At some point or another we’ve all heard these words before:
“Suck it up princess!” “Be a man!” “Stop being a cry-baby,” “Get over it,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Get thicker skin!”
While these words were likely spoken without consciously intending us long-term harm, they nevertheless point to a common and undeniably tragic truth in our society: that expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness, rather than strength.
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If you were born into an emotionally repressed culture that valued the “masculine” ideals of efficiency and logic, it is likely that you struggle with some level of emotional numbness.
If you were born into a family that shunned any form of strong emotional expression, it is even more likely that emotional numbing is an issue for you.
And if you experienced an extremely traumatic life event that was simply too overwhelming for you to handle (from which you haven’t recovered), I can almost guarantee that you suffer from emotional numbness.
So how does emotional numbness impact virtually every part of our life? And what advice can I share with you after going through my own struggle with this issue? Keep reading and you’ll find out.
Table of contents
What is Emotional Numbness?
Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism employed by the mind to avoid intense and overwhelming emotions such as fear, hatred, jealousy, and grief. When you go emotionally numb, you lose the ability to feel and experience your emotions on a psychological and emotional level. In this sense, emotional numbness is often clinically connected with dissociation, which is the disconnection from one’s memories, identity, environment, body, or senses.
What Causes Emotional Numbness?
As with most issues, emotional numbness goes back to childhood and the way we were raised by our parents. Being abused by our parents physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or spiritually can contribute towards our inability to self-regulate emotions, which results in emotional numbness. Feeling alienated or disconnected from one or both of our parents, or family at large, can also contribute towards emotional numbness. Being punished whether directly or indirectly for expressing our emotions in childhood also creates emotional numbness.
Numbing our emotions may also start after a severely traumatic experience, such as witnessing acts of violence, being assaulted, experiencing rape, suffering intense loss, or anything that we didn’t have the capacity to psychologically and emotionally handle in the moment. For this reason, emotional numbness is often a symptom of PTSD and various anxiety disorders. You can take our free emotional trauma test to explore this further.
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Emotional numbness is also influenced by our culture and wider social circles, particularly those that emphasize being stoic, rational, and emotionally invulnerable (e.g., British, Chinese, American, Russian).
The Danger of Emotional Numbness
If you even have the slightest inkling that you might be emotionally numb, it’s time to listen up. Emotional numbness is not a small character flaw or minor area of self-growth to improve in – it is a serious problem which needs to be addressed immediately.
Speaking from experience, emotional numbness has formed the root of many issues I have faced (and still continue to face) in my life. Due to my upbringing in an emotionally stunted, dogmatically religious family whom I felt disconnected from for the majority of my life, I never learned how to handle strong emotions. I was punished verbally, emotionally or physically anytime I expressed strong emotions, and freethinking or any form of dissent was rejected, resulting in being ostracized.
The combination of having a British father and a mother who was traumatized by her own emotionally unstable mother – on top of an oppressive fundamentalist religion – led to grooming me as a stoic and “stable” person who was taught that expressing emotions was not only bad but shameful.
As you can see, sometimes there are numerous factors at play that may contribute to your inability to regulate intense emotions, and therefore resort to unconsciously numbing them. In my case, I learned that strong emotions = punishment in one form or another, and so I learned that they were dangerous to experience.
The danger of disconnecting from your emotions is that it can lead to a host of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Such issues may include dysfunctional coping mechanisms (obsessive compulsions), mild to severe depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses (illnesses produced by the mind).
In extreme cases (and I’m talking about situations where emotional contact is nil), emotional numbness can lead to acts of cruelty.
Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?
I call emotional numbness the secret illness because it is so pervasive in our society, and so socially acceptable, that it often flies underneath the radar. In a society that largely doesn’t know how to handle strong emotions in healthy ways, being stoic and “level-headed” is valued – yet this very same calm and collected facade often conceals unhealthy detachment from one’s feelings. Thus, emotional numbness is a secret illness because so many of us struggle with it, yet don’t even realize that we have it until chronic issues start emerging.
