This article is part of the Self-Love hub, a single thread within the broader practice of inner work.
Read more from this hub →
I’m observing something strange occurring in the world. An increase in “us versus them” mentality.
Call it the rise of social media, fragmented attention spans, capitalism, toxic individualism, algorithm echo chambers … or whatever the hell else. But it’s more of a struggle than ever to connect with people these days.
Like me, you might be aware of the golden rule of connecting with anyone: curiosity. You can apply this rule by taking an interest in the unusual, surprising, or charming aspects of someone. Connection becomes easy.
Soul Work Compass Course:
Is a vague sense of emptiness lurking beneath the surface? It’s time to reclaim your life. The Soul Work Compass Course helps you break free from self-doubt and repetitive pain. Don’t just survive – thrive by creating a personalized map for your future. Start your journey to profound self-discovery and authentic life direction now.
But what happens when everyone is too tired and burned out by their lives to connect? When there’s no space left after the long work hours, chores, and all the million other life responsibilities? When you’ve seen so far through the bullshit of society that speaking with others feels like blabbering in alien? When you’re neurodivergent and overly stimulated, or have complex trauma, and therefore trust issues?
Or what about the fact that there are so few third spaces (non-commercial places outside of work and home) and a loss of shared cultural beliefs? Or those f*cking people who will start scrolling through their phones in front of you while you’re talking with them?
The list goes on.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are ways of seeking out kindred spirits and like-minded folk. In-person meetups, online groups, parks, events, libraries.
But even when you do find them, there’s no guarantee that they’ll stick around. Life happens; change is the only constant. People move, grow, and change. Yes, connecting with others is important, but you can’t base your happiness on it.
This is why I see struggling to connect with people = invitation to learn how to connect better with yourself. To learn to become your own best friend. To be someone you love hanging out with and to operate from a mind that doesn’t torment you.
The struggle to connect with others is also a doorway to spiritual connection – to building a relationship with your idea of the Divine, whether that’s a transcendent force, an imminent reality, or both.
Want to get LonerWolf at the top of your Google search results?
And yes, this has been studied, too. One 20-year study found that self-acceptance added three years of life and a separate study found that those with strong spiritual inclinations had literally thicker, stronger, and healthier brains.
So this is the silver lining I’m trying to point out: if you struggle to connect with people, that’s normal. I feel it too. (Usually the most satisfying in-person interactions I have with people are saying “hello” on morning walks.) It’s a call to connect with yourself, deepen your self-love, and forge a relationship with something beyond yourself, whatever that looks like to you.
I have a very pantheistic approach to the Divine, so I see it as a connection to the Spirit that flows, moves, and animates all things. Mysticism is a wonderful way of deepening that connection, and it exists across all religions and spiritual paths.
Ultimately, to build that foundation of strong inner and spiritual connection, the inner work practice of self-compassion is the first place to start.
Without befriending yourself and moving beyond the overactive inner critic, it’s hard to feel safe with yourself. It’s hard to be a home to yourself. This is where the Self-Love Journal can help you create that solid basis. If you’ve got a fairly good relationship with yourself, healing the inner child is the next step to finding more inner safety and peace.
Tell me, do you struggle to connect with people? What has helped you to thrive despite this disconnection? I’d love to hear in the comments.
If you need more help, we offer 2 powerful ways to guide you on your inner journey:
1. The Soul Work Compass Course: Break free from feeling lost and disconnected. The Soul Work Compass is a practical 12-step course that transforms soul loss into soul clarity. Discover your core values, heal core wounds, and create a personalized compass to guide every decision you make.
2. The Inner Work Journal Bundle: Heal at the root. This Inner Work Journal Bundle guides you through self-love, inner child healing, and shadow integration with 150+ prompts and activities. You get editable digital files to use on any device or print unlimited times. Not for lukewarm seekers, these journals are for those ready to transform.
Love this Luna and the comments are so spot on.
Like you my only connection with people is on my walks. I noticed the change in people a bit over a year ago. And one thing that surprises me is that it is mainly men who say hello or converse while the ladies stay silent. I’m 76 so I don’t see age as part of it – maybe I’m looking at it from the wrong perspective.
But it has helped me to look at myself & see my own worth in spite of (or possibly because of) what is happening. To me we are all here to make this world better in any way we can and this includes making us better/happier too♡
Well said, Jen. Thank you for sharing this perspective and your experience 💜
this idea of getting to know myself has been an idea that grounds me on a regular basis lately, when i remember to consider it.
i want to connect to others in a way but i avoid them at all costs really, then want them to seek me out but that doesn’t happen. now its all gone too far.
there have been opportunities that i’ve ruined & when i’ve reflected on behavior that if i’m honest, was really off-putting on my part, it occurs to me that i was ‘performing’ rather than being authentic.
i worry a bit about the existence of a ‘real me’ at all. when i catch myself engaging in thoughts that i wish i wouldn’t-namely, fake scenario running that is entertaining but drains me, when i catch myself doing this i will sometimes ask ‘who are you?’
my thoughts around that lately revolve around having to forge this self because i can’t come up with anything identifiable which is terrifying.
my idea of forging a self that may be in there hinges on changing habits. so, instead of doing something ‘bad’, doing something that will have a positive effect & building from there. bad things are easier in the short term though & good things require considering a future farther than 5 minutes from now and patience. both of which i struggle with.
I hear you, Lyndie. I have an avoidant attachment style with people too, and my upbringing meant that I never developed a solid sense of self. So much in the spiritual world talks about ego destruction, but that’s not helpful for someone who never built a grounded one to begin with. In fact, it’s terrifying. ‘Ego work’ can be one of the most healing paths out there, and it all begins with habit change, as you pointed out. Atomic Habits by James Clear is a great book to start with, if you need a pointer. Lots of love <3
I stopped trying to stay connected with others. It was exhausting. I’m not antisocial. I have a small group of friends I stay in touch with. That seems to be enough for me. I talk with people at my job, which fills in the hole for the times when connections are few and far between, and okay. I go on with my life.
