What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive?
Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, often missing the vital life lessons being presented.
Almost every week Sol and I receive emails inquiring about the dynamic between empaths and narcissists. Having been burned by a number of different types of narcissists myself, I know just how easy it is to fall into the heavy gravitational pull of such people. Like black holes, narcissists eat away at your emotions, physical health, and sanity, profoundly manipulating and messing up your perceptions and sensibilities.
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Why is it that empaths and narcissists – two diametrically opposed types of people – feel an almost magnetic pull towards each other? There are many theories, but at the heart of it, I believe that it is Life’s way of restoring balance.
For example, let’s examine your typical empath. By nature empaths are deeply caring, compassionate people. The empath’s purpose in life is to support healing in others, yet due to their intense sensitivity, empaths often struggle to create healthy boundaries for themselves, giving in to martyrdom, victimhood, co-dependency, and chronic self-sacrifice. Now, let’s examine your typical narcissist. Due to various traumas, core wounds and conditionings, narcissists hide behind an idealized self-image which is expressed as being highly charming and attractive, yet deeply uncaring, indifferent, self-centered and cruel. Put empaths and narcissists together? Both come in contact with their “inverted/reverse” selves, and both are forced to learn, grow and heal as a result of such an experience (although this doesn’t always happen immediately, but through trial and error). However, it is important for empaths to realize that they can never “heal” the narcissists in their lives – any form of healing must originate within narcissist’s themselves.
4 Types of Narcissists All Empaths Should Look Out For
So many articles out there talk about “protecting” yourself from narcissists. Unfortunately, this language promotes the disempowering notion that “other people are out to get you.” They’re not. People act within the limits of their conscious capacity, and sometimes that involves hurting others. The more you perceive yourself as a “victim” of narcissists/narcissism, the less capable you’ll be of truly owning your personal power as an empath.
A big part of owning this personal power of yours is learning how to identify different types of narcissists. The more conscious you are of them, the more consciously you’ll be able to behave and make decisions in their presence.
Main Types
Interestingly there are actually two main types of narcissists:
Vulnerable Narcissists (VN’s)
These people are generally very sensitive and tend to be quiet or shy by nature. Yet to disguise their chronic feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness, VN’s overcompensate by putting on a grandiose mask, seeking to merge their identities with other idealized people. VN’s have an unshakeable need to feel special about themselves and have little genuine regard for the feelings of others. VN’s are primarily motivated by fear of rejection and abandonment, thus don’t have the capacity to authentically love and care for others. Additionally, VN’s use emotional manipulation (such as shaming, guilt-tripping and gaslighting) to secure sympathy and attention from others. Their lives are fuelled by inferiority complexes which often stem from childhood mistreatment.
Invulnerable Narcissists (IN’s)
These people reflect the traditional image of the narcissist: that of a highly self-confident person, cold and unempathetic person. IN’s, unlike VN’s, are thick-skinned and shamelessly seek for power, glory, recognition, and pleasure. IN’s often suffer from god complexes, believing themselves to be far superior to everyone else – and they have a pathological need to make that known.
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Both types share similar traits such as using others to fuel their narcissistic delusions, blaming and criticizing, lack of empathy, unfaithfulness and the need for power.
Subtypes
Both Vulnerable and Invulnerable Narcissistic personality types can be split down into the following (unofficial) subtypes. Be aware that many of these subtypes can overlap with each other:
The Amorous Narcissist
Amorous Narcissists measure their self-worth and grandiosity by how many sexual conquests they have under their belt. This type of person is known for using his/her charm to ensnare others with flattery and gifts, but then quickly disposing of them once they become “boring” and when they have met the narcissists needs (often sexual or image/status orientated). Amorous Narcissists are the ultimate relationship con artists, “gold diggers” and heart-breakers. At first glance, they appear highly attractive, alluring and amiable, but underneath they are only out to please and satiate their own needs and desires.
The Compensatory Narcissist
Driven to compensate for past traumas, Compensatory Narcissists love creating larger-than-life illusions of themselves and their achievements. In order to regain power and control over their lives, this type of narcissist usually hunts out emotionally vulnerable people who will serve as the audience to their fabricated stage acts. In reality, this type of narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will frequently look out for negative self-directed cues from others. Emotional abuse and manipulation is a common method of control used by this type.
