All self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.
– Tom Robbins
Of all human habits, chronic self-pity is perhaps the most unhealthy.
Why?
Self-pity is like a psychic bloodsucker that drains away our hope, happiness, gratitude, and good humor.
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Self-pity fuels depression, constant anxiety, and feelings of emptiness and isolation.
While self-pity is totally normal and we all pity ourselves from time to time, it can become like a virus in our minds when turned into an unconscious habit.
Table of contents
What is Self-Pity?
Self-pity is an exaggerated sense of pity over one’s own life, position or circumstance.
Most of us experience self-pity throughout our lifetimes, and although it can be a self-soothing mechanism that assists us in later accepting/changing our circumstances, sometimes it can stick to us like a psychic leech.
When self-pity is made into a habit, it not only stunts our self-worth, but it also creates self-destructive cycles of self-sabotage.
11 Signs of Self-Pity
Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.
~ Helen Keller
Common signs of a person given to harboring too much self-pity include:
#1 You find it hard to laugh at life and at yourself
Taking yourself too seriously and finding it difficult to laugh at your predicaments and defeats are tell-tale signs of self-pity.
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#2 You tend to crave for drama
You have a melodramatic streak that stems from extremist types of thinking (e.g., black-and-white + all-or-nothing mindsets).
#3 You tend to crave for sympathy
Self-pity is so addictive because it gives us the momentary pleasure of being supported, cared for, and emotionally pampered. Unfortunately, this is an unhealthy way of developing emotional bonds and connections with other people.
#4 You tend to be an individualist
Self-pity is one of the most effective ways of keeping yourself separate and independent from the friends, family, and people around you.
#5 You tend to be a past-orientated person
Some people live in the present, others live in the future, and still, others live in the past. Self-pity is closely linked to past-focused mindsets that dwell on events that happened a while ago.
#6 You have low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem tend to crave the acceptance and affection of other people as a way of feeling better about themselves. The presentation of having a “tragic life story” that self-pitying people often talk a lot about creates an excellent way of collecting flocks of supporters.
#7 You have a melancholic temperament
I’ve written about the melancholic, sanguine, choleric, and phlegmatic temperaments before. The melancholic temperament, in particular, is given to bouts of brooding and deep introspection, which can serve as a perfect breeding ground for self-pity.
#8 Deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of love
This stems from low self-esteem and creates a cycle of self-destructive behavior. Self-pity is one of the greatest tools for the self-destructive person. It creates self-fulfilling prophecies and alienates all the people you love and admire from you.
#9 You have an unhealthy habit of being self-absorbed
Quite simply, the more self-absorbed you are, the more likely you are of falling into the trap of self-pity.
#10 You have a strong fighting instinct
Having a strong fighting instinct can be a good or bad thing depending on what you choose to use it for. When used in a negative sense, the fighting instinct is used to battle against life, fight against the tide, and fight against accepting reality.
#11 You subconsciously feel guilty
Often, self-pity is an unconscious way of avoiding taking responsibility for personal actions or decisions made in the past. When we find it too difficult to accept the wrong that we’ve committed, sometimes we tend to hide from it by making ourselves the victims, rather than other people. In this case, self-pity is the perfect self-defense mechanism.
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Self-Pity & Shadow Work
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
– John W. Gardner
If you’ve made it up to this point in the article, chances are that something within your life has recently shone a light on this negative trait within yourself.
Whether it was pointed out by another person, discovered while doing some journaling, or revealed by a dark night of the soul, self-pity can make life feel hellish.
We can feel insecure, ashamed, embarrassed, or flat-out angry toward ourselves when coming face to face with our own self-pity.
Don’t worry. As I said before, this is a normal human trait. Also, no one is perfect, and that’s okay. So practice self-kindness. The good thing is that now you’re aware of this habit and you can do something about it.
One powerful preliminary step I recommend to overcoming self-pity is to explore your toxic core beliefs.
At the very heart of chronic self-pity is at least one deeply held mistaken belief about ourselves. So I strongly recommend reading and learning about core beliefs.
12 Essential Ways of Overcoming Self-Pity
Discovering that we suffer from chronic self-pity – and taking steps to overcome this issue – is part of the process of self-growth and spiritual transformation.
So if you suspect that you constantly self-pity, don’t fight it.
Don’t hide from your self-pity in shame or embarrassment, rather, face it and accept it as a fact of your life.
Embrace the fact that you are flawed and fallible … just like everyone else. Only then can you hope to make long-lasting changes within yourself!
