All self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously. – Tom Robbins
I pity myself too much. This was the revelation I reached recently on my trip abroad, a trip I had the privilege to spend a lot of the time in quiet, meditative solitude.
Of all human emotions, perhaps the most useless and destructive is self-pity.
For me, it was very hard to realize that I’m a self-pitying person in regards to my chronic health problems. But the realization, although serving as a bitter slap in the face, has actually helped me to embrace life with a more open-minded, all-accepting attitude.
Let whatever comes come. Don’t fight, don’t struggle needlessly, and most of all, don’t mope for god’s sake.
What is Self-Pity?
Find it hard to accept a situation or circumstance in your life? Mull and muse over your problems constantly? Feel gloomy and depressed because of what life has dealt you? Feel like a victim? Have an inexplicable craving for the sympathy and condolences of others? Chances are that you’re a self-pitying person.
What is self-pity? It is an exaggerated sense of pity over one’s own life, position or circumstance. Most of us experience self-pity throughout our lifetimes, and although it can serve to be a self-soothing mechanism that assists us in later accepting or changing our circumstances, many times we make a toxic habit of it.
When self-pity is made a habit of, it not only impedes the progress we make in life, but it creates self-destructive cycles of self-sabotage. Sol wrote an article on the psychology of why misery can make you happy, which you may like to check out later.
11 Signs That You Chronically Self-Pity
Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world. ~ Helen Keller
How much of a self-pitying person are you? Find out below:
#1 You find it hard to laugh at life and at yourself.
Taking yourself too seriously, and finding it difficult to laugh at your predicaments and defeats is a tell-tale sign of self-pity.
#2 You tend to crave for drama.
In truth, you might be a Drama Queen and tend to have a melodramatic streak to you. Usually this stems from extremist types of thinking (e.g. black-and-white, all-or-nothing mindsets).
#3 You tend to crave for sympathy.
Self-pity is so addictive because it gives us the momentary pleasure of being supported, cared for and emotionally pampered. This is a dangerous, highly maladaptive way of developing emotional bonds and connections with other people.
#4 You tend to be an individualist.
Self-pity is one of the most effective ways of keeping yourself separate and independent from the friends, family and people around you.
#5 You tend to be a past-orientated person.
Some people live in the present, others in the future, and still others in the past. Self-pity is inextricably linked to past-focused mindsets that dwell on past events.
#6 You have low self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem tend to crave the acceptance and affection of other people as a way of feeling better about themselves. The tragic-life-story that self-pitying creates is an excellent way of collecting flocks of supporters.
#7 You have a melancholic temperament.
I’ve written about the melancholic, sanguine, choleric and phlegmatic temperaments before. The melancholic temperament in particular is given to bouts of brooding and deep introspection, which can serve as a perfect breeding ground for self-pity.
#8 Deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of love.
This stems from low self-esteem and creates a cycle of self-destructive behavior. Self-pity is one of the greatest tools for the self-destructive person. It creates self-fulfilling prophecies and alienates all the people you love and admire from you.
#9 You have an unhealthy habit of being self-absorbed.
Quite simply, the more self-absorbed you are, the more likely you are to fall into the trap of self-pity.
#10 You have a strong fighting instinct.
This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what you choose to use it for. When used in a negative sense, the fighting instinct is used to battle against life, to fight against the tide, and to fight against accepting reality.
#11 You subconsciously feel guilty.
Often times self-pity is an unconscious way of avoiding taking responsibility for personal actions or decisions made in the past. When we find it too difficult to accept the wrong that we’ve committed, sometimes we tend to hide from it by making ourselves the victims, rather than other people. In this case, self-pity is the perfect cowardly self-defense mechanism.
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Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug. ~ Og Mandino
Feeling sorry for yourself is normal, and in some instance can serve as a natural stepping stone to developing acceptance of the difficulties and failures in your life. However, many of us make a habit out of self-pity, either to avoid taking personal responsibility, to avoid taking action, or simply to gain sickly and unhealthy forms of affection and attention from other people.
If you’ve discovered that you struggle with this issue, be kind to yourself. Understand that self-pity is a maladaptive coping mechanism, but one that you can remove from your life with time, persistence, and patience.
I agree. I’m in this place right now. I’m acknowledging some insidious childhood abuse and ways this set me up to make terrible decisions that further traumatized me. Mental-emotional abuse catches up to anyone and it is corrosive and hard to detect. I still have made poor decisions that I dont wish to repeat and I feel shame and guilt over these things. Just because I’ve experienced childhood abuse and chronic traumatization doesn’t mean I dont have to own how I’ve acted or how I impact others. It’s only that I wish to understand why that is the case and also to develop compassion for my self on why I acted in those ways. Self knowledge is a strength. However, its terribly difficult to recover from and it isn’t my fault. I do envy those who dont have to go through this and I also do envy those who are successful in their lives. It’s true. Whether I truly want what they have is another question versus what I think they have. It’s in these moments that I forgot about my own gifts and potentials that could be given to others and redeemed by working through it. And I’m not a complainer either, I’ve worked very hard in my life and constantly prioritize setting myself up to contribute, make the world around me a better place to live and emphasize the importance of healing.
I’m self centered often and self absorbed at times lol. I’m also highly self reflective and geared towards self and collective responsibility. It’s a weakness and a strength. I also wish for everyone to have a more inward orientation because I’ve seen the ways that having an outward orientation to life is dangerous and partly has us in the global predicament we see ourselves today. I also recognize that narcissism, wallowing in emotions and excessive internal reflection is a danger too. There’s no linear method for advice on the matter. I’m a fool even on some of my best days lol. I can find myself on most of the numerated bullet points.
