It creates a vicious cycle.
I’ve found that in situations like these you either way for rock bottom to come, a moment of realization where you feel worth the struggle to overcoming that self-pity, or you find something beyond yourself, outside of those self-centric walls, that motivates you to go beyond what you think you are.
The time comes we realize the imperfections, the insecurities, the mistakes, the expectations we create for others and ourselves; are all illusionary ideas that arise in what we really are which is a boundless presence of experience. This new way of perceiving the world beyond your wounded concept of ‘self’ is a shift toward a soul-centric one.
why did you remove his comment smh…
Marxists exploit our misery and keep us there to advance their power.
I can’t really blame anyone specifically. If we are to blame society, we are to blame ourselves as we form society.
This stuff was snuck into our system under the guise of “human rights”. But its not, not at all. Its poison and its killing the US.
well said..finally someone gets that. but people don’t wana see it so they blame someone in power and live on as they do, in debt, etc.
I’m starting to realize/think that I’m living with someone like this. He constantly mopes and is dramatic about sometimes the little-ist things – he will twist them to be about him and his suffering. He can dish how what you’ve done has made him feel invisible etc but when you tell him how you feel (when it comes to dealing with his attitude etc), it somehow becomes a personal attack on him – he can dish it but can’t take it. I just feel he is very depressed and unhappy but I don’t feel it’s my job to make him happy. I want him to be happy but I can’t be made to feel guilty for trying to be positive and having a life. I feel he is very passive aggressive and sometimes I wonder if he also might be narcissistic because it’s always about him and how his suffering is more than others as if we don’t have problems too! Any insight? Anyone ever deal with someone like this?
He also has so much pent up anger that I sometimes worry about him snapping. I just need to protect myself, I think I am going to move out and not be roommates with him any longer.
Many people who have not learned to love themselves will come across as narcissistic and loving their misery. They carry such a low self-esteem, everything becomes an opportunity to draw attention to themselves, to their unhappiness, to their bad luck and in doing so gain a small sense of self-importance.
If you cannot help a person like this because they are not open for being helped, then moving out might be your best option as it only provides an audience for the self-pity and a toxic relationship for you. He will hit a point in his life where he’ll realize this and thirst for change.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I do believe you hit the nail on the head. I don’t think he’s narcissistic as much as he is dealing with a lot of misery and unhappiness. Thanks again. I do think I plan on moving out when our lease is up…
I know what you mean that is my life also unbearable at times, I feel the need to isolate myself from him, as I feel my life is being sucked out of me.
I am thinking of ways to join up with sociable people to be able to leave him and his misery behind.
I told him that I am moving out. I was really terrified to tell him and I think that speaks for itself. Luckily, he seems to have accepted that I am leaving. His guilt-tripping is no longer working. I can’t wait to move at the end of the month. I know I will miss the person he was when I first met him, but I know I will also feel free.
If I learned anything it’s that happiness is the exception and not the rule. The more you have, the more you’ll lose and don’t get too comfortable in your happiness. The world is full of people who want nothing more than to tear it down. People who are always happy make me sick.
Entropy is the law of the universe. Everything is always in a state of decay. You start dying the second you are born (or even conceived for that matter). Life sucks. People suck. Wipe that fucking smile off your face.
Happiness is a momentary experience, it’s not meant to last forever. Instead I aim to encourage more inner peace and joy in our students lives. That can be permanent, and does not depend on the ups and downs of happiness contrasting unhappiness.
If we stop being so self-centric, we realize that the slow decay of us is the organic matter that will give birth to something else someday; the universe doesn’t surround human beings existence.
With all its injustice, destruction and chaos; life is perfect and exactly as it’s meant to be. We are what we create in this life. If more people have an attitude like yours, we will very well create a hell for ourselves on this earth and if that’s so, then that’s exactly what we deserve.