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» Home » Turning Inwards

13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness (the Secret Illness)

by Aletheia Luna · Updated: Jun 15, 2024 · 224 Comments

Image of a woman with her hand over her face experiencing emotional numbness
Emotional numbness depression image

At some point or another we’ve all heard these words before:

“Suck it up princess!” “Be a man!” “Stop being a cry-baby,” “Get over it,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Get thicker skin!”

While these words were likely spoken without consciously intending us long-term harm, they nevertheless point to a common and undeniably tragic truth in our society: that expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness, rather than strength.


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If you were born into an emotionally repressed culture that valued the “masculine” ideals of efficiency and logic, it is likely that you struggle with some level of emotional numbness.

If you were born into a family that shunned any form of strong emotional expression, it is even more likely that emotional numbing is an issue for you.

And if you experienced an extremely traumatic life event that was simply too overwhelming for you to handle (from which you haven’t recovered), I can almost guarantee that you suffer from emotional numbness.

So how does emotional numbness impact virtually every part of our life? And what advice can I share with you after going through my own struggle with this issue? Keep reading and you’ll find out.

Table of contents

  • What is Emotional Numbness?
  • What Causes Emotional Numbness?
  • The Danger of Emotional Numbness
  • Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?
  • 13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness
  • How to Overcome Emotional Numbness
  • Emotional Numbness Q&A

What is Emotional Numbness?

Image of a woman with her hand over her face experiencing emotional numbness

Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism employed by the mind to avoid intense and overwhelming emotions such as fear, hatred, jealousy, and grief. When you go emotionally numb, you lose the ability to feel and experience your emotions on a psychological and emotional level. In this sense, emotional numbness is often clinically connected with dissociation, which is the disconnection from one’s memories, identity, environment, body, or senses.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

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As with most issues, emotional numbness goes back to childhood and the way we were raised by our parents. Being abused by our parents physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or spiritually can contribute towards our inability to self-regulate emotions, which results in emotional numbness. Feeling alienated or disconnected from one or both of our parents, or family at large, can also contribute towards emotional numbness. Being punished whether directly or indirectly for expressing our emotions in childhood also creates emotional numbness.

Numbing our emotions may also start after a severely traumatic experience, such as witnessing acts of violence, being assaulted, experiencing rape, suffering intense loss, or anything that we didn’t have the capacity to psychologically and emotionally handle in the moment. For this reason, emotional numbness is often a symptom of PTSD and various anxiety disorders. You can take our free emotional trauma test to explore this further.

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Emotional numbness is also influenced by our culture and wider social circles, particularly those that emphasize being stoic, rational, and emotionally invulnerable (e.g., British, Chinese, American, Russian).

The Danger of Emotional Numbness

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If you even have the slightest inkling that you might be emotionally numb, it’s time to listen up. Emotional numbness is not a small character flaw or minor area of self-growth to improve in – it is a serious problem which needs to be addressed immediately.

Speaking from experience, emotional numbness has formed the root of many issues I have faced (and still continue to face) in my life. Due to my upbringing in an emotionally stunted, dogmatically religious family whom I felt disconnected from for the majority of my life, I never learned how to handle strong emotions. I was punished verbally, emotionally or physically anytime I expressed strong emotions, and freethinking or any form of dissent was rejected, resulting in being ostracized.

The combination of having a British father and a mother who was traumatized by her own emotionally unstable mother – on top of an oppressive fundamentalist religion – led to grooming me as a stoic and “stable” person who was taught that expressing emotions was not only bad but shameful.

As you can see, sometimes there are numerous factors at play that may contribute to your inability to regulate intense emotions, and therefore resort to unconsciously numbing them. In my case, I learned that strong emotions = punishment in one form or another, and so I learned that they were dangerous to experience.

The danger of disconnecting from your emotions is that it can lead to a host of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Such issues may include dysfunctional coping mechanisms (obsessive compulsions), mild to severe depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses (illnesses produced by the mind).

In extreme cases (and I’m talking about situations where emotional contact is nil), emotional numbness can lead to acts of cruelty.

Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?

I call emotional numbness the secret illness because it is so pervasive in our society, and so socially acceptable, that it often flies underneath the radar. In a society that largely doesn’t know how to handle strong emotions in healthy ways, being stoic and “level-headed” is valued – yet this very same calm and collected facade often conceals unhealthy detachment from one’s feelings. Thus, emotional numbness is a secret illness because so many of us struggle with it, yet don’t even realize that we have it until chronic issues start emerging.


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13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness

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Emotional detachment is not always a bad thing. It comes in handy when you need to maintain boundaries, avoid undesired energy overload from others, and even help others in crisis situations. But emotional detachment turns into its unhealthy twin (emotional numbness) when it becomes an automatic inner defense mechanism.

“What’s so great about feeling strong emotions?” you might ask. The answer is that without feeling our emotions, we don’t have the capacity to live and learn from them or experience the beauty and depth of life.

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Here are some of the most significant signs of emotional numbness that you should look out for:

  1. Inability to express strong negative or positive emotions
  2. Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e., feeling like you’re a passive observer)
  3. Feeling that life is like a dream (a sense unreality)
  4. Living on autopilot
  5. Lack of interest in activities others find enjoyable
  6. Feeling distant from others
  7. The tendency to withdraw from friends and family members
  8. Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind (or else are completely muted in the body and show up only as illness)
  9. Dislike of people who express strong emotions (both positive and negative)
  10. Not feeling anything in situations that would usually generate strong emotion
  11. Panic or terror when strong emotions eventually breakthrough
  12. Feeling empty inside
  13. Physical and emotional numbness or “flatness”

In extreme circumstances (such as in PTSD sufferers), emotional numbness may even influence the desire to commit suicide. If you are considering suicide, please seek out support immediately (click here to locate your country’s suicide hotline).

How to Overcome Emotional Numbness

Emotional Numbness image

Like any psychological defense mechanism, emotional numbing can be complex to deal with, and often requires support from a trained professional such as a therapist.

If you feel that emotional numbness is significantly impairing your life, please do an act of self-compassion and seek out support either locally or online (there are even free counseling services online such as 7cups).

For the time being, here are some helpful practices which I have personally found to increase my ability to feel, cope with, and express strong emotions:

1. Anchor yourself to your body

As mentioned above, emotional numbing is connected to dissociation (mental disconnection from one part of yourself). In my case, whenever I experience strong emotions, my automatic response is to either (a) only feel the emotions in my body, not my mind, or (b) to have a complete meltdown. In both cases, one of the best self-soothing mechanisms I’ve learned is to anchor myself to my body through mindfulness and physical contact. Similar to what a mother does with her child, I tightly but gently hold one area of my body – usually my hand or stomach. This method helps me to feel contained and grounded in my body.

I also recommend using shapewear or a pressure vest to help you in extremely emotionally turbulent periods to anchor yourself to your body (here is a good example of shapewear). Shapewear is used by women and men to keep “love handles” and other body parts slim and defined. For our purposes, shapewear is like a hug to the body that will help you feel safe and ‘held together.’ Pressure vests are a little more expensive and they are used by people with sensory integration disorders (such as autism) to relax.

2. Deep breathing

Whether used alone or in conjunction with the above-mentioned technique, deep breathing is a simple and easy way to help you mindfully move through whatever you’re experiencing. This practice is particularly useful when intense feelings such as fear or rage break through. There are many books out there that talk about the importance of deep breathing (such as this one), and there are many online tutorials with breathing techniques. I recommend sticking to something simple, something you don’t have to think about too much, and something that doesn’t feel forced. The point of deep breathing isn’t to follow someone else’s technique perfectly, it is to use your breath (in whatever way suits you), to calm your mind and body. Also, I recommend breathing slowly, deeply, and softly instead of forcing deep breaths (which can increase anxiety) – let your breath be natural. Read more about how to relax using deep breathing.

3. Keep a journal of sad thoughts

Image of a dandelion

I realize this suggestion may sound a tad bit melancholic, but it’s a practice worthy of your time and effort, particularly if you’re wanting to feel and express your emotions. Journaling is also a powerful form of shadow work (a way to express what you would usually suppress).