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13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness
Emotional detachment is not always a bad thing. It comes in handy when you need to maintain boundaries, avoid undesired energy overload from others, and even help others in crisis situations. But emotional detachment turns into its unhealthy twin (emotional numbness) when it becomes an automatic inner defense mechanism.
“What’s so great about feeling strong emotions?” you might ask. The answer is that without feeling our emotions, we don’t have the capacity to live and learn from them or experience the beauty and depth of life.
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Here are some of the most significant signs of emotional numbness that you should look out for:
- Inability to express strong negative or positive emotions
- Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e., feeling like you’re a passive observer)
- Feeling that life is like a dream (a sense unreality)
- Living on autopilot
- Lack of interest in activities others find enjoyable
- Feeling distant from others
- The tendency to withdraw from friends and family members
- Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind (or else are completely muted in the body and show up only as illness)
- Dislike of people who express strong emotions (both positive and negative)
- Not feeling anything in situations that would usually generate strong emotion
- Panic or terror when strong emotions eventually breakthrough
- Feeling empty inside
- Physical and emotional numbness or “flatness”
In extreme circumstances (such as in PTSD sufferers), emotional numbness may even influence the desire to commit suicide. If you are considering suicide, please seek out support immediately (click here to locate your country’s suicide hotline).
How to Overcome Emotional Numbness
Like any psychological defense mechanism, emotional numbing can be complex to deal with, and often requires support from a trained professional such as a therapist.
If you feel that emotional numbness is significantly impairing your life, please do an act of self-compassion and seek out support either locally or online (there are even free counseling services online such as 7cups).
For the time being, here are some helpful practices which I have personally found to increase my ability to feel, cope with, and express strong emotions:
1. Anchor yourself to your body
As mentioned above, emotional numbing is connected to dissociation (mental disconnection from one part of yourself). In my case, whenever I experience strong emotions, my automatic response is to either (a) only feel the emotions in my body, not my mind, or (b) to have a complete meltdown. In both cases, one of the best self-soothing mechanisms I’ve learned is to anchor myself to my body through mindfulness and physical contact. Similar to what a mother does with her child, I tightly but gently hold one area of my body – usually my hand or stomach. This method helps me to feel contained and grounded in my body.
I also recommend using shapewear or a pressure vest to help you in extremely emotionally turbulent periods to anchor yourself to your body (here is a good example of shapewear). Shapewear is used by women and men to keep “love handles” and other body parts slim and defined. For our purposes, shapewear is like a hug to the body that will help you feel safe and ‘held together.’ Pressure vests are a little more expensive and they are used by people with sensory integration disorders (such as autism) to relax.
2. Deep breathing
Whether used alone or in conjunction with the above-mentioned technique, deep breathing is a simple and easy way to help you mindfully move through whatever you’re experiencing. This practice is particularly useful when intense feelings such as fear or rage break through. There are many books out there that talk about the importance of deep breathing (such as this one), and there are many online tutorials with breathing techniques. I recommend sticking to something simple, something you don’t have to think about too much, and something that doesn’t feel forced. The point of deep breathing isn’t to follow someone else’s technique perfectly, it is to use your breath (in whatever way suits you), to calm your mind and body. Also, I recommend breathing slowly, deeply, and softly instead of forcing deep breaths (which can increase anxiety) – let your breath be natural. Read more about how to relax using deep breathing.
3. Keep a journal of sad thoughts
I realize this suggestion may sound a tad bit melancholic, but it’s a practice worthy of your time and effort, particularly if you’re wanting to feel and express your emotions. Journaling is also a powerful form of shadow work (a way to express what you would usually suppress).
