All self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.
– Tom Robbins
Of all human habits, chronic self-pity is perhaps the most unhealthy.
Why?
Self-pity is like a psychic bloodsucker that drains away our hope, happiness, gratitude, and good humor.
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Self-pity fuels depression, constant anxiety, and feelings of emptiness and isolation.
While self-pity is totally normal and we all pity ourselves from time to time, it can become like a virus in our minds when turned into an unconscious habit.
Table of contents
What is Self-Pity?
Self-pity is an exaggerated sense of pity over one’s own life, position or circumstance.
Most of us experience self-pity throughout our lifetimes, and although it can be a self-soothing mechanism that assists us in later accepting/changing our circumstances, sometimes it can stick to us like a psychic leech.
When self-pity is made into a habit, it not only stunts our self-worth, but it also creates self-destructive cycles of self-sabotage.
11 Signs of Self-Pity
Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.
~ Helen Keller
Common signs of a person given to harboring too much self-pity include:
#1 You find it hard to laugh at life and at yourself
Taking yourself too seriously and finding it difficult to laugh at your predicaments and defeats are tell-tale signs of self-pity.
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#2 You tend to crave for drama
You have a melodramatic streak that stems from extremist types of thinking (e.g., black-and-white + all-or-nothing mindsets).
#3 You tend to crave for sympathy
Self-pity is so addictive because it gives us the momentary pleasure of being supported, cared for, and emotionally pampered. Unfortunately, this is an unhealthy way of developing emotional bonds and connections with other people.
#4 You tend to be an individualist
Self-pity is one of the most effective ways of keeping yourself separate and independent from the friends, family, and people around you.
#5 You tend to be a past-orientated person
Some people live in the present, others live in the future, and still, others live in the past. Self-pity is closely linked to past-focused mindsets that dwell on events that happened a while ago.
#6 You have low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem tend to crave the acceptance and affection of other people as a way of feeling better about themselves. The presentation of having a “tragic life story” that self-pitying people often talk a lot about creates an excellent way of collecting flocks of supporters.
#7 You have a melancholic temperament
I’ve written about the melancholic, sanguine, choleric, and phlegmatic temperaments before. The melancholic temperament, in particular, is given to bouts of brooding and deep introspection, which can serve as a perfect breeding ground for self-pity.
#8 Deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of love
This stems from low self-esteem and creates a cycle of self-destructive behavior. Self-pity is one of the greatest tools for the self-destructive person. It creates self-fulfilling prophecies and alienates all the people you love and admire from you.
#9 You have an unhealthy habit of being self-absorbed
Quite simply, the more self-absorbed you are, the more likely you are of falling into the trap of self-pity.
#10 You have a strong fighting instinct
Having a strong fighting instinct can be a good or bad thing depending on what you choose to use it for. When used in a negative sense, the fighting instinct is used to battle against life, fight against the tide, and fight against accepting reality.
#11 You subconsciously feel guilty
Often, self-pity is an unconscious way of avoiding taking responsibility for personal actions or decisions made in the past. When we find it too difficult to accept the wrong that we’ve committed, sometimes we tend to hide from it by making ourselves the victims, rather than other people. In this case, self-pity is the perfect self-defense mechanism.
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Self-Pity & Shadow Work
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
– John W. Gardner
If you’ve made it up to this point in the article, chances are that something within your life has recently shone a light on this negative trait within yourself.
Whether it was pointed out by another person, discovered while doing some journaling, or revealed by a dark night of the soul, self-pity can make life feel hellish.
We can feel insecure, ashamed, embarrassed, or flat-out angry toward ourselves when coming face to face with our own self-pity.
Don’t worry. As I said before, this is a normal human trait. Also, no one is perfect, and that’s okay. So practice self-kindness. The good thing is that now you’re aware of this habit and you can do something about it.
One powerful preliminary step I recommend to overcoming self-pity is to explore your toxic core beliefs.
At the very heart of chronic self-pity is at least one deeply held mistaken belief about ourselves. So I strongly recommend reading and learning about core beliefs.