In a physical journal or online diary, spend five to ten minutes every day writing down something which triggers even the slightest pang of sadness in you. For example, you might write down a memory of your dog who died, an issue in the world, something someone said to you, a scene from a movie, a daily struggle … or virtually anything that is upsetting (or what you imagine would be upsetting).

Creating a sad thoughts diary has two main benefits. One, it helps you express your emotions, even if in an indirect way at first. And two, it acts as a catalyst for feeling and letting out your emotions, particularly when you need momentum (I’ll elaborate more on this soon). Learn more about how to journal.

Always try to finish your sad thought journalling with something uplifting, like reading the uplifting news subreddit, spending time with someone you love, playing with a pet, or watching something entertaining on youtube or Netflix.

4. Catharsis (let it all out, baby!)

When emotionally numbing ourselves becomes our default defense mechanism, we tend to have a huge amount of suppressed emotion lying just beneath our conscious awareness. In order to safely and effectively express your suppressed emotions, try some form of catharsis. Catharsis may involve screaming into or punching a pillow, using your sad thoughts journal (mentioned above) to stimulate sadness and crying, intense emotional-fuelled exercise, impassioned dancing, or an active meditation.

Regular catharsis should be a must on your journey. Without regularly ‘letting it all out,’ you run the risk of experiencing the repercussions of festering emotions (i.e., depression, emptiness, chronic illness, etc.).

5. Yoga and self-massage

Yoga is a well-known way of helping to clear and balance your energy. Not only that, but yoga often has a way of releasing emotions stored in the body. I recommend doing slow and gentle forms of yoga such as Hatha yoga for at least ten minutes a day. Remember, the goal isn’t to become some Instagram-perfect yoga star; it is to connect with your body, mind, and heart.


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The truth is that our unexpressed and repressed emotions are often stored within our bodies. I like to think of our bodies as being reflections of our unconscious mind: they are maps that help us to figure out what we are keeping locked away, and what unresolved issues we need to face. In my article about chronic muscle tension, I list the nine types of emotions trapped in different areas of the body. In order to release these emotions, I regularly use something called the ‘Acuball’ to introduce fresh blood flow and energy into these tense areas. I like the Acuball because it gives me a deep tissue massage, while also helping me to stay grounded in my body, relax, and release pent-up stress. (You can get the Acuball here).

6. Creatively express your feelings (or lack thereof)

Write a song, doodle in a journal, paint a picture, create a collage, find some way of expressing what emotion you last felt. If you struggle to feel anything at all, express that artistically. Grab those greys and blacks and turn that damn page into your own work of art. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. Does even the slightest feeling of satisfaction enter you? Journal about these emotions.

7. Take care of your inner child

As it was your child self that likely copped the trauma that caused you to default to emotional numbing, take care of this part of you. Practice inner child work and find ways of comforting and nurturing this vulnerable place within you. You may even like to create empowering affirmations for your inner child to help him or her access emotions. For example, you might repeat to yourself when you are in a difficult circumstance, “It is OK for me to feel,” “It is safe for me to feel sad,” “My anger is valid,” “Being vulnerable is being strong,” and so forth.

8. Dedicate space and time to feeling

In our busy lives, it is very easy to numb and distract ourselves with social media, the TV, shopping, food, social commitments, and other things that constantly cause us to look outside. Looking inside is much harder and requires far more self-discipline, hence why most people don’t do it. If you are serious about overcoming your emotional numbness, you will need to dedicate space and time to all of the activities I have mentioned in this article. If you struggle with self-discipline, I recommend making yourself externally accountable by joining a spiritual meditation group or other practice to help you turn inwards. Please don’t skip this step, it is imperative that you spend time exploring your inner self, and in particular, what you are repressing and why.

Emotional Numbness Q&A

Image of a woman with tape over her mouth

Here are some commonly asked questions about emotional numbness. Hopefully they’ll answer any remaining concerns or thoughts you may have about this topic:

What causes emotional detachment?