The Elitist Narcissist
This breed of person does anything to climb to the “top,” win and completely dominate others. Elitist narcissists are convinced that they are better than everyone else often due to their achievements or backgrounds (or simply the fact that they were born that way) and thus deserve special treatment. Their sense of entitlement bleeds into every area of life, from work to the family environment. Harboring a severely inflated ego, Elitist narcissists are skilled self-promoters, braggers, and one-uppers. They have a cut-throat need to be the “best” and prove themselves to be intellectually superior all the time and at all costs.
The Malignant Narcissist
The behavior of malignant narcissists often overlaps with that of psychopaths and those with antisocial personality disorder. Malignant narcissists often have no regard or interest in moral vs. immoral behavior and don’t feel remorse for their actions. This subgroup is characterized by an arrogant and inflated sense of self-worth that delights in “outsmarting” others. This type of narcissist can often be found in prisons, gangs, and drug rehabilitation centers, although many manage to run afoul of the law.
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Now that you have read through the different “flavors” of narcissism you might be thinking, “what next?”
The most powerful way to regain your personal power as an empath in the face of narcissism is learning how to respect your needs, desires, and boundaries. Often this involves severing contact with such people. I recommend reading our article on how to love yourself more for further direction.
More In-Depth Help
If you would like to know more about narcissists and empaths, check out our book Awakened Empath which provides in-depth guidance:
There are so many empaths out there currently struggling to catch a breath of air in the large murky ocean of narcissism saturating their lives. If you are one of these people, I hope that this article can be a starting place to help heal your life. You’re also invited to unload your experiences in the comments area (rants and emotional catharsis encouraged).
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On the other hand, if you are an empath that has successfully learned to deal with narcissists, please take some time to share what you’ve discovered below. You never know … your comment could help to salvage another’s life.
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What if we have both Empathic traits and traits of narcissists and hurt people. I am starting to see that mine is getting worse although I was born (and i know this) highly senstive and Empathic. I can self reflect for the most part, have a decent amount of empathy, care about others but not all the time and its getting less. My heart feels blocked and so does my empathy more and more. I am also still living with my covert narcissistic mother and my father who has patterns and traits of that, it seems I am becoming like that. My big fear is becoming full blown. I am working on getting away from them so I can heal and really do the inner work. And not get traumatized all the time. What should I do about this? I am willing to change and be a better person but do not know where to start. Most people would probably look at me and reject me for saying all this. But I rather share my concerns and truth and get the help I need. I am seeing a therapist. I have told her my concerns about this. But it seems… Read more »
I suggest you look up online the 10 types of abusive men in the book Why Does He Do That?, though note a person can be more than one type. Also it may apply to abusive women and the rare female narcissist, but since most abusers and narcissists are men, the author uses the word man or the masculine pronoun for simplicity’s sake. My summary for the 10 types goes like this. 1. Demanding Man : A controlling man who demands you to do everything he wants to do. 2. Mr. Right : He prides on his intelligence, believes all his opinions are right, and feels you must agree with all his ideas and beliefs. 3. The Water Torturer : A calm abuser that mocks, uses sarcasm, and cracks joke on you while using a very calm, planned, and rational voice to try to make you feel like you’re going crazy, irrational, or insane. 4. The Drill Sergeant : Controls all the small details of your life. What you wear, where you go, who you talk to, and so on. Almost always a violent abuser. 5. Mr. Sensitive : Is openly emotional, artistic, and may even call himself a feminist,… Read more »
Arguably one of my most heart-breaking realisations, but a bad experience in late 2022 and into early 2023 led me to identify that one of my closest friends was a narcissist and had very little empathy for my rights or feelings. The heartbreak stems from my need and desire to communicate with her because I genuinely want to fix the relationship and to make it better to move forward but her lack of empathy and understanding with respect to my feelings or what effect the situation had on me (my sanity, my physical health and my mental health) meant that I had to cut her off. Of course, when you argue with a narcissist, you’re already fighting a losing battle. No matter how much you communicate, they will never truly be capable of emphasising and get incredibly defensive when you call out their lack of empathy. I understand that it’s not malicious, and she can’t help it, but this was causing myself a massive detriment. Following our fallout, I went back on medication to help regulate my emotions and sought therapy. When I tried to communicate this to her, she dismissed it as she felt that because I wronged her… Read more »
Man thanks a lot for this article, I really appreciate, feels like is just meant for me! Just helping me picture my real self and people around me.