In a physical journal or online diary, spend five to ten minutes every day writing down something which triggers even the slightest pang of sadness in you. For example, you might write down a memory of your dog who died, an issue in the world, something someone said to you, a scene from a movie, a daily struggle … or virtually anything that is upsetting (or what you imagine would be upsetting).
Creating a sad thoughts diary has two main benefits. One, it helps you express your emotions, even if in an indirect way at first. And two, it acts as a catalyst for feeling and letting out your emotions, particularly when you need momentum (I’ll elaborate more on this soon). Learn more about how to journal.
Always try to finish your sad thought journalling with something uplifting, like reading the uplifting news subreddit, spending time with someone you love, playing with a pet, or watching something entertaining on youtube or Netflix.
4. Catharsis (let it all out, baby!)
When emotionally numbing ourselves becomes our default defense mechanism, we tend to have a huge amount of suppressed emotion lying just beneath our conscious awareness. In order to safely and effectively express your suppressed emotions, try some form of catharsis. Catharsis may involve screaming into or punching a pillow, using your sad thoughts journal (mentioned above) to stimulate sadness and crying, intense emotional-fuelled exercise, impassioned dancing, or an active meditation.
Regular catharsis should be a must on your journey. Without regularly ‘letting it all out,’ you run the risk of experiencing the repercussions of festering emotions (i.e., depression, emptiness, chronic illness, etc.).
5. Yoga and self-massage
Yoga is a well-known way of helping to clear and balance your energy. Not only that, but yoga often has a way of releasing emotions stored in the body. I recommend doing slow and gentle forms of yoga such as Hatha yoga for at least ten minutes a day. Remember, the goal isn’t to become some Instagram-perfect yoga star; it is to connect with your body, mind, and heart.
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The truth is that our unexpressed and repressed emotions are often stored within our bodies. I like to think of our bodies as being reflections of our unconscious mind: they are maps that help us to figure out what we are keeping locked away, and what unresolved issues we need to face. In my article about chronic muscle tension, I list the nine types of emotions trapped in different areas of the body. In order to release these emotions, I regularly use something called the ‘Acuball’ to introduce fresh blood flow and energy into these tense areas. I like the Acuball because it gives me a deep tissue massage, while also helping me to stay grounded in my body, relax, and release pent-up stress. (You can get the Acuball here).
6. Creatively express your feelings (or lack thereof)
Write a song, doodle in a journal, paint a picture, create a collage, find some way of expressing what emotion you last felt. If you struggle to feel anything at all, express that artistically. Grab those greys and blacks and turn that damn page into your own work of art. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. Does even the slightest feeling of satisfaction enter you? Journal about these emotions.
7. Take care of your inner child
As it was your child self that likely copped the trauma that caused you to default to emotional numbing, take care of this part of you. Practice inner child work and find ways of comforting and nurturing this vulnerable place within you. You may even like to create empowering affirmations for your inner child to help him or her access emotions. For example, you might repeat to yourself when you are in a difficult circumstance, “It is OK for me to feel,” “It is safe for me to feel sad,” “My anger is valid,” “Being vulnerable is being strong,” and so forth.
8. Dedicate space and time to feeling
In our busy lives, it is very easy to numb and distract ourselves with social media, the TV, shopping, food, social commitments, and other things that constantly cause us to look outside. Looking inside is much harder and requires far more self-discipline, hence why most people don’t do it. If you are serious about overcoming your emotional numbness, you will need to dedicate space and time to all of the activities I have mentioned in this article. If you struggle with self-discipline, I recommend making yourself externally accountable by joining a spiritual meditation group or other practice to help you turn inwards. Please don’t skip this step, it is imperative that you spend time exploring your inner self, and in particular, what you are repressing and why.
Emotional Numbness Q&A
Here are some commonly asked questions about emotional numbness. Hopefully they’ll answer any remaining concerns or thoughts you may have about this topic:
The simple answer is trauma. Usually, emotional detachment (or numbness) can be linked to early childhood experiences such as being abused mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. However, not everyone who experiences emotional detachment had tough childhoods. Sometimes, other traumatizing experiences later in life can trigger emotional detachment as a protective mechanism (such as divorce, job loss, rape, illnesses, war, etc.).