The simple answer is trauma. Usually, emotional detachment (or numbness) can be linked to early childhood experiences such as being abused mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. However, not everyone who experiences emotional detachment had tough childhoods. Sometimes, other traumatizing experiences later in life can trigger emotional detachment as a protective mechanism (such as divorce, job loss, rape, illnesses, war, etc.).

Can numbness be a sign of anxiety?

Yes, emotional numbness can mask intense feelings of anxiety – it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from being flooded by overwhelming emotions. Numbness is a primal reaction to fear and is also known as the freeze response. There are three main reactions to anxiety-provoking situations that we have: fight, flight, and freeze.

How to fix emotional numbness?

To fix, or rather regain the ability to feel again, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Try reconnecting with your body, practicing deep breathing, doing some catharsis, journaling, and creating a safe environment for yourself. Seeking out professional support is usually crucial, as emotional numbness is usually a major sign of a traumatized nervous system. To regulate your nervous system, you need a safe holding environment, which a professional therapist/counselor can provide.

***

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I hope this article opens up new possibilities for you – or at least inspires you to take emotional numbness seriously.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to face this issue because avoiding it will only prolong your suffering.

If this article has helped you, please let me know. It brings me a sense of satisfaction to know that I am helping someone out there somewhere. Also if you struggle with emotional numbness and have other techniques or tools to recommend not mentioned in this article, please comment below. You never know how far throughout this world your advice can spread. :)

Please note that this article has affiliate links. If you decide to purchase anything we link to, we get a small percentage to help with our work at no extra cost to you. Thanks!

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About Aletheia Luna

Aletheia Luna is a prolific psychospiritual writer, author, educator, and intuitive guide whose work has touched the lives of millions worldwide. As a survivor of fundamentalist religious abuse, her mission is to help others find love, strength, and inner light in even the darkest places. She is the author of hundreds of popular articles, as well as numerous books and journals on the topics of Self-Love, Spiritual Awakening, and more. [Read More]

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  1. Kodi says

    February 07, 2025 at 2:35 am

    I am 12 too, and I try hard too, but no one will appreciate me, my mom hates me for some reason and I can’t do any thing about it, me and my dad struggle a lot because of her, and I wish you all the best.

    Reply
  2. Mary says

    December 06, 2024 at 1:35 pm

    Are there medications that would help. I have tried everything. Ashawandga K66 has been the best . Paxil works half way.

    Reply
  3. Please help me get help says

    October 11, 2024 at 3:52 am

    You know I try so hard to make people happy and nobody helps me at all I’m all alone and I try to make people happy, and I mess everything up I really don’t know what to do anymore I know god gave me life for a reason but I feel worthless its not gods or Jesuses fault its my own can someone please help me I feel selfish even writing this I know there’s other people who are going through this to and I’m sorry if I am being selfish I just want some help please my mom left me my grandpa died my uncle shot and killed my grandma and himself my dog died I don’t know what to do anymore.

    Reply
    • Mateo Sol says

      October 11, 2024 at 7:42 am

      I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time at the moment, there’s periods in life than can feel overwhelming.

      It’s never selfish to ask for help if you need it, and it’s up to the other person to know when they can and can’t help.

      It’ll take some time to work through a lot of what’s happening in your life and you’ll want access to a reliable and consistent source of support.

      If you can’t afford a professional councillor, I’d recommend trying one of the free services listed here depending on where you are: https://www.helpguide.org/find-help

      Know all this won’t last and it’ll get better 💜

      Reply
    • Kodi says

      February 07, 2025 at 2:40 am

      I am sorry for your loss, and hope the best for you.

      Reply
  4. Emo kid says

    September 19, 2024 at 12:42 pm

    Thanks alot, i’m only 12 but ive gone through alot of the symptoms and i think i have it. Thanks alot and yeah.

    Reply
  5. flor says

    August 18, 2024 at 6:20 pm

    To anyone reading my comment, know that you are not alone. And honestly, just like you, I was lowkey hoping to know that I am not alone in this. Actually, I feel comforted reading these articles and comments online. But as much as I am thankful about the fact that I am not the only one who’s experience this, I hope we all slowly regain our old selves, the ones who feel deeply and enjoy life to its core. We’ll get through this.