@least someone else could understand all these! Now I feel relief!
My God, I didn’t even know people like this exists! I guess I never knew the real definition of a narcissist!
This is exactly what is happening to me at this very moment almost word for word! This person has me hooked like a drug!!! And is like a vampire sucking me dry!! I never saw it coming either!!! I just caught him cheating on me w his ex with proof, and he is still denying it! OMG
And I wondered how anybody could do that to another human with absolutely no remorse. I really believed him when he said he loved me and misses me, but now I can’t believe what I just read and this is the third article I’ve read back to back on narcissism. Thank you for opening my eyes and pray that I can get out of this entrapment!!! This shit should be illegal!!
I’m convinced my ex had anti social personality disorder and was a narcissist. Looking back at it there were signs from the beginning. I was just desperate to be loved I thought the attention from him was genuine. Sign #1- he would repeat whatever kind thoughtful caring thing I said. He NEVER said anything original that was kind and thoughtful Sign #2- He would say rude things to me and tell them as “jokes” and laugh so it didn’t seem overtly hurtful. Sign #3- He enjoyed a lot of violent movies or images in group texts with coworkers. He was never bothered by it, which bothered me. Sign#4- Instead of talking to me to learn why I was hurt or upset, he would immediately get upset and irritated at my emotional displays or sadness. Sign #5- there were multiple circumstances he looked at me 100% blank while I was emotional. Clueless and not caring about what I was feeling Lesson- After that relationship I was forced to look at myself to identify and heal from that relationship. Biggest lessons I learned was to trust and accept my intuition and love and respect myself first. I would get feelings like something… Read more »
Also, forgot to mention that narcs bring old wounds to the surface. If you got out of a narc relationship quickly -before 6 months, congratz. If not, you probs should see a shrink stat as they’ve likely done some long lasting damage.
If you got out quick tho, you can do some work by yourself for a bit and figure out what wounds the narc was attracted to. For me he was like my father -critical and withholding of love. Recognising the wound and then grieving it and healing it can help you feel whole again. In a way narcs provide the empath with a lot of opportunity for self discovery and growth. Unfortunately the narc will always be trapped.
If you get out quickly the damage is minimal and the lessons you’ve learnt about boundaries, self respect, any unhealed wounds and the type of partner you do (and don’t want!) are priceless.
Dated a narc for 4 months. I’m an empath. Definitely tricked me with the charm and the phoney caring about other people made me fall head over heels. I think they believe their own lies that’s why they’re so believable. Sailed past a million red flags that I didn’t realise were red flags due to dating inexperience. When he started to change I thought he was becoming unwell. Nup! Just the mask had dropped and surprise, he’s a demon! The realisation that I had been hanging out with someone who wasn’t a good person and who was awful and abusive was quite a shock. However, now thinking back he told on himself multiple times that he was a narc. I just didn’t know what I was looking at. I would minimise his flaws and moral shortcomings cause I had feelings. Love really is blind. They also sense your wounds so if you haven’t healed for your childhood or something they will morph themselves into someone who temporarily soothes your wounds so you want to stay even after they start being abusive. At some point I knew things were getting out of hand and ended it only to get sucked in… Read more »
Stand up for what is right. Do not hold your emotions back.
The first whiff I get of grandiosity or an attempt to get very familiar very quickly raises red flags that I have always seen but either chose to ignore or to rationalize away. Usually I found the man (the illusion of him) to be attractive and this attraction disarmed me. Now when I get that whiff I become the opposite of what I cen feel they want me to be. I never rationalize red flags anymore and I will never again try to save a man from the pain he uses to carry those flags.