Below you’ll find a list of beginner-friendly ways to overcome self-pity:
1) Keep a gratitude journal and write in it for 10 minutes every day
Keeping a gratitude journal, where you write down a list of things that you’re thankful for each day, is one effective way of re-programming your thought patterns.
Nothing is too small or irrelevant to write down. For instance, something like “I’m thankful that this cup of tea is warm” or “I appreciate the softness of my pillow,” are perfect candidates for being grateful.
Whatever you are thankful for, write it down!
Learn more about how to journal, or if you prefer a more guided approach check out our self-love journal.
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2) Grow a plant. Raise some herbs. Garden!
According to a survey conducted in 2013, 80 percent of gardeners reported that they were “happy” and “satisfied” with their lives, compared to the 67% of non-gardeners surveyed.
Not only does gardening remove the attention and energy you place on yourself and redirect it to something other than yourself, but it also instills you with a sense of accomplishment!
3) Sit in the sun
According to studies, vitamin D (which you gain from the sun), actually helps to improve your mood and energy levels, whilst decreasing depression. Ensuring that you get enough sun exposure each day is a good way to fight self-pity.
4) Watch funny videos, clips, and pictures
This is an excellent way of breaking yourself out of the self-pity cycle. Good websites to check out are Reddit and YouTube.
5) Get a pet animal
Whether it’s a dog, cat, bunny, guinea pig, fish, studies show that caring for a pet helps to reduce depression, thus helping you to overcome self-pity.
6) Read this infographic
This is powerful and eye-opening:
7) Take regular long walks
Exercise has been proven to boost the levels of endorphins in your brain, which are responsible for elevating your mood (plus a million other benefits). You may also like to consider joining a gym, or investing in your own sports equipment if you prefer privacy.
8) Meditate
Meditation is a miraculous cure for many mental ills, however, it does require patience and persistence. By meditating for just 10 minutes a day, you increase your ability to become self-aware, and thus your ability to catch yourself in the act of fulfilling self-pitying thoughts.
9) Inner work
Inner work is an all-encompassing life practice that involves developing more self-awareness.
When we practice inner work, we consciously decide to go on a journey to reconnect with our inner needs, core wounds, and true life purpose.
A big part of inner work involves becoming aware of your shadow self and the way in which it undermines your life.
However, before diving into your shadow (which can be scary!) I recommend learning how to love yourself – it’s a crucial preliminary step.
10) Help those less fortunate than you
Volunteering helps put your life into perspective, encouraging you to appreciate what you have more. Volunteering also boosts self-esteem, confidence, and compassion – in short, it gets you out of self-pitying spirals!
11) Try to minimalize your environment
Cluttered and messy environments contribute to paranoia, hoarding tendencies, anxiety, and depression. By simplifying your environment, you may find that your psychological and emotional welfare is significantly increased.
12) Seek for inspiration in the words of others
There’s so much inspiration out there on the internet. Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, and pretty much every social network, blog, and microblog known to humanity have something uplifting to provide.
I personally gravitate to saving inspiring quotes because they’re so readily available.
Why do we see these inspiring quotes everywhere? Answer: because we LOVE them.
We are deeply affected by the words of others. And sometimes, we find a quote that speaks to the deepest parts of our souls, a quote that changes us and revolutionizes the way we see everything.
So why not create a collection of your own inspirational quotes? One of my favorite ways is by creating themed boards on Pinterest.
Conclusion
Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug.
~ Og Mandino
Feeling sorry for yourself is normal.
But oftentimes this habit can cause us to avoid taking personal responsibility and bypass taking action.
Self-pity can also be a false substitute for love from others. But by learning how to practice self-care and adjust your mindset, you can create a life environment that nourishes and supports you in the deepest way.
If you’ve discovered that you struggle with this issue, be kind to yourself. Understand that self-pity is a maladaptive coping mechanism, but one that you can remove from your life with time, persistence, and patience.
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I’ve been feeling really gloomy lately and I know I’m not depressed but I do know you can make your own-self really sad. I think I’ve been doing this because everyone I know has their hobbies and their own things. I honestly don’t have any hobbies other than watch tv, read, and journal my emotions. I just feel so lifeless sometimes and kind of sad because of it. I’m literally making my own-self sad about this and not doing anything about it and should do something. Thank you for posting this . I realize I struggle with things like self pity and holding unto things which causes me to explode. Or I allow little things to annoy me
I have mark on my nose that’s why I feel self-pity.i don’t believe I am worthy of love.
If you are outgoing and serving others in love, people will stop noticing the mark on your nose and they will enjoy the loving, caring, serving person they see helping them :) Don’t dwell on yourself …dwell on the needs of others
I think you possibly have the talent to write short story and publish the story! Write about something you know about and share it . Someone needs your knowledge.