12 Essential Ways of Overcoming Self-Pity
Discovering that we suffer from chronic self-pity – and taking steps to overcome this issue – is part of the process of self-growth and spiritual transformation.
So if you suspect that you constantly self-pity, don’t fight it.
Don’t hide from your self-pity in shame or embarrassment, rather, face it and accept it as a fact of your life.
Embrace the fact that you are flawed and fallible … just like everyone else. Only then can you hope to make long-lasting changes within yourself!
Below you’ll find a list of beginner-friendly ways to overcome self-pity:
1) Keep a gratitude journal and write in it for 10 minutes every day
Keeping a gratitude journal, where you write down a list of things that you’re thankful for each day, is one effective way of re-programming your thought patterns.
Nothing is too small or irrelevant to write down. For instance, something like “I’m thankful that this cup of tea is warm” or “I appreciate the softness of my pillow,” are perfect candidates for being grateful.
Whatever you are thankful for, write it down!
Learn more about how to journal, or if you prefer a more guided approach check out our self-love journal.
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2) Grow a plant. Raise some herbs. Garden!
According to a survey conducted in 2013, 80 percent of gardeners reported that they were “happy” and “satisfied” with their lives, compared to the 67% of non-gardeners surveyed.
Not only does gardening remove the attention and energy you place on yourself and redirect it to something other than yourself, but it also instills you with a sense of accomplishment!
3) Sit in the sun
According to studies, vitamin D (which you gain from the sun), actually helps to improve your mood and energy levels, whilst decreasing depression. Ensuring that you get enough sun exposure each day is a good way to fight self-pity.
4) Watch funny videos, clips, and pictures
This is an excellent way of breaking yourself out of the self-pity cycle. Good websites to check out are Reddit and YouTube.
5) Get a pet animal
Whether it’s a dog, cat, bunny, guinea pig, fish, studies show that caring for a pet helps to reduce depression, thus helping you to overcome self-pity.
6) Read this infographic
This is powerful and eye-opening:
7) Take regular long walks
Exercise has been proven to boost the levels of endorphins in your brain, which are responsible for elevating your mood (plus a million other benefits). You may also like to consider joining a gym, or investing in your own sports equipment if you prefer privacy.
8) Meditate
Meditation is a miraculous cure for many mental ills, however, it does require patience and persistence. By meditating for just 10 minutes a day, you increase your ability to become self-aware, and thus your ability to catch yourself in the act of fulfilling self-pitying thoughts.
9) Inner work
Inner work is an all-encompassing life practice that involves developing more self-awareness.
When we practice inner work, we consciously decide to go on a journey to reconnect with our inner needs, core wounds, and true life purpose.
A big part of inner work involves becoming aware of your shadow self and the way in which it undermines your life.
However, before diving into your shadow (which can be scary!) I recommend learning how to love yourself – it’s a crucial preliminary step.
10) Help those less fortunate than you
Volunteering helps put your life into perspective, encouraging you to appreciate what you have more. Volunteering also boosts self-esteem, confidence, and compassion – in short, it gets you out of self-pitying spirals!
11) Try to minimalize your environment
Cluttered and messy environments contribute to paranoia, hoarding tendencies, anxiety, and depression. By simplifying your environment, you may find that your psychological and emotional welfare is significantly increased.
12) Seek for inspiration in the words of others
There’s so much inspiration out there on the internet. Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, and pretty much every social network, blog, and microblog known to humanity have something uplifting to provide.
I personally gravitate to saving inspiring quotes because they’re so readily available.
Why do we see these inspiring quotes everywhere? Answer: because we LOVE them.
We are deeply affected by the words of others. And sometimes, we find a quote that speaks to the deepest parts of our souls, a quote that changes us and revolutionizes the way we see everything.
So why not create a collection of your own inspirational quotes? One of my favorite ways is by creating themed boards on Pinterest.
Conclusion
Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug.
~ Og Mandino
Feeling sorry for yourself is normal.