    Reply
  6. Old Widower says

    July 09, 2024 at 11:46 am

    Excellent advice.

    Please include in your:
    1 – Breathing: ‘humming sinus nitric oxide’ (which is a vaso-dilator, relaxing muscles, opening blood vessels, lowering blood pressure)

    2 – Massage: ‘lymph massage’ using no more than a mere pound or two at most of pressure to gently rub from extremeties to core of body , 2.5 – also specifically facial lymph massage to help breathing by draining sinuses and ears, and opening nasal passages

    Now for the “Dutch Uncle” bit most folks don’t want to hear — please please please WHY such LARGE IMAGES (no matter HOW good they are) and such TINY FONT?? One could not really do a better job of disuading Readers — yes, we can use ‘reader view’ by whateever name to alleged;y show *just* the article and block out extraneous crap, but one is never guaranteed the COMPLETE article, there are often bits of a main article clipped-out along with the extraneous crap – so go test a webpage design on a public computer and do NOT “sign in”, just view it as the proverbial Outside observer.

    So – to Author, Brava!!
    to Design, what WERE you thinkin’???the The Reader and General Public, Aletheia knows quite well what she is talking about here (no, I do not have credentials in this Topic, I ‘only’ have a lifetime lived in it starting with getting slapped in the head as an infant to ‘stop him from crying’ and garnished with the death of my soul-crushing a-hole of a “father” after his GD Gold Digging C-Word got him to change his Will at the last minute — no I did not bother to contest it during my shock and grief – the GD Lawyers let it pass that far, and the GD Police and Coroner failed to investigate or autopsy — I still have his crematorium-sealed ashes waitinig for accurate testing to see if I can find evidence the C-word poisoned my father’s body as well as his (granted, already bent) Psyche. Karma will deal with her and her criminally psychotic children froma previous marriage (she drove fisrt husband/victim to suicide after bankrupting him) — uhhh,, but I digress……
    The point is, Aletheia is speaking Truth here (name appropriately chosen, well done again Aletheia, or perhaps your Parents, eh?) — and the only photo this article might be declared as ‘needing’ is that of the Author. – intelligent and wise, compassionate, and not a speck of make-up showing on her naturally beautiful face, even a low-key B&W image vs Colour

    no slights to the included images, they are beautiful and powerful and well chosen, just too damned BIG for the page, take up entire screen top to bottomo with precious little left on the right side which is modtly blank!

    So – to all the teen girl readers (which should be all of them), LISTEN to what Aletheia has to say. Emulate and Embody her Counsel, Focus on her as a Role Model as oppsed to some damned Kardashian-esque krap
    to the teen boys, find yourself a teen girl who has taught herself to think clearly and philosophize along these tracksto parents of teens, Bring all this to the kid’s attention — then hold them accountable to be responsible and wise vs some dumbass breeding more ignorant minds and bodies who are detrimental to all around them.to parents and even childless grownups who still act like immature teenagers or even pre-schoolers, please Grow The Phuqque Up
    Ahh… I feel better now. Thanks for the article and feedback platform

    Sign me,
    Old Widower

    Reply
  7. Sarah. M says

    March 07, 2024 at 6:31 pm

    I always thought there was something wrong with me. People have always commented on how I don’t express emotions. I’m about to get married and I started to wonder “do I really love this person”? Because I know he loves me ALOT more but I don’t feel much. But I care about him alot and his the only person who has put up with me. Growing up we were never allowed to show strong emotions. If we did we were sent to our room till we were over it. And I can’t think of ONE day where it was ‘the best day ever’ like that I had so much fun/joy. I’m so glad there is now hope cause I feel empty and just trying to get through each day.

    Reply
    • calanicia webster says

      August 03, 2024 at 10:29 am

      I’m 16 of age turning 17 in October and I feel the same way too very lost finding it hard to express my feelings, times where I was suppose to be sad and crying I can’t do because I feel so empty but I hope i can get trough this

      Reply
      • Yvonne Smith says

        August 23, 2024 at 7:07 pm

        You’re so young & very lucky that you’ve discovered about yourself at an early age & moreover you’re acknowledging what you’re feeling. Wishing you love & happiness on your journey.