Good on you, Angela 💜
Hi Aletheia & Mateo
Yes, I struggle with connecting with others! I’m blessed with a lot of friends, and find I’m usually the one reaching out. It can get depleting. So, I find what helps me during these incredibly difficult times are two things: I’m a creative so I have many hobbies (that brings me peace and happiness), and the love of my cat (who brings me comfort and joy). I’m so grateful I have these, it’s gets me through!!
Creativity and animal companions are wonderful allies. Thank you for sharing, Patty!
My job getting around as a mailwoman on the countryside has it that I often exchange a few words or even more with the people on my tour, and I love it. It’s easy for me to get connected, it’s just smalltalk, sometimes more. I see that pretty much everyone struggle in their lives, one way or another. These everyday smalltalks brighten up both my life and theirs.
But as you point out, work is getting harder every year, with tours that are so long they have become hardly makeable and hardly leave time to talk to anyone. Plus the chores at home that hardly leave any time at all. All of which has led to a burnout right now, and I am struggling to get back to normalty. And yes, it has occured last week when the strain was too hard and I was really unnerved that I shouted at a customer and was really rude and all. Disconnected. To myself and the world around me. I regretted it afterwards but I just wasn’t able to be normally kind and sociable. That’s exactly what makes the world NOT a better place, with people like me getting loud over a trifle. The pressure at work which so many face these days.
I’d love to get back to spirituality, which I currently have lost. At the moment I am more like a robot getting up in the morning, doing my everyday job, head back home, do the household, care for my mom (she’s 95, which I’m quite proud if, but which is also a lot if work) and fall into my bed and do the same next day and so on…
Self love and self connection of course is the key, but I am way too exhausted to get my ass moved.
One fine day I’m gonna… yeah, one fine day…
Definitely sounds like burnout, Sabine. Caring for the elderly while maintaining a job is no small thing. Sending love 💜
This hits me hard. I have waken up to be an Earth Angel, a very caring and powerful empathic person that sees the world and people in it clearly. I am also a truth teller.
Due to my sensitivity, I have moved out of the city to a small town in the high desert. It’s strange being in a new place, but the people are very nice.
Being so strong, I find myself unable to fit in. I’d like to be in a community of spiritual people, but it’s a broken community here of people who won’t do their shadow work, and are very hard to deal with.
I woke up to being a social animal, I do like to talk, like friends, and like to compare ideas. But I am quite alone. I am quite sad for the lack of contact.
I’m sorry to hear that, Rob.
Perhaps, as I shared in this post, you can see it as an opportunity to deepen your connection with yourself and the Divine. The power is always in your hands to make changes <3
Thanks again for prompting insight.
We need to love. Life is pointless without love.
It’s good to be vulnerable to love, of self, of others, of life
Well said, Dali 💜
Yesss, I relate 100 %. My personal struggle to connect with people on a deeper level has brought me closer to myself and still is the catalyst to becoming my own best friend. It has become a beautifully organic process once I accepted reality and started to embrace it. And magically connecting is getting easier without internal pressure or expectations…
There is this beautiful quote from Nietzsche that gave me much peace, understanding & compassion. “The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.” …. and that’s okay.
I love what you’ve shared, Susanne. Thank you for affirming this, and for that beautiful quote too 💜
I seem to be doing okay but not for lack of challenges. The high cost of apartments and insecurity of jobs led me to move in with someone far out in the suburbs. I have to burn gasoline all week to go to events or socialize at a bar with friends. I hang out with many younger people and try to make new friends.
Our social and economic system is at war with our human needs our beautiful planet. We need to socialize around resistance.
Having a shared purpose and values is a brilliant way of connecting with others. Thanks Bill :)
Such an interesting and super current topic! Yeah, it’s tough these days to really connect with others — and honestly, it feels like that everywhere. Rationalism and individualism kind of took over society, and we lost that organic sense of community, that feeling of shared values. With religion fading as a common spiritual bond, even with all its divisions, people stopped seeing others as part of something bigger.
Now, in this globalized but super impersonal world, everyone’s just building themselves up, and relationships often turn into transactions. Acceptance has turned into competition and comparison — it’s all about matching or beating someone else’s success. Instead of unity, we’ve got scattered pieces in an endless chain of rivalry. And in that emptiness, loneliness and resentment creep in.
So new group identities pop up, often fueled by less healthy feelings, pulling people into rival camps. External expectations create frustration, which then turns into blaming others. Add to that the lack of roots — people moving around for work or social reasons — and trust gets harder, making it tough to open up to others.
So if you’re feeling alone or disconnected, it’s not just in your head. People really are closing off. There’s a fear of others out there, but also a growing awareness that our uniqueness is what makes life richer when we’re open to both ourselves and others. The real power is in that almost dialectical communion between opposites.
Sure, some folks are waking up in this crisis, but many are still lost in the illusion of impersonality. That’s why patience — with yourself and with others — is key. Sometimes you’ve gotta stretch yourself, but that’s when you discover your potential. What feels like your struggle might actually be everyone else’s.
The journey can be solitary, but it doesn’t have to be lonely. Solitude can be whole and meaningful, while loneliness is just empty. The beauty of the journey is opening up to the mystery of the unknown. And who knows — maybe when you shine your inner light, you’ll cross paths with another soul walking the infinite road. For now, if you’re feeling disconnected, maybe start by reconnecting with yourself and finding the treasures hidden inside you.
Yes to all of this! So powerfully and beautifully expressed, Hans. Well done 💜