But oftentimes this habit can cause us to avoid taking personal responsibility and bypass taking action.
Self-pity can also be a false substitute for love from others. But by learning how to practice self-care and adjust your mindset, you can create a life environment that nourishes and supports you in the deepest way.
If you’ve discovered that you struggle with this issue, be kind to yourself. Understand that self-pity is a maladaptive coping mechanism, but one that you can remove from your life with time, persistence, and patience.
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I fear that my past might affect my future. That if I were to be famous and successful, someone who was in my past might ruin it.
Hi my name is micheal from Nigeria I am presently in Europe I am living a life of pity for some why na, I am a young minister of God working hard to save God and hold on to be a pastor, but I ment a girl last year by the help of God and God said she is my wife to be she live in another city from me we do seen in a open place ones in a why, I love her so much more tham my self I can even die for her, but for some month na she is acting funny hurting me everyday she will not even care to call me or even pick my call sometime and why she is going out when I call her were are u going to she will refuse to tell me, I love her to the point if she even offend me I will be the one to tell her sorry for peace to rain, she is broken my heart everyday, because of this problem I can even flow in the things of God or in the world of God or in prayer again my spiritual life is dieing everyday because of love I want more grace and gifts from God is not working anymore, I feel like dieing I don’t have job or money to just marry her and just know she already my wife so that I can be happ, please help me I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like taking my life so that I can just rest from all this problems help me pls
I really don’t know if i was pushing myself way too hard or self-pity myself too much
I don’t know if I should take it easy on myself or go harder
How to deal with gender dysphoria? I can’t see myself as male, I want to be a girl. This creates huge depression and I don’t know how to deal with it at all… I just don’t see a point in doing anything. And I hate myself because I can’t be a girl
The question is why do you want to be a girl?
This is creepy because I was JUST thinking about my GD while reading this. I put up with being in a female body for 40 years. I tried to come out in the mid-90’s but was brutalized so much by the inner city high school kids that I had to move 3 hours away to another county. They beat me mercilessly, too. One of them got me in the head with a brick. Everyone laughed. The 90s were a time where there was zero love, no internet, no support. I didn’t even have parents. I was disowned by them when I was 9 and grew up in state, waiting in institutions to be adopted, imprisoned for 7 years.
As an adult seeker, I tried everything I could to remove ego attachments. I tried to remove identifying with gender, race, desires and culture altogether, as it of often preached. But I just felt empty without an identity.
There was one time when I was able to connect with the divine. I remembered going there and feeling what it felt like to be encompassed in unconditional love. But I cried too much and it damaged my brain. That cut me off from my own divine spirit and all love. Several failed treatments later, and I was worse than before, now with brain damage. I wish I could at least remember what it felt like to be in the arms of the divine. When I was, I wanted nothing else. It was SO gentle and completed me SO thoroughly, I didn’t need to be anything but WITH GOD. After feeling like I’ve been tossed in the garbage disposal, left on, no one can hear my prayers or, worse, they watch and don’t care, several suicide attempts, I lost that oneness and was dragged back into duality and disconnection, kicking and screaming. The GD was tolerable when I had a connection to the divine source. Now that I feel like I’ve been cut off from all love, it’s downright excruciating. How can one NOT feel like they are being punished? It doesn’t match the energy I felt when I was with the divine. I have been in therapy. Doesn’t work. What good is having insurance when no doctor ever will take it? I’m starting to believe the divine wants me to suffer. I feel like I’ve had my soul ripped out of my chest. I even payed $200 to a shaman for a soul retrieval. I just got increasingly worse. She just took my money. I was desperate and she took my money. This is supposedly a legit shaman, too. Helped so many people. Wtf am I just too brain-damaged? Haven’t been able to feel love, pleasure or connected to anything in almost a year.
I tried to pretend I could be fine with being this hairless, johnson-less “person” but that just made the pain worse. I think people who aren’t mismatched don’t understand what it feels like. They make it sound like if you can’t figure out the specific mental mechanics of rising above desire that, somehow, you brought it on yourself and therefore deserve to suffer. Their stories of victory minimize and discredit those who haven’t figured it out, yet. Worse, it makes us feel like we’re too stupid to figure it out.