I’m also trying to heal! I read that self pity can also be a poor maladaptive response to needing self compassion. I see the rugged individualists response of ‘suck it up; stop thinking about yourself ‘ just as maladaptive in the long run as the inactive self absorption-self pitying train where the person genuinely doesn’t care to make their life better. I would say seek the help you need, find environments that allow you to feel and let the inner child pain body feel the pity, rage and sadness he-she feels. And take action and help others too. As much as you can manage. Stop taking yourself so seriously if that’s actually what’s going on. Create strength and rituals that strengthen our mind-body spirit system. But allow yourself to feel-heal. Both trains of thought lack compassion and emotional maturity. I think this the core of self pity. Self compassion and forgiveness. The rugged individualists certainly can be more adaptive in the short term but as a society I dont think we deepen and wise up. And we need to do so because our ecology and the plight of the poor are increasingly an issue that won’t go away. Some people do have tougher roads, they need support to feel their pain and begin to take responsibility for their state through honest reflection. There is going to be past failures and maladaptive responses and decisions to life, trauma and emotional wounding which create all sorts of disequilibrium in the mind-body-spirit system. It can take awhile to get back on line if they get what they need.
Everybody has gifts and their gifts are often in their adversity. These people are also resources for our entire world. Ironically part of their gift may be the kind of compassion and wisdom born out of their struggles and maturing perspective through adversity. Compassion and Wisdom mind you that the rugged individualists rot with righteousness and ‘strong minds’ could probably use themselves that they hide under their well trained mental gymnastics and project onto others.
I agree with commenter above. It’s part of my disdain expressed here. The suck it up thought train simply does not help and can excaberate the problem.
Interesting, however I think there is a fine line between self-pity and depression. And the last one, about feeling guilty is often depression and anxiety combined. Maybe the author’s self-reflection was helpful for them, but for me it blithely ignores some signs of depression and labels them as self-pity instead.
I found this article interesting. Yes, I did and to this day still do find myself in a position where it is difficult to accept myself or my situation #1.) I do mull and muse over my problems incessantly. I am depressed and gloomy over my situation. One thing I DO NOT do is crave the sympathy of others (I don’t think.) Pretty sure no. I definitely have found it hard to laugh at myself for a long time. I did when I was younger (but I also often times craved that sympathy…which to me meant acceptance.) The drama queen bit? It’s possible. For years I worked with a counselor who cautioned me against black and white thinking — shades of grey. #3. I don’t know? I do enjoy the ability to share my situation and problems with people who don’t judge me. Is that self pity? #4.) I am an individualist. No doubt. Walked my own road. My whole life. 5.) Past oriented person? Yup. #6.) Low self esteem? I did. Thought I have worked on it. Mostly from turning inward and learning to love myself. Self acceptance. #7.) Melancholic personality? Brooding? Yup. #8.) I don’t think so. Quite the opposite. The introspection and self reflection I think have motivated me to find love. #9.) Self absorbed? Self responsible? I don’t know. I read somewhere before reading this about the difference between self compassion and self indulgence. ….I found that interesting. #10.) ? I’m Irish. Of course I fight :) Externally when I was younger — solve the world’s problems. More internally since moving toward self reflection — with still some external — #11.) Yeah. This one hit home. I was face with a big family knot when I was younger — something in the family generations before and when it was my turn to face it I thrashed. I became angry and definitely turned inward looking for others to blame. And I found plenty of cause — yet, I have become separated and unhappy.
I am grateful for this article. I prefer to sit with things for a while before jumping (reacting) wholeheartedly but for some reason this is on my radar.
I did have a rather big life thing happen recently where I did just have to laugh.
And even in my drama / dramatic story I have often thought — someday this will make quite the story.
I don’t know. Time will tell.
This does sort of go along with the amends I am supposed to be making with my parents though and my struggle in doing so. I would like to do so — I often fear I am just waiting time and life — and yet, I am just not there yet. :/
(Is this sympathy seeking??? Is it not self understanding??)
:)
Thanks,
ha..haha…..what a joke…Tom Robbins did a really bad impression of Vonneguy…you want money?? gimme a break…to serious?? Take your writing more serious…..still life with woodpecker….woW
im on the situation that i didn’t know what is going on.
I’m glad I ran across this article. I was feeling very sad and now have become aware of different types of pity. I was feeling pity from my family. I know its not all them.
Everything in the article is a copy paste of what people with an abuse complex experience. People don’t end up like this without reason. This article simply identifies a type of person and implies ” watch out for them ” or ” don’t be like this “. Receipts of narcissistic abuse develop eerily similar patterns. We are at the point in society where we need to start asking why and how. In my life I’ve found the people with the greatest disdain for these ” pathetic victims ” to be a large part of the problem.
I’m so glad I read your comment Barry. There is a lot of victim-blaming among these articles. I myself have developed self-pity after receiving none from other people, despite my dire circumstances. I feel I have to overcompensate for a lack of anybody else’s care.
Yes, thank you so much for this comment, Barry.
I partially agree. I think both extremes are the problem to be honest with you and i’m on the fence because they simultaneously have some solid aspects in some ways but poor in other ways. While their are some good points the article addresses when it comes to self-pity, such as demanding sympathy, it also makes points that are misleading and not analogous to it, such as felling guilty. Gulit is not a sign of self-pity because deep down, you are addressing your responsibility and are upset at your self for not taking action. Instead, the article goes on about guilt being the complete opposite of that by saying it’s a victimhood mentality of irresponsibility.