Bam! Shot myself in the foot!
I found this article very helpful! Thank you and God bless! ❤️
I agree. I’m in this place right now. I’m acknowledging some insidious childhood abuse and ways this set me up to make terrible decisions that further traumatized me. Mental-emotional abuse catches up to anyone and it is corrosive and hard to detect. I still have made poor decisions that I dont wish to repeat and I feel shame and guilt over these things. Just because I’ve experienced childhood abuse and chronic traumatization doesn’t mean I dont have to own how I’ve acted or how I impact others. It’s only that I wish to understand why that is the case and also to develop compassion for my self on why I acted in those ways. Self knowledge is a strength. However, its terribly difficult to recover from and it isn’t my fault. I do envy those who dont have to go through this and I also do envy those who are successful in their lives. It’s true. Whether I truly want what they have is another question versus what I think they have. It’s in these moments that I forgot about my own gifts and potentials that could be given to others and redeemed by working through it. And I’m not a complainer either, I’ve worked very hard in my life and constantly prioritize setting myself up to contribute, make the world around me a better place to live and emphasize the importance of healing.
I’m self centered often and self absorbed at times lol. I’m also highly self reflective and geared towards self and collective responsibility. It’s a weakness and a strength. I also wish for everyone to have a more inward orientation because I’ve seen the ways that having an outward orientation to life is dangerous and partly has us in the global predicament we see ourselves today. I also recognize that narcissism, wallowing in emotions and excessive internal reflection is a danger too. There’s no linear method for advice on the matter. I’m a fool even on some of my best days lol. I can find myself on most of the numerated bullet points.
I’m also trying to heal! I read that self pity can also be a poor maladaptive response to needing self compassion. I see the rugged individualists response of ‘suck it up; stop thinking about yourself ‘ just as maladaptive in the long run as the inactive self absorption-self pitying train where the person genuinely doesn’t care to make their life better. I would say seek the help you need, find environments that allow you to feel and let the inner child pain body feel the pity, rage and sadness he-she feels. And take action and help others too. As much as you can manage. Stop taking yourself so seriously if that’s actually what’s going on. Create strength and rituals that strengthen our mind-body spirit system. But allow yourself to feel-heal. Both trains of thought lack compassion and emotional maturity. I think this the core of self pity. Self compassion and forgiveness. The rugged individualists certainly can be more adaptive in the short term but as a society I dont think we deepen and wise up. And we need to do so because our ecology and the plight of the poor are increasingly an issue that won’t go away. Some people do have tougher roads, they need support to feel their pain and begin to take responsibility for their state through honest reflection. There is going to be past failures and maladaptive responses and decisions to life, trauma and emotional wounding which create all sorts of disequilibrium in the mind-body-spirit system. It can take awhile to get back on line if they get what they need.
Everybody has gifts and their gifts are often in their adversity. These people are also resources for our entire world. Ironically part of their gift may be the kind of compassion and wisdom born out of their struggles and maturing perspective through adversity. Compassion and Wisdom mind you that the rugged individualists rot with righteousness and ‘strong minds’ could probably use themselves that they hide under their well trained mental gymnastics and project onto others.
I agree with commenter above. It’s part of my disdain expressed here. The suck it up thought train simply does not help and can excaberate the problem.
Lot’s of power to you! I can feel you as a fellow person who went through the same trauma that you have mentioned. Let’s grow stronger. Redeem ourselves! Your scars are beautiful!
Wow, I started reading this and it was like I read my own story. It’s times like this when you hear someone out there has gone through the same thing as you and is going through the same healing process as you. The one thing I wish would be addressed more is age. I always hear people say go back to the time before the trauma but there is no before when you’re just a toddler when it happened and continued till preschool. I have no before the trauma. Before the trauma I was barely out of the womb. My rage and hatred consumed my life. I didn’t just insult people, I destroyed them and that included my kids. The only thing I think about is how it affected them and how to say I’m sorry. It breaks my heart.
Wow! Your writing and thoughts are book-worthy. Keen insight here and my thoughts exactly!
What a eye opener!!!!
Reading the passage & comments have given me a rude awakening!!! It’s time to take a look at me, myself & I!!!
THANKS!
Self compassion, self pity …they’re still all geared around the self. The only way to come OUT of the SELF is to gear your mind to thinking of and serving OTHERS. Then we begin to experience true joy …not from selfish gain, but from a service-minded attitude of GIVING :)
Interesting, however I think there is a fine line between self-pity and depression. And the last one, about feeling guilty is often depression and anxiety combined. Maybe the author’s self-reflection was helpful for them, but for me it blithely ignores some signs of depression and labels them as self-pity instead.