Yes, emotional numbness can mask intense feelings of anxiety – it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from being flooded by overwhelming emotions. Numbness is a primal reaction to fear and is also known as the freeze response. There are three main reactions to anxiety-provoking situations that we have: fight, flight, and freeze.
To fix, or rather regain the ability to feel again, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Try reconnecting with your body, practicing deep breathing, doing some catharsis, journaling, and creating a safe environment for yourself. Seeking out professional support is usually crucial, as emotional numbness is usually a major sign of a traumatized nervous system. To regulate your nervous system, you need a safe holding environment, which a professional therapist/counselor can provide.
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I hope this article opens up new possibilities for you – or at least inspires you to take emotional numbness seriously.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to face this issue because avoiding it will only prolong your suffering.
If this article has helped you, please let me know. It brings me a sense of satisfaction to know that I am helping someone out there somewhere. Also if you struggle with emotional numbness and have other techniques or tools to recommend not mentioned in this article, please comment below. You never know how far throughout this world your advice can spread. :)
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Helpful article because it put into words what has been the theme of my life – numbness. Immediately what comes to mind is the word & visualisation of a knot, complex+ tight (several knots one over the other) almost too small to see. But it permeates through every fiber of my being right to the core crippling + suffocating the soul. Want to jump out of my skin I feel like a ton of lead!!!
The idea to doodle is great, just put onto paper what is experienced irregardless of sensibility.
Thanks
Thanks for sharing this. One time I took the szondi test here and my problem was Mania.
I can fully relate to this one. I thought back then that supressing emotions was alright for the sake of others. Doing deep breathings, writing a journal and catharsis (I do a 100meter sprint to calm down) doesnt seem enough when the cause of the emotional numbness is on a regular basis… like, EVERYDAY.
This was very enlightening,thank you.
Having to fully understand the science of self requires so much introspection.
You know at some point in my life i used to be attracted to a certain type of people who i thought were really cool,now after reading this article i realize they were numb. And i had been numb too and the hollow expression on their faces was just that. And i realize how crazy id been to follow the norm and loose myself. Numbness is an awfull place to be. Thankyou.
Yes, introspection is not only a daily practice but a lifelong practice. But it is well worth the effort. I’m happy to help, Clara! I wish you great self-insight and all the support you need on your path.
Thank you. Right when I needed it I was searching for mechanisms that work.
Thanks again and again can’t thank you guys enough. So on point.
Greetz,
Stephanie.
As a person raised under the priviso of ‘the religious/alturist/elumanti expressions’;& saw far to much that no younster born actually of equal genders should see~ & focused on to do the most ‘incredibly hard everythings’ that were considered the therapy for such a ‘srtange individual’: that was one nice label, many were very cruel indeed thus punishments of severity,& this can not be simply said for many a reason while i breathe, having discipline shoved in the manipulating ways, as the only way of over coming my overly developed mind/& high sensors of insights only created further detachment from all~ even though i always could & would do my ‘jobs’ with the best pocker face, to which i later learnt though knew inside that it bothered even more these High Controlled Persons… I also formed my own private discipline to get me through a torturous life; though being with my discipline i have been able & capable of the day by day continued changes when i must be in front/on stage out in the world, though the truth is that i’ve attracted so many in all walks of life to help them out & have done so successfully(& i hold many a credit/& certificate in all areas i have worked in, though never being allowed to do what heals my insides ever long enough before its taken off me due to the conflict of helping those(mainly with Rare Illnesses, as i have had a life of dealing with much in that space too~ part was ‘that surgery’, (to form one gender) after 26 days of birth was a requirement within that cult,& though these practises are not allowed by law to happen any further in many places in the world, under the High Ranking Cult Communes it is still done knowing only a small percentage will live,& if they do are deemed with many serious illnesses for whatever