This article is part of the Self-Love hub, a single thread within the broader practice of inner work.
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I’m observing something strange occurring in the world. An increase in “us versus them” mentality.
Call it the rise of social media, fragmented attention spans, capitalism, toxic individualism, algorithm echo chambers … or whatever the hell else. But it’s more of a struggle than ever to connect with people these days.
Like me, you might be aware of the golden rule of connecting with anyone: curiosity. You can apply this rule by taking an interest in the unusual, surprising, or charming aspects of someone. Connection becomes easy.
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But what happens when everyone is too tired and burned out by their lives to connect? When there’s no space left after the long work hours, chores, and all the million other life responsibilities? When you’ve seen so far through the bullshit of society that speaking with others feels like blabbering in alien? When you’re neurodivergent and overly stimulated, or have complex trauma, and therefore trust issues?
Or what about the fact that there are so few third spaces (non-commercial places outside of work and home) and a loss of shared cultural beliefs? Or those f*cking people who will start scrolling through their phones in front of you while you’re talking with them?
The list goes on.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are ways of seeking out kindred spirits and like-minded folk. In-person meetups, online groups, parks, events, libraries.
But even when you do find them, there’s no guarantee that they’ll stick around. Life happens; change is the only constant. People move, grow, and change. Yes, connecting with others is important, but you can’t base your happiness on it.
This is why I see struggling to connect with people = invitation to learn how to connect better with yourself. To learn to become your own best friend. To be someone you love hanging out with and to operate from a mind that doesn’t torment you.
The struggle to connect with others is also a doorway to spiritual connection – to building a relationship with your idea of the Divine, whether that’s a transcendent force, an imminent reality, or both.
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And yes, this has been studied, too. One 20-year study found that self-acceptance added three years of life and a separate study found that those with strong spiritual inclinations had literally thicker, stronger, and healthier brains.
So this is the silver lining I’m trying to point out: if you struggle to connect with people, that’s normal. I feel it too. (Usually the most satisfying in-person interactions I have with people are saying “hello” on morning walks.) It’s a call to connect with yourself, deepen your self-love, and forge a relationship with something beyond yourself, whatever that looks like to you.
I have a very pantheistic approach to the Divine, so I see it as a connection to the Spirit that flows, moves, and animates all things. Mysticism is a wonderful way of deepening that connection, and it exists across all religions and spiritual paths.
Ultimately, to build that foundation of strong inner and spiritual connection, the inner work practice of self-compassion is the first place to start.
Without befriending yourself and moving beyond the overactive inner critic, it’s hard to feel safe with yourself. It’s hard to be a home to yourself. This is where the Self-Love Journal can help you create that solid basis. If you’ve got a fairly good relationship with yourself, healing the inner child is the next step to finding more inner safety and peace.
Tell me, do you struggle to connect with people? What has helped you to thrive despite this disconnection? I’d love to hear in the comments.
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I’ve felt this deeply too. For a long time I chased connection through other people, only to feel more drained afterward. What shifted things for me was turning inward – sitting with my own inner critic instead of running from it. The loneliness didn’t vanish, but it softened into something more like solitude. I still struggle, but now I see it as an invitation rather than a flaw. Thank you for putting this into words.
That’s a great accomplishment to see it as an invitation rather than a flaw. Well done Saffy 💜
We recently moved country and I think that I’ve been so desperate to make friends that I haven’t stopped to assess whether they are right for me. The people I’ve met haven’t always been very nice or genuine and some of the connections have been downright traumatic for our family.
But there is also an argument that they don’t have to please me, and neither do I have to please them. But, where a connection is unavoidable, we can at least be pleasant. Rather than blaming them, I must accept them as they are. And it follows that I must therefore accept myself as you rightly suggest.
And boy am I grateful right now for the safe space of Lonerwolf! I need to find my tribe in the flesh.
Yes on so many of them.
Even when I do reach out, explore, or speak up, the response is polite, nice, and either restricted to the group-event, or just that one off.
Add in my trust issues & personality quirks, it’s almost a guarantee to fail.
My solution?
Places & groups like this, and an amazing Shrinky Lady.
I’m still trying, even though it’s mostly failing.
Yes, the reluctance to connect.
Easily bypassed by deciding that the person in front of me has, however small, something curious about them, which I can follow up on.
Dropping my guards and protections, staying innocent, let my voice come from my heart.
And then it flows.
I am a very introverted individual and possibly neurodivergent. Others think I struggle to connect with people, but I am quite happy in my own little bubble. Over 50 years I’ve learnt if I want to be disappointed then I will try to connect with others.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Celene 💜
I sense the struggle to connect yes and with most I question if it is a reflection of myself. I can’t talk small talk for too long, I do find it drains my social battery whereas a connected, meaningful conversation adds to me. Energy is precious and you have documented many of the reasons why connecting with others is harder in this era. Perhaps because I have become my own best friend, I don’t dive deeper in getting to know others, unless it’s reciprocated.
Thank you for your insights Alethesia ❤️
Energy is indeed a precious resource. Over time, I think you learn that not everyone or everything deserves access to it. Which isn’t rooted in arrogance, but in self-knowledge and awareness.
What helps me feel good when I am only with myself? Reading OLD books (for me, it’s from the western tradition), both fiction and nonfiction; and then daydreaming about them, even memorizing some parts, so that I’m not bored when I’m on my own… Recently I discovered exactly that in archetype of imprisoned abbé in Count of Monte Cristo. And also I go almost daily for one hour long walks to nature without my phone where I think deeply or analyze or seek a solution for a problem in my life, be it small or big, with only my mind and thinking, and often return with some illuminating solution or insight. :)
Excellent suggestion, Adam. Technology has a way of negatively rewiring the brain, which is why I’m super intentional about what I consume. Old books are almost like an antidote to a lot of the slop I see online — often well-written, edited properly, considered carefully, and they provide points of view that aren’t just regurgitated pop psychology. Thanks for sharing this!