Vitamin B12 / 1000ug one / or two a day helps and can rid your of depression just try it and see.
You’re right, B12 – even the full B-complex – can help some people lift up from depression and even some forms of madness/mental problems.
Thank you. I find such articles to be a tad judgmental, and dont take into account what some people have had to endure. A philosopher always knows how to handle a situation until it happens to them.
Can eternal victims pity themselves somewhere else and stop abusing family/friends who had bleep to do with why you’re self-pitying yourself? People who constantly coddle you Eternal Victims but get beat down while doing it don’t deserve your abuse because you were abused in your childhood. At some point, buck up and take responsibility!
I found this article interesting. Yes, I did and to this day still do find myself in a position where it is difficult to accept myself or my situation #1.) I do mull and muse over my problems incessantly. I am depressed and gloomy over my situation. One thing I DO NOT do is crave the sympathy of others (I don’t think.) Pretty sure no. I definitely have found it hard to laugh at myself for a long time. I did when I was younger (but I also often times craved that sympathy…which to me meant acceptance.) The drama queen bit? It’s possible. For years I worked with a counselor who cautioned me against black and white thinking — shades of grey. #3. I don’t know? I do enjoy the ability to share my situation and problems with people who don’t judge me. Is that self pity? #4.) I am an individualist. No doubt. Walked my own road. My whole life. 5.) Past oriented person? Yup. #6.) Low self esteem? I did. Thought I have worked on it. Mostly from turning inward and learning to love myself. Self acceptance. #7.) Melancholic personality? Brooding? Yup. #8.) I don’t think so. Quite the opposite. The introspection and self reflection I think have motivated me to find love. #9.) Self absorbed? Self responsible? I don’t know. I read somewhere before reading this about the difference between self compassion and self indulgence. ….I found that interesting. #10.) ? I’m Irish. Of course I fight :) Externally when I was younger — solve the world’s problems. More internally since moving toward self reflection — with still some external — #11.) Yeah. This one hit home. I was face with a big family knot when I was younger — something in the family generations before and when it was my turn to face it I thrashed. I became angry and definitely turned inward looking for others to blame. And I found plenty of cause — yet, I have become separated and unhappy.
I am grateful for this article. I prefer to sit with things for a while before jumping (reacting) wholeheartedly but for some reason this is on my radar.
I did have a rather big life thing happen recently where I did just have to laugh.
And even in my drama / dramatic story I have often thought — someday this will make quite the story.
I don’t know. Time will tell.
This does sort of go along with the amends I am supposed to be making with my parents though and my struggle in doing so. I would like to do so — I often fear I am just waiting time and life — and yet, I am just not there yet. :/
(Is this sympathy seeking??? Is it not self understanding??)
:)
Thanks,
ha..haha…..what a joke…Tom Robbins did a really bad impression of Vonneguy…you want money?? gimme a break…to serious?? Take your writing more serious…..still life with woodpecker….woW
im on the situation that i didn’t know what is going on.
I’m glad I ran across this article. I was feeling very sad and now have become aware of different types of pity. I was feeling pity from my family. I know its not all them.
Everything in the article is a copy paste of what people with an abuse complex experience. People don’t end up like this without reason. This article simply identifies a type of person and implies ” watch out for them ” or ” don’t be like this “. Receipts of narcissistic abuse develop eerily similar patterns. We are at the point in society where we need to start asking why and how. In my life I’ve found the people with the greatest disdain for these ” pathetic victims ” to be a large part of the problem.
I’m so glad I read your comment Barry. There is a lot of victim-blaming among these articles. I myself have developed self-pity after receiving none from other people, despite my dire circumstances. I feel I have to overcompensate for a lack of anybody else’s care.
Yes, thank you! Unfortunately, there are many sanctimonious victim blames within the so-called helping professions. So, even if you seek help, you may be further wounded by their devices.
So true! Now I’ve learned not to trust mental health professionals after a couple of cases of mistreatment.
Yes, thank you so much for this comment, Barry.
I partially agree. I think both extremes are the problem to be honest with you and i’m on the fence because they simultaneously have some solid aspects in some ways but poor in other ways. While their are some good points the article addresses when it comes to self-pity, such as demanding sympathy, it also makes points that are misleading and not analogous to it, such as felling guilty. Gulit is not a sign of self-pity because deep down, you are addressing your responsibility and are upset at your self for not taking action. Instead, the article goes on about guilt being the complete opposite of that by saying it’s a victimhood mentality of irresponsibility.