life is deemed to live), so knowing whats going on as getting older & only always dealing with far to much demands from others of good souls//some not, i am now forcing a discipline to change around the areas of my many skills thus bringing back slowly the ‘real things’ i prefer to do, which leans more in any artistic avenue as i am extremely good there, though i still am having to deal with others crying demands to help them, as i am very good with ALL in Natural medical & the knowledge of western.. i have been fortunate to form agreeable programs to assist the real sick so there is a balance of both//& work with doctors on this.. however i have now the western doctors who to want much from me when they get sick & put my needs in the position of limited help when i require IF i do not address again their demands, thus staying in a process of much limitations for myself no matter what new a different ways i constantly try for. For the past year i have not wanted to directly see many others, or do things as i have reconized i require time out from alls’ energies. After a lifetime trying to find the ‘safe place’ i can call home,& with a good friend living close by thats a ‘new soul’ for only so many months though is the best person i have met, possibly ever, with fairness & just allowing me to be myself, part of that is that as much of a giving loving gracious soul i am, i cannot be touched at all unless i give permission~ & i do mean even a touch on the arm/ a hug, anything that means anothers skin touches mine my instant reaction is to pull away, though never with dis respect. And if it has been guessed that i have been ‘over touched’ without permission in my life then one would be right, though it is the HOW others went about it,& from my up bringing there was ‘much confusion’ with touch so i never felt anything…. i needed that discipline to continue living; though without it i know i would have ended it years ago simply because i could easy abuse the medical areas i work in :though i never had, yes have had thoughts though thats that. I feel i know what i really need though i am not still at the success rate i require, which is the time out to do what ‘I’ would like to do for myself. I am often made to think that my ‘great gifts’ belong to helping always others first, though only now many years later/& late that i see no one hears properly when i have had to announce that i to am not to well & am working hard to get to a better place to be available( though i wish to keep it when i feel i want to, not so many demands as i am not liking the behaviour of so many.) As a person with No actual family known, guided by ‘sheer evil’ (in disguise),& have had to do everything on my own including putting many peoples lives on the right track with just the words returned; if i ever require assistance that i only have to call,& when tested over the past 3 years for some very serious reasons, find out that much does not exist of truth, this does really hurt as i also know who is being honest with their reasons,& most are just with seemingly plausable sounding excuses… I am in my quiet space shedding many tears without anyone knowing as i was not put into the position to be allowed to show personal emotion, but i am hurting more than i can ever recall even though areas of life have started to sought its self out… I would really like to know how to try something different that says to many that i still care, however i must care more for me right now,& know that its ok to take time out as i have already done ten lifetimes of work,& i still can appear as a young small fem~ i have not aged much with looks no matter how much horrid ‘things’ i have been through; though i do notice changes in other areas due to body sickness BUT i always do my best to look after myself as best as possible. All that has been said here( in your writings) i have done & then some. It would be nice to hear about any other new techniques for keeping the feeling of ‘guilt’ (almost//best that can be explained) out of my very busy mind too. I have been warned by both Natural & western medics, let alone my own knowledge, that if i don’t stop & just take out time to rest enough that further bad will come for me;& @ ths point this seems to be coming true even with all my good practices. As i know i can’t write a book here for more clarity, my obvious hope is that whats been said is clear enough. Until very recently,& it was over getting a better second hand car that suited myself as i have had to let go of past beauties’ that kept my energies right//its been over 15 yrs & the few other makes i’ve only been able to afford have been problems, down to almost being killed last x-mas by a drug fueled driver, in addition not getting broken bones fixed correctly as there was just no available time as days before my closet friends of several all died in odd circumstances, they being healthy , myself catorized as not & having to move so quickly from a dangerous position also//& people thus doing my own medical on myself instead of hospital