“Can’t get your ego under control? Then you don’t deserve to ascend. You shall remain tethered to the wheel of suffering until you can grow one more brain cell so that you can figure out how not to use it correctly.”
I used to have so much love in my heart. I used to be able to forgive. I used to be able to see the bigger picture but this disease has cut off my arms, legs, wings and stuffed me back into a tiny box. No one cares. That’s what I learned.
I used to meditate and, inside, I would always find this gentle little light. Now, when I meditate, there’s just this cold, empty cavern where light used to be. We are told we are “wrong” by the spiritual community for having gender dysphoria. We are seen as people with unnecessary attachments. “If only you would let go.” That minimize the pain we suffer. That’s my end of it, at least while I’m still in the darkness. I wish I could find a way back to that beautiful place. All my cynicism will go away, again, like it did, last time. But this is where I’m at, right now. I haven’t eaten in days. I’m going to stretch it into a couple of weeks. Maybe then I will be so delirious, I will be able to connect to the divine and get some answers for us.
I want to kill myself sometimes. mostly it’s self pity
My wife often tells me that I am in a self pity mode and I constantly live in the state of denial. I really have to talk to someone to be able to express myself and then, if I am in that list of people with self pity- i will accept it. Is there a way to reach you?
It’s a good article but I’m wondering what about in cases where someone has suffered ongoing abuse and trauma in their developing years (and therefore developed PTSD or similar). They can have undergone intensive therapy, practice mindfulness and meditation regularly and attempt to live a conscious life and still experience depression and highly negative thoughts. I just want to say to trauma survivors that healing for some of us is not a one-time thing as much as I’d love for it to be like that. I actually had a spiritual awakening and thought wow, all my problems are gone! I’ve had to learn the hard way that it doesn’t work like that and that you do need to acknowledge the abuse and trauma you went through and yes, mourn the life you never got to live before you can actually let it go. This could be a life-long thing, I don’t know. I’m just going through it and thought I’d share with others who might be beating themselves up more after reading this article :) That’s not to say this article is incorrect or unhelpful! I’m just saying, healing requires patience and presence.
What’s written here can be very unhelpful to a person experiencing depression. Are you a trained therapist?
qfe
I agree. She’s describing depression not self pity. It’s quite horrible what she wrote.
Sadly, these types of articles reflect a skewed narrative on abnormal psychology. Although the author qualifies their comments a bit, there’s no mistaking that universal attitudes towards mental health need revamping, character defects notwithstanding.
I have a friend who’s trying to drag me into their pity party, but I don’t like pity, I like solutions and I’m not good at comforting. He’s getting hard to be around because of it. I’m not sure how to help without hurting. Any suggestions?
Well, if he’s getting unbearable, I’d clear out. No excuses, no apologies.
i became addicted to self soothing as a child in a turbulent and often neglectful household. thing is, imy self soothing was actually self pity. i remember the moment as a toddler making up a song about how daddy doesn’t love me. I remember keeping the lyrics in my head for fear of punishment. I remember staring up at my screaming parents and thinking they were so massive, they could just smash me. I sat on the floor staring up at them playing my pity party song on my little xylophone and it somehow being comforting. I imagined what people might say to me if they knew.
now im in my thirties and im still stuck. my marriage is dying and i just want to die. im still that child with bad coping mechanisms and im stuck. i want to change, but i always come back to this.
I too confuse self-pity with self-compassiin at times. One thing that works for me sometimes is to give compassion to the self-pitying part instead of condemning it like ‘Baaad pity! Baaad pity!’. It served us well earlier in life abd it wants to be loved, too, even if it isnt ghe solutiin for today. Love seems lije a general good tool for letting go of stubborn habits and beluefs. ‘Thank you, self-pity, for meaning well and serving me for do long, but maybe it is time to grow into something more wholesome.’ :)