        Reply
  8. Mark. K says

    February 08, 2024 at 8:25 pm

    I relate to all the points regarding being emotionally numb. I do experience a lot of emotional reactions, like crying, laughing, or smiling from I assume self conscious embarrassment. But I just don’t feel the emotions that co inside with those outward reactions. I was just wondering is that something others experience. Like other than the outward physical reactions, I’m completely numb inside to the mental emotional feeling in my mind and body. I hope others relate because I think it will give me intellectual hope for some type of recovery in the future.
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Balmy says

      February 14, 2024 at 2:16 am

      I think I understand where you are coming from. In my family, we either drank to numb, or intellectualized everything. For example some of my family members will smile big, but never talk about being happy, only what it would be like if you were happy. Or make themselves small and look anxious, but have no connection to the actual feelings, saying they’re fine when asked. AND, more recently I’ve been taking a mood stabilizer and felt sorry for my situation to the point of almost crying. This was strange, because if you asked me prior to taking the medication, I would have told you I was in touch with my feelings of sadness, but I hadn’t felt that way in years. Not since my traumatic divorce. You are not alone, and they do come back :)

      Reply
    • Kodi says

      February 07, 2025 at 2:53 am

      Oh ya I do experience a lot of emotional reactions too, like crying, laughing, or smiling.I am in 4-H and i am not very good at speaking in public, my mom always canceled play days so I don’t really know how react when someone says hi i just smile and wave, and i can’t stop smiling! And not to mention the embarrassment of just smiling and waving, like I bet all those people i just smile and wave to are like “she is really weird around people it is like she doesn’t know how to react when someone says hi,” and i bet that is why i have not one friend.

      Reply
  9. Emilly says

    January 10, 2024 at 2:30 pm

    I read this over and over again and eventually did some research. I had been told my whole life that something was wrong with me. I was always like a bot repeating the same things over and over again. I grew up with a very emotionally unstable mother and also felt that anytime I expressed my feelings I was yelled at or punished. I think I realized that I had stopped feeling things at the age of 14. I officially came out as asexual (meaning I have no real attraction to anyone) last year and I think emotional numbness played a part in this.

    so I just wanted to say thank you for making me realize this!

    Reply
    • Kodi says

      February 07, 2025 at 2:58 am

      Ya i can’t express my feelings either because i get yelled at too, why do parents do this to us like why (i am 12 also so i still have to put up with my mom it sucks

      Reply
  10. Devanshu says

    June 26, 2023 at 4:53 pm

    Wow thanks a lot. So much spiritual crap is about being neutral in the face of emotions too and just observing life but then life is for feeling and experiencing no?

    Reply
    • Aletheia Luna says

      September 06, 2023 at 2:18 pm

      Yes, it’s called spiritual bypassing. :) The point of spirituality as I see it isn’t to avoid our humanity but to help us fully embrace and integrate our human and divine nature – and I’ve tried to share that in this guide. 💜

      Reply
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Welcome! Our names are Aletheia Luna & Mateo Sol and we’re spiritual educators currently living in Perth, Western Australia. What's this website about? For spiritual rebels and outsiders, our mission is to help you dissolve the shadows that obscure your inner Light and find peace, love, and happiness. Unlike other spiritual spaces, lonerwolf focuses on approaching the spiritual awakening journey in a discerning and down-to-earth-way. Start here »

 
Let The Universe Choose My Message!

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  • Are you a spiritual wanderer or outsider? Feeling lost, confused, or alone? Sign Up for our weekly LonerWolf Howl newsletter for Soul-centered guidance – it’s free!

Whadjuk Noongar

  • We acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Whadjuk people of Noongar Boodjar. We recognize their continued connection to the land and waters of this beautiful place and acknowledge that they never ceded sovereignty. We respect all Whadjuk Elders both past and present, and any First Nations people.
 

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