for then it would mean homelessness(again)& i have a responsibility to another living creature, so i had limited choices though i had to really ‘move it all’ before i could collapse.. this was 10 months back & i still have not finished my home repairs/& layout completely yet & am expected to pick up on more works very soon. I do believe Mother Earth has blessed me with this good older friend as i have never had a ‘rock’, thats been my position for all, though i find areas still hard to speak about as he to has needed knowledge & work done in areas that few are capable of, though that has not bothered me its other things” i pick up on that i know he wants for me to assist him with, which i am happy to its just still not the right time & already i have done much.. i do not know how to completely make it clear that i don’t like the creeping feeling of guilt’,& if i say i will do something i will, though if time changes occur for what ever reason then i am not able to ‘jump’ without injuring myself more.. Trying to tell another that i require solace more for awhile,& that i still care & am doing the required works behind the scenes at the pace that this digital life allows(for there IS more hold ups than actual better faster movement~ this is for a plethora of reasons,most not really nice due to peoples attachments to their devices), so to release the ‘guilt’ feeling after i have said a No not right now’, is something i require to find thats different, as i am prefering to not go out & not join in with others activities,& for once get a proper rest so i can have a few years in knowing the feeling of joy..@ the moment its my selected item of a lovely second hand car of beauty thats keeping any feeling of desire to be around..& i wish to drive it when i can on my own, just that & look out at the world but be somewhat protected in my ‘box’(& its a stylish box that has been looked after, it resonates with the being i am), though the few who have heard are ready making plans to see me by using this as the platform, yet none have actually seen me for over 11 months now. I am often numb, though more calm when left alone of late i have noticed, which brings me back to the question that IS it so bad to want to be left alone after a life of constant dealings with other humans wants.. when do i actually get the green light as i don’t think i can do much more with my spirituality… i feel worn & torn. Thanks for reading:)
Thank you for this article. It has really got me thinking. I did grow up in a family where I was encouraged to show my emotions. I’m not saying it’s my parents fault it was the way they were raised. As I grew into an adult I have learned to show my feelings and emotions a lot more. I recently suffered the tragic loss of my beautiful cat Franklin and at the time I cried so much I couldn’t stop. Ever since that day I have felt numb and like i’m Running on auto-pilot. I don’t experience good or bad emotions like I have been prior to the event. I am trying meditation and think it is helping. It wasn’t until I read your article that I realised I am suffering from this and that i’m Not going crazy for not feeling. Thank you
Thank you for your article. I suffered the loss of my beautiful cat Franklin a few months ago. It was like losing a family member and it was an extremely tragic event. At the time I cried for hours, that much so I couldn’t see. I didn’t eat for days and lost any joy in life. I thought I was showing my emotions and dealing with them but it wasn’t until I read your article that I felt like I could really relate to it and that I am numb. I don’t feel good or bad emotions to the level I used to and feel like i’m on auto-pilot. I have been trying meditation for the past two months and think it is helping. I also see a psychologist every few months. What else do you think I should try? Amba
Hi Amba. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful cat. People tend to belittle the connection pets have to us, but for sensitive people, they truly inhabit a place within our hearts. Yesterday I felt similar strong emotions with my own dog, Forest. (I had to take him to be desexed and I was riddled with intense guilt and shame, despite the fact that all the experts recommend it is the right decision.)
I share some useful techniques in this article which I encourage you to explore. But if you would like some more in-depth advice on how to handle strong emotional energy, you might like to read our latest book “Awakened Empath”: https://lonerwolf.com/downloads/awakened-empath-ebook/
I hope this helps.
Very good article. Thank you. Sadly, I recognize all 13 “signs” in myself.
However, something in the article specifically caught my attention: What causes “emotional numbness”? and I would like to take this opportunity to respond.
Most – if not all – of the causes addressed in this article seem to focus on some type of childhood abuse or punishment, a reaction to a severely traumatic experience or social conditioning for stoicism, rationality and emotional invulnerability.
I would put forth another cause of “emotional numbness” that is not dramatic, violent or forcefully imposed on one by another. Rather, it is self-imposed out of… empathy? Compassion? Perhaps even self-sacrifice or love? Maybe something else… But, here’s how it happens…
All young children are self-centered and unable to control their emotions. And, rightly so. It’s how they survive. Crying. Screaming. Temper tantrums. All alert a caregiver that something needs attention. It’s how babies communicate.
At about 2 years old, toddlers begin to sense when others are feeling pain or facing difficulty and, instinctively, want to help. At the risk of oversimplifying things to make my point, I propose that this may be the fork-in-the-road for very sensitive people or the empath.
This emotional numbing is much more subtle then the trauma of a beating or a verbal punishment. In these early stages, it’s a subconscious choice to shut down your feelings because someone else is perceived as hurting so much more.
The numbing grows as parents, siblings, friends, lovers, spouses – anyone in distress – ignores, dismisses and invalidates the emotions, free-thinking ideas, individuality or anything else that quietly does not “fit.”
As an empath, it is extremely difficult to differentiate between which emotions are “yours” and those that are coming from “outside.” I would venture to say that, until recently, most people were not even aware of the concept of being an empath.
Regardless, over time, we/empaths learn to shut down in our attempts to survive and to take care of others. Other times, I feel it’s could also be a subconscious need for approval or seeking love from others that causes children to shut down.
The “good” child who never causes “a fuss”… doesn’t “rock the boat”… is obedient, loving and supportive to others is easy to love and “reward” for these behaviors. Children learn quickly what hurts and what feels good. Certain children deny or shut down their feeling to take care of others and (hopefully!) receive love and attention in return.
Sadly, this coping mechanism carries easily over into adulthood. Combined with a sensitive, compassionate and empathic nature, the results are the same: emotional numbness. What makes it more complicated is that you don’t have a bruise or specific recall of an traumatic event to identify as “something” that happened TO you or something that someone perpetrated upon you. You’ve unconsciously done it to yourself as it is in your nature to put others needs ahead of your own.
It gets very cloudy and invisible when it’s all in your head. You accept it as your way of “being” because you know nothing else.
When one is having an emotional crisis, melt down or similar highly emotional event and finds oneself ignored or ones feelings dismissed, the internal pain can be just as great as an outright physical slap in face. Yet – SO MUCH MORE damaging in some ways.
I am in no way minimizing physical abuse! But, outright negligence, disregard and simply being ignored are extremely painful and debilitating as well. And, similarly dealt with by going emotionally numb.
Hi Jill :)
That’s an interesting point. As I learn to heal the wounds, I started to see the experience in the way that you’re describing. It was hard at first because I refused to take responsibility for the damage, thinking I was the victim and blaming others. But then the fog gradually cleared as I learned to see the experience in retrospect and see what really happened.
I think there are many others having similar experiences. I feel that your words give a voice to them as they do to me :)
Thank you so much, Jill.
Hi Jill. Thanks for bringing up this interesting angle. I do feel that sensitive people, in particular, have the tendency to numb strong emotions when little. This seems to be an inbuilt defense mechanism that is necessary for us to grow and ‘fit in’ with others. In fact, I wrote about the topic here: https://lonerwolf.com/empath-training-sensitivity/ and here: https://lonerwolf.com/empath-sensitivity-dulled/
Thank you once again for reading + sharing your keen observations. :)
I encountered emotional numbness at the age of 8. I was naturally a very sensitive kid, but one day I chose not to feel anything anymore. I felt an extremely intense feeling of anger, pain, and disappointment towards my family. I remember going deep into myself and vowed never to show up. Defense and autopilot, like Luna said.
I avoided being able to feel happy because it meant that I would be able to feel pain too.
My whole childhood was basically nonexistent. Teenage years were so damn exhausting and bitter. Until my body gave up, it couldn’t bear the hidden burden any longer. Almost twenty years of neglected emotions, my own personal hell, broke loose in one night. I was forced to clean up the mess, and I am forever grateful for that.
Sensitivity and vulnerability are two most precious gift that Life has given us, let’s honour and embrace them wholeheartedly.
Thank you, Luna, for the thousandth time, thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️
Ika, I think it is a testament to your courage and wise inner spirit to have got through this serious issue. Embracing one’s sensitivity is not an easy task, so hats off to you!
Thanks Luna, it is not easy indeed. But I feel that I am not that brave and wise. There are lots of issues that I am struggling with, and forging courage is one of the hardest.
Don’t be so hard on yourself Ika. The most important thing is that you’re still trying, and that, of itself, shows courage.
Thank you Luna ❤️
Hello Luna, my family has been like this ever since I was born
I am 17 years old and am currently planning to leave my house because boy oh boy am I tired of being there (this is a HUGE understatement, I don’t have the time right now to go into detail). I however, have one problem: I will be hunted by the police since I am still a minor by lawful definition, I may be forced back into the house. My birthday is 2 weeks from now, I will be 18. Do I leave the house now or do I wait until I am 18? I feel like I am about to break it (again, another understatement) as of the moment. Help me please: do I make a run for it or wait?
Hey Zeke. I truly empathize with the desperation you must be feeling – I felt the same way with my own family. I was so desperate to leave that I felt physically ill and was starting to have mentally disturbed thoughts, and I had been planning the ‘escape’ for months.
I know how terribly painful it must be for you, but my recommendation is to wait. Have a GOOD plan in place. Plan out all the details extremely well to ensure that you have money and a place to stay. Don’t put yourself in danger by making a rash choice. As you said, the police may hunt you down, and that will just make the whole situation a MILLION times worse. So wait. This is hard, but it will be worth it in the end. I’m not sure what type of family you have, but if they are abusive, try your best to keep quiet to yourself. If they are controlling/violent, don’t share with any of them the details, and try your best to secretly pack things, organize a place to stay, etc.
The most important thing is that you’re safe. So please take care of yourself and think very carefully about the consequence of every little action you’re going to make right now, because they will impact you for the rest of your life.
It really depends. Are you in physical danger if you stay? Or are you in more physical danger if you leave as a minor and get brought back by police?
My own experience with escaping situations is not actually with my family (who have emotional repression issues like in the article) but with roommates or other living situations. I’ve lived with people who displayed threatening behaviour that made me worry for my safety (I waited out one, escaped the other), and emotionally toxic people who made me dread being at home (I waited those out). I was recently doing volunteer work exchanges and living in a family’s home; out of the four families I stayed with, I left early and abruptly at one (the emotionally toxic variety) and escaped in the middle of the day in another (after sexual harassment by someone who displayed sociopathic tendencies, who turned on me when I didn’t reciprocate). So, I have a good idea of what you’re facing and what it means to escape.
I can’t give you a definitive answer on what the best thing to do is in your situation. But if you are not risking your own safety by staying, I would say to wait until you’re 18 and no longer under obligation to stay before you hoof it out of there. Logically there could be much less risk involved, and if you’ve lasted this long, you can last a little longer. It will suck but the freedom will be worth the wait.
But if it’s more dangerous to stay, get outta dodge. There were times I waited out a situation that was really not good, when I wish I had left immediately. But it’s still tricky as leaving might escalate things in a direction you don’t want it to escalate. I can’t really speak on something that serious, but if so, consider very, very carefully on how you move forward.
Please be safe! I know it’s tough but I know you can do it. Let me know how you fare.
As the days pass by, I lose my vision on the light. I can feel my brain malfunction as I try to hold on for 2 weeks. I don’t want to hurt the people around me but everyday, that urge gets stronger
Please pray or wish luck for me.
I’ve been wanting leave